THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK


Reverend George A. Kelly


Foreword by FRANCIS CARDINAL SPELLMAN
Archbishop of New York


Copyright, 1959, by Random House, Inc.


Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 59-10826


NIHIL OBSTAT: John A. Goodwine, J.C.D., Censor Librorum

IMPRIMATUR: Francis Cardinal Spellman, Archbishop of New York

The nihil obstat and imprimatur are official declarations that a book
or pamphlet is free of doctrinal or moral error. No implication is
contained therein that those who have granted the nihil obstat and
imprimatur agree with the contents, opinions or statements expressed.

August 22, 1959



                   This book is a memorial
                   to eleven wonderful and
                        happy years in
              Saint Monica's Parish, New York City,
                        and to people
                   I will always cherish with
                        fond affection.



ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many good people have made the writing of this book a pleasure and have
contributed much to the finished product. Our Regional Family Life
Directors in New York have organized the family apostolate from which
has been drawn some of the viewpoints and experiences recorded herein.
The writer wishes publicly to acknowledge the work of the Reverends
John Mulroy, James Keating, William Shelley, William McManus, John
Hawes, John Hynes, John Scanlon, and Raymond Hill, and to thank them
for their enthusiastic support and co-operation. The important part
played by Dr. Bernard Pisani, in the success of "The Catholic Marriage
Manual," both as friend and collaborator, is belatedly recognized. To
John Springer is owed a special debt of gratitude. Mr. Springer was a
constant source of help in assisting the author finish this work. His
time, intelligence, and energy were always at my disposal. I am
sincerely appreciative of his unselfishness and that of Paul Lapolla of
Random House, whose personal concern and criticism helped us progress.
Last and certainly not least, the author wishes to thank his
Archbishop, Francis Cardinal Spellman, not only for the Foreword to the
book, which sums up so well its purpose and spirit, but also for his
interest and encouragement during the year of writing.



CONTENTS


FOREWORD
By His Eminence, Francis Cardinal Spellman, Archbishop of New York


Chapter One: YOU CAN HAVE A HAPPIER FAMILY

The purpose of this book--to strengthen your family life . . . Avoiding
modern pressures against family life . . . Parents are partners with
God in a sacred vocation . . . True Christian home as a church, school
and recreation center in one . . . The example of the Holy Family . . .
How can you teach your child to know God? . . . You will find your
greatest joy in your children.


Chapter Two: YOUR JOB AS A PARENT

Church and social scientists agree on characteristics of a happy family
. . Parents agree that home and children come first . . . Father and
mother are equals--Father the head, mother the heart . . . The
importance of clear-cut family rules . . . Everybody should work
together . . . Advantages and disadvantages of the large family . . .
How children help and teach each other . . . Considerations for parents
of small families . . . How to help an "only child" make a good
adjustment . . . Four basic traits that make a good father . . . Why a
mother is the most important person her child ever knows . . . "Don'ts"
for mothers.


Chapter Three: YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S BEST TEACHER

Your child's need for security which only you can give . . . Ways to
build his self-confidence . . . Recognize your child's own native
talents and capabilities and accept him for what he is . . .
"Understanding" is not enough; you must also give him direction . . .
How to earn respect for your authority . . . Authority thrives on use .
. How to instill obedience without being a dictator . . . Forming
good habits of work, study and play . . . The art of self-denial: Why
your child must learn to say "no" to impulses . . . Five principles to
help you discipline your child effectively.


Chapter Four: YOUR CHILD'S MORAL TRAINING

Teaching your child about God . . . How to use stories, prayers and
pictures effectively . . . Developing his conscience . . . Early sex
experimentation and what to do about it . . . Lying and stealing . . .
What about "dirty words"? . . . How children learn them . . . Don't
stress sin too much or use religion as a weapon . . . The right
attitudes on confession . . . Don't be too scrupulous! . . . When
children doubt religious truths . . . Church teachings will withstand
investigation . . . Masturbation and homosexuality.


Chapter Five: WHY SEND YOUR CHILD TO CATHOLIC SCHOOLS?

You have the first responsibility of deciding how to educate your child
. . Why we have parochial schools . . . How school may influence your
child's attitudes for life . . . Moral teaching should hold first place
in the classroom . . . Answers to objections by parents who choose non-
sectarian schools . . . Is public school education really superior? . .
Graduates of Catholic schools are their most ardent supporters . . .
The case for Catholic higher education . . . Responsibilities of
parents with children in public schools . . . Newman Clubs . . . Co-
operating with your child's teacher . . . Don't nag your child to the
limit on his school work . . . Six ways to help your youngster prepare
for college . . . Let him earn his own way--at least partially . . .
School costs vs. "school palaces"--why Catholics should be interested
in the controversy.


Chapter Six: HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD ABOUT SEX

Conflicting advice about sex education confuses parents . . . Five
basic principles which should be followed in teaching about sex . . .
What parents may do when they "can't talk about sex" . . . How your
child first learns about sex . . . The relationship between bowel
training and sex attitudes . . . How to answer your child's questions .
. A timetable for sex education, year by year . . . Overcoming
"street corner" knowledge . . . Preparing your boy or girl for puberty
. . The different natures of the sexes . . . Ignorance about life is
not innocence.


Chapter Seven: WHAT OUTSIDE INFLUENCES CAN DO TO YOUR CHILD

Influences outside the home, Church and school can harm or help . . .
Counteracting the steady sex stimulation to which children are exposed
. . Separating the good from the bad in television, movies, radio
programs, books and magazines . . . How you can make your influence
felt . . . Pornography on the newsstands . . . Cultivating wholesome
tastes . . . The importance of good companions . . . Criticizing your
child's friends may have an effect opposite to that intended . . .
Community recreation centers, teen-age canteens, etc. . . . Don't be a
stern policeman over your child's tastes!


Chapter Eight: THE CHILD WHO IS "EXCEPTIONAL"

One child in ten is unlike others in some important way . . . Mental
retardation--causes, detection, treatment and training . . . Facts on
cerebral palsy, epilepsy, physical defects which restrict movement,
neurosis, exceptional difficulties in seeing, speaking or hearing, etc.
. . How parents can aid the exceptional child . . . Pity seldom helps
. . Emotional problems of exceptional children . . . How to prevent
overdependence and rebellion . . . Brothers and sisters of an
exceptional child may also need special attention . . . The adopted
child . . . What should he be told? . . . How to handle a "genius" . .
Signs of a gifted child . . . Most bright children lead happy lives.


Chapter Nine: WHEN ONE PARENT MUST BE FATHER AND MOTHER

A child without a mother or father needs more security than the average
youngster . . . Parents can be "psychological deserters" . . . How a
child may react when one of his parents dies . . . A child needs to
retain faith in his missing parent . . . How a "substitute father" or
"substitute mother" can help . . . Dangers for parents to avoid . . .
The evils of "smother-love" and overstrictness . . . Gaining strength
through prayer . . . Don't abuse foster homes . . . When should parents
let children be adopted? . . . Guidance for stepparents . . .
Principles to help the children grow to love their new parents.


Chapter Ten: WHERE TO GET HELP WHEN IN TROUBLE

Almost every family faces serious problems at some time . . .
Differences and difficulties must be expected . . . Danger signs of
trouble . . . Don't let problems grow until they become unmanageable .
. When to seek outside guidance in solving family problems . . .
Where to take your problems . . . What priests and family counselors
can do . . . Sources of financial, physical and emotional aid . . .
Psychiatry is not a "dirty word" . . . How a psychologist and a
psychiatrist handle a case . . . Beware of "psychological quacks" . . .
What to do if your family is "disgraced' . . . Care for the unwed
mother.


Chapter Eleven: SHOULD MOTHERS WORK?

How working mothers are causing a revolution in home life . . . Reasons
why more married women than single women now hold jobs . . . How a
mother who works full-time may harm her child, her husband and herself
. . Why nurseries can't substitute . . . What happens to children
deprived of mothers . . . How the family unit suffers through
overemphasis of material values . . . Does it really pay mothers to
work? Statistics prove employment outside the home often is
unprofitable . . . Alternatives to work outside the home for mothers .
. The problem of "moonlighters"--men who hold two full-time jobs . .
How overambitious fathers may harm their families.


Chapter Twelve: WHAT WILL YOUR CHILD DO IN LIFE?

Every person should decide his own course . . . How you can implant
ideals to guide your child . . . Three requirements every career should
fulfill . . . How your child can know if he has a call to the religious
life . . . Requirements for priests, brothers and sisters . . . Can
Catholic parents thwart a religious vocation? . . . Answers to
objections by parents . . . The vocation of marriage . . . Reasons why
a man or woman might remain single . . . Young men and women in the
world can still serve God and man in almost all occupations . . . Even
one individual can do great good . . . The child who "disappoints" his
parents by choosing an "inferior" career.


Chapter Thirteen: HOW TO HANDLE YOUR TEEN-AGER

Modern factors which have produced the "teen-age" crisis . . . Today's
youngsters have greater freedom, sophistication and insecurity . . .
Teen-age problems almost unheard-of a generation ago . . . Physical and
emotional changes of adolescents. . . How they are affected by
awakening sexual desire . . . The fight for independence . . . What
your child needs to become a successful adult . . . Force him to take
responsibility . . . How teen-agers' codes guide their conduct . . .
Practical problems of adolescents . . . Why parents are frustrated in
dealing with their adolescents . . . Why you should let your child make
mistakes.


Chapter Fourteen: PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR MARRIAGE

How you affect your child's attitudes toward the other sex . . .
Practical rules for parties and dances . . . When should youngsters
begin to date? . . . Effective deterrents to premarital intercourse . .
The importance of modesty in dress . . . But you can still be
attractive! . . . Moral dangers of going steady . . . What public-
school officials say about teen-age pregnancies . . . Why do Americans
marry so young? . . . The kinds of men and women your child should
avoid . . . Impediments to valid marriages . . . Qualities they should
seek in a mate . . . The serious purposes of courtship . . . How long
should engagements be? . . . Preparations for marriage.


Chapter Fifteen: HOW TO AVOID A MIXED MARRIAGE IN YOUR FAMILY

The growing trend toward interfaith unions . . . Why the Church opposes
mixed marriages . . . Why such unions often end in divorce and
desertions . . . Strains and tensions are common in mixed marriages . .
All faiths oppose them . . . Church rules on mixed marriages . . .
Why Protestants object to prenuptial promises--and why Catholics in a
mixed marriage are at a disadvantage . . . Do such marriages make
converts? . . . How the sincerity of a prospective convert can be
tested . . . Three basic ways to help your child avoid a mixed
marriage.


Chapter Sixteen: RELIGIOUS PRACTICES IN YOUR HOME

Your home can be a little sanctuary . . . Family prayer . . . Inspiring
customs from every land to help you celebrate Christmas, Easter and
other feast days . . . Suggestions for observing special religious
feasts throughout the year . . . How saints' days can be celebrated to
strengthen your family's spiritual life . . . Your child's special
days--baptismal day, feast day of his patron saint, First Communion and
Confirmation days . . . Articles for the sickroom.


APPENDIX

Naming your baby . . . Church rules on fast and abstinence . . . The
Eucharistic fast . . . A Betrothal Rite . . . Consecration of the
family to the Holy Family . . . Family Prayer Card: The Confiteor,
Prayer for the home, Parents' prayer for children, Children's prayer
for their parents, Prayer for a sick person, Blessing on sleep, Prayer
for the dead . . . Prayer for vocations to the priesthood and religious
life.


ADDITIONAL READINGS ON FAMILY LIFE


INDEX



FOREWORD


By His Eminence, Francis Cardinal Spellman

Archbishop of New York

There is no art or profession more difficult and more strenuous than
that of molding the bodies, minds, and souls of children. Because these
are tender creatures, easily influenced by wrong guidance, God made
parents the first and most important educators of children. When God
confides a child to the care of Christian parents, He seems to say to
them what Pharoah's daughter said to the mother of the infant Moses:
"Take this child and rear him for Me."

The family, then, in God's plan is the nursery school in which the man
of tomorrow matures and is formed--for life and eternity. The
foundations of Christian living are established in the home, where
minds are opened to God's Presence in the Universe and virtue is
nurtured and strengthened. Children are eager pupils following the
examples their father and mother give--learning from their words, their
actions, and their attitudes.

How serious then, is their obligation to be good teachers. How tragic
when they neglect their duties or perform them carelessly or
indifferently!

In the training of children for effective Christian living, none can
fully take the place of parents. If the home fails to measure up to
divine ideals, the Church and school labor with impaired fruitfulness.

But it is not enough to be conscious of an obligation and to have the
desire of discharging it. Parents must have besides, the competency to
render them capable of fulfilling their responsibilities. Hence
Catholic parents should deem it a sacred duty to prepare themselves
properly for the arduous work of educating citizens of heaven and
earth.

"The Catholic Family Handbook" performs a real service for parents. It
helps fathers and mothers realize the full meaning of their sacred
calling and offers them practical directives for dealing with the
problems of educating modern youth; and they will find in its pages
ways and means to perfect their relationship with their children.



CHAPTER 1: YOU CAN HAVE A HAPPIER FAMILY

WHEN you became a parent, you undertook the most important job of your
life--the job of guiding your children so that they might live happily
on earth and win eternal happiness in heaven. The purpose of this book
is to help you gain that objective--to strengthen your family life and
to make yours a truly happy family. Its viewpoint is not always the
popular one, nor is its advice easy to follow. For the foundations of
Christian family life have never faced the many-sided assault they must
stand up against today, and the task of the conscientious Catholic
parent has never been more difficult.

Many secular books provide an abundance of directives to parents.
Almost all deal with the "how" of parenthood but few deal with the
"why." It is not the purpose of this book to oversimplify the parent-
child relationship. Nor does it offer a final blueprint for all parents
in all circumstances, for wholesome family life always contains a
mysterious ingredient, known only to God, which makes each effort a
real adventure.

This book recognizes that to be truly successful, a family must be more
than merely "good." All its members must be suffused with the Christian
concept of life. For what does it profit a father and mother if they
achieve good social adjustment and perfect psychological balance among
their members if they do not serve Christ on earth and gain eternity
with God for themselves and their children? "The Catholic Family
Handbook" therefore seeks to define the nature and purpose of Christian
domestic life--and to encourage you to reach its high and worthy goals.

In order for you to understand what objectives you should strive for as
a parent, you should first realize that your Catholic family symbolizes
in miniature the Mystical Body of Christ. The husband and father is the
head of the body and represents Christ. The wife represents the Church
and the children, as members of the body, represent the faithful. And
this family unit has been designated by Christ to worship our Heavenly
Father. Through its common life all the members give glory to God and
express their submission to Him.

In addition, the family works with Christ for the redemption of its
members and the world. For when Our Lord made marriage a sacrament, He
established the family as a basic means through which His grace could
be given to men. The husband and wife channel grace to each other and
to their children and vice versa. If these graces do not come to us in
this way (through another member of the Mystical Body), they do not
come at all. Therefore it is most important that parents and children
live in the state of grace, and that the Holy Spirit continually dwell
in their souls. For mortal sin in any member prevents the free flow of
grace to other members of the household.

You will achieve the greatest success in your family life if you
remember that you are fulfilling this sacred vocation. Like the priest,
you are called upon to teach, rule and sanctify your children in the
name of Jesus Christ. His Eminence, Francis Cardinal Spellman, once
wrote: "A man's family (is) a place to which God could look, as He did
to Bethlehem, for the beginning of mortal lives which are also eternal,
for the beginnings of lives of tiny citizens of two worlds--of earth
and of heaven." Your work as parents, therefore, is a holy and
religious work. You may produce doctors, lawyers, scientists. But to
the extent that your children do not reach heaven or are given every
opportunity to do so, you have not succeeded. And you will begin to
realize the full potentialities of your vocation when you see your
family in this light.

Modern pressures harm family life. Today, unfortunately, we do not
always have that Catholic family life of which older generations were
justly proud and which produced great human beings and outstanding
Christians. The adult children of those fine German, Italian, Irish and
Polish households now tend to reject their parents' way of domestic
living. They may value their many brothers and sisters and pay generous
tribute to their self-sacrificing fathers and mothers, but the effort
involved in having a large family is too heroic for them. The training
for hard work and service to others, the mental stability, the sense of
right and wrong, the religious faith which they received--they want
these for their children too, but they often do not want to do all the
work or accept the point of view that makes such accomplishments
possible. In fact, some couples have wandered so far from the ideals of
Christian marriage that they are not Christian parents at all.

Today we see the individual exalted at the expense of the family.
People marry foolishly and then leave marriage to suit their own
convenience. Others deliberately limit children and thus belittle the
importance to solid family life of a full household; their birth-
control mentality tempts them to look upon their union merely as
companionship or a means of mutual gratification. Frequently a small
and prosperous family has a built-in selfishness which disturbs, where
it does not destroy, domestic peace. And parents who use contraceptives
may have lax opinions about sexual morality, so that the young
consciences under their care are harmed.

Many modern wives have forgotten, or do not want to know, that their
first purpose is motherhood and that making a home is their most worth-
while career. They have emancipated themselves from serious self-
sacrifice on behalf of their husband or family. Many husbands, too,
have mentally divorced themselves from their high calling as teacher
and ruler of their young ones; as a result, their homes are in a state
of anarchy or matriarchy. Thus the marriage bond in many instances has
ceased to be moral and spiritual. Instead it has become sensual, social
and esthetic.

