COPYRIGHT, 1957, BY THE CANA CONFERENCE OF CHICAGO
--DELANEY PUBLICATIONS
206 South Grove Avenue
Oak Park, Illinois
Nihil Obstat: Joseph T. Mangan, S.J.
Censor Deputatus
Imprimatur: + Samuel Cardinal Stritch
Archbishop of Chicago
January 18, 1957
TABLE OF CONTENTS
A Word to the Reader
1. The Meaning of Life
We come from God. We have a body and soul. We are responsible for
our acts. We are men and women. We are equal but different. We
attach meanings to things. We are social beings. We are elevated
by grace. Our goal is heaven. Summary.
2. Marriage as a Going Concern
Some definitions. Marriage as a sacrament. The need for realism.
What marriage means to you. What marriage means in itself. You
live together. You work together. You form a special social
group. You acquire new relationships with God. Summary.
3. Marriage Is a Social Affair
The Church and the State are interested. The Church's marriage
laws. The conditions required for marriage. Age. Impotence.
Existence of a previous bond. Mixed marriage. Marriage between
relatives. The conditions required for consent. The conditions
required for the ceremony. Your pastor and your marriage. The
banns. State laws regulating marriage. Marriage license. Physical
examination. Mental fitness. Interracial unions. Prohibited
degrees of relationship. Non-legal controls. Some general advice.
Conclusion.
4. Adjustment in Marriage
Why adjustment is necessary. You really don't know each other
very well. Marriage is a unique partnership. You must make long
range decisions. The family cycle. Some general principles for
adjusting. Determination to succeed. Self-knowledge leading to
self-control. Love must permeate all your activity. Love is not
calculating. Love seeks to share. Love requires trust. Basic
areas of marital adjustment. Family ideals. Spiritual ideals.
Domestic economics. Your relatives. Your social life. Your rough
edges. Reality vs. fiction. Monotony. Most roses have thorns. The
grass always looks greener.... Freedom.
5. The Marriage Act
What did God intend? The physical basis of the act. The special
nature of the act. Primary purpose is not pleasure. Summary.
Sexual behaviour must be learned. Adjustment is not automatic.
Attitudes vs. techniques. A union of persons. Selfish
exploitation vs. shared love. Male and female differences again.
Differences within the same sex. False "facts." Modern stress on
techniques stems from materialistic views. Various aspects of the
act. The normal expression of a basic drive. The curve of
excitation. The problem of position. The climax. The problem of
"frigidity." Lack of representative data. Widespread differences
in external reactions. The modern "ideal" vs. the facts of life.
Sterility and the use of the marital act. The moral evil of
contraceptives. The marriage act considered as an act of lore.
Two false attitudes. Summary.
6. Some Special Problems
The sexually "unawakened." Some evil advice. The problem of
modesty. Fears concerning the initial act. Points to remember:
the act is natural. Lack of skill is to be expected. Expectations
should be moderate: this is an initial experience. The hymen. The
morality of associated acts. Frequency. Marriage "rights." The
first pregnancy. A final word of advice. Conclusion.
7. Your Life Together
Division of labor in the family. Working wives. Working brides.
"Working" mothers. Authority in the family. The nature of
authority. The source of authority. The exercise of authority
under modern conditions. It is the good of the family which
counts. Your school of perfection. How married life sanctifies
you. Conclusion.
A WORD TO THE READER
"Why do you want to get married?"
"Because we are in love, of course!"
"Of course! But just what are you looking forward to in
marriage?"
"Happiness!"
"Yes, that makes sense. Now tell me, how would you define
happiness? What does it mean to you?"
"Mm, that's not so easy to answer!"
"All right, let's take just your happiness in marriage. What do
you expect? Have you thought very much about what it means to
you?"
"Well, it means that somebody loves me more than anybody else in
the world--and I feel the same about that person. It means we are
going to form a special partnership, a 'twosome,' with a unity
and 'oneness' in which there will be affection, companionship,
security, mutual understanding and support. It means we feel a
need for each other, a desire to give ourselves to each other as
man and woman. It means we want to go through life together,
sharing its joys and its hardships. It means we feel we're 'good'
for each other in the sense that together we can better realize
our purpose in life as we see it."
Most people about to get married have something like this in
mind. They want to get married because they are in love. They
expect that life together will bring them happiness. But there is
something very special about love and happiness in marriage.
Whether you think about it or not, marriage is for children. The
partnership you are about to form is reproductive. The love which
draws you together as man and woman is necessarily creative. The
happiness you hope for is family happiness, the happiness of par-
enthood. Babies may not be uppermost in your thinking right now,
yet normal marriage means children.
In marriage you dedicate yourself to the service of new life.
Your love and happiness are so important because only if you love
each other and are happy together can you provide the kind of
home which children need. This dedication to a purpose which
extends beyond yourselves is not a loss but a natural
fulfillment. Married love means dedication. Like all love, it
grows through giving.
There is truth in the old saying that "marriage is what you make
it," but to make anything you must first understand what it is.
If you are as wise as you are willing, you will want to spend
some time thinking about what makes marriage a success. Because
getting married is so "natural," it is easy to assume that we
know what married life implies. The crowds at our divorce courts
suggest that this may not be the case. In the following pages let
us review briefly but thoughtfully the meaning of Christian
marriage and what successful married life involves. The degree of
love and happiness you find in marriage will depend upon how
successful you are as marriage partners.
Chapter I: THE MEANING OF LIFE
MARRIAGE is a way of life. It is not your final purpose in life,
nor the only way to achieve this final purpose. Although it is a
way of life followed by most people, marriage is only one way.
When you enter marriage, then, you freely choose the way of life
you wish to follow in attaining your final purpose. Hence, to get
the right view of marriage, to understand its place in your
lives, you must first understand the purpose of life itself. A
way of life has meaning only if it leads somewhere. Marriage is a
good way to the extent that it helps you fulfill the purpose for
which you were made.
It follows that to understand the meaning of marriage, we must
first consider the meaning of life. Where do I come from? What am
I? Where am I supposed to be going? The answers to these
questions make up what we call a "philosophy of life." In
childhood, we were given fairly clear ideas about the meaning of
life. As mature adults, let us review briefly what the Church
teaches on this point. Now that you are approaching marriage, you
are in a better position to recognize the connection between the
purpose of life and the purpose of marriage. To see the full
picture, we must consider our origin, our nature, and our des-
tiny. In the light of this knowledge, we will then be able to
discuss the meaning of marriage as intelligent people.
We Come From God
Our Origin. We are not our own makers. We have not come into
existence through some accident of evolution. In the beginning,
God created man. Although we do not know how He did this, we are
certain of the fact. We know also that at the time of conception
in our mother's womb, God created our immortal souls. We come
from God. Further, we depend on Him for our existence at every
moment. Our dependence is so complete that if God did not con-
stantly sustain us, we would simply cease to exist.
It is easy to forget our dependence on God in this modern,
man-made world. Yet experience tells us that whenever we come
face to face with the stark realities of suffering, sorrow, and
death, we quickly realize our helplessness and our weakness. We
are all in the hands of God. He has breathed an immortal soul
into each of us. He has fashioned our human nature according to
His divine plan. Even if we try, we cannot undo this basic
dependence upon Him.
Further, the God who created us is infinitely wise and infinitely
good. He must have made us for a purpose. This purpose is our
happiness with Him. Because He has fashioned our hearts with a
desire for infinite happiness, we can find fulfillment and peace
only in Him. All other things which give us happiness are
reflections of His goodness and beauty. They are meant to lead us
to Him. Our human loves, wonderful as they may seem, are
short-lived and shallow unless they are rooted in Him.
We Have A Body And Soul
Our Nature. We are composed of body and soul. Our body is a
marvelously durable, yet delicately constructed physical system
capable of life and a definite cycle of growth. Our soul is
immaterial or spiritual. This means that it is intrinsically
independent of matter although it is united to the body to form a
unity. Hence we possess both material and spiritual elements in
our being. When we act, however, we act as a unity. This is to
say, we never act as a mere animal or as a pure spirit. In our
conscious activity, we always act as a human person, that is, as
a being composed of body and soul. Thus, it is not our mind that
thinks, it is we who think. It is not our body that feels, it is
we who feel. This fact must be emphasized because there are many
confused people who seem to believe that some human activities
such as reproduction involve merely "animal" or "carnal" acts.
We have an intellect. This means we are conscious of our ability
to understand, to form judgments, and to draw conclusions. As a
unity of body and soul, we are in contact with the world about us
through the sense organs of touch, sight, taste, smell, and hear-
ing. At the same time, we can communicate with others through
language. In short, we know from experience that we have the
power to gain knowledge, to form ideas, to make judgments about
reality, and to see the connection between cause and effect, and
between means and goals.
We have free will. This means that we are conscious of our
ability to make free choices in our acts. For example, we can
choose to act or not to act. If we choose to act, we can select
different purposes and different means to achieve them. Free will
does not imply that we act without motive. It does not imply that
all our acts are free. Since we are creatures of habit and
impulse, there may be few acts which are fully free in our
routine, daily lives. Nevertheless, we have the ability to make
free choices.
Because we have an intellect and free will, we differ essentially
from the highest form of brute life in the animal world. We are
animals, but we are rational animals. Mere animals cannot think
or will.
We Are Responsible For Our Acts
Several important conclusions follow from the fact that we are
composed of body and soul. First, we are affected by what takes
place in our body as well as in our soul. Both body and soul have
powerful impulses and drives which affect each other and con-
stantly seek to be satisfied. We must learn to control and direct
these forces so that they serve our best interests. In
themselves, these impulses and drives are not evil. They become
the occasion of evil when we fail to control and regulate them.
Second, we are capable of knowing what is right and wrong.
Independent of all human law, certain human acts are of their
very nature good and worthy of praise, others are bad and
deserving of blame. By considering our purpose in life and our
nature, we can know what these actions are. At the same time, God
has given us an authoritative teaching Church which infallibly
defines right and wrong in the moral order.
Third, we are responsible for our actions. Because we have an
intellect by which we can know what is right and a free will by
which we can choose, we are accountable for our actions. Although
we cannot directly suppress our basic impulses and drives, we can
learn to control and regulate them. For example, we cannot
directly suppress the urge to eat steak on Friday, but we can
refuse to act on this impulse. Furthermore, through experience we
acquire a knowledge of what stimulates our various drives, and
frequently we can avoid the stimulus. For instance, a couple may
discover that some actions or displays of affection during
courtship arouse feelings and desires which are difficult to
control. They can do very little about these directly, but common
sense tells them that they can avoid the actions which arouse
them.
We Are Men And Women
The human nature which we have just described is manifested in
two sexes--male and female. We differ as men and women because we
possess different, though complementary, generative systems. It
follows that each has a different function in regard to the
conception, birth, and rearing of children. This is the real
meaning of the much abused term sex. In other words, sex stands
for the sum total of organic and functional differences which
distinguish men from women. From the viewpoint of the individual,
sex appears as a need for someone else, for someone else alike,
that is, having the same nature, yet different, because endowed
with this complementary property of the "opposite" sex. Further,
since we are a composite of body and soul, this property of sex
affects our entire physical, psychic, and spiritual make-up. In
marriage, men and women are complementary, that is, they complete
each other at all these levels of human activity.
For this reason, marriage is unlike all other partnerships. As
men and women, you differ in many ways, but it is precisely
because you are different that you will have so many
opportunities to assist and complete each other. Since you are in
love, you wish to be together and to offer gifts to each other.
In the lifelong companionship of marriage, you will be daily
giving of your manliness and your womanliness--gifts which only
you can give and receive.
We Are Equal But Different
According to the divine plan, as men and women you are absolutely
equal in your personal dignity as children of God. You are
absolutely equal in relation to the final purpose of life, which
is everlasting union with God in the happiness of heaven.
However, you do differ in your relationship to reproduction and
to all that is associated with this process. To be specific, how
does this affect you as men and women?
Woman is made for motherhood. Her development is centered around
this function from the moment of conception in her mother's womb.
Every organ of her body bears the stamp of her distinctive
reproductive purpose. She differs from the man in the tempo of
her growth and the rhythm of her life cycle. Because she is
composed of body and soul, her emotional, intellectual, and
spiritual activities tend to be distinctive of her sex.
The man is made for fatherhood. He likewise develops according to
his separate pattern on the physical, emotional, intellectual and
spiritual levels. This development is related to the function he
is to fulfill in the procreation and education of children. He
develops differently from the woman, therefore, because his
reproductive role is different.
It follows that although you are equal as persons, you are not
identical. Much of the modern confusion concerning the "equality"
of the sexes could be avoided if this distinction were kept in
mind. Further, the development of sex according to the
distinctive pattern of maleness or femaleness goes on in the life
cycle of each of us whether we choose to use our reproductive
faculties or not. At the same time, the sex drive will manifest
itself in some form in all normal individuals. Finally, all
normal adults are capable of reacting to appropriate sexual
stimulation in some degree.
We Attach Meanings To Things
Because we are rational beings, we interpret and read "meanings"
into things. In a sense, nothing that intimately affects us is
viewed "neutrally" or with cold objectivity. We attach meanings
to things, and this changes the way we look at them. For example,
male and female differences, together with the various ex-
pressions of the sexual drive, are never viewed indifferently by
us as they apparently are among animals. Rather, we attach
significance to them, and they will be regulated and controlled
according to the meaning which they have for us.
Our ability to read meanings into things and thus to change our
relationship to them merits attention because it shows how and to
what extent we can regulate our sexual impulses. Many modern
writers imply that sexual control is unnatural or unhealthy. This
is utter nonsense. People have always exercised control over sex,
but the nature and extent of this regulation and control has
depended upon the meaning which they gave to the function of sex
itself.
Since Catholics maintain that the primary purpose of the
generative faculties is reproduction, they have always prohibited
the deliberate exercise of this drive outside of marriage. Twenty
centuries of experience demonstrate that this form of control is
possible, "natural," and healthy. It is primarily because many
moderns look upon man as merely a highly developed animal that
they can consider this control to be impossible or "unnatural."
In other words, they give a different meaning to sex than we do.
We Are Social Beings
Another characteristic of our nature is its social quality. We
are social beings by nature. This means that our capacity for
love, sympathy, understanding, the communication of ideas, and so
on, can be developed and used in a satisfactory manner only
through cooperation with others. In short, we are so constituted
that we need society and association with others in order to lead
a full life.
Further, as rational creatures, we are capable of love and of
communicating goodness to others. It should be obvious how
perfectly this social aspect of your nature will find expression
in marriage. Here your capacity for love, sympathy,
understanding, and communication, together with your mutual
reproductive incompleteness, will find fulfillment in a unique
union which makes you "two in one flesh."
