In the last column I ended with the question, "What if you 'really
love' someone and they 'pizza love' you back?" It's a logical one,
especially to someone who knows what 'pizza love' is.
For those who don't, a brief recap is in order. We talked about how
real love means honestly wanting what's best for another person, and
being selfless enough to put that person's needs above your own
desires. "Pizza love," on the other hand, is loving someone the way I
love pizza.
I love to eat pizza when I'm in the mood for it, but once I get tired
of it I don't care what happens to it. "Pizza love" is when you
"love" someone for what that person can do for you, but you don't
really care what happens to him or her as long as you get your way.
"Pizza love" is using.
Picture a scenario where you really love someone. You're dating this
person and you honestly want what's best for him or her. You care.
You're willing to sacrifice your own needs and desires to get this
person to a.) get off of drugs, or b.) stop holding up convenience
stores, or c.) renounce atheism to become a rosary-reciting,
Bible-reading Catholic, or d.) all of the above. All you want is
what's best.
This person, on the other hand, doesn't seem particularly interested
in what's best for you. In fact, he seems to share your interests in
what's best for him. However, his ideas of what's best for him is not
renouncing immorality, but rather getting stoned and picking up his
beer and beef jerky at gunpoint.
"But," you say, "I love him. I know he treats me badly sometimes, and
my grades are going down, and I cry a lot, and the FBI is
investigating me as an accomplice, but I want what's best for him. I
have to get him to stop. I can sacrifice all of this because I love
him."
Wrong.
Now this is unfortunately a fairly common scenario among single
people of all ages, and especially nice Catholic single people who
seem to often have a "Savior Complex." We stay with people who treat
us poorly and justify it by calling it "love."
This is "love" of a very lopsided and twisted nature, and there is no
place for it in a dating relationship. Dating is about finding real
love--that real honest-to-goodness, "I want what's best for you for
the rest of our lives" kind of love. And if that love is one-sided,
it doesn't work. It's very difficult to give yourself totally to
someone when you know they're not looking out for what's best for
you. Because if you're not and they're not then nobody is. And
that's a problem.
Besides, often people in relationships like that need to examine
their own motives. Are you really just trying to "do what's best"? Or
is it more that you have a vacancy here in the "girlfriend slot" or
the "boyfriend slot" and you figure if you can make this person over
into the image and likeness of your perfect mate you can have what
you want? That's not really love--it's a very subtle form of using.
This kind of twisted "love" is present in a lot of different kinds of
relationships. Why do I stress dating? Because dating is about
finding a spouse--a spouse who loves you and whose life you can join
to yours. Once you're married and you've signed on the dotted line
the rules change. You're committed. You're sacramentally united. You
can't just cut out because you finally get tired of someone who
doesn't care about you. There's something larger present--a marriage,
a family.
And probably most importantly, children become involved. Someone who
can't love you won't suddenly become a loving parent. Parenting is
really hard--a total renunciation of time, money and energy to this
small bundle. You need someone who can handle it, and loving you
right is the first test.
I wanted to write about this problem immediately after the love
column because it's such a widespread problem and so many single
people of all ages suffer because of it. I don't want my definition
of love to add to the problem.
So remember, it's okay to try to get someone off of drugs, or stop
holding up convenience stores. But don't date that kind of person,
and don't put up with being treated poorly. You're supposed to love
others because they're all created in the image and likeness of God.
But remember that you're created in that image, too. People can't be
forced to respect that. But that doesn't mean you have to date them.
And you certainly wouldn't want to marry one.
Hold out for someone who loves you for real.
Bonacci is a frequent lecturer on chastity.
This article appeared in the June 16, 1995 issue of "The Arlington
Catholic Herald."
Courtesy of the "Arlington Catholic Herald" diocesan newspaper of the
Arlington (VA) diocese. For subscription information, call
1-800-377-0511 or write 200 North Glebe Road, Suite 607 Arlington, VA
22203.