Some modern social scientists have termed Catholic concern over the
decay of public and private morality and the disintegration of home
life "alarmist poppycock." They array a large amount of statistical
evidence to demonstrate that the American world is no worse off than it
was before. They declaim that elders have always looked upon every new
generation as a generation of vipers. But we who deal with people as
people, and are interested in their moral well-being, know that the
divorced, the promiscuous, the drug addict, the alcoholic, the
homosexual, the juvenile delinquent, are increasingly prevalent
phenomena which cannot be discovered in social pathology books, let
alone the neighborhood streets, of thirty years ago. They live next
door--in large numbers and among ordinary family folk, and can be found
in the mainstreams of society. Parents, priests, doctors, teachers,
judges, policemen and thoughtful citizens are rightfully alarmed, even
if the sociologists and psychologists are not. And you, as parents,
must be concerned lest the plague infect your home.

The blame for these blights on modern happiness can be laid squarely on
the secular culture of our country which equates happiness with the
pursuit of private pleasure and denies the existence of spiritual goals
and values. The lack of religion, the encouraged agnosticism of our
public institutions, particularly our schools, and the denial of the
authority and rights of parents are all related to secularism.

In the face of such widespread error, the Church turns hopefully, as
she did two thousand years ago, to the family. She would (1) have you
recognize the Christian dignity of marriage; (2) strengthen your
determination to live your family life in Christ and for Christ; (3)
confirm your resistance to the pressures which threaten to destroy
family virtue and domestic tranquillity; (4) inoculate your family
against further moral contamination. These purposes of the Church are
the purposes of this book. For no matter what evil influences flourish
outside your home, your family can be an impregnable refuge of
Christian life.


Parents are partners with God. The success of your family depends upon
your recognition of the fact that as a parent of a human life, you
share one of the greatest of God's gifts--the magnificent act of
creation. Your role is to procreate His children, and to educate them
so that they may ultimately return to Him in heaven. Only with Him can
you realize your life's goals for yourself, your mate and your
children; for, as we learn in childhood, the first purpose of our
existence is to know, love and serve God in this life so that we may be
happy with Him forever in the next one.

To achieve its purpose, the family must be a triangle consisting of
God, parents and children. Our Lord taught us this when He raised
marriage--the fountainhead of the family--to the dignity of a
sacrament. And through the sacrament, He provides the graces for true
spiritual success in your family life regardless of the trials and
tribulations you may face.

As your partner in parenthood, God will help you. His grace will make
your home His dwelling place and the means of your sanctification. It
will make you capable of greater love than you ever thought possible
and will enable you, as a parent, to achieve levels of self-sacrifice
beyond your dreams. And what it will enable you to achieve will lead
not only to your own salvation but also to the salvation of the souls
He has entrusted to your care.

God's partnership with husbands and wives is nowhere more evident than
in what might be called the "innate genius" of parents. If you look
about you, you doubtless can see many men and women who a short time
ago seemed to be irresponsible and incompetent, poorly fitted for the
many tasks which must be performed as parents. Yet today they are
fathers and mothers and--thanks to God's grace--they are doing a proper
job in caring for their children.

Once you accept the great force of God's grace, you will never
underestimate your own genius as a parent. Many of our own fathers and
mothers were, by worldly standards, ignorant of psychiatry or
psychology. Yet, by and large, they succeeded in bringing to adulthood
men and women who walk in the path of goodness. They succeeded for one
reason only: they understood their children's need for love,
encouragement and direction, and they gave it. Without child experts to
guide them along each small step of the way, they instinctively
provided what was best for their youngsters. Once you make yourself
willing to accept the graces which God offers to you, you will do so
too. You will achieve a natural competence as a parent that will
produce more good in your children than any blueprint that a human
authority can give you.


What is a true Christian family? We probably can best appreciate the
characteristics of a genuine God-fearing family by picturing it in
operation in a representative home. As Richard Cardinal Cushing of
Boston has inspiringly described it: "The worthy Christian home finds a
true Christian family abiding therein and growing in love and care for
one another. This home is not constructed in prefabricated fashion in a
few weeks or a few years--for it is not purely material. Indeed its
true character is achieved not through plaster and paint and sanitary
plumbing, but through love and sweat and tears. It is a framework
trimmed with remembered moments of joy; cemented by hours of suffering.
It is a reflection of the personalities of those who dwell therein, an
expression of their likes and dislikes. The true Christian home is an
altar of sacrifice and a theater of comedies and drama; it is a place
of work and a haven of rest."

If yours is a true Christian home, it is like a little church, where
the family daily joins together in beautiful devotions--the family
rosary, family night prayers and the act of consecration to the Sacred
Heart. Life is viewed as Christ would have us view it. There is great
trust and confidence in His providence. Love, tenderness and
forgiveness you find there, but also a high standard of moral living,
obedience and discipline. Parents and children, whether they be rich or
poor, share generously with each other, go without things if necessary,
and bear trials and sufferings in patience.

It is a little school, where your children learn to live and love as
dignified human beings, to work for the good of others, and to serve
their fellow man without thought of monetary gain.

It is a little recreation center, where the family relaxes in peace
from outside woes and work. Playing together helps children and parents
reconcile differences and adjust to each other's needs, and builds up
the affectionate ties that last a lifetime. Most of us remember the
starring roles we had at one time or another in our own homemade
theater. It is the humorous incidents of the family that help develop
pleasant and outgoing personalities--the good fun involving Mother and
Dad and all the boys and girls which the uncrowded modern household
misses.

You can best live up to this picture of true family life if you keep as
your ideal the life led by the Holy Family at Nazareth. For there, as
Cardinal Cushing goes on to say: "...one beheld simplicity and purity
of conduct, perfect agreement and unbroken harmony, mutual respect and
love, not of the false and fleeting kind, but that which found both its
life and its charm in devotedness of service. At Nazareth, patient
industry provided what was required for food and raiment; there was
contentment with little--and a concentration on the diminution of the
number of wants rather than on the multiplication of sources of wealth.
Better than all else, at Nazareth there was found that supreme peace of
mind and gladness of soul which never fails to accompany the possession
of a tranquil conscience. At Nazareth one could witness a continuous
series of examples of goodness, of modesty, of humility, of hard-
working endurance, of kindness to others, of diligence in the small
duties of daily life."

You can imitate this model of the Holy Family only if you set out to
make every member of your family more concerned about God and the
things of God than about the things of this world. You must live in the
awareness that all that is done is done in the presence of God and that
genuine happiness results only when we conform to His will.


The triangle of God, parents and child. It cannot be stressed too often
that you can leave a heritage of good for centuries simply by leading a
holy life as a parent. For example, if you have six children, it is
possible that within your lifetime you will have twenty-five or thirty
grandchildren. They in turn may have more than 100 children, and within
a century perhaps 1,000 lives will reflect your influence to some
extent. If you have been a good parent, thanks to you they may be good
Christians--your advocates in heaven. If you are a bad example, you may
leave a large number of evildoers as your contribution to God and
humanity.

As the Catholic Bishops of the United States pointed out in 1950 in
their memorable formal statement, "The Child: Citizen of Two Worlds,"
the first requirement of good Catholic family life is that the children
must know God. However, as the Bishops emphasized, "there is a vast
difference between 'knowing about God' and 'knowing God.' The
difference is made by personal experience. It is not enough that the
child be given the necessary truths about God. They ought to be given
in such a way that he will assimilate them and make them a part of
himself. God must become as real to him as his own father and mother.
God must not remain an abstraction. If He does, He will not be loved;
and if He is not loved, then all the child's knowledge about Him will
be sterile. Where love is, there too is service. ('If you love me, keep
my commandments.') That is Christ's test and it must be applied to the
child. He should be brought to see God's commandments and precepts as
guideposts which give an unerring direction to his steps. In this work,
the Church, the family and the school all have a part to play."


How can you teach your child to know God? First, by inspiring him to
love and serve God by your own daily actions. He will be quick to
imitate what he sees and hears at home. If good example is not
forthcoming, he will become confused by the contradiction between what
you teach and what you practice. His confusion will be compounded when
he goes to a school where religion is taught. There he will learn to
reverence the name of God, but at home he may hear God's name used
irreverently in petulance and anger. At school he will learn to get
along with his fellow pupils, but at home he may be allowed to offend
and wrangle with his brothers and sisters. At school he will be taught
strict precepts of honesty and justice, while at home he may hear
boasts of sharp business practices and clever evasions of truth.
Disturbed by these contradictions and torn by conflicting loyalties to
home and school, he will lose confidence in his parents or teachers or
both.

Only two courses are open to your child. He will be either God-centered
or self-centered. Every young child seeks to satisfy every selfish
whim. Training yours to consider God and others before he acts is one
of the most challenging tasks you face. Here is where you can draw on
the life of Christ. If you teach your child to deny his selfish whims
in imitation of the obedient and patient Savior, he will not only have
a supernatural motive for his actions, but God will have a central
place in his affections. Only then can he grow up to his full spiritual
stature.


You can find joy in your children. While you should never forget that
you are your children's foremost teacher--and the most important
influence they will ever know--your family life will lose its true
perspective if you overemphasize the sacrifices you must make to
educate them. For your joy in your children should outweigh by far any
disadvantages they may cause. In them you will find your own happiness.

Your children give dimension to your love as a couple. Conjugal love,
which can be selfish and isolated, takes a great stride with the birth
of a baby. Many young mothers have said, "John and I did not really
know what our love could grow to be until we held successive children
in our arms." The greatest aid to your own maturity as human beings is
the rearing of your children. St. John Chrysostom remarked, "Can there
be a more responsible task than to mold the human spirit or form the
morals of young people? I consider that man greater than any painter or
sculptor who neglects not the molding of the souls of young people."

In your children you will rediscover your own youth. Their growth
process will rekindle your own sense of wonder and enthusiasm. Johnny
asks, "Dad, why is the sky blue?" And Dad, who hadn't cared, takes a
new and longer look.

What have you to show for having lived, if not your children? At forty
or fifty years of age, an adult generally reaches the limits of income
and social standing. Yet parents continue to grow with their sense of
fulfillment in the achievements of their children. And as if these
satisfactions were not enough, parents through their offspring have a
grand opportunity to spread the faith. They are real missionaries in
their own home. They can say at the end of their lives as Christ said
of His Apostles: "Those whom Thou hast given Me, I guarded; and not one
of them perished." (John 17 :12)

There is no doubt that genuine Catholic family life is among the best
family life to be found in the United States. For Catholic married
couples are one of the few large groups in the country who have
consistently sacrificed themselves to have more children. And the large
numbers of their children who, properly trained, have left Catholic
homes to take up responsible roles in the armed services, corporate
economic life, the labor movement, and the public offices of
government, reflect credit on those parents and on the Church.

In the Catholic home there is that modern rarity--fidelity between
husband and wife. There is great reverence for parents by the children,
great protection of weaker members by the stronger, and a great
awareness of the dignity and rights of every member of the family. The
Catholic woman has attained a height of respect and authority which
cannot be found anywhere else, and the chief factor in her improvement
has been the Church's teaching on chastity, conjugal equality, the
sacredness of motherhood, and the supernatural end of the family, in
imitation of the Holy Family of Nazareth. But even as we uphold the
Catholic woman as wife and mother, we also uphold the pre-eminent place
of the husband and father in the home.

You must not forget that the vigor of your Catholicism rests on the
stability and goodness of your family life. Of course, the Church knows
better than anyone else that in proclaiming Catholic family ideals she
is dealing with human weakness and the tendency to selfishness and sin.
Like a good mother, she also forgives and embraces those who
momentarily betray those ideals. But unlike others, she will never
admit that those weaknesses diminish or vitiate God's place for fathers
and mothers or call sin virtue or pretend that weakness is strength.
The reward for all your efforts is the Call of Christ on Judgment Day:
"Come, ye blessed of My Father."



CHAPTER 2: YOUR JOB AS A PARENT

IF YOU could carefully study families that are genuinely happy--those
in which father and mother truly love each other and their children,
and where children obey, respect and love their parents--you would find
that they have many traits in common. These characteristics are
distinct and recognizable, and sharply differentiate these families
from those in which there is unending tension, bickering and
bitterness.

No institution has had the opportunity to observe the characteristics
of happy families as has the Church. Through the centuries, she has
recognized the family as the ideal means of helping parents and
children to lead holy and happy lives, and she has carefully noted
which factors best encourage holiness and happiness. What she has long
known has been borne out in recent years by the studies of social
scientists. These researchers have questioned thousands of persons who,
by their own testimony, are members of happy families; and they have
questioned other thousands who admit that their family life is not
happy. From such beginnings they have uncovered the characteristics of
happy families which are lacking in the other kind. The findings of the
Church, tested over the centuries, and of sociologists, using modern
scientific methods, agree that there are five main characteristics of a
happy family.

First, it places full, unquestioned trust in God. Father, mother and
children accept the Almighty as their Creator without reservation. They
show love and respect for Him and His laws in the everyday conduct of
their lives. They pray together; they attend Mass and receive Communion
together; they practice other devotions together; they make their home
a little sanctuary, with pictures and statues to remind them of Our
Lord or the Blessed Mother.

The father who believes and trusts in God is best equipped to perform
his functions as head of the family. Aware of his responsibilities to
the Lord for his children, he strives to instill moral virtues by his
own example. The mother who holds the Blessed Virgin as her model
develops the love and patience which nurture the spiritual and
emotional growth of her children.

When father and mother give living evidence of their faith in God, they
no longer need spend so much time trying to decide which course to
pursue in bringing up their children. They usually know what to do,
because they have a standard to guide them. They only ask: What does
God want of us as parents? When they seek to understand His way and to
follow it, they free themselves of the confusion which besets parents
without standards upon which to rest.

Children in a home where God is worshipped also know where they stand.
They are taught to respect the Creator and, in respecting Him, to
respect all lawful authority. They learn in a precise way what conduct
is acceptable and what is forbidden. In their study of religion and
religious truths, they learn at an early age that punishment will
inevitably follow wrongdoing; thus they learn the major principle which
will guide their conduct throughout their lives.

Many authorities have observed that a major sign of danger in marriage
arises when one or both of the partners stops attending religious
services regularly. Records of the nation's courts clearly prove that
the home which worships God does not produce the child who appears
before a judge on charges of juvenile delinquency. Studies of unwed
mothers prove that the girl who has learned the virtue of purity in a
religious setting at home is not the one who gets into trouble in her
adolescence.

Second, the happy family puts interest in its home in first place.
Father and mother fully recognize that the most important work they can
do is to train their children to be a credit in the eyes of God.

One sometimes encounters a father who spends long hours at business
during the week and then spends his week ends with business associates.
In pursuing success or wealth--and perhaps believing that he is a good
father in doing so--he refuses his children's fundamental need to know
him as a human being. On the other hand, one often sees men who hold
positions which, by the worlds standards, are low in social prestige.
Perhaps they sacrifice material progress by devoting their leisure time
to their children--playing and talking with them, sympathizing with
their problems and encouraging them in their aspirations. Regardless of
what the world thinks, the first type of father is a failure and the
second type is a success.

In a happy home, parents often hold firm against other allurements
which tempt them to put the needs of their children in an inferior
place. Such allurements include the desire for an overly active social
life, the constant pursuit of pleasure in the form of commercial
entertainment and the exclusive choice of hobbies (golf, cards, dancing
clubs, etc.) from which children are excluded.

Obviously, men must work to provide for their families. It is also
obvious that parents are entitled to entertainment away from their
children--in fact, an evening alone can have a pronounced therapeutic
effect. Nor is the desire to succeed in business or to enjoy one's self
blameworthy. But when a father becomes overly ambitious and sacrifices
his children for his career advancement, or when a mother engages in an
unending round of social activities, the great bond of unity in the
family is weakened. Mutual love and respect, which are born and held
only in intimacy, are the ingredients that make for true family life,
and they cannot thrive when the father or mother places other
objectives ahead of them.

Third, in happy families, father and mother occupy a position of
equality, but there is no misunderstanding that he is the head. The
importance of the mother is an accepted fact. She is the heart of the
family--the custodian of love and warmth, the first comforter and
educator of the children. In according her a just status, however, we
must not weaken the father's traditional position.

By nature and temperament, he should exercise headship. When he fails
to do so, his children lack an appropriate male model to guide them in
their conduct, and they are likely to reach maturity without properly
understanding the roles they must play as men or women. But while he
must be the leader, he should not be like a common type of fathers of
the past--the tyrant whose word was law, and whose wife and children
constantly trembled before him. Such a father does more harm than good;
his children either become submissive before everyone, or become so
rebellious against authority that they cannot lead normal lives as law-
abiding citizens. In happy homes, the father is the just dispenser of
punishment, but he also wins the respect of his children by the
reasonable rules he imposes and the merciful way he enforces them.

Fourth, the happy family is based upon mutual sacrifice. In such a
home, Dad will forgo desserts at lunch to save for a family vacation
which all members of the family may enjoy. Mother will wear a dress
that is several seasons old so that her daughter may take piano
lessons; and the children will save for weeks to buy her a special gift
for Mother's Day. When Dad must do extra work at home for his employer
and Mother can help him, she gladly does so. When guests are coming and
the house needs a thorough cleaning, Dad rolls up his sleeves and does
his share of the manly work. Johnny washes the windows as his regular
chore, Billy sets the table for dinner, Mary washes the dishes while
Mother rests, and after school Tommy sometimes watches the baby in her
playpen while Mother shops. In this family, everyone makes sacrifices
for the common good.

Fifth, the happy family runs on rules. The children know exactly what
they can do without offending others, and what they cannot do. They
know what their punishment will be if they break the rules. And they
know that it will not vary from time to time or from parent to parent.

Establishing clear-cut family rules requires complete agreement between
father and mother. Few things disturb a child more than when his father
establishes one standard of conduct and his mother makes continuous
exceptions to it. Once a father and mother agree, neither should change
the rules without consulting the other, or the child will not know what
is expected of him. And both father and mother must share in enforcing
them.