We Are Elevated By Grace
Finally, our nature is capable of being elevated to a
supernatural state. When God created man, He endowed human nature
with a higher kind of life, a supernature. This was a sharing of
God's own life. Through it, man was destined to union with God
throughout eternity. Although this sanctifying grace, this
sharing in God's life, was something distinct from human nature,
it permeated and elevated it in a supernatural manner. However,
it was added as a special gift, distinct from human nature, and
could be lost. This happened at the Fall when our first parents
disobeyed God in the Garden.
Since the Fall, we are born without the gift of sanctifying
grace, but our nature is still capable of receiving this gift. As
the Church teaches, the sacrament of baptism restores sanctifying
grace to us, and this grace can be lost only by committing mortal
sin. Hence, the noblest aspect of our nature is its capacity to
be elevated by grace, to share in God's own life. Once we have
received the life of grace through baptism, it is our supreme
privilege and duty to protect, foster, and develop this spiritual
life within us by avoiding evil and doing good. Through the
sacrament of marriage you will receive the special spiritual
helps and graces which you need to reach perfection as husbands
and wives, fathers and mothers.
Our Goal Is Heaven
Our Destiny. We have considered where we came from and what we
are, now we want to know where we are supposed to be going.
Briefly, we are created for eventual union with God in heaven.
The purpose of our earthly life is to love, honor, and serve God
in this world so as to be happy forever with Him in the next. How
do we serve God? By fulfilling our role or vocation in life to
the best of our ability and in accordance with the divine plan
made known to us through the teaching Church.
In his encyclical on Christian Marriage, Pius XI clearly
summarized the purpose and manner of Christian life. "For all
men, of every condition and in whatever honorable walk of life
they may be, can and ought to imitate that most perfect example
of holiness, placed before man by God, namely Christ our Lord,
and by God's grace to arrive at the summit of perfection, as is
proved by the example of many saints."
Summary
What, then, are the essential points of our "philosophy of life"?
First, we see ourselves as dependent upon God for our origin and
continued existence in life. Second, we understand that we are a
unity composed of body and soul. We are neither pure spirits nor
pure animals. As rational creatures, we possess an intellect and
will, memory and imagination, and bodily senses which place us in
contact with the world about us. Through our intellect, we can
distinguish good from evil. Through our will, we can choose to
perform good actions or bad. We clearly recognize that we are
responsible for our conscious activities.
As men and women, we possess different generative systems. Since
these are reproductive faculties through which we are privileged
to cooperate with God in the production of life, we know that
they are not intended primarily for our selfish pleasure. We must
use them according to the purpose for which they were created by
God. Because we are capable of love, sympathy, understanding, and
the communication of good, we need the cooperation of others for
our full self-development and perfection. Thus, we look upon mar-
riage as one of the normal means for the expression of this
sociability and for the fulfillment of our sexual
complementarity.
Further, we believe that we have been redeemed by Christ and now
possess sanctifying grace, the grace which permeates and elevates
our nature, making us children of God and heirs of heaven. We
know that this supernatural life can be lost only by mortal sin,
which is the deliberate, conscious violation of God's law in a
serious matter. Because sanctifying grace unites us with God, it
is the most precious possession that we have. As long as we are
in our right senses, we would never perform an act which would
deprive us of our share in the divine life. "What does it profit
a man to gain the whole world and suffer the loss of his immortal
soul?"
Third, we see our destiny as eternal union with God. The purpose
of life, therefore, is to achieve this union. All other life
purposes are secondary. God has made us for Himself. He has
placed a desire within us which can be satisfied only by Himself.
The enduring happiness which we all seek can be found only in
Him. It follows that we look upon this present life as a
preparation, a way leading to eternal fulfillment and happiness
in heaven. This view enables us to put order in our lives. It
gives us a yardstick by which to measure the temporal, passing
things of this world. One thing is necessary--to strive for
perfection. One way is open--to imitate Christ. In every
condition and walk of life, we are called to the same destiny. To
all of us is given the help needed to achieve this purpose.
Conclusion
Yes, these are sobering thoughts. They present the long range,
over-all view of life. They offer the framework within which you
must view your love and happiness in marriage. Marriage is a life
partnership. Your love must be such that it fits into the meaning
of life or it cannot last. Marriage is a life companionship. The
happiness which you seek from your togetherness can be satisfying
and enduring only to the extent that you are really "good" for
each other, that is, only to the extent that you support and help
each other in attaining that happiness for which you were
created.
It is easy in your new-found love to separate marriage from the
purpose of life. But marriage is only a way of life. As a way, it
has meaning only in terms of its destination. Either it will
offer you an opportunity for the growth and development of
yourselves as followers of Christ, or it will prove an empty,
frustrating experience. There are many types of "love" and
"happiness" between the sexes. Some are shallow, some are
counterfeit, and some are little more than thinly disguised
selfishness. True love and happiness are rooted in life. They are
developmental. They are aids to personal perfection, not
distractions or positive hindrances.
Chapter II: MARRIAGE AS A GOING CONCERN
Now that we have reviewed our over-all philosophy of life, let's
take an objective look at marriage itself. Yes, we're still
interested in love and happiness, but since it's married love and
happiness we want to discuss, we had better review a few facts
about marriage itself in order to get the right perspective. This
means we want to think through what marriage is, and what it
implies in general. We can get down to your marriage a little
later.
In the first place, marriage is a vocation or a way of life which
is freely chosen. You don't have to get married. There are other
vocations or ways of life, although marriage is the most common.
Your choice in regard to marriage is twofold. First, you choose
to marry or not to marry. Second, you choose to marry this person
rather than somebody else. However, you are not free to choose
the kind of marriage you want. The nature of marriage is
unchangeable. God is its founder. If you choose to marry, you
must accept the nature of marriage as God planned it. You are not
free to write your own type of marriage contract.
Some Definitions
How is the marriage contract defined? It is a legitimate
agreement between a man and a woman conferring the mutual,
exclusive, and perpetual right both to acts which are of their
very nature proper for begetting offspring, and to the sharing of
life together.
Since marriage is founded on a contract, it implies your consent.
How is matrimonial consent defined? It is an act of the will by
which each party gives and accepts a perpetual and exclusive
right over the body, for acts which are of themselves suitable
for the generation of children.
What is the effect of the marriage contract? It establishes the
conjugal union or conjugal state which can be defined as the
legitimate union or society of a man and woman for the purposes
of generating and educating offspring, and for mutual aid and
companionship.
The stiff, formal terms of these definitions speak some simple
truths. Since the purpose of marriage is the generation and
education of children, when you enter marriage, you establish a
society which is apt for this purpose. Thus you leave your own
families in order to found a new one of your own. Further, you
mutually give and accept the right to acts which are proper for
the generation of children. This exchange is exclusive so that
you have the assurance of loyalty and loving fidelity. It is
perpetual so that you have lasting security in your love. In
other words, you are entering a life-partnership in which not
only your love but your marriage promises bind you to make the
necessary adjustments and adaptations which living together and
raising a family require.
Marriage Is A Sacrament
But the blessings of children and of loyal companionship are not
the only benefits you will receive. Through baptism you have been
made children of God and members of Christ's Mystical Body. When
you marry, your marriage is a sacrament. This means that Our Lord
has made it the sign and source of special internal grace. The
effect of this sacramental grace is threefold. It perfects your
natural love for each other. It strengthens your bond of unity.
It makes you more holy, providing there is no obstacle placed in
its operation. Thus by pronouncing your marriage vows at the
altar, you open up for yourselves a treasure of sacramental grace
from which you can draw supernatural power for the fulfilling of
your vocation.
In a sense, by means of the sacrament, you are consecrated, that
is, set aside and assisted for a special work within the Church.
The family which you are about to establish is not only the
cradle of the race, it is a cell of the Mystical Body within
which new members are developed and trained in the service of
God. You are given the grace to share, then, not only in the
creative act of God, but in the redemptive work of Christ. The
great benefit of the sacrament is that you are given the right to
the actual assistance of grace whenever you need it for
fulfilling the duties of your special calling.
Your marriage, as the sacrament of two in one flesh, has a
further sublime meaning. It symbolizes the union of Christ and
His Church, and is consequently the sign of something eminently
holy. As the visible image of a sacred thing--the mystical union
of Christ and His Church--your marriage is holy. It becomes the
source of those supernatural graces which we have mentioned
above. Just as the union of Christ and the Church is the
efficacious cause of numerous graces, so your marriage, as a
symbol and type of this mystical union, supplies the grace needed
for your mutual sanctification as husband and wife. In other
words, your marriage is an efficacious sign, that is, it contains
and causes the grace which it signifies.
Moreover, since your marriage is the visible image of the
mystical union of Christ and His Church, your love as husband and
wife must be patterned after the love of Christ for the Church.
Christ loved with a boundless love, seeking not His own
advantage, but only the good of His spouse--"even unto death." So
your love must be expressed in mutual service. seeking the good
of your partner considered not only as a marriage mate, but as a
companion on the road to perfection.
The Need For Realism
You may protest that the above explanation of marriage is rather
technical and formal. It lacks all warmth and life. We have given
you the technical definitions for very good reasons. You should
know exactly the contents of the marriage contract, the nature of
marital consent, what the conjugal state implies, and what help
the sacrament gives you. There's nothing very mature in saying,
"We'll think about those things later. Right now, we just want to
get married!" We have always been a little curious about the
mentality of couples who seem to look upon marriage as nothing
more than a prolongation of the engagement period. Some never
seem to push their thoughts beyond the wedding day--as if there
were not a wedding night, as well as "the morning after the night
before!"
It need destroy none of your romance to see marriage for what it
is. When a normal man and woman are drawn together by love, they
naturally seek to give themselves to each other as they are, that
is, as complementary partners in the reproductive act. This is
what our definition of the marriage contract states. The specific
quality of the marriage contract which differentiates it from all
other contracts is its reproductive character. This also gives it
its unique significance. Whether they think about it or not, love
between man and woman always bears this stamp of mutual
reproductive complementarity. This is only saying that they love
each other as male and female. As we have seen, the quality of
maleness and femaleness (sex) permeates their whole being. When
they love, they love as man and woman. When they enter a life
partnership in marriage, their partnership is necessarily sexual.
We would not have to spend so much time on this point if many
people did not have such confused ideas about the meaning of sex.
Most moderns apply the term almost exclusively to the stimulation
and exercise of the reproductive organs. They make the further
mistake of separating the use of these faculties from their
natural generative function so that "sex" and "sexual"
stimulations become legitimate forms of pleasure and
entertainment outside of marriage.
In opposition to this crude, partial view of sex, many have gone
to the opposite extreme. They tend to speak and act as if sex did
not exist--at least, not among decent people! This view gives
rise to a highly unrealistic approach toward love between men and
women and toward the meaning of marriage. We do not change
reality by denying its existence. The crude, materialistic view,
and the head-buried-in-the-sand, ostrich-like attitude are both
equally erroneous and harmful. The Christian approach is to see
things from God's point of view, that is, as they really are.
What Marriage Means To You
Now that we have seen what marriage is, let us look at the
conjugal union as a going concern. For purposes of study, we can
consider it under two aspects. First, we can consider what it
means to the persons involved. This is its personal aspect.
Second, we can consider it as a specifically reproductive social
union. This is its institutional aspect. Both aspects are
interdependent and closely related, but they may be considered
separately for purposes of discussion.
What does marriage mean to the persons involved? Briefly, it
means what you are looking for primarily when you want to get
married. Because you are in love, you wish to share life
together. You want companionship, oneness, complete union as man
and woman. This means you expect the conjugal union to offer you
a means for the display of affection and intimate emotional
response, for the secure and loving fulfillment of your
reproductive desires, and for the development of your spiritual
life. In other words, you look upon marriage as a life
partnership in which you can express and develop your powers as
man and woman by mutually aiding, supporting, and completing each
other throughout life.
In terms of your Christian philosophy of life, this means you
look upon marriage as an intimate society in which your love for
each other will strengthen and support you in living your life
according to the divine plan. Pius XI has clearly emphasized this
aspect of married love.
"The love, then, of which we are speaking is not that based on
the passing lust of the moment nor does it consist in pleasing
words only, but in the deep attachment of the heart which is
expressed in action, since love is proved by deeds. This outward
expression of love in the home demands not only mutual help but
must go further, indeed must have its primary purpose that man
and wife help each other day by day in forming and perfecting
themselves in the interior life; so that through their
partnership in life they may advance ever more and more in
virtue, and above all that they may grow in true love towards God
and their neighbor, on which indeed 'dependeth the whole law and
the prophets.'"
Your love for each other, expressed through your differences as
man and woman, helps you to achieve your purpose in living and in
fulfilling your destiny as children of God. There is no
contradiction here. It is not "all this and heaven too!" as the
song has it. Rather in the Christian view, your married love, to-
gether with the pleasures and happiness which are associated with
its expression, serves as a divinely planned means to promote
your mutual perfection. If you recall that the sacrament of
matrimony "elevates and perfects" your natural powers, you will
readily understand the intimate relationship between your married
love and mutual sanctification.
What Marriage Means In Itself
This personal aspect of marriage is probably what you have
uppermost in mind when you look forward to married life. However,
as you think through the full meaning of companionship in
marriage, you soon realize that you are partners in a very
special kind of enterprise. Your marriage contract has
established a new social unit having a highly specific purpose
which differentiates it from all other social units. It is a re-
productive unit, that is, it is a society set up to provide for
the fitting procreation and education of your children. This is
marriage considered under its specifically institutional aspect.
You Live Together
Let us look at marriage from this viewpoint and see what it
implies. First, it implies cohabitation--the intimate, continued
living together in which you share "bread and bed" in a common
habitation which you call home. Marital cohabitation is
characterized by its special intimacy. This intimacy is
extensive. You are together not for only a few hours as on a
date. You are interacting with each other not for only eight
hours a day as you do with others at work. Marital cohabitation,
however, stands for a complete and integral togetherness, all
day, every day--for life. It is also intensive, pervading your
physical, psychic, and spiritual powers and coloring all their
manifestations.
Further, since cohabitation is based on your sexual differences,
it involves a highly meaningful intimacy. No other intimacy
implies such a total giving of self. At the same time, it is a
productive intimacy. In the normal course of events, children
will be born. These will be the loving visible fruit of your
intimacy. They will embody your mutual love and hope, and bind
you together for the future as no verbal contract or fervent
promise of love could ever do.
This intimacy is both an ideal to be achieved and a process
growing out of your detailed, day-to-day contact in the home. It
admits of many degrees in depth and extension, but the very
nature of the marriage contract calls it into existence so that
your marriage will have little meaning if this intimacy does not
exist. We are not speaking of a mere emotion. a "feeling" of
oneness which accompanies all true companionship. The Catholic
ideal of marriage calls for an entire, personal giving of self, a
"two-in-oneness" which cuts through the protective walls of your
selfish individualism and molds the complementary qualities of
manliness and womanliness into a higher unity productive of
growth on the physical, psychic, intellectual and spiritual
levels of your being.
