When I was a kid, I remember a time when my younger sister was acting
up. My father, in reprimanding her, said, "You're acting like a
2-year-old."
The irony of that particular statement was that, at the time, she was
a 2-year-old. It wasn't the least bit surprising that she would act
like one.
Statements like that echo throughout every childhood. "Act your age!"
"Grow up!" "Stop acting like a baby!" and, perhaps the most despised
statement of adolescence, "You can't do that. You're not mature
enough to handle it."
In all of these statements, references are being made to maturity.
But, like a lot of other terms we run into growing up, no one ever
really bothers to give us a decent definition of what maturity is, so
we tend to make up definitions for ourselves.
When I was in seventh grade, my best friend Val and I were told by
another friend that we were "immature" because we spent our recess
time jumping over the fences around the campus lawns. For several
years thereafter, the word "mature" left a bad taste in my mouth. It
seemed to me to refer to stuffy people who never had any fun. When
Val and I wanted to insult someone, we would call them "mature."
Now that I'm over twice as old as I was then, and still capable of
spending my "recess" time jumping fences, I see things from a
slightly different perspective. Maturity is not about giving up fun.
Looking back, Val and I were fairly mature for seventh graders and
our fence-jumping had very little to do with it.
John Powell, in his book, <Why Am I Afraid to Love?> calls maturity a
"process of self- revelation and self-expansion. In growing and
maturing, we learn both to understand ourselves better and to live
our lives beyond ourselves for others. That's maturing. No one is
ever fully mature. It is a process that lasts from cradle to grave.
Immaturity is basically self-centeredness. We see it in babies and
small children. Their world revolves completely around themselves.
They don't really care about others as long as they get what they
want. It's not such a bad trait in babies but as they get older it
rapidly becomes unattractive.
Have you ever been around a child who's always screaming, "Me!" and
"Mine!" or who is constantly making demands? We call kids like that
"spoiled." That kind of self- centeredness is unpleasant in children
but it's really ugly in adults.
Powell lists several traits of immaturity: bearing grudges and
prejudices, pouting, emotionalized thinking, exaggerated feelings of
inferiority, over concern about the opinions that others have of us,
worrying, overdependence upon parents or family, rebellious and angry
attitudes, bragging or bullying, temper tantrums, the negativism of
destructive criticism, procrastination, self-indulgence, "slapstick"
humor which is humiliating to others, flirtations, etc.
Sounds like either a kindergarten playground or a really bad date.
Maturity, on the other hand, is characterized by going out to others,
getting along with people, exercising reasonable self-sufficiency,
setting realistic goals, exercising discretion, differentiating the
important and unimportant things in life, demonstrating flexibility,
adaptability and emotional stability.
Not a word about jumping fences.
Did you see where Pope John Paul II told the crowds in Manila that,
"The future depends on your maturity"? The description of a mature
person is, in many ways, a description of a loving, responsible
person. A mature person isn't so wrapped up in himself that he can't
care about others. A world of mature people would be a world where
people looked out for each other and conversely, where trust would
exist and people could actually cooperate in building a better
society. If God wants us to do His work on earth, He's going to need
people who can get the job done. These people need a certain amount
of maturity.
Compare that to a world of immature people. What a nightmare!
Everyone out for themselves, people pouting and throwing tantrums --
how could anyone get along? How could we possibly proclaim "Peace on
Earth, good will toward men"? No one would be capable of good will
toward anyone but themselves. The courts would be clogged with people
who tried to get more for themselves at the expense of someone else.
Everyone would be clamoring for their "rights" but no one would seem
particularly interested in granting anyone else any rights.
Gee. Maybe this sounds familiar.
Just as the world's future depends on your maturity so does your
personal future rest on your maturity. How far are you going to get
if you're a self-centered, angry bully? Maybe to the top, if you're
on Wall Street, but it will be a lonely place. What humans need is
real love and community, not just a lot of money. People aren't even
attracted to children who are completely self-centered. They
certainly won't be going out of their way to hang around with
immature adults.
So next time you find yourself losing your temper, or putting someone
down, or flirting with someone you have no real interest in, don't
write it off by saying, "Hey, it's just how I am, man. Deal with it."
Realize that "how you are" at the moment is immature and it's not
going to take you where you want to go.
Bonacci is a frequent lecturer on chastity.
This article appeared in the March 23, 1995 issue of "The Arlington
Catholic Herald."
Courtesy of the "Arlington Catholic Herald" diocesan newspaper of the
Arlington (VA) diocese. For subscription information, call
1-800-377-0511 or write 200 North Glebe Road, Suite 607 Arlington, VA
22203.
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