And Lead Us Not Into Temptation: Chastity for Men
by Robin Peacock
The Book of Genesis records that "God created man in His own
image...male and female He created them...and behold, it was very
good." When sin entered the world, it became possible to abuse that
which was created good. Sexual desire, with its many associated good
effects on the person and the family, is especially vulnerable to
abuse; we are seeing now in society the tragedies that result from
misusing the good of sex. In an effort to help young people to learn
how not to abuse this great gift, some far-thinking people have come
up with the idea of chastity education. A great beginning!
But what is chastity? It's more than just abstinence from sexual
intercourse outside marriage. Chastity is a whole outlook on life: a
reorientation of the whole person toward that which is greater than
himself. A chaste person is not trapped inside himself by the
tyranny of hormones; he is free to see the bigger picture, even, if
he is willing and open, the biggest picture of all--God's picture.
A great deal has been written, past and present, about chastity and
modesty for women. This is good and necessary, for we all need
encouragement in virtue. However, chastity for men, while not often
discussed, is every bit as important. It helps them to understand
themselves and the women in their lives and deepens the natural
complementarity that, when accepted and worked with rather than
fought against, brings joy and peace to the life of the spirit.
Any understanding of modesty and chastity for men must begin with an
understanding of temptation. It is well known that, as a rule, men
and women have different "hot buttons". The visual, for example,
plays a larger part in temptation for men--the proliferation of
Playboy clones is a symptom of this. (Only since the advent of the
oddly named "feminist" movement [in which unsuspecting women are led
to believe that only traditionally male activities are worthwhile,
and are therefore induced to denigrate all that is unique to
femininity--especially childbearing--in order to imitate men] have
magazines like Playgirl attempted to make female sexuality fit into a
visual, purely physical, "male" mold.) While it is very important for
men to avoid making objects of themselves by putting more of their
bodies on public display than is necessary, this (in my opinion as a
woman) is not so much in order to prevent sins against chastity in
the eye of the female beholder, but rather to keep the man's focus
from becoming vain and self-centered. A person, male or female, who
(so to speak) "wears his body on his sleeve" is generally doing it in
order to attract attention--an approach which betrays an unhealthy
and unattractive self-absorption. Ask a passing woman what she
thinks of the shirtless man across the street, and she is likely to
say, "Boring. He's too full of himself."
How, then, are women likely to be tempted against chastity? Most
women who are not fooled by the superficiality and self-centeredness
of the radical "feminist" movement tend to take the long view of
life. Their sexuality is intimately connected with the relationship
with a man. Such a woman is not so much interested in big muscles as
in what those muscles can do. Can he provide the kind of environment
in which she can live safely? Can he protect his family? Can he be
trusted? Because her nature inclines her toward giving of herself,
she looks for a man who is willing and able to do his part in a
responsible way. Sexuality for her is part of a larger whole, not an
end in itself.
So how does this open itself to abuse? Because she sees sexuality as
part of a larger whole, she may assume that the man does too, for the
sexual encounter is not an isolated act, but has repercussions
throughout life. That's why the marital act is not--cannot be--a
small matter. A generous nature is willing to open itself to union
with another--not because it is incomplete without the other, but
because it knows how blessed it is to give. God knew what He was
doing when He willed that the creation of new people should arise out
of the mystery of this union--the generosity and love involved in the
union grow and shelter the vulnerable beginning of the new person.
In the Sacrament of Matrimony, God makes available a reservoir of
grace to support the family, to strengthen the woman's generosity and
make generous the man's strength. Without this fountain of grace, as
in a "casual" sexual encounter, the desire becomes fractured and
fragmented, twisted upon itself to become self- serving. Both the
generosity and the strength, unable to flow freely, get dammed up and
frustrated; eventually they sour and harden into bitterness,
cynicism, despair, destructiveness. It turns both the man and the
woman against God and neighbor--and eventually against themselves.
This is the intimate link between the "sexual revolution" and the
skyrocketing suicide rate.
The chaste and modest man, then, shows respect for intimacy and
commitment, both within families and between people and God. If he
himself is not ready to enter into the union which is sacramental
marriage, he does not "advertise himself as available", with the sort
of looks and gestures calculated to attract the attention of women.
(Women look more at actions and posture than at physical attributes--
prolonged direct eye contact, for example, can signal sexual
interest.) This is not to say that a promiscuous display will have no
effect; tight pants make it obvious where the wearer's mind is
centered and tend to center the beholder's mind there too. A chaste
man, when he is looking for the right woman with whom to be united,
will "score more points" with her by being genuinely respectful,
honest, and prayerful, than by taking off his shirt, swaggering and
bragging, or treating other drivers rudely in a fast car. (If he is
inconsiderate in public, he is likely to be inconsiderate in
private.)
What about friendship? Most women agree that it is much better to
fall in love with a friend than to try to make friends with a
"lover". Thus, a chaste and modest man will strive to make his
friendships good ones, and in doing so he gradually learns how to
love. His friendships with women, married and unmarried, can be very
rewarding ones so long as respect is maintained on both sides for the
good of marriage- -either potential or existing. He will find that
living chastely, modestly, and prayerfully makes for better
interpersonal relations, preservation from many of the evils that
plague society, and peace of mind and soul.
Robin Peacock and her chaste and modest husband, Tom, are members of
Auraria Catholics.