You Work Together
Second, marriage demands an economic foundation. Marriage is not
primarily an economic unit, but the economic forms the solid
underpinning for all marital relationships. In other words, there
must be some kind of house in which to found the "home." There
must be support for the wife and children during the childbearing
and child rearing stages. As husband and wife, you will have to
cooperate in building this economic foundation: the husband,
through his earnest attention to his employment and his careful
budgeting of expenses; the wife, through her work in the home and
her prudent shopping.
Keeping your marriage economically sound may require considerable
self-denial and sacrifice of both. A reproductive enterprise is
an expensive affair under modern conditions. In a very real
sense, your entrance into marriage represents a commitment to the
future. But you are not entering marriage because you believe
that "two can live cheaper than one," or because you believe that
marriage is an economically profitable venture. You are entering
marriage because you are in love and hope that God will bless
your union with children. You take for granted that you are going
to work. Marriage will give motive and purpose to your efforts,
as well as the joy of sharing the fruits of your labor with those
whom you love.
In discussing the economic element in marriage, it is well to
recall that in this area as in all others, there is a scale of
values. For example, you give up some of your freedom when you
marry, but you want to do this because you desire to be with the
person whom you love. In the same way, while working and saving
for the support of the family, you give up the personal enjoyment
of many items because you want to provide for the needs of those
you love.
Unfortunately, in our society so much emphasis is placed on
acquiring the material symbols of success that you can easily get
your scale of values confused. You can decide on a new car rather
than a baby, not only because you can get quicker delivery, but
because you mistakenly value the car more than the baby. You can
put off having babies in the early years of marriage so that the
wife can go to work, in the mixed up belief that it is better to
accumulate a little "nest-egg" before having the babies.
To follow such a course reveals a complete confusion of values as
well as a serious mistake about where your true happiness lies in
marriage. Individual selfishness, as well as selfishness as a
couple, is destructive of marital happiness. As we have pointed
out, you can choose to marry or not to marry; you can choose your
mate, but you cannot choose the conditions for happiness in
marriage. Marriage has its own rules laid down by the Creator
when He created you man and woman, and you can find happiness in
marriage only by following these rules.
You Form A Special Social Group
Third, marriage implies a social unit. By this we mean that if
you are to be happy together and are to rear children in a manner
befitting their pattern of development, you must establish a
community, a little society in which you interact as complete
human beings. More than the provision of food, shelter, and
clothing is required for the fostering of marital love and the
full development of children. There must be communication,
interaction, the doing and sharing of work and play together. The
man who becomes so involved in earning a living or in his hobbies
that he has no time for his family cannot justify his failure to
cooperate fully in the intimate life of the family by insisting
that he is a good provider. The woman who becomes so involved in
her children that she neglects her husband, or is so taken up
with work and extra-familial activities that she never gets
around to mother her children, seriously fails in her obligation
to cooperate in making the home a social unit for the development
of all.
A true home is the place where family members come together as a
unit It is the only place in society where people can really be
themselves. It alone supplies the security and atmosphere for
intimate emotional response and fulfillment. If many moderns find
it difficult to distinguish between a home and a hotel, it is
because they have failed to develop the home as a social unit in
which the members are bound together by their memories, shared
experiences, and secure mutual understandings.
You Acquire New Relationships With God
Fourth, marriage implies a religious institution. By this we mean
that it has by its very nature a special relationship to the
service of God. It is founded on a sacramental contract. The
union between husband and wife is a symbol of the union between
Christ and the Church, as St. Paul tells us. As a procreative
union it requires the intervention of God for the creation of
each new life. As a going concern, it is the society within which
husband and wife work out their salvation.
Finally, it is the social cell, the unit within which new
children of God are developed and trained. The role of the family
in the religious formation of the child is irreplaceable and
vital. In the final analysis, it is within the family circle that
the child acquires his enduring attitudes toward God and his
neighbor, toward good and evil, toward life and its purpose.
Summary
To summarize briefly, the vocation of marriage is a freely chosen
way of life. As a way, it takes its meaning from its destination
or purpose. In other words, it can be fully understood only in
terms of the ultimate purpose of life itself, which is the
attainment of heaven through the service of God. It is one way of
life, differentiated from others by its specific reproductive
character. In marriage, therefore, man and woman, united by love
and the sacramental contract, work out their salvation by
cooperating with God in the procreation and education of
children.
Although as engaged couples you now tend to emphasize the
personal aspects of marriage, these cannot be fully understood
apart from the primary purpose of marriage. In marriage, your
love, companionship, happiness, and personal development are
subordinated to an end which surpasses them: fatherhood and
motherhood. As Pius XII reminds us, "Not only the common work of
exterior life, but also all personal enrichment, even
intellectual and spiritual enrichment, including what is most
spiritual and profound in conjugal love as such, have been put by
the will of nature and the Creator at the service of our
descendants."
There is no contradiction here. The more you love each other and
the greater happiness you find in marriage, the better prepared
you will be for fatherhood and motherhood. This follows from the
very nature of married love. If it becomes a selfish search for
emotional and physical satisfactions in the interest of the
married couple only, it is self-defeating and cannot endure. If
it is dedicated and consecrated to parenthood, it grows deeper
and more all-embracing throughout life.
Chapter III: MARRIAGE IS A SOCIAL AFFAIR
YOU MAY not realize it, but your marriage is not the private
affair you tend to consider it. We saw in the last chapter that
the vocation of marriage derives its nobility primarily from two
sources. First, as companions in a reproductive union, you are
privileged to cooperate with God in the procreation and education
of children. Second, the matrimonial bond which unites you is
both the sign and the source of the sacramental grace which you
need in your special vocation. By its very nature, then, your
marriage implies the concern of extra-familial institutions--the
state, the Church, and the social system.
Because they are concerned, these institutions have established a
series of regulations and customs governing the marriage contract
and your entrance into the married state. Getting married
involves more than saying "I do" at the altar. Definite
preliminary procedures must be completed before you are allowed
to marry. For people in love, these are likely to be considered
annoying obstacles or hindrances. In reality, they are necessary
safeguards which long experience has taught us are required for
the protection of marriage and the family. Further, every society
develops a set of practices and customs related to entrance into
marriage, and although these do not have the force of law, they
generally exert considerable pressure on the average couple. It
will be worthwhile to go over some of the more important
preliminaries so that you will know what to expect when you
decide to marry.
The Church And The State Are Interested
Two systems of law regulate the legal conditions for your
entrance into marriage. The reason is that you are members of two
separate societies--the Church or ecclesiastical society, and the
state or civil society. Through baptism you became members of the
Church, the society established by Jesus Christ for the salvation
of all men. By your membership, you acquired new rights and new
obligations and became subject to the jurisdiction of the Church
in matters pertaining to these rights and duties. The Church is
particularly interested in marriage because it is one of the
seven sacraments or channels of grace through which the merits of
Christ's redemptive sacrifice are dispensed to the faithful. The
Church's laws are stated in the Code of Canon Law.
Through birth or naturalization you have become citizens of the
United States. By your citizenship, you acquired new rights and
new obligations and became subject to the jurisdiction of the
state in matters pertaining to these rights and duties. Although
the state has no direct or indirect power over the validity or
licitness of your marriage as Christians, it has the right to
prescribe reasonable regulations for the protection of the public
order, health and safety, and also to pass laws governing the
merely civil effects of the contract.
According to the Code, a man before completing his sixteenth
year, and a woman before completing her fourteenth, cannot
contract a valid marriage. This is the minimum required for
validity, but in our culture young people should not marry at
such an early age since they are scarcely prepared to assume the
responsibilities of marriage until they are older.
Impotence
In order to be capable of making a valid marriage contract, one
must be capable of performing the marital act which is the
substance of the contract. One who is not capable of the marital
act is termed impotent. The marital act, or conjugal copula, can
be defined as the act by which semen from the male is placed in
the vagina of the female by a natural act. Impotency must be
distinguished from sterility because sterility does not hinder
the contract.
Sterility is the incapacity for generation, that is, for
procreating offspring. In practice, one can make this broad
distinction between impotency and sterility: whatever hinders the
natural process of generation (capacity to have children)
constitutes sterility only; whatever hinders the human action of
generation, that is, marital copula, or intercourse, constitutes
impotence. For example, if a woman has had her ovaries removed,
she is sterile but not impotent. Consequently, she is capable of
contracting marriage.
Existence Of A Previous Marriage Bond
If one of the parties seeking to contract marriage is bound by
the bond of a prior valid marriage, he is incapable of
contracting a valid marriage. Simply stated, until the previous
bond is clearly dissolved, no new marriage bond is possible.
Further, even though the previous marriage was invalid, a clear
proof of its invalidity must be offered before a new contract can
be made. Hence, if either partner has been involved in any type
of previous marriage, they should inform the pastor of this fact
when they consult him about their marriage services.
Mixed Marriage
Catholics are forbidden to marry non- Catholics, since such
unions are a danger to the faith either of the Catholic partner
or of the children. If there are just and grave reasons for the
marriage, and guarantees are offered that the faith of the
Catholic party will be respected and the children born to the
union will be baptized and educated in the Catholic faith alone,
a dispensation may be granted for the marriage. As we have seen,
marriage is a way of life, and as such, it should assist, not
hinder one in achieving the purpose of life. There is always
grave danger that a mixed marriage will prove a hindrance. Of
course, once a couple have fallen in love, they are not likely to
admit the possibilities of any problems in their marriage.
Religious differences cause trouble only in the marriages of
others!
Marriage Between Relatives
Canon law regulates marriages between relatives. People may be
related either by "blood" or by marriage. Blood relatives in the
direct line, that is, when one descends from another, cannot
marry. For example, marriages between fathers and daughters,
grandfathers and granddaughters, and so on, are prohibited. Blood
relatives in the indirect line, that is, when neither person is
descended from the other, but both are descended from a common
ancestor, as brother and sister, are forbidden to marry up to the
third degree of descent inclusive, that is, up to and inclusive
of second cousins.
Relatives by marriage cannot marry in the direct line of descent.
For example, marriage between a man and his mother-in-law,
daughter-in-law, and so on, is prohibited. In the indirect line
of relationship by marriage, marriage is prohibited up to the
second degree inclusive, that is, between a man and his sister-
in-law, his aunts or nieces by marriage, and so on.
The appropriate authority may grant a dispensation from these
prohibitions for certain degrees of relationship, providing just
and grave reasons exist for the marriage. However, dispensations
are never granted for the direct line (brother and sister). They
are seldom granted for relationship by marriage in the direct
line.
These canonical impediments represent the principal factors which
affect the capacity of individuals to make a marriage contract.
There are a few others mentioned in the Code, but it is not
necessary to treat them here since they cover special cases. Your
pastor in the premarital examination will see to it that the
requirements of the Code are adequately fulfilled.
The Conditions Required For Consent
Let us now consider the conditions for valid consent. Since
marriage is based on a contract, it can be effected only by the
agreement or consent of the contracting parties. Valid consent,
therefore, is required by the very nature of marriage. It follows
that neither the state, nor the Church, nor any human power
outside the contracting parties can supply the necessary consent.
The reason for this is evident if we analyze the marriage
contract. Every contract transfers some right, and the right
which it transfers is called the object of the contract. As we
have seen, matrimonial consent is defined by the Church as an act
of the will by which each party gives and accepts a perpetual and
exclusive right over the body for acts which are of themselves
suitable for the generation of children. Hence, as an act of the
will, only the contracting parties can give consent. Since it
involves the giving and acceptance of a right, some mutual
expression of this consent is required by the very nature of the
contract.
In order to enter a valid contract, the partners must be capable
according to the law. This holds for all contracts. The code
defines the factors which hinder true consent in the marriage
contract. They are: want of the use of reason, defective
knowledge of the object of the contract, mistaken identity,
pretense or fictitious consent, duress and fear, and intention
contrary to the essence of the marriage contract. When one or
several of these factors as defined by the Code are present,
there can be no true consent and, consequently, no marriage. Most
of these factors are self-explanatory, but we have mentioned them
here so that you will understand the reason for some of the
questions which your pastor will ask you when he instructs you
for marriage.
The Conditions Required For The Ceremony
Certain conditions are required for the valid celebration of
marriage. The Code defines the form of celebration by stating,
"only those marriages are valid which are contracted before the
pastor or the Ordinary of the place, or a priest delegated by
either of these, and at least two witnesses." The purpose of this
law is to safeguard the liberty of the contracting parties and to
have assurance that the marriage has taken place validly.
As you well know, the priest who officiates at your wedding does
not administer the sacrament of matrimony. His presence is
required as a witness representing the Church. Also, as a
representative of Christ, he blesses your marriage. However, you,
as the two contracting parties, confer the sacrament upon each
other when you exchange your marriage vows. In this way, you are
the ministers of grace to each other, and this first act which is
the foundation of your marriage should be the model for all of
your mutual actions throughout your married life--you should
remain the ministers of grace to each other by mutually assisting
each other in striving for perfection in God's service.
Your Pastor And Your Marriage
This legislation of the Code covering capacity, consent, and form
has been established to protect the sanctity and validity of your
marriage contract. With the same purpose in mind, the Code also
enforces several other conditions concerning your marriage prep-
aration. Your pastor is required by the Code to make certain that
there are no obstacles to your valid marriage by questioning each
of you separately concerning the impediments, freedom of consent,
and your understanding of Christian doctrine. In many dioceses of
the United States, you will be asked to fill out a questionnaire
covering these factors.
Further, your pastor will want to know whether you understand the
sanctity of marriage, the mutual obligations of husband and wife,
and the duties of parents toward their children. In most cases,
he will ask you to meet with him for three or four "instructions"
shortly before your marriage is to take place. You must keep this
fact in mind in making your plans for marriage.
The "Banns"
Finally, the Code requires the publication of the "banns." On
three successive Sundays or feast days of obligation before your
marriage is to be celebrated, your names are to be announced at
the principal Mass, and the faithful are informed that they are
gravely obligated to make known to the proper authorities any
impediments or reasons why you should not be married. The banns
must be published in the parish church of each place in which you
dwell and, should you not be well known, in the parish church of
each place where you have dwelt for longer than six months since
reaching the age of puberty.
The publication of the banns represents one further attempt to
guarantee the validity of your marriage contract. Although you
may foolishly believe that such protection is not required in
your case, long experience has taught that the publication of the
banns serves a useful purpose. Only the bishop can dispense from
their publication for just and grave reasons.
State Laws Regulating Marriage
The laws of the state. Since marriage is the primary unit of
human society, the state, in its office of protecting the common
good, assumes the right to specify the civil law conditions for
its inception. In the United States, the legislatures of the
several states have laid down definite procedural requirements
which must be complied with for entrance into marriage. This
legislation differs considerably from state to state but it may
be of some help to take an overall view of the principal laws
which have been enacted.
Marriage License
All states require that couples who wish to marry first obtain a
marriage license. The license grants legal permission to marry.