Probably the happiest homes are those in which each family member
imposes rules upon himself. One wife becomes unduly disturbed whenever
references are made to the alleged inferiority of women in any area of
activity. She becomes angry at jokes about women drivers, women who are
late for appointments, women who can't balance a checkbook. Out of
respect for her feelings, her husband never raises such subjects even
in a joking way. Many husbands have similar quirks in their make-up
which may be unjustified from an objective point of view but which
their wives respect for the sake of harmony. Sometimes children also
become sensitive about certain points. When family members are
motivated by a spirit of Christian tolerance, they willingly impose the
rule upon themselves not to raise such touchy subjects.

As this review of the characteristics of happy families suggests,
achievement of a genuinely Christian environment in your home will not
result from mere chance. Rather you must put into effect the principles
that follow from recognition of the fact that the family should be a
triangle with God at its apex, or else it is doomed to failure. For the
very characteristics that make a home holy, happy, and a source of
strength and solace for its members come from nowhere but Almighty God.
The love which the mother displays for her infant, the just and
consistent way in which the father exercises his authority--these are
but human copies of the loving authority which God exercises over all
His children. And the respect for God and each other that family
members display in the truly happy and Christian home springs from the
two greatest commandments--that we love God with all our minds and all
our hearts, and that we love our neighbor as ourselves.


Advantages of the large family. Before marrying, many young couples
decide how many children they will have--a decision which often reveals
that they are more concerned with how few children they will have
rather than how many. Thus they begin their marriage with intentions of
limiting the number of off spring. In this respect they reflect the
birth-control frame of mind so prevalent today--a frame of mind which
regards children as a liability rather than a blessing.

Although the first purpose of marriage is the procreation of children,
Catholic couples will not necessarily have offspring. There may be many
reasons why they cannot have babies or why they are limited to one or
two. Some wives have difficulty in carrying a fetus to full term and
have many miscarriages. Sometimes the husband or wife may be sterile--
unable to do his or her part in conceiving a new life. There may be
mental, eugenical, economic or social reasons which make it justifiable
to practice the rhythm method. The fact that a Catholic couple has no
children, therefore, is no reason for concluding that they are guilty
of any moral lapse.

In most marriages, however, there probably are no physical hindrances
to births or justifiable reasons to limit them beyond those limitations
which nature herself and unchangeable circumstance impose. Hence the
typical Catholic family will have many more children than are found in
the average family of other beliefs.

The large family provides many distinct advantages for both parents and
children. For instance, it brings the mother and father closer
together, giving them a joint source of love, and they achieve a closer
sense of unity in planning for their children's welfare. Their love for
each child extends their love for each other, and in each child they
can see qualities which they love in their mates.

Children help parents to develop the virtues of self-sacrifice and
consideration for others. The childless husband and wife must
consciously cultivate these qualities, for the very nature of their
life tends to make them think first of their own interests. In
contrast, a father and mother who might have innate tendencies toward
selfishness learn that they must subjugate their own interests for the
good of their children, and they develop a spirit of self-denial and a
higher degree of sanctity than might normally be possible.

The fact that children help to increase harmony in marriage has been
proved in many ways. The sociologist Harold A. Phelps, in his book
"Contemporary Social Problems," reports that 57 per cent of the
divorcees in one large group had no children and another 20 per cent
had only one child. Other researchers have established that the
percentage of divorces and broken homes decreases as the number of
children in the family increases.

Large families also teach children to live harmoniously with others.
They must adjust to the wishes of those older and younger than
themselves, and of their own and the other sex. In learning to work,
play and, above all, share with others, the child in a large family
discovers that he must often sacrifice his own interests and desires
for the common good. For this reason, the "spoiled child" who always
insists on having his own way is rare in the large family, if he can be
found there at all. For the child who will not co-operate with others
has a lesson forcibly taught to him when others refuse to co-operate
with him.

In the typical large family, one often sees a sense of protectiveness
in one child for another that is the embodiment of the Christian
spirit. Children learn to help each other--to hold each other's hands
when crossing the street, to sympathize with each other in times of
sadness or hurt, and to give each other the acceptance which we all
need to develop as mature human beings. This willingness to help one
another is often strikingly evident in schoolwork: the oldest child
instructs his younger brother in algebra, while the latter helps a
still younger one in history.

Another advantage of large families is that they teach each child to
accept responsibility for his own actions. Unlike the mother with one
or two children, the mother of a large family usually lacks the time
and energy to concern herself with every little problem of her
children. She must observe sensible precautions with her children, of
course, but she is not guilty of supervising her child's life to such
an extent that he has no chance to develop his own resources. Precisely
because she cannot devote her full time to him, he must make decisions
for himself. Moreover, he acquires a better understanding of the rules
by which the family is run. He sees his brothers and sisters punished
for various breaches of conduct and learns what he himself may and may
not do. And as he watches the progress of older children, he learns
what privileges he may expect as he too advances in age. This knowledge
gives him a greater sense of security.

Another reward for members of the large family, to which those who are
now adults can testify, is that it gives the children close relatives
upon whom they can depend all their lives. Occasionally, of course,
brothers and sisters cannot agree as adults and break off relations
completely. More often, however, they retain a close bond of kinship
with each other and the reunions and family get-togethers on occasions
like Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter form one of the great joys of
their lives. In most cases, the child brought up in a large family
never feels utterly alone, regardless of adversities which may strike
in adulthood. If he is troubled or bereaved, in desperate need of
financial help or sympathetic advice, he usually can depend upon
brothers and sisters to help. Forlorn indeed is the man or woman who,
in time of stress, has no close and loving relatives to tell his
problems to.

A final, but by no means least important, advantage is that they
virtually insure the parents against loneliness, which has often been
called the curse of the aged. How often do the father and mother of a
large family remain young at heart because of the love they give to,
and draw from, their grandchildren? In fact, many say that old age is
their happiest time of life because they can enjoy to the fullest the
love of the children and grandchildren without the accompanying
responsibility. On the other hand, how lonely and miserable are the
typical old people who have no children or grandchildren to love them?

One should not overlook the fact that there are some disadvantages to
both parent and child in the large family. However, an objective review
of these disadvantages would surely establish that they are outweighed
by the advantages. For example, the large family may require the
parents to make great financial sacrifices. They may be unable to
afford as comfortable a home, own as new an automobile, or dress as
well as can the husband and wife with a small family. But they have
sources of lasting joy in the love, warmth and affection of their
children--a joy that money cannot buy. The children of a large family
may also be required to make sacrifices. Their parents may be unable to
pay their way in college. But this need not mean that they will be
denied educational opportunities. Thanks to scholarships, loan
programs, and opportunities for student employment, the bright boy and
girl who truly desires a college education can find the financial
resources to obtain one. And having to earn at least a part of their
own way will make them better students. Researchers have established
that students who drop out of college most frequently have had all
their expenses paid for them and have never learned the true value of
an education.


Considerations for parents of small families. If you have but one or
two children, you should try to create for them opportunities such as
exist in larger families to develop their characters. In particular,
you should discourage selfish tendencies--a natural hazard in the small
family. Since you can concentrate all your attention upon your child,
you may tend to worry about him to a greater extent and to bow to his
whims more often than do parents of a large family. There is a natural
danger, therefore, that he will become accustomed to having his own way
and will not recognize that others have desires which should be
accommodated too.

In training an only child, it may help you to remember that self-denial
is the virtue from which other virtues spring. You should therefore
strongly resist the tendency to do everything for him and not permit
him to want for anything. So that he may learn to get along with
others, encourage him to cultivate friends. Invite them to your home
where he will be the host and thus must exert himself to please them.

Finally, give him the freedom to develop in his own way. You must
control the impulse to worry unduly about every ailment, to stand guard
over him at play, to check up constantly on his teachers to make sure
that they are doing their job right. Such actions would betray a
tendency to interfere abnormally in your child's affairs. Unless you
avoid them you may find yourself ultimately trying to dictate where he
should work and whom he should marry, and you will make it difficult
for him ever to make decisions for himself.


How to be a good father. Probably nobody denies that the typical father
exercises less authority in his home today than at any time in history.
Reasons for this decline probably are of no interest or help in the
present discussion; but the effect of it cannot be overlooked. For
evidence accumulated by psychiatrists, social workers and similar
experts proves unmistakably that when children lack a strong father to
guide them, they suffer serious damage in many important ways. Consider
these facts:

There is a startling growth in homosexual tendencies among the young,
and most authorities agree that the boy who develops feminine
characteristics usually has had unsatisfactory relations with his
father in one or several important respects. Increases in juvenile
delinquency--a headlined trend in every part of the country--are also
due to the weak position of the father; the lack of an affectionate and
understanding relationship between father and son is a prevalent
characteristic in the background of boys charged with criminal
offenses. Many authorities also blame the shocking rates of divorce and
marriage breakdowns to this cause. The fathers of those who cannot
succeed in marriage often never gave their children a realistic example
of how a man should live with his wife in this relationship.

The importance of the father as an example of manhood to his son and
daughter probably cannot be overestimated. For example, one day your
son may marry and have a family. To be a successful father, he should
know how to train his children; how to treat his wife and their mother
in their presence; what to discuss with them about his work; how to
show them manual skills, such as repairing a chair or painting
furniture; how to perform in countless other important areas. The best
way to learn how to act as a father is to observe one in action.

What ideals will he display as husband and father? To a large extent,
that answer will depend upon those he has learned from you, his father,
in your own home. What part will he play in the religious education of
his children? The answer will largely depend upon whether you have led
the family to Mass each Sunday, whether you say grace before meals in
your home, whether you take an active part in the spiritual life of
your parish. How should he act toward his wife--aloof, affectionate,
domineering, docile? Here too the answer will mainly depend upon your
example.

The adage, "Like father, like son," is firmly based on fact. No matter
how much he may resist your influence, your son will be like you in
many different ways. If your influence is wholesome, the effect upon
him will be wholesome. If you are a bad father, you will almost surely
corrupt him in some significant way. Remember also that you represent
God before your child because you are--or should be--the figure of
authority in your home. He will be taught that he can always depend
upon the mercy and goodness of the eternal Father, but it will be
difficult for him to grasp the full importance of that teaching if he
cannot rely upon the goodness of his earthly father.

It has been said that, in addition to giving wholesome example, a good
father follows four fundamental rules in his dealing with his children.
First, he shows himself to be truly and sincerely interested in their
welfare. Secondly, he accepts each child for what he is, and encourages
any special talent which the youngster possesses. Thirdly, he takes an
active part in disciplining his children. And finally, he keeps lines
of communication open with them at all times. Each of these rules is
worth detailed consideration, because the typical American father often
ignores one or more of them.

1. Show an interest in your child's welfare. You can do this by
devoting time to him, every day if possible. Try to discuss with him
his experiences, problems, successes and failures. By giving yourself
to him in this intimate way, you give him the feeling that he can
always depend upon you to understand and help him in his difficulties.
In a large family, it is especially important that you find time for
intimate moments with each child. Every youngster should know that his
father is interested in him as an individual, and is sympathetic with
him and devoted to his welfare.

Modern fathers may find it more difficult to make their children an
intimate part of their lives than did men of a few generations ago.
Today's fathers often work many miles away from home. They leave for
their jobs early in the morning and do not return until late in the
evening, perhaps after the children are in bed. Unlike the men of an
earlier age who often worked close to their homes, today's fathers may
seldom see their youngsters during the week. To offset this condition,
they should try to devote as much of their week ends to them as
possible. This does not mean that you should be a "pal" to your
children or that you must act like a juvenile, when aging bones may not
permit this. But at family gatherings, picnics, trips to the ball park
or even visits to the school, you are sharing leisure moments with
them.

2. Accept your child and encourage his talents. One man hoped for a
son, and found it impossible to conceal his disappointment when a girl
was born. He now spends much time trying to inculcate masculine virtues
in her and berates her constantly because she is not proficient at
sports. A successful lawyer prides himself upon his intellect and once
hoped that his son would achieve great scholastic success. But the lad,
now in high school, has shown no pronounced ability in academic work;
however, he is skilled at working with his hands. He must face unending
sneers from his father about his "stupidity. A third man married a
beautiful woman and expected his daughters to be beauties too. One girl
is extremely plain, however. Even at the age of ten she knows that she
is a complete disappointment to her father.

All of these examples indicate ways in which fathers display a lack of
acceptance of their children. It is a fact that the qualities a child
inherits--his physical attributes, aptitudes, and many other
characteristics--are the result of chance. He may be a genius or an
idiot: you should not claim credit if the first possibility occurs any
more than you should feel ashamed for the second. The moral is plain:
your children are a gift from God, and you should always accept each of
them in a spirit of gratitude. In fact, the saintly father will accept
a defective child with greater gratitude, for God has offered him an
opportunity to provide more love, affection and direction than the
ordinary youngster might need.

Remember also that your child is an individual, with talents which you
perhaps cannot appreciate. Let him develop them in the best way
possible. In attempting to learn why many gifted children do not go to
college, researchers have found that their parents often have actively
discouraged them. In a typical case, a father became wealthy through
real estate investments and could easily afford college for a son with
a strong aptitude in science. But the father accused the boy of trying
to "put on airs" whenever college was discussed. Thanks to him, the son
is now a misfit.

3. Don't shirk unpleasant tasks of parenthood. "See your mother; don't
bother me" is a remark commonly made by one type of father. He returns
from work, eats his dinner and then settles down to an evening behind
his newspaper or before the television screen. When his children seek
his aid with their homework or when they become unruly and require a
strong parental hand, he is "too busy" to pay attention. Such an
attitude tells a child that his mother is the true figure of importance
in the family, while Dad is only the boarder who pays the bills.

It is not fair for fathers to enjoy all the pleasures of parenthood--to
play with the children, to boast about their growth--and to give
mothers all the painful duties. A father should discipline as often as
the mother. If he fails to do so, he gives the children the idea that
he does not stand with the mother in her efforts to instill proper
manners and acceptable forms of behavior. As a matter of fact, in major
matters the good father is likely to be the court of last resort. This
is as it should be for his authority is more impressive and its effect
more lasting than that of the mother.

4. Keep lines of communication open with your children. Teenagers often
say that they cannot talk to their fathers about questions which
disturb them. This breakdown in communication usually stems from one of
three factors, or a combination of them. The father may be so severe in
his discipline that he appears as a dictator in the youngster's mind;
in the past he has always been "too busy" to keep on close terms with
his boy; or he has not given his youngster the respectful attention he
should have.

Stalin-type fathers fortunately are on the way out in America, for most
men have learned that it is easier to train a child with loving
kindness than with brute force. But some stern unyielding fathers
remain. They may beat their child into patterns of behavior that offend
no one, but in the process they often create a bitter adult who is
never able to confide fully in another human being.

The second and third possible explanations for a child's unwillingness
or inability to confide in his father may have even worse effects than
the first. In the first instance, unless the father is a calloused
brute, his child may at least discern evidence that his father is
interested in his welfare. But when a father does not even care enough
to concern himself with the child's upbringing in any serious way, he
evidences a complete absence of love or interest.

There are many things that human beings prefer to keep to themselves,
and it is probably good that this is so. Your child should not feel
that he must lay bare his innermost thoughts and desires. But he should
know that in times of stress and strain he has a sympathetic and loving
adviser to turn to. You will fulfill that role if you strive always to
treat him with courtesy and sympathy, and with an understanding based
upon your memory of the difficulties, problems, fears and aspirations
of your own boyhood. Never ridicule him: it is the opposite of sympathy
and probably locks more doors between father and son than any other
action.


How to be a good mother. In view of the many social evils resulting
from the decline in the father's influence, one of the most important
functions the modern mother should perform is to help maintain or
restore the father's position of authority in the family. In doing so,
you will fulfill your own role as a wife and mother to a greater extent
than is possible when you permit your husband to be the lesser figure.
This was the secret of the success of olden fathers. Even though they
worked twelve hours a day, their dominant role in the home was
guaranteed and protected by the mother.

You can make your greatest contribution to your family as the heart of
your home--not its head. From you, your children should learn to love
others and to give of themselves unstintingly in the spirit of
sacrifice. Never underestimate the importance of your role. For upon
you depends the emotional growth of your children, and such growth will
better prepare them to live happy and holy lives than any amount of
intellectual training they may receive.

Most of us know persons who have received the finest educations which
universities can bestow, who yet lead miserable lives because they have
never achieved a capacity to love. On the other hand, we also know of
men and women whose intellectual achievements are below normal but
whose lives are filled with happiness because their mothers showed them
how to love other human beings. It follows that in helping your child
to satisfy his basic emotional needs to love and be loved, you give
something as necessary as food for his full development. So do not be
beguiled by aspirations for a worldly career or by the desire to prove
yourself as intelligent as men or as capable in affairs of the world as
they. The father must always remain a public figure. The mother is the
domestic figure par excellence. In teaching your child the meaning of
unselfish love you will achieve a greater good than almost any other
accomplishment of which human beings are capable.

You are the most important person your child will ever know. Your
relationship with him will transcend, in depth of feeling, any other
relationship he probably will ever have--even the one with his marriage
partner. As noted above, from you he will learn what true love really
is. From the tenderness you show and the security you give, you will
develop his attitudes toward other human beings which will always
remain with him.

However, his dependence on you begins to wane soon after birth--and
continues to wane for the rest of your life. In his first years,
naturally, he will rely upon you almost entirely--not only for food,
but also to help him perform his most elementary acts. But soon he
learns to walk and to do other things for himself; when he goes to
school he can dress himself; when he reaches adolescence and strives
for the freedom that adults know, he will try to throw off his
dependence so violently that you may fear that you have lost all hold
upon him.

Your job is to help him reach this state of full and complete
independence in a gradual fashion. And your success as a mother will
depend to a great extent upon the amount of emancipation you permit him
as he steps progressively toward adulthood. Therefore you should try to
judge realistically when your child truly needs your help and when he
does not.

