ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS

(A Series of Lectures and Discussions in Preparation for
Marriage)

--REVISED, SECOND EDITION--


Edited by
THE REVEREND WILLIAM R. CLARK, O.P., PH.D.,
Professor Of Sociology, Providence College

Copyright 1950,1952
By the Providence College Press
Providence 8, Rhode Island


Printed by
The Rosary Press, Inc., Somerset, Ohio


Nihil Obstat:
DENNIS BERNARDINE MCCARTHY, O.P., S.T.LR., PH.D.

GEORGE QUENTIN FRIEL, O.P., S.T.LR., PH.D.

Imprimi Potest:
TERENCE STEPHEN MCDERMOTT, O.P., S.T.LR., LL.D.
Prior Provincial, St. Joseph's Province

March 19, 1952


Imprimatur:
+RUSSELL J. MCVINNEY, D.D.
Bishop of Providence

March 22,1952



FOREWORD

During the Lent of 1947, in answer to insistent requests from the
students of Providence College and from others, the Sociology
Department and the Chaplain's Office of the College collaborated
on a series of lectures on Courtship and Marriage. These lectures
were delivered by five members of the faculty, and were attended
by an average of one hundred and seventy-five persons. Those
responsible for the series were sufficiently gratified to promise
that it would be repeated the following year.

This was done in 1948, 1949, and 1950. During the Lent of 1949
and again in the Fall of the same year, the editor and Father
Michael P. Coyne, O.P., presented the same material in two series
for engaged and married couples at St. Pius Priory. The 1950
series, then, represents a refinement of the five previous
courses. It was, from the point of view of attendance by far the
most successful, with an average of more than two hundred and
fifty persons present for each of the six discussions. There were
approximately four hundred present for the talk by the "Catholic
Physician."

The 1950 Lenten Series is presented here, very much the way it
occurred. Stenographic records were kept at each session and with
only slight changes here and there each is reproduced almost
word-for-word. The talk by the married couple is presented in
more detail, as also is the physician's talk, because the
discussion or question period assumed more importance in those
than in the other talks. For teaching purposes, "Questions for
Review" and "Questions for Discussion" are appended to each of
the chapters, with the exception of the one by the physician. We
feel that his treatment of the lecture material as well as the
questions put to him is rather complete. Here, only review
questions are listed.

The technique used in this series was as follows: the program was
divided into a straight lecture and a question period. After the
lecture a five-minute intermission was declared during which
those present had an opportunity to write questions on slips of
paper distributed by student ushers. These questions constituted
the material for the second half of the program. During this part
of the evening the discussion was open to the floor, but no one
asked a question vocally; only the written questions were
discussed. It might be added that ten percent of those in
attendance were married; another twenty-five percent, engaged.

We are indebted to all those who contributed to the success of
all of the Lenten series, and we have only praise for the
contributors of this pamphlet. We are grateful to those who so
kindly read the "Pro Manuscripto" edition and sent in their
comments. A word of thanks to Mrs. William J. Flatley and Mrs.
Owen M. Bannon must be spoken for their stenographic work, and
Mr. Joseph F. Cavanaugh, B.F.A., who did the art work.

NOVEMBER 15, 1950                         W. R. C.


In little more than one year the first printing of 5,000 copies
was disposed of to schools, colleges, study clubs, Cana groups,
and parishes. In preparing the second edition it was decided to
include one of the papers from the 1951 series, the one on the
"Sanctifying Power of Matrimony," a topic which is sometimes
overlooked in marriage preparation.--We are grateful to all who,
by their purchases of the first edition and by their
encouragement, have helped to make this second, revised edition
possible.--Daniel F. Higgins, A.B., did the illustration for
chapter VII.

MARCH 7, 1952                         W. R. C.



CONTENTS

I.   GETTING INSTRUCTED (On the Sacrament of Matrimony)
    Rev. John T. Dittoe, O.P., S.T.Lr., S.T.D.

II.  GETTING ACQUAINTED (On Courtship and Chastity)
    Rev. Charles H. McKenna, O.P., B. Litt. (Oxon)

III. GETTING INSPIRED (On Family Retreats, Cana Conferences, etc.)
    Rev. John F. O'Neil, A.M.

IV.  GETTING MEALS (On Home Management)
    Mr. and Mrs. Charles F. Reynolds

V.   GETTING THE FACTS (On the Medical and Personal Side)
    A Catholic Physician

VI.  GETTING MARRIED (On the Ceremonies and Contract of Marriage)
    Rev. William R. Clark, O.P., Ph.D.

VII. GETTING THE CROWN (On the Sanctifying Power of Marriage)
    Rev. Thomas H. McBrien, O.P., S.T.Lr., S.T.L.

Appendix A--The Catholic Marriage Ceremony, the Nuptial Mass with
the Nuptial Blessing

Appendix B--Recommended Readings

Index



I. GETTING INSTRUCTED

BY THE REVEREND JOHN T. DITTOE, O.P., S.T.Lr., S.T.D.

The Reverend John T. Dittoe, O.P., is an assistant to the
Chaplain of the College and professor of Theology.

MARRIAGE, today as always, is an intriguing subject. This fact is
attested to by the countless times marriage is the subject, and
perhaps--the object of conversation. As has often been said, the
three most widely discussed topics of conversation are: religion,
politics, and sex. For one reason or another, people are always
interested in all three. Right now we are going to turn our
thoughts to something that has to do with the first and the third
topic, and in particular we are going to speak of the sacrament
of Matrimony.

The proper view of marriage is often lacking even in those who,
by today's standards, are learned and cultured and good people.
Some, looking at marriage, are overwhelmed by its dignity and its
obligations; hence they look upon it with fear. To these,
marriage is not an ideal--but an ordeal. Some see in marriage
something of the comical. To these, an announcement of a coming
marriage conjures up a picture of the flustered bridegroom
forgetting the wedding ring, or the blushing bride kissing the
altar boy instead of her husband. Still others see in marriage
something of the sensational, and so they are married in a unique
way, perhaps--in the air, or under the sea. Imagine--kissing your
bride through a diver's helmet. Yet, the proper outlook on
marriage demands that we see it for what it truly is: the man and
the woman embarking upon a life where two become one and remain
one until death.


Institution

On that day in the Garden of Eden when the Creator looked upon
His most perfect creature and saw that Adam, despite his
countless possessions and his sovereignty over the whole world,
was lonely, God spoke these words: "It is not good for man to be
alone!" (Genesis 2,18) and He created for Adam a helpmate, Eve.
Since that day when Almighty God gave Eve to Adam and Adam to
Eve, marriage has been a good and sacred thing. On that day in
the dawn of this world, the Author of Nature Himself instituted
marriage, giving it a divine character. From its very beginning
even the mere contract of marriage has been sacred; its origin
was divine. Marriage is not merely a matter of human institution;
it is God-given. The Sacred Scriptures tell us: "God blessed them
(Adam and Eve) saying: Increase and multiply, and fill the earth"
(Genesis 1,28). With these words God sanctioned the union of man
and woman and bestowed His blessing upon the newly-married
couple.


Sacrament

In the course of ages, the pagans and even the chosen people of
God, the Jews, forgot the sacredness of the institution of
marriage and considered it a mere invention of man. But the God
of all, coming upon this earth, was again to bless the joining of
man and woman. At the marriage-feast of Cana, Christ gave divine
approval once more to the lawful union of husband and wife. On
that occasion Christ Himself gave a glorious note to marriage, a
note that has rung down through the centuries. Christ marked that
day by His own

Divine Presence and blessed that marriage with His first miracle,
by changing water into wine, lest the newly-weds be embarrassed
at the failing of the wine. All this was but the forecast of the
time when He Himself would add that touch of Wisdom Divine, when
by His God-head He would raise marriage to the heights of heaven,
when He would confer upon marriage the great dignity of one of
His seven sacraments. If marriage was divinely blessed in Eden
and at Cana, its crowning certainly came when Christ conferred
upon it the dignity of a sacrament, whereby He Himself would be
present for every future marriage, blessing it with the richness
of a thousand blessings, and bestowing upon the young bride and
groom the helps needed for a blessed and happily married life.
The dignity of marriage is tremendous, for marriage is blessed
and holy. It is blessed because God Himself is its Author; it is
holy because Christ Who is God, made it the great sacrament which
is an image of His union with the Church.

To speak of marriage, then, is to speak of the sacrament of
Matrimony.


Contract

The nature or essence of marriage seems most complex, yet, seen
in its true light the notion of marriage is readily grasped.
Rightfully understood, "marriage is a lawful and exclusive
contract by which a man and a woman give and accept a right over
their bodies for the purpose of acts which are in themselves apt
for the generation of children." The essential notion to be
grasped here is contained in the word contract. At the outset, we
see that marriage is not primarily something in the physical
order, but in the rational or intellectual order. A contract has
to do with our wills. Actual marital intercourse is not of the
essence of marriage, for we can have a true marriage without its
being consummated; after all, Our Lady Mary was truly the spouse
of Joseph. The very essence of marriage consists precisely in
that act of the deliberate will by which a man and a woman each
surrenders rights in view of the ends of marriage. This renders
marriage between animals an impossibility. You cannot picture
Fido saying to Josephine and Josephine to Fido: "I will." When a
couple pronounces the words that makes them husband and wife,
they make a contract with each other, a contract that is
different from any other contract for the object of this contract
is the common life. With the words: "I take thee...", this man
and this woman proclaim to the world and before God that they are
embarking upon life together, life together as a means of
advancing nearer to God as they advance nearer to each other, so
that truly they are "two in one flesh" (Mark 10,8). The words
themselves are nothing other than the exterior manifestation of
the interior consent, of the giving and the receiving of the
rights over each other's body. If the internal consent is not
present, then the words are meaningless and in truth there is no
contract, there is no marriage. All this is true of any marriage,
not only of Christian marriage, but of each and every marriage
from the beginning of time.


Justice

The nature of this contract to which the partners bind themselves
is subject to justice and the conditions which justice demands.
The nature of marriage is outside the mere whim of man. Persons
are free to marry or not to marry; they are free to marry this
man or this woman; they are free to marry in June or in
September. True, marriage does have its roots in nature, in the
nature of man and in the nature of woman, in the incompleteness
of man or woman alone, in the limitations of our physical life
and in the need of perpetuating society; still it is not
something that just happens to every man and to every woman; they
must bring it upon themselves. The free will must come into play.
One must make the choice. Yet, once the choice is made--to marry
and to pledge one's love and devotion to another for life,
matrimony is entirely independent of the ideas and the wishes of
the individual. Marriage is not merely a matter concerning
individuals; it concerns society, and hence is subject to the
social welfare. Once two people have embarked upon the vocation
of marriage, they are not free to do as they will in all matters.
The common good of all men demands that they be bound, and be
bound absolutely by the laws of God and of His Church in the
living of that vocation. Marriage is a personal matter in that
you can take it or leave it, but once you take it and enter into
it, marriage is a matter of society.

(Society's interest in marriage will be touched upon later under
the question of marriage laws; but in passing, let it be said
that marriage is the foundation of the family and the family is
the foundation of society. Anything that gnaws at the foundation,
as divorce does, gnaws at society itself.)


Purpose

Everything in this world exists for a definite purpose, and
marriage exists for a very definite purpose. In fact, the
purposes of marriage are many, and usually they are divided into
primary and secondary. The primary purpose is clear from the
definition of marriage given above. The reason for marriage in
the Divine Plan is the generation of children and their
education. In other words, marriage exists, first of all, for the
purpose of bringing children into the world and educating them in
the knowledge and the love of God. Secondarily, marriage exists
for the mutual help the partners can give each other in living
the good life, for their mutual love and devotion, and for the
protection they afford each other against temptation. How
different is this view of marriage, God's view, from that of
sentimental moderns, where convenience and physical attraction
are the only "sane" reasons for marriage.

Marriage is a good and holy thing. The narrow mind which looks
upon it as something merely to be tolerated is to be condemned.
Marriage existed before sin entered into this world, and it
exists after sin, not as an effect of sin, but as a remedy
against evil and a way to holiness. It came directly from the
hands of God with the nature of man. And it was inevitable that
when Christ came upon earth that men might have life more
abundantly, He would certainly give greater fulness, greater
holiness, greater union to this thing which is human love. Christ
made marriage a source of divine life as well as of human life.
He raised marriage to the dignity of a sacrament. From God and
the sacrament come the goods and the compensations, the blessings
and the benefits of marriage.


Blessings

The blessings of marriage are threefold: these are the good of
the child, the good of faith, and the good of the sacrament. In
that order we shall treat of the blessings and benefits of
marriage. For the modern man and woman, to hear children listed
as the first blessing of marriage would call forth a wry smile.
To the modern mind it is not merely a joke when a certain man
seeing his son pass by, turning to the fellow next to him and
instead of saying: "There goes my boy, Johnny or Jimmy or Joe."
says, "There goes one of my tax deductions."


The Child

That children hold the first place among the blessings of
marriage was taught by God Himself, when He said to our first
parents: "Increase and multiply and fill the earth." God Himself
chose marriage as the means of bringing more souls into this
world that they might someday enter into the glory of Heaven.
Children are the primary reason for marriage, and they are
actually the first fruit of the pure love of husband and wife.
The child is the perfect expression of love, for here is a union
which is an embodiment of the father and the mother. Here is, as
it were, a human trinity--the father, the mother, and the child.

The coming of the child brings not merely a new life into the
home, but with the birth of the child a new kind of life enters
into the home--family life. It is when God sends the fruit of
marriage--children--that the parents begin to know what true love
is. Certainly, there was love before the coming of the child, but
now there is a deeper love, a nobler love, an enduring love. True
love is identical with sacrifice. To love someone with a true
love, a spiritual love, an abiding love means thinking of them
often, means trying to please them, means making sacrifices for
them. It means being able to accept another person into their
love, not so as to deprive each other of one bit of love, but
broadening the same intense love to include another. The coming
of children into the home offers countless opportunities for the
expression of all these sentiments, for with children come
responsibilities, and cares and duties, and anxieties, and
sleepless nights and work-filled days, and above all the need of
patience and kindness and forebearance. No truer words do we find
than those which are read to us in the instruction before the
marriage ceremony: "Sacrifice is usually difficult and irksome.
Only love can make it easy; and perfect love can make it a joy.
We are willing to give in proportion as we love."


Conjugal Fidelity

The second blessing of marriage is the good of faith, conjugal
fidelity--the faithfulness of husband to wife and of wife to
husband. To this blessing pertains specially conjugal chastity by
which the spouses render to each other and to no one else the
mutual rights granted by marriage. Here is had that perfect unity
of a man and a woman, that oneness of mind and heart and
affections to be achieved in a whole lifetime, not in a day or in
a year. Without faithfulness to each other, love cannot endure.
This benefit of marriage includes the minimum that can be asked
of the partners, the fairness to each other in thought and in
desire as well as in external honorable acts which justice in the
household demands. But it goes beyond, to a deep mutual
confidence and trust, binding husband and wife closer as they
spend the years together. Perhaps only those who have lost it,
who can no longer trust their partner can fully appreciate how
profoundly this absolute confidence has entered into every
thought, word, and action of their married life. Without this
faith, every gesture is interpreted as a sham, a lie. If the
husband is late for dinner, he has been entertaining someone
else. If the wife accepts a ride home from a party with someone
else's husband, her mate is sure that she has been unfaithful to
him and there wasn't any party at all. And suspicion grows and
mounts with each passing day until all trust in one's partner is
lost and the living of married life is unbearable. Without the
blessing of conjugal fidelity, here truly is a betrayal of love.


Sacrament

The final compensation of marriage is the good of the sacrament.
This blessing of marriage goes beyond the act of marriage to its
very essence. The love part in marriage is never forgotten and
neglected; often the part of sex is stressed far above its
rightful place. The third and last blessing of marriage, however,
is too frequently given little or no thought. This is the "good
of the sacrament," by which is meant the noble significance which
this sacrament of matrimony has of the union of Christ with His
Church. Marriage itself signifies this transcendent union of the
Divine Spouse, Christ, with His Mystical Body. Here we find the
greatest dignity of marriage. Just as the union of Christ with
His Church was a union of love, and a union by which grace
entered into the Church, so also is marriage a union of love, and
a union by which sacramental grace enters into the spouses of
Christian marriage through each other. In Matrimony, the spouses
are the ministers of the sacrament. The man and the woman are the
instruments which God uses in conferring grace upon each other.
The priest, present at the ceremony, is not the minister of the
sacrament; he is only the witness to the proclamation of the
intention of these two before him to live a common life to the
glory of God and to their own salvation. The Wisdom of Divinity
alone could conceive of making marriage the means by which two in
love might confer grace upon each other.


Indissolubility

As a blessing of marriage the good of the sacrament denotes above
all the indissolubility of the bond which is of the very essence
of the consummated marriage. Nature itself dictates the need of
stability in marriage; nature demands that marriage be not merely
a temporary arrangement, but rather a permanent union, for there
is always the child, with its nourishment and care and education
to be considered. However, nature alone would not dictate the
complete unity and lastingness of marriage.

The consecration of Christ gives to every marriage which is a
sacrament the blessing that it be perfectly one and enduring
until death. From this consecration comes the ultimate perfection
to human love. Just as the union of Christ with His Church cannot
be dissolved, neither can the union of man and woman in holy
wedlock cease to be, except by death. In this way alone can
marriage be a worthy climax of love. The realization of the life-
long endurance of marriage is bound to have its effect upon the
living of life together. It is a positive guarantee to each
spouse, making easier and safer the total giving of oneself to
the other. To bear with one another, to give and to take, to
forgive and to be forgiven--all this must be if marriage is to
endure, and marriage must endure. Yet, marriage does not change
the persons involved so that they are entirely different. No,
they remain the same, with the same faults and failings. Each has
his or her own ideas on certain matters; each has his or her
likes and dislikes; each knows what he or she wants and what he
or she does not want. Yet, here we have two who are one. It is
this oneness that is itself an endless process. Each must learn
that gentleness and sympathy from which spring real peace and
fulfillment. There can never be complete agreement of desire in
every little issue, but beneath these little differences, there
must be a solid core of unity which nothing can shake.


Sacramental Grace

The first blessing of the sacrament guarantees that the marriage
will never fail, and it will never fail because of the other
gifts the sacrament brings to the spouses. Marriage, above all,
is a sacrament. As a sacrament it increases sanctifying grace in
the soul, for it is a "sacrament of the living" to be given only
to those already friends of God. To receive Matrimony in the
state of sin is to commit a sacrilege, the defamation of a sacred
thing, and instead of beginning married life with the blessings
of God the spouses enter wedlock with the scorn of their Creator
upon them, having made a mockery of His Wisdom and His Mercy.
Besides this increase of the Divine Life in the spouses through
sanctifying grace, there is given in Christian marriage a very
special grace, called the sacramental grace of Matrimony. This
grace is not conferred for the moment, for the time being, but
this sacrament confers upon the man and the woman a right to all
the graces of a lifetime, a right to all the special helps they
will need to live a holy and happily married life. The grace of
this sacrament assures them that in the time of difficulties,
which, although unforeseen on their wedding day, will certainly
come, they will have the strength and the courage to bear with
the problems of living the common life. They know that through
this sacrament they will have, on the promise of God Himself, the
help they need to overcome each and every temptation in their
married life. (A more complete discussion of sacramental grace
will be found in Chapter VII.) These temptations may be an attack
on any of the three goods or compensations of marriage. All told,
there are just three roads which the enemies may take in an
attempt to disrupt the peace and the sanctity of the home.
Whether the temptation be against the child, during pregnancy, at
birth, or after birth; against mutual justice, by denying
another's right, notably in the use of Matrimony's act, through
the practice of birth control or adultery; against the
indissoluble bond of union, by divorce and attempted re-marriage-
-no matter what, each partner will have the particular grace and
special help he or she needs to overcome that temptation because
of the sacrament which has been received. The right to these
graces has been given them, and this right will not be denied by
God.


Attacks on Marriage

In this day and age the interest in marriage is one of
desecration rather than consecration of the home. The attack upon
Matrimony is growing day by day as is evidenced by the number of
divorces granted each year, by the conservative estimate of one
million abortions performed last year, by the tremendous
manufacture and sale of contraceptives. All this is an attack
upon the home, but at the same time it is an attack upon society.
The family is the basic unit of society; without the family
society could not exist. Yet, the advocates of legalized adultery
and legalized murder and legalized self-abuse are ignorant of
their undermining our democratic way of life, a way of life to
which they profess to be so greatly devoted. In the midst of all
this corruption and degradation there is but one means of saving
all that we hold with a sacred trust. To save society, we must
save the family; to save the family, we must save the sacrament
of Matrimony.


To Husbands and Wives

Upon those who have the one and only true concept of marriage,
there rests a tremendous burden--the task of living their own
married lives after the manner God Himself, the Author of
marriage, has decreed; and the task of inducing others to realize
the solemn contract they have made before God. Married men and
women must be true to themselves, to their partner, to their
children, to society--in other words, to their contract--and
above all to their God. They must live the good life of married
love encompassed with the love of God.

The beauty of Matrimony can be seen at a glance. We have only to
recall the blessings of marriage--children, companionship, and
grace--correspond to the three kinds of love, physical,
sentimental or emotional, and spiritual. God alone could blend
them all so beautifully. To those living the married life, we
say: With courage go forth and face the world with its
condemnations and desecrations and vices and selfishness. The
courage is yours, for you have the absolute assurance of the
helps and graces you will need to lead a virtuous life in the
midst of corruption. Be the help and assistance to each other
that you proclaim you will be on your wedding day. Teach your
children of God and the way to God. All this, that the day may
come when you will be united in the glorious family of God with
the angels and saints in Heaven.


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. What is the definition of marriage?

2. What is the essential notion contained in the definition of
marriage? Explain your answer.

3. What is meant by the statement: Marriage is a good and sacred
thing?

4. In what way is marriage a concern of society?

5. What is the primary purpose of marriage? secondary purpose?

6. For what benefits was marriage instituted?

7. What is the source of the indissolubility of marriage?

8. What is the special grace of the sacrament of Matrimony?

9. How does the sacramental grace of the sacrament of Matrimony
enable marriage to achieve its purpose?

10. In how many ways can the enemies of the home attempt to
destroy marriage?


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. Is marriage a mere invention of man?

2. How did Christ show His approval of the union of man and woman
in marriage?

3. What are the effects of Christ's raising marriage to the
dignity of a sacrament?

4. How does nature dictate the stability of marriage?

5. In what way does the sacrament make the bond of marriage
stable and permanent?

6. Are children a blessing for the parents?

7. What sins make an attack upon the three benefits of marriage?

8. Is every marriage a sacrament?



II. GETTING ACQUAINTED


BY THE REVEREND CHARLES H. MCKENNA, O.P., B.LITT. (OXON)

The Reverend Charles H. McKenna, O.P., has been the chaplain of
the students at Providence College for more than ten years. He
teaches in the Department of History and Government.

MARRIAGE is a vocation, a distinct vocation for certain souls. It
is a serious and sacred union of man and woman for life, not in
the manner of a business partnership, but rather in a most
intimate relationship affecting their present, future, and even
eternal destinies. To perpetuate Divine Life on earth Christ
established His priesthood and gave us the sacrament of the Holy
Eucharist. To perpetuate human life, the Creator not only endowed
man and woman with certain physical and mutually complementary
characteristics, but He also implanted in them natural impulses
and objectives which are consecrated in the sacrament of
Matrimony. Both the priesthood and the married state are
vocations. Both are blessed with sacraments. Both are lifetime
consecrations--"thou art a priest forever"; husband and wife take
each other "until death do us part."

Now the Church is particularly careful about those whom she
anoints as priests, or whom she admits into her service in the
religious life. For those who would share in her ministry she
demands a long period of study and preparation, while for the
religious life a time of novitiate is required in which the
candidate has an opportunity to investigate the life that
eventually will be his, to live according to its rule and to
learn something of the responsibilities and obligations of such a
career.


Novitiate to Marriage

The period of courtship is somewhat similar to the novitiate for
the religious life. It is a time of investigation and preparation
for that common life which begins with the reception of the
sacrament of Matrimony. Since marriage is a real vocation to a
divinely instituted mode of living, since it is a union of
husband and wife until death, the people who enter into it should
not do so with too great haste, nor without the proper
appreciation of all its responsibilities, realizing that the
better one prepare for it, the more likely it is to be a happy
and successful union. The boy and girl, to quote the phrase of
Father Bede Jarrett, "should be apprenticed, as it were, to the
trade of family life." They should look into the family life of
their own homes and study the reasons for the success of their
parents. They should learn wisely of others whose households are
an inspiration. Unless fundamentals are understood beforehand and
realities seen, at least in outline, the future "with its hopes
and disappointments, its successes and its failures" may be
unbearably rough and embarrassing.


Sacrifice Necessary

It cannot be too forcibly impressed on the minds of those
contemplating marriage that although marriage serves many
purposes and brings immeasurable happiness, nevertheless it
demands positive sacrifice, sometimes for long periods, and a
mutual give and take in matters in which each has held a stubborn
point of view. Every advantage received in matrimony seems to
exact a yielding of a corresponding freedom, yet every sacrifice
involved means a commensurate benefit. It gives strength and
endurance to the bond of partnership, but only at the cost of
mutual cooperation and confidence. It offers social stability and
protection and, at the same time, imposes social restraints and
limitations. It allows and enobles physical gratification, but,
in turn, demands a mutual self-surrender and the obligation to
accept the responsibilities that may follow as a consequence of
this physical union.


"Window-shopping"

The initial stage of courtship might be called the "Discovery
Era." Before true courtship really exists there is generally a
period of investigation, of romantic window-shopping. Both boy
and girl look over the eligibles. This is the time when
practically every date is with a different boy or with a
different girl. Sometimes a couple will go out together for a
month or more and then if one or the other begins to "get
serious" a new partner is immediately sought. This process goes
on for a while with the usual waverings of the affections, the
awakening of enthusiastic interests followed by a series of
wounding disappointments. But despite the surface attitude of
flippancy there may be, in fact there should be, a very serious
search for genuine value. The choice of one must eventually be
made by both the boy and the girl. Marriage is with one partner.
It is an investment not only for life, but an investment of life.

Many things cause initial attraction. Physical beauty and
personal charm play a great part in bringing together young
people; a kindred field of interest, or work, a similarity of
taste in literature, music, or the theatre may be other reasons.
But these are really accidental and, important chiefly at the
outset. Subsequently, however, the hidden qualities, the deeper
and more sterling revelations of character should gain pre-
eminence and help in the definite selection of this particular
boy or girl.