In most states, it is issued by either the county recorder or a
county officer. Most states require a waiting period between the
time of the application for a license and the marriage. The
average waiting period required is five days. Many states have a
venereal disease law which serves the same purpose as a waiting
period since results of the tests are not returned for several
days. In many states the judge may waive the waiting period if
the bride is pregnant or other circumstances appear to render the
waiting period unnecessary.
Physical Examination
A total of 31 states have venereal disease laws. These laws
require a physical examination of both the man and the woman for
venereal disease shortly before the marriage. This examination is
good for a period of from 10 to 40 days depending on the various
state laws. If marriage does not take place within that period,
the examination must be repeated. In seven states the test is for
all venereal diseases, in 24 states it is for syphilis only.
Interracial Unions
Interracial marriages are forbidden in about half the states, but
the definition of what constitutes a "race" is very vague in most
statutes. As a rule, intermarriage between Negroes and whites is
prohibited in the southern states and between Orientals and
whites in the western states. The constitutionality of these laws
has been questioned in several states, but there is little doubt
that the pressure of public opinion will keep them operative in
many regions for some time to come.
Age
All states have laws prohibiting the marriage of young people
before a certain age. The states usually set two ages at which
marriage may take place. One age which is legal if the parents
give their consent, and one at which the young people may marry
with out parental consent. The most common ages for permitting
marriage with parental consent is 18 for boys and 16 for girls.
The most common minimum ages for marriage without parental
consent are 21 for boys and 18 for girls.
Prohibited Degrees Of Relationship
All states have some regulations concerning marriage between
relatives. All states prohibit marriage between close blood
relatives such as brothers and sisters, fathers and daughters,
mothers and sons, and so forth. Twenty-nine states do not permit
marriages between first cousins, and brothers and sisters of half
blood. About half the states have some regulations concerning
marriages between various degrees of in-laws and step-relatives.
Non-Legal Controls: Social Customs
In addition to these regulations of Church and state, the society
in which you live imposes certain customs and practices which you
are bound to think about in your marriage preparation. The normal
transition from courtship into marriage passes through three
stages: the engagement, the wedding, and the honeymoon. Society
has surrounded these stages with certain practices and customs
which differ from region to region and according to the
circumstances of your social class and standing in the community.
You will probably have to think about premarital parties and
"showers," the persons to include in your wedding party, the size
and type of wedding reception you desire, and the place where you
will go on your honeymoon. Since the circumstances and desires of
individual couples differ so greatly, there are few general rules
which can be laid down covering these stages. However, you ought
to keep the following principles in mind.
Some General Advice
First, the period of engagement should be one of progressive
adaptation to each other. By working out plans and making
decisions concerning your wedding and honeymoon, you should take
the first step in working together which marriage requires.
Unfortunately, some couples allow their parents and relatives to
do all the planning for them so that they derive little benefit
from this opportunity to work together.
Second, although the wedding is both a religious and a social
event, it is ridiculous to turn it into a fashion show. You
should not attempt to "show off" by the size and splendor of your
wedding reception. It is a healthy thought to reflect that you
won't fool anybody, anyway. People know pretty well how much
money you have, and what you can reasonably afford.
Finally, your honeymoon should be planned with some consideration
of its essential purpose in mind. The honeymoon represents the
period of your initiation into the conjugal state. If you decide
to travel, the destination should be mutually agreed upon. This
is hardly the time for breaking records in distance traveled and
places "seen." Normally, the honeymoon should provide you with an
opportunity to be alone and to enjoy your new-found intimacy
together in a leisurely, mutually satisfying way. Your past
experience together should help you decide what type of vacation
you will find most enjoyable under the circumstances. At any
rate, remember you are not out to impress others with your
durability as travelers or with the size of your bank roll.
Conclusion
Your marriage has social characteristics which you cannot ignore.
You will visit your pastor in due time before the marriage so
that you can arrange a convenient date for the wedding and can
complete the necessary premarital preparations without hurry and
haste. You will obtain a marriage license and fulfill whatever
regulations your state laws may require. Finally, you will show
your maturity and common sense in planning your wedding and
honeymoon. Keep their essential purpose in mind, realizing that
this is your marriage and they represent the first stages of a
lifetime together.
Chapter IV: ADJUSTMENT IN MARRIAGE
FROM the viewpoint of personal adjustment, your wedding
represents little more than a learner's permit--and you have much
to learn. As we have seen, none of our human actions are purely
instinctive. Although they may be founded on basic drives, they
are expressed in learned activities. In other words, we cannot
rely on instincts, or the complementarity of male and female, or
the naturalness of marriage to produce marital adjustment. This
should be obvious, but many young couples act as if the wedding
celebration were a guarantee that they are to live happily ever
after. This ending may be all right in a movie script. In real
life, however, this represents only the first scene in the
lifelong drama of marriage.
Why Adjustment Is Necessary
The words of song-writers to the contrary, your marriage was not
"made in heaven," or were you specially "made for one another."
Your marriage will be "made" from day to day through your ability
to adjust to one another in the intimate, routine experiences
which characterize life together. A little thinking reveals why
successful marriage requires considerable adaptability and
adjustment.
You Really Don't Know Each Other Very Well
In the first place, before marriage you cannot observe all the
character traits of your partner. Besides, during courtship you
are on your "good behavior," and new love tends to stress
similarities rather than differences. You may even think that
once you are married, you can change those qualities in your
partner which you do not like. However, after marriage you will
see yourselves as you really are--no better and no worse. In
their home, people tend to be their unpremeditated selves, and
the differences which are revealed may come as a shock to the
immature spouse with romantic dreams of perfect unity. In
reality, this means only that the "best" husband or wife in the
world is not perfect. God alone is perfect.
Marriage Is A Unique Partnership
Second, adaptability and adjustment are required because you are
establishing a unique kind of partnership. This calls for
companionship on the physical, psychological, social, and
spiritual levels. Since you do not operate on mere instinct, and
you both have been differently conditioned through past learning
and experience, you must work out mutually satisfactory
adjustment at all these levels of intimacy. Hence you must learn
each other's moods and attitudes, and learn to interpret each
other's reactions. This is knowledge which comes only from
experience. Your parents may tell you that "men are that way," or
"women are that way," but these sage generalizations won't help
you very much. The question you must answer is: "Is my man that
way?" or "Is my woman that way?" Individual differences are
great, and part of the exhilarating experience of marriage is the
discovery of the unique qualities in the person you love.
You Must Make Long Range Decisions
Third, since the partnership you are forming has social
implications, you must work out adjustments in your individual
aspirations and relationships. What social status are you aiming
at? Who are to be your intimate friends and guests? How are you
to spend your money? Should you buy a new car, go into debt to
purchase a house, "splurge" on a vacation, or on entertainment
and recreation? You must work out an agreement on these points as
the occasion arises.
The Family Cycle
Finally, adaptability and adjustment are required throughout
marriage because you yourselves will undergo some changes and
because new situations will arise which require a modification of
established relationships. The arrival of children, sickness, or
death in the family circle, financial loss or marked success,
separation occasioned by work or war--all these factors call for
adaptability and adjustment.
Further, the development of the family cycle itself brings
change. It starts with the newly married pair, evolves into the
enlarged family circle, and then, with the maturing of the
offspring and their departure from home, returns to the original
pair in the pattern of the "empty nest." You must be prepared to
grow together in your married life, and all growth implies
adaptability and adjustment to changing situations.
Some General Principles For Adjusting
Circumstances and couples differ so greatly that it is not easy
to say just what elements make a successful marriage. The best we
can do is point out a few general principles and indicate the
chief areas in which adjustments must necessarily be made. Let us
start with the general principles.
Determination To Succeed
First, one of the main requirements for success in marriage is
the determination to succeed. If you have made up your mind that
come what may, you are going to make a success of your marriage,
there are no problems you cannot handle together. This will to
succeed must flow from the deep conviction that achieving success
in your marriage is the most important goal of your lives. No
matter what other successes you may gain, if you fail here, your
life is a failure since marriage is your vocation.
Self-Knowledge Leads To Self-Control
Second, the practical key to adjustment in marriage is
self-control motivated by love. Self-control implies
self-knowledge. In other words, your ability to understand and
control your marriage will not exceed your ability to understand
and control yourselves. How much insight do you have into
yourself? It is the universal mark of the immature and the
neurotic to have no insight into themselves. They constantly
blame others when things go wrong. They have no adaptability
because they have no understanding of themselves. In marriage,
they expect their partners to make all the adjustments. To an
outsider, they may appear to be merely extremely selfish;
actually, they are children who have never grown up.
Love Must Permeate All Your Activity
Third, the intensity of love at marriage is no index of its
permanence. The highly emotional character of your love during
courtship and the honeymoon period is temporary. You couldn't go
through life "emoting" at that rate even if you would! Early love
lacks depth and extension. In a sense, it exists as a thing apart
from the prosaic process of everyday living. During courtship,
you like to feel that love changes everything. In reality, the
routine tasks of "keeping house" and earning a living remain as
they were. Your love can change these only if it develops.
In successful marriage, love grows and permeates every area of
your life. By sharing and working together, your personalities
can be gradually blended so that your life touches at many
points. In this way, your love becomes a part of life, a total
orientation of your whole person, rather than a highly emotional
relationship which seeks constant expression through the external
display of affection. What we are saying is that true married
love must be a part of your lives, not something alongside of
life, super-added as a kind of emotional luxury in constant
danger of being destroyed by contact with reality.
Love Is Not Calculating
Fourth, successful marriage is not based on calculated giving.
Marriage is not a fifty-fifty proposition for the simple reason
that what each of you as man and woman contribute to its success
is different and non-comparable. Each must give all--the wife of
her womanliness and the husband of his manliness. Success and
happiness result from the blending of these complementary
features in a loving partnership. For this reason, selfish,
self-centered persons are such dangerous marriage risks. They do
not ask, "What can I give?" but rather, "What do I get?"
Love Seeks To Share
Fifth, your married love must follow the law of all loving. This
states, first, that love is expressed more in actions than in
words; and second, that love consists in the mutual
communication, the giving, the sharing of the goods which each of
the lovers possesses. By your very nature of maleness and female-
ness you can complete each other only by sharing, and you can
find self-fulfillment only by the gift of self. In this manner,
married love exemplifies the paradox of all love. Remember how
Jesus explains love in the Gospels? "Believe me when I tell you
this: a grain of wheat must fall into the ground and die, or else
it remains nothing more than a grain of wheat; but if it dies,
then it yields rich fruit. He who loves his life will lose it; he
who is an enemy to his own life in this world will keep it, so as
to live eternally" (John 12: 24-25).
Love Requires Trust
Finally, all love for another involves a risk, for in loving
another we are putting our trust in one who is weak and fallible
like ourselves. Only God can be loved with utter confidence and
security because He alone is perfect. For this reason, if you are
in earnest about success, you will base your marriage on prayer
and the sacraments. These are the means which Christ has given to
you to strengthen, elevate, and perfect weak human nature. As you
draw closer to Christ, you become more like Him in nature, and
your love ceases to be a gamble because it is founded on one who
is Christ-like.
Basic Areas Of Marital Adjustment
These general principles govern all love relationships. It will
be helpful, however, to take a closer look at marriage in order
to outline the chief areas in which your love must operate. These
are areas calling for cooperation and adjustment. They flow from
the very nature of the married state. To the extent that your
love permeates and motivates your actions in these areas, you
will find happiness in marriage.
First, there is the area constituted by your intimate marital
relations. Since these involve the very essence of the marriage
contract, we shall reserve their treatment for a separate
chapter.
Family Ideals
Second, there is the broad area which we might call "definition
of roles." Each of you enters marriage with a definition or
concept of the roles that husband and wife should fulfill in
marriage. Whether you recognize it or not, your definition is
probably based largely on the example of your own parents,
particularly if you are the product of a happy home. But the
definition of roles in no two families is entirely similar. Happy
and successful families tend to differ considerably in this
respect. Consequently, you will probably be entering marriage
with somewhat different ideas concerning your own roles and those
of your partner. This can be the source of real misunderstanding
and conflict. Each tends to think his own definition is the right
one so that when the partner does not conform, he appears
unreasonable, stubborn, and even wrong.
You must understand that there are many ways to fulfill marriage
roles. First, find out what your partner thinks and then through
a process of give and take motivated by love, work out a mutually
satisfactory definition. This requires insight and patience. Of
course, the selfish or immature person will childishly insist on
his own definition as the only correct one and will probably have
the support of his parents in doing so. Although one must be
willing to adjust, it is not well to start off marriage by making
all the concessions. You are laying the foundations of a new fam-
ily, and from the very nature of the case, it is not going to
look exactly like the parental home of either of you.
Spiritual Ideals
Third, there is the area of the spiritual life. Because of
temperament and previous experience, partners may differ
considerably here. One's spiritual life is a highly personal
affair. Hence there must be deep respect for each other's
sensibilities in this regard. At the same time, marriage is meant
to be a means of mutual religious support. If you truly love each
other, you will work for each other's spiritual development.
Further, by starting at once to pray and worship together, by
mutually helping each other to interpret the happenings of life
in a Christian sense, you establish an area of profound shared
experiences and understandings which is one of the stablest
sources of happiness in your married life.
Domestic Economics
Fourth, there is the area of economics. You are not likely to
start out with the same scale of values regarding how money is to
be spent. Temperament, common sense, and previous experience play
major roles in our attitudes about money. Since marriage is a
partnership, family income is a family affair. You can be very
selfish here. Personal expenditures must be made with the partner
and the good of the family unit in mind. Once you are married,
you can never again think only of yourself. You are now two in
one flesh and you must plan and act accordingly. Take a realistic
view of your family income. In drawing up your plans for the
future, don't ask yourselves how the "Jones" are spending their
money, but in terms of your own scale of values and your own
needs, work out your own program.
This is your marriage, rich in the possibilities for happiness
and love. Don't make the common mistake of yearning and striving
so hard for the things you don't have, that you find no time to
enjoy the things you have--until it is too late. Isn't it queer
that when people get married they expect to find love and hap-
piness in themselves, yet afterwards, many engage in a nervous
race to acquire the material symbols of success as if these were
the source of love and happiness? If you are tempted in this way,
ask yourselves whether you will think this "rat-race" in search
of things has been worthwhile when you are fifty, or forty,--or
even thirty-five.
Your Relatives
Fifth, there is the area of in-law relationships. Marriage
represents a union of two families. Your relatives normally will
be a source of friendship and support. However, working out a
balanced relationship with them is not always easy. In a sense,
marriage is a "weaning" process through which you must learn to
transfer your primary loyalties to a new unit--the family which
you are establishing. Parents sometimes forget this, and some
young married people do, too. There need be little trouble if you
learn to stand together as a couple from the beginning. Settle
your problems between yourselves. Don't carry them to outsiders--
even your mother.
On the other hand, in-laws are not out-laws. At times, immature
spouses resent any attention their partner pays to his in-laws.