If you can reach the happy medium wherein you do for your child only
what he cannot do for himself, you will avoid dominating him or
overindulging him. The dominant mother makes all decisions for Johnny
and treats him as though he had no mind of his own; the overindulgent
mother will never permit her Mary to be frustrated in any wish, or to
be forbidden any pleasure her little heart desires. The overindulgent
mother may do without the shoes she needs to buy a doll for her Annie;
she may stop what she is doing to help Johnny find the comic book he
has misplaced; she may eat the leftovers in the refrigerator while she
gives the freshly prepared food to her children.

The overindulgent mother is a common character in literature. Probably
every American woman has seen movies and television programs, and has
read stories in magazines and newspapers, in which these defects were
pointed out. Yet every new generation of mothers seems to practice the
same extreme of behavior. Some excuse themselves by saying that they
want to give their children every advantage in life. Such an intention
is laudable, perhaps, but the method is impractical. If you want to do
the best for your child, let him develop so that he can face life on
his own feet. Overindulging him denies him his right to develop his own
resources and thus defeats the purpose of your mission as a mother.

Someone once remarked in jest that as part of her education for
motherhood, every woman should visit the psychiatric ward of an army
hospital. If you could see the countless examples of mental disorders
caused largely by the failure of mothers to sever the apron strings to
their child, you could easily understand why--for the sake of your
child's emotional self--you must make it a primary aim to help him to
develop as an independent person.

Priests and psychiatrists often see problems from different angles, yet
they display striking agreement in pinpointing other kinds of maternal
conduct which do great harm to the child. Their advice might be
summarized as follows:

Don't be an autocrat who always knows best. Your child may have his own
way of doing things, which may seem to be inefficient or time-
consuming. Have patience and let him do things his way, thus giving him
the opportunity to learn by trial and error.

Don't be a martyr. Naturally, you must make sacrifices. But do not go
to such extremes that your child feels guilty when you deny yourself
something which rightfully should be yours, in order to give him what
rightfully should not be his. A typical martyr worked at night in a
laundry to pay her son's way through college. Before his graduation, he
asked her not to appear at the ceremony--he said she would be dressed
so poorly that he would be embarrassed.

Don't think you have the perfect child. Some mothers, when their child
receives low grades, appear at school to determine, not what is wrong
with him, but what is wrong with the teachers. When such a mother
learns that her son has been punished for disobedience, she descends
upon the school officials and demands an apology. By her actions she
undermines the child's respect for all authority--including her own.
You will probably be on safe ground, until your child is canonized at
St. Peter's, if you conclude that he has the same human faults and
weaknesses that you see in your neighbors' children.

Don't use a sickbed as your throne. The "whining" mother feigns illness
to attract sympathy and to force her children to do as she wills. Who
would deny the last wish of a dying person? In this vein she often gets
what she wants--for a while. The usual, final result, however, is that
her children lose both sympathy and respect for her.

Don't be a "glamour girl." Motherhood is not a task for a woman who
thinks that ordinary housework--preparing meals, making beds, washing
clothes--is beneath her. Of course, mothers should strive to maintain a
pleasing appearance, but they should also realize that they are most
attractive when they are fulfilling the duties of their noble vocation.
You would embarrass your family if you insisted on acting and dressing
like a teen-ager; and, if you adopted a demeaning attitude toward
household tasks, you would teach your children that motherhood and its
responsibilities are unworthy of respect.



CHAPTER 3: YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S BEST TEACHER

IT CANNOT be repeated too often that you are your child's most
important teacher. As an adult, he will reflect your influence to a
greater extent than you probably imagine--just as you reflect the
personality of your own mother and father. Even if you refused to
exercise your God-given responsibility to train him, you would leave
your imprint upon his personality nevertheless. For instance, a father
who deserts his family while his child is still an infant leaves an
impression upon the youngster that will never be eradicated; he says,
in effect, that parenthood is not worth the trouble and that a father's
obligations are more than a man should carry. The storekeeper who calls
it "good business" when he cheats his customers by selling inferior
merchandise teaches his child that honesty is unimportant. The mother
who tells smutty stories need not deliver a speech downgrading purity;
her actions, more effectively than words, teach this principle to her
child. And against such influences of the home, it is highly unlikely
that the corrective teaching of church or school can prevail.

You have an awesome responsibility, therefore, but also a challenge--a
challenge to which you will rise magnificently if you realize the
benefits to humanity that can be achieved if you live by true Christian
principles. As we have noted, your influence as parent will extend not
only to your children but to your children's children and down to many
other generations yet unborn. Your simple acts of devoted motherhood or
fatherhood may assist untold numbers to heaven--or your bad example may
be the force which may lead them to hell.


What your child needs. In order to become an adult who will honor God
and serve his fellow man in the way God intended, your child needs the
sense of security that can come only from your unquestioned love and
kindness. When a baby is born, he enters a strange environment--one
newer and more different to him than Mars might be to the first space
traveler. Before birth, your child was sheltered, warmed and fed in an
automatic process. Then his world abruptly changed: he became an
individual thrust from his warm, protecting shelter and forced to
encounter cold, hunger and suffering. Never again on earth will he
enjoy the sense of peace and well-being that he experienced in the
womb.

The newborn babe needs food and shelter, of course. But even more, he
needs a substitute for the security he has lost. This need can be
satisfied in a physical way at first--for instance, when he is held
close to his mother's body. Later, as he develops a sense of physical
freedom as an individual, it must be supplied psychologically through
love.

In his book "Your Child's World," Dr. Robert Odenwald, the
psychiatrist, states that your child's need for security will be the
most important part of your relationship with him. His behavior in
later life will reflect whether you have provided or denied it, and how
much maturity he acquires as an adult will depend directly upon how
much security you give him in his early years. "You can best foster a
feeling of security in your infant or young child by giving him
uniform, sympathetic care," Dr. Odenwald states. "Paying loving
attention to his needs, like holding him and rocking him, creates a
steadfast continuity which makes him feel secure. One of the first
things you will discover about your child is his urgent demand for
consistency. Take him from the crib to which he has become accustomed,
change some characteristic of his feedings, misplace his favorite toy,
get someone new to care for him for a short period, and he may wail for
hours. Is this an early evidence of perverseness on his part? No. It is
evidence of his desire for security and his deep unhappiness when it is
not provided for him."

As your child develops, you can make him secure by constantly letting
him know that you are interested in him as a person, and that you want
him and love him. Few parents would openly admit that they do not love
their child; yet many reject their offspring by their actions. Some
couples find that a young child interferes with their pursuit of
pleasure: they cannot go to many dancing parties or stay out until
early morning when an infant demands their attention around the clock.
Others may subconsciously resent the fact that they no longer can spend
as much as they would like on liquor, clothes or automobiles; they must
tighten their purse strings to support their baby. Other couples are
immature and see the infant as a threat to their hold upon the
affections of the partner.

When these resentments exist, the parents may not express them openly;
it is not the "polite" thing to do. But they may develop attitudes
which express their true feelings. One such attitude is perfectionism.
Those who would not dare reject their child in an obvious way--such as
by leaving him upon a doorstep--can set up standards of behavior with
which any human being would find it impossible to comply. Typical
perfectionist parents usually have only one or two children; they often
are more concerned about what other people will think of them than
about what is truly right, and they tend to be unable to give freely of
themselves emotionally. They upbraid their child for disturbing the
sterile neatness of the living room, for shouting or singing in the
house, or for returning dirty after playing outdoors. These parents are
really saying that what their child does naturally--and what any normal
child would do--is not suitable behavior. By setting up artificial
standards, they do not allow him to develop in a normal way and thus
they undermine his confidence in himself as a worth-while individual--
the very basis of his security.

Other parents stifle their child through overprotectiveness. Such
parents also are saying that their child cannot be trusted to handle by
himself the normal situations of everyday living which others of his
age tackle with their own resources. Visit a public park on a Sunday
and you will see overprotectiveness at its most appalling. A young
child wishes to run on the grass, but his mother holds him back because
she fears he might fall and hurt himself. Eight-year-olds playing a
game are constantly warned not to throw the ball too far, lest they run
out of the parents' sight and thus risk getting lost. These are extreme
examples--the kind which often bring the child involved into a
psychiatrist's office years later, as an adult, when he lacks the
initiative to perform even common tasks on his own. Fortunately, few
parents are guilty of such extreme behavior, yet lesser varieties of
overprotectiveness--the kind summed up in the word "Momism"--are more
common than most persons suspect.

You are overprotective when you implore your young child to eat his
dinner every night for fear that he will not get proper nourishment. If
you withheld food between meals and let him hunger for a few days if
necessary, he soon would eat what is offered at mealtime. You are
overprotective if you constantly warn him of dangers such as falling
which are a normal risk in children's games. Likewise, you are
overprotective if you repeatedly beseech your teen-ager to wear his
rubbers when it rains; after a few urgings on your part, it would be
better for his full development as a self-reliant individual if he
contracted a cold as a result of his failure to wear them and thus
learned from his own experience. For by constantly reminding your child
to do what is a reasonable responsibility of his age, you indicate that
you lack confidence in him and thus undermine his security.

It is obvious that a necessary chore when done for a young child may be
sheer overprotectiveness when done for an older one. When your two-
year-old plays in front of your house, common prudence dictates that
you remain close by, because he lacks the experience to know that he
must not run into the street and possibly into the path of an oncoming
car. But to sit by for the same reason while your nine-year-old plays
is sheer overprotectiveness. Thus, to function effectively as a parent,
try to understand what may reasonably be expected of your child at
various stages of his development. Many excellent books have been
written by child psychologists which indicate what the normal youngster
can do for himself at different ages.


Understanding your child. A second need of your child is to be
understood in terms of his own native talents and capabilities. God
makes each one of us different; our nervous systems may run from
extremes of restlessness to extremes of placidity. One child may be
born with a physique that demands constant physical exertion. Another
may prefer to spend hours in one spot, if not in one position. One
child may have a native curiosity which may some day make him an
outstanding scientist; another may be bookish; a third given to play-
acting. As was noted earlier, you should first accept your child for
what he is. Then you should try to understand his particular needs
which result from the fact that he is who he is. This is of great
importance if he is to have a wholesome environment in which he can
develop his fullest potentials.

Modern experts make much of the necessity of understanding your
youngster. They are correct in this attitude. If two-year-old Eddie
constantly demands attention after the birth of a younger child, it is
helpful to parents to realize that his conduct is probably caused by
his fear that his parents are giving to the newcomer the love which he
wants for himself. If your eight-year-old constantly picks on younger
boys and is acquiring a reputation as a bully, it helps you if you
realize that he probably feels frustrated in some important area of his
life and is venting his frustration upon those who cannot fight back.
If your thirteen-year-old daughter defies your wishes and applies rouge
and lipstick when out of your sight, it may aid you if you understand
that she is expressing her wish for greater freedom, and perhaps feels
that you regard her too much as a little girl.

All too often, however, parents who understand why a child does a
certain thing also feel that they must accept the action. This is a
complete mistake--the kind of error that soft-hearted social workers
make, especially in dealing with juvenile delinquents. You should
understand why your child acts as he does so that you may be able to
satisfy those emotional needs which he is seeking to satisfy by his
improper conduct. If his actions reflect his sense of insecurity, find
ways to give him a feeling of being loved and wanted. If his actions
indicate his struggle for independence, provide outlets that enable him
to express his own individuality without harming others. If his conduct
indicates a belief that he is treated less fairly than your other
children, devise ways to prove that he shares equally in your love.

But because you can explain why Johnny acts that way does not mean that
his objectionable conduct itself should be tolerated. There is probably
a reason why every sinner in history has performed his shameful act.
But that does not make the act justifiable. The man who kills in a fit
of passion may have been goaded into it; yet society rightfully demands
that he pay a penalty. The bank robber may have been frustrated as a
child; but if his lawyer advanced such an excuse before a judge, he
would probably be laughed out of court. Therefore, when you seek to
understand your child, do so not to excuse him but to gain knowledge
that will help you direct him along the course of proper action.


Directing your child. Your final and fullest test as a parent lies in
helping your child reach the potential of which he is capable. You must
show him the way to go, and to do so you must know the way yourself.

Your child's goal is a happy, holy adulthood in which he serves God and
man. He will make much progress toward this goal simply by following
his natural urges to grow physically and mentally, and by observing you
in your everyday relationship. But he should also be directed formally
toward his goal by your direct teaching. Three principles are involved:

1. You alone have this authority to teach. It is your right given by
God as an attribute of your parenthood. Moreover, no one can take it
from you, so long as you fulfill your obligation to exercise it.
Christian society has always recognized that the authority of the
father and mother is unquestioned. For instance, in most states of the
Union, a child is legally subject to his parents until he is eighteen.

2. Respect for authority is earned, not imposed. Children will always
respond to authority when it is just and when they respect the parent
who exercises it. They will ignore or disobey authority when it is
unjust or when the parent has forfeited their respect. A father cannot
expect his child to obey his rules if, for example, he consistently
passes red lights and commits other traffic violations and thus shows
that he himself disregards the laws of society. Likewise, your child
will respect you only when you show by your actions that you respect
him.

3. Your authority must be used. One "modern" father decided not to
teach his child anything about God so that the child could choose his
own religion himself when he grew up. This man could just as well have
argued that he would not try to inculcate any virtues; that the child
could choose between honesty and dishonesty, between truth and
falsehood, or between loving his country and hating it. Precisely
because you are more experienced, you must decide on all matters
affecting your child's welfare. You would not wait for him to decide
when to see a doctor to treat his illness; you would call the doctor as
soon as you decided that his services were necessary. You would not
allow your seven-year-old to choose a school; you would make the
decision without even consulting him.

As your child develops, he should exercise an increasing amount of
authority over his own actions. When he is eight, you will decide which
Mass he should attend on Sundays; when he is eighteen, the decision
probably will be his. When he is seven, you will exercise a strong
control over his reading matter; at seventeen, he himself will exercise
a choice.

Allow your child to make decisions for himself on unimportant matters
first. In questions involving the important areas--his religious
duties, choice of school, etc., give freedom slowly and carefully. For
instance, your teen-ager might be free to decide whether to attend a
sports event on a Sunday afternoon, but he has no freedom to decide
whether to attend Mass on Sunday morning.


How to instill obedience. You can teach your child to obey if you
proceed in the proper way. Most youngsters want to remain on good terms
with their parents and will do what they are told to maintain that
relationship. Their disobedience often is due either to their ignorance
of what is expected of them or to their desire to test whether the
parents mean what they say. Obviously, your child's misbehavior through
ignorance of what you expect of him is not a deliberate attempt to
circumvent your will and cannot be considered disobedience; and if he
is promptly punished for stepping beyond the limits of conduct you have
set, his experimental disobedience will cease abruptly.

Many childish actions that may seem to be disobedient are actually not
that at all. A mother asked if her ten-year-old daughter would like to
set the table. The girl said that she would not. The mother shook her
head, remarking that the child was truly disobedient. The mother was
mistaken: her daughter merely gave an honest reply to a question. When
you want your child to obey you, tell him plainly that he must perform
a specific action. Only then can you justifiably expect him to do as
you say. If you ask him if he would like to do something or if you
merely discuss a possible action without making your position plain, he
may reasonably conclude that he may follow a course other than the one
you advocate.

Children should not be slaves, to be ordered about at a snap of the
finger. They must often be allowed freedom of choice, and should be
permitted to raise reasonable and respectful objections if they feel
that your instructions are not altogether correct. In doing so, they
merely exercise a prerogative of individuals with minds of their own.
But when an important issue arises and they must obey without
questioning or quibbling, let them know that you expect strict
obedience.

As children grow older, they can be appealed to more and more by reason
than by stern orders. A soft approach--suggesting or requesting, rather
than commanding--is usually more effective. If you create a home
atmosphere of mutual confidence and loving trust, the need to issue
strict commands should diminish almost to the vanishing point by the
time your youngsters enter their late teens.


Forming good habits. Your need to direct your child's actions should
also diminish in proportion to his age. It will do so if you establish
good habits of living which enable him to fulfill his obligations as a
matter of course. By instilling good habits, you can impress upon your
child that he has obligations to God and family; that authority demands
his respect; that he must be reverent at his religious duties, co-
operate in the home, and sacrifice his own interests where necessary
for the welfare of others.

By developing good habits in many different areas of life, your child
will strengthen his character. He will get many of these habits simply
by watching you. From you he should learn to accept his responsibility
toward Church, country and family. He should begin the habit of
contributing to the support of your pastor at an early age, and be
responsible for putting a small sum in the collection plate each
Sunday. He should be taught to tip his hat in reverence when he meets a
priest or sister. He should also bow his head when he hears the name of
Jesus. Many similar habits can be developed.

In the home, he also can learn habits of responsibility at an early
age. As soon as he is able, he should do some work around the house as
his contribution toward family living. The boy or girl of seven may set
the table for dinner or remove the dishes after it. A youngster of nine
or ten can help vacuum the floors and keep his own room in order. The
older girl can wash dishes and prepare meals occasionally. The older
boy can maintain the lawn and wash the car. By performing all these
tasks in a regular fashion and without being bribed to do so, your
children learn the habit of contributing to the common welfare.

Habits can be inculcated so that they become part of the daily pattern
of living. The youngster who is taught to say his morning and night
prayers will soon say them automatically, his parents will not have to
remind him every day. Similarly, the youngster who is required to do
his homework every evening after dinner develops a regular pattern of
performance. It will become an automatic process. When he arrives at
high school, he will be able to take responsibility for his studies
entirely.


The art of self-denial. One of the most important things you can do for
your child's development is to teach him to practice self-denial
willingly. If he is to become successful as a human being, he must
learn to deny himself immediate pleasures to achieve a future good. We
must all deny ourselves to achieve eternal happiness in heaven. So too
on a worldly level. The husband and wife who fail to deny themselves at
least some material pleasures during their early years of marriage will
reach old age penniless and dependent upon others. The student who
cannot deny his impulse for pleasure when homework assignments must be
done, pays the price ultimately by failing in his studies and finding
that he cannot achieve a suitable station in life.