Theoretically, for both the choice is equal. But because the girl
too frequently does not wish to take the chance of remaining
single throughout life, she makes the decision sooner than the
boy. Unfortunately, at times this decision is prompted not by
love, but because there is, or there seems to be, no immediate
prospect of another choice. The natural desire for motherhood in
every woman and the fear of "remaining on the shelf" with all the
accompanying stigma attached to that state is the true motive for
this hasty selection. Too late is it realized that it would have
been better to have stayed single than to have entered into an
unhappy marriage--until death--is the wisdom of the old adage
impressed on her: "Marry in haste, and repent at leisure."


Going Steady

Gradually this period of shopping narrows itself down to the
choice of the individual partner. Perhaps the selection was slow
in coming; perhaps it was delayed because of necessity. But
eventually there is that unforgettable occasion, usually some
night, when the heavens seemed to take on a new glory, when the
moon appeared brighter than ever before and the stars more
brilliant, when the air was more exhilarating, when the world had
taken on a new meaning. Life had suddenly become more purposeful.
In the quietude of each other's company, it was discovered that
boy and girl are in love. The girl thinks that she has found the
man of her ideals, or at least as near to those ideals as
possible; the boy feels that this is the girl of his choice, the
one he wishes to make the mother of his children, the only one
that was ever made like her.

Once the decision has been made it is followed by a period in
which the affections are quickened. There is a constant search on
the part of each to say and to do the things that please each
other. The free moments of the day, and the sleepless hours of
the night are spent in planning things that will be mutually
enjoyable. There are frequent treasure hunts through the stores,
trying to find gifts for each other's birthday, for Christmas and
other occasions.

In this period the boy seeks to secure his position and to cement
his affections. He showers his attention on the girl and
endeavors to make himself acceptable to her parents. She, on her
part, tries to understand better her fiance and to make herself
acceptable to his parents.


Consider the "Old-folks"

Why should parents be considered? After all, boy takes girl and
girl takes boy, not each other's family. That is true; the
marriage contract is between the boy and the girl, but how often
do parents attempt to interfere with their children's plans? How
often do parents attempt to arrange a marriage according to their
longtime secret ambitions. One does not have to search for long,
nor very far, to find examples of parents who for reasons of
social prestige, of wealth, or of personal advantage forced their
sons and their daughters into unhappy marriages without any
consideration of the wishes of the parties themselves. Such
interference and coercion, under certain circumstances, may
vitiate the marriage contract and render it null and void.


Compatible?

The principal purpose of courtship is to find out whether the
couple can adapt themselves to a common life, to see whether
their personal lives are compatible, whether their love can stand
the test of sacrifice and persist through periods of difference
and difficulty. Much time will be spent together, at dances, in
restaurants, and in the theatre. There will be automobile drives
together, walks through the park and parties with friends. But
the most important opportunities for discovering the
possibilities of a successful marriage will be found in the hours
that are spent at home, away from all the artificial stimulation
and the external excitement and glamour of public entertainment.
Here they will learn to know and respect each other. As future
man and wife their lives together will be lived in the home, and
the proper time to discover whether they are capable of
establishing a true home is the period of courtship. Can they
carry on for any length of time a serious conversation about
topics of mutual interest? Are their cultural likes so diverse
that discussion is impossible? Are their ideals and standards of
morality, of economics, of social life such that there can be no
agreement? The answers to these questions will be unfolded in the
hours spent together at home.


Not Compatible!

If perchance it should be discovered that a harmonious future
cannot be foreseen, that the pattern of these two lives cannot be
reconciled, then a separation should take place immediately. The
fear of emotional upsets, the apprehension of what other people
will say, should not be made the reasons for prolonging a
courtship which will eventually end in tragedy. In all such cases
time is a great healer. A change of scenery also may help one to
forget a broken romance, although this may not always be possible
because of family obligations or economic necessity. But to
continue keeping company when it is known that marriage is out of
the question merely postpones the difficulties of separation and
delays the chances for each party to begin a new romance with
someone else. For the girl this can be most unfair, because time
works more to her disadvantage than to the boy's. The longer she
waits to find the truly compatible partner, the more limited is
the choice, if she is given the opportunity of a choice at all.

But the couple who have tried themselves in the school of daily
living, who have investigated their differences in thought and
habit, who have weighed their sensitive natures and finally come
to the conclusion that marriage is possible, then, with the help
of God, they may look forward to a future filled with the
happiness that comes only from true love.


True Compatibility

This true compatibility of the boy and girl is assured if both
have similar or complimentary tastes and habits. It is not
necessary that their likes and dislikes be identical, but each
must be ready to appreciate the other's temperament and
eccentricities. Each must be willing to make concessions in favor
of the other. This yielding to the ideas of the other must be
mutual. It must not always be the boy who gives in to the girl,
or the girl who constantly has to do what the boy wants. There
should also, of course, be some common interests which can be
shared together, especially during leisure time.


Social Compatibility

Social compatibility is another essential to marital happiness.
This does not mean that there must be equality of social
prominence, or of wealth, but it does demand a harmony of ideals
and social adaptability. Class distinction is not part of our
American system of life. The traditions of our national and
social life are founded on the equality of individuals. Not
infrequently, however, social and economic differences create
hazards to a happy married life. This is particularly true if the
wealthy party receives expensive gifts and financial assistance
from his parents. A patronizing attitude is sometimes manifested
by wealthy in-laws which makes the less fortunate member feel
that he has lost his economic independence, or gives him the
sense of a social orphan, who has been suddenly elevated to a
station which would have been unobtainable without this help. It
puts a stigma on lowliness of birth and poverty that is not
easily erased.

During the time of courtship the young couple should endeavor to
enjoy themselves within the capacity of the boy's income or
allowance. For a girl always to seek luxurious gifts and costly
entertainment may create the impression that she has such
expensive tastes that even with a reasonable salary the boy would
never expect to support her in the future in the style to which
she has been accustomed. Consequently, that romance is ended. Or,
for the boy always to suggest that he take the girl to the most
expensive night clubs and to the most highly priced shows, when
he really cannot afford to do so, deliberately leads the girl to
false impressions of his economic standard. Frankness in such
matters may be a little humiliating on occasion, but if the truth
is not made known at the outset, then false criteria may be set
up and when the sham is eventually revealed--as it must--
disillusionment and discontent are the normal results.

Extravagance is understandable and tolerable on rare occasions: a
birthday, a college junior promenade, or some similar event.
These are exceptional instances, however, and a boy who pretends
that such is the normal routine is doing a grave injustice to
himself and to his girl. He is inviting future trouble when it
becomes apparent that his wallet just will not support a
continuous round of such activities with all their attendant
appeal.


Religious Compatibility

A common faith and religious background are the cornerstone of a
happy marriage. Differences of religion hit at the very basis of
the married life. The Church, with the divine authority that is
hers, and the wisdom that is based on the experience of
centuries, places obstacles in the way of a mixed marriage, that
is, a marriage between a Catholic and a non-Catholic. The reason
for these obstacles is to create a greater awareness on the part
of the young couple of this very fundamental difference and to
cause them to think well before entering into the life-lasting
contract.

The whole relation of the emotional and sensual life, the
question of children, their baptism, education, and religious
instruction are involved in mixed marriages. These are root
issues, and where there is friction or disagreement on them,
trouble is sure to follow. Not too infrequently the bitterness
engendered by these problems becomes so tense and so constant
that the home is disrupted and the family separated.

Certain promises must be signed by the non-Catholic before the
marriage ceremony can take place. First of all, the Catholic
doctrine of marriage as an enduring contract "until death," must
be recognized. Then the non-Catholic specifically states that the
Catholic shall in no way be impeded from the free and complete
practice of his religion; secondly, that all children--not just
the boys, or just the girls, but all--will be baptized and raised
in the Catholic Faith; lastly, it is pledged that no other
ceremony, either civil or religious, will take place before or
after the Catholic wedding. These promises are made in writing
and must be witnessed by a priest. The mere expression of good
will and a verbal pronouncement to observe them are not
sufficient. The signed document must be forwarded to the bishop
of the diocese where the wedding is to take place, and he gives
the dispensation and the permission for the marriage ceremony.

Even after these promises have been made and the marriage
ceremony over, there may be difficulty and unrest because the
non-Catholic takes very lightly, or completely disregards the
pledge not to interfere with the Catholic's practice of religion.
Because he is no longer concerned with the struggle to obtain the
partner of his choice, and takes advantage of the security of a
Catholic marriage, his sworn pledge loses its meaning. For
instance, a Catholic is obliged under pain of serious sin to
attend Mass on Sundays and Holydays. It may happen that on
occasions an outing of some sort had been planned on one of these
days, and an early start is desirable. The Catholic insisted on
first going to Mass, which gave rise to an argument. The brief
delay caused by this fulfillment of the Commandment and
obligation to God was made the reason for "running into heavy
traffic" or any other inconvenience that occurred during the
whole day. Or, the Catholic husband should say that he does not
want breakfast early on a certain day because he intends to
receive Holy Communion, and the non-Catholic wife decides that
there will be "only one breakfast served in this house." If her
husband wants breakfast he either takes it when it is served, or
he does not eat breakfast that day at home. Multiplied over the
course of years, such instances become not a little annoying and
produce positive rancor and unhappiness. (A further discussion of
the Church's attitude toward mixed marriage is to be found in
Chapter VI, under the treatment of impediments.)

The best protection against a mixed marriage is to avoid keeping
company with a person of a different religion. It is often
difficult, sometimes too late, to break up after the couple has
fallen in love. To prevent trouble, avoid the circumstances that
cause it. Perhaps it will be objected that a mixed marriage is an
opportunity to effect a conversion of a Protestant. This is true,
but unfortunately experience has proven that the number of
conversions which do take place occur quite often after the
couple has lived together many years. Sometimes it is the
occasion of a child's first Holy Communion that proves the
inspiration, sometimes it does not happen until the silver
jubilee, or even later. Therefore it is repeated, and with
emphasis, that company keeping with people not of the same faith
is one way to invite an unhappy marriage.


Clean of Heart

Two people who have discovered that they are in love want to do
more than merely tell each other about it, they want to manifest
it. This is natural. But demonstrations of affection must be held
within the bounds of the moral law and the accepted standards of
social propriety. True love tends towards union, a union of
hearts, not necessarily of bodies, certainly not before marriage.

There are men who will attempt, even on the first date, to
persuade a girl to yield to their sensual demands. There are
girls who believe that the only way to attract and to hold a man
is to allow him liberties and erotic pleasures which belong only
to those who are married. Courtships based upon these ideas put
love as a synonym for sex and cannot have an enduring value. A
marriage that has its origins in such circumstances is
practically certain to end in disappointments and disaster.

True love is something noble, dignified, precious. True love is
something natural, but it is also very spiritual. If it seeks to
unite two beings of opposite sex into one, if it seeks to bring
together two intellects, two free wills into one life, it is
because the Creator "made them male and female," and because the
Second Person of the Blessed Trinity consecrated this union in
the sacrament of Matrimony. The husband and wife who share such
conjugal love will enjoy real, lasting happiness. On the other
hand, the couple whose love is based solely on sexual attraction
will know no other, no higher enjoyment, than the sensual, which
is ephemeral and as changeable as the ocean tide.

"Blessed are the clean of heart for they shall see God" was the
message of Christ on the Mount of the Beatitudes. He was speaking
to all peoples of all ages. It was a doctrine not only for those
of His time, but it was a universal principle, equally applicable
to our own day, despite the current public disregard for the
sacredness of marital love. The boy and girl who indulge in pre-
marital sexual relationships steal the joy of the honeymoon,
weaken the affections because the emphasis is placed on the
sensual, and lastly, invite suspicion and lack of mutual
confidence in the faithfulness of each other after marriage.

It is not wrong to show affections by caresses and kisses, but
when these reach the intensity that cause either the boy or the
girl to become physically excited, then it is time to change the
scene, time to have a smoke, time to quit. Of course, if the
intention is wrong at the outset then it is definitely a sin. To
continue demonstrating affections under these circumstances is to
expose oneself to the deliberate occasion of sin, which is itself
sinful because it is toying with the grace of God. It is setting
the stage for sin and then hoping--maybe praying--that sin will
not happen.


Temptation

Temptation is strong, passion is powerful, youthful love is
grasping for union, but temperateness must guide the young couple
in their courtship. This is not simply a negative thing, a policy
of restraint, but a positive and creative virtue It is an
essential quality of love because it sees the human body as the
temple of the Holy Ghost, the sanctuary of God, and it treats
that body with reverence. To do otherwise is to be irreverent to
God.

Temperateness is one of the virtues that is acquired by diligent
self-discipline, a continued chastising of the assertive cravings
of the flesh. Hence, instead of being masters, enslaving the
soul, these cravings become what God intended them to be, a part
of the total, unified personality. The practice of this virtue,
therefore, safeguards and perfects the life of the senses by
steadfast restraint and by the development of a deep appreciation
for the purpose and the position of man in the Divine economy.
Since love is the total enchantment of being and identical with
what is good and beautiful, it follows that true love is not
possible without temperateness. Sensual indulgence is an isolated
part of the expression of love, and, separated from the whole
being, it is naturally selfish and destructive. One does not love
less, but more, when the passions are ordered and controlled by
reverence for the human body and a respect for the laws of the
Creator. It is well to remember that boys who are permitted
sensual liberties by girls frequently do not choose these same
girls to be their wives and the mothers of their children. Boys
will often take every advantage of such opportunities for
pleasure, but when it comes to the permanent partner in life,
they want to feel that they are taking a girl that has not been
violated by another man. Restraint, therefore, in the days of
courtship, may be well rewarded by happiness in marriage and an
unquestioned confidence in each other's fidelity.

One of the best known means of helping to preserve purity during
the days of courtship is to "double date," that is, for two or
more couples to go out together. "There is safety in numbers"
goes an old saying, and there is a great amount of wisdom in it.
Certainly it is much easier to control one's emotions and to keep
passions disciplined when others are present. Even if it is not
possible for several couples to go out together, a good practice
is for the boy and the girl not to seek isolated spots where
opportunity for unbridled emotional display is possible. To stay
out in the open, to keep in public view may be restraining, but
it is good insurance against wrongdoing. This may sound like mid-
Victorian advice; nevertheless, it is still helpful in
maintaining self-respect and purity in love.


The Ring

After the boy and girl have been keeping company for some time
and have made the decision that they are meant for each other,
the engagement is announced. Weeks may be spent in trying to
choose the engagement ring. Perhaps the ring will be purchased on
the installment plan (unknown to the girl); but whatever the
circumstances it will be bought only after physical and economic
sacrifice. All that the ring symbolizes, however, is sufficient
compensation for every sacrifice involved.

Primarily the ring is a pledge of marriage and a sign of the bond
which will bind them together for life. Made of gold, or some
other precious metal, it portrays the value and the rarity of
true love. The diamond reflects the interior joy of the engaged
couple, while its crystal clearness is indicative of the purity
that should animate their affections. The ring is a public
proclamation that from this day forward the couple belong to each
other, and the announcement of the wedding date is awaited.


Engagement

The period of engagement is a time of specialized study; it is
the graduate work in the school of romance. Conflicts of opinion
may be more apparent as the hidden qualities of personality are
revealed and the willingness to adapt oneself to economic and
social standards is made more evident. The capacity to build and
to maintain a home is, at least, foreshadowed as they search for
furniture and have long conversations about who will be invited
to the wedding and who will be the attendants. This is the most
crucial time of courtship because of the frequent occasions when
they are alone for long periods planning the future, and the
increased intimacy that comes as the day for the wedding gets
closer. If ever there was a time for self-discipline, it is
during the last few months of the engagement.

No new privileges are conferred by the announcement of the
engagement, as so many like to believe. On the contrary, the
nearer the wedding day approaches, the more should the engaged
couple strive to remain pure in their affections. While the
dangers are increased, there is also a greater opportunity to
prove their individual fidelity to that which is right and to
build an impregnable confidence in each other.

A much disputed question is "how long should the courtship last?"
Every case is different and, consequently, it is difficult to
give a specific answer. Certainly, courtships and engagements
should not be drawn out. A year--at the most, two years--is
considered a sufficient duration for an engagement. Ordinarily
the young man and young woman should have found out in that
length of time whether they are suited to each other. Of course,
circumstances of emergency, family obligation, or financial
difficulties may alter the individual case. But when a courtship
is prolonged into five, seven, or even ten years, there is
obviously a lack of intention to marry. Furthermore, protracted
courtships are spiritually dangerous because, as the affection is
increased, so also is the danger of sinning. With no possibility
of getting married in the foreseeable future the idea of "going
steady" should be abandoned.


With God's Help

Man cannot afford to forget his Creator, to ignore his complete
dependence upon God. Moreover, the words of Christ have re-echoed
down through the centuries: "Without Me you can do nothing."
Certainly in such an important matter as choosing a partner for
life, it seems that divine guidance should be sought. Our Blessed
Lord prayed before selecting the Apostles, who were to be his
companions for three years and then to continue His mission after
His Ascension into Heaven. Was He not giving humans an example,
pointing the way for man to seek enlightenment at the time of
choosing a companion for life?

During the period of courtship, too, spiritual assistance is
necessary to preserve purity in the young couple's relationships.
"My Grace is sufficient for thee," is the assurance of Christ to
St. Paul at the time of temptation. But with sexual impulses so
strong and public vice so prevalent, is not grace needed in
abundance to persist in love's ideal?

The prayers of the wedding ceremony invoke the divine blessing on
the common life which is just beginning at the altar. A special
blessing, given during the Nuptial Mass, asks that the union may
be fruitful and that all the offspring may enjoy heavenly
protection. After that common life has begun and the glamour of
the honeymoon has worn away, there may be many occasions when the
tranquillity of the household is threatened. It is then that a
prayer to the Prince of Peace should be offered asking Him to
restore domestic harmony. There may be other occasions when it
will be consoling to turn to Him Who came in poverty, that we
might know the riches of divine gifts, and beg for spiritual and
material help in a time of economic crisis. It will always be
inspiring to glance up at the Crucifix adorning the wall of every
Catholic home, and see Divine Love with outstretched arms
renewing for us the lesson that true love demands sacrifice.

The Catholic who looks upon marriage as a vocation with serious
obligations and responsibilities will very early in the days of
romance learn the necessity of turning to prayer and of putting
trust in Him Who said: "Come to Me..." The road may be rough and
the young couple may know dark days of trial, of want, of
disappointment, but no matter how troublous the times may seem,
courage will not be lacking, because their marriage was founded
on true love. Husband and wife see in each other a mutual
inspiration. even in difficulty, the calmness, the happiness, the
security of a union "until death."


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. What is meant by the expression: "Courtship is the novitiate
to the married state?"

2. What is the discovery era in courtship?

3. Should parents be considered during courtship?

4. Why should a couple look for compatibilities during courtship?

5. What is true compatibility?

6. Should a couple have identical tastes to be compatible?

7. What about economic and social status?

8. How important is religious compatibility?

9. How can one avoid a mixed marriage?

10. Does "being in love" grant moral liberties to a couple?

11. Does being engaged allow greater moral liberties?

12. Is true love noble?

13. Why is temperateness important to true love?

14. How long is the ideal engagement?

15. Should a couple pray for guidance during courtship?


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. How can Catholic boys and girls meet one another?

2. Should date bureaus be run by schools and colleges?

3. Should a couple when not yet going steady attend a lecture
series such as this one?

4. Is it advisable for a young man to spend a week-end with his
fiance s family?

5. With the possibility of another world war, what do you think
of war-time marriages?

6. If the young woman does not agree with her fiance on matters
of politics, world conditions, etc., does this mean that the
couple is not suited to each other?



III. GETTING INSPIRED

BY THE REVEREND JOHN F. O'NEIL, A.M.

The Reverend John F. O'Neil, is an assistant in the Cathedral of
SS. Peter and Paul, Providence, R.I. He has been active in
preparing young couples for marriage, not only in parish
conferences, but also in conducting weekend retreats for engaged
young ladies.

IN THIS third conference of our series on Courtship and Marriage,
we propose to discuss the importance, in fact the necessity, of
religious inspiration and motivation throughout any courtship
that will be a proving-ground of real and enduring love, and
during any marriage that is destined to be a permanent, happy
union of husband and wife in Christian wedlock.

Our dictionary defines the word inspiration as "an awakening of
thought and purpose by some specific external influence." And so,
tonight, when we speak of the necessity of young people who find
themselves called to the marital vocation "getting inspired," we
mean precisely that they must be awakened to the practical
application of their religious principles to everyday living,
that they must be alerted in thought and purpose by active
cooperation with the external influence of God's grace, from the
first days of courtship down through the days and years of
married life, if they are desirous of making their union in
marriage permanently happy, successful, and secure. In our day,
there is no work of zeal more important in the eyes of a priest,
whether he be a college professor or engaged in the work of a
parish, than to point the way to the sources of this inspiration
to those who have sense enough to desire it.


Misinformation

Practice in yielding readily and without awkwardness to
instinctive yearnings, both physical and emotional, is generally
regarded by young people today to be the most important practical
test of marital compatibility. The modern agencies of
misinformation: the radio serial, the romantic novel, and the
screen portrayals of idyllic love have so influenced the minds of
our young people that at an early age, they become saturated with
a type of living that is essentially different from the pattern
found in nature and stamped with the seal of nature s God.
Therefore, their preparation for the married life and their
general concept of conjugal love are not essentially different
from their cursory knowledge of the barnyard mating of domestic
animals. This may be a crude manner of expression, but a nodding
acquaintance with such studies as the Kinsey Report is ample
evidence that it is a statement of fact. And while we are facing
facts, let it be noted that in spite of the ever-expanding
influences of Catholic Education, the departments of human living
that may be designated as love-making and marriage, are
considered by all too many of our young people out of bounds  and
beyond the sphere of influence of moral principles and religious
inspiration.


Vocation

That marriage is a sacrament of the New Law--one of the seven
instituted by Christ--is a doctrine of Catholic Faith, an
infallibly revealed truth. Two of the seven sacraments have the
specific purpose of dedicating and consecrating baptized
Catholics to a new and special kind of Christian living: the
sacrament of Holy Orders, and the sacrament of Matrimony. Even
the poorly informed Catholic has some notion of the lengthy
preparation that is required and that is necessary for the
reception of the sacrament of Holy Orders. Everyone knows too,
that those who have taken up the life of a priest require and
receive constant spiritual rejuvenation in order to maintain the
ideals of that special kind of living.

Now a vocation to the married life and the reception of the
sacrament of Matrimony appeals to a larger number of people
because of their particular characters and temperaments, than
does the vocation of the religious life. But the duties of this
state of life, as decreed by God, are sometimes just as
demanding, just as difficult of fulfillment as the duties of the
priesthood. It is foolhardy to presume that these
responsibilities can be undertaken and these duties fulfilled by
the recipients of the sacrament of Matrimony, without a spiritual
preparation and a frequently renewed consecration of ideals, at
least comparable to those demanded of the recipient of the
sacrament of Holy Orders.


Reminders

When civilization was essentially Christian, Holy Mother the
Church did not find it necessary to stress formal preparation for
the reception of the sacrament of Matrimony. Christians of former
generations did not have to be reminded of the necessity of
seeking God's abiding assistance constantly during their married
life in order to secure a maximum of happiness and adjustment
during the exercise of the marital vocation. But during the last
fifty years, she has seen the minds of her children clouded with
the fog of confused thinking on marriage, its nature and its
purpose, and with alarm and solicitude, she has sounded a call to
action. Pope Pius XI and our present Holy Father have written
solemn, eloquent, and forceful appeals to Catholics throughout
the world, emphasizing anew, the great dignity of the marital
vocation and the necessity of restoring to married life the
Christian principles that make of this vocation a means in itself
for the salvation of souls. Throughout the world, these
admonitions have been heeded. The Catholic Press has made the
exposition of the principles of right living in Christian
marriage its most popular subject; Christian Marriage has become
the timely topic of the day. On the assumption that knowledge of
principles is the first step in the restoration of all things in
Christ, the Church is exerting every effort in popularizing every
type of appealing treatise on the subject of the Christian
marital vocation.

But education is only the first step, and by no means the most
important step in bringing Catholics to recognize, in the
practical routine of their everyday living, the implications of
their delegation by the reception of the great sacrament to a
special kind of Christian living. To know is not always to do, or
to act. And this is precisely where inspiration becomes
necessary. Conviction and purpose must be awakened and then
translated into action. Minds must be illumined and hearts must
be moved by the transforming power of God's abiding grace.

Priests who are engaged in the care of souls in Catholic parishes
are moved almost to discouragement when they observe how many of
their people who have the divine gift of Faith and who have been
given all the advantages of a thorough Catholic education, and
yet are permeated with the secular standards of married life,
that are so conspicuously prevalent everywhere in America today.
They see day by day, the remorse of conscience and the bitter
mental torment visited upon those husbands and wives who have
lost sight of the spiritual ideals of their marital vocation.
From their pulpits, they preach these ideals frequently and
forcefully, but their admonitions fall upon ears that are
deafened by the engrossing predominance of the one secular norm
of a happy marriage: self-seeking pleasure. Periodically missions
are preached in the parishes during which more intensive attempts
to inspire are made. But the results are not as effective or
widespread or permanent as they should be.


Family Life Bureau

In 1931, shortly after the appearance of Pope Pius XI's
encyclical "On Christian Marriage," the Family Life Bureau of the
Social Action Department in the National Catholic Welfare
Conference was established by the Bishops of the United States
with the distinct purpose of spreading the doctrine of the Church
as contained in the encyclical. Father Edgar Schmiedeler, O.S.B.,
Ph.D., then on the faculty of the Catholic University of America,
was placed in charge of it and is still the director. As this
revision goes to press the twentieth annual meeting of the
National Catholic Conference on Family Life is meeting in
Columbus, Ohio, with some three thousand delegates and members in
attendance.

The work of the Conference, and of the Bureau which sponsors it,
is concerned with education for family living, conducting family
retreats in parishes, the appointment of the "Catholic Mother of
the Year," and many other activities aimed at giving Catholics a
deeper appreciation of their married vocation.