This is childish. One cannot be attached to a family during the
first twenty or more years of one's life and then suddenly start
to act as if this attachment did not exist. You must grow up to a
mature relationship with your in-laws. Accept them as they are.
Decide together how much help and advice you will receive from
them. Don't make the mistake of working out some mathematical
formula for visiting them so that you find yourselves committed
to visiting his parents on the first Sunday of the month and hers
on the third. When you marry, you are presumed to have grown up.
You can show proper love and respect for your parents without
being chained to them. This is a process which must be worked out
with understanding, patience, and love.
Your Social Life
Sixth, there is the area of friendships and entertainment. The
circumstances of marriage and the passing of time will take care
of many of your former friendships. On the other hand, there
should be no resentment shown if each partner retains some
friendships which are of little interest to the other. The impor-
tant point is that you start acting as a couple in acquiring new
friendships and in seeking entertainment together.
Some couples can "work" together, but cannot "play" together.
Work and play are equally a part of life, and there is something
seriously wrong with a couple's relationships if they don't enjoy
doing things together. Many successful married couples make it a
point to go out together at least once a week. Perhaps it is only
for a movie, a drive, or a meal, but they do it together each
week lest the busy rush of making a living and raising a family
should cause them to forget how to enjoy being together as a
couple.
Your Rough Edges
Seventh, there is the area of personal traits and peculiarities.
No two people are entirely alike--thank God! However, some of you
may have acquired little peculiarities and traits which are not
exactly assets in family life. Some of these will disappear in
the process of intimate living together. Some will be carried to
the grave. In general, each should try to eliminate in himself
what is reasonably displeasing to the other This is a personal
obligation which is not excused by laziness or stubbornness. On
the other hand, don't try to remake your partner! You both must
undergo the gradual process of "domestication."
From the viewpoints of personal character development and
sanctification, this is one of the great goods of marriage. By
its very nature, successful family life requires a high degree of
unselfishness. This is to say, you cannot seek to have your own
way and simply "let yourself go" as you can when you are single.
In marriage, love prompts you to think of the desires and needs
of your partner. You learn to suppress your petty
self-centeredness, your childish habit of thinking primarily of
self. Love for your partner and your children take you "out of
yourself," thus teaching you the first principle in striving for
perfection, which means that you seek the good and happiness of
others rather than your own. In this way, successful marriage be-
comes, in a very real sense, a true school of Christian
perfection.
Reality Vs. Fiction
Finally, there is the area of what we call the "facts of life."
By this we mean that you must grow up and accept life as it is.
There should be little need to stress this point, but in a
society which places such great emphasis on activity and leaves
such little time for taking an over-all view of anything, many
people find it difficult to face up to the realities of their
situation in life. When you were children, you cried when a
contemplated picnic or day's outing in the country had to be
called off because of rain. As you grew up, you learned that the
weather was quite beyond your control, and you learned to accept
such things without tears There are many things in life which,
like the weather, are pretty much beyond our control. They result
from the very nature of things and must be accepted accordingly.
Only a childish person refuses to take a realistic view of them.
Monotony
For example, there is a degree of monotony in every way of life.
Marriage is no exception. The routine tasks of making a living,
keeping house, raising children, and so on, are bound to involve
some monotony at times. One day looks very much like the next. In
marriage, this monotony is overcome by companionship and love,
but it should surprise no one that there are periods when going
to work, washing dishes, preparing meals, and so forth, appear
routine, unexciting, and utterly glamorless. Yet these are the
basic things of which life is made.
Most Roses Have Thorns
Second, every manner of life includes its specific burdens.
Marriage, as a procreative union, implies childbearing and child
rearing. The very nature of your love as man and woman impels you
to seek complete union, and if God blesses you, this union will
be productive. This fact is so obvious that we hesitate to
mention it. Nevertheless, the true nature of love between man and
woman has become so confused in our society that many couples
resent the task of childbearing and child rearing as an
imposition on their happiness.
Children are not something added to married love nor are they
merely to be accepted if they happen to be conceived. Children
are the fruit of married love. They are one of the primary "good
things" which marriage makes possible. No one will deny that
childbearing involves discomfort and unselfishness or that child
rearing involves sacrifice and labor. But to seek happiness in
your married love without desiring the normal fruit of that love,
is to ask something from love which it cannot give. You cannot
escape the "facts of life." Unfortunately, you can deceive your-
selves during the early years of marriage; but remember, marriage
is for life.
The Grass Always Looks Greener...
Third, because of the occupational structure of our society, the
social, or better, the socio-economic position of your family
will depend primarily on the occupational status of the husband.
In general, what this status will be is fairly evident at
marriage. It depends on the ability, education, and previous
training of the husband. Now the point we wish to make is this,
since your future occupational status and consequently, the
future social position of your family, is fairly clear at
marriage, a little realism and common sense should induce you to
accept this later on. In other words, when you enter marriage
with this particular person, you are contracting to spend your
life in the social position which he is able to achieve--and this
is fairly evident at the time of marriage.
Unfortunately, particularly in the case of some wives, this
obvious point is overlooked. Since they become dissatisfied with
their social position and the income that their husband is
making, they put pressure on him to change his job or to advance
more rapidly in his career. This obvious frustration in their
wives causes some men to lose confidence in themselves; some turn
to drink or "outside" entertainment; some are tempted to advance
or make money at any cost. At times, the frustrated wife
by-passes the obligations of motherhood and takes a job in order
to raise the social position of the family.
Now this implies a tragic lack of realism, a failure to face the
facts of life. As we have said, the occupational possibilities of
your partner are pretty well known at marriage. You marry him as
he is, knowing that in marriage you are joining your life with
his. If you love him enough to marry him, you must accept him as
he is, not as you would like to have him be. Your job is to
encourage, stimulate, and motivate him in his work, curbing your
aspirations in accord with his ability and building your
happiness lovingly upon what you have.
Freedom
Finally, every way of life implies some loss of freedom. Your
marriage vocation represents a choice, and every choice involves
the surrender of other possibilities. The monotony, the
shouldering of specific marriage burdens, and the acceptance of a
definite socioeconomic position for your family are all related
to this loss of freedom. When you choose marriage, you are
clearly choosing the framework of relationships, activities, and
life scope within which you can expect to find happiness.
It is an old saying but true which states: "You cannot have your
cake and eat it at the same time." You cannot have the
companionship, security, happiness, and joys of marriage without
surrendering much of the freedom which you enjoy while you are
single. You are entering marriage because you feel it has more to
offer for your mature development. Be realistic. Accept the facts
of life, and you will find happiness and growth.
Chapter V: THE MARRIAGE ACT
WE HAVE seen the marriage contract is defined as "a legitimate
agreement between a man and woman conferring the mutual,
exclusive, and perpetual right both to acts which are of their
very nature proper for begetting offspring, and to the sharing of
life together." In other words, when you give your consent in the
marriage service, you give and accept a perpetual and exclusive
right over the body, for acts which are of themselves suitable
for the generation of children. Your marriage, therefore, is the
union or society which you and your partner establish for the
purpose of generating and educating offspring and for mutual aid
and companionship.
What Did God Intend?
In the last chapter we discussed some of the conditions and
characteristics of your life together in marriage. We noted that
one of the important areas calling for adjustment and adaptation
was intimate marital relations. It is the purpose of this chapter
to discuss these essential relations in the context of a
successful marriage. Since they constitute the object of the
marriage contract, it is important to understand them from the
Christian point of view. Happiness and success in marriage can
result only from the fulfillment of God's plan in establishing
marriage. We want to know, therefore, what God intended when He
created man "male and female," and blessed marriage as the union
of "two in one flesh," saying, "increase and multiply."
The Physical Basis Of The Act
Our brief discussion of human nature pointed out that the
specific difference between man and woman consists in the
possession of complementary generative systems which gives them a
different relationship to the reproduction of the species. In
other words, it is clear from a consideration of the constitution
of men and women that they are prepared to cooperate with the
Creator in the production of new life. They possess internal
organs for the preparation of the principles of life, external
organs for the union of these principles, and in the female body
is provided a protective environment in which new life can grow
and develop until it is capable of surviving by itself.
At the same time, experience teaches us that men and women are
endowed with a powerful drive which strongly impels them toward
companionship and married life. We call the internal and external
organs, together with the act by which they function, generative.
This does not mean that generation necessarily follows every act
of sexual union. However, the nature of the organs are such that
their essential purpose is reproduction, and this can and does
follow their use.
The Special Nature Of The Act
It is to be noted that the highly unique character of the sexual
act derives primarily from two sources. First, it is the act
which the Creator has ordained for the propagation of the
species. Second, the fruitful exercise of this act requires the
special cooperation of God, the Author of each new life. For this
reason, the reproductive organs and their use are clothed with a
sacred character. The virtue of modesty prudently guards against
their illicit excitation; the virtue of chastity regulates their
use; while their misuse constitutes serious sin.
Primary Purpose Is Not Pleasure
It follows that the reproductive organs have been entrusted to
man not primarily for his pleasure, but for the good of the
species. Although the immediate result of sexual union is
physical release, a temporary lessening of the sexual drive, and
a sense of intimate union between the partners, these are
accompanying effects of the act and not the primary purpose of
the generative organs. Just as cessation of hunger and a feeling
of well-being follow the act of eating, it is quite clear that
the primary function of food is not to give pleasure in eating.
In normal, healthy persons, both the eating of food and the
exercise of the sexual act are accompanied by pleasure, but only
the childishly immature person would confuse this pleasure with
the essential purposes of these acts.
Summary
Therefore, God Himself is the Creator of the specific differences
between the sexes. He is the Author of the powerful drive which
leads them to unite. He has decreed the necessity of their sexual
union for the propagation of the race. Finally, He has made them
capable of enjoying the pleasure associated with their union.
Hence nothing in the sexual life of man is evil in itself, for it
represents a divine work. When evil occurs, it results from using
one's sexual powers contrary to the divine plan. In the realm of
sexuality, as in all areas of his conscious activity, man must
realize the order of reason, that is, he must use things
according to the purpose for which God created them.
With these general principles in mind, let us turn our attention
to the qualities and characteristics of the marital act in
itself. Because our society has grown so confused about this
whole matter, a few preliminary observations are in place.
Sexual Behavior Must Be Learned
First, since man is a rational animal, his sexual behavior is
learned, not merely instinctive. In animals, the sexual drive
appears as a powerful, unrestrained reproductive force. In man,
the possession of creative intelligence, reason, and memory
completely alters the character of this drive. Further, as a
social being, man learns standardized patterns of conduct in re-
gard to matters pertaining to sex. The meaning he attributes to
his reproductive powers, as well as his definition of how they
are to be used, will depend, therefore, on his previous training
in the family and in society and on his ability to reason
logically.
Adjustment Is Not Automatic
Two practical consequences for your successful marriage follow
from this fact. First, satisfactory adjustment in marital
relations is not automatic or instinctive. It must be learned and
acquired through experience. This demands patience, tact, and
cooperation. In the second place, since you interpret and read
meanings into things, ordinarily in terms of past experience and
training, your present attitudes toward the generative organs and
their use are of paramount importance for marital adjustment. If
you are accustomed to look upon sexual phenomena as bad, nasty,
animal, carnal, or "unladylike," the mere knowledge that sexual
union in marriage is not sinful will not enable you to make a
good adjustment in marriage. You must modify your attitudes,
realizing that they have been based on a false and unchristian
view of sex.
False attitudes toward sex can present very serious hindrances to
successful marital union precisely because they are deeply
ingrained in one's character and are frequently not recognized
for what they are. It is commonly assumed that to tell young
couples before marriage that marital relations and the actions
associated with them are not sinful, will settle all their
difficulties. This position ignores profound psychological
factors in human action. If the couple's attitudes toward sex are
false or perverted, no mere assurance that marital relations are
not sinful will help them toward successful adjustment. They need
to rethink their attitudes in terms of Christian principles.
Attitudes Vs. Techniques
The second observation is closely related to the first. The
creation of successful marital relations depends primarily on
proper motivation and attitudes rather than upon knowledge of the
intricacies of sexual biology. Many modern marriage manuals are
designed on the assumption that teaching people the detailed
facts of biology and the "techniques" of intercourse will make
them sexually "compatible" in marriage. This would be true if man
were an animal; but then, if man were only an animal, he would
operate on instinct and would not require printed instructions on
how to proceed!
One does not have to master a series of diagrams on the
reproductive system or memorize the names of the various organs
and nerves involved in sexual union in order to work out
satisfactory marital relations. Such knowledge may satisfy the
curiosity of some and feed the sophistication of others, but it
is not essential. Most persons old enough to enter marriage in
our society already know the biological rudiments necessary for
successful sexual relations. On the other hand, many of them lack
mature Christian attitudes toward sex so that no amount of
factual knowledge will prove of much assistance.
A Union Of Persons
Third, the sexual act is by its very nature a social act. It
involves another person as a person, not as a thing, that is, not
as a mere "sexual object." By this we mean that the sexual act,
for its completeness and integrity, demands the cooperation of
two persons who mutually give themselves to each other in the
act. When this mutual giving is lacking, there may be sexual
release and selfish satisfaction but the completeness of the act
is wanting.
For this reason, satisfactory marital relations (and sexual
relations can be truly satisfactory only in marriage) always
appear as the culminating act of love between spouses. When
people are in love, they wish to share what they have with each
other. In the marriage act, husband and wife share their quality
of manliness and womanliness with each other. When people are in
love, they desire to be near each other--they seek communion with
the one they love. In the marriage act, husband and wife, through
their specific complementarity as man and woman, are united in a
unique, unparalleled communion. As the Bible tells us: "They
shall be two in one flesh."
Selfish Exploitation Vs. Shared Love
We have stressed the necessity for mutual sharing and loving
cooperation in the marriage act because a perverted, actually
pagan attitude toward the function of sex tends to hinder
adjustment in this area. When the marriage act is regarded
primarily as a personal privilege or a duty rather than as a
unifying act of love, husbands tend to seek intercourse chiefly
for their own satisfaction, and wives tend to submit more or less
passively because they feel it is their duty. Under these
circumstances, the act of the husband becomes selfish
exploitation, and the act of the wife is deprived of dignity.
This is a perversion of the Christian view.
To be specific, the sexual act loses its significance as a
unifying act of love when it is performed merely for one's
personal satisfaction. In performing the marriage act, husband
and wife must never seek primarily their own personal enjoyment,
but they must seek to give pleasure to their partner. Short of
this, the act becomes merely selfish pleasure-seeking or the drab
performance of duty. Some husbands assume that the marriage
contract gives them the right to seek sexual pleasure whenever
they personally desire it. Unfortunately, some wives support this
selfish attitude by their more or less passive cooperation based
on the false assumption that "men are like that," and women
should administer to their needs.