Learning to say no is therefore the most important single lesson that
your child must learn. During his lifetime, he must say no to
temptations that besiege him on all sides; he must say no to
discouragements, defeatism and despair; if he is to reach any stature
in the spiritual or even worldly order, he must say no to urges to take
things easy, relax, or give up the fight. For this reason, parents who
try to do everything for their child ultimately do nothing for him; by
preventing him from developing self-discipline and the ability to say
no, they prevent him from acquiring the most important attribute of a
complete person.

How can you teach your child to practice self-denial? Mainly by setting
up rules for his conduct and behavior and adhering to them firmly. When
you do this, you make him aware of penalties that he must pay unless he
controls impulses of one kind or another. Must he be home for dinner
every night at 6 P.M. or lose desserts for a week? He must then say no
to playmates who urge him to play another game of ball that will last
beyond the designated time. Must he maintain a certain scholastic
average or spend extra hours at his books each day until the next
marking period? He will then learn that it is easier to deny himself to
achieve passing grades now than to make greater sacrifices later.

The concept of self-denial appeals to youngsters. It represents a
challenge--an opportunity to prove their mettle as strong-willed boys
and girls. When they learn how to win over their lower instincts, they
prepare themselves in the best possible way for the greater challenges
and battles they will face as adults.


Five principles of discipline. No laws can be effective unless
penalties are imposed when they are violated. So too with rules
governing your child's conduct: You will be unable to direct him
properly unless he learns that undesirable conduct will cause more pain
than it is worth.

The idea of disciplining a child is viewed with disfavor by some modern
experts. In their progressive view, the child should be free to express
himself, and "parents who hamper this self-expression hamper the
development of his personality." Enough years have passed so that we
can now examine the adult products of this progressive school of
discipline, and we find that the general results are not good. Children
who are permitted to do as they please without a control system to
govern their actions tend to become insufferably selfish, thoughtless
of the rights and needs of others, and incapable of exercising the
self-discipline which adults need to live harmoniously together.

Fortunately, the let-them-do-as-they-please school of child training is
rapidly becoming passe. Most authorities now recognize that a child not
only needs but also wants checks over his actions. Even in adolescence,
the so-called "age of rebellion against parents," youngsters have
affirmed many times that they prefer to be guided by rules of conduct
and expect to be punished for infractions. In fact, teen-agers often
complain that their parents are not sufficiently precise in announcing
what will and will not be allowed.

Since children vary so greatly in temperament, along with their
parents, it is probably unwise to set down hard and fast rules of
discipline. However, five general principles can be adapted to fit most
circumstances.

1. Keep in mind what purpose your discipline is intended to serve. You
should discipline your child mainly to instill in him proper methods of
behavior and to develop his ability to control himself in the future.

This principle implies that you must subjugate your own personal
feelings, likes and dislikes when exercising them might not serve a
useful purpose. To illustrate: A father has often slept late on
Saturday mornings while his young children raced about the house making
noise. Usually he merely rolled over in bed and put a pillow over his
head to keep out the sounds. One morning, however, he awakened with a
headache while his children pounded their drums. His first impulse was
to reach out from bed and spank them. But a second thought convinced
him that his children were behaving properly in the light of their past
experience, since they had no way of knowing that this was different
from other Saturdays. Therefore, the father spoke to them reasonably,
telling them that their noise disturbed him. If, after his explanation,
they had continued to pound their drums, he could legitimately punish
them to stress not only the importance of obedience but also that they
must sacrifice their own interests for the good of others.

The child who knows that his punishment is dictated by his parents'
love for him will become a partner in the punishment--at least to some
extent--because he realizes that it is for his own good. That is why
wise parents sometimes permit their youngsters to choose their own
punishment when they have violated rules. The youngster who recognizes
the need for punishment and who willingly accepts it takes an important
step toward the goal of all his training--the disciplining of himself,
a process which will continue until death.

2. Let the punishment fit the crime. In applying this principle, try to
put yourself in the child's place. A four-year-old girl was playing in
a side yard with several boys of her age. A neighbor observed her
exposing her sex organs to them and reported the fact to her mother.
The mother raced to the yard, grabbed the girl by the arm, dragged her
into the house and beat her with a strap, raising welts upon her back.
This mother should have realized that her daughter lacked the
experience to know that her action was not proper. Moreover, the
punishment was entirely out of keeping with the offense. It was based
on the mother's own sense of shame and not that of the child. It was an
exercise of hate--not of love.

What offenses call for physical punishment? In the view of most
experts, very few. However, reasonable corporal punishment, sparingly
used, can be more effective than some educators like to admit. If a
child's actions might cause physical harm to himself or another, his
punishment should be strict enough to impress upon him the dangers of
his actions. For instance, a child of two does not understand why he
should not play with matches or cross the street without an adult. If
he reaches for matches or steps from the sidewalk, you might spank him
because this is the only way he can learn a vital lesson. The very
young child measures good and bad in terms of his own pleasure and
pain, and since most of his experiences are still on a physical level,
physical punishment has its place. But wherever possible, love and
affection should hold the foremost position. When your child resists
the temptation to touch matches or cross a street unaided, use praise
to assure him that he is doing the right thing. Spank him if nothing
else works.

Some psychologists make much of the possible harm done to a youngster
by physical punishment. But the Bible's teaching that "He that spareth
the rod hateth his son" (Proverbs, 13:24) indicates that physical
punishment, as such, does not harm the child emotionally. When it is
accompanied by indications of hatred, it is undeniably wrong. But the
parent who applies the rod in a calm way and as evidence of his desire
to help the youngster's development probably does not do lasting hurt.
On the other hand, some of the most brutal punishments--the kind that
leave wounds for years, if not for a lifetime--come from words. One
little girl was never spanked by her father. But whenever she did
things which he found objectionable, he shook his head and commented
that she was certainly "a queer one." The girl is now a woman of fifty,
and her father has been dead thirty years, but his attitude still
rankles deeply. She believes that it reflected his unwillingness or
inability to understand her.

It should not be necessary to punish girls physically after they reach
the age of twelve. Many teachers believe, however, that teen-age boys
can be held in line by--and respect--authority exercised in a physical
way. Girls usually respond more readily to deprivations of privileges--
being denied permission to visit friends on week ends, to attend movies
or watch television.

3. Punish only once for each offense. One advantage of corporal
punishment which is often overlooked is that it usually "clears the
air." Once it has been applied, parents and child generally feel free
to forget it and go on to other matters. When their punishment is less
decisive, parents may tend to keep harping on the offense--and the
child never knows when it is going to be thrown up to him again.

To apply this principle, make sure that your child thoroughly
understands what his punishment will be. For instance, if you decide to
deny him desserts for a week, tell him so at the outset; do not keep
him wondering from day to day when the punishment will end. And do not
harp on the offense after the punishment ends. Let him know that when
he pays for his conduct he starts with a clean slate.

4. Be consistent. Your child deserves to know exactly what kind of
conduct is tolerated, and what will be punished. Unless he knows this,
he will try to find out how far he can go. If you tell him that he must
be home at 8:30, he will be uneasy if he arrives at 9:00 and is not
called to task for being late. Next time, he will be tempted to remain
out until 9:30, and he will continue pushing the hour ahead until you
step down firmly. If you berate him for arriving home at 9:00 after he
returned at 10:00 the night before without comment from you, you will
leave him thoroughly confused as to where the limits actually lie.

To be effective, your rules must also be fair. One child should not be
punished for actions which another commits with impunity. In one family
with seven children, all know that they will lose their allowances for
a week if they are not at home for dinner at a designated time. One
evening one youngster came home late with the excuse that the bus was
delayed. His mother said that she would not punish him. The father then
insisted that the boy lose his allowance, because he knew that once any
excuses were accepted, the parents would be besieged with them and the
entire system of fairness for all would break down. As this example
indicates, parents who do not apply rules consistently actually perform
a disservice to the child.

5. Investigate before you punish. In order to discipline your child
properly, you must necessarily know the facts in the case. Otherwise
you do not know what purpose your punishment should serve. Parents may
easily misinterpret a child's action. Sometimes he does things which
are wrong because no one has told him not to do them and he does not
know whether they are approved or not. Be especially careful before
punishing a child involved in a quarrel or fight with another. It is
often difficult to find out who is at fault, since both children
usually contribute to a squabble to greater or lesser extents.



CHAPTER 4: YOUR CHILD'S MORAL TRAINING

IN NO other aspect of your child's upbringing will your example exert
such a powerful force as in his moral training. For your words to your
child are meaningless unless your own actions confirm them. A mother
teaches her son to say morning and night prayers, but she says neither.
He is only seven years old, but already he questions why prayer is
necessary for him but not for adults. One need not be a prophet to
realize that he will stop praying as soon as he can. A father teaches
that it is wrong to use the Lord's name in vain; but whenever things go
wrong around the house, he spews forth profanity. His son likewise
swears at every chance he gets. A father tells his children that they
must respect authority, but he belittles his own employers, criticizes
elected officials of the country in the most insulting ways, and makes
sneering remarks about priests and his boys' teachers. And he cannot
understand why his sons get into trouble for disobeying school
regulations.

If you could examine records of families from generation to generation,
you would see undisputed proof of the priceless power of example. In
one family, a man now eighty learned from his father's example that men
went to church only for baptisms, weddings, and funerals. The man tried
to teach his own son to attend Mass as required by Church law, but
neglected to do so himself. His son followed his example--not his
teaching--and his grandson now also does likewise. More than a hundred
years ago, a merchant made a fortune by cheating townspeople who
shopped at his store. His grandson is a "respectable businessman," but
he too believes that chicanery is justifiable if it makes money. On the
other hand, men and women who are long dead but who lived holy lives
have left a heritage that lives on in the sanctity of their children's
children.

Therefore, if you would help your child to achieve his true purpose--
the living of his life in accordance with the will of God so that he
may save his soul, and if you would see your good influence continue
for untold future generations, provide an example that gives the holy
guidance he needs.


Your child's spiritual training. A mother once asked her pastor when
she should begin teaching her five-year-old about God. The pastor
replied that she was already five years late. What he meant, of course,
was that your child's religious training should begin almost as soon as
he is born. As Sister Mary de Lourdes states so beautifully in her
guide for mothers, "Baby Grows in Age and Grace," the child held in the
arms of a confident and competent mother and who is surrounded by the
happiness of a good Christian family has a natural start for the
spiritual life.

At seven to ten months, a baby begins to listen to sounds intently. He
does not know what words mean, but he gets an impression from the tone
of your voice, your facial expressions, and your gestures. It is not
too soon to begin teaching him a prayer. Such a prayer should be as
simple as possible, and preferably repetitive--with the same sounds
repeated over and over. Sister de Lourdes cites this one:


               Thank you, God, for Jimmy,
               Thank you for Jimmy's bread,
               Thank you for Jimmy's smile,
               Bless Jimmy in his bed.


As soon as your child can speak in syllables, you can teach him simple
prayers. For example, carry him to a painting or statue depicting the
Baby Jesus in His Blessed Mother's arms, and point out to him that the
Infant Savior also had a mother who loved Him. Before he reaches his
first year, he may be able to enunciate the name of Jesus. He can be
encouraged to say good night to the Savior of the painting or statue.
When the family eats together, the baby in his high chair will observe
that grace is said before and after meals. He will join in the prayers
automatically as soon as he is able.

Pictures have a powerful appeal for the one-year-old and two-year-old.
You can encourage his interest in religion by showing him paintings of
great events in the life of Our Lord. You will find him an interested
viewer and listener if you show him pictures of Baby Jesus, and the
Holy Family, and of Biblical incidents. He will also be a rapt listener
as you narrate the stories which the pictures illustrate. At Christmas
time especially, you can impress upon him that this great feast
commemorates the birth of the Infant Savior: your telling of the
Christmas story can begin to implant a reverence for this great feast
that will last throughout his life.

In his third year, your child will probably be ready to learn about the
creation by God of the world and everything in it. You will have
opportunities to teach him as a matter of course that God made the
flowers, the trees, the dog whose back he pats, and every other thing
that he sees about him. Express your own appreciation for God's many
gifts--the beautiful flowers, the lovely sunset, the water you drink,
the food you eat. In this way, he too will recognize that God is a
loving Father to Whom we owe gratitude for all things.

By the time he is three, he should be sufficiently advanced mentally to
begin practicing simple acts of self-denial. If he is given a piece of
candy before dinner, he will probably understand if he is told that he
must not eat it until after his meal. This is his first realization
that satisfaction of present desires must often be deferred for our own
good.

At the age of four, he should be ready to take a more active part in
family prayers. In some families, father, mother and children pray
together in the evening before the first child goes to bed. His
attendance at night prayers will impress the importance of this
devotion upon him and enable him to learn the words sooner than he
perhaps would ordinarily. Four-year-olds usually do not have a long
attention span, however, and the average child may become distracted
after a few minutes. The night prayers in which he joins may be kept
short at first and gradually lengthened as he grows older.

At this time, your child is old enough to understand certain moral
principles: that he must obey his parents because God wishes him to do
so; and that lying, stealing and disobedience are not in accordance
with God's will. You can teach these principles by giving him the image
of God as his Eternal Father. If he has a loving trust in his own
father, he will not find it difficult to visualize God as the loving
Father of all mankind. He is also ready to learn of his Guardian Angel;
many childish fears can be removed if he knows that his Guardian Angel
always watches over him, and he will feel secure in new experiences
when he knows that he has a protector.

From ages four to six, you can intensify in many different ways the
moral training you began earlier. Through family prayer and other
devotions, when you read to him, and through little talks when you
perform his daily routines with him, you can inculcate the great truths
of our religion. In particular, do not overlook opportunities to
instill high ideals through reading. Many excellent books recount Bible
stories in attractive pictures and text and they stress vividly the
importance of practicing virtue in our lives. For example, the story of
Adam and Eve can be a means of teaching him why he must obey God and
his earthly parents. The story of Abraham may teach him that we must be
ready to sacrifice all we possess if God requires it. From the parable
told by Jesus of the widow's mite, he can learn that we must always
show our gratitude to God; from the parable of the talents, that we
must always do our best for His glory.

Many devotions and religious observances can now be made an intimate
part of your child's daily life. In Chapter 16, devoted to religious
observances in the home, you will find many suggestions to help you
make the love of God the greatest fact in your child s existence.

Our Lord taught that the love of God is the first and greatest
commandment, but He also said that a second commandment was like it--
the commandment that we must love our neighbor as ourself. You probably
can best teach this commandment by example. More powerful than your
words will be your courteous attitude toward those who visit your home;
toward peoples of other races and creeds; toward those less privileged
in a spiritual or material sense than yourself. Christ's teaching that
all men are brothers under the Fatherhood of God will have greater
meaning for your child if he notices that you always treat others with
respect.

Before your child is seven, you will probably notice the formation of
his conscience. He may show by expressions of guilt or shame when he
has done wrong. This development of conscience indicates that you now
can appeal to him more and more on the grounds of reason, rather than
on the weight of your authority. The seven-year-old normally is
sufficiently developed to take responsibility before God for his
actions. By the orderly and constructive training you have provided, he
should be able to recite his morning and night prayers; he should know
the important laws of God and Church--the necessity to attend Mass on
Sundays and holy days of obligation and of abstaining from meat on
Friday, for example; and he should be ready to begin preparations for
his First Communion.

Obviously, your child's moral training at home does not stop when he
enters parochial school. Rather, it continues throughout his lifetime.
In the remaining chapters of this book you will find many suggestions
to help you meet his continued needs for spiritual guidance. Specific
problems you may encounter in his various stages are discussed below.


Early sex experimentation. A child cannot commit sin until he reaches
the age of reason. It follows that no moral guilt is associated with
his early sex experimentation. Some parents might mistakenly regard as
masturbation a baby's holding of his sex organ, but it is as natural
for him to display this interest as it is for him to examine his hands,
feet or other parts of his body. He may experience pleasure when he
touches his genitals, but this act has no greater moral significance
than has sucking his fingers.

The normal child generally discontinues his sex experimentation when he
finds other interests--and you can help him do so by giving him rattles
to hold or toys to play with. However, if he continues to touch his
genitals habitually after he begins to walk, he may be developing a
pattern which will make masturbation more difficult to resist in later
years. You should gently and casually remove his hands each time you
see him doing so. It is best to discourage this conduct in a matter-of-
fact way, much as you might prevent him from picking his nose. Do not
overemphasize its importance; otherwise you may accentuate his interest
instead of changing it.

Sometimes two- and three-year-olds display a curiosity about the organs
of the other sex. This interest also is natural and no evil intent is
involved, but it is not proper and should not be permitted. Likewise,
the little girl who lifts her dress in company is not guilty of any
moral wrong, but she should be told not to do it. By the time boys and
girls are about three years old, their training in modesty should
begin. They should learn that certain parts of the body must not be
exposed before anyone except their parents.

A young child usually can be easily trained to be modest if his mother
will tell him in a calm, unemotional way what is expected of him. Much
difficulty with children in this regard results from the inability or
unwillingness of parents to discuss the process of elimination without
a sense of shame, and without giving it an undue importance in the
child's mind.

Sex experimentation usually ceases well before the child reaches the
age of reason, and sex does not emerge as a serious problem in his
development until adolescence. If your child continues to touch his
genitals habitually after the age of six or seven, perhaps he seeks the
pleasure which he derives from the action to compensate for some sense
of insecurity. If your efforts to stop the practice fail, you should
discuss his case with a doctor.


Lying and stealing. Minor transgressions can be expected of every pre-
school child; if nothing more, they indicate his desire to learn
exactly what penalty will be imposed if he violates your rules. The
three- or four-year-old probably cannot understand that all of us must
obey God's laws. Later, of course, he must be taught that lying and
stealing are sins because they violate that law.