Cana Beginnings

More recent in origin is the Cana Conference. Not quite ten years
ago, a Jesuit priest, Father John P. Delaney, inaugurated a
movement in New York City called the Family Renewal Association.
He conducted periodical retreats for husbands and wives which
were immediately successful to a marked degree in solving
marriage problems and in bringing to the lives of the
participants, the inspiration so badly needed in the daily
routine fulfillment of the marital vocation. Shortly afterwards,
a similar movement began in Chicago which grew so rapidly that in
1946 a full time Chaplain was appointed to take charge of
coordinating such activities throughout the Archdiocese. A few
months later, the movement began in St. Louis. The first retreat
day for married couples was held there on October 15, 1944 under
the direction of Rev. Edward Dowling, S.J. It was he who gave the
name "Cana Conference" to the movement and it was largely due to
his influence that the movement spread so rapidly throughout the
country. In some form or other the Cana Conference Movement is
now operating in about thirty dioceses of the United States.


Spiritualize Marriage

The Cana Conference bears some resemblance to a Retreat. It is a
day set apart for recollection and discussion by married people
for the purpose of spiritualizing the ordinary activities of
family life and nourishing the corporate life of married people.
The lectures are given outside of Church or Chapel and questions
are invited and encouraged by the speaker. Husbands and wives sit
side by side. Comfortable chairs are provided and the
participants are permitted to smoke if they wish.

The Cana Conferences are essentially a Christian marital
adjustment movement; they are an attempt to adjust modern couples
to the Christian plan of marriage and family life as drawn by God
in the natural law and transformed by Christ. Although the
Conferences discuss the meaning of marriage and the problems of
married life, emphasis is placed rather on the Christianizing of
marital and parental attitudes than on the here-and-now solution
of a particular problem of a particular married couple. The
attempt is made to replace the secularist attitude towards
marriage and the family with the Christian outlook in the belief
that thus the root cause of much marital friction will be stunted
and the obstacles to an even greater happiness be overcome.

From experience with the various groups, it has been found that
the conferences are more effective when there are not less than
fifteen and not more than twenty couples present. Such a small
group has been found necessary to create the informality and
intimacy of contact during the day of the conferences.


Cana Day

The typical Cana Conference Day opens with Mass and a Communion
breakfast. Two talks are given in the morning followed by lunch.
A third talk and a question-and-discussion period are held in the
afternoon followed by Benediction of the most Blessed Sacrament
and the renewal of the marriage vows.

It has been also found that the success of the Cana Movement is
strictly dependent upon the couples themselves; the more actively
they participate in the Conferences, the more lasting will be the
effects and the more closely will they be tied in with the
Movement. Moreover, its activity must proceed from the laity; the
clergy provide only the necessary direction and encouragement.


Pre-Cana

In dioceses in which the Cana Movement has been popularized, Pre-
Cana Conferences have been encouraged and enthusiastically
received. These Conferences are forums for the pre-engaged and
engaged couples. Priests, doctors, and lay persons engaged in the
work endorse it whole-heartedly.

The ideals of Christian Marriage must be re-taught to our young
people in a manner that will captivate their minds and hearts to
bring them to a realization that marriage is a vocation just as
surely as is the priesthood and the religious life. Therefore,
young people of sixteen years of age and up are invited to
participate in the Pre-Cana Conferences. The forum is usually
held one night a week for four weeks. The first talk is given by
a priest; the second is by a physician who is also available for
private consultation on questions that could not be broached
publicly without embarrassment; the third talk is a combined
discussion by a Catholic married couple; and the last talk is
given by the priest. This arrangement solves the problem of
questions that demand answers by a priest, and at the same time
provides the priest with an opportunity to tie up all four
sessions into one compact, complementary whole.


Marriage Inventory

While there are many successful methods of solving individual
marital difficulties, the Cana Conference Movement is the only
method thus far tried and found successful in removing the basic
causes of unhappiness and maladjustment in marriage. Partners in
Christian marriage are theoretically aware of the principles of
right living in holy wedlock, but in our day, they are inclined
to lose sight of the fact that the career of marriage is very
much a spiritual life, a vocation to a particular way of sanctity
and that married Catholics have no reason to seek outside of
their chosen vocation any other means of achieving their
supernatural destiny. To be a full life and a happy one, married
life must draw constantly upon the sources of spiritual power and
strength. It is a vocation and a spiritual endeavor of great
importance, in which God has an intense interest, because through
marriage, partners share in God's power of creation; as parents,
they are instruments of His Divine Providence. They have also a
share in Christ's work of teaching, ruling, and sanctifying.

In other words, Cana Conferences are one means of teaching
Catholics to think habitually of marriage as one of the seven
sacraments. Thus conceived, the life to which this sacrament
delegates them will be characterized by reverence, dignity, and
supernaturalized emotions everywhere along the line, from the
first days of courtship to the end of life. Thus conceived,
marriage is the genuine Catholic's way of coming to know, love
and serve God, and thus being happy with all the happiness of
God.


The St. Cloud Plan

Most recent and most outstanding is the pre-nuptial education
program conducted in the diocese of St. Cloud, Minnesota, under
the guidance and direct supervision of his Excellency, the Most
Reverend Peter W. Bartholome, D.D., Bishop of St. Cloud, who is
also the episcopal chairman of the Family Life Bureau. Engaged
couples, and those expecting to be married within one year, are
invited to participate in the course which is conducted during
Lent each year. The fifteen lessons of the Ottawa Marriage
Preparation Course entitled "This is a Great Sacrament" serve as
a basis. In this sparsely settled diocese (the total population
is little more than that of the city of Providence) more than
1600 engaged couples have been thus prepared for marriage. A
certificate, the design of which is reproduced at the head of
this chapter, is given to the couple on the completion of their
"novitiate" to marriage. The course is now being taken by
correspondence in every State in the U. S., and in almost every
foreign country of the world.

Marriage is more than a partnership; it is the fusion of two
lives. And just as the carpenter must make accurate measurements
and skillfully use the saw and chisel in joining two irregular
surfaces, so must the partners to the marriage contract
thoughtfully and deliberately measure their individual
differences and use the saw and chisel of religious inspiration
and self-discipline if they are to achieve the blissful union
that is the basis of permanent marital happiness. God's help is
always available to those of good will who cooperate with the
supernatural graces that accompany the reception of the sacrament
of Matrimony.


Happy Marriage

Happy marriages are not made in Heaven. They are made on earth by
facing down-to-earth realities. They are made by partners who set
out to learn slowly how to build their lives together. More than
any other earthly vocation, married life is a labor of love and
married love is a love of giving. It is within the reach of all
those who do not reject God's Grace, deny His assistance, abandon
His love, and degrade their own.

There are two philosophies therefore, that govern the success or
failure of marriages; one is that philosophy by which married
couples live their lives according to the rule: Is it fun? These
people shun anything and everything that is difficult and dull.
In the other attitude toward marriage, lives are regulated, rule:
What is God's will?

Those who base their lives first of these principles will be
inevitably unhappily married. But those who pattern their lives
according to God's plan, will raise their marriage to the heights
of the sublime and beautiful ideal that God intended it to be and
will walk down the road of life together toward the celestial
beatitude that is the fulfillment of that ideal: the perfect
happiness that God never intended to be found in this life. They
will bear in mind, day by day, that Christ came not to remove our
crosses, but to help us bear them. And when storm clouds gather
on the horizon of their lives together they will go together to
the altar of God to seek and find that help.


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. What do you understand by the word "inspiration"?

2. Show how the Catholic attitude toward Marriage is opposed to
the attitude of worldlings.

3. Why is preparation for the reception of the sacrament of
Matrimony so important?

4. Identify the following: Bishop Bartholome, Father Edgar
Schmiedeler, Father John P. Delaney.

5. What is the National Catholic Conference on Family Life?

6. What was the Family Renewal Association?

7. Who gave the name "Cana" to conferences for married couples?

8. Is a Cana Conference a kind of Retreat?

9. What is meant by Pre-Cana Conferences?

10. What part do the laity play in a successful Cana Conference?

11. Describe the "St. Cloud plan" of pre-nuptial instruction.

12. Is the theme of the Catholic Family Movement spiritual or
material?


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. When young men and women have received a thoroughly Catholic
education, are not Cana Conferences superfluous?

2. Why cannot priests engaged in parish work accomplish the
objectives of the Cana Movement in their pulpit discourses?

3. Does not the Church teach that discussions of matters of sex
should be confined to the confessional?

4. How can a Cana Conference be organized on a parochial basis?

5. How can irreverence and frivolity be effectively excluded from
Cana discussions?

6. Is there not a danger of scandal in admitting some young
people to pre-Cana forums?

7. How is the expense of the Cana Conference kept at a minimum?



IV. GETTING MEALS

BY MR. AND MRS. CHARLES F. REYNOLDS

Mr. and Mrs. Charles F. Reynolds were married in the Fall of
1929, and are the parents of ten children. Mr. Reynolds is a
former college athlete of renown, and a graduate of Providence
College in the class of 1926. He is in business in Providence.

Introduction by Father Clark

IT IS appropriate that on this the Feast of St. Joseph we should
have a married couple, representative of Catholic Family life,
address this group which is preparing for marriage. In the recent
past the public has been regaled with descriptions of large
families, especially on the humorous side. The best sellers that
have been made into movies have pointed up the funny side of
family life. One needs a sense of humor, there is no question
about it, especially to raise a large family. In presenting Mr.
and Mrs. Reynolds, parents of ten children, we allege that they
are qualified from their experience alone, even had they not
stopped to think about the issue, to answer most of the questions
you may care to ask on family living. While it seems true that
most of the books and speeches on modern family living have come
from "bachelor uncles," it does not mean that those who are
living family life have nothing to add to this collection of
wisdom.

This evening's program will vary in that the first part, instead
of being in lecture form, will be after the manner of
"Information Please," with your chairman asking the questions and
our guests answering them.

FR. CLARK--Mr. Reynolds, as most Rhode Islanders and even most
people in New England know, you got into the newspapers a long
time ago by pitching the Providence College Friars to a victory
in a 20-inning baseball game against Brown University. We are
proud of you for that, of course. But I would like to ask if Mrs.
Reynolds were in the stands cheering for you on that famous day?

MRS. REYNOLDS--NO, I didn't know Charlie at that time. He was
already the famous boy when I met him.

Fr. C.--I understand that your married life didn't have too fancy
a beginning because you were married on the day of the Stock
Market Crash.

Mr. R.--That is true.

Fr. C.--Is it true that when you got back from your wedding trip
you had no job?

Mr. R.--Oh, I had a job all right, but I didn't have very much
money to start with.


Money

Fr. C.--Would you say that those who place a great deal of
importance on money are getting off to a bad start?

Mr. R.--I read recently that a national survey attributed to
money the main source of conflict in marriage. It wasn't a
question of having too much or having too little; but how it was
to be spent. I don't think a couple need everything their parents
had before them. But they should have a little reserve and have
their furniture and honeymoon paid for so that by the time they
arrive back home they can start off on an even keel. It's nice to
have some money in the bank, but I don't think it is entirely
necessary. It wasn't in our case.

Fr. C.--Do you think that a couple ought to submit to a lower
standard than move in with in-laws?

Mr. R.--You have to qualify the answer to that. In some cases it
is a good thing to move in with in-laws. There are cases where it
works out well. But ordinarily, two families under one roof do
not work out well.


Budget

Fr. C.--What do you think of a budget for a young married couple?
Do you think it is helpful?

Mrs. R.--Yes, I do. I think the couple should sit down together
and work it out. Of course, even with a budget, unforeseen
expenses come up and you just don't have enough to meet them.
Some people place a lot of importance upon a budget, but many
others work it in reverse: they spend whatever they have and keep
account of where it goes. Instead of setting aside certain
amounts, in particular departments, they spend all they have and
keep tabs on what they have spent. Most people never have too
much, and for that reason a planned budget will help to make what
they have meet the necessities. Someone has said recently that
the economic goods are to be divided into three classes:
necessities, comforts, and luxuries. And that no couple should
have the comforts until they have the necessities, and no
luxuries until they have the comforts. I am sure that if people
don't have the money to spend they will not get the luxuries even
before they have the necessities. They must work it out together.

Fr. C.--What about household expenses? Do you think the couple
should plan together, or do you think that this part of the
management should be left entirely to the woman?

Mrs. R.--I think this is where the budget comes into its own. And
it should be made out together. Make a list. Plan well for your
light, heat, food, and other necessities, and allow a margin for
doctor's bills. And then, of course, if you have a little bit
left over you can tuck it away for a rainy day. You have just so
much to live on, and you must stay within your means.

Fr. C.--Do you think that the husband should do all the shopping
for the food and things of that sort?

Mr. R.~--Definitely not! I'll leave that to the good wife.

Mrs. R.--It depends on the size of the family when it comes to
buying the food. Take mine, for instance. I buy my meats
wholesale. I am sure most large families buy that way. With a
small family, it is necessary to be more careful in buying food.

Fr. C.--Did you learn some of the tricks of marketing by being a
member of a large family?

Mrs. R.--Yes, I did. I learned quite a bit from my mother because
I watched her take care of a large family. Of course, I didn't
know that I was going to have a large family, but I am very glad
I kept my eyes open when I was at home.


Who's Boss?

Fr. C.--You said a moment ago that the married couple should work
out things together. I wonder if that isn't the secret of success
in married life in every department. The question might be stated
in another way: Who is boss in your house, the husband or the
wife?

Mrs. R.--There just isn't any boss in our house. We really work
out things together. Everything is done on a partnership basis. I
don't see any necessity for a boss in the home. I think that the
husband and wife, the father and mother, should stick together
and plan and work these things out together. That is really the
way it should be done, I think. Where this partnership is
concerned, one person is not a dictator with all the others
taking orders.

Mr. R.--I subscribe entirely to that. It is the only way married
life will succeed--each of the partners cooperating with the
other.

Fr. C.--That gives rise to several other questions. I know that
it is advised by some marriage guidance clinics that husbands and
wives should take separate vacations.

Mrs. R.--That's out. I feel that people who want separate
vacations should never get married. They are not prepared to take
each other for better or for worse, in rainy days and sunny days.

Mr. R.--I think that the and wife should have a vacation. It is
good for them to get away, but together. They married each other;
they should stay with each other; they should enjoy each other
and relax together on a vacation. But I certainly do not approve
of separate vacations.

Fr. C.--What do you think of these people who get married with
plans all laid so that the husband will have one night out each
week to spend "with the boys?"

Mrs. R.--If he wants to be a drugstore cowboy, he should stay
single. He couldn't be with you enough before you were married;
why does he have to leave you alone afterwards?

Mr. R.--I think there is another angle to that question. There
are times when a business man needs to go out and meet business
associates. And I believe that it is not wrong for the wife to
belong to a bridge club, or have some other outside interest.

Mrs. R.--Yes, I agree to all that, and we know we do those
things. There is no reason why the husband can't take care of
business and even belong to a fraternal he chooses; but just to
hang around the corner and talk things over--there's no necessity
for that. He could stay home and do the dishes, or some other
chore around the house.

Fr. C.--Do you subscribe to that, Mr. Reynolds?

Mr. R.--I do, Father. There will be no difficulty between the
husband and wife if there is understanding between them.


Working Wives

Fr. C.--Another question related to money--What do you think,
Mrs. Reynolds, of the wife working to supplement the family
income?

Mrs. R.--If it is absolutely necessary it is all right for the
wife to work. But when there are small children to be cared for,
the mother belongs in the home. The child needs the mother's care
right from the beginning. But, I suppose, if they are near
destitution, that is another thing. But leaving children in the
care of others always poses a problem. It is not easy to find
someone who is capable and otherwise qualified to care for your
children while you go to work. And by the time you pay someone to
care for the children, you are not much ahead by working.
Certainly, I would say, the mother belongs in the home. Someone
wrote just recently that the wife and mother staying at home
could earn almost as much for the family, except in extraordinary
cases where she is earning a big salary, as she would if she went
to business. By staying home she would save on special lunches,
and extra clothes, since she would not have to dress so
expensively at home. In most cases, she would be better off to
stay at home than to pay someone to take care of the home and
children, unless she is a highly paid career woman. But the
children would suffer even if she were highly paid.


Child? or Children?

Fr. C.--We know that a couple gets married because they are in
love with each other and they say that they are very happy with
each other. But how important to the happiness of marriage is the
child? Do you think the couple will remain happy without
children?

Mrs. R.--I think that children are very necessary in every home.
I couldn't imagine living without children. It would be a very
long, lonesome life. Of course, we have a lot of them, and we
never have a dull moment; so I couldn't imagine not having a
family.

Fr. C.--Mr. Reynolds, do you have anything to say on this
question?

Mr. R.--I think Mrs. Reynolds has covered the question pretty
well. But I might add that I believe that those who are not
blessed with children of their own should adopt them if their
situation is such that they could manage it. The child cements
the relationship between the husband and wife and gives a reason
for the home. Monsignor Sheen says that it takes three to make
love--father, mother, and child. This is the perfect triangle,
not the so-called eternal triangle of conflict; but rather the
perfect triangle of completed love.

Fr. C.--Regarding this question of adoption, you hear people say
that they don't know much about children who are up for adoption;
there is often no information available about the parents, the
child has gotten off to a bad start in life, and may have
questionable heredity, etc.

Mr. R.--I think the same way as Father Flannagan of Boys Town. He
said that there is no such thing as a bad boy, and to my way of
thinking that goes for the girl too. If these children are
adopted when they are small and guided through life carefully,
they would help the foster parents to be very happy with them. No
one knows what the future of any child will be. But with the
proper care and guidance on the part of the parents the child
will usually turn out all right. No one knows infallibly just how
a child will grow up. Even though he may have the best of care
and heredity, there is still that unpredictable thing called
"human nature." Sometimes, children from the very best of
families will turn out to be "bad eggs." I have never heard of a
couple who have adopted a child who have not been blessed beyond
the average. I once heard it said that it seems to be in the plan
of Divine Providence that some married couples will go childless
just so that the unfortunate children born out of wedlock will
have a home with care and loving attention.


Homemaking

Fr. C.--Here is a question for Mrs. Reynolds. In these days when
the High Schools are placing more emphasis on homemaking, do you
think this should be left to the schools, or should the mother
teach her daughters to cook and sew and other domestic arts?

Mrs. R.--In that department, the children can usually learn more
from the mother. The schools do teach them a lot, but the mother
should not leave it to them, but should teach them all she can.
It helps both the daughter and the mother.


Dad, a Pal

Fr. C.--Here is one for the "father department." We have been
told that parents should have their children while they are young
and that they should "grow up" with their children. How can a
father find time to grow up with his sons and daughters?

Mr. R.--I think he should make a pal of them. He should take the
sons, and daughters too, for that matter, to sports events, and
if he has time on week-ends he should play sports with them. All
boys like sports, and if the father can spend the time with them
he will easily make a pal of them. He should also be close to his
daughters, so that his daughters will confide in him as well as
in the mother. This helps to make a better future for the boy and
girl. I feel that the father should spend all the spare time he
has with his children. He owes it to his wife, too, to help care
for the children as much as he can.


Discipline for Children

Fr. C.--What about the times when the children get fractious and
need discipline.

Mr. R.--I believe in a system of rewards and punishments for the
sake of discipline. When the children are in school, for
instance, and they become delinquent in their studies, they
should be deprived of privileges until their marks get back to
normal. And around the house, if they are helpful they should be
rewarded. It takes a lot of imagination to keep up with them, and
in trying to keep up with them our pooled imagination still
sometimes lags behind.

Mrs. R.--This is one time when the partnership between husband
and wife is of extreme importance. They must present a united
front to their children, and not give them the impression that
they can "get by" with something on the mother, but not with the
father. If the father corrects the child, the mother must support
him, and vice versa.

Fr. C.--Our time has just about run out, and we have almost run
the gamut. So we will have our brief intermission and continue
with the question period.


QUESTION PERIOD

Question: How do you utilize your time during a typical day?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) They are all typical days, as far as I am
concerned. But to begin at the beginning, I usually arise at
7:15--during Lent it is earlier because I have been trying to get
to the seven o'clock Mass every morning--and of course the first
thing is breakfast for the children. After that I drive them to
school and when I get back home I sit down and have my own
breakfast. Then it is a day full of dishes, dry mops and dusting,
and then I do the marketing. By then it's lunch time and they're
home again and dishes again. If I have hurried in the morning and
have the ironing done I may get down-town a while in the
afternoon. If not, it's down with the ironing board and iron some
more. Then they're home again and milling around wondering:
"what's for dinner?" All they do is eat, it seems. But there are
days when I manage to get out of the house for a few hours. It is
usually a good long day in the home of a large family.


Question: Please give the ages and sex of your ten children.

Answer: (Mrs. R.) The names will help tell the story: Sally Ann--
19, Charles, Jr.--18, Lynn--17, Jim--16, Joe--15, Mike--13,
Peter--12, Paul--11, J. Howard--10, and Jane--5.


Question: How many baby sitters does it take to handle ten
children when you go out?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) Sally Ann and Lynn stay with them when we go
out, and they can handle them pretty well.


Question: Which are harder to raise, boys or girls?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) In my case I would say that they are all alike.
With so many boys the girls had to learn to take care of
themselves. But I don't see much difference, except perhaps, the
boys are inclined to be tougher. They would like to play football
in the house if you let them.


Question: Do you have a maid or do you do your own house work?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) I had a maid for years, but she got married and
I just decided that I wouldn't have one any more. You have more
privacy. I like to have help on the heavy jobs of house-cleaning,
but when I think of having a maid again I usually decide to do
the work myself.


Question: If you spent a large sum of money on your daughter's
college education would you expect her to work for a long time
before she gets married? Do you think she owes it to her parents?

Answer: (Mr. R.) Certainly not! Children are not made for
parents. It is the parents' duty to their children if they can
afford it. It is true that a child can never repay what the
parents have done for him. But there are too many parents who
think that just because they gave things to their children at a
sacrifice they should intrude on their children's welfare in
order to get back penny for penny, what has been invested in
them. That sort of thing would be very selfish on the part of
parents.


Question: Do you think, assuming that a couple is going to live
with in-laws, they have a better chance with her folks than with
his folks?

Answer: (Mr. R.) As we said before, this works out well in some
cases, especially where a parent is alone. But as a rule, it
seems, when the couple lives with the wife's relatives it works
out better.


Question: Approximately how much money does it take each week to
support ten children?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) There is never enough!


Question: Do you think it is a good idea to patch up any quarrel
that may have occurred before the end of the day?

Answer: (Mr. R.) I definitely do. We have had differences just as
any married couple would. But before the day ended we sat down
and talked it out to clear up any misunderstanding. When you
analyze these arguments they usually don't mean a thing.


Question: What do you do when you get on each other's nerves?

Answer: (Mr. R.) It sometimes happens that one will have the
nerves a little closer to the surface on one day than on another.
But I think I have already answered that question by saying it
all depends on an understanding between husband and wife.

(Mrs. R.) When the husband has had a hard day and is nervous and
upset, the wife can usually tell what mood he is in as soon as he
opens the door. Then the best thing for the wife to do (and the
husband too) is to keep quiet and you won't get on his nerves.


Question: Should the husband help with the housework?

Answer: (Mr. R.) When we were first married, I used to help.

(Mrs. R.) I don't think it hurts the man to dry a few dishes now
and then, especially on Sunday when he is hanging around the
house.


Question: How old should a boy or girl be before they "go
steady?"

Answer: (Mrs. R.) That rather puts me on the spot, but anyway,
this is what I think: When I was a youngster we didn't think of
going steady until we were older than the High School age. Today
it seems that as soon as youngsters get into High School they
have steady dates. They don't "play the field" as we did. That is
too young, I think. They should meet different people and have
many friends rather than restrict their attentions to one, alone.
I am not opposed to boys and girls meeting socially, but it
should be at parties in the home rather than on dates.


Question: Would you advise a couple to wait an extra six months
before marrying so that the man can finish his college education
and get a job to make sure they will have the necessities of
life?

Answer: (Mr. R.) Since the war, we have men in college who are
older, having gone through the war and are now being educated
under the G. I. Bill of Rights. Some of these are married. In my
time in college such a thing was not tolerated. You were expelled
if you got married. But now, the number of Veterans returning to
college is diminishing and soon that problem will not exist. But
I think it is all right for a man to get married while he is in
college as long as he recognizes the problems that he will have
to face, and as long as the wife is willing to face them with
him. They will have difficulties, but both must work together and
understand each other to make a success of their marriage under
such circumstances. Our experience has been that each time God
blessed us with a child a new opportunity presented itself to me,
and I was fortunate in that each child seemed to bring something
new by way of help to take care of him. I think that the Lord
will provide for anyone with a large family, providing, of
course, he uses a little energy of his own. It is true that some
large families are in financial distress, but it is not usually
because of the large number of children, but some other
circumstances, such as sickness, unemployment, poor management,
or some other condition.


Question: How can you get along with in-laws?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) It is true that you cannot avoid in-laws. But
their reasonable opinion is to be respected. If their opinion is
prejudiced and they seem unreasonable, then they can be ignored.
In-laws, with their advantage of age, which usually brings
prudent judgment, should be consulted on serious problems. They
have already gone through most of the problems the young couple
is just now facing. Their seasoned judgment usually can help. But
if it is prejudiced and unreasonable, ignore it!


Question: Would a person coming from a large family find
happiness by marrying an only child?

Answer: (Mrs. R.) It would seem to me that if both parties came
from large families they would have a similar background, and
therefore be better able to understand each other. But it is not
impossible for an only child to find happiness in marriage with
one from a large family. The trouble is that the only child may
be selfish, and there just isn't room for selfishness in
marriage. One thing in the only child's favor is that he has been
so alone, he might be inclined to make up for that in marriage
and have a large family as a result.


Question: Should the husband hand over his entire pay to his
wife?

Answer: (Mr. R.) That goes back to the question of the budget,
and that should be worked out together with care and patient
understanding. The husband is the breadwinner, but he is not
making the money so that he can have it, but so that the family
can have it. Just because he works for wages or for a salary
doesn't give him a right to spend it on himself.


Question: Would it be more Catholic to have eight or ten children
looking "the worse for want of clothing and food" than to have
three or four children and give them the good things of life?

Answer: (Mr. R.) God takes care of those things; you cannot
control them. If God blesses you with children, He will give you
the means to see that they are properly brought up. They may not
have all of the luxuries of life, but in the end they will be
good Christian children and good American citizens.


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. Is it necessary to have a bank account to get married?