This selfish, undignified view is not Christian. The marital act
is a human act. By its very nature, it is a unifying act of
intimate communion. God has endowed male and female with mutually
complementary generative organs and a sensory system capable of
producing pleasure in their use. Although self-centered pleasure
may be obtained through their use either in masturbation or
selfish exploitation in intercourse, this is obviously a
perversion of their purpose. Since by their very nature they are
complementary, and by their purpose they are meant for the good
of the species, not even in the marital act are they to be used
primarily for the personal pleasure of one of the partners.
Paradoxically, in the marriage act, as in all acts of love, the
more one seeks the good of the beloved, the greater satisfaction
one receives in return.
Male And Female Differences Again
One final observation: there are considerable male and female
differences concerning sexual stimulus and response. This fact is
rather widely recognized in all societies. The elements of
aggressiveness and strength which are usually related to the
initiation of sexual activity are characteristic of the male. It
is generally assumed that he will take the initiative in the
dating and courtship process, in the marriage proposal, and in
the first performance of the marital act. It is the role of the
female to stimulate, excite, allure, and attract. Throughout
marriage, however, either husband or wife should feel free to
take the initial steps leading to marital relations.
Scientists offer some evidence that the differences between male
and female may be related to the action of the male hormone.
Whether or not this is true, the fact remains that sexual
aggressiveness in the male is associated with a marked degree of
susceptibility to physical and psychical stimuli. Particularly
among normal, healthy young men, the reproductive drive is so
active that even relatively slight stimuli are capable of
arousing conscious reaction and thus lead to the development of a
whole series of sexual responses. This susceptibility to stimuli
is less conspicuous in the unmarried woman. Ordinarily she is
much less aroused by what she reads, sees, or hears, although all
normal women appear sensitive to physical contact.
Differences Within The Same Sex
This observation on male and female differences concerning sexual
stimulus and response is a broad, commonly recognized
generalization. What is more important from the viewpoint of
marriage adjustment is that individuals within each sex differ
greatly in this regard. All men are not alike, or all women. Fur-
ther, susceptibility to stimulus will vary in each individual in
relation to age, health, fatigue, and general emotional tone.
Consequently, you must attempt to understand each other's desires
and needs. If you truly love each other, you will adjust and
adapt to each other in this regard.
Ideal adjustment, therefore, will be learned through experience.
You should not hesitate to discuss your feelings, your likes and
dislikes. The marriage act is a human act and must be treated
accordingly. Much misunderstanding and selfishness could be
avoided if married couples would drop their false prudery and be
frank in dealing with each other in this essential relationship.
False "Facts"
These observations have been presented to clear away some of the
confusion and erroneous attitudes which young couples frequently
bring into marriage. If your attitudes toward the function of sex
are truly Christian and you are in love, the achievement of
satisfactory sexual relations in marriage should present few
difficulties. In this area, as in so many others, the American
public has been treated to excessive doses of "scare" literature.
We are told that between 50 and 75 per cent of married women are
frigid (how is this known?); that sexual compatibility in
marriage is rare (what is meant by compatibility here?); that up
to the present, the majority of married women have been martyrs
and the majority of married men have been ignorant (where is the
evidence for this?), and so on.
It is well to remember that as far as anybody knows, men and
women had been having relatively satisfactory sexual relations
for thousands of years before the world was blessed with the
modern "marriage experts." Common sense should tell us that one
does not have to master all the erotic literature of the Orient
nor the numerous treatises on the "art of love" of the pagan West
in order to achieve success in an action as normal and natural as
intercourse.
Modern Stress On Techniques Stems From Materialistic Views
As a matter of fact, this insistence on the knowledge of sexual
biology and the "techniques" of sexual arousal is based on the
assumption that man is merely a highly developed animal so that
the most important element in sexual relations is the sensual
pleasure which they produce. Consequently, every possible source
of sexual excitation and titillation has been explored. The
impression is given that all these possibilities must be
exploited to the utmost each time marital relations take place.
This attitude is like that of the gourmand who fastidiously
studies and plans each meal in order to get the fullest possible
sensual enjoyment out of eating. Normal, healthy people like to
enjoy their meals. They don't feel they are the most important
thing in life. Normal, happy marriage partners like to enjoy
marital relations. They will tell you that the sensual pleasure
which results from them is an essential but minor element in
their happiness. In fact, unless these relations represent a
mutual demonstration of love, they become meaningless and even
distasteful.
Various Aspects Of The Act
The marriage act is relatively complex. First, it may be
considered as the normal expression of the reproductive drive.
Second, its specifically generative or reproductive character may
be considered. Third, it may be viewed as a special unifying act
of love between the spouses. It will be helpful for purposes of
analysis, therefore, to consider it under these various aspects.
Although it is an act which involves bodily organs, we must
always keep carefully in mind that it is a human act, that is, an
act of the person, not a merely corporal or bodily act--an act of
the "flesh" as it is sometimes described so graphically. Man is a
unity of body and soul--he never acts as a pure animal or as a
pure spirit.
The Normal Expression Of A Basic Drive
First, the marriage act may be considered as the normal
expression of the sexual drive in men and women. Viewed under
this aspect, actual marital union represents the final stage or
culminating act of the process of sexual excitation and arousal.
Sexual excitement is a complex phenomenon. It differs in men and
women as well as in individuals. It includes both physical and
emotional elements.
Briefly, in both men and women there exist definite erogenous
(sexually sensitive) zones. These involve the external
reproductive organs themselves and some other parts of the body.
Stimulation of these areas by caressing, fondling, or other forms
of contact produces physical and emotional responses of a sexual
nature. These responses are characterized by increased sexual
sensitivity, a narrowing or concentration of attention on this
action, and a marked increase of tension.
At the same time, the reproductive organs undergo definite
changes preparing them for the marital act. In both men and women
the external sexual organs contain erectile tissues. Through a
reflex response to stimulation, blood inflates these tissues
causing them to become firm, thus rendering these organs capable
of fulfilling their function in physical union. Likewise, various
glands in the reproductive organs begin producing an abundance of
lubricating secretions which fulfill the dual purpose of
neutralizing any acids which may exist in the generative tract
and facilitating the union of the organs in the act.
The Curve Of Excitation
Hence, once the process of sexual excitation has been started,
the entire system is set in motion in preparation for the final
act of union. Under these circumstances, sexual excitement tends
to follow a normal curve of progressive stimulation and tension
which finally seeks immediate release in physical union. Since
this curve of excitement develops at a different rate in
different individuals, usually progressing more rapidly in the
husband, this represents an important area of adjustment between
marriage partners. In the same connection, because progressive
excitement requires time, the importance of preparatory acts of
affection becomes clear.
The Problem Of Position
Some marriage manuals go into long descriptions concerning the
various positions which may be assumed in the act. About the only
purpose such descriptions serve is to excite the curiosity of
immature readers. Because everything associated with sexual
relations has come in for generous treatment at one time or
another in the world's literature, modern writers interested in
the subject find little difficulty in digging up odd bits of
information. However, the detailed description of various
procedures gleaned from the erotic literature of the world
represents little more than a shallow preoccupation with a highly
suggestive subject. If a couple have the right attitude toward
the function of sex and are mutually considerate of each other,
they will be able to discover the position which is most
satisfactory to both under the circumstances.
The Climax
During the performance of the marital act, physical and emotional
tension builds up to a high point and is then suddenly released
in what is called the climax or orgasm. At this time, seminal
fluid from the male is deposited in the female genital tract.
This is the primary purpose of the act. The preceding emotional
and physical build-up is designed to make this possible. The
immediate release of tension indicates that this primary purpose
has been achieved. Throughout the act, husbands and wives display
characteristic differences in stimulation, tension, and response.
Individuals within each sex also react differently. The pattern
of final climax among wives in particular admits of considerable
variation, being fairly evident at times, and at others,
appearing to be scarcely perceptible.
The Problem Of "Frigidity"
A great deal has been written on the subject of the average
American wife's so-called frigidity or lack of sexual response.
Because she is not the primary, active agent, it is possible for
the marital act to take place without the wife reaching climax.
This may result from fatigue, from her inhibitions concerning the
act, from lack of preparation, or from the fact that her
husband's curve of excitation progresses so much more rapidly
than her own. Unfortunately, the popular literature dealing with
this subject contains much that is confusing, misleading, or
simply erroneous.
Lack Of Representative Data
First, we have little reliable data on the percentage of married
women who normally experience climax or orgasm in the marital
act. Hence, when psychiatrists and others inform the public that
50 or 75 per cent of American wives are frigid, they are making
statements which have little reliable scientific foundation.
Widespread Differences In External Reactions
Second, there is little agreement concerning what constitutes
female climax or orgasm in the marital act. From the viewpoint of
marital adjustment, it would seem that if the act results in
release of tension, relaxation, and a sense of well-being and
unity with the mate, it fulfills at least the minimum requisites
for satisfaction. Apparently, some women never display violent
physical and emotional response; some desire it only at times and
find it too exhausting at others; some always enjoy a marked
response; and a very limited number, for one reason or another,
appear simply incapable of responding.
Unfortunately, many "experts" ignore these normal and expected
differences. They advocate an ideal of violent physical and
emotional response which leaves many wives feeling frustrated or,
what is worse, "inadequate." Husbands frequently read the same
literature. They also are made to feel "inadequate" because they
feel that it is somehow their fault if their wives do not
experience the expected ideal.
The Modern Ideal Vs. The Facts Of Life
Third, although it would appear ideal to have marriage partners
reach their climax at practically the same moment, a realistic
consideration of male and female differences, as well as of
individual variations within the same sex, would lead us to
conclude that this ideal consummation may be difficult, if not
impossible to achieve in a good many cases. It is true that
through the exercise of self-control, generous mutual
cooperation, and the use of suitable techniques during the
initial stages of the act the excitation curve of husband and
wife can be regulated to a considerable degree. Clearly, this is
an area where true love can well be demonstrated because such
conscious regulation calls for mutual understanding, patience,
and tact.
Nevertheless, if available research data are trustworthy, the
speed with which the average male reaches climax leads one to
conclude that his partner will frequently not achieve climax
simultaneously. In other words, the specific act of intercourse
in itself may not automatically produce simultaneous climax in
the partner. It follows that marriage partners must learn from
experience the amount of preparatory stimulation which they
require. Obviously, both partners should receive the emotional
and physical release which nature has designed as the immediate
result of marital union.
Finally, marriage partners should not hesitate to consult their
physician if they encounter any difficulties in achieving
adjustment in this area. Some couples foolishly ignore this
competent source of information and further complicate their
problems by pouring over the popular literature available in this
field. Likewise, if any questions concerning the moral aspects of
the act happen to arise, couples should feel free to consult
their spiritual directors or confessors. They are trained to deal
with moral problems and expect to be consulted when doubts arise.
A second aspect under which the marriage act may be considered is
its generative or reproductive character. From the very nature of
the organs involved, this is the special, distinguishing quality
of the act--it is apt for generation. This does not mean that
conception necessarily follows the performance of the act. It
does signify that an action has been performed from which
generation can and does result.
By its very nature, married love is directed both inward to the
couple and, beyond them, to their extension in the child. This
dual focus of married love is so normal that it receives little
attention, yet we here touch a profound truth of nature. As
masculine and feminine persons, husband and wife find essential
fulfillment in the child. This process is worth some
consideration.
In the marital act, the husband is creative in giving his
germinal substance to the partner he loves. She cherishes and
nourishes this extension of her spouse, and while he cares for
her during the gestation period, she experiences within herself a
unique creativity and fulfillment. Because she loves her husband,
she yearns to give him this child to share with her. Although
eager to nurture and care for this child as only she can do, she
does not use this as a claim to sole possession. Rather, her urge
to love is fulfilled by returning what she has received. In this
manner both partners share in the creative process of parenthood,
though differently according to their sex.
The further implications of this reproductive aspect of the
marital act may be stated briefly as follows. In the marriage
contract, spouses give and accept a perpetual and exclusive right
over the body, for acts which are of themselves suitable for the
generation of children. Marriage partners are free to work out a
mutual agreement concerning when and how often they desire to
exercise this right. However, when they do make use of this
right, they must not interfere with the natural procreative
process which they initiate in the marriage act. This means that
they may not place any obstacle which restricts or hinders the
normal physiological process of procreation. In other words, they
must avoid all deliberate acts (the use of contraceptives) which
are aimed directly at hindering the generative character of the
marital act.
Sterility And The Use Of The Marital Act
Whether generation follows the act is not theirs to decide.
Furthermore, as long as they perform the act in accordance with
its nature, they may have marital relations even when they know
that generation will not or may not follow. They are not acting
unreasonably or contrary to right order in doing so since the
marriage act possesses subordinate effects such as fostering
mutual love and the release of tension which may fully justify
its use. It follows that to perform the marriage act when one of
the partners is sterile, either temporarily or permanently, is
not a deviation from the Creator's plan, and hence is not sinful.
Under these circumstances, the spouses respect the natural
procreative process of the conjugal act. The fact that
procreation does not follow is quite beyond their control.
The Moral Evil Of Contraceptives
It is well to note that the use of contraceptives is sinful not
only because the Pope or Church says so. Furthermore, the
essential and primary evil of the use of contraceptives is not
that they may hinder a possible conception. This may or may not
follow the conjugal act and is independent of the will of man.
The evil of the use of contraceptives consists essentially in its
deviation from right order, that is, from the divine plan. God
has endowed men and women with the unique and noble faculty of
procreation not primarily for their own pleasure, but for the
good of the species. Since the generative faculties deal with
life, and God alone has dominion over life, marriage partners
usurp dominion which they do not possess when they frustrate the
natural process of procreation by the use of contraceptives.
The Marriage Act As an Expression Of Love
Third, the marriage act may be considered as a special, unifying
act of love between spouses. Through it, they become two in one
flesh. As such, it represents the mutual sharing and giving of
self, not primarily for the purpose of seeking personal pleasure,
but because it is characteristic of lovers to desire to be united
and to share what they have in order to please each other. For
this reason, satisfactory marital relations have a stabilizing
and solidifying effect in marriage. They represent an important
area of intimate, shared experience, a broad area for the
manifestation of tenderness, thoughtful considerateness, and
unselfishness.
Two False Attitudes
It should be obvious that the marital act will not be seen as a
manifestation of love if either spouse has a false attitude
toward the function of sex. It is precisely in this connection
that we can perceive the far-reaching, evil consequences of two
opposite, though equally erroneous attitudes. One regards the
reproductive organs as primarily a source of personal grat-
ification. The other considers their use as something "animal,"
"nasty," or at best, a necessary concession to human weakness.
Both deprive the marriage act of its dignity and human quality.
As a result, it is not treated as a manifestation of love, or are
the virtues of restraint, self-control, unselfishness, and
generous considerateness associated with its use. When we deprive
an act of its dignity, we deprive it of its capacity to serve as
an instrument of our perfection in the service of God.