It takes a wise parent to understand the difference between a young
child's imagination and his lying. When children learn that speech has
the power to affect others, they often make up stories simply to notice
the effect upon adults. In such cases, you probably need not do any
more than indicate your mild disbelief. Untruths affecting others are a
different matter, however. If your child lies deliberately about a
serious matter, you should point out to him that his action is sinful;
that it harms those about whom he lies; and that it harms him by
causing people to lose confidence in him.

The best way to discourage lying is to encourage truthfulness. The
child who admits the truth and is willing to face the consequences of
his actions displays a fine sense of maturity and deserves to be
complimented for it. But do not carry your commendation for
truthfulness to extremes, as though it were a novelty. Whenever one
little boy did something wrong, he ran to his father and confessed. The
father invariably praised him for his honesty and neglected to punish
him for his actions "because he told the truth." The youngster, now
sixteen, is the most truthful boy in town--and the greatest mischief-
maker. He firmly believes that simply telling the truth absolves him of
all blame for his conduct.

Children also do a certain amount of stealing. Vinnie, three years old,
sees a toy which Billy is playing with and takes it as soon as he can
so that he too may enjoy it. He is simply doing what comes naturally;
he wants the toy and sees no reason why he should not have it.
Obviously, he commits no sin. He must be taught in a calm way, however,
that he must not take things which do not belong to him.

You can strengthen your child's resistance against the impulse to steal
by strengthening his own sense of possessiveness. If you treat his
possessions with respect, making it plain to him that you would not use
them without his permission, you make it easier for him to comprehend
his obligations to others.

Probably all children pass through a "stealing" stage during which you
can impress upon them the importance of not taking what belongs to
others. This tendency to pilfer others' possessions usually decreases
and ceases to be a source of difficulty by the time the child is seven.
If he continues to steal after that, it may indicate that some of his
strong and legitimate desires are not satisfied. For instance, the
parents of a ten-year-old boy habitually compared him unfavorably with
others of his age. He had a compelling urge to show that he was their
superior, and he began to steal watches and other jewelry and to flaunt
them before his classmates as presents he had received from his rich,
admiring relatives. Other youngsters may steal to relieve their
boredom: boys who raid a fruitstand may simply crave excitement. If
your child steals after he has reached the age of reason and is morally
responsible for his actions, do not minimize the fact that he has
sinned; but also seek to determine whether any psychological reason may
have been important in causing him to act as he does. A child should
always be required to pay for objects he has stolen, even if he must
work on Saturdays or forgo his allowance for months to do so.


What about "dirty words"? It may surprise some parents that the use of
what are commonly referred to as "dirty words" generally does not
involve any moral problem. It is a sin only when the name of the Lord
is taken in vain.

Most words which are offensive in our society have respectable origins
and have become objectionable only through usage. If your child returns
home and uses gutter terms which usually consist of four letters, he
probably is merely experimenting to learn what effect his use of them
will have upon you. More often than not, he lacks even a vague idea of
what they mean. When and if he uses such words, firmly point out that
the expressions are not tolerated in polite society. As with his
genital experiments, his experiments with "dirty words" will probably
end more quickly if you do not attach undue importance to them.

Blasphemous use of the name of God the Father, or Jesus Christ, or of
the saints must not be permitted, of course. If your child uses
blasphemous expressions in your presence, he probably has heard adults
use them and considers them suitable, or he is bringing them home as an
experiment. You should tell him that our love of God must be so strong,
and our gratitude for His goodness so great, that we must never use His
name in any but the most respectful way. A child should be punished if
he continues to take the Lord's name in vain after you have explained
why he should not do so, for reverence for God must be the cornerstone
of our religious belief and practice. Without it, true Christian lives
will be difficult to achieve.

If, in spite of punishment such as the deprivation of privileges, your
child persists in blaspheming God, look to his environment. It is
almost certain that he is in contact with an adult who blasphemes as a
matter of habit. If you cannot remove your child from this influence,
ask the offending adult to stop his habit because he is exerting an
extremely harmful influence upon your child.


Don't stress sin too much. In giving your child the moral training he
needs, avoid the extreme of referring to all of his transgressions in
terms of how they will affect his relations with God. It is true that
parents must never encourage children to be lax about moral matters,
for a sin is always hateful in the eyes of God. Nevertheless, some
parents--fortunately a very tiny minority--use their child's religious
sense as a weapon to force him to do things which should not normally
be expected of him. A mother discovered that she could get her daughter
to comply instantly with her commands if she accused her of "sinful
disobedience" for failing to do so. Soon the mother had a means at her
disposal to force the child to do excessive amounts of housework. As a
result, the girl grew up lacking respect for authority and with a
scornful attitude toward all the commandments.

When parents constantly thunder about sin, their children may develop
an abnormal fear of God, viewing Him as a judge who will thrash them
for the slightest offense. Such children may come to lose their trust
in God's mercy--a trust they will need in later life to meet the
crosses which will inevitably be theirs to bear.

In his book "Your Child's World," Dr. Odenwald describes a nine-year-
old patient who had become so terrified of the dark that he had extreme
difficulty in sleeping. "This boy feared that because of his sins--
really not sins at all but rather the normal actions of a boy his age--
he would be severely punished by the Almighty," Dr. Odenwald writes.
"Another boy reached the point where he confessed his sins to the
priest on Saturday, but felt unworthy to receive Communion on Sunday
because he might have offended God unwittingly by committing some mild
offense. A five-year-old girl, who was attending a Sunday School, was
so impressed by a sermon on hell and damnation that she could not get
it out of her mind. Because of her one-sided introduction to the idea
of punishment for sins, she displayed psychotic tendencies even at this
early stage."


Attitudes on confession. Most Catholic parents fully respect their
child's right to privacy in regard to confession. Of course, you should
not question him about what he told the priest, or what the priest told
him. To do so would be depriving him of the right to privacy in
confessional matters which is his. His decision to receive or not
receive the sacraments of Penance and the Holy Eucharist also must be
his to make.

While you must stand guard over your child's spiritual welfare, never
place him in a position where his failure to confess or receive
Communion will make him conspicuous. The reason for this warning is
that a child who is unworthy to receive Communion or fears to confess
his sins may be tempted to partake of the Holy Eucharist sacrilegiously
if his failure to receive will make him stand out in the crowd. Before
the rule for the Eucharistic Fast was relaxed, a person who did not
wish to receive Communion might create an excuse by saying that he had
inadvertently swallowed water. Since beverages one hour before
Communion are now permitted, and water is permitted at any time, such
an excuse is no longer valid. The person who does not wish to receive
may find it more difficult to hide the fact that he may not be in a
state of grace. Be doubly cautious, therefore, that you do not use
pressure upon your child so that he receives unworthily to hide the
existence of another sin.

Parents should be alert for opportunities to suggest the reception of
Penance and the Holy Eucharist, however. If a child consistently
resists the sacraments, they may fairly assume that he is troubled by
some moral problem. Without mentioning the matter directly, a parent
might tell him anew that God will forgive any sin and that any problems
brought to the priest in the confessional will receive sympathetic
consideration. Children may need to be reassured that they have nothing
to fear in confessing their sins and that their secrets will be kept
from all mankind. If your own attempts to encourage your child to
frequent the sacraments prove unsuccessful, you should discuss the
subject with your pastor.


When children doubt religious truths. While your children are in
elementary school, they probably will accept without question what you
teach about religion and morality. For example, the nine-year-old will
accept your explanation of why he must abstain from meat on Friday, and
will not question whether these regulations are entirely proper or
within the jurisdiction of the Church to make. He will accept, without
doubting their truth, the Old Testament stories of the Tower of Babel,
of Jonah, of Noah's Ark, and others. When he reaches adolescence,
however, you may be shocked at a change which may come over him. He may
now be aware that other people do not believe as we do, that some deny
the existence of God, others do not accept the trueness of the Church
or the divinity of Our Lord, and still others doubt the truth of many
incidents recounted in the Old Testament. Your child may quote these
nonbelievers in questioning you about Catholic doctrines. Sometimes he
may even give the impression that he fully accepts their errors.

It is probably unwise to betray suspicion that he is losing his faith
simply because he sharply questions Church teaching. In order to
understand completely why the Church holds as she does on matters of
faith and morals, every adult must understand the basic principles upon
which the doctrines rest. Only by examining various arguments for the
Church's position can a young person truly appreciate that her
teachings are based upon historical and logical truths.

Some parents show visible annoyance when their children question
various Church doctrines. This reaction often results from the fact
that the parent lacks enough knowledge to refute the adolescent's
arguments. Obviously, the Church would be in a sad position if she
could not stand up against questions raised by teen-agers. The facts
are that Church teaching is supported upon a bedrock of logic and that
many of the foremost thinkers throughout history have found her
doctrines unassailable. Therefore if you yourself cannot cope with your
adolescent's arguments, you can refer him to Catholic books,
literature, and other sources of information.

Do not expect your child to accept a religious teaching simply and
solely because the Church says it is so. As an individual with a
growing intellectual capacity of his own, he has a legitimate right to
know why the Church maintains a certain position. When helped in a
friendly way to understand that position, he will become a stronger
Catholic as a result.


Masturbation and homosexuality. Two serious practices--masturbation and
homosexuality--may have their roots in childhood. The former is more
common, and it has been said that most adolescent boys engage in it at
some time. The latter practice is probably more serious from a
pathological and sociological point of view, and is much more prevalent
than most people imagine.

By the time your child reaches the age of puberty (about eleven or
twelve years) you should have taught him that it is sinful to seek
sexual pleasure outside of marriage. It probably does little good--and
may do psychological harm--to warn him that masturbation will cause
serious permanent damage to his body. In an older day, youngsters were
usually told that this practice brought on impotence or insanity, and
some became highly neurotic and guilt-ridden when they found themselves
habitually unable to resist temptation. Moreover, there is no basis in
fact for the old beliefs.

You will help your child resist the inevitable temptations he will face
as an adolescent if you train him to practice self-denial in other
things throughout his childhood. For example, one who has learned to
give up pleasures during Lent--such as candy, movies or a favorite
food--will come to understand that he must often resist the urge for
pleasure in order to achieve a greater spiritual good. Keep a careful
check over influences which may lead him astray--movies or television
programs with provocative scenes, books or magazines which may
stimulate passion. Encourage him to get his full quota of physical
exercise; sports give him a fine outlet for energies which might
otherwise be expressed in harmful ways. Above all, build up his
idealism. Encourage him to read the biographies of great heroes and to
emulate them; youngsters can be inspired to far greater deeds of heroic
virtue than most parents realize. Always remember that chastity results
only when the will is superior to the flesh, and that this superiority
is not a thing apart. If the supremacy of the will is to be maintained
during your child's adolescence, he must strengthen it by self-denial
during his earlier years.

Homosexuality in boys is becoming increasingly prevalent, and some
authorities estimate that one American man in twenty-five is a
homosexual. With their increasing knowledge of the roots of this
condition, psychiatrists now believe that it is primarily a
psychological trouble, and that it often originates in childhood.
Specific causes are not known, but homosexuality in males seems to
occur more often when the mother is the dominant parent and when the
father is absent for long periods or is unduly harsh and brutal toward
his son. As a result of experiences and impressions developed over a
long period, the child subconsciously concludes that a woman's life is
more desirable than that of a man. A girl may develop tendencies toward
homosexuality if she is unable to achieve satisfactory relationships
with the opposite sex during her childhood. She subconsciously shrinks
from fulfilling her role as a woman.

Parents who provide a normal home life need not fear that their
children will become homosexuals. A boy should have a strong masculine
figure, preferably his father, from whom he can learn how to act as a
man and whom he can admire for his masculine traits. He should also
have a mother--or a substitute for her--whom he can love; his
experience will give him confidence as an adult to enter a loving
relationship with a woman. He should be encouraged to enjoy the normal
games and sports of boyhood. The mere fact that he prefers quiet
activities by himself--likes to read or collect stamps, for instance--
does not imply that he is a "sissy." But if he prefers to play with
girls when boys normally "can't stand them"--a common condition from
the ages eight to eleven--and if he prefers other strongly feminine
activities such as playing with dolls, psychologists say that his
parents should examine his development more closely.

Girls also need a mother or suitable substitute from whom they can
learn how to act when they grow up. If her mother is absent and her
father is the sole influence, she may develop strong masculine traits;
if, in addition, he does not treat her in a loving way, she may reach
adulthood unable to express love for any man. Simply because she enjoys
rough sports does not mean that she is developing homosexual
tendencies. But if this characteristic is combined with others, it may
indicate a strong leaning toward masculinity in her development and
should alert her parents to possible danger. When conditions of this
type are suspected, parents should hasten to a qualified psychologist
or psychiatrist for treatment.

From a moral viewpoint, an effeminate boy or masculine girl does not
sin unless he or she commits acts of impurity. It is therefore most
unfair to assume that a boy with strong feminine characteristics is
necessarily homosexual. In fact, he may be leading a life of heroic
virtue in struggling against impulses which developed throughout his
earliest years. It is likely, however, that his conditioning will
prevent him from achieving the fullest measure of harmony and love in
marriage.

One final warning: Even though every homosexual is probably
psychologically predisposed to such conduct by any one of the factors
mentioned, the growing amount of homosexuality in our society is
probably due to other factors as well. For one thing, a vocal minority
of our literati encourage the point of view that there is nothing
abnormal or unnatural about sexual pleasure enjoyed by members of the
same sex. Parents, therefore, where homosexual tendencies are
suspected, must forthrightly give the child thorough and correct sex
education. More important, perhaps, is their need of supervising their
child's companions. It is the writer's firm conviction that because of
the lax moral climate, the greatest incentive to homosexuality has been
the inculcation of these habits by evil-minded companions. Oftentimes
young boys or girls are initiated into this abnormal way of life at an
early age. By adolescence, therefore, the habits are fixed, even among
youngsters who have no psychological predisposition. And fixed habits
are hard to break, even for normal people. The ruination of many lives
could be prevented by watchful parents. Once a person has become an
habitual homosexual, he needs serious and long-term treatment by a good
psychiatrist and a competent confessor.



CHAPTER 5: WHY SEND YOUR CHILD TO CATHOLIC SCHOOLS?

THE most important assignment husbands and wives have from God is to
see that their children are properly educated. This is a prime and
basic purpose of marriage itself. And while the process of education
goes on for a lifetime, it does require today a certain amount of
schooling, particularly during the formative years.

When parents, therefore, choose a school for their children, they
delegate to the teachers a large part of their responsibilities and a
significant portion of their child's education. It is important that
they realize the implications of that choice.

If you choose, you can send your child to a public school, to a private
school, to a parochial school. You can hire a private tutor, even keep
him home and tutor him yourself, since the State merely establishes
minimum standards of achievement. As a practical matter your choice
usually lies between the parochial school and the public nonsectarian
school. Before making such a choice you should first determine what
purpose you intend his schooling to serve. In a general way, persons
holding all shades of religious belief agree that the school should
help prepare a child for life as a responsible adult. But since all men
do not agree on the purpose and meaning of life, they obviously cannot
agree on the type of school which can best prepare the child for it.

As a Catholic, of course, you take the position outlined in one of the
first questions in the catechism--that your child was born to know,
love, and serve God in this world in order to be happy with Him in the
next. You either believe this or you don't. If you do, his schooling
must help him achieve this goal.

This existence and eternal presence of God is the most important fact
of our lives. On this truth all other knowledge is built. The work of
the school, like the work of parental education itself, is to make the
child see this truth and all other truths which flow from it--truths
about the world, himself and other people. All of his experiences--
intellectual, social, moral--must be so guided that nothing is wanting
to his training as an intellectual, a man and a Christian. The child
must be taught religion, not merely for information but to strengthen
his ties with the Heavenly Father, Redeemer and Sanctifier. He must be
taught social studies to give him that understanding which will tie him
more closely to other human beings. He must be taught science to help
him appreciate and use with care the creatures of the material world.

While bringing ideas and facts to the child, the teacher must relate
these to basic Christian principles and our American heritage. The
child should be educated to hold sound convictions about the dependence
of all men upon God, the rights and duties that belong to every man
because of his human dignity and his social nature, the sacredness of
the family, the great worth of human work, the obligation of men and
nations to share material and spiritual goods with others. By its very
nature, then, knowledge of God and His divine plan cannot be a thing
apart. Rather it must be the guiding light which illuminates every
other subject that we learn.

Justice Robert H. Jackson of the United States Supreme Court in 1948
said this about religion and education: "It would not seem practical to
teach either practice or appreciation of the arts if we are to forbid
exposure of youth to any religious influences. Music without sacred
music, architecture minus the cathedral, or painting without the
scriptural themes would be eccentric and incomplete.... Certainly a
course in English literature that omitted the Bible and other powerful
uses of our mother tongue for religious ends would be pretty barren....
The fact is that, for good or ill, nearly everything which gives
meaning to life, is saturated with religious influences.... One can
hardly respect a system of education which would leave the student
wholly ignorant of the currents of religious thought that move the
world today...for a part in which he is being prepared."

When your child attends elementary school, his teacher probably
influences him for more hours each day than you do. What he learns from
her will have a powerful effect upon his character. Simple prudence
dictates, therefore, that the influence to which he is exposed at
school should intensify and reinforce your own teachings. This is
possible only in a school which recognizes God, because your child will
learn to be truthful, honest and just in his dealings with his fellow
man and to respect authority only as he understands God. The only true
motive for these and all other virtues is the knowledge that we are
dependent on God for everything and that He requires obedience to His
law as a test of our love for Him.