2. What is a budget?

3. Who should plan the budget, husband or wife?

4. Is it necessary that one of the married partners be "boss"?

5. Should the husband have one night out a week with "the boys"?

6. Is it good for the mother to work outside the home?

7. How important to the happiness of marriage is the child?

8. Should a childless couple adopt a child?

9. Who said "There's no such thing as a bad boy"?

10. What do you mean by the expression "the father should grow up
with the children"?

11. Should children be punished and/or rewarded for the sake of
discipline?

12. Is it important for parents to be firm with their children
where discipline is concerned?


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. Can persons expect happiness when they marry for money?

2. Is it true that "when poverty comes in the door, love flies
out the window?"

3. How important is it for men and women to recognize the
psychological differences between them?

4. How important is it for the parties in marriage to remember
anniversaries, birthdays, etc.?

5. Should the wife take an interest in her husband's business?

6. Is it good for either father or mother to have a favorite
child?

7. What do you think is a minimum salary requirement for a family
with three or four children?



V. Getting the Facts

BY A CATHOLIC PHYSICIAN

The "Catholic Physician," who is author of the following paper,
prefers to remain anonymous because it is in keeping with medical
ethics and also for personal reasons. It is sufficient to say
that he is a product of Catholic education and an obstetrician of
wide experience.

I SPEAK tonight as a Catholic doctor under the auspices of a
Catholic college on the subject of Catholic marriage to Catholic
students and their friends. Among the friends must be members of
other faiths. To them I say that I'll not talk a word of
controversy. Agree that humans have spirituality, and a believing
person of any faith does, and you'll like what I say tonight. So
open your hearts and listen.

Being a public speaker neither by inclination nor training, I
approach this lecture tonight with true humility and not a little
trepidation. I wrote most of this talk during the Novena of
Grace. My prayer was that the Holy Spirit would touch my mind and
help me to accomplish the perfection demanded for this occasion.
My prayer tonight is that He touch my mind and my lips, and your
ears and your minds, that in so involved a subject as marriage, I
may say what is right and you may rightly interpret what I say.
Let this be our special invocation.

When you talk on sex and marriage, you are certain to touch on
many physiologic facts that have moral ramifications. However,
I'm no moralist and I'm not talking morals here tonight.

I will outline the social and biologic background of modern
secular marriage, then bring out the pertinent anatomy,
physiology, and psychology of the sexes. Lastly we will tie the
loose ends together in a discussion of the psychosomatics of
marriage--a relatively new term by which medical science at least
is again admitting that man has spirituality as well as a
physical nature. Medicine was deeply secularized. But physicians
have been the first scientists to admit their error. You can
secularize biology and speak of man and guinea pigs in the same
breath, but a doctor cannot cure a man of a disease by treating
him like a laboratory animal. So now we have the psychosomatics
of all disease entities, the effect of the disease on the total
man--body and soul. Now marriage is diseased today--with a
frightening mortality rate of 25% in 1946. I know of few diseases
with a higher mortality rate. Secularized, godless marriage is a
major disease of society. And the cure is going to be found along
spiritual lines. Medicine today is stressing psychosomatics. It
can't otherwise cure human beings. And when our social scientists
give man's spirituality the dominant place it deserves in
marriage and all human relations then marriage and this socially
sick world of ours will be cured of its worst ills.


"Modern" Marriage

Until recently Catholic marriage presented no great problems. Why
does it present problems today? Largely, because our society has
been changing during the first half of this century, at an almost
cataclysmic rate. The institution of marriage, the cornerstone of
any society, has been caught in these changes. Catholic marriage
has held rigidly to its traditional norms and customs. Too much
of the rest of society has accepted a new marriage--"modern
marriage." The danger today is that too many Catholics, accusing
the Church of being old-fashioned and out of touch with the
times, are accepting modern marriage as the real thing.

Modern secular marriage is relatively new. Like so many things in
our culture, it found its seed in the great mass of new,
materialistic, scientific knowledge brought forth in the last
half of the Nineteenth Century, that reduced man from his
traditional role as a son of God, to that of a brother of the
animals. The Freudian concept of sexuality took root here and in
turn it affected man's concept of marriage as did nothing since
the new force of Christianity centuries earlier. Modern marriage
was nourished by the new secularism that took God, paradoxically
enough, even out of religion; and also out of education, and all
of life. It grew with the new-found, highly developed
individualism with its corresponding weakening of social
controls.

Urbanization, the mass migration to the cities, and its
concomitant industrialization, provided further rich soil to
strengthen it. It moved millions of mothers from the home to the
factory, attending machines instead of children. It made the
child, who for centuries had been a help on the farm, at first a
less useful tool of industry and then with the enactment of child
labor laws, an outright economic burden. Urbanization brought
prenatal and well-baby clinics and hospitalization for safe
delivery and thus the cost of bearing and rearing children was
multiplied. More and more unwanted, they in turn became
neglected. Here entered the crusading Birth Controllers. It is
only charitable to say that almost without exception they were
misguided, untrained, shallow-thinking zealots who attempted
radically to eliminate effects rather than patiently reshape
causes. They accomplished little in reducing the number of
children, but they did succeed in prostituting man's conception
of the marriage act, and effectively persuaded the unthinking
millions and the selfish few that children were to be accepted as
a burden once or twice and after that only in so far as Nature
could not be controlled.

And lastly, universal modern education with its emphasis on
freedom of expression without any reasonable restraints or
discipline, helped modern marriage to reach finally and quickly,
large numbers and to take a central place in the landscape of the
new society, leaving the old, traditional Christian marriage in
its shade.


A Hybrid

Modern Marriage, then, has come into being as an off-shoot of all
these new forces. It is presented now as a hybrid with
deceptively little trace of the original seed. But remember, it
took seed in naturalism, materialism, and atheism. If it ran true
to stock it would today teach that marriage is but the union of a
male and female animal, solely to perpetuate life and the
species. Generation, it would say, a blind compulsive force, is
the fist commandment of nature. Motherly love, also blind and
compulsive, is the second commandment. Love is but a powerful
instinct. Insects, as well as man and woman, make love. And above
all, man admits of no spirituality any more than the rest of
nature. Now some scientists teach those things today. At the
human level they logically teach free love before marriage and
concubinage in marriage, thus combining the social advantages of
monogamy for the children with cohabitation for the male, which
they consider proper to his nature. Easy divorce settles the few
difficulties that could arise in such a so-called natural free
society. That is what the naturalistic philosophers teach to be
marriage. And give them credit at least for consistency. But they
were so consistent that the common ordinary thinking man sensed
their inhumanity and rejected them. Man will stand for human love
being called the same thing as the force that brings two love
birds together cooing at each other on the branch of a blossoming
tree. That is beautiful. That could be love, all right. But,
these philosophers are not satisfied to stop there. They debate
whether man's ability to paint represents as high a development
of the color sense as that displayed by certain species of birds.
To the ordinary man, that doesn't make sense. Then the cold
rascals come up with a real shocker. For instance--and I take
this from one of their writings--they describe the beautiful love
of two vultures mating in the carcass of a dead horse. That
chills the ordinary man. That, he is somehow sure, is false. That
is not beautiful. That is not love. But the philosophers who have
given us the hybrid that is passed off as modern marriage, steer
away from these too consistent naturalists. They tell us a little
bit of pre-marital sex experience is desirable if it is done
intelligently enough to avoid pregnancy. A little philandering in
marriage is in keeping with man's polygamous nature and is to be
accepted and winked at. We must have contraception and easy
divorce if man is to enjoy the full freedom of action that is his
right. All these new ideas might trouble man's conscience, pardon
me, his sub-conscious, so they do away with a personal God and
substitute a vague notion of humanity.


"But, There is a God"

That is the inseparable social and biologic background of modern
marriage. Now, either there is no God, man is just an animal, the
mating of the vultures is love, and the materialists are right;
or God exists, man has a spiritual as well as a physical nature
and marriage is the union of two immortal beings bound forever by
a powerful, beautiful, spiritual force--love. The principles
underlying the two philosophies are totally incompatible--an
attempt to mix them in any proportion flies against reason. The
more materialism is mixed into a philosophy of marriage, the
surer are its vow-takers to end up unhappy and in failure. And
remember--this is basic--in any discussion of marriage, at the
extremes you embrace the philosophy of Catholic marriage or the
vultures.


Heredity

A man and a woman on the threshold of marriage have certain
spiritual, physical, psychological, and emotional resources that
are more or less manifest. From them we can predict the success
or failure of a marriage with some accuracy. They are the
important things. A very minor consideration are the hereditary
resources of the couple. Some of this is manifest; most is masked
in hidden assets and liabilities. Most present here tonight, I
know, have a working knowledge of genetics; for those who do not,
let us recall a few basic facts. There is no family tree that
does not have some undesirable skeleton in the closet--insanity,
epilepsy, diabetes, some malformation or other, to name but a
few. The important thing to remember is that there is no family
tree, now perhaps millions of years old, that has not some
undesirable branches. The undesirable branch of your tree might
not show in this generation, but may in the next or the next. Any
family tree will be weak in some things, strong in others. But
except for very rare instances, one family can look another in
the eye and rightly say: "We are no better than you are, but
we'll be darned if we're not as good." Fortunately, most
undesirable characteristics and diseases arise from genes that
are recessive and tend to be weeded out. A recessive, such as a
tendency to schizophrenia, can never show in an offspring unless
it is present in the family trees of both parents. Even then it
is extremely rare. Related family trees are apt to have the same
undesirable recessive, and that is why marriages are forbidden
within the third degree of kindred.

Another principle to remember is that acquired characteristics
are not hereditary--lameness from Polio, for example. That is an
acquired characteristic and never hereditary. There are diseases
which are inherited from genes that are dominant--creeping
paralysis is one. These dominant, lethal genes are rare. If a
person did not have such an inherited disease, but a parent did,
the chances of transmitting it would be nil. When we leave
characteristics and begin to talk about hereditary traits and
tendencies, we find that these are even more difficult to assay
and predict. When all is said on the subject of heredity and
marriage, there are four worthwhile rules to remember. One:--Take
a look at the family tree of the person you are courting, the
mother, the father, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles and you
can get a pretty good idea, whether from it will come little
acorns, or little chestnuts, or what is more important, little
screwballs. Two:--If you have any fears about heredity, have them
settled by a competent authority before marriage. Three: choose a
partner who epitomizes "sana mens in sano corpore"--a sound mind
in a sound body--and let the devil worry about hidden undesirable
characteristics. Four:--Remember that at the time of conception
the genes of the two partners are shaken up much like a pair of
dice. When you are married and are hoping for a child, it is wise
to ask God to stack the dice in favor of that little person to be
conceived. If He will, there is nothing to worry about, because
there is no undesirable dominant characteristic that is inherited
in a proportion higher than one in two, and with God watching
over the dice, as it were, you can always get the child of your
dreams and miss little "snake eyes." So much for heredity.

We will turn now to the anatomy, physiology, and psychology of
the sexes. A basic knowledge of all three is necessary for a man
and woman to understand and love each other.


Anatomy of Sex

Bookshelves are filled with treatises on marriage, all with the
anatomy of sex adequately and usually profusely illustrated. It
is a good idea to take such a book along on one's wedding trip.
Before that time we have to strike a balance between innocence
and a knowledge of sex anatomy which is essential to a knowledge
of the physiology of sex. A minimum background knowledge of
anatomy then seems desirable and necessary. It can be presented
briefly using symbols and employing a comparative technic, that
could spoil the innocence or offend the sensibilities of no one
mature enough to attend these lectures.

When the embryo is about two months old, the two sexes are
indistinguishable both externally and internally. Using symbols
to illustrate, the picture is this:

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Each circle is an undifferentiated internal sex gland, later to
be an ovary or testis. There are two duct systems in every
embryo, the broken line the male, the solid line the female. The
square and the rectangles represent the undifferentiated external
genitalia. If things develop completely and it is very
exceptional if they do not, the rectangles representing the
genital folds receive the male sex gland when it descends. The
female internal sex gland descends only as far as the pelvis and
remains an internal organ. The genital tubercle represented by
the square becomes the erectile tissue of either sex. The male
duct system develops into narrow tubes to transmit the male sex
cells, the spermatozoa. The female duct system develops into the
tubes to transmit the female sex cell, the ovum; the uterus, to
nourish and house the fertilized ovum; and the vagina, the
external passage to allow the developed products of conception to
reach the outside world. The extra duct system of either embryo
degenerates and disappears.

The sexes in their origins then are completely alike. In all
respects other than the organs of generation, male and female are
very similar anatomically, but in every respect the male organ,
say the heart, is bigger and stronger than the female indicating,
right at the start, that, the feminists to the contrary, God did
not create the sexes equal. Over and over again we will see that
as we go along. Male and female are seldom equal, but they do not
compete with each other; they complement each other. Anatomically
speaking, God obviously meant man and woman to come together in
marital union and complete their otherwise incomplete natures.
There is no reason for a male genital apparatus to produce and
transmit the male sex cells, spermatozoa, if there were no female
sex apparatus to receive and unite with and develop the seed. And
likewise, the female sex apparatus is unintelligible without the
male component. That is all you need to know about the anatomy of
sex to understand intelligently God's design, which is even more
interestingly revealed by a brief study of the physiology of the
sexes.


Requirements for Marriage

Before leaving the anatomy, let us say a word about the minimal
physical and mental requirements for marriage. A person must be
able physically to perform the sex union or if not, marriage is
impossible. If there is a development anomally the time to
discover it is before marriage. Surgery can correct most defects.
If it cannot, and the marriage has taken place, there may be the
embarrassment of an annulment. This has happened; so it can
happen. There are less serious deficiencies that have to be
individually appraised. For instance, should a person marry who
has been hospitalized more than once for a major mental illness?
Is it wise for a woman to marry who knows that she has a fatal
form of hypertension, likely to be aggravated by pregnancy? Any
serious disease should be revealed and appraised before marriage,
its risks known and accepted by both partners. "A sound mind in a
sound body" is one of the foundation stones of a happy marriage.


Physiology of Sex

Now we will take up the physiology of sex. The physiology of the
female is much more complicated than that of the male, because
while the marriage act ends with the physical union for the
latter, for the female it may activate a gestation period of nine
months. To take up the male physiology first:--The internal sex
organ, the testis, from puberty on, is continually forming
millions of motile cells--the spermatozoa, microscopic cells with
a head, and a tail for locomotion. These sperms are capable of
uniting with the female sex cell, the ovum or egg, in what is
called fertilization. Actually only one does. Millions are formed
apparently so that surely one will reach the female sex cell.
This is not a perfect explanation because a lot less than two
hundred to four hundred million, the actual number deposited at
sex union, would guarantee that one would reach the ovum. Only
recently it has been discovered that the others, previously
thought wasted, secrete a substance which dissolves a resistant
membrane around the ovum, enabling one sperm to unite with it. To
this point there is an attraction between the male and female sex
cells much like the attraction between the negative and positive
sides of an electric circuit. Once contact is made between the
ovum and sperm, the attraction is neutralized, the circuit is
closed as it were, and there is no further attraction.


The Man

Sperm production is continuous. Differing with the individual,
when large numbers are manufactured and stored, there is a sex
tension set up, the intensity of which varies according to the
individual. Mental activity seems to mitigate the sex drive and
lessen fertility in the male. To control the sex drive is no
problem whatever in the life of a normal man. Many husbands sell
their wives the idea that it is, and begin talking about rights
and duties. There are physiologic outlets for the physical
component and the psychic tensions can be sublimated and thus
channeled into other activities. That is normal human male sex
physiology. A man who is a sex addict, who centers his very
existence around sexuality, will find any reasonable continence
in or out of marriage a source of psychical and physical
discomfort. The morphine addict does too when he is deprived of
his drug. One is as pathologic as the other. All this is said to
refute the idea that continence is harmful in the male in or out
of marriage. In a sex addict it is. But not in a normal man and
that is one of the first principles of married sex life. For
years some professors of science in a few of our secular colleges
have been teaching that continence is harmful. This view has
gradually reached large numbers of men at lower educational
levels with harmful sociological repercussions. Far from being
harmful, continence is natural in courtship. In marriage, linked
with a spirit of sacrifice, it is not a cold, negative thing, but
a virtue that can fire married love.

Here let us pause to recognize that it will be an uncommon
marriage in which at some time husband and wife do not think
there is reason to postpone conception. They should then bring
their individual personal problem to the moralist--preferably in
the rectory rather than in the confessional. Let them tell him
what the family doctor or the wife's doctor or the husband's
doctor has said or tell him their sociologic or other problem,
and if he agrees that they have a reason to postpone conception,
then they know, not just think, they have a reason to postpone
conception. Then they are faced with a problem involving their
total natures, separate and as joined in marriage. Its solution
must logically be along broad lines; continence, periodic or
total, will obviously be a part of it. That will usually be more
of a burden to the husband than the wife. Then they must
sublimate their sex drives. Here we look to the developing Cana
Movement to help couples accomplish this. We must teach them that
marriage is more than opening the door to sexual union. We must
stress the need to develop its full physical potentialities. For
instance, in sports enjoyed together, there aren't enough mixed
foursomes on our golf courses, mixed doubles on our tennis
courts. Too few couples dance together after marriage or bother
to keep up with the new steps. We must impress on them that their
marriage can be psychologically richer, fuller, and happier by
learning to enjoy good music, literature, and the other arts
together. Spiritually, they must be impressed again and again
with the necessity of continually seeking the miracle of Grace.
It would seem that when postponement of conception is necessary,
continence for short or prolonged intervals is going to be a much
more important part of marriage in our generation. And continence
is a virtue. Because the sex drive is stronger in the male, the
burden of continence will have to be shouldered a bit more by our
Catholic men than by the women. Up to now, in all, but especially
in the spiritual and psychological spheres, many of the most
precious, deepest, and best well-springs of happiness in Catholic
marriage have been stumbled upon by too few of our Catholic
couples. The Cana Movement must show more of them the road to
these well-springs.


The Woman

And now to the physiology of woman. Beginning at puberty, new
secretions of the pituitary gland come into action and act on the
ovaries stimulating them to periodic activity. The ovary is the
center of things--more specifically, an egg follicle that begins
to grow. It takes roughly fourteen days for the egg to grow and
be discharged from the ovary. This is called ovulation. As the
microscopic egg develops, it becomes surrounded by a cavity
filled with fluid. When the egg is discharged, a rent about the
size of a hazelnut is left in the ovary and this is filled with a
yellow substance. In about fourteen more days the rent is
completely healed. Both the fluid present about the egg during
the first fourteen days and the yellow substance that closes the
rent over during the second fourteen days are active chemicals,
and they act upon the uterus in succession to cause a thickened
membrane to line its cavity. This membrane receives and nourishes
the fertilized egg if conception occurs at the mid-point of the
cycle, namely, at ovulation. If conception does not occur at the
time of ovulation, the yellow substance peters out at the twenty-
eighth day; the nourishing force of the membrane of the uterus
entirely disappears; the membrane dies and is shed with a
moderate blood loss as the menstrual flow. If conception occurs
on the fourteenth day, the yellow substance is thereby stimulated
to further growth, the menses do not occur and the woman, having
missed a period by one day is already at the fifteenth day of
gestation.

There are several other basic facts of interest: (I) It is
thought that many if not most women do not ovulate until they are
seventeen or so. The egg fluid and the yellow substance form in
the ovary, but an egg does not grow full enough to be capable of
becoming fertilized. A practical effect of this is that
promiscuous Junior Highers, especially the innocent ones, are
providentially protected from pregnancy. (2) At the time of
ovulation most women have symptoms to tell them that the event is
occurring. This has a practical application concerning
conception. (3) During the two phases of the menstrual cycle, the
woman's temperature taken the first thing on awakening--the basal
temperature before activity changes it--is higher in the second
fourteen-day phase. This also has a practical application
concerning conception. (4) The egg is fertilizable for at most a
few hours after ovulation. (5) The sperm can live in the uterus
and be capable of fertilizing the egg for perhaps as long as four
or five days.

(Here, to digress:--these newer facts of woman's physiology can
be used to enchance fertility in the fourteen percent of couples
who are sterile. This is a physician's problem. The same facts
can be used to avoid conception, never with certainty, or here
would be an invitation on nature's part to be promiscuous outside
of marriage. When the facts are used to avoid conception, it
primarily concerns the moralist who has to deal with a husband
and wife and their personal, individual problem. The doctor does
not enter the picture, except at the priest's invitation.)

Now back to the physiology of woman. (6) It is thought that only
one out of four ova is capable of being fertilized. (7) Besides
the period between puberty and seventeen-or-so, when a woman is
quite infertile, there are three other periods of differing
fertility. From eighteen to twenty-six a woman is most fertile.
From twenty-six to thirty-four, less so. From thirty-five to
forty-five, or whenever the menopause or cessation occurs, she is
least fertile. The difference is apparently due to the frequency
of ovulation at these different ages. In other words, a woman of
twenty-two probably ovulates on the fourteenth day of every
cycle. A woman of thirty-eight may ovulate only on the fourteenth
day of every fourth cycle. There is a practical application of
this. Many couples marrying at twenty-one have two children by
the age of twenty-four. They figure two children in three years--
there are eighteen producing years left; therefore, they will
have twelve more children, other factors being equal. Stop the
music! They won't, of course, because fertility decreases with
the years.

Also let me stress that fertility is a relative not an absolute
thing. For multiple reasons known to science, some couples are
relatively very fertile and some are relatively infertile. For
instance, the wife may occasionally ovulate twice a month instead
of once. There is incontestible medical evidence to show that
women were meant to have their children in the early twenties.
Endometriosis and fibroids, for instance, both of which tend to
cause sterility, are frequently seen in the late twenties and
very often in the early and mid-thirties. Another point, while a
mother is nursing successfully, ovulation and menstruation do not
occur and pregnancy is impossible. So, suspension of fertility is
a function per se of the lactating breasts. But if nursing is not
completely successful, ovulation may occur unpredictably and
pregnancy may follow without the menses returning between
pregnancies.

The cessation of the menses in the early or mid-forties is
accompanied by many disturbing nervous symptoms in some women,
requiring sympathetic understanding on the part of their husbands
and all about them. So much for the physiology of woman up to
pregnancy.


Conception

Conception or fertilization, which signifies the union of the
male and female sex cells, takes place in the Fallopian tube that
runs from either side of the uterus to the proximity of the
ovaries. In the sex cells are chromosomes, small rods that carry
different hereditary characteristics, such as eye color, etc. One
pair of chromosomes is exclusively concerned with sex
determination, and the male element is the final controlling
factor here. This fact affords comfort to many a woman when she
has presented her spouse with a fourth daughter and no son. Every
species has a fixed number of chromosomes. The human species has
forty-eight. To keep this number from increasing to ninety-six
when the male and female sex cells unite, it is necessary that
the sex cells halve their chromosome total before fertilization.
This is accomplished by a special reduction division of the cells
and is just one of the miracles involved in the phenomenon of
conception.


Pregnancy

If conception occurs, gestation lasts 267 days or so. From the
thirtieth to the one hundredth day a woman is apt to be sick in
the morning. A few are very sick. Some are not sick at all. This
is to be considered if a girl entering marriage hopes to work the
first few months, anticipating that conception may occur right
away. The couple should not let their finances depend on it.
However, if she is not sick, she can work for five months. A
woman should not fear any element of pregnancy. Pain is a thing
of the past. If a woman gets adequate prenatal care, statistics
show that she is more apt to die from a fall in her home than she
is from pregnancy. Fears about child-bearing can seriously mar
the happiness of marriage. Sometimes the fear is based on
something the girl has heard. Again, it may stem from a
previously mismanaged birth of her own. There is no good reason,
though, to fear childbirth. Any fear about childbirth must be
baseless.


Psychology of Sex

A brief discussion now on the psychology of the sexes. In
marriage a man and woman agree to live together the rest of their
lives. They are more apt to live in happiness if the lives they
match are well endowed with virtues. That term is never mentioned
in books on modern marriage. The need of virtues is recognized,
but denying man's spirituality, their meaning is lost when they
are grouped with psychologic aptitudes. Faith is passed off as
emotional security; charity, as the aptitude to share; courage is
but a fear reaction; envy is not a sin, but merely a show of
emotional immaturity. But the truth is man has spirituality, can
develop virtues, and they are important to successful marriage.

We must early inculcate in our little girls the virtues of their
ideal--the Blessed Mother. Teach a little girl modesty and at
fourteen she will not be involved in a Junior High sex scandal.
Though she did not know where babies come from, she would
instinctively know that any violation of her modesty had to be
wrong. We can teach little boys to be chivalrous In games we can
teach them courage. St. Joseph is their prototype. Teach a boy to
protect his little sister and as a man he will protect the woman
he loves. Teach children of both sexes to see through the eyes of
faith the beauty of God in all things about them. To get the most
out of marriage you must have the ability to appreciate the
beautiful. These are some of the essentials of sex education.

Some virtues find more fertile soil for development in one sex
than in the other, and some find fertile soil in both. One of the
latter and an important one is understanding. For a man and woman
to live happily together they must understand each other's
psychological natures. In this the two sexes differ considerably,
and because love presupposes understanding, let us outline the
psychologic differences of man and woman. First, it is not all
contrast. There are fundamental psychological aptitudes common to
man and woman that both must bring well developed into marriage.


Early Beginnings

The common acquired psychological aptitudes that lead to a happy
marriage and a happy life have their beginnings in the cradle. A
child is delivered from its mother's womb and cries. If it does
not cry, something is alarmingly wrong and the obstetrician gets
busy to remedy the situation. The infant cries for its basic
physical needs--oxygen, warmth, food, and water; and for its
basic psychological needs--recognition (and how he cries for
it!), a sense of security, and love in an instinctive form.
Receiving these, he is off to a good start in life. Soon he is
going to know self-esteem, a consciousness of pleasing others,
perhaps when he is praised for getting up a good big bubble.
Later on he is going to learn self-respect, an inward
satisfaction in doing right--perhaps the first time he overcomes
the impulse to throw a spoonful of cereal on the wallpaper and
slobbers it into his mouth where it rightfully belongs. Later on
he is taught to share, and he grows into a social being. He puts
one block on top of another and first experiences the thrill of
creative expression. By now real, rather than instinctive, love
becomes known. He feels it shown to him and he returns it to
others. Now at the age of one an infant has already laid down the
psychological foundations for a happy life. The most important
thing is love. The more love the better; literally, a home full
of it.