Summary
The marital act can be considered under various aspects. It is
the normal expression of the reproductive drive. It is
essentially a generative act. It is a manifestation of love
between spouses. All of these aspects are closely related. To
overlook any of them is to deviate from the divine purpose
manifested in revelation. "Male and female He created them: and
God blessed them, saying: Increase and multiply" (Gen., 1/2 sq.).
In other words, the drive for physical pleasure becomes rightly
ordered in marriage. Besides the restrictions and limitations it
undergoes because of the demands of mutual service, its directly
sexual aspect is brought under the order of reason and
consequently, into the service of God. As a manifestation of
love, the conjugal act is necessarily freed from selfishness. As
the fulfillment of a divine command in the sacramental state, it
becomes an act of religion. Thus, in marriage the expression of
the sexual impulse is elevated by love and achieves its purpose
as a means of personal perfection.
Chapter VI: SOME SPECIAL PROBLEMS
YOUNG couples entering marriage are sometimes upset by needless
fears and apprehensions. Particularly if they have an active
imagination or are the type that worry, the bits of information
they have gathered through reading, conversation and hearsay may
leave them with a highly distorted picture of reality. As Artemus
Ward once remarked in another connection, "It ain't so much the
things we don't know that get us in troubles. It's the things we
know that ain't so." Consequently, we have added this chapter to
correct some of the common misapprehensions and misunderstandings
which experience reveals are more or less prevalent.
The Sexually "Unawakened"
In a society which makes so much of "sex," some girls approaching
marriage worry because they have never experienced anything which
they recognize as conscious sexual desire. They know that this
exists in others, but they have never personally felt any such
urge. They love their fiancees, enjoy the routine displays of
affection, but beyond this generalized type of sexual experience,
they are conscious of no specific urge to be intimate. Indeed,
listening to the conversation of others, they conclude that they
must be undersexed, a little abnormal, and perhaps not prepared
for marriage.
There need be no cause for worry here. Providing they have no
special fears, aversions, or inhibitions concerning the function
of sex, they may be considered neither abnormal nor undersexed.
They are simply "unawakened." Some females experience slight
sexual desire until after they have been "awakened" through
actual experience in marriage. Individuals differ greatly in
their response patterns. As long as girls have a Christian view
toward the function of sex in themselves and in their partners,
they need not worry about the development of response in
marriage. They will experience no difficulty, providing they do
not cherish their unawakened condition as the more "ladylike"
ideal.
Some Evil Advice
It may not be out of place here to take note of a completely
erroneous and misleading view gaining prominence in popular
literature. Young people are being told, or at least, it is being
rather obviously suggested, that if they desire satisfactory
sexual relations in marriage, they must prepare themselves by
engaging in various types of premarital "experience." This does
not include intercourse--of course (?). However, what is commonly
called "heavy petting" is advised on the hypothesis that response
to sexual stimuli must be aroused early, particularly in the
young female, lest she remain "frigid" in marriage.
Not only is such instruction repugnant to Christian morals, but
it is physically and psychologically harmful. As we have seen,
"heavy petting" is one of the preparatory stages in the process
of sexual union. Consequently, when this process is initiated
through premarital petting, the physical and psychic build-up
preparatory to intercourse necessarily occurs. In some cases, the
couple may not be able to restrain themselves and will go "all
the way." If they stop the process short of its normal
conclusion, they will remain tense and frustrated. If this action
is repeated throughout the dating and courtship period (as the
modern "experts" recommend), this repeated frustration may give
rise to a psychological "block" in marriage. In other words,
there will be a tendency to repeat the premarital pattern rather
than to have the curve of excitation rise to its normal
conclusion in marital union.
The Problem Of Modesty
Second, some couples worry about what might be termed modesty. In
general, men are less bothered in this regard since previous
training and natural disposition tend to make them more or less
"exhibitionist." Brides-to-be sometimes worry: Am I expected to
undress in front of him? Must we keep the lights on? Am I to show
ardor or remain passive? etc.
These are real problems but they are scarcely insurmountable for
a couple in love. For example, there is no reason why the
introduction to married intimacy cannot be gradual. If there is
mutual respect and understanding, the average couple should
possess sufficient ingenuity to manage the process of undressing
in relative privacy--even in a hotel there is always the
bathroom. Likewise, the matter of lighting, permitted degree of
bodily exposure, and so forth, should be worked out with due
consideration for the feelings of each. The early stage of
marriage is definitely a learning period. The restraints,
inhibitions, and sense of privacy acquired during previous years
cannot be brushed lightly aside on the wedding night--even if
this were desirable. Although neither crudeness nor schoolgirlish
prudery have any place in marriage, the intimacy of happy couples
is always characterized by mutual respect and delicacy.
Fears Concerning The Initial Act
Third, so much has been written about the importance of turning
in a good performance on the wedding night that many young
couples are unduly worried about initiating their first
experience. Husbands are warned that a mistake on their wedding
night can leave their wives forever disgusted or eternally
frigid. Wives are frightened by the prospect of being literally
raped by their selfishly passionate husbands. Common sense should
tell us that for normal couples in love, such fears are nonsense.
Although childish, neurotic females, as well as perverted,
psychotic males have managed to get themselves married, such
cases are relatively few. It is unscientific and grossly mis-
leading to apply conclusions derived from such unusual cases to
normal couples.
Points To Remember: The Act Is Natural
However, since these false ideas are current and do disturb some
young couples, a few observations seem in order. In the first
place, marital union is a normal, natural act which both male and
female are constitutionally prepared to perform adequately. The
average woman is not such a delicate, sensitive plant that the
slightest mistake in her initiation to the marital act will leave
her crippled for life. At the same time, the average young man in
love is not so carried away by desire that he acts like an
impassioned animal. Neither of these caricatures respond to
reality in our society.
Lack Of Skill Is To Be Expected
Further, it should be expected that a young couple who have led
chaste lives will display a certain degree of awkwardness and
clumsiness in their initial experiences. Only if the act were
purely instinctive, would this not be the case. As in acquiring
any skill or art such as dancing or driving a car, they must be
prepared to make mistakes. A newly married couple face the
problem of acquiring a new skill together. Past learning
experience in other areas should tell them that this requires
patience, analysis and correction of mistakes, a little humility,
a little humor, and a generous display of love.
Although there is a natural reticence which justly excludes
communication with outsiders, married couples should not hesitate
to discuss this topic between themselves. This will have the
advantage of diverting their attention from a purely selfish
interest in the act, and, at the same time, it will lay the
foundation for communication and understanding later in life. In
every marriage there will be times when refusal or lack of
response occur. Unless married people have learned to be frank
with each other, such actions may be misinterpreted as
selfishness or loss of love.
Expectations Should Be Moderate: This Is An Initial Experience
Finally, all this stress on the significance of the wedding
night, the necessity of using the "right" techniques, and the
importance of achieving simultaneous orgasm causes some anxious
young men to approach the nuptial bed with somewhat the same
apprehensions as a young surgeon tackling his first major opera-
tion. With the cunning of the serpent and the meekness of the
dove, they follow the directions of the marriage manuals step by
step. If the resulting action does not produce the exaggerated
response they have been led to expect, they are disappointed and
frustrated. Serious doubts arise concerning their own "adequacy"
and that of their spouse. It is inconceivable that a natural act
should prove this difficult. The average bride expects her
partner to show tenderness, consideration, and understanding. She
also hopes that she has married a man with some virility and
aggressiveness.
The Hymen
Fourth, because of old wives' tales and some of the current
descriptions in marriage manuals, the breaking of the hymen in
the initial marital act has assumed the proportions of a major
feat in surgery. In the female, the external opening of the
genital tract, that is, of the vagina, is partially closed by a
thin membrane called the hymen. There is considerable variation
concerning the extent, elasticity, and toughness of the hymenal
membrane. In some women the membrane has been stretched or broken
previous to marriage. This may occur by accident, activity in
sports, the use of the tampon type of menstrual protection, or
during a medical examination. Hence the condition of the hymen at
marriage is no definite indication of virginity or non-virginity.
If the membrane is intact, it will be stretched or torn slightly
during initial sexual union. This will be felt as a tension when
the male organ is pressed into the vaginal opening. In most
cases, the membrane stretches or breaks easily so that the only
sensation felt directly is the cessation of tension in the
tissue. At any rate, there is no question of splitting or burst-
ing the membrane as some seem to imagine. Limited bleeding may
occur in some cases, but this will not be accompanied by pain and
should be the cause of no worry.
Consequently, the exaggerated fear of pain which some brides
carry into marriage is utterly unfounded. In fact, this fear is
likely to be the cause of pain since it reacts on the muscles of
the genital organs, forcing them to contract, and thus rendering
intercourse difficult. Only in rare cases is it found that the
vaginal opening is so narrow, or the hymenal membrane so thick,
that relations are difficult. In this rare instance, a physician
should be consulted.
The Morality Of Associated Acts
Fifth, chaste young couples sometimes wonder about the morality
of actions preparatory to union. These actions are morally good
since they are part of the normal, preparatory process required
for satisfactory marital relations. Of course, the type of love
play employed should be acceptable to both. Experience should
teach what is mutually satisfying and productive of good
relations.
Some young husbands worry about reaching climax before union has
been achieved. There is no moral problem here as long as they
start out with the intention of consummating the act and are only
prevented from doing so by lack of experience or sudden loss of
control. During the beginning period of marriage, too early
ejaculation appears to be a fairly ordinary occurrence. As the
couple come to recognize and control the progress of their curve
of excitation, this problem ceases to exist.
In addition to actions preparatory to union, other manifestations
of affection are permitted even though they may lead to
considerable arousal and excitation. However, these actions must
not be continued to the point of producing climax outside of
union. Experience will be the best teacher here. At the same
time, it seems scarcely necessary to add that to intentionally
foster such excitation either by actions or thoughts appears
somewhat meaningless and unnecessarily frustrating. There are
other, less nervously exhausting ways of manifesting love.
Frequency
Sixth, some couples wonder about the optimum frequency for
marital relations. There is no general rule applicable to all
marriages. Happy married couples display wide differences. At the
same time, it should be obvious that frequency will vary during
different periods of marriage, as well as in relation to the
health and age of the spouses. The force of the sexual drive
appears highly variable even within the same individual so that
no mechanical regularity as to frequency can readily be
specified. This represents no problem for happy married couples
because they have learned to interpret each other's needs and de-
sires.
If you enter marriage with a mature, Christian attitude toward
the function of sex, you should be able to work out a mutually
satisfactory pattern of frequency with little difficulty. Marital
relations must always be considered in terms of personal dignity
and the total context of Christian marriage. The exercise of
self-control is all the more necessary here because the sexual
drive so readily impels toward excess. Remember, the marriage act
always remains subordinated to the primary purpose of marriage,
which is the generation and education of children. As an act of
love, it binds husband and wife together in the service of new
life. Hence, it is not an end in itself but a normal means
stimulating them in this service. In this matter, as in all
others, virtue consists in avoiding extremes. Neither rejection
of sexual pleasure nor uncontrolled satisfaction are Christian
ideals in marriage. Mature couples value sexual enjoyment. They
are careful to control it as a means placed at the service of
their personal perfection and the good of the family.
Couples sometimes wonder about the advisability of having marital
relations during the period when the wife is pregnant. If she is
enjoying normal health, there is no reason why such relations
should not be enjoyed up to within four or five weeks of
delivery. By this time she will probably be consulting her doctor
for routine check-ups, and his advice should be followed for the
remaining period. After delivery, four or five weeks should be
allowed to pass before relations are resumed. This period is
required for the reproductive organs to resume their normal shape
and vitality. Husbands must be considerate in this matter.
During these periods, as well as during any other periods when
temporary continency is desired, couples should use the knowledge
gained by past experience to avoid those actions which they know
will produce serious arousal and excitation. Some individuals
appear to lack all insight in this regard. Often this pretended
inability to avoid stimulation is little more than a convenient
cover-up for selfishness or outright refusal to practice
self-control.
Marriage "Rights"
Further, since the marriage contract involves the acceptance and
giving of definite rights, these should be clearly understood. In
marriage, each spouse has an equal right to marital relations and
an equal obligation to grant them when the partner makes a
reasonable request. This indicates that frequent or continued
refusal to have relations when the partner reasonably requests
them is seriously wrong since it is a violation of a sacramental
contract. On the other hand, unreasonable requests need not, and
often should not, be met. For example, if the husband is
partially drunk, if he refuses to support the family, if the wife
happens to be sick or highly fatigued, if she is in the final
stages of pregnancy or has recently delivered, and so forth, the
request may be judged unreasonable and may be refused.
Unfortunately, in modern society, a fear of pregnancy causes many
wives to sin seriously against their marriage vows. Of course
they use various rationalizations or excuses to justify their
actions. For example, they may insist that their health has been
impaired (their doctor may have told them to take a temporary
break); they are disgusted with sex (they fear the consequences
of sexual relations); their husband is over-sexed (this generally
means that he is a normal male and consequently desires normal
marital relations); and so on. Although love should be the
motivating force in all marriage relationships, a clear
understanding of the obligations in justice flowing from the
marriage contract will define the essential framework within
which domestic love must develop.
The First Pregnancy
Married life is not a static affair. It evolves from the intimate
two-in-oneness of early wedded love, through the turbulent years
of childbearing and child rearing, to the placid companionship of
old age. In this cycle, the coming of the first child marks per-
haps the period of greatest growth. Married love is naturally
creative. Your first pregnancy will usher you into the mature
status of parenthood. Only when you embrace your first child, the
fruit of your love as husband and wife, will you be able to
understand the wonder and significance of your marriage.
Hence, it seems almost incredible that some modern writers should
advise newly married couples to "postpone" their first pregnancy
until they are fully adjusted to each other. What can adjustment
mean if it is not adjustment to mature married life? Why should
couples be advised to merely play at being married when reality
offers so much happiness and growth? It is well to remark that a
good percentage of couples seeking divorce are childless. Can it
be that they failed in marriage because they missed its real
meaning?
A Final Word Of Advice
Because they are very much in love and wish to share all they
have, young couples are sometimes unwise in their confidences
with each other. They trustingly confess past mistakes and
recount past experiences. This is an unnecessary and even danger-
ous indiscretion. Let the dead past bury its dead. You love each
other for what you are as you now know each other. There is
nothing to be gained by making a "general confession." The best
of us are none too strong in overcoming jealousy and suspicion.
In particular, the confession of past errors and failures with
members of the opposite sex can sow the troublesome seeds of
later distrust. Why imperil your future happiness with this
possibility?
Conclusion
In conclusion, young couples should look forward to marriage with
confidence and assurance. There is little to be gained by
nervously poring over sex books on the art and techniques of
"love." Much of what the future holds in store for them can be
learned only through experience. And this experience will be
distinctive and unique, just as their love is distinctive and
unique--something truly their own.
