Letter from a Woman Who Had an Abortion.
In 1971 a Catholic woman who wrote this letter had an abortion in
New York. Seven months latter she wrote this letter to a priest.
Except for some personal references her letter is reproduced in
full.
Dear Reverend (name), It is not without much time and thought that
I have decided to address myself to you. I ask only for your time
and patience in reading this lengthy letter.
I have recently read of your appointment as your diocese's full
time Right to Life Coordinator and, therefore, have decided you
would be the best person with whom to communicate.
I would like to give you a brief account of my background. My name
is... (The girl gives her name, parish, and age--early 20's. Her
father is deceased, and she is helping to support her family. She
gives her educational background, and the place where she is
currently employed.)
My parents were very sincere Catholics, Christian in every sense
of the word. My father worked every day of his life instilling the
proper beliefs, attitudes and morals into his children. As a
family and as individuals we lived and loved our religion--it was
a way of life as opposed to a Sunday routine. I had the finest
possible Catholic foundation that can be offered.
I have now gone through seven months of hiding within myself. Now
is the time to be real and speak out. I have had an abortion.
Now if you will, please listen to my plea. What I have to say
cannot be found in pro-life rallies and newspaper reports nor
medical accounts and statistics against abortion. What I have to
say will hopefully be of value to you which is one of my basic
reasons for writing.
Let me make one point very clear--in no way am I taking a
defensive position. My decision to have an abortion was by no
means quick. Much time and thought accompanied what I did. Upon
realizing my situation and realizing how very wrong I was in
assuming I had the right to engage in the love act itself, I went
immediately to several very close friends who are studying for the
priesthood... (She gives more information about the people she
consulted) . . . I clearly admitted that the means resulting in my
end situation were morally wrong and what I wanted help with was
my present situation. They guided me spiritually and morally. We
had many discussions covering what we all thought was "all" to be
covered. These very well intentioned discussions brought me to
Catholic Charities to have adoptive parents planned for. I was
made aware of all the consequences my baby would face. I felt I
loved the baby I would have and was doing what would be best for
the baby. One thing always prevailed--my acute and constant state
of fear. No matter how wrong I knew abortion would be, I couldn't
help desiring to end it all. I realize that any woman in the same
situation is living only in fear. I honestly believe that no one
runs to an abortion but weighs the pros and cons. All the pro
reasons are selfish --but then selfishness is a very human
downfall. Logically speaking, any intelligent person must realize
that abortion is killing and destroys all God-given right to life.
With all my background and training, one thing prevailed--fear! My
faith would one day make me strong--but how easily I would be able
to push faith aside and become weak in my desires. For SLX months
I was strong then weak--on and off--God--no God--yes--no--until in
my final weak stage I pushed my God, my faith, my beliefs aside
and consented to an abortion. I knew down deeply I was wrong but
gave in to my selfishness and chose my own well-being opposed to
my baby's.
I rationalized that I would make it half-right by doing it my own
way. I received a saline shot and went home instead of remaining
at the hospital. I wanted to be alone at the moment of my baby's
death. I stayed at a motel and anxiously waited for labor to
begin. Throughout labor I was able to think of nothing but the
physical pain at hand. Then there was a tiny girl with me. The
shock and hurt of holding your own self-destroyed child is not
describable in words-- but, by choice, I wanted the moment alone
with my baby-- for the chance to say "I'm sorry"--but when that
time came how inadequate and foolish those words sounded. A
garbage pail wasn't good enough for my baby so I chose a soft bed-
-in fear such rationale is possible. I baptized my baby and asked
God to take her--I knew He would--but then what? There I was with
all of it--all the months of indecision--all the realization--the
fear, physical and psychological anguish--and my dead baby. I was
torn with the thought--"Why didn't I wait just three short months
more and my baby would be able to love me back?" All the things I
should have thought before were only thought at that moment. I
stayed with my baby for several days, not able to leave her--not
realizing that the very day I even doubted having her, I left her
and all I ever stood for. I buried my baby and have been working
since then toward redirecting my life-giving to some purpose--a
next to impossible task.
I made myself God for those few short hours. The reasons for not
having an abortion are fine and true--but they were lacking -- too
much was left unsaid and unthought. Without discussing all the
anti-abortion issues which you are well aware of, allow me to
discuss what I failed to realize--in the hope that others can be
made to realize the "all." In no way am I downgrading the all too
important cruelties and injustices afforded the unborn child --
they are very real and very obvious. It is because they are
obvious that I firmly believe the less obvious or unknown
consequences of abortion should be brought to light. As selfish as
it sounds, allow me to discuss the real everyday situation and its
effects on the mother (keeping again in mind the fact that I will
not dismiss the consequences to the child).
I think if a person is given additional sorely needed counsel on
abortion consequences--there can be many more lives saved, both
mother and child.