All these basic aptitudes then are well developed very early in
life. A child is said to have developed his personality at two.
Any nun teaching kindergarten will tell you that she can but
further develop the child that is brought to her classroom door.
The basic behavior pattern has already been set. The psychologic
foundation for a happy marriage then is laid early in life and is
practically beyond changing when adulthood is reached. The
selfish wife in marriage was the little girl who once stamped her
feet and got her own and her brother's share. The little boy
whose parents never taught him self-esteem won't care very much
whether he holds a job or not as a father. So much for the
psychological foundation of marriage common to the sexes.


Man and Woman
Complementary

The psychological aptitudes of which we have spoken play a vital
role in a happy marriage. Especially important is the sharing of
creative activity since it is spiritually stimulating and
physically relaxing. For example, the preparation--the creation--
of this lecture has been a source of much happiness to my wife
and me. The invitation from Father Clark quite naturally produced
feelings of self-esteem and self-respect. Then a joint project
was begun. On returning from the office in the evening there were
notes that had their inspiration in the consultations of the day.
Meanwhile, my wife had made notes from assigned reading. All
these were shared, discussed, shaped, reshaped, and finally a
manuscript was "created" by her typewriter from my scribbled
pages. And so for weeks we shared a creative experience.
Successfully completing the project resulted in self-confidence,
contributing finally to the emotional security which is so
essential to happiness. This was purely a psychologic activity.
As simple a thing as reading a book together would be a
comparable activity. At other times projects with a predominant
physical component can be undertaken--as an example, and a very
natural one--planning and creating the nursery for the first
arrival. Such creative activity is an extremely important source
of happiness in marriage and a life together brings countless
possibilities of sharing it. So much for the psychological
foundation of marriage common to both sexes.

Equally important are the psychologic traits peculiar to each
sex. Here again the vital difference man's spirituality makes in
his nature must be recognized. For example, in animals the senses
have a limited function. A dog sees and scents a rose, finds
nothing appetizing and moves on. A man, endowed with
spirituality, sees a rose and finds God. In like manner, man's
spirituality vitally affects sex. In animal life, sex is a
superficial thing. In action, a male and female cat, for
instance, are much alike. But in humans sex goes deep. It goes to
the soul. The street-walker who abuses sex, mutilates her soul
and betrays it in her face. That is how sex affects the whole of
human nature. Because of sex, human nature is realized in two
spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally contrasting
personalities, meant to complement each other. When this is
understood, these differences make for happiness. Not understood,
they provide an ever fertile soil for clashes and
misunderstandings and cause tragic unhappiness--tragic because it
is all so needless. Men and women, then, must never forget that
they think, feel, and love differently.

Essentially, metaphysically if you will, man by nature is said to
be centrifugal, woman centripetal. Man is the wanderer, restless,
the seeker, the inventor. Woman is content by the hearth, more
stable, more serene, man's anchor. Sex is linked a bit
differently in the two. It is linked more to a man's body as it
were, and more to a woman's soul. A man deficient in sex power
will respond to sex hormones. Give him an injection of male
hormones and you can improve him tremendously. Not so the woman.
Half of all women never experience the specific, emotional sexual
climax in marriage. When this is so, complex emotional factors,
often going right back to childhood, are usually the cause. No
injections of female sex hormones will change the situation. The
cure is to be sought along psychologic paths with the help of a
psychiatrist.

Further making the contrasts glare, we say that man is
reasonable, woman intuitive; a man gets the general, over-all
effect; a woman grasps details and reacts spontaneously. A man's
judgment is more accurate; a woman's more rapid, she relying more
on intuition and first impressions. A man's self-assurance is
more marked than a woman's. Because she is a mother to her
children and in a sense to the world, a woman is more devoted to
others. A man speaks literally; a husband should try to
understand what his wife means by what she says.

Woman is more sensitive emotionally. A man will say, "I
understand your sorrow": but a woman, "I feel your sorrow." A man
recalls vivid emotional experiences; a woman will relive them
forever. A woman then is hurt more deeply by an emotional
offense. Emotional life has been likened to a river, with a dam
at one point of its course. Something happens and we say, "That's
water over the dam." It may be entirely so for the man; but there
is a good chance that much of the experience for the woman is
left to well up in the deep waters forever. So a man must handle
a woman's emotions with understanding care. A deep psychological
sex trauma, for example, may never be erased and may mar a
woman's sex life forever. Some women's emotions vary with their
changing physiology and an intelligent husband remembers this. We
men should not expect to learn all the emotional secrets of
woman. Nor should a woman ever hope to read us like a book.
Marriage would be boring if this were possible. In marriage, in a
sense, you grow on each other as you share your lives together in
married love, and as you share your thoughts and emotions over
and over through the years. The human mind can never communicate
all of itself to another in any conceivable number of words.
Somehow a man and woman blend their thought processes in marriage
so that many times a day one will say to the other, "That's
funny. I was thinking the same thing." Peculiarly many men have
morning sickness of pregnancy when their wives do not. During the
war it was not unusual for a serviceman, still not knowing his
wife got pregnant on his farewell leave, to find himself
thousands of miles from home in the station hospital or sick bay
with morning sickness.

And in a similar mysterious fashion, a husband and wife blend
their emotions. Here it is much like the way we take to a new
symphonic recording. It must strike a responsive chord to begin
with, but beyond that it may hardly touch you the first few
hearings. But little by little it does and you like it more and
more, until you feel it is a part of you. But never so much a
part of you that you will not want it to be still more a part of
you; and you desire to hear it again and again. So with the
emotional adjustment of a man and woman in marriage. With
knowledge and understanding, more and more they will strike only
responsive chords. It is as indefinite but as simple and
satisfying as that.


Love

So much then for the nature of man and woman. The Creator chose
to express humanity in two forms, male and female, and there you
have them. To live humanity in the fullest, it is essential that
they come together. What brings a man and woman together in
marriage? Angels without bodies cannot marry. Animals with bodies
but without spiritual souls can mate, but they cannot marry. Only
humans can marry, composed as they are of a body and a spiritual
soul--only a man and a woman created to complement each other
anatomically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually as
perfectly as we have seen. Romantic love draws a man and woman
together. This is the beautiful thing that is not at all
overdrawn by Disney in "Cinderella" and "Snow White." But this
romantic love is but a superficial thing cloaking the deep force-
-human sexual instinct--the intense desire of each to give and
receive completion of their natures. A man and a woman are united
in marriage by a specific, deep, beautiful, powerful, lasting
spiritual force--married love. Because of it at last they are two
in one flesh. Because of it now their emotional natures blend all
their responsive chords, and two hearts beat and sing as one, and
now their thoughts are one, even to sharing the common dream.
Because of it, one soul sees beyond all the superficial
imperfections of another and grasps there the nearest thing to
the image of God it has found on earth, something more appealing
to it than anything else in all creation, and loves it. All
happiness in marriage rests on that spiritual foundation. This is
it! The "res" of marriage. The "sine qua non."


Without Love . . .

When a marriage lacks this love a man and a woman find living
together impossible though they possess all the material things
of life. Flying from each other in the divorce court, they charge
mental cruelty, and some are chagrined when they are granted
freedom on such trivial grounds. But in charging mental cruelty
they are saying in legal terms, "We two could not live together
without love. Joined in marriage, our souls cried for love. But
it was not there and living together without it was intolerable,
literally a cruel thing." After God Himself, this love of man and
woman has inspired the most beautiful songs of our poets, the
purest work of our artists, the most sublime music of our
composers. Love, far from being blind, is light. A man buffeted
by the cares of his day, comes home to his love, who knows that
he should have had that raise, who knows the boss was wrong. And
she is right. She as no one else except God, she who knows him
through the eyes of love, knows the true worth of that man. And
he, as no one else on earth, knows how truly lovable she is.
Love, then, is truth as well as light.


Eternal Triangle,
Man, Woman, God

The moth blindly, impulsively, throws itself in the flame. In the
marriage act itself, a man and a woman by an act of intellect and
will, in a bond of the spiritual, pure thing that is conjugal
love, fully complete their human natures. Spiritually they reach
the zenith of creative expression and fittingly so, for God
willing it, an immortal soul can come into being through this
love. That is marriage. That is scientific marriage. That is true
marriage because it gives man's spirituality its full
recognition. Only in such a marriage can a man and woman develop
the greatest perfection of their beings and attain full
happiness. That is Catholic marriage when its nature is fully
understood and all its potentialities are fully realized.

Recall that at the start I said that in preparing this talk I
prayed that the Holy Spirit would touch my mind so that I would
accomplish the perfection demanded for this occasion. And in our
invocation I asked that the Holy Spirit touch my mind and my
lips; and your ears and your minds that you rightly interpret
what I said. If He has, you understand that moral truth and
scientific truth are mirror images. If He has, I know that now
you must share my faith and reasoned belief in the inherent
righteousness, the essential goodness, and the sublime beauty of
Catholic marriage and its perfect adaptation to the true and full
nature of man and woman. If you do share that faith, then we have
our benediction.


QUESTION PERIOD

Father Clark: Ladies and Gentlemen, while I am sorting the
questions into categories, Doctor will discuss some topics that
were part of his original script but were omitted to meet our
time limit.

Doctor: What essential place do children hold in marriage?
Children give a man and a woman a new dignity, that of fatherhood
and motherhood. They change the marriage community into the
family community, the basic unit of society. The diagram shows
how humans live ideally in society with marriage and the family
the main supporting unit. It also shows the important
relationship of sexuality to personality.

A world community of givers and sharers. God Who is Love is its
center and that Love radiates through the world. Its heart is a
community of incomplete human personalities, (using "personality"
in the sense of modern psychology, not metaphysics), the family
unit sharing diversified potentialities helping each other to
reach perfection and full happiness. Man and woman's conception
of, and relationship with, God, their conception of, and
valuation of each other and of children, will be a dominant
factor in determining their personalities. The total personality
of the family unit will largely form the character of a society,
and, in its widest scope, of a civilization To a lesser degree
the members of society immediately about us share in the
interplay. Further out the human personality creates art, music,
and literature, and these in return act on countless other
personalities. At the boundary is the earth, the extended body of
man, because men leave the stamp of their personality on the
lands they inhabit and the land in turn, be it cultured or
primitive, leaves its mark on the human personalities that touch
it. The antithesis of all this is the materialistic conception of
things. Hate the center--society a community of exploiters and
grabbers in conflict for survival--the whole thing is a rat race.


Precious

Then I want to stress the importance of children in marriage and
point out the specific place that children hold in marriage.
Almost every day a woman in my office for the treatment of
sterility will say, "Doctor, no one on earth wants a child as
much as I do." It is tragic that we humans lacking genius, have
to learn through want or loss the real value of so many things in
life we take for granted. How precious is a new-born infant? This
precious: when a mother loses her newborn infant, a doctor is
faced with a distressingly difficult task in breaking the news to
her. There is no consoling her. Her whole being has been craving
and expecting a child for nine months, and the void that is left
when the infant does not survive can never be filled by
consolation--words too are empty. Time alone and merciful
forgetfulness can cover the void, but it is never filled in a
mother's lifetime. That is how precious an infant is.

How precious is a child? This precious. And I have seen this at
one of our local hospitals as a student intern there--I have
often seen hysterical, grief-stricken parents just told that
their child has died, run madly about banging their heads against
the walls and floor. That is how precious a child is. When you
hold out your arms on returning home and into them runs a
smiling, happy child who loves you, you hold a precious gift you
would not exchange for all the world's riches. Children come as
the natural fruit of conjugal love as we have seen, but always as
a gift. They are an ever-present miracle to remind us of God--His
power, His goodness, His wisdom, His love. Thus do they help a
mother and father to live in the presence of God. A marriage
cannot reach its full potentialities without children. They are
the givers. They come to us from God loaded down with gifts--none
more precious than their deep inborn love for their parents. If
we have not learned to love at this late stage of our
development, here is our last chance to learn. Then they are
brimful, yes, overflowing with happiness. They have not yet
learned our million and one ways of destroying it. So they are
ever-present reminders that we too--were meant to be happy--
always. That is the importance of children in marriage. They may
at times call for sacrifice, but what precious thing in life does
not?

Speaking to a group of Scholastic Philosophers, I would like to
say that the existence of the two sexes metaphysically, that is
essentially, so different yet complementing each other in
innumerable, specific, and complicated details, is a most
effective argument for the existence of a Supreme Intelligence,
the Personal God, the Love that forms the foundation of the
philosophy of marriage. But the existence of the two sexes,
essentially so different, yet so complementary, is an even more
effective argument against the atheistic conception of the
evolution of mankind. For granting for the sake of argument, that
there was a primordial life force from which man and woman
evolved, then we have this analogy to contend with:--Here is a
handful of metal particles, and by chance an object shaped as a
key evolves. By chance. Incredible! And in another place a second
handful of metal particles, and by chance an object--a lock--
evolves. Also by chance. A million, million times more
incredible! But, "mirabile dictu," the key that evolved by
chance, by chance fits the lock that evolved by chance and that
is infinitely incredible. And not by chance!


Rh Factor

Question. There are several questions asking you to explain the
Rh Factor?

Doctor: In 1940 in an attempt to explain a disproportionate
occurrence of transfusion reactions among newly delivered
mothers, it was found that eighty-seven percent of humans had an
antigen producing substance in their blood similar to one
isolated from the blood of Rhesus monkeys. It was termed
therefore the Rh Factor. Since then in preparing for transfusion,
donors' and recipients' bloods are studied for Rh compatibility
as well as for the four blood groups previously known. That is
the main significance of the Rh Factor. It was soon discovered
that in some pregnancies a mother without the Rh factor (termed
Rh Negative), developing a child with the Rh factor (termed Rh
Positive), formed antibodies against the developing infant's
blood that destroyed it to a lesser or greater degree.
Fortunately this rarely occurs because the mother's and infant's
bloods normally do not mix freely across the barrier of the
placenta or after-birth. Unfortunately, prior to 1940 many women
were transfused without regard for the unknown Rh factor and did
have the incompatible bloods directly mixed, with a resultant
high antibody reaction. When these women conceived, severe damage
to the baby usually occurred. Such instances were frequent in the
early 1940's and soon made the public conscious of the Rh factor.
For ten years now transfusion mistakes have been eliminated, and
so have most of the severe Rh sensitivities. The lesser ones are
now almost all completely cured by recognizing the condition in
the infant at birth, and doing an exchange transfusion which
removes virtually all the sensitized blood from the newborn baby
and replaces it with normal blood or simply giving the infant
repeated small transfusions.

Of all things the Rh factor is not a pre-marital problem. An Rh
Negative woman marrying an Rh Positive man, unless she has been
transfused with incompatible Rh blood, has but a negligible
chance of ever having a damaged infant on these grounds. Besides
there are other blood incompatibilities that can occur with the
Rh factors matching, and we could not begin to worry about all of
them. The thing to remember is that we have an answer to all of
them in the new technics used on the newborn infant in the
instances where damage has occurred.


Question: So far as I know I am a perfectly healthy, normal girl.
How would I find out that I could not perform the sex act and
have children?

Doctor: There are two questions there. To answer the first, if a
woman could not perform the sex act there would be external
genital malformation that would preclude menstruation. Certainly
a woman would have such a severe functional abnormality
investigated before marriage. Even then surgery could correct
matters. Answering the second part of the question, there is no
way of determining fertility before marriage, granting the
presence of the internal genital organs. If they were absent
there would be no menstruation. If the organs are present no
matter how poor their development and function may be, it would
always be possible to bear children, especially with modern
diagnostic and therapeutic aids to fertility.


See a Doctor?

Question: Would you recommend a physical examination before
marriage?

Doctor: Yes, I would, but I think we are still a long way from
getting the average couple to acquiesce. In this state and in
many others, it is necessary that each party to a marriage see a
physician and get a certificate that says the person is free of
venereal disease and tuberculosis. This examination is usually
limited to these details. If there is a serious defect of
development or function in either person, there would certainly
be consciousness of it, and in these special instances any
intelligent person would seek a complete examination before
marriage. But at present the average couple does not think such a
complete examination necessary as a routine thing, and I think
that is a reasonable attitude. We do need conferences such as
this to give couples a broad outline of the personal side of
marriage to prevent the few serious mistakes that could lead to
an annulment. The interest in lecture courses such as this
confirms their need. For knowledge of the intimate side of
married life, it is wise to take a book on sex and marriage on
one's wedding trip. Then after a reasonable period of adjustment
after returning home, in the very rare instance where all has not
gone as smoothly as expected, the couple should consult a
physician. This I find they do. Also I have found they have
always handled their problem to this point with commendable
understanding and taken it in stride.


Question: If pregnancy has not occurred after a year of marriage
should a couple consult a physician?

Doctor: Yes, because a great majority of women conceive within
three months and have a child by the end of their first year of
marriage. A year of infertility almost certainly means there is
some organic or functional disturbance in one or both parties.
Recognizing that God helps those who help themselves, the couple
had better consult a physician as well as start the Novena to St.
Jude. If a woman marries in her late thirties, when there is a
natural lowering of fertility, she and her husband should have a
sterility examination after as little as six months, lest their
last chance at parenthood be lost through unjustified expectancy.
And again, when a woman whose menstrual function has been
subnormal before marriage, finds it worse after and also notes a
rapid gain in weight, she should consult a physician before her
endocrine failure reaches the irreversible stage. Somehow,
undertaking married sex life can precipitate such a failure in a
woman whose menstrual function to this point has been
considerably subnormal, while it may act as a stimulus to
normalcy in the woman whose function previously has been slightly
subnormal.


Feminine Modesty and
Sex Education

Question: Isn't it common for a woman, perhaps through a
misdirected sense of modesty, to feel a sense of shame about
sexual activity that might prove a barrier to sexual
compatibility? How does one overcome such a feeling and how does
one prevent one's daughter from developing it in the future?

Doctor: Whoever asked that one is in no hurry to go home. The
questioner implies that woman bears the onus in sexual
incompatibilities, and that is true because sex has a closer
psychologic tie in woman as we have seen. Male impotence is rare
by comparison. It is estimated that in fifty percent of all
marriages the woman does not attain the specific emotional climax
of the marriage act. As a rule frigidity, as this is called, is
an absence of pleasure. In some instances there may be fear or a
feeling of repulsiveness. It may be but one facet of a completely
neurotic personality pattern, or equally it may be an isolated
psychologic defect. We are concerned only with the latter
problem.

The cause lies in a lack of sex education or what is worse,
unwise, misguided sex education. There are three phases of sex
education, childhood, adolescence and pre-marital. Lecture
courses such as this are adequately taking care of the last
phase, preparation for marriage. But adequate, intelligent
education in the other two periods is largely neglected. To
answer the questioner: yes, a misguided sense of modesty, and a
misguided sense of shame, can give rise to sexual
incompatibility. To answer the second part, a cure is sometimes
effected by uncovering the psychologic trauma, that is, the
causative factor and eradicating it through rationalization or
some other psychologic technic. But if ever an ounce of
prevention were worth a pound of cure, it is in a crippling
neurosis such as this, and that leads us to the third part of
this question--how does one prevent a daughter from developing
such a condition? The answer is by adequate intelligent sex
education in childhood and adolescence.

The questioner has mentioned a misguided sense of modesty and a
misguided sense of shame. Both happen to be pivotal points in sex
education. First, let us agree that modesty means the avoidance
of indecency, anything in act, manner, or ornamentation that may
be an occasion of sin to oneself or to another. Modern child
psychologists urge that we put Nancy, aged four, out in the yard
in the nude for her sun bath. Not yet being conscious of
sexuality, this may not harm Nancy, but it may be an occasion of
sin for the fifteen-year-old boy on the other side of the fence
who has reached consciousness of sex and has begun to wrestle
with concupiscence. Better to teach Nancy that there are special
parts of her body and special functions that are good because God
created them, yet so precious, so much her very own, so secret,
that they are to be shared with no one.

Just about the age when modesty especially with regard to nudity
and the matter of biologic functions become a problem, a child is
ready to appreciate the idea of a secret, and the natural
pleasure the child experiences in keeping a secret, can be
utilized here. For essentially, sex or better one's sexuality, is
one's deepest, innermost secret self--soul deep. A man and a
woman joined in marriage do not probe the full depth of that
secret in a lifetime. In this way sex is a constant vitalizing
force in marriage. Modesty is misdirected when it is linked with
fear, which is never natural to it. Fear unfortunately is natural
to a sense of shame, a second important factor in sex education.
So it is a more fertile soil for sex maladjustments and neuroses.
By definition a sense of shame signifies one's consciousness of
concupiscence and a concomitant fear of one's ability to control
it. It does not mean the fear of appearing ludicrous. A sense of
shame enters life at a later period than modesty, at puberty and
early adolescence. The problem here is as personal as sex itself,
intimate, more subtle, closer to the soul and the subconscious
than modesty, which by comparison is superficial.

Parents can help here only so far as they can bring the child to
this period armed with self-discipline and inculcated with every
possible virtue. The priest as confessor will best be able to
help a boy or girl through this most dangerous period of change,
when the adolescent first comes to grips with sexuality and
masters it through chastity, which signifies the use of sex
according to right reason as a positive force in life. If he does
not master it he becomes a victim of sexuality, on the one hand,
sensual; on the other, fearful of it, confused, scrupulous and
neurotic; in either case later to be a misfit in marriage. Other
basic principles of sex education are: supply sex knowledge,
honestly, intelligently, and wisely as it is sought, recognizing
that one child may inquire about a fact at eight that will not
trouble the mind of her sister at the age of fifteen.

Sex knowledge then has to be individualized. That is why it
cannot be given by a teacher to a group of children. Then teach a
child to love--that is, to be sensitive to the goodness that he
receives from all sides--parents, brothers and sisters, God
Himself. A child who loves deeply later on will love deeply in
marriage. And a last principle--never should a mother tell her
daughter frightening details of childbirth. Believe it or not,
this is commonly done. As I see it, that is how sex education can
prevent sexual incompatibilities in marriage. Prevention, as has
been said, is hr better than cure. Parent, priest, and physician
then, more or less successively, assume the burden of sex
education.


Maladjustments

Question: Is it true that sexual maladjustments in early marriage
cause emotional and mental disturbances during the menopause?

Doctor: There could be a cause and effect relationship between
the two if a woman first acted as a neurotic as a result of a
specific serious sexual maladjustment in marriage. More
frequently, the sexual maladjustment itself would be the result
of the earlier development of a totally neurotic personality, so
both would stem from the same root cause, going back to childhood
or adolescence. The menopause is an excellent illustration of a
psychosomatic syndrome. The organic cause is the same in all
women; the ovaries slowly cease to function and several other
glands are thrown out of balance. The somatic component may
result in localized obesity if anything; the psychical component
may range from a slight change in temperament all the way to a
severe psychoneurosis.

I have often asked myself what is the reason for the climacteric
syndrome of the menopause. God could have had women uneventfully
cease menstruating in the forties. A possible explanation is
this: the spiritual woman who has long since learned to be
tolerant of suffering takes these years in stride without
complaining, seeking help in prayer when things really get rough
and moves on to the quieter but spiritually richer years ahead.
Her sister who has never adequately developed the essential
qualities of womanhood that we spoke of earlier in our discussion
on psychology, would seem to have in the climacteric her last
chance to adjust to a serious physical and emotional stress
through strength of spirit in keeping with God's design of her
nature. Then the climacteric is met with the faith, hope,
patience, and courage that a woman of this age easily finds in
her rich spiritual reserves, and a greater woman emerges. The
alternative is to fall back solely on ovarian injections and
sedatives, and the weaker for another failure to await the next
crisis, perhaps an anxiety-neurosis centered about cancer-phobia
in the fifties.


Modern Motherhood

Question: Were women of twenty or thirty years ago better able to
bear and nurse children than the mothers of today?

Doctor: At least ten times as many women of the last generation
died in pregnancy and childbirth as do in this, and the first
year loss of newborns was much greater too. Scientific advances
and woman's universal acceptance of prenatal care are most
responsible for the improvement it is true; but I believe that
because of better nutrition and medical supervision during the
growing years the modern young mother actually is much better
fitted physically for childbearing. Because of the factors
previously detailed that helped shape modern thought on sex and
marriage, I'm afraid that many young women today are not as well
fitted psychologically for childbirth or motherhood as were their
mothers. Today there are too many married women, usually with
college degrees, confessing that they just cannot stand
housekeeping and that children make them so nervous that they
could simply fly. And many, many more of their marriages end in
total failure--divorce.

Now the second part of the question. The problem of breast
feeding an infant is important in a marriage preparation course,
because quite surprisingly in it lies the possible cause of a big
problem in marriage today, that of naturally spacing childbirth.
A recent study showed that sixty-two percent of mothers leaving
American hospitals were not nursing their newborn infants. Just
the other day I was talking to a War bride from rural France, an
expectant mother, and I asked her what the situation was over
there. She said that she was the youngest of ten children. Her
mother nursed them all for a long time. The children were spaced
two years apart, except for herself and her older sister who were
three years apart. That is the way families were raised a
generation ago in America too. Mothers nursed up to a year and
children were spaced by nature, because as we said before when a
woman successfully nurses, she does not ovulate, does not
menstruate, and cannot conceive. I was surprised that this young
woman said that the great majority of present-day French mothers
do not nurse their infants either. Because of this new custom, we
have this unnatural state of affairs; a woman delivered in
January can have her menses return in March and be pregnant again
in April. Now this rarely happens, but every mother worries that
she may be the exception, and so we have a new medical and
sociological problem. The problem of securing for our mothers who
do not nurse the breathing-space between pregnancies that nature
meant her to have.

Now you say it is too bad about them--it is their own fault that
they do not nurse. But that is not true. The great majority of
mothers who do not nurse are confronted with valid medical,
obstetrical, pediatric, psychiatric, or sociologic contra-
indications. A small minority, it is true, magnify a weak contra-
indication into an excuse. A larger minority, thirty-eight
percent, to be exact, do nurse but few find their milk supply
lasting longer than days or weeks. All told, about eighty percent
are not nursing at six weeks because it was impossible to start,
or impossible to continue. Many believe the human breast is
unable to sustain a baby as it did in primitive times. There is
an analogy in nature--the Eastern cow bred for milk production
feeds a nation; the Western cow bred for beef production,
produces barely enough milk to give its calf minimal sustenance.
Without selective breeding, it is possible that the human female
has developed into a poor milk producer. Various organs have
failed to function entirely as man has progressed--the appendix
and the pineal gland are examples. What their primitive function
was, we have no idea. But all this is speculation. For all we
know the human female breast was never better at sustaining the
newborn than it is today. It would seem that by modern standards
of infant nutrition, except in very rare instances, the breast is
not an adequate source of sustenance for an infant after a few
days or weeks. Then we have to supplement its feeble efforts.
Then a nursing mother has the impossible task of nursing and
preparing a formula too, and that is the end of breast feeding
and the end of her natural infertility.

