WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH LIVING TOGETHER?
by Mary Beth Bonacci
What's the matter with my boyfriend and I living together? By "living together," I
assume that you mean "living together and sleeping together." This is a bad idea for
several reasons.
First and most obvious you're not married. You haven't made a final public
commitment to each other. God hasn't joined you together in a sacramental bond. Sex is
a renewal of the sacrament and you have no sacrament to renew. Sex speaks the
language of "I've given myself to you forever," not "We'll see how this works out."
You're speaking the language of the body in a lie.
Second, and probably because of this, living together before marriage isn't good for
relationships. Studies consistently show a much higher divorce rate for couples who
live together before marriage.
The problem, as always, is that in sex you're speaking the language of forever. And to
complicate things more, you really are acting married. You share an address and a
telephone number. You've mingled your possessions. You eat together, clean together
and entertain together. You're functioning on most levels as a married couple.
But you're not married. There is no long-term commitment. The "back door" is always
open because you have deliberately left it open. Either one is free to leave at any time.
And both of you, somewhere in the back of your minds, know that. That's a bad idea,
for several reasons.
First of all, the lack of permanence keeps everyone on their "best behavior." it's difficult
to speak up when you know that if things get too rough, the other person may
disappear. It becomes easier to avoid "rocking the boat." In this situation, problems are
often repressed instead of expressed and pressure grows.
Psychologist Laura Schlessinger says that men and women often have different reasons
for wanting to live together. For women, living together is about "auditioning" for the
role of wife. They see it as a first step a way to convince their boyfriends they should
get married. But this is bad strategy. She says that moving in with a man without a
commitment tells him that he doesn't have to do much to get you. If you're dating a
commitment-phobe, moving in with him will make him less motivated to commit. Now
he doesn't have to get married. He already has all of the benefits without having to
make the commitment.
Women often move in with men to be protected and nurtured. But without
commitment, the security isn't real. It is an illusion. It can vanish at any time, and that
creates tension.
Many couples live together as a sort of "trial marriage', to decide if they are compatible
enough to spend the rest of their lives together. But this is a very bad way to make a
marriage decision. To make a decision this important you need to be objective, and
objectivity is the last thing you have when you cohabitate. You have a vested interest in
staying together. You are speaking the language of forever with your bodies and
blurring your ability to make a good decision. And what's more, you've already made
your home with him. Whatever short-term desires you had for nurturing or security are
now met right at home, with a person to whom you've given yourself. It becomes much
harder to leave.
When so much of your security is tied up in "making it work" with this person, it
becomes easy to lose perspective. You worry so much about "how can I make him
stay?" that you forget to ask the question you're supposed to be asking: "Is this really
the person I want for the rest of my life?"
People who live together often tend, on the whole, to be less mature than those who
wait until they're married to cohabitate. They tend to be more interested in gratifying
their short-term desires for sex or security than they are in going carefully through the
steps necessary to build a committed, permanent relationship.
When you're ready to make a commitment to building a home and a life together, make
it. But don't try to do it halfway. It doesn't work.
Bonacci is a frequent lecturer on chastity.
This article appeared in the November 2, 1995 issue of "The Arlington Catholic Herald."
Courtesy of the "Arlington Catholic Herald" diocesan newspaper of the Arlington (VA)
diocese. For subscription information, call 1-800-377-0511 or write 200 North Glebe
Road, Suite 607 Arlington, VA 22203.