I was never made to realize:
the fear in pregnancy is far outweighed by the fear of God and of
living with oneself after abortion.
the guilt of being pregnant is far outweighed by the every minute
of the day guilt one must carry all through life after an
abortion.
the responsibility of carrying a child for nine months and
mothering him through life is far less than the responsibility of
having taken someone's life.
the insecurity of not knowing what to do is turned into a living
hell after the decision to abort is made.
the peace of mind one is striving for in abortion will never again
be had.
the image one is trying to save is turned into a destruction of
self-image which is most important.
Yes -- these are selfish thoughts but very real thoughts. When in
the state of fear a woman is thinking humanly of herself--if she
weren't she would not be faced with the decision--possibly the
above thoughts should be pushed on her before it is too late.
All anyone can tell a girl facing abortion are the reasons against
it that she can read in any paper on any day --this is necessary,
yes, but perhaps a complete and honest portrayal of what will be
if she does abort will sway her decision. Possibly it won't, but
again selfishly, if I had known what life as it is now would be I
also would have decided differently. I, who thought my faith
strong and my church insurmountable, found my way to an all too
easy to find abortion table--how much easier it must be for those
with no love for God to be pushed aside--this is why all the
"real-now" facets must be discussed also. Perhaps if made to
realize (selfishly) that her life, not only her baby's, will be
destroyed, her own everyday life along with her afterlife will be
destroyed--perhaps this will help a woman decide pro- life. As
selfish people we tend to react more to what will happen to us in
this life and ignore our beliefs in eternal life. Even someone
ignoring God will be naturally concerned with her present life and
emotions.
Some everyday hell can be pointed out:
Never hearing a baby cry without crying within yourself.
Counting days to see how old your baby would have been.
Watching a sunrise without thinking "My baby will never experience
this."
Looking at other children and wondering "What would my baby look
like?"
Wondering what contributions my baby could have made to our
desperate society?
Wondering if the baby suffered physical pain in serving his death
sentence?
Wondering if your baby will ever forgive you?
Wondering if your baby listens and hears when you speak to him--
still?
Wondering if you'll ever have another chance at motherhood?
Wondering who knows? Who will black-ball me?
Wondering if God will ever forgive and take you back?
Wondering if you can ever again participate in your own church
without feeling self-hate and hypocritical?
All this deserved hell will be faced:
--The abortion act itself (Selfishly)
--Impersonal animal-like treatment
--Sitting in a crowded waiting room studying each other's fearful
anxious faces while holding swollen bellies and telling your baby
you're sorry
--Signing death certificates for what is very much alive within
you
--Being examined as an object not a person
--Being asked "necessary" personal questions and filling out forms
so your baby can be legally listed in the growing number
-- Crying, screaming, bleeding women given a tranquilizer and sent
home to recuperate and "forget." (Why wasn't there someone there
to say "In a day or two it will begin?")
Maybe if I had spoken to someone who had experienced an abortion I
may have hesitated long enough to save the life God gave me the
privilege to make. For every abortion there are different
circumstances, but the consequences are the same--as I have
discovered from speaking with three other women who have
experienced abortion.
In some way this all must be brought to light. Perhaps, Father,
this may be one way in which I can help. I am willing to come
forward and discuss the hardcore facts surrounding abortion with
anyone.
I am being selfish again--but I beg you for the opportunity to
help you save someone else's baby. This will never even slightly
undo what I have done but it will relax me to think "I told the
truth."
There are far too many girls unwilling--embarrassed or ashamed--to
speak to a priest or counselor concerning an unwanted or unplanned
pregnancy--if I can speak to them I would like to. Maybe I'm being
a bit egotistical in believing I can help at all but I would like
the chance to try.
If you have counseling programs, perhaps I can help out. If there
is nothing I can do directly, perhaps I can help indirectly--you
are free to use my experience in any way you choose--girls too
ashamed to seek advice will, in the privacy of their homes, be all
too willing to read about someone else's abortion experience.
I felt you would be able to help me direct and channel my energies
in the most useful and productive way.
Possibly a request of some sort on your part to have women who
have undergone abortion to come forth and help you will be
successful -- but that is assuming a tremendous amount of
understanding on your part.
If you would like to speak to me I am more than willing.
Regardless of how small the task (clerical work or anything) that
I can volunteer my aid for please let me know.
If you want to reach me and hopefully you will, please write to me
at . . .
Father, thank you for so much of your time. If you should decide
there is nothing I can do, then let me say now, I wish you peace
and hope and pray that your efforts will be worthwhile. Let's pray
for assistance to all the babies who have become martyrs in our
desperate time. Please-- whether we deserve it or not--pray for us
who fully realize what we have done and still live on.
As a personal favor--remember Dolores, my baby, in your prayers.
Thank You. Sincerely . . .
Downloaded from St. Michael's Depot
http://abbey.apana.org.au/Home_Pages/St_Michaels_Depot.htm
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