In America we are super-feeding growing cattle, chickens, and
pigs with balanced scientific stock foods instead of nature's
natural grasses and seed, and getting bigger and heavier cattle,
chickens, and pigs to market. We are also super-feeding the most
important growing things on earth, the infant and child, and
getting bigger (by an inch) and heavier (by ten to fifteen
pounds) boys and girls into college.

That is why women are not nursing. By modern infant nutrition
standards they cannot. Large numbers of women are never going to
nurse for as much as six to twelve months again. The pendulum
will swing back to more women doing token breast-feeding for
three to six weeks to obtain psychological benefits for
themselves and their infant, and to pass over immune bodies to
the infant's advantage. But from six weeks on, eighty percent of
mothers will continue to give their infants the benefit of modern
artificial superfeeding. A lucky ten will be able to nurse for
about a year and provide very adequate nutrition for their
infant, and secure natural infertility of themselves. It is the
eighty percent who present a problem, medical and sociological,
and it would appear that we will have to find a solution for them
in our newer knowledge of infertility inherent in the normal
menstrual cycle. Father Clark, as an interested sociologist and
moralist, what have you to say?


Get Back to Nature

Father Clark: Well, I believe the practical solution of that
problem is for individuals to consult their doctors. It looks as
if I am throwing the problem back in the doctor's lap, but that
isn't my intention. My point is this: the matter should be a part
of prenatal care. As the end of pregnancy approaches, the mother
should discuss the question of breast feeding with her doctor,
asking if she is capable of breast feeding, and, if capable,
should she do it. Psychologically, sociologically, medically, it
is the natural and normal thing and the closer we get to nature
in these things, the better it would be. Now if it happens that
the modern Twentieth Century woman is incapable of accepting what
we used to take forty or fifty years ago as the normal, then we
have to provide a substitute. There is one little practical
thing: those who bottle-feed their babies should not just put the
baby and the bottle in the crib and say, "See you later, Butch!"
Hold the baby! Give it some of the security it has a right to
have. A baby needs to be cuddled and nestled. The substitute for
breast feeding I think should approach the natural act as nearly
as possible.

Doctor: Yes, that's a good point to stress. Let me make it clear
that women of this generation are as capable of nursing as were
their mothers of forty or fifty years ago, but to meet raised
standards of infant nutrition, it is now usually necessary to
supplement breast feeding with artificial formulae and foods. And
consider this: As long ago as 1800 the birth rate in New England
is estimated to have been fifty-five. In the depression it was
fourteen. During the past War birth boom it reached about twenty-
two. Breast feeding was the rule in 1800. So where does that
leave the moralist who holds that there would be natural child
spacing and one less moral problem in marriage if women would do
the natural thing, their duty no less, and breast feed their
infants? Still, for all we know, one hundred and fifty years is
but a minute in the history of mankind. How did breast feeding
space childbirth in primitive times? What was the Creator's
intention in the matter? These are interesting points for
discussion.


Question: Would it be possible for a mother who wanted to nurse,
to bring herself to the point where it would be possible through
diet and medication?

Doctor: Well, a good diet, vitamin supplements, and other
measures may help, but insignificantly. Actually they are used
routinely today, prenatally. Their lack is more definitely a
deterrent to nursing, the body being quicker to conserve its
depleted resources and weaken the milk output than it is to
enhance it when its resources are intentionally enriched. Any
future hope to improve women's efforts at breast feeding will lie
in some new endocrine substance. The first one, Prolactin,
isolated years ago, did not fulfill its promise and with the
newer formula feedings working out so well, I doubt that there
will be  much incentive for research along those lines in the
future.


Fertility

Question: Does working affect adversely the fertility of a woman?
If so, to what extent? Is the cause a psychological one?

Doctor: Many scientific facts take their origin in impressions.
There is the impression that excessive mental strain adversely
affects male fertility. A recent report indicated that ninety
percent of the children delivered by wives of a large group of
college professors were conceived during vacation months. That
strengthens the impression. There is an impression that infertile
women frequently conceive soon after adopting a child. A
carefully done study recently completed refuted this. To my
knowledge the idea that working decreases fertility in the
married woman, perhaps along psychological lines, has not yet
reached the impression stage. Conceivably, (no pun intended), the
strain of working might be the last straw to tip the scales
towards sterility in a woman with many obvious signs of subnormal
development and function. I am certain that it is much more
important to correct one of these real defects as a help to
fertility.


Question: How long after ovulation is an ovum capable of being
fertilized?

Doctor: On the outside, forty-eight hours Some believe that the
ovum, which is undergoing the reduction division preparatory to
fertilization as it escapes from the ovary, has to unite with the
sperm within a matter of minutes; the sperm would have to be
there waiting which you will remember, it can do for as long as
five days.

Question: How long after the birth of a child should a couple
practice continence?

Doctor: Normally, complete involution takes up to six weeks.
Complications may prolong the period. Continence should be
practiced until the woman physically and psychologically feels
like herself again. This would seem to require that the menses be
reestablished, which without nursing occurs eight to twelve weeks
after delivery. Then if she is going to watch her fertility
periods, continence would be necessary for as long as four or
five months.


A Baby Each Year

Question: Can a Catholic couple live as good Catholics and not
have a child every year?

Doctor: I have indicated that continence in one form or another
is part of the answer. But the continence factor is but a minor
part of the answer.

The problem presented must trouble the minds of many Catholic
couples, so it is important and I will answer it in detail,
objectively, and with carefully placed emphasis. To begin with,
there is no medical contra-indication to having babies close
together. A recent study proved this, completely refuting birth
control propaganda to the contrary that had been widely and
intensely disseminated for many years. The best ally of safe
childbirth is youthfulness, and by spacing children at
unnaturally wide intervals large numbers of women will pass up
the chance to have children when all the complications of
childbirth are at a minimum.

On the other hand, nothing, except sin itself, causes as much
unhappiness in the world as does chronic fatigue, chronic ill
health, and monotony. Life is then a dull thing and living, a
tread mill. Unreasonably frequent pregnancies can be the direct
cause of this. Of course a husband who subjects his wife to such
a life is in no sense following the desires of the Catholic
Church, as is so often alleged.

Having balanced these considerations, can we with any authority
determine the ideal interval between conceptions? No, we cannot.
One survey conducted by physicians showed that the majority of
women questioned thought two years the ideal interval between the
birth of one child and the conception of the next. I would be
inclined to make it one year. Not longer than this because most
couples first have two children of the same sex before they have
one of the opposite sex. It would seem advantageous that the
brothers or sisters be close enough in age to share the same
interests throughout childhood and adolescence. The interval
should be no less than a year because the majority of women are
sick to some extent in the early months of pregnancy, and for the
nine months almost all are definitely below par mentally and
physically. So to give an infant the care it needs and deserves
during its very important first year, it would seem ideal that
the mother be in the best possible health so that she will have
the energy and vitality to manage successfully this trying,
difficult phase of her child's development and growth. This norm
would not apply to the exceptional woman who actually feels
better throughout pregnancy, nor to her sister, at the other
extreme, who is so severely weakened by pregnancy and childbirth,
that she still has not regained vigorous health a year later.
Clearly then, while a year may be the ideal, there is need for
individualizing this phase of the problem.


Economic Factor

Moving on, family economics enters into the problem too. Here it
is wise for a couple to let their spiritual adviser share in the
decision that they cannot afford another child at the moment.
Otherwise there is danger that selfishness will creep in here,
human nature being what it is. Remember that a sound mind and
body, and then training in character, are the greatest assets you
can give a child. Too many Americans think it better to give a
child or two everything rather than have a number of children and
not be able to provide them with every material advantage.
Meaning well, nonetheless they usually succeed in giving the
child everything but happiness. It is the spiritual resources
that matter. A child needs parents' love, devotion, and care. It
is the psychological resources that matter. A child needs
brothers and sisters to live with, play with, and to share with,
to become a well adjusted happy social being. Money can purchase
none of these vital assets.


Continence

Then let us face the issue of continence. This may be total,
subtotal, or periodic. For the majority of young couples at the
peak of fertility, there may be need at times of subtotal
continence. The minority, the relatively infertile group, can
successfully practice periodic continence, or what is usually
thought of as rhythm. Paradoxically, they are just the ones that
shouldn't, because they will have difficulty having children in
family proportions anyway. A doctor should point this out to
couples in this category. But whatever the degree, when
continence is practiced, an artificial element enters into
marital life.

When resorting to continence a couple therefore needs the
guidance of their spiritual advisor. Obviously then, this element
of continence further complicates rather than solves the problem.
The real solution to the problem embraces the whole philosophy of
Catholic marriage. First, when you marry, do so with the hope of
having a family, not "children" which in Twentieth-Century
America means "two" if they are of different sex, and an absolute
limit of three, no matter what. Remember, children are precious.
They, not we, are the givers in family life. Marriage cannot
reach its full potentialities without them. They are among God's
greatest gift to man and woman on earth. I have often asked a
mother if she would take a million dollars for her baby. No one
has ever said "yes." You could buy that woman's house, car, or
anything else she possesses but not her baby. So remember that
each one is worth a million dollars, and how to avoid a million
dollars a year is a very pleasant problem to contend with, life
being what it is. Some of the crusading birth controllers never
had a child, none of them ever had a family. They wrote such
books as "I Hate Children"--only God and the psychiatrists know
why.


Life Together

Then remember, marriage is a natural thing, so not difficult, not
a problem, unless we distort its nature and make it one. We must
concentrate on living a full married life in the Catholic
tradition as detailed in this lecture series. Marriage is not
just the right to sex life. Nor is it this, plus having children.
It is all of life shared together: the dreams, the
disappointments, the joys, the sorrows, the trials, the triumphs,
the risks, the losses and the gains. It is the art, the music,
the good books, the sports, the dances, all the good times
enjoyed together. It is a lifetime of happiness shared together.
Its soul is love, its heart is a family of children, and what is
not well enough understood, its life blood is sacrifice.
Sacrifice and love mentioned in the same breath? Yes. They are
natural to each other and inseparable. For really to become a
part of anything, and to have that thing become a part of us, to
know it intimately so we can love it, we must sacrifice a part of
ourselves for it. That is necessary in the world of inanimate
things--this piece of land long dreamed about, one day
discovered, after great sacrifice of toil and time, is cleared,
cultivated, and fenced to at last become something again,
something precious--our land. So also by sacrifice does this
house become our home. And sacrifice is even more essential in
the world of vital things in which the vocation of marriage holds
such a prominent place.


The Soul of Love

Life together in marriage is a succession of acts of sacrifice.
Continence on occasion is just one small manifestation of this.
When you practice it, you must put something else into your
marriage in place of the sex act--you enjoy a book together or an
evening of dancing, and in this way the sex urge can be
suppressed. Or far better, sublimate this urge to unite and
create by creating something else together at this time, for
instance the dreamed of game room in the cellar or it can be as
simple a thing as a young wife typing her student-husband's
theme. Mark this well now, for creative activity in essence is
physically relaxing and spiritually stimulating. Sacrifice is the
principle instrument that accomplishes this sublimation, which
enables continence to become a positive force for happiness in
marriage. In this way your cup of happiness is just as full to
the brim. Not faced, repressed, it becomes a source of tension,
irritability and a fertile soil for neuroses.

We are apt to recoil at the mention of the word sacrifice; the
immediate implication is something difficult, something hard, a
cross. We would like to skip that. But in marriage it is neither
hard nor difficult. Rather it is the eternal source of happiness.
A woman cheerfully doing her task as a mother, a man happily
doing his day's work, both express their love of God, though in a
different way than the Trappist Monk working in his monastery
fields. God does not ask the Trappist's love of all of us. Nor
does He ask that kind of sacrifice of all of us. But to live any
vocation, and marriage is a vocation, we must give something of
ourselves to it over and over again, for this is the essence of
sacrifice, no matter what kind or degree. Only by continually
giving something of ourselves to our marriage, only by sacrifice,
does this partnership, this bond, this union, become our
marriage, our own eternal love. That is the only way Catholic
marriage can be lived. In that way you take the problem of child
spacing, just one of its millions of problems and actually an
insignificant one, in stride, happily.


Positive Approach

When all is said now, you will note that I have not answered the
question asked--I have not told you how to be a good Catholic and
not have a child a year, but rather I have told you how by being
a good Catholic you can reasonably space a family of children.
Because it is a complex, individual problem, this could mean the
blessing of a child every year or at the other extreme, it could
mean one child in a lifetime as, for example, when pregnancy is
complicated by nearly fatal, incurable disease. The outline for
raising a family I have detailed has a positive psychology that
is in tune with traditional Catholic marriage and the Catholic
family, and is free of the negative, squeamish, absolute-
security-first psychology of the birth controllers. The point is
that any limitation of children that takes place does so "per
accidens." Family limitation "per se" is not sought. To other
than a group of scholastic thinkers, that distinction would seem
so superficial as to be ridiculous, but I know you can appreciate
its significance and realize how the distinction is also the
focal point in determining ethical values. That is a long answer
to an important question, but anything other than a complete
answer would be no answer at all. What do you say to all this,
Father Clark?

Father Clark: I only wish that I had said it.

Doctor: I have used many Freudian terms such as sexual instinct,
suppression, repression, and sublimation; none is used in a
strict Freudian sense, since his whole system of psychology
starts with the idea that man is but a superior thinking animal,
soulless, and without a will. By contrast, we say man is a son of
God, His image, a very different animal with an intellect to
discern the greater good and a will to seek it. The Freudian sees
sexuality as the soil in which everything takes root. We
acknowledge its great importance as a force in life, but we do
not see sexuality in every thought and act, conscious or
unconscious. Denying man's spirituality, the Freudians say that
sublimation is accomplished by instinct alone. We say it is
accomplished by the spirit's power to integrate with itself a
lower state, instinct. For an analogy: coming across a beautiful
flower, the Freudian says, "I know you; nothing but the earth
transformed or sublimated." We say that flower has a soul--
vegetative in this instance--something different from and
infinitely superior to the earth; it has drawn up the earth,
transformed it and sublimated it if you will, into a beautiful
thing. So, with spirit and instinct and specifically with
sexuality. We admit the value of Freudian terms and techniques,
but find little or no agreement with him on meaning.


What About Rhythm?

Father Clark: Doctor, most of the remaining questions are
concerned in one way or another with the rhythm theory. I realize
that this is a much misunderstood question, and that it is
practically impossible to explain all its phases to a group as
large as this. But perhaps you have some pertinent remarks
concerning it.

Doctor: Yes. It must be completely individualized and it is a
time-consuming problem. In practice, I tell the patient that it
is such an involved theory that they had best buy the booklet
that is available on the subject and, after they have read it,
call me if there is anything that puzzles them. The organic or
physical component of periodic continence, or "rhythm" if you
must, has so many variable factors that it has to be strictly
individualized to be effective. Unfortunately an explanatory
booklet is just about as useful as a home medical book is in
coping with illness. It is better than nothing, but that is about
all. So, much as we would like to avoid the nuisance, doctors
have to help even the most intelligent patient to fit the
physical facts of the rhythm theory to herself. Now even more
important is it to individualize the spiritual component of
periodic continence. Remember that I said that it introduces an
artificial element into marriage at its very essence. It directly
touches the love union and the conception of children, the heart
and soul of a marriage. Further, depending on the spirit in which
it is used, it will enrich or impoverish a marriage. It therefore
affects marriage in its totality. So, obviously it must be
individualized spiritually, used with the guidance and help of
one's spiritual advisor. That is why the priest cannot avoid the
nuisance either, much as he would like to.

The large number of questions touching on family limitation asked
at conferences such as this reveal how deeply birth control
psychology has permeated Catholic minds. There is a big task
ahead for all concerned to reorientate Catholic thinking so that
a family of children will again be a goal to be sought, not a
burden to be avoided. Fortunately, when periodic continence or
rhythm is unavoidable in a Catholic marriage, with guidance and
effort it can become a positive force for good. That is because
human nature is a fusion of body and spirit and the balance
between the two is fluid enough so that spirit can rise over body
to meet an abnormal circumstance, and still keep the whole being
in a state of balance and happiness. Is that an ideal,
impractical, too difficult of attainment, by the majority of
Catholic couples? That is a problem and not for a doctor to
decide.

Marriage by nature is a living social institution. Catholic
marriage has remained unchanged since its beginning at its
elemental core where principles and laws are involved. But
outside that zone, it is constantly adapting itself to changes in
culture, knowledge, and many other things. The important thing is
that when changes are taking place in a social structure that
they be constructive, that they evolve towards perfection;
otherwise, they may destroy that structure. The closer a change
touches the elemental core, the greater the danger is that
through misdirection it may destroy. Rhythm touches the core of
marriage as we have said. It could conceivably be destructive. To
my mind, the exact place of rhythm in the Great Design of
Catholic marriage has not been clearly established. While it is a
controversial matter, my intention is to leave the problem as
much as possible in other hands.

So, that is more than enough about rhythm. Any discussion of it
except along the general lines we have pursued is entirely out of
place in a marriage preparation course. Basically, it can be part
of the solution to some individual marriage problem. If you are
fortunate, you will never have such a problem and never have to
trouble yourself with its technical details. But do remember the
principles: it is an artificial element that affects a marriage
in its totality; it must be strictly individualized spiritually
and physically, contrary to the prevailing notion, it is
something infinitely more than freely choosing to live Catholic
marriage by a calendar--and lastly, it is an accessory to
marriage used when unavoidable to space reasonably a family of
children in the Catholic tradition, not a dodge to accomplish
birth prevention.

While it is not my special work to speak on the morality of this
topic, I can say this: Morally, too, it must be individualized.
For a couple to use the rhythm system there must be a good and
just reason, which reason is not a matter of private
interpretation, but must be submitted to the judgment of the
spiritual adviser. It is difficult to see how a couple could go
on, year after year, practicing rhythm to avoid conception
without committing sin.


Big Mistake

Question: In your experience, Doctor, what is the most serious
mistake made by couples entering marriage?

Doctor: One thinks immediately of the relatively uncommon
instances where one or, even less commonly, both partners are
hopelessly unqualified for marriage. Typically, all efforts to
prevent such a marriage have gone unheeded.

But another too common mistake comes to mind, and that is
entering marriage intending to postpone conception for a while. I
see scores of women every year seeking help for sterility, who by
one means or another attempted birth prevention for the first
year or two of their marriage. A few have wittingly permitted an
organic cause of sterility to progress to a point where it is
beyond correcting. (An example of this would be the small fibroid
tumor that could have been removed soon after marriage, sparing
the uterus; but because of increased size, its removal two or
three years later would require sacrificing the uterus as well.)
Such persons have disregarded the old adage: "Take your first
child when it comes." I would change that to: "Accept the gift of
a family when God offers it to you." Seldom in life are we given
the opportunity to spurn a gift and accept it unchanged on the
same terms later on. And the precious gift of a family is no
exception.

The family--father, mother, and a number of children joined by
the common bond of love with God Who is Love, as we illustrated
earlier--is the prime generating force for love in this world,
and one of its few great positive forces for good. In a special
way, love flows naturally from the family as it does from no
other grouping of humans. See a mother with an infant in her arms
and, presuming she is normal, you can say with moral certitude
that she loves it. Just as certainly you can predict the
existence of love in a family. Such is God's design.

Looking back on our lives, no matter what our material wealth may
be, we can all count our real treasure in the golden pieces of
love we have collected along the way. The family is the mint of
the world's love. Whatever you do, don't start marriage intending
to pass up the treasure of a family for a while. Accept God's
gift as soon as it is offered. If a few months of married life do
not bring the promise of this treasure, don't wait too long
before seeking medical help in attaining fertility. I would say
this course of lectures would be worth the combined efforts of
all concerned if it accomplished but one thing--to make the
couples present aspire to have a family along traditional
Catholic lines.

Father Clark, in your role of Sociologist, will you add something
here on the importance of the family to society and to the
individual?

Father Clark: The testimony of clear-thinking parents, which
attests the fact that they "have not lived" until their first
child came, and that each succeeding one has brought more
happiness, is a good starting point. Social studies have shown
that the best adjusted persons in society have come from large
families. Also that happily married persons as a rule have come
from large families. The nation has had to depend on large
families for her defense forces. Our ideal of an expanding
economy takes for granted large families. These are but a few
points that could be enlarged upon to show the importance of a
more-than-two-child family.


Mother or Child?

Question: Here is a last question which I am anxious to hear you,
an obstetrician of wide experience, answer publicly with
authority. If a situation arose during delivery where you had to
decide whether to save the mother or the baby, what would you do?

Doctor: Such a situation never does present itself. Period! In
preparing the formal talk, I originally mentioned that point in
discussing pregnancy, but my reaction was: "Why resurrect that
old ghost and keep alive a baseless old wives' tale?" So in the
end I omitted it. A death in childbirth today is extremely rare.
Then there is either unpardonable neglect of prenatal care or the
cause of death remains an enigma even after autopsy. Never does
the problem of saving mother or baby even remotely enter the mind
of a doctor. The practice of obstetrics would be a nightmarish
ordeal if it could.


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. What do you mean by the expression marriage is diseased
today."

2. Name some of the causes of "modern marriage."

3. What is meant by the distinction between anatomy and
"physiology" of the sexes?

4. What are the minimal physical requirements for marriage?

5. Name the sex organs of the male, of the female.

6. What is the sperm, the ovum?

7. What must a couple do who think they should postpone
conception?

8. What happens to the sperm and ovum at conception?

9. At what age does ovulation usually occur?

10. What is the duration of the period of gestation?

11. Are there virtues peculiar to men, others to women?

12. Of what importance to marriage is the understanding of
masculine and feminine nature?

13. Is love between the parties necessary to successful marriage?

14. How does the existence of the two sexes argue for the
existence of a Supreme Intelligence?

15. Summarize the question of hereditary factors.

16. What place does the child hold in the home?

17. What about sex education?



VI. GETTING MARRIED

BY THE REVEREND WILLIAM R. CLARK, O.P., PH.D.

The Reverend William R Clark, O.P. is head of the Department of
Social Sciences and Professor of Sociology at Providence College.
He acts as chairman of the Lenten lecture series each year.

EACH time I have witnessed a wedding I have been deeply impressed
with the thought that the ceremony is over so quickly. After
weeks and months of preparation the actual wedding ceremony takes
place in about five or seven minutes. It is startling to think
that one can bind himself in so short a time "until death." Yet
it is so in the other vocations. The religious pronounces his
vows in a very few minutes. And the priest is ordained a "priest
forever" in a comparatively short ceremony.

As the couple stands before the altar in a Catholic wedding you
know that there has been a great deal of preparation leading up
to that solemn moment. We propose, tonight, to follow this
imaginary couple, whom we may call John and Mary, back to the
early days of their preparation. We know that they have been
preparing because they could not come before the altar without
many, many preliminaries.


Setting the Date

One of the first preliminaries is to set a date. Some persons get
very upset when they go to the rectory to make arrangements for
their wedding and find that the date they wanted is already
taken. So, we have our first practical conclusion--go to the
rectory in plenty of time! The absolute minimum is a month ahead.
Some may think that this is hardly any time at all. I say it is
the absolute minimum because the banns must be published on three
successive Sundays (or Holydays, if they intervene). If one of
the parties is a non-Catholic, six instructions on the Catholic
Faith are to be given, and in some places, no more than two of
these instructions may be given in one week. In some places, too,
there are prescribed instructions for the parties where both are
Catholic.

One month in advance of the wedding day is not too early to begin
the civil preparations. The first item on this list is the
"declarations of intention" (required in Rhode Island and some
other jurisdictions). This is a preliminary investigation by the
civil authorities. If the couple passes this inspection, they may
proceed to the next step. In this investigation such information
is sought as "Name, residence, date of birth, age, color
birthplace, occupation, father's name, mother's maiden name,
father's birthplace, mother's birthplace, father's occupation,
number of this marriage, divorced (place and date), and to be
married by whom and where."

The next step is the physical examination, which means being
certified by a licensed physician that neither of the couple has
tuberculosis or the venereal diseases in the infectious stages.
The license will not be granted until a "clean bill of health" is
presented. The physical examination and the blood test must be
made within forty days before the issuance of the marriage
license. All of this may sound very formidable, but any licensed
physician may perform the physical examination and there are many
places (in Rhode Island about twenty-five laboratories are
listed) where the blood test may be made.

The issuance of the marriage license is a simple matter after
these preliminaries have been taken care of. The license in Rhode
Island is good for a period of three months. If the wedding is
delayed longer than three months a new license must be obtained.


Society is Interested

You may wonder "why all this red tape" so far as the state is
concerned. People have said "we are in love and want to get
married, and we aren't concerned with marrying the city or the
state, and we are not trying to carry the whole human race with
us. This is our affair. Why do we have to bother with all this
stuff?" It may be very well for our romanticists to say that
"when two people are in love, nothing else matters." But ever
since the history of mankind has been written, and even from
remnants left by pre-historic man, society has taken an interest
in marriage. It is not a mere private affair. In the Church
doctrine, it is classified as one of the social sacraments. There
is not a civilized or uncivilized people living on earth that
does not have some kind of laws for the protection of the persons
themselves. Last semester I was teaching a course on "Marriage
and the Family" and some of the students objected to the textbook
being used. The book did not give them answers to particular
questions, or supply them with a lot of "facts." It was subtitled
"A Social Philosophy." I insisted that it was exactly the kind of
textbook to be used for something as important as Marriage,
because the most important thing is to acquire the proper
attitude toward Marriage, rather than get a collection of
information, much of which might be out of date before the person
was ready for marriage.

It is important to recognize the fact that marriage laws are made
for the protection of married people. Recently the Director of
Public Health in Providence stopped a marriage because one of the
parties applying for a license was incapable of making a legal
contract. The Rhode Island law forbids marriage under such
circumstances. This is but a sample of how the laws are made for
the protection of the persons themselves.


