About 80 billion skillion years ago, or at least a month and a half
ago, I wrote a brilliant, insightful column on the emotional bond
that sex causes, and how wonderful that bond is for married people.
Well, at least I thought it was brilliant and insightful. At the end
of that column I promised you that in the next column we'd discuss
the impact that bond, and sexual activity in general, has on
unmarried relationships. In the mean time, however, we got all
carried away talking about Hugh Grant and contraception and what-not.
Now we're finally returning to our topic.
I for one am glad we're back to it. This subject, the emotional
consequences of sexual activity, is one of the most important and
under-discussed topics affecting single, and married, life today.
Sex does have emotional consequences. For married people those
consequences are great. A bond forms and "blurs" their vision, so
that they don't get on each others' nerves so easily. It forms a
"superglue of the heart" to help their marriage.
But what does sex do to dating?
Well, let's start with a more fundamental question. What is the
purpose of dating? Is it to find the best-looking girlfriend so that
you look good out in public? Is it to find a guy with a hot car so
that you don't have to take the bus?
No and no. Dating, plain and simple, is about finding out what kind
of person you're compatible with, so that you can marry someone. It's
about figuring out if you want to get married, and if so, to whom.
It's about getting to know another person, very, very well, so that
you can figure out if you want to give him or her your life and your
children.
In order to do all that, what do you need? You need freedom to come
and go. If you find out that this person gets on your nerves; this
person is also dating your best friends; this person is a drug
dealer; or all of the above, you need to dump this person -- fast.
But what happens if there has been a sexual relationship? What
happens if this "superglue of the heart" has formed? Your vision is
blurred. You're not seeing clearly. You've given yourself completely
and it makes it much more difficult to acknowledge that this
relationship may not work out.
So you utter the universal Christian single person cry: "I'll change
her!" -- or "him," if you're female. "Yes," you decide. "I'll change
him. Sure he's a drug dealer with a felony conviction record as long
as my arm, but I'll change him. Under my care he will become a
rosary-reciting, Mass-attending pillar of the community. He'll change
because he loves me."
Some people go a different route -- the route of denial. "Sure he
deals drugs, but he wouldn't do it in front of the children." Or, "I
know she's promiscuous, but she wouldn't cheat on me."
This, as you may have guessed, is not good. this kind of premature
bonding does not lead to happy, productive lives. It leads to pain
and misery.
It leads, among other things, to poor marriage decisions. Once a bond
forms, the brain is no longer in charge. Feelings take over, drowning
our logic.
Marriage decisions are difficult even without the bond. Ask people
how you'll know when you're in love and they will probably answer,
"Oh, you'll know in your heart." Hooey. Your heart is only half of
the equation. Your head is the other part, and it plays a very
important role. Your brain has to ask the tough questions: Who is
this person? Will this person make a good partner? Does this person
share my faith? Does this person have sexual self-control? Do you
want to marry a person with no sexual self-control? I don't, because
I watch "The Young and the Restless." I know what's out there.
The heart doesn't always want to hear the answers to these questions,
but they have to be asked, and answered, honestly. The rest of your
life is at stake.
But consider people who say, "Oooh, cool, a bond. That's exactly what
we need, because, even though we're only 16, we know we're getting
married. First we have to go to separate colleges in separate cities
in separate states in separate countries on separate continents. But
if we have sex, the bond will span the Atlantic and keep our love
alive. Then when we're 25 and have our BMWs and our MBAs, we'll get
married and have a white picket fence and 1.2 children, and the bond
will have saved the day." Does it work that way?
We'll talk about it next time. I promise.
Bonacci is a frequent lecturer on chastity.
This article appeared in the August 24, 1995 issue of "The Arlington
Catholic Herald."
Courtesy of the "Arlington Catholic Herald" diocesan newspaper of the
Arlington (VA) diocese. For subscription information, call
1-800-377-0511 or write 200 North Glebe Road, Suite 607 Arlington, VA
22203.
