The Burdens of Sexual Responsibility
by Mary Beth Bonacci
"Why is the responsibility for chastity always put on the female sex?"
Why does it seem like guys have no control, and girls are always the ones to say no?"
Several years ago, I was on a talk show with a "sexologist.
In the course of that hour, she made several statements that I found surprising. But
nothing surprised me more than when this supposedly "enlightened" woman said that
mothers need to warn their daughters about "foraging males," and that "it is perfectly
normal for males not to take 'no' for an answer.
What was she saying? Are males not responsible for their sexual behavior? Does 100
percent of the responsibility for chastity remain with the female half of the couple?
Of course, my friend the sexologist is not the first to make statements like this. Women
have always been told that they bear a special responsibility in maintaining chastity in
a relationship. But how much of a burden is that? How much or how little
responsibility do males carry? Where did thinking like this come from?
First of all, let's talk about the basis for this kind of thinking. Biologically, there is a
fairly significant difference between males and females (aside from the obvious). Males
reach their "sexual peak" much earlier than females.
"Sexual peak?" What is that?
The term is not a reference to any certain age when sex is "best" sex or most enjoyable.
Studies consistently show that the "best" sex is sex between happily married people of
any age. Sexual peak simply refers to the age at which a person is the most easily
sexually aroused. Because men and women have different hormonal systems and
different developmental timetables, sexual peak is different for men than for women.
Sexual peak for males, according to most of the literature I have read, happens about
the age of 18. This means that 18-year-old males are more easily aroused than they will
probably be for the rest of their lives. This doesn't mean that sex is best for them at that
age.
Females, on the other hand, don't reach their sexual peak until about age 35-almost
twice the age for males.
Do you see the potential for trouble here? Say there are two teenagers in a car. She is
scheduled to reach her sexual peak in about 19 years. He is scheduled to reach his
sexual peak ... right about now. She is probably enjoying all of the cuddling and
closeness, and is still quite easily able to control herself. Meanwhile, he is having a very
different kind of reaction.
It's very important, in the course of affectionate dating behavior, to understand that
men and women are not sexually "wired" in the same way. Teenaged men tend to be
much more easily aroused. As women get older, the balance changes. It is important to
understand, however, that just because you may be reacting in a certain way, your date
may be reacting in a very different way.
For this reason, women are often encouraged to take a special responsibility in
maintaining chastity. The assumption is that, especially in a young couple, she will be
less aroused than he is, and more easily able to keep things under control.
However-pay attention, this is important-it is absolutely, categorically incorrect to say
that the responsibility for maintaining chastity rests with the woman alone. Sexual peak
should not be seen as a license for men to abdicate their moral responsibility. Men of a
certain age may have a stronger sex drive overall, but that does not mean that they
cannot, or should not, control that sex drive. On the contrary, if they are more easily
tempted then they should be particularly vigilant about getting into tempting
situations.
If a man is on a date, he is responsible not only for maintaining his own purity, but for
protecting the purity of his date. The same goes for his date. They each need to take
responsibility for themselves, as well as making an effort to protect each other. And
they need to take that responsibility seriously. Each needs to be willing and able to say
"no" if necessary, because sexual activity would involve putting them both at risk. That
wouldn't be a loving thing to do to each other.
And loving each other is what dating is all about.
This article appeared in the January 4, 1996 issue of "The Arlington Catholic Herald."
Courtesy of the "Arlington Catholic Herald" diocesan newspaper of the Arlington (VA)
diocese. For subscription information, call 1-800-377-0511 or write 200 North Glebe
Road, Suite 607 Arlington, VA 22203.