Civil Laws

One of the important regulations of the civil law concerns the
age of the parties. If they are both over twenty-one years of
age, they do not need the consent of their parents to their
marriage. If John is eighteen and Mary sixteen, they may obtain a
license if their parents give approval, and if John or Mary is
below the ages just given, they must also obtain permission of
the Juvenile Court before a license will be issued to them.

Unlike other states, Rhode Island does not impose a waiting
period between the issuance of the license and the performance of
the marriage ceremony, when the woman concerned is a native of
this state. If she is from outside this state, however, a five-
day wait is demanded by law.


Church Laws

Having passed the civil barrier, John and Mary must now have
their status determined by the other body of which they are
members, the Church. The Church official who is the equivalent of
the recorder in the city hall, is Mary's pastor, or a priest
authorized to act in his place. To determine who they are in the
eyes of the Church, they must present a copy of the baptismal
record, always to be obtained from the church in which the
baptism took place. That record will also contain information
about their reception of two other sacraments, their first Holy
Communion and their Confirmation, both of which should precede
their marriage. (It might be added, in passing, that the copy of
this record should be of recent date, and not one taken from the
"family Bible.")

Whether they know it or not, John and Mary are now to face a more
searching examination than was required to obtain their clearance
by the civil authorities. For the ordinary couple it is not
embarrassing or difficult, and it will normally require less time
than was necessary to satisfy the state laws. But it is thorough,
and it may be well at this point to state exactly why. The rules
of the Church would be different if John and Mary were about to
enter a master-and-slave contract. Or if the contract they
proposed to negotiate were merely one entered into by two owners
of property and concerned itself with the transfer of goods and
chattels, the attitude of the Church would be something else
again. But because in the eyes of the Church, John and Mary are
two creatures of God, capable of reasoning, possessing free will,
and are about to enter into a contract and a union which will
last as long as they are both alive, a union which will normally
result in the birth of free creatures like themselves--because of
these considerations, the Church throws around this contract a
series of inquiries and safeguards to protect them, to protect
their future offspring, and to insure, as far as her vigilance
and experience can, that their marriage will be both happy and
lasting.

There are many fields into which the Church does not enter. There
are, for example, no church laws to regulate or to forbid the
marriage of persons from different levels of society or of
persons of different cultural backgrounds. A king may marry a
commoner, and be validly married in the mind of the Catholic
Church. No church law forbids marriage between persons of
different countries or races. No distinction is made in the
Church's law concerning marriage between those who are rich and
those who are poor, nor is there one law for Catholics in Asia
and another for Catholics in other parts of the world. The laws
of the Church in this matter concern the fundaments of religion,
not accidental circumstances or social views; they do not regard
local prejudices, but are framed in conformity with divine and
natural law, and they follow from the commission which the Church
has received from Christ to instruct her children properly, to
shield them, and to bring them eventually to Heaven. Catholics,
therefore, cannot act as Catholics and evade the authority and
regulations of their Church in effecting a marriage. For marriage
is a sacrament and must be received from the Church as the other
sacraments are received. A Catholic who attempts marriage before
a civil authority would be just as logical if he went to the
justice of the peace for Confirmation or the sacrament of
Penance.

The pastor of the bride has always had the duty of investigating
the status of those who present themselves for marriage. More
recently, the Congregation of the Sacraments, an ecclesiastical
body in Rome in charge of all matters pertaining to Matrimony and
other sacraments, ordered that a special form of questionnaire be
prepared and employed, and that each party to a marriage be
questioned separately. In this way what was always the duty of
the pastor has been more accurately defined, and the exact
questions on which the pastor should secure information have been
put down literally in black and white.


Freedom to Marry

A few moments ago I said that the Church regarded this marriage
of John and Mary as vitally important because they are creatures
of God who possess free will and are capable of thinking and
choosing for themselves. For that reason the questionnaire they
answer is entitled "An investigation concerning the state of
freedom..." That freedom or liberty is a most important aspect of
this contract. The couple must be entirely free, not only in the
sense that they are not already bound by the obligations of a
previous marriage, but they must be absolutely free from all
pressure or force in deciding to marry one another. They must
swear that they are marrying whom they themselves choose to
marry, because they want to.

That is why both Mary and John will be asked (Question 17 in the
form): "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will,
without being forced by anyone whether physically or morally?"
That liberty to choose is the very heart of the contract and its
importance cannot be over-emphasized. With it rank the two
questions which follow it in the investigation: "Do you realize
the obligations which marriage entails?" and "Do you realize that
you cannot marry again once you have contracted this marriage,
unless death dissolves the bond?"

Anything that destroys freedom of consent, destroys the marriage
entirely. When John and Mary say "I will" to the contract, they
must do so of their own free will and without being forced by
anyone or anything. The mutual, free consent of each is the
essence of marriage. Incidentally, when they each have exchanged
their consent to the contract they have married themselves. The
priest is a witness whose presence is necessary because this is a
Church ceremony and a sacrament, but they themselves, not the
priest, are the ministers of the sacrament of Matrimony. A
priest, or a bishop, is ordinarily the minister of the other
sacraments. In Matrimony only it is the candidates themselves.
Consequently, that they know what the sacrament is, and that they
willingly bind themselves to its duties and accept its rights, is
all important. That is why the inquiry of John and Mary by the
pastor, although it contains many other questions, is properly
called an investigation concerning their state of freedom.

We might follow this questionnaire point by point to discover the
other matters with which the pastor's inquiry deals. But perhaps
it will be simpler to look at it from another angle. The pastor's
purpose is to discover if there is any obstacle, removable or
irremovable, to the union of John and Mary. These obstacles in
Church language are called "impediments," and are of two kinds,
"prohibitive," and "diriment." If, in the enumeration of these
impediments, you are struck with the thought that many of these
obstacles could rarely present themselves in the lives of the
ordinary candidates for marriage, you should remember that those
who framed these laws are also aware of that; but the law must be
prepared to provide a decision or the basis for a decision in any
case which may arise. From a knowledge based on long experience,
the Church has legislated for the many situations which may
occur, and the almost innumerable complexities in which her
children may entangle their lives.


Prohibitive Impediments

"Prohibitive impediments" are those obstacles which make a
marriage gravely unlawful; yet if the marriage is performed,
these particular impediments do not make the marriage invalid--it
will be a real marriage but sinful. Church law lists three
prohibitive impediments: 1. if a person has taken a vow not to
marry, a vow of virginity, or a vow to receive Holy Orders or to
enter the religious life; 2. if the persons to be married are
related by legal adoption, in countries where the civil law
forbids such persons to marry; 3. if one of the persons wishing
to be married is baptized in another religion, or, although a
baptized Catholic, has been a practicing member of another
religion since his baptism. This is an important impediment to
understand, and it is one which arises more frequently than the
other two. All marriages between Catholics and Protestants run
into this impediment, but not a marriage between a Catholic and
one who is unbaptized, as for example, a Mohammedan. Such a union
is blocked by a diriment impediment (see below).


Mixed Marriage

The objection of the Church to such marriages is that married
persons live so intimate and close a life that in a marriage of
persons with mixed religious beliefs, there is present a real
danger to the faith of the Catholic involved. The Church can give
no one permission to live in the proximate danger of losing his
faith. How, then, does it happen that the Church gives her
permission to the marriage of a Catholic with a Protestant? The
answer is that this danger is removable, and when proper steps
have been taken, the Church considers that the danger has been
removed. These steps consist in the following: a.) giving the
non-Catholic party some knowledge of the Catholic's belief and
practices (the Six Instructions referred to above); b.) in
obtaining a freely given promise that the Catholic party will be
interfered with in no way in the practice of the Catholic
religion; and c.) in obtaining a further promise that all the
children of such a marriage will be baptized in the Catholic
faith and brought up as members of the Catholic Church.

In the absence of such promises, the danger to the faith of the
Catholic remains, and the Church will not countenance the
marriage, as the state would not license a marriage if one of the
persons concerned refused to submit to a blood test.

It is not a question here of being narrow-minded or broad-minded.
Neither is it the intention of the Church to stigmatize the
Protestant man or woman involved as morally inferior, or as a
person who enters marriage with an evil motive. Nor is the Church
unaware that sometimes the heroic faith and practice of the
Catholic spouse has been instrumental in bringing the non-
Catholic to the Catholic faith. The basic fact is that one cannot
tie one's whole life and happiness so closely to that of another
and not be influenced in that association, which is unlike any
other on earth.


Destroying Impediments

So much for the first type of impediments. The second kind,
called "Diriment" or "Destroying impediments," are more serious,
because when not dispensed by the Church they render the marriage
invalid, that is, no marriage. In a word, there is no marriage
when a diriment impediment blocks the way. These impediments are
more numerous, and they include the following:

1. a want of proper age; the man must be at least sixteen, the
woman, at least fourteen;

2. impotency, or the physical inability of either person to
perform the marriage act from which children will normally be
born. This does not mean sterility, or the inability to beget or
bear children, but the impediment is limited to the inability to
perform the act which leads to the generation of children. This
impotency must be perpetual, and of such a nature that it cannot
be remedied by natural means. (Sterility is not an impediment,
because, although it prevents the attainment of the primary
purpose of marriage--the generation of children--it does not
prevent the attainment of the secondary aims, namely, mutual
association and a remedy for concupiscence and the good of the
sacrament.)

3. the bond of an existing marriage. Any previous marriage must
have ended either through the death of one of the contracting
parties, or must have been declared "no marriage" by an
ecclesiastical court. A document of such a decision must be
offered in evidence;

4. if one of the applicants for marriage is an unbaptized member
of another religion. This is similar to the obstacle to the
marriage of a Catholic and a baptized member of another religion,
but this obstacle is more serious. The same conditions are
prescribed for a dispensation from this impediment, namely, a
grave and just cause for proceeding with the marriage, and a
sworn guarantee concerning the faith of the Catholic party and
the children;

5. no one who is in Holy Orders may validly marry, nor may one
who has taken solemn vows;

6. the act of adultery with the promise of marriage, or the
murder of a husband or wife to clear the way for another
marriage;

7. relationship to the third degree--second cousins. This
relationship is called "consanguinity," or that which exists
between persons of the same blood. Once a person has been
married, a relationship called "affinity" exists between the
person and his relatives by marriage. An impediment to a second
marriage is thus raised and it extends to the first cousins of
one's former wife or husband, and all who are more closely
related by marriage;

8. living publicly in an invalid marriage relationship, with or
without a marriage ceremony. Anyone in such a situation is
impeded from marrying any person directly related to the one with
whom he has lived, that is, with parents or children of such a
person.

9. spiritual relationship. Such an impediment exists between a
sponsor in baptism and the person baptized, or between the one
baptizing and the sponsor.

If our imaginary John and Mary find one of these diriment
impediments standing in the way of their marriage, may they
secure a dispensation? That depends on whether the impediment
arises from divine law, from the natural law, or from
ecclesiastical law. In the case of an impediment that comes from
Church law, it is apparent that since the Church has the power to
make the law, she also has the power to dispense from it. Thus an
impediment arising from want of age may be dispensed, if a
sufficiently serious reason can be advanced. But when it is a
question of divine or natural law, the Church, which did not make
these laws, cannot dispense from them. Thus, one who is already
validly married cannot be dispensed, because the divine law
forbids it, and one who is directly related to another, in the
same family, is prohibited by the natural law from marriage with
such a close relative.


The Banns

When it has been established that there is no impediment to the
marriage of John and Mary, the next step is the publication of
the banns, or public notices of their intention to marry. In the
ordinary course of events this intention must be announced on
three successive Sundays (or Holydays, if one intervenes), at the
principal Mass, in the parishes in which Mary and John have
official residence. For a sufficient reason, the pastor may omit
one publication of the banns, and the bishop may give permission
to omit them altogether. But the banns are intended to call to
the attention of the faithful the fact that these persons are
planning to be married, and if any obstacle to such a marriage is
known, the opportunity is thus afforded to prevent what might be
an improper marriage, or perhaps an invalid one.

The care and precautions which are taken in the preliminaries to
marriage are not without their compensations. Nothing that is
worth while is accomplished without effort and taking pains, and
a happy marriage is no exception. Not only is their future
welfare assured, with as much certainty as human prudence and
wisdom can bestow, but the ceremony in which they exchange their
vows is a ritual especially designed for the reception of this
sacrament. This marriage ritual is an old one, so old that some
of the language used has long since passed out of common speech.
According to this rite, John and Mary declare in public their
intention to be married, and they pronounce separately their
promise to one another in all the fortunes of life, until death
separates them. The ring, the symbol of their wedded union, is
blessed, and in the act of giving the ring, they "plight their
troth," or pledge their faith and loyalty to one another. The
prayer of the priest, with which this ceremony closes, is that
those who have thus been joined together by God, may be preserved
together by His help.


Instruction Before Marriage

In the beginning of this talk we visualized our imaginary couple,
John and Mary, before the altar about to be married. The first
words they will hear from the priest will be those of the
"Instruction before Marriage." To those of you who are married it
will strike a familiar note. To all of you it will be a summary
of the other discussions in this course of lectures. It is a
beautiful expression of the Christian doctrine of love and the
theology of marriage and its purposes.

"My dear friends, you are about to enter into a union which is
most sacred and most serious. It is most sacred because it is
established by God Himself; most serious, because it will bind
you together for life in a relationship so closed and so intimate
that it will profoundly influence your whole future. That future
with its hopes and disappointments, its successes and its
failures, its pleasures and its pains, its joys and its sorrows,
is hidden from your eyes. You know that these elements are
mingled in every life, and are to be expected in your own. And so
not knowing what is before you, you take each other for better or
for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health,
until death.

"Truly, then, these words are most serious. It is a beautiful
tribute to your undoubted faith in each other, that recognizing
their full import, you are nevertheless, so willing to pronounce
them. And because these words involve such solemn obligations, it
is most fitting that you rest the security of your wedded life
upon the great principle of self-sacrifice. And so you begin your
married life by the voluntary and complete surrender of your
individual lives in the interest of that deeper and wider life
which you are to have in common. Henceforth you belong entirely
to each other; you will be . And whatever sacrifices you may
hereafter be required to make to preserve this common life,
always make them generously. Sacrifice is usually difficult and
irksome. Only love can make it easy; and perfect love can make it
a joy. We are willing to give in proportion as we love. And when
love is perfect the sacrifice is complete. God so loved the world
that He gave His Only Begotten Son; and the Son so loved us that
He gave Himself for our salvation. 'Greater love than this no man
hath, that a man lay down his life for his friends.'

"No greater blessing can come to your married life than pure
conjugal love, loyal and true to the end. May, then, this love
with which you join your hands and hearts today never fail, but
grow deeper and stronger as the years go on. And if true love and
the unselfish spirit of perfect sacrifice guide your every
action, you can expect the greatest measure of earthly happiness
that may be allotted to man in this vale of tears. The rest is in
the hands of God. Nor will God be wanting to your needs; He will
pledge you the life-long support of His graces in the holy
sacrament which you are now going to receive."


The Nuptial Mass

The Mass which follows the marriage ceremony is proper to this
occasion alone. Those portions of the Mass which change with the
various feasts of the year are in this case altered to ask God's
grace upon the newly married pair. The prayers of this Mass, the
Epistle and the Gospel are an appeal for John and Mary's welfare,
or a reminder to them of God's pronouncements on the married
state through the mouth of St. Paul the Apostle or through the
teaching of Christ Himself. Twice during the Mass the ordinary
sequence of the sacrifice is interrupted to impart the Nuptial
Blessing. That alone would indicate the solemnity with which the
Church regards this occasion, for the only other time such an
interruption occurs is during the Ordination of a priest or the
Consecration of a bishop. It hardly needs to be pointed out that
the Church considers the ordination and consecration of her own
representatives highly important. The Church indicates that the
marriage of John and Mary is no ordinary event by inserting two
special prayers in the Nuptial Mass, one immediately after the
Our Father has been recited by the priest, and one before the
last blessing of the Mass.


The Nuptial Blessing

The long prayer which follows the Our Father is directed. in a
general way toward the happiness of both John and Mary, but in a
special way it concerns Mary alone. Much of this prayer seeks for
her the grace that she may be strong and faithful, that she may
find peace, and that she, who will know so much of life in her
new state, may remain good and innocent. For her the Church
requests the happiness and virtues exemplified in three famous
wives and mothers of the Old Testament, Rachel, Rebecca, and
Sarah.

Finally, before the customary blessing for all the congregation
is given, the priest departs from the regular service again, and
in a final benediction for John and Mary only, calls upon the God
of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob to be with
them, and to bless them greatly in every way, that on this earth
they may live to see not only children of their own, but their
children's children to the third and fourth generation, and that
after this life is over, they may enjoy everlasting life in
Heaven.

With this wish, the ceremony and the Mass are concluded. (The
Marriage Ceremony, with the Nuptial Mass and Nuptial Blessing are
reproduced in Appendix A.


The Church, Our Mother

One final note, regarding the Church's maternal attitude toward
her married children, could be made concerning the business of
fixing up wrong marriages. The Church is always eager to rectify
wrong marriages, that is, marriages which were illegally made but
to which there is no obstacle now. It is one of the most
difficult problems of the priest to bring back to the Church
persons who have left it in this way. However, if they really
wish to abandon their sinful life, they will find a most cordial
welcome from the priest. The priest will be happy to cooperate in
the necessary steps. The hardest thing for such Catholics is for
them to realize the harm they have done themselves. But it is one
of the greatest consolations to the priest to be able to sanctify
a marriage union and thus restore the parties to the life of
grace and friendship with God.


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. How long in advance of the wedding day should a couple consult
the pastor?

2. How does one go about getting a marriage license?

3. Is there a "waiting period" in every State?

4. What is meant by the "physical examination" required by civil
law?

5. Why is the state interested in Marriage?

6. Why is the Church interested in Marriage?

7. What is the "Investigation of freedom to marry"?

8. Who has the obligation of the pre-nuptial investigation?

9. What is an impediment?

10. Distinguish the two kinds of impediments.

11. Who administers the sacrament of Marriage?

12. Who are the persons to be present for a lawful Catholic
Marriage?

13. What is the Nuptial Mass?

14. At what part of the Catholic ceremony is the Nuptial Blessing
given?


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. What is the customary stipend to be given at a Catholic
wedding?

2. How much does it cost to have a formal wedding with a
reception for two hundred persons?

3. Is one required to follow Emily Post in all details of a
formal wedding?

4. What about throwing rice and confetti at the church door?

5. Must all of the parties in the wedding party be Catholics?

6. Should all of the members of the wedding party receive Holy
Communion at the Nuptial Mass?

7. Is it possible to have the wedding in the church when one of
the parties is a non-Catholic?

8. What is considered "appropriate music" during a "low" Nuptial
Mass? Name the pieces.



VII. GETTING THE CROWN

BY THE REVEREND THOMAS H. H. MCBRIEN, O.P., S.T.LR., S.T.L

The Reverend Thomas H. McBrien, O.P., is an assistant to the
Chaplain of the College and professor of Theology.

DO YOU remember the children's story of Cinderella? Cinderella
was changed by her fairy godmother into a beautiful princess.
With a touch of her magic wand, the fairy god-mother transformed
a ragged and wretched working girl into a charming immaculately
gowned young lady. Our Divine Lord did something similar to
marriage, the union of man and wife; only Christ did not use a
magic wand--but a Cross. By His presence at the wedding feast in
Cana of Galilee, Christ consecrated and sanctified marriage. By
His preaching during His Public Life, He sanctioned the essential
properties of marriage; its unity, its indissolubility. By His
Death on the Cross He merited all the graces which are
administered through the sacrament of Matrimony.

There is another similarity between the action of Cinderella's
fairy god-mother and the action of Our Divine Lord. Cinderella
was good, a hard-working girl; but her condition had been reduced
to slavery by the abuse heaped upon her by her miserable sisters.
Marriage as it came from the Hand of God in the garden of Eden
was good. The divinely established purpose of marriage was good.
Through the years, however, this sublime institution was
desecrated by the twin sisters of lust and selfishness.

By the fire of His love for men, Christ cauterized marriage of
its pagan corruption. He purged it of its cancerous infection.
Bandaging up the wounds inflicted by centuries of malpractice, He
restored marriage to its primitive perfection. The original
beauty and luster of marriage Christ renewed, but He changed
nothing essential. Whatever came from God in marriage, He
retained, for it was good, whatever came from the malice of men,
He eradicated, for it was evil. Christ did more than restore
marriage to its former beauty, He not only purified it; He
sanctified it; He made it holy; He raised marriage to the sublime
dignity of a sacrament.


Channel of Grace

In elevating marriage to the dignity of a sacrament, then, Our
Divine Lord made it one of the links which unite men to His
Passion. He made it one of the channels through which His grace
could flow into the souls of men. He made it one of the
instruments which can sanctify the lives of men, one of the
instruments which can make men holy. Since it is grace that makes
men holy, it is the grace that the sacrament of Matrimony causes
which is able to make married men and women holy. Theologians
tell us that there is a threefold supernatural effect of
marriage, a triple grace which this sacrament causes: an increase
in sanctifying grace, sacramental grace, and a right or title to
actual grace. Our task here is to discover the role of each of
these graces in the life of husband and wife. In so doing, we
shall discover the sanctifying power of Christian marriage.


Sanctifying Grace

Just exactly what is sanctifying grace? What do we mean when we
say that one of the effects of sacramental marriage is an
increase in sanctifying grace? No doubt you have heard it
described as a white and shining dress that clothes the soul; a
wedding garment which must be worn to the heavenly nuptials; a
pearl of great price; a treasure hidden in a field. These are all
true, but they are metaphors. What is sanctifying grace in
itself? Most people think of it as something strictly
supernatural; something mysterious; something imaginary. Well, it
is supernatural, something above our nature; it is mysterious,
something we do not understand. But it is not imaginary! It is
real! You do not see it; you cannot feel it. It is spiritual,
even as your soul is spiritual. You cannot see or touch your
soul, but you would not deny the reality of your soul. So also is
grace real. It is a real quality placed in your soul by God; a
real quality which modifies your soul. It disposes your soul; it
brings your soul into perfect harmony with God. As we look at a
group of engaged couples we see that all the young men are strong
and handsome; all the young ladies are charming and beautiful.
That beauty and that health are qualities, dispositions of your
bodies. So grace is a quality, a disposition of your soul, which
makes your soul strong and healthy and beautiful in the sight of
God. As the air we breathe penetrates every nook and cranny of
the room we are in, so God's grace penetrates the very marrow of
your soul, cleansing it of imperfections, purifying it, making it
pleasing in God's sight.


Sharing Divine Life

This sanctifying grace, this real spiritual disposition in your
soul, is nothing else than a participation in the very life of
God. According to St. Peter, it makes men "partakers of the
divine nature" (II Peter, I, 4). It does not make men gods; but
it does make men God-like. Everyone in the state of grace lives a
supernatural life; everyone in the state of grace shares with
Christ divine life.


Grace Perfects Nature

A young couple, therefore, beginning their married life together,
are already united by the mystical bond of sanctifying grace.
Having already received the sacraments of Baptism, Penance,
Confirmation, and the Holy Eucharist, they possess sanctifying
grace in their souls. Even before they are joined by the sacred
bond of Matrimony they share with each other the common life of
Christ. When they receive this sacrament that supernatural life
which is sanctifying grace is increased, and it penetrates their
natural life through and through. It transforms and makes divine
their natural lives. Their natural qualities of mind and heart,
grace perfects and supernaturalizes. The young wife is kind,
sympathetic, gentle; the young husband is thoughtful, generous,
good-natured. These natural dispositions are not changed by
grace. Ten minutes after the wedding ceremony--as well as ten
years afterwards--the husband and wife still possess their
natural characteristics. Grace does not crush them, but rather
blends them, elevates them to the supernatural order, transforms
them into Christ-like virtues. It channels them into the service
of each other and the service of God. Just as electricity is
transformed into light and heat, giving warmth and illumination
to their bodies, so grace transforms the natural capabilities
which give light and warmth to their hearts. The snow which falls
on the trees does not destroy the tree, but clothes it in a dress
of white; so grace makes the natural powers of their souls shine
brilliantly in the sight of God. Above all, their natural love
and affection for each other, removed by grace from the slush of
concupiscence, is sanctified and transformed into a pure and
sacred passion. Their purified love becomes a high and holy
romance.

The sanctifying power of Matrimony is, therefore, derived first
of all from the increase of sanctifying grace in the soul. At the
moment when the sacrament is received, a channel opens between
the souls of the bride and groom and the Passion of Christ, and
grace--supernatural, mysterious divine life--pours into their
souls to make them holy.


Sacramental Grace

Marriage is a vocation, a noble, divine vocation. By a divine
vocation we mean a special calling by Almighty God. No one has
any difficulty in recognizing that a vocation to the priesthood
or the religious life is a special calling. It is a distinct,
solemn, personal call from God to an individual man or woman. In
His loving Providence, God has His own definite designs on each
of His children. For some He plans a sacred vocation to the
priesthood or cloister. For others He plans a sacred vocation to
the married state. To one He offers the sacrament of Holy Orders;
to another He offers the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. To everyone
God gives the grace to live his vocation worthily.

In order that the Blessed Virgin might carry out her sublime
duties as the Mother of God, her soul was flooded with grace.
Mary had a special calling, and, therefore, she received a
special grace. St. Dominic was called by God to special duties in
the Church--the founding of a religious order. God gave to him
the special talents, the special equipment, the special grace
necessary for such a tremendous undertaking. It is always thus.
God is never inconsistent. Whenever He calls someone to a special
office or a special duty, He always supplies the necessary grace
to carry out that duty. In those called to the priesthood, He
infuses special sacramental grace--grace which will enable the
priest to perform his duties worthily. To those whom He has given
a vocation to marriage, God also gives special sacramental grace.
When the bride and bridegroom exchange their consent, they
receive the sacrament, and it is then that God gives them the
grace to their vocation--the sacramental grace of Matrimony.
Grace makes a person holy. The sacramental grace of marriage
makes married persons holy. It is God's wedding gift to the bride
and groom--a wedding gift that will perfect their conjugal love,
that will preserve their fidelity to the marital obligations,
that will enable them to educate their children in the ways of
God. On the day of their wedding, "they open for themselves a
treasure of sacramental grace from which they draw supernatural
power for the fulfilling of their rights and duties faithfully,
holily, and perseveringly unto death" ("Casti Conubii").