Supporters of nonsectarian education often object when Catholics
characterize public schools as "Godless." But the cold fact is that
they are Godless in the literal sense of that word. Inasmuch as our
society consists of citizens with every conceivable gradation of belief
and those who profess no faith at all, it has been deemed necessary to
eliminate such a controversial subject as God from the public school
curriculum. One need not look far for graphic illustrations of this
fact. In some areas, even attempts to start the school day with a
prayer to the "Supreme Author of Life" have met with rebuffs from those
who advocate "separation of Church and State." Some schools prohibit
the observance of Christmas as a religious feast. The children may sing
harmless jingles, but they may not learn that this great feast
celebrates the birthday of Jesus Christ.

Ironically, attempts to teach even the simplest facts about religion
are hemmed in by so many restrictions in most public school systems
that such education becomes tailored to the wishes of the tiny minority
of citizens who oppose every religion and even God Himself. As
Monsignor Carl J. Ryan, superintendent of schools of the Cincinnati
archdiocese, has pointed out, these persons are truly a privileged
class. "When the out-and-out secularist pays his tax money, he gets
exactly the kind of school his ideology calls for--one from which God
and mention of God are entirely excluded." No less an authority than
Thomas Jefferson, speaking on the teaching of religious truth, said,
"The relations which exist between man and his Maker, and the duties
resulting from those relations, are the most interesting and important
to every human being and the most incumbent on his study and
investigation."

How can your child recognize the pre-eminence of God and the necessity
of religious faith for his salvation if these facts are completely
ignored by one of the most important influences in his life? Even a
young child will tend to question the religious beliefs and moral
lessons taught to him at home when they are considered of such little
importance that they go unmentioned at school. No Christian parent
could maintain that a knowledge of geography--or music or dancing--is
more important to a child's development than his religious training;
yet public schools, by their very ignoring of God, can subtly create
this impression.


Church teaching on schools. The Church always has recognized that
schools in which moral teaching holds first place are essential to
nourish and protect the faith of young people. For example, in 1884,
Pope Leo XIII wrote to the French archbishops and bishops: "It is of
the highest importance that the offspring of Christian marriages should
be thoroughly instructed in the precepts of religion; and that the
various studies by which youth is fitted for the world should be joined
with that of religion. To divorce these is to wish that youth should be
neutral as regards his duties to God: a system of education in itself
fallacious, and particularly fatal in tender years, for it opens the
door to atheism, and closes it on religion. Christian parents must
therefore be careful that their children receive religious instruction
as soon as they are capable of understanding it; and that nothing may,
in the schools they attend, blemish their faith or their morals. Both
the natural and the divine law impose this duty on them, nor can
parents on any ground whatever be freed from this obligation."

Because centuries of experience have taught that the child exposed to
schooling which ignores religious training is in grave danger of losing
his faith, the Church has made it a universal rule that Catholics must
send their children to religious schools when such institutions are
available. Canon law states:

"All the faithful are to be so reared from childhood that not only
shall nothing be offered them opposed to the Catholic faith or moral
propriety, but also that religious and moral training shall be given
the most important place. Catholic children shall not attend non-
Catholic schools, neutral schools, or mixed schools, that is, schools
that are also open to non-Catholics. Only the local ordinary (the
bishop) is competent to determine, in concordance with the norm of the
instructions of the Holy See, in what circumstances and with what
safeguards to overcome the danger of perversion, attendance at such
schools may be tolerated." Theologians interpret this law as meaning
that Catholics who deliberately send their children to non-Catholic
schools, when Catholic schooling is available to them and in the
absence of some compelling reason, may be guilty of sin.

In view of the Church's clear teaching, why do some parents choose
secular education for their children when Catholic schools are
available? Let us examine the commonly cited reasons.


"A public school education is superior." This may be true in a few
parts of the country--in subjects other than religion, but it is not
true in the country as a whole. Despite the education and idealism
which public school teachers bring to their task, it is fair to say
that their dedication does not equal that of the priests, nuns and lay
brothers who voluntarily give their entire lives to the young. One
cannot visit a Catholic school without being deeply impressed by the
sense of complete devotion which Catholic teachers display. A teacher's
most important requirement is that she have a whole-hearted interest in
her pupils' complete development--intellectual, physical, moral and
spiritual, and Catholic teachers have this in an abundant degree.

In comparing schools by worldly standards, the usual measurement is the
mark that children receive on competitive tests. When parochial and
public school children compete, the former almost invariably do as well
as, or better than, their rivals. Much of the explanation of this
scholastic success lies in the more determined methods of discipline
practiced by Catholic teachers.

We have some substantiation of the above judgment in the study made in
1948 by Dr. Roger Lennon, Director of the Test Research and Service
Division of the World Book Company. He correlated data based on the
Metropolitan Achievement Test results for about 100,000 elementary
school pupils drawn from six dioceses, and made comparisons with a
comparable group of public school students. The intelligence quotients
of the two samples were about equal, while the parochial school
children were two or three months younger in age.

The conclusions of the study were as follows:


1. Reading  There was little difference up to the 6th grade, but the
superiority of the parochial students was very apparent in the 7th
grade and continued through the 9th grade.

2. Vocabulary  There was no appreciable difference up to the 5th grade.
But from the 6th grace on the parochial school students were superior
and in the 9th grade were more than a year above the public school
norm.

3. Arithmetic  From the 2nd grade through the 9th grade, the Catholic
school students were consistently superior.

4. Language usage  Except in the 7th grade, the achievement of the
parochial school students was higher.

5. Spelling  The parochial school students consistently had the
advantage and in the 8th and 9th grades were one year in advance of the
public school norm.

6. Literature  A third to a half year superiority is manifested in
grades 6 through 9.

7. History, civics, geography  These are the subjects in which the
greatest superiority of the parochial over the public school is
manifested--at least by a year in almost all cases.


8. Science  Here is an area of relative weakness in parochial schools.
Their students were below norm by a half year in grades 6 through 9.

With these exceptions noted, Dr. Lennon concludes: "In all other
subjects and at all grade levels the parochial school achievement is
consistently superior."

As we have seen, however, success in academic subjects should not be
the sole basis upon which a school is judged. Even were the Catholic
school in a particular community to hold a place below the tax-
supported schools in scholastic achievement, it would nevertheless be
superior. For it teaches the child the most important subject in his
life--his position in relationship to his Creator, his fellow man and
nature.


"My child can learn about religion at home and at Sunday School." This
is actually a basic teaching of the secularists--the false notion that
religion can be made a thing apart. The child who is led to believe
that religion is a subject reserved for Sundays is likely to grow up as
a "Sunday Catholic" if, indeed, he keeps his faith at all. Religion
cannot be recognized only one day in the week and ignored the rest.
Truths learned in religion class are more important than truths in
other subjects, because religious truths must influence every thought,
word and deed of every waking hour.

Moreover, a child cannot obtain in a weekly class the understanding he
requires to meet the challenges of his adult life as a Catholic. In
Catholic schools, the study of religion is a regular part of the
curriculum and is taught just as thoroughly as reading, writing,
arithmetic and other subjects. The child gains a deep and reverent
understanding of the principles of his faith, and practicing his
religion becomes second nature to him. Parents who believe that Sunday
School instruction is adequate for a religious education would protest
vigorously if their child were instructed only one hour each week in
geography, history or some other subject of considerably less
importance in the long view.

Father Joseph Fichter, S.J., who in 1958 completed a fine sociological
study of one school system, confirms this judgment: "Here is ultimately
the key to the difference between the public school child and the
parochial school child. The latter gets more and better reasons for his
attitudes and behavior. By systematic observation in the classrooms,
and by the testimony of police and fire departments, as well as of
pupils and teachers who have had experience in both types of schools,
there is demonstrable proof that the parochial school children are more
orderly and self-controlled than the public school children. They have
a better attendance record on school days and fewer of them get in
trouble with juvenile court authorities."


"I want my child to learn to live with all kinds of people." Persons
making this statement are obviously aware that there are basic
differences between Catholics and non-Catholics--but they fail to
realize that their child may adopt the beliefs of those with whom he
comes in contact.

Parochial school pupils actually do meet children of various racial
origins. The Church is universal and its membership is made up of all
races and classes. There is a diversity in conformity. In a typical
Catholic school, your child will meet youngsters of Irish, Italian,
German, Polish, English, French and other extractions.


"I went to public schools, and they did not hurt me." If so, the solid
experience of the Church proves that you are an exception. In any
event, one example does not prove a case. It is even true that some
graduates of Catholic schools fall away from the faith while some
graduates of public institutions are model Catholics. On the whole,
however, a child's chances of remaining a practicing Catholic are much
greater if he has had a thorough grounding in the teachings of his
religion.

If parents' testimonials are the best advertisement for a school
system, there is ample reason to believe that Catholic institutions
would score higher than public ones. Almost invariably, parents who
attended Catholic elementary schools, high schools and colleges are
most insistent that their own children also be educated in Catholic
institutions. An interesting observation on this point was made by
Amleto Giovanni Cardinal Cicognani, for twenty-five years Apostolic
Delegate to the United States.

"Fifty years ago American bishops had to insist that a parish build a
school and had to exert all their influence to see that there was a
good attendance," the Cardinal remarked. "Now it is just the opposite;
it is from the lay people that the pressure comes. If a parish does not
have a school, they come to the priest and insist that he must build
one."

The Catholic school system in the United States is virtually unique in
that its support depends entirely upon the people. Unlike Catholic
schools in many other countries, there are no State subsidies. Yet
American Catholics support thousands of elementary schools, high
schools and colleges even while they also pay taxes to operate public
institutions. They carry a burden of double taxation because they
realize the inestimable benefits that their children can derive when
religious and moral training are made an integral part of education.
Parents who have been educated in non-Catholic schools often are simply
not aware of the values they have missed.


The case for Catholic higher education. The reasons for education a
child in a Catholic primary school apply in the case of high schools
and colleges as well. Many Catholic educators make an even stronger
case for Catholic schooling on these higher levels.

The typical high school student tends to analyze religious values
searchingly. This is a time when he tends to rebel against authority as
he has come to know it. He often will take a position directly opposite
the one held by his parents, simply because by doing so he expresses
his desire for independence. In addition, at this time his intellectual
powers are developing rapidly and he is capable of engaging in serious,
intelligent argument for the first time. He is not satisfied with
answers given in a catechism. He demands a more highly developed
rationale for his actions.

If he has had only an elementary background in religion, he may be
unprepared for pressures exerted against the faith as he advances into
adolescence and beyond. In a Catholic high school and college, he
receives advanced training in religion which satisfies his own more
mature demands.

Commentators on the manners and mores of teen-agers agree that a desire
to conform, amounting almost to a compulsion, is characteristic of this
age. The typical high school student wants to be like his fellow
students from the shape of his haircut to the color of his socks. When
Catholic students are in a minority--as they frequently are in public
high schools--their ideals and aspirations will almost certainly be
weakened as they strive to conform to what the majority thinks and the
way it acts. Parents who voluntarily choose public high schools,
expecting their youngsters to retain their beliefs and ideals in the
face of such strong pressures, place a grave burden upon them.

There are more advantages to the typical Catholic high school than most
parents perhaps realize. Recently Dr. Leonard H. Watts, a teacher at
the Technical Teachers' College at Melbourne, Australia, and an
exchange professor for a year at the Southern Oregon College of
Education, was asked to describe the high school system of Australia.
He said that boys and girls generally attend separate high schools,
that students wear school uniforms and that girls are usually forbidden
to use cosmetics; that students get enough homework to discourage
dating; that sex education is left with the parents rather than taken
over by the school; and that pupils are encouraged to participate in
sports to provide outlets for their physical energies. Dr. Watts was
asked this question because of Australia's phenomenally low rate of
juvenile delinquency, and because high school marriages and pregnancies
among high school girls are extremely rare there. If you are familiar
with the typical Catholic high school in America, you will find a
remarkable correlation between the Catholic and Australian systems.

If finances permit, encourage your child to attend a Catholic college.
Of the hundreds of Catholic institutions in the country, he can
doubtless find many which offer courses in which he is interested.
Catholic colleges and universities, like Catholic schools on lower
levels, have scholastic records which equal and sometimes excel those
of secular institutions generally.

The student of college age usually dates; if he attends a Catholic
institution and has Catholic classmates, he is more likely to date
Catholic girls. Since many marriages begin with campus courtships, the
danger of his entering a mixed marriage will be almost automatically
reduced by his choice of a college.

Catholic college training will cap his knowledge of his faith and will
give him a complete intellectual basis for belief. He will also be more
likely to be governed by idealistic motives in choosing a career. He
will learn to serve God and man and in doing so will be equipped to
achieve far greater happiness from his life's work than one who takes
up a profession only for secular or materialistic reasons.

A Catholic college education is especially recommended for young women.
Here, emphasis will be placed on motherhood as a career. A common fault
of secular colleges is that they educate women primarily for careers
outside the home. In this process the desire to be a mother and a home-
maker is weakened, if not destroyed; for all too often, nonsectarian
institutions give the student the distinct impression that her college
years will be wasted unless she obtains paid employment and continues
to further her career after marriage and motherhood. In a Catholic
woman's college, training for Christian motherhood takes priority.


Responsibilities of parents with children in public schools. Because
Catholics must build and maintain schools without state aid, and also
because we constitute a very small minority in some sections of the
country, parochial schooling may not be available in your community.
Nevertheless you should see that your children obtain adequate
religious instruction and training.

First, you should co-operate fully by sending your youngsters to
catechism classes at your church. From their earliest days, teach them
that these classes are of the utmost importance for both their earthly
happiness and the salvation of their souls.

Secondly, try to compensate at home for their loss of religious
training at school. Apply the suggestions offered in the chapter on
"Religious Practices in Your Home," frequent the sacraments with your
children, encourage discussions on religious subjects, and make certain
that they faithfully fulfill the assignments given at catechism school.

Thirdly, remain alert for indications that they may be unduly
influenced by non-Catholic thinking. In communities heavily populated
by those outside the faith, Catholic children seem to be especially
subject to the fallacy that "one religion is as good as another." Once
this idea is accepted it is an easy step into a mixed marriage and the
loss of faith. You can help counteract this influence by impressing
upon your child that the Church's unbroken line of authority extends
back to St. Peter, whom Our Lord designated as the founder of His true
Church.

Since you may be obliged to answer many questions which your children
are asked by non-Catholic schoolmates, or to refute misstatements which
your children hear, you might do well to equip yourself with literature
that rebuts objections that non-Catholics raise against Church
teaching. An excellent and inexpensive aid is the three-volume set,
"Radio Replies," consisting of answers to more than 4,000 questions
asked of Catholic preachers. The book is published in a paper-cover
edition by Fathers Rumble and Carty of the Radio Replies Press Society,
St. Paul, Minn.

Finally, if your child attends a non-Catholic high school or college,
strongly urge him to join the Newman Club, if one is in operation, or
even to help start one. A Newman Club is an organization of Catholic
students in a non-Catholic school. Through courses of instructions and
social activities, it helps to strengthen the Catholic student against
influences which tend to draw him away from the faith, and also helps
him to form friendships with other Catholic boys and girls. Membership
in a Newman Club often makes the difference between a student's
maintaining the faith and losing it.


You and your teacher make one team. A small minority of parents believe
that they fulfill their moral obligations once they enroll their child
in a Catholic school. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Regardless of what school your child attends, the primary
responsibility for his education remains yours. His teachers merely
serve as your substitutes.

The implications of this principle are enormous. It means that you must
supervise your child's studies at home, and maintain his moral
standards by both your teaching and example. For Catholic schooling
usually can only reinforce the moral training you give at home; it
generally cannot substitute for it. On this point, too, you must be
prepared to hold fast against the modern trend.

As Dr. Grayson Kirk, president of Columbia University, has pointed out,
one of the truly terrifying developments of our time is the
indifference of parents toward their children's schooling. Too many
parents have abandoned too much of their responsibility to the schools,
says Dr. Kirk. He adds: "These parents seem to feel that if they feed
and clothe the child, and provide him with a television set, the school
should do everything else. The school cannot overlook its duty, but it
can be successful only if the parents realize that the home, when
properly organized, is a far more potent educational unit."

There are several basic ways in which you can co-operate with the
school. The first, of course, is never to lessen the teacher's
authority in the eyes of your child. Just as one parent must uphold the
other in matters of discipline, parents must uphold the teacher. At
times you may seriously question the teacher's judgment. Rather than to
express doubts before the child, however, it is better to discuss the
matter with her privately. Of course, since young children especially
are prone to misinterpret what an adult says, wise parents do not
believe everything their youngsters tell them about their teachers.

You will avert possible crises in your child's later years at school by
helping him to develop good study habits from his first grade on. If he
has a homework assignment, insist that it take priority over all other
activities--dancing lessons, television, comic books and other
distractions. Require him to study at a specified period each day--
immediately after the evening meal is a time favored in many homes. Ask
him what his assignments are and check them after they have been
completed to make certain that he has done them satisfactorily.
Ideally, when he arrives at high school he should accept full
responsibility for his work. He should do his assignments without
prodding and should habitually spend two or three hours each school
night preparing his lessons for the next day. Many difficulties that
youngsters encounter in high school could have been avoided if they had
learned to study effectively during their elementary school years.

Take advantage of opportunities to meet your child's teacher and to
discuss his scholastic record with her. Teachers in modern Catholic
schools encourage parents' interest and realize that pupils make faster
progress when school and home co-operate. Indicative of this trend
toward mutual co-operation is the rapid growth in recent years of
parents' guilds, parent-teacher associations, and similar
organizations. Parents' nights, on which fathers and mothers are
encouraged to visit the school and meet the teachers, are now sponsored
by an increasing number of parishes. At such times, parents can learn
of teachers' problems, and teachers can gain new insights into home
conditions which may affect a child's record at school.