Chapter VII: YOUR LIFE TOGETHER
IT IS customary in marriage manuals to add two notes at this
point. One is entitled, "What Every Man Should Know," and the
other, "What Every Woman Knows." Never having been particularly
impressed by the supposed special "intuitive" powers of the aver-
age female nor the assumed, routine ignorance of the average
male, I shall skip these notes. The normal couple should enter
marriage with the humble conviction that they both have a great
deal to learn. Life together offers a whole series of new
experiences. If you are unwilling to learn, you had best not
marry.
In the previous discussion, we have indicated some of the chief
areas in which your shared experience will take place. These
areas constitute the broad framework within which your love must
develop and mature. The happiness you are looking for will be
measured by your ability to work together in these various
relationships.
In this final chapter, let us take a brief look at your future
family life. What will your life together be like? Of course, it
includes an element of the unknown, as the future always does.
This was indicated on the day of your marriage profession when
you took each other "from this day forward, for better, for
worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until
death do us part." Some of what the future holds in store for
you, you cannot know, but you face it confidently because you
love each other and will face it together. On the other hand,
family life includes many elements which you can reasonably
foresee. Let us look at some of them.
Division Of Labor In The Family
In the first place, life together implies a division of labor. In
our society, it is assumed that the husband is the principal
breadwinner or means of support; the wife's role involves taking
care of the home and the children. As a rule, the normal husband
takes his role for granted--he is prepared for it through past
experience. Unfortunately, the modern wife is not always so well
prepared. Frequently she has been employed outside the home and
knows very little about cooking, serving meals, sewing and
mending, shopping for household needs, and so forth. These now
become her principal tasks. This is one of her contributions to
the home.
There is nothing to be gained by decrying the fact that many
modern girls learn few of these things before marriage. The
important point is that the normal female can learn--if she wants
to. It would have been easier if she had picked up this knowledge
in the process of growing up, but if she hasn't, her first ob-
ligation is to start learning at once. This is a practical
manifestation of love which she has no right to neglect. Although
nourishing, regular meals and a neat, well-kept household are not
the most important things in life, they furnish the fundamental,
material underpinning of normal family life. Brides might do well
to recall the old saying, "Kissn' don't last, but cookery do!"
Working Wives
This brings up the much disputed point of working wives. Of
course, in every society, wives have always worked, and worked
very hard. The modern problem is their employment outside the
home. This is a complex problem for which no ready answer can be
supplied. Changes in the social system have so modified the
functions of the household and the roles of women that past
patterns are no longer entirely applicable. A large percentage of
brides have been employed before marriage. They see no good
reason why they should not increase the family income by taking a
job after marriage. This is especially the case if the couple are
living in a rented apartment which demands little care on the
wife's part.
Working Brides
Should the young bride seek employment outside the home? We had
better review our basic principles before we try to answer this
question. First, it is the husband's legal and moral duty to
support his family. It is the wife's duty to take care of the
home and the domestic needs of her husband and children. Second,
this division of labor and responsibilities, initiated at the
very beginning of marriage, provides the soundest basis for
stable family relationships throughout life. The reason is that
the family's standard of living is geared to the husband's income
from the beginning, and both husband and wife start married life
by assuming the roles required by the very nature of the marriage
contract. Third, we must conclude that the employment of the wife
outside the home cannot be regarded as a normal situation.
In the light of these principles, let us rephrase our original
question as follows: Under what circumstances may the employment
of the bride outside the home be tolerated? It should be clear
that since her employment outside the home is not a normal mar-
ital situation, there must be justifying reasons for permitting
it. Some reasons might be that the couple had entered marriage
without any savings and were in debt for the purchase of
furniture, and so forth, or they had nothing saved up for future
contingencies such as hospital bills, or they were renting the
type of modern small apartment which occupies little of a
competent wife's time, and so on. Under these conditions, the
employment of the bride outside the home may be tolerated
providing the following conditions are fulfilled.
First, her husband agrees to it.
Second, they both agree that her employment is temporary, that
is, she will quit working if she is going to have a baby. In
other words, the employment of the bride should never be used as
an excuse for postponing the first pregnancy.
Third, employment outside the home should not be used as an
escape from domestic duties. Many brides would find that they
could make a better and more economic contribution to the home if
they worked intelligently at keeping house. Since they have not
been prepared to fulfill their domestic obligations in this
regard, however, they sometimes find an excuse from learning what
they should know about housekeeping by getting a job outside the
home.
Fourth, and this is most important for the future happiness of
the family, the wife's pay check should be used only for special
expenses such as furniture, down payment on a home, saving for
the necessary costs associated with having a baby, and so forth.
Under no circumstances should her pay check be pooled with that
of her husband's in order to raise the family's standard of
living. As a result, there will be no dislocation of the family
budget when the wife quits her job to remain home and rear her
family.
Young married couples must be honest enough to do a little
sincere thinking on this subject. There are so many things they
feel they need that they can easily be tempted to "prolong their
honeymoon" (to use a smooth saying of the birth controllers) and
to postpone having children until they feel they can "afford"
them. It is a tragic distortion of values which causes a husband
and wife to look upon children as a burden rather than as one of
the prime blessings of marriage. To enter marriage with the
calculated design of postponing their coming until you are ready,
prompts the unpleasant question: "Why did you get married? To
enjoy marital relations without accepting their consequences?"
"Working" Mothers
Short of dire and obvious necessity, there can be no
justification for mothers with young children to be employed
outside the home. Such necessity may arise through sickness,
accident, and so forth, but it must always be regarded as a
misfortune. Under such circumstances, parents must make every
effort to see that their children do not suffer seriously from
their absence in the home. This is a sacred obligation not
excused by the fact that they have to work.
Authority In The Family
Second, family life implies a division of authority. Although the
terms authority and obedience have become unpopular, the husband
still remains the head of the family. There has been so much talk
of the changing social position of the modern woman that we have
almost overlooked the modern man. Contrary to past ages, modern
discussion of male and female roles seems to follow the pattern
described by Fibber McGee. He recalls that he and his wife had
had words--only he had never been given a chance to use his!
The Nature Of Authority
In discussing the role of the father in the modern home, several
important points must be kept clearly in mind. In the first
place, we should have a well-defined concept of the nature of the
husband's headship of the family. According to Catholic teaching,
husband and wife are absolutely equal as persons. They enjoy
equal rights in what pertains to the marriage contract. However,
inasmuch as they are constituted by nature to fulfill different
roles in procreation, they will have different positions and
roles in the family. These differences are functional, that is,
they are interdependent in regard to childbearing and child
rearing. They do not imply inequality since they are not strictly
comparable.
The husband's headship, consequently, is functional, that is, it
must be defined in terms of the common good of the family unit.
This does not imply the wife's domination by the husband, but
indicates that both husband and wife have united to form a
special society in which their sexual interdependence gives them
different roles. The husband's headship, therefore, flows from
and is limited by his role as protector and provider of the
reproductive unit.
In this connection, it is well to recall that all human authority
is a social function, that is, it is a service. Hence, although
chief authority in the family belongs to the father, it is never
a privilege which he can use for his own interest. Since the
basis of the father's authority is the common good of the family,
his authority can never extend beyond the purpose for which it
has been established by God, namely, the good of the family.
The Source Of Authority
All legitimate authority comes from God. It follows that whenever
we grant one person authority over another, we must be careful to
show that the title to this authority comes from God. Further, it
follows that obedience to legitimate authority is not humiliating
or demeaning. Obedience also is a social function which leads to
God. Hence, to obey is an act which perfects man just as the act
of commanding does. In the family unit, both obedience and
authority are required by the good of the family. They are
likewise defined and limited by the demands of this good.
Finally, since all authority comes from God, and God is Love, all
authority exercised in His name will be characterized by love.
But love is the gift of self. In exercising authority in the
family, the husband is giving himself to the family according to
the qualities which God has given him as a man. Likewise, obedi-
ence is an act of love. In obeying her husband in the legitimate
exercise of his authority in the family, the wife is giving
herself to the family according to the qualities which God has
given her as a woman.
The Exercise Of Authority Under Modern Conditions
In the second place, we must understand the structure of the
modern family system within which the husband's headship is to be
exercised. The modern family system is characterized by its
emphasis on the small, conjugal unit rather than on the extended,
composite family group of blood and marriage relatives. In other
words, emphasis is placed on the unit made up of husband, wife,
and immature offspring rather than on the wider family group
composed of many conjugal units which mutually support each
other.
At the same time, changes in the occupational structure of
society have forced the husband to seek employment outside the
domestic unit, thus depriving the wife of partnership with him in
a common economic enterprise and narrowing the scope of their
shared activities and interests. As a result, the emotional
content of the remaining familiar relationships has been greatly
intensified. There is an increased need for companionship,
particularly on the part of the wife, and consequently, a greater
expectancy for oneness" in marriage.
As a result, the relationships of husband and wife have moved
toward greater equality. Furthermore, the husband's preoccupation
with his job outside the domestic unit has tended to separate him
from his wife in the task of educating and supervising the chil-
dren. It follows that the context within which the husband's
authority is exercised has been greatly modified. At the same
time, extra-familial activities tend to direct his energy and
interest away from active participation in the family circle.
We must conclude, therefore, that although the family, like any
other society, requires someone in authority, and the husband,
because of his function is naturally in a position to fulfill
this role, the exercise of authority will vary according to
different times and conditions. Modern happy married couples tend
to work out their problems together. Each contributes according
to ability and past experience. In this way it develops that the
modern mother makes most of the immediate decisions around the
home and the father makes the long range decisions and those per-
taining to activities outside the home. As companions in a common
enterprise, both should consult each other and mutually support
each other, particularly where the children are involved.
It Is The Good Of The Family Which Counts
Mature couples realize that what is really important is to work
for the best interests of the family unit. As the chief
breadwinner and provider, the husband has not only the authority,
but the serious obligation to plan for the long range welfare of
the family. When he takes this obligation seriously, wife and
children find little difficulty in looking up to him and showing
him obedience. Every normal woman is proud of the fact that she
has married a man who is capable of assuming responsibility. In
other words, the husband's headship follows naturally from his
function in the family.
Unfortunately, too many husbands become totally preoccupied with
their work or with outside activities and leave the entire task
of running the household and caring for the children to their
wives. Since the family must have a head, the wife is forced to
take over the exercise of authority which the husband refuses to
assume. The exercise of authority is a service a dedication to
the common good of the enterprise within which authority is
exercised. It is for this reason that the Pope entitles himself
"servus servorum," servant of the servants of God. There is lit-
tle point in decrying the husband's loss of authority in the
family as long as he insists on by-passing his obligations. When
he assumes his share in worrying about the budget, in planning
for the future, and in guiding, instructing, and disciplining his
children, there is little difficulty in getting his authority
recognized.
Your School Of Perfection
Third, family life is by its very nature a school of perfection.
Husbands and wives who cooperate generously in building a happy,
successful life together necessarily perfect themselves in the
process. Perfection consists in attaining the purpose or end for
which one was created. In this life, perfection is a progressive
affair. It consists in the steady enrichment of personality
through the development of all one's faculties and in the
practical carrying out of all the duties of one's state in life
in accordance with God's laws.
Unfortunately, because of the Fall, the restless heart of man,
though still seeking the Good for which it was created, is
constantly drawn aside to worship false gods. Through ignorance
or weakness, fallen man tends to concentrate his infinite craving
for the good on a finite object whether it be wealth, or power,
or fame, or sensual pleasure. St. John describes this disorderly
desire: "For all that is in the world is the concupiscence of the
flesh and the concupiscence of the eyes and the pride of life" (I
John, II, 16). St. Paul gives a graphic description of the
struggle which goes on in the average man: "I see another law in
my members, warring against the law of my mind and making me
prisoner to the law of sin that is in my members" (Romans, 7,
23).
How Married Life Sanctifies You
Christians have always recognized that the achievement of
perfection is no easy task. Family life is designed as a powerful
instrument to assist you in gaining perfection. In the first
place, it is founded on a sacramental contract which, as we have
indicated, gives you the right to the graces which you need to
accomplish your duties as husband and wife, father and mother.
Second, as parents you are cooperating with God not only in
procreation but in the noble task of nourishing, guiding, and
educating children. Parenthood by its very nature enriches your
personality. It causes you to grow in love, sympathy, and
understanding. It takes you away from narrow concern with self
and forces you to think of the good of others.
Third, married life is a life of mutual service and aid. You aid
each other through the division of labor in maintaining a home.
Your loving companionship produces numberless acts of support,
encouragement, and assistance. At the same time, as Christians,
your love and companionship is love and companionship in Christ
so that in all your actions together you motivate and help each
other in the progressively more perfect imitation of Christ.
Finally, by its very nature, your married life is a virtuous
remedy for concupiscence. This need not be taken merely in the
narrow sense that it offers a legitimate means for the exercise
of the sexual drive. Doubtless, this is important, but in all its
aspects, married life is a virtuous remedy. It offers you a defi-
nite, clearly defined pattern of life. The adjustments and
adaptations required by life together furnish an excellent
education in self-control, unselfishness, sympathy, tenderness,
and kindness. The responsibilities of parenthood deepen your
understanding of life and protect you from a shallow
preoccupation with self as you grow older. Above all, the sense
of being needed, of being loved, of making a worthwhile contribu-
tion to the happiness of those you love, gives a peace of soul
which strikes at the very roots of concupiscence in the restless
heart of man.
Conclusion
Thus is the divine plan fulfilled. Attraction between man and
woman leads to the desire for friendship. Friendship ripens into
love. Love leads to the desire for life companionship. Since this
companionship is founded on sexual complementarity, it
spontaneously establishes a unit characterized by intimacy,
fruitfulness, and division of labor. So all-embracing is this
union, both in its personal aspects and its responsibilities,
that reason and grace alike seal it with an indissoluble
sacramental bond. Further, the living out of this union not only
calls forth the finest virtues and potentialities in man and
woman, but in loving each other they develop and grow in their
love for God. Does not St. John teach us that it is through love
for one another that we rise to the love of God?
As the "I" and the "You" are united in the "We" through the
consummation of two-in-one flesh and the "We" is inserted in the
Mystical Body, husband and wife become absorbed in building up
the Body of Christ. Then their desire for full self-actualization
has order, their pursuit of happiness has significance, and their
search for perfection has a divinely planned route.
PRAYER FOR HUSBAND AND WIFE
Because we, husband and wife, are called to love one another as
Christ loves and is loved by His Church. + Because the life of
that Church, His Mystical Body, is nourished by the welfare, the
holiness of our Marriage. + Because our children, His tenderest
branches, are nourished likewise in that holiness. +
We seek Thy help, pledged at the Marriage Feast of Cana and our
own nuptials, + that our sorrows, our hardships, our countless
daily irritations may be transformed into a loving gift to each
other and to God that our joys, too, may be offered joyously, +
that our marriage may become a prayer, an oblation, a giving of
the one thing which is ours to give, our life together, as
husband and wife, father and mother, + and that the splendor of
Christ's Love, mirrored in us may draw others to their true life
in Him. +