"The primary end of marriage is the procreation and education of
children; its secondary end is mutual help and the allaying of
concupiscence" (Code of Canon Law, No. 1013). The sacramental
grace which God infuses at the time of marriage is a permanent
disposition in the soul which inclines the husband and wife to
attain these purposes with holy regard for God's law, and, in
attaining the ends of marriage to sanctify themselves, to make
themselves holy. Sacramental grace, God's wedding gift, is the
second source, or font, of holiness in Christian marriage.


Actual Grace

How different is God's wedding gift from the gifts of human
parents. A father presents his son with a new car for a wedding
gift. On the day of the wedding he gives him a check for a
thousand dollars and says: "All right, son, now you're on your
own." What the father means is that from the day of the wedding
the son can expect no more help from his father. The recipients
of the sacrament of Matrimony can expect God's help not only on
the wedding day, but every single day of their married life. They
can expect that divine help because they have a right to it. This
is the third supernatural effect of the sacrament--a right to all
the actual graces necessary for living holy lives in the married
state.

Sanctifying grace and sacramental grace are permanent qualities,
lasting dispositions, existing in the soul. They remain as long
as mortal sin does not crowd them out of the soul. Actual grace,
on the other hand, does not exist permanently in the soul. It is
not an habitual disposition in the soul. Rather is it a special
help, a special divine motion, here and now assisting man to
perform a particular good action or to avoid a particular bad
action. After the good action has been performed or after the
temptation has been overcome, the actual grace, the movement from
God ceases. It is a passing, transient assistance which God gives
in time of necessity.

When the sacrament of Matrimony is received--at the very same
moment when sanctifying grace and sacramental grace are infused
into their souls, the bride and groom also receive a right, a
title to this actual grace of God. God binds Himself, so to
speak, directly to assist the married couple whenever they need
His help. Here again there is a similarity between the sacraments
of Holy Orders and Holy Matrimony. At ordination, a supernatural
character is impressed on the soul of the priest. In virtue of
that priestly character, God obliges Himself directly to concur
with the action of the priest.


Every Day in Every Way

In the sacrament of Matrimony, there is no character impressed
upon the soul of the husband or wife; there is formed, however, a
moral bond which permanently unites the couple. By reason of that
moral bond, God obliges Himself to assist the couple whenever
they need the strengthening power of actual grace. Since the
matrimonial bond cannot be broken, it remains a permanent title
to divine assistance. God, Who is ever merciful, will not be
found wanting. He will give His actual grace--not just during the
wedding ceremony so that the bride will not faint, so that the
groom will not stumble up the altar stairs--not just during the
wedding ritual, or not just during the honeymoon, but every
moment of every day of every year of their married life.

Almighty God knows the frailty of human nature; He knows the
limited strength of man; He knows that raging passions sometimes
crave sinful satisfaction; He knows how great the fears that gnaw
at human hearts; He knows the abysmal depths of sin to which man
can plunge. And He knows that these are the elements which cause
the temptations, the failures, the pain, the sorrow in married
life. God knows all this. Because He knows full well the human
mind and heart, because God knows man so well, He is ever present
with His Divine grace to turn failure into success, pain into
pleasure, sorrow into joy, fear and disappointment into high
hopes, and to turn a perilous voyage on the sea of matrimony into
a peaceful moonlight sail.


The Midnight Hour

One brief consideration remains. Let us, just for a moment,
return to Cinderella. When the fairy godmother changed Cinderella
into a charming princess, she placed a condition, a stipulation.
Cinderella must be obedient; she would have to return home early;
for at the stroke of midnight, she would be changed back into her
wretched condition.

Almighty God has placed a condition on the graces which He gives
in Christian marriage. He will continue to sanctify marriage. He
will continue to sanctify those who are married--with His
presence through sanctifying grace and with His assistance
through actual grace--as long as the husband and wife are
obedient to His commandments, as long as they walk worthy of the
vocation in which they are called. If they desecrate the
sacredness of marriage by violating their marriage vows, if they
destroy the sanctity of the Christian home by unholy practices,
if they kill the supernatural life of their souls through grave
sin, then the peace and happiness which He has promised in
marriage will not be theirs.

We are living in a materialistic society, a society which,
denying the spiritual order, measures all things in terms of
material or earthly values. The dignity of the human person is
scoffed at and, therefore, the sanctity of marriage is ridiculed.
Adultery, divorce, birth control, every type of impurity is no
longer looked upon as sinful, as base and disgraceful. It is
justified even praised, by some allegedly learned scientists. In
the wake of this materialistic living, we find broken homes,
diseased bodies, neurotic souls. The hospitals of the world are
overflowing with men and women who deny the dignity of the human
person and the sanctity of marriage. Even more terrifying is the
thought that Hell is probably overflowing with the same type of
people!

That is why the Christian home and Christian marriage must be
immersed in prayer. That is why constant recourse must be made to
Christ Our Lord who gave us the Great Sacrament. That is why
husbands and wives, fathers and mothers with their children, must
be on their knees every day praying to Mary, the Mediatrix of All
Grace. That is why in the exhortation after the marriage
ceremony, the priest charges the newly married couple: "Cherish
with solicitude the grace that this day has been conferred upon
you; it will direct you in every difficulty; it will comfort you
in the hour of trial; it will be a continual source of peace, of
joy, of mutual affection on earth, and a pledge of your eternal
union in heaven" (Roman Ritual).


QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW

1. Was the natural institution of marriage good?

2. How did marriage become a source of grace?

3. What is the ultimate source of the grace of Matrimony?

4. What is sanctifying grace?

5. What other means of grace are available to a man and woman
even before marriage?

6. Is marriage a special vocation?

7. How does Canon Law define the purposes of marriage?

8. What is meant by "God's wedding gift?"

9. What is the difference between sacramental grace and actual
grace?

10. How does sacramental grace work in the soul?

11. Under what conditions may a couple expect to receive grace
during their married life?

12. Why must the Christian home be "immersed in prayer?"


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. In sacramental marriage, is everything a husband and wife do a
source of grace?

2. Is this sacrament, with all its graces, received by both
parties whether Catholic or non-Catholic?

3. Does not the grace of the sacrament of Matrimony take the
husband and wife "out of this world" and make them impractical
about human affairs?

4. Since grace does so much in marriage, why bother about social
and economic preparation?

5. Does every sacrament bring with it sacramental grace?



APPENDIX A.

CATHOLIC MARRIAGE CEREMONY AND PROPER OF THE NUPTIAL MASS, WITH
THE NUPTIAL BLESSING

The Priest asks the Bridegroom:

N., wilt thou take N., here present, for thy lawful wife,
according to the rite of our Holy Mother, the Church?

Response: I will.

Then the Priest asks the Bride:

N., wilt thou take N., here present, for thy lawful husband,
according to the rite of our holy Mother, the Church?

Response: I will.

The consent of one is not sufficient; it must be expressed in
some sensible sign by both. After obtaining their mutual consent,
the Priest bids the man and woman join their right hands. (In
places where it is customary, the man and woman pledge themselves
each to the other as follows, repeating these words after the
priest.)

The man says:

I, N. N., take thee, N. N., for my lawful wife, to have and to
hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer,
for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Then the woman says after the Priest:

I, N. N., take thee, N. N., for my lawful husband, to have and to
hold, from this day forward for better, for worse, for richer,
for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

The Bridegroom and the Bride may kneel, and the Priest says:

I join you together in marriage, in the name of the Father, + and
of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

He then sprinkles them with holy water. This done, the Priest
blesses the ring, saying:

Versicle: Our help is in the name of the Lord.

Response: Who made heaven and earth.

V.: O Lord, hear my prayer.

R.: And let my cry come unto Thee.

V.: The Lord be with you.

R.: And with thy spirit.

Let us pray: Bless + O Lord, this ring, which we bless + in Thy
name, that she who is to wear it, keeping true faith unto her
husband, may abide in Thy peace and obedience to Thy will, and
ever live in mutual love. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

The Priest sprinkles the ring with holy water in the form of a
cross; and the Bridegroom, having received the ring from the hand
of the Priest, put it on the third finger of the left hand of the
Bride, saying:

"With this ring I thee wed, and plight unto thee my troth."
(Plight is an old English word which means promise; troth means
faithfulness or fidelity. The sentence then means: "With this
ring l thee wed and promise unto thee my fidelity.")

The Priest then says:

In the name of the Father + and of the Son, and of the Holy
Ghost. Amen.

This done, the Priest adds:

V.: Preserve, O God, what Thou hast wrought in us.

R.: From out Thy holy temple which is in Jerusalem.

V.: Lord, have mercy.

R.: Christ, have mercy.

V.: Lord, have mercy.

Our Father (silently)

V.: And lead us not into temptation.

R.: But deliver us from evil.

V.: Save Thy servants.

R.: Who put their trust in Thee, my God.

V.: Send them help from the holy place.

R.: And from Sion come to their defense.

V.: Be Thou to them, O Lord, a tower of strength.

R.: Against the face of the enemy.

V.: O Lord, hear my prayer.

R.: And let my cry come unto Thee.

V.: The Lord be with you.

R.: And with thy spirit.

Let us pray: Look down, we beseech Thee, O Lord, upon these Thy
servants, and graciously protect Thy institutions, whereby Thou
hast provided for the propagation of mankind; that those who are
joined together by Thine authority may be preserved by Thy help.
Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

The Mass follows with the Nuptial Blessing.


PROPER OF THE NUPTIAL MASS WITH THE NUPTIAL BLESSING

The Introit or Officium. Tobias 7,15; 8,9

May the God of Israel join you together;
And may He be with you, who took pity upon two only children;
And now, O Lord, make them bless Thee more and more.

Psalm 127. Blessed are all who fear the Lord.
Who walk in His paths.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost.
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be world
without end. Amen.

May the God of Israel join you together;
And may He be with you, who took pity upon two only children;
And now, O Lord, make them bless Thee more and more.

The Collect.

Let us pray. O God, who hast consecrated the marriage bond by so
excelling a mystery, that in the nuptial bond Thou should
foreshadow the sacrament of Christ and the church; grant, we ask,
that what is done by the ministry of our office may be fully
perfected by Thy blessing. Through our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy
Son, who liveth and reigneth with Thee, in the unity of the Holy
Ghost, God: world without end. Amen.

The Epistle. Ephesians 5, 22-33

Brethren: Let wives be subject to their husbands as to the Lord;
because a husband is head of the wife, just as Christ is head of
the Church, being Himself Saviour of the body. But just as the
Church is subject to Christ, so also let wives be to their
husbands in all things. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ
also loved the Church, and delivered Himself up for her, that He
might sanctify her, cleansing her in the bath of water by means
of the word; in order that He might present to Himself the Church
in all her glory, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
but that she might be holy and without blemish. Even thus ought
husbands also love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves
his own wife, loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh;
on the contrary he nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ also
does the Church (because we are members of His body, made from
His flesh and His bones).

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and
shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh."

This is a great mystery--I mean in reference to Christ and to the
Church. However, let each one of you also love his wife just as
he loves himself; and let the wife respect her husband.

The Gradual or Responsory. Psalm 127,3

Thy wife is like a fruitful vine,
In the inmost parts of the house:
Thy sons are like shoots of the olive,
Round about thy board. Alleluia, alleluia.

Psalm 19. May the Lord send you help from the sanctuary.
And from Sion may He guard you! Alleluia.

(After Septuagesima, time of penance, the Gradual above is said
up to the first alleluia only, when the following tract is
added):

The Tract. Psalm 127, 4-6

Yea, thus is he blessed
Who feareth the Lord.
May the Lord bless thee from Sion:
Mayest thou see the weal of Jerusalem,
All the days of thy life.
Mayest thou see thy children's children.
Peace be on Israel!
(During Eastertide all the above is omitted and the following is
laid):

The Alleluia.

Alleluia, alleluia.
Psalm 19, 3. May He send thee help from the sanctuary,
And from Sion may he guard thee!

Psalm 133. May the Lord bless thee from Sion,
He who made heaven and earth! Alleluia!

The Gospel. SS. Matthew 19, 3-6

At that time: There came to Him some Pharisees, testing Him, and
saying, "Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for any
cause?" But He answered and said to them "Have you not read that
the Creator from the beginning, made them male and female, and
said. 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and
cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one 'flesh'?
Therefore now they are no longer two, but one flesh. What
therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder."

The Offertory Chant. Psalm 30

I put my trust in Thee, O Lord! I say: Thou art my God! In Thy
hands is my fate.

The Secret.

Receive, we beseech Thee, O Lord, the offering made for the holy
law of marriage; and be Thou ruler of this institution of which
Thou art author. Through our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Son, who
liveth and reigneth with Thee in the unity of the Holy Ghost,
God: world without end. Amen.

After the "Our Father" the Priest interrupts the usual sequence
of the Mall, and turning to the bridal couple who kneel before
the altar, confer the Nuptial Blessing upon them.

THE NUPTIAL BLESSING

Let us pray: Be appeased, O Lord, by our humble prayers, and in
Thy kindness assist this institution of marriage which Thou hast
ordained for the propagation of the human race; so that what is
here joined by Thy authority may be preserved by Thy assistance,
Through our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Son, who liveth and reigneth
with Thee, in the unity of the Holy Ghost, God for ever and ever.
Amen.

Let us pray: O God, by Thy mighty power Thou didst make all
things out of nothing. First, Thou didst set the beginnings of
the universe in order. Then, Thou didst make man in Thy image,
and didst appoint woman to be his inseparable helpmate. Thus Thou
didst make woman's body from the flesh of man, thereby teaching
that what Thou hast been pleased to institute from one principle
might never lawfully be put asunder. O God, Thou hast sanctified
marriage by a mystery so excellent that in the marriage union
Thou didst foreshadow the union of Christ and the Church.

O God, Thou dost join woman to man, and Thou dost endow that
fellowship with a blessing which was not taken away in punishment
for original sin nor by the sentence of the flood. Look, in Thy
mercy, upon this Thy handmaid, about to be joined in wedlock, who
entreats Thee to protect and strengthen her. Let the yoke of
marriage to her be one of love and peace. Faithful and chaste,
let her marry in Christ. Let her ever follow the model of holy
women: let her be dear to her husband like Rachel; wise like
Rebecca; long-lived and faithful like Sarah.

Let the author of sin work none of his evil deeds within her; let
her ever keep the faith and the commandments.

Let her be true to one wedlock and shun all sinful embraces; let
her strengthen weakness by stern discipline. Let her be grave in
demeanor, honorable for her modesty, learned in heavenly
doctrine, fruitful in children. Let her life be good and
innocent. Let her come finally to the rest of the blessed in the
kingdom of heaven.

May they both see their children's children unto the third and
fourth generation, thus attaining the old age which they desire.
Through the same Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Son, who liveth and
reigneth with Thee, in the unity of the Holy Ghost, God for ever
and ever. Amen.

The Communion. Psalm 127

Yes, thus is blessed the man, Who feareth the Lord.
And mayest thou see thy children's children.
Peace be on Israel! (T.P. Alleluia)

The Postcommunion.

Let us pray: We beseech Thee, almighty God, accompany the
institutions of Thy providence with gracious favor; that Thou
mayest preserve with lasting piety those whom Thou unitest in
lawful union. Through our Lord, Jesus Christ, Thy Son, who liveth
and reigneth with Thee, in the unity of the Holy Ghost, God:
world without end. Amen.

Before the Last Blessing of the Mass, the priest once more turns
to the bridal couple. These are the final good wishes, the final
prayer of the Church for the married. Afterwards the priest
blesses them with holy water.

May the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob be
with you, and may He bless you greatly in every way; that you may
see your children's children unto the third and fourth
generations, and therefore enjoy without end the blessed life of
heaven, with the help of Jesus Christ our Lord, who with the
Father and the Holy Ghost, lives and reigns, God through all
eternity. Amen.

(The priest continues with the Mass, giving the Last Blessing and
concluding with the Last Gospel.)



APPENDIX B: RECOMMENDED READINGS

CANA IS FOREVER, by Rev. Charles Hugo Doyle, xii, 260 pages, The
Nugent Press, Tarrytown, N. Y. (1949). $2.50--Essays on Christian
Marriage for those contemplating it as a career and for those
already married who are beset by the complexity of human nature.

MARRIAGE GUIDANCE, by Rev. Edwin F. Healy, S.J., xvi, 411 pages.
Loyola University Press, Chicago, Ill. (1948). $3.00--A study of
the problems of the married and those contemplating marriage,
written especially for use at the college level.

LIFE TOGETHER, by Wingfield Hope, viii, 199 pages. Sheed and
Ward, New York City. (1946) S2.50--A thoroughly Christian study
of the "pattern for marriage" and family life. Frank but delicate
treatment of the problems, both personal and social. Recommended
not only for those about to be married, but for all husbands and
wives as well.

THE HOUSE OF GOLD, by Rev. Bede Jarrett, O.P., 292 pages. The
Newman Press, Westminster, Maryland. (1930) $2.50--A collection
of Lenten sermons by the great English Dominican preacher.

THE CATHOLIC BOOK OF MARRIAGE, by Rev. Philip C. M. Kelly,
C.S.C., xiii, 297 pages. Farrar, Straus & Young, Inc., New York,
1951. $3.00.---The Marriage ceremony and counsels for success and
happiness in married life.

LOVE'S ROSES AND THORNS, by Rev. Nicholas Kremer, 331 pages. The
Mission Press, Techny, Ill. (1931) $2.00--Radio talks containing
a wealth of commonsense told in a very delightful way.

MARRIAGE AND THE FAMILY, by Rev. Jacques Leclercq, xx, 395 pages.
Frederick Pustet Co., New York City. (Revised 1948) $4.50--One of
the best social studies in the field. A scholarly treatment with
frequent philosophical and theological references, yet quite
readable.

NAZARETH, by Rev. M. S. MacMahon, 278 pages. The Newman Press,
Westminster, Maryland. (1948) $2.50--This little book is sub-
titled "A book of counsel and prayer for the married." It has a
prayer for every possible occasion of married life, along with
special instructions for special problems.

THE ART OF HAPPY MARRIAGE, by Rev. James A. Magner, The Bruce
Publishing Co., Milwaukee. (1947) $2.75--A pleasing discussion of
the problems before and after marriage.

THIS IS A GREAT SACRAMENT, the Marriage Preparation Service. The
Catholic Centre, Ottowa, Ontario, Canada.--This is by far the
best course on Marriage Preparation. In fifteen separate lessons
the problems are taken up, one by one, arranged with questions
after each lesson to make study and review more attractive.
Circulation is restricted to those specially recommended by the
clergy.

TWO IN ONE FLESH, by Rev. E. C. Messenger. 3 vols. on Sex and
Marriage. The Newman Press, Westminster, Maryland. 1948. ($7.50
for the set.) Under the headings, "An Introduction to Sex and
Marriage," "The Mystery of Sex and Marriage in Catholic
Theology," and "The Practice of Sex and Marriage," Dr. Messenger
has a scholar treatise of the Catholic viewpoint.

BODY AND SPIRIT, translated by Donald Attwater. Longmans, Green,
New York, (1939).--A collection of essays written from the
standpoint of agreement with the teaching of the Catholic Church
on sexuality and sexual relations.

MORALS AND MARRIAGE, by T. G. Wayne. Longmans, Green, New York,
(1936).--This small book with the subtitle "The Catholic
Background to Sex," is written by a professor of theology and a
doctor of Catholic philosophy, a member of the English Province
of the Order of Preachers. T. G. Wayne is a nom de plume.

THE CANA CONFERENCE, edited by Rev. John J. Egan. The Cana
Conference, Chicago, (1950).--This book of about 100 pages is a
report of the proceedings of a Study Week for Priests held at the
Dominican House of Studies in River Forest, Ill., in June 1949,
under the direct auspices of His Eminence Samuel Cardinal
Stritch.

THE FAMILY FOR FAMILIES, by Rev. Francis L. Filas, S.J., The
Bruce Publishing Co., Milwaukee. (1950) $2.50. A book to show
Catholic husbands and wives how to reproduce in their own homes
the spirit of holiness and happiness that prevailed at Bethlehem
and at Nazareth.


PAMPHLETS

MORAL QUESTIONS AFFECTING MARRIED LIFE, by Pope Pius XII, The
Paulist Press, New York, 1951. The text of the Holy Father's
Allocution delivered on October 29, 1951, to the delegates
attending the Congress of the Italian Catholic Union of Midwives.

MODERN YOUTH AND CHASTITY, by Rev. Gerald Kelly, S.J., The
Queen's Work, St. Louis, Ninth Printing, 1949.--A careful
presentation of the psychology of sex attraction and the moral
principles to guide its expression. This booklet of 100 pages
will answer most of the questions that arise during courtship and
will help to establish rules for healthy adjustment in married
life.

OUR GREAT SACRAMENT, by Rev. John F. O'Neil. St. Mary's Church,
Pawtucket, R. I. Nine short chapters covering the essentials of
preparation for marriage.

WHAT IS MARRIAGE?, by Rev. A. Vermeersch, S.J., The America
Press, New York. The text of Pope Pius' Encyclical on Christian
Marriage is broken down into 188 questions and answers. Splendid
for study clubs.

CHRISTIAN MARRIED LOVE, by Rev. Gerald Vann, O.P. Collegeville,
Minn. 1950.--A profound study of the beauty of married love by a
great theologian.



INDEX

Abortion
Abuse of sex
Actual grace
Adoption
Adultery
Affection, demonstrations of
Affinity
Age, lack of
Anatomy of sex
Atheism
Attacks on marriage
Attraction, physical

Banns
Bartholome, Bishop
Beauty of marriage
Birth Control
Birth controllers
Blessing, nuptial
Blessings of marriage
Blood test
Boss
Boys Town
Breast-feeding
Budget

Cana Conference
Cana day
Cana movement
Cana wedding feast
Catholic Mother of Year
Catholic Press
Ceremony, marriage
Channel of grace
Children
Children, how many?
Children, good of
Child-spacing
Christian Marriage
Christianizing marriage
Church investigation
Church law
Civil law
Civil preparations
Cinderella
Clean of heart
Compatibility
Compatibility, religious
Compatibility, social
Compatibility, true
Complementary, man and woman
Conception
Consanguinity
Continence
Contraception
Contract, Marriage
Courtship

Dad, a pal
Delaney, Rev. John
Destroying Impediments
Diriment Impediments
Discipline for children
Discovery era
Divorce
Double-date
Dowling, Rev. Edward

Economic Goods, kinds of
Economic Factor
Education, Catholic
Education, Family Life
Education, Sex
Engagement
Engagement, long
Engagement ring
Equality of sexes
Eternal Triangle

Family, Foundation of
Family Life Bureau
Family Renewal Ass'n
Family, the large
Fear of Pregnancy
Female Physiology
Feminine Modesty
Feminists
Fertility
Fertilization
Fidelity, Good of
Flannagan, Father
Foundation of Family
Forum, Marriage
Free Love
Freedom to Marry
Freud
Frigidity
Fruit of Marriage

God's Help
God's Wedding Gift
Going Steady
Goods of Marriage
Grace, Actual
Grace, Channel of
Grace, of Marriage
Grace perfects Nature
Grace, Sacramental
Grace, Sanctifying

Happy Marriage
Heredity
Holy Orders
Homemaking
Humor, sense of

Impediments
Impediments, Destroying
Impediments, Diriment
Impediments, Prohibitive
Impotency
Indissolubility
Individualism
Industrialization
Infertility, Natural
In-Laws
Inspiration
Institution of Marriage
Instruction before Marriage
Inventory, Marriage
Investigation, Church
Investigation, Civil

Jarrett, Fr. Bede
Justice in Marriage
Juvenile Court

Lactation
Large Family
Law, Church
Law, Civil
Laws, Reasons for
License
Life Together
Love, Kinds of
Love, Married
Love, Soul of

Maladjustments, Sexual
Male Physiology
Man and Woman
Marriage, Blessings of
Marriage Ceremony
Marriage Contract
Marriage, Forum
Marriage, Good of
Marriage, Institution
Marriage Inventory
Marriage Ministers of
Marriage, Mixed
Marriage, Novitiate to
Marriage Purpose of
Marriage Sacrament of
Marriage, Sacrifice in
Marriage, Vocation of
Marriage and Society
Married Love
Married Students
Mass, Nuptial
Materialism
Menopause
Mental requirements
Ministers of Marriage
Misinformation, agencies of
Mixed Marriage
Mixed, Promises in
Modern Marriage
Modern Motherhood
Modesty
Modesty, Feminine
Money
Mother Church
Mother or Child
Mothers, Working

Natural Infertility
Natural Law
Naturalism
Novitiate to Marriage
Nuptial Blessing
Nuptial Mass

Old Folks
Only Child
Original Sin and Marriage
Ottawa Marriage Course
Ovulation

Partnership
Pius XI, Pope
Philosophy, Social
Physical Examination
Physical Attraction
Physical Requirements
Physiology, Female
Physiology, Male
Physiology of Sex
Postponing Conception
Prayer
Pre-Cana
Pregnancy
Pregnancy, Fear of
Pre-Marital Sex
Preparation, Necessity of
Preparations, Church
Preparations, Civil
Press, The Catholic
Priesthood, Vocation to
Prohibitive Impediments
Promises in Mixed Marriage
Psychology of Sex
Public Decency
Purpose of Marriage

Rachel
Rebecca
Relationship, Affinity
Relationship, Consanguinity
Relationship, Spiritual
Religious Compatibility
Requirements, Mental
Requirements, Physical
Responsibilities of Marriage
Rh Factor
Ring, Engagement
Ring, Wedding
Rhythm

Sacrament, Good of
Sacrament of Marriage
Sacramental Grace
Sacrifice in Marriage
Sanctifying Grace
Sarah
Schmiedeler, Rev. Edgar
Secularism
Self-discipline
Self-seeking pleasure
Sense of humor
Setting the date
Sex, abuse of
Sex, Anatomy of
Sex, and Marriage
Sex, education
Sex Pre-marital
Sex Physiology of
Sex, psychology of
Sexual maladjustments
Sheen, Bishop Fulton J.
Social Compatibility
Social Philosophy
Society's interest
Solemn Vows
Spiritual Relationship
St. Cloud plan
Sterility
Temptations in Marriage
The Lord Provides
This is a Great Sacrament
Triangle, Eternal

Understanding
Urbanization

Vacations, separate
Virtues
Vocation
Vocation, Married

Wedding Gift, God's
Wedding Ring
Who's boss?
Window-shopping
Working Mothers
Working Wives

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