WHAT DOES THE CHURCH SAY ABOUT HEAVY "PETTING"
by Marty Barrack
(Marty Barrack responds to the following question posed on the
Catholic Resource Network)
"How does the church feel in regards to heavy 'petting'. I believe
that sex belongs inside of marriage, but when you are dating someone
is it ever really possible to get to know someone intimately without
any sexual contact? Many teens I know ask me this and I struggle
with a good answer as to what is and isn't'allowed' by the doctrines
of the faith. Please respond. Thank you."
The first short answer is: All sexual arousal waits for marriage. We
can happily enjoy watching attractive members of the opposite sex,
but we avoid doing what we know will induce sexual arousal or desire
for sexual activity. If we find ourselves inadvertently aroused or
desirous, we stop whatever is causing it. All sexual arousal and
desire outside marriage is a mortal sin if it is engaged in with full
knowledge that it is sinful and if there is a deliberate decision to
do it anyway.
The second short answer is: You can get to know someone much better
without sexual contact. If a man truly loves a woman, he will accept
her personal commitment to premarital chastity. We know that a man
who refuses to accept a woman's commitment to purity does not love
her, because her commitment is an essential part of who she is. What
he loves is his own gratification at her expense.
Young devout Catholics try to date other devout Catholics, whom they
can meet at church socials. They can share a lifetime of joy in
Christ together.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) teaches: (2337) "Sexuality
... becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the
relationship of one person to another in the complete and lifelong
mutual gift of a man and woman." You'll find more on sexuality on
page 562 of the CCC.
Marriage is a covenant relationship. A covenant is a contract
binding God into the agreement. In the sacramental covenant of Holy
Eucharist, Christ gives all that He has, his body, blood, soul, and
divinity, to us; we give him all that we have, our body, blood, soul,
and humanity. In the covenant of Holy Matrimony, the husband gives
all that he is and all that he has, including his body, as a gift to
his wife; the wife gives all that she is, and all that she has,
including her body, as a gift to her husband. If they are both
baptized, they are joined through Christ as long as they live.
When we join together through Christ and give all that we are and all
that we have to our spouse, we want the gift by which we share in His
ongoing creation to be pure as He is pure. If our marriage is pure
and true, we are well prepared to enter God's kingdom. The children
we bring into the world and love will also be well prepared.
Nonmarital sex makes it impossible to give ourselves wholly to our
spouse through the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony because we have
already given a very special part of the gift before marriage, even
if we are having sex with the person we plan to marry. The marriage
has less value because it is no longer the canopy under which we give
all of ourselves to one another.
Nonmarital sex also teaches us to use another person for our own
sexual gratification. Notice that this is the exact opposite of
marital sex, in which we give ourselves to our spouse; we desire the
spouse's pleasure above our own. This selfish use of sex damages our
preparedness for heaven.
When Jesus told Zacchaeus, "I will dine at your house tonight," I'll
bet the little tax collector hurried home at top speed and spent the
rest of the day cleaning his house so it would be a fit place to
receive the King of Kings. Jesus cares very much that the place
where He is, is clean. Look how he overturned the moneychangers'
tables in the Temple. The body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. If
it is not pure, the offended Holy Spirit will depart. He can be
invited back through the Sacrament of Penance only if we are truly
penitent and resolve to live in a pure way.
God's design is often larger than we can see from our limited
perspective. Sacred Tradition teaches us that sex within marriage
has two purposes: procreative (bringing new souls into the world as
God's invitation to the wedding feast in heaven) and unitive
(bringing the spouses together). As soon as we break that
connection, as soon as we say that sex entirely for one's own
pleasure is good, we have no limit. Given that premise, how can we
justify preventing a man from having sex with his friend's wife? Or
sex with his brother? Or sex with his dog? You end up with a
dissolute and selfish world from which God is excluded, and you
ultimately end up in a dissolute and selfish place from which there
is no return.
Pax Christi, Marty
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