A vast field of parent-teacher co-operation lies open, however. Parents
can do much to relieve nuns and lay teachers of some of their time-
consuming chores, and thus give teachers time for more productive work
with the children. In one parish, for instance, mothers maintain the
school lunchroom and library. In another school, parents take turns
keeping records in the principal's office, enabling one nun to spend
more hours in the classroom. Some parent-teacher groups maintain a car-
pool service. Mothers make themselves available to drive nuns to school
meetings, teacher conferences, medical and dental appointments and the
like. Such services, given cheerfully by parents, help build an
atmosphere of warm co-operation and loyalty to the school which the
child absorbs and reflects in his own conduct.


Don't push your child to the limit. Within the past few decades there
has been a growing acceptance of the fact that children have different
levels of intelligence and different aptitudes. Thus one youngster who
achieves an average of 70 may have worked harder for it than the one
with natural gifts who never goes below go, Carefully designed tests
make it possible to determine with high accuracy whether your child is
mentally quicker than the average, and also--in a general way--what his
potentialities for intellectual advancement actually are. A person with
an intelligence quotient of 100 may be average, for example, but would
lack the intellectual ability to complete a college course. On the
other hand, a youngster with an I.Q. of 140 should be capable of
superior work at school.

As a parent, you naturally should encourage your youngster to do the
best work of which he is capable. For the innately bright child, this
may mean an average of 95; for a child less gifted, it may mean a
passing grade of 70. The latter child should not be expected to perform
as successfully as the former, and it is unjust to hold him up to
ridicule because he does not equal a mark set by one gifted with
superior mental endowment to begin with.

A wise priest once told the story of the elementary school boy who
insisted that his teacher's main job was to "learn him." This was not
bad grammar; it was hard fact. You cannot truly encourage your child to
do his best work unless you truly learn him--unless you know what
standards can reasonably be expected of him. Unfortunately, however,
you may not be the best judge of his ability. Your opinion may be
colored by natural pride and by your lack of opportunity to compare his
work with that of his classmates. Often by consulting his teachers--and
admitting that their objective judgment may be more valid than your
own--you will be able to determine what rate of scholastic progress he
should reasonably make.

Some parents literally drive a child to scholastic success. They berate
him if he fails to achieve the best average in his class, instill an
abnormal spirit of competition, and hold up to scorn his fellow pupils
who are in the lower half scholastically. Sometimes teachers themselves
contribute to this competitiveness by excessively praising the children
with the highest marks and ridiculing the less successful ones. This is
a mistake. For important as scholastic achievement is, it should not be
established as the most important goal. Spiritual and emotional values
should never be sacrificed for scholastic accomplishment. The child who
is lovingly accepted for what he is--whether he be normally bright or
dull--and who is encouraged to achieve in proportion to his ability,
will become a better adjusted citizen than one driven to obtain high
marks by perfectionist parents.

Often a young man or woman, trained in the idea that scholastic
achievement is the ultimate value, discovers with a shock that many of
life's important places are filled by persons whose intellectual
accomplishments may be only about average, but whose qualities of soul
and heart aid them far more in succeeding at their vocations. A good
rule for parents, therefore, is this: Encourage your children to do
their best work scholastically, but don't nag them so as to jeopardize
the development of their whole personality.


How to help your youngster go to college. In the past few years there
has been a growing realization that higher education is virtually a
necessity for professional and business success, a vast increase in
applications to colleges, and a failure of colleges to grow along with
the increased demands. As a result, thousands of high school graduates
now are turned away from college doors every year. In addition,
hundreds of thousands of young persons with an intellectual ability to
do college work fail to realize their potentialities, largely because
they lack a clear understanding of the advantages of college training
and because their parents have not created an environment in which the
desire for higher education is nourished. After examining scholastic
records and interviewing thousands of students, researchers have firmly
established that your attitudes as a parent and the kind of home you
provide may decide whether your child applies for, and is accepted by,
a college. One surprising fact they have uncovered is that money is not
as important for higher education as most people imagine; for instance,
Professor Ralph S. Berdie of the University of Minnesota found, after
examining 25,000 histories, that young men and women with the ability
and desire to go to college usually can do so even if they are poor.
Scholarships, opportunities for part-time employment and long-term
loans are all available to worthy students.

Of course, it helps if you can give financial aid to your youngsters.
But it may be even more helpful if, from his youngest days, you create
an atmosphere which encourages him to develop his mind and cements his
determination to gain a higher education. How can you do this?

By letting him know, from his early days in elementary school, that you
will be happy if he attends. (Researchers have found that 99 per cent
of college students have their parents' approval. Only one in a hundred
reaches college over the outright opposition of his mother and father.)

By maintaining a home free of tension and bickering. (It has been
proved statistically that children of broken marriages, or from homes
where parents do not live together in peace, have a poor chance of
developing study habits which will carry them above the high school
level.)

By taking an active part in church, P.T.A. and community affairs.
(Activities like these will help you meet other conscientious parents
who also will want to give their children maximum educational
opportunities. By discussing your child's development with such
friends, you will also be able to gauge whether he is progressing as
well as he might.)

By providing opportunities for self-education. (Many college students
told interviewers that they were introduced to the public library by
their parents at an early age and were encouraged to form good reading
habits. A child with access to wholesome magazines and newspapers, a
comprehensive reference shelf and other aids to information, has a
splendid opportunity to satisfy his curiosity and develop his
intellect.)

By encouraging him to associate with other boys and girls with college
aspirations. (The desire to keep up with the Joneses is as strong in
youngsters as in adults; if your youngster has as friends only boys and
girls who intend to quit school as soon as they are legally able, his
own educational ambition may be stifled.)

By encouraging him to consider what his vocation may be. (If he has a
clear goal, he can more easily realize how a higher education will help
him achieve it. You can encourage him by discussing the many
opportunities to serve God and man which come to persons with college
training.)

Where your child lives while attending college may depend mainly upon
your financial situation and whether schools are within commuting
distance. Educators generally agree that the typical student acquires
more benefits from college if he lives away from home. By doing so, he
learns to accept full responsibility for his own actions, not only
scholastically but in all phases of his life.

Even if you can afford to pay for your child's education in its
entirety, many authorities believe that he should be required to work
during vacations to meet at least the incidental charges. Since he is
learning to accept new responsibilities in other ways, he also should
assume some of the burden of his own upkeep. A common arrangement is
for parents to make the basic college payments--fees for tuition,
board, books, etc.--while the student himself pays for his clothing and
whatever spending money he may need during the year.


School costs versus "school palaces." Much controversy has developed in
recent years over increasing school costs throughout the nation. The
basic point at issue is whether too much money is being spent on
facilities and activities which have not traditionally been considered
part of a school's function. For instance, in one community a school
has a "dancing room" where youngsters learn the art of ballroom
dancing. Many high schools have smoking rooms for their teen-age
pupils. Others have elaborate gymnasiums and swimming pools which are
the envy of the most heavily endowed colleges, cafeterias with cooking
facilities which most industrial corporations cannot duplicate for
their employees, and parking lots for students' cars which department
stores in the same town cannot provide for their customers.

Catholic parents of children in parochial schools have tended to remain
aloof from the argument over "school palaces." As taxpayers, they have
as much right to discuss the question as have parents of children
attending the schools involved. Moreover, school costs affect not only
taxes which all citizens must pay, but also the contributions Catholics
must make to support their own school system. For Catholic institutions
often are placed in a position where they must duplicate the facilities
provided by public schools in order to attract or maintain their own
enrollments.

Obviously, schoolchildren deserve the best training that the community
can afford. But it is a serious mistake to assume that physical
facilities alone can provide the training of body and mind which the
child requires. It is ironic that often those communities which spend
extravagant sums on buildings keep to a minimum their expenditures for
the most important element in the school system--the teachers who must
mold the characters and minds of the pupils. Persons in these
communities overlook the fundamental truth that where an adequate and
properly trained teaching staff exists, many frills of modern education
can be eliminated without real loss to the child.

A danger of "school palaces" is that they tend to make pupils
dissatisfied with their own home surroundings, which may be drab by
comparison. In addition, by affording almost limitless recreational and
social opportunities, the school usurps the functions of the home and
helps to condition the child to accept the idea of the "super-state"
where the government takes care of its citizens from the cradle to the
grave. In this process, the most precious asset of any civilization--
its stable family life--is gradually undermined. Each time a school
takes over a new function which was previously performed in your home,
your influence over your child is correspondingly weakened.



CHAPTER 6: HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD ABOUT SEX

A QUESTION that disturbs many parents is exactly how to tell their
children about sex. A generation ago the question might have been
whether to tell at all. Now almost everyone recognizes that children
should begin to learn about sex in their early days so that when they
become adults they will have proper spiritual and emotional attitudes
toward this important part of life. Judging by the heavy volume of
their inquiries at Cana Conferences, however, parents remain concerned
about other aspects of sex instruction--when to give it, the atmosphere
in which it should be imparted, and so on.

Much of this uncertainty derives from the tremendous amount of
attention given this subject by psychologists, sociologists, educators
and others in recent years. They have had unprecedented access to
printing presses, radio and television transmitters and other means of
reaching the public. To the extent that they have taught parents to
educate their children about sex, rather than permitting them to learn
the "facts of life" on street corners as was common a generation ago,
they have performed a distinct service. However, they have contributed
all shades of opinion as to how sex instruction should be given. For
instance, many have taken a naturalistic view and have sought to
divorce it from all religious and moral teaching. These secularists
have largely won their way in some public school systems, where
children often are taught about the mechanics of sex without regard to
moral factors which must govern any consideration of the subject.

In view of the many opinions which have been expressed, it is perhaps
understandable that American parents have become confused.

Catholic parents need not be, however, for the Church's position
concerning this area of your child's development is unmistakably clear.
It is based upon her centuries of experience and her unequaled
opportunity to observe where and how sex education best enables
children to acquire the proper reverence for the marriage act and the
discipline of mind and heart that is essential for chastity. You can
gain a clear concept of your obligations and opportunities as a parent,
therefore, if you keep in mind five fundamental principles which have
been confirmed in Christian practice over the centuries.


First, you have a personal obligation to teach your own children about
sex. By God's command you and you alone are the primary educators of
your sons and daughters. Certainly you would be failing Him if you
abdicated responsibility in a matter of such importance. The human
happiness of your own flesh and blood may well be at stake. Some
parents mistakenly believe that their duty to mold and form young minds
extends to all areas of knowledge except sex. This is a short-sighted
view of parenthood. The reason that sex education is your job stems
from the fact that you can give it better than anyone else. No matter
how poor a teacher you think yourself to be, only you know best the
needs of your children, their fears and their stage of development.

If parents shy away from this instruction, it is not because they are
ignorant. This is one matter in which you have complete superiority,
even over the most precocious child. He cannot ask any question that
you cannot answer, which perhaps is more than you can say about your
knowledge of other subjects.

Secondly, your children should be taught sex within the context of
love, not as a thing apart. It is more important that he have proper
attitudes about sex than that he always have precisely correct factual
information. Without uttering a word, you as a couple can exert the
potent force of example to teach a boy or girl how a husband and wife
should act in their everyday relationship. They will learn only from
you that sexual adjustment in marriage is really the result of deep
spiritual and psychological communion. It is the love relationship in
the family that gives the best education for sex training, neither
implying that sex is all-important in life nor conveying the impression
that it is shameful or embarrassing.

Inevitably your children will wish to know how babies are born or why
women differ from men. Whatever you do--if you say nothing, evade the
questions, tell a fable, such as that the stork brings children, if you
elaborate unduly or without regard to wholesome values, or if you speak
truthfully and reverently--you give them attitudes they will carry into
maturity. As a conscientious parent, therefore, you obviously must try,
by word and example, to teach him about life in a way that will best
prepare him for adulthood.

The third important principle is that sex education must be intimately
related to our belief in God and the natural law. A child cannot truly
understand any fact of life unless he first understands that God is the
author of all life. He cannot properly respect the marital act unless
he knows that this was the means chosen by God for the creation of
human life. And he cannot cultivate the virtue of chastity unless he
also learns that by God's law the exercise of the sexual act is
reserved only for persons in the married state. If your child is to
achieve the proper perspective about sex throughout his life,
therefore, he must be reminded continually that sex is God's creation
and must be used only in the way that He has ordained. The child who is
taught that his newborn sister was given to him by God, or that God has
arranged the body of woman in such a way that after marriage she can
become a mother, or that Our Lady and St. Joseph, both of whom were
virgins, were beloved above all others by the Son of God, is always
likely to approach sexual matters with reverence.

The fourth principle is that sex education should be intimate. You are
dealing here with a matter of the utmost importance to the salvation of
your child's soul as well as to his happiness on earth. Details of sex
should not be discussed publicly, but rather treated confidentially
between parent and child. Only in this way can the dignity of sex be
respected and modesty preserved. Moreover, each child reacts
differently when he learns of the fundamental facts about birth and
life. Only by discussing these facts with your child individually can
you observe his reaction and temper your approach to meet his own
needs. Few people who support public sex education mention the
repugnance which some children, particularly girls who are endowed with
natural modesty, feel at the open discussion of sex. But it is a fact.
As many people have been harmed in marriage by brutally disclosed
information as by ignorance.

The fifth principle is that knowledge about sex should be acquired
gradually throughout life. It starts at the cradle, where the child
learns how his mother reacts when he experimentally touches his sex
organs. He learns from what she says--and how she says it--when he asks
her where babies come from. He learns from the way that his parents
prepare him for the coming of puberty; even if they do not prepare him,
he develops an attitude from that fact also. He may gain or lose
reverence for marriage by what his parents teach him about dating and
"going steady." His attitude will be affected by his parents' reaction
to births and marriages within the family circle and by the control
which they exercise over his choice of reading matter, movies and
television programs. Obviously, the old caricature of the father
calling in his son for a ten-minute "man-to-man talk" in which the
father reveals all he knows about sex is completely out of touch with
reality.

Keeping these five principles in mind, you can clearly understand why
you must accept the responsibility for your child's sex instruction. As
the first principle shows, you give this education inevitably, the only
real question is whether you will give it properly or not. You are best
equipped to apply the second and third principles of teaching the
physical facts of life within the framework of God's law. You can best
provide the intimate environment in which this education should be
given. And, since you are your child's permanent custodian, you are
also in the best position to give him the information and attitudes he
should have at various stages of his development. No other individual
or agency can apply the five basic principles for instruction about sex
as readily and as completely as you.

In fulfilling this responsibility to your children, you should be
guided by the words of Pope Pius XII, spoken to a group of Christian
mothers in 1941:

"If imparted by the lips of Christian parents, at the proper time, in
the proper measure and with proper precautions, the revelation of the
mysterious and marvelous laws of life will be received by them (the
children) with reverence and gratitude, and will enlighten their minds
with far less danger than if they learned them haphazard from some
unpleasant shock, from secret conversations, through information
received from oversophisticated companions, or from clandestine
reading, the more dangerous and pernicious as secrecy inflames the
imagination and troubles the senses. Your words, if they are wise and
discreet, will prove a safeguard and a warning in the midst of the
temptations and the corruption which surround them, 'because foreseen
an arrow comes slowly.' ...With the discretion of a mother and a
teacher, and thanks to the open-hearted confidence with which you have
been able to inspire your children, you will not fail to watch for and
to discern the moment in which unspoken questions have occurred to
their minds and are troubling their senses. It will then be your duty
to your daughters, the father's duty to your sons, carefully and
delicately to unveil the truth as far as it appears necessary, to give
a prudent, true and Christian answer to those questions and set their
minds at rest."

It is a good rule of thumb that fathers instruct the boys and mothers
the girls. However, whoever is asked the questions, should give the
answers. And prior to the marriage of one of their children, there are
many advantages in a mutual discussion of the subject between the child
and both parents.


When parents "can't talk about sex." Some parents may find it difficult
to discuss matters of sex with their children. Having been reared where
such subjects are not mentioned by "nice people," they may tend to
maintain this characteristic of secrecy with their children. If you are
one of those, reflect that your present attitude probably results
directly from the way sex was regarded in your parents' home. If you
also treat it in a hush-hush manner, your children may do likewise with
their youngsters, and the process of inculcating in the young the idea
that sex is always shameful and sinful will continue indefinitely.

Moreover, even if the duty is painful it remains a duty. Just as you
would consider it your obligation to teach your child how to behave in
the presence of guests, or how to eat at table, so too it is your duty
to instruct him about sex. If parents failed to teach their children
good manners, you would say that they were shirking their obligation.
How much more important is it that they not shirk the job of
instructing their young ones in the beautiful mysteries of life.

If you are extremely modest by nature, you will develop your ability to
discuss sex by answering your child's first questions as easily and
casually as possible. Creating an atmosphere which lets him know that
he can discuss this subject with you is often the most difficult hurdle
of all. Once you get over it, you will develop the confidence to
respond in a similarly calm way to questions that follow. Having
achieved a rapport with him, you will find yourself able to answer even
his most pointed questions with truth and dignity.

If parents are unable to provide direct sex instruction to their
children, they should seek a substitute who most closely complies with
the principles outlined above. For example, the mother of a fatherless
adolescent boy is not qualified to instruct him concerning the physical
development of his sex and the intimate problems of male chastity. She
might ask a male relative--the boy's uncle, for example--to do so. A
priest or a teaching brother is well qualified to instruct the boy, and
a nun to instruct a girl: their teaching will strongly emphasize the
importance of religious discipline, and it will take place in an
atmosphere that upholds the dignity of the subject matter. The sex
instruction commonly provided in public schools conforms to none--or at
best, one--of the five principles which should be observed.


Early sex experimentation. Since our feelings about sex are intimately
related to our attitudes on other subjects--our love and fear of God,
our reverence for our body, our recognition of the necessary functions
of our organs and the relationship that exists between men and women--
your child begins to form attitudes about sex as soon as he becomes
aware of his surroundings. If you react in a matter-of-fact way to his
early exploration of his genitals--an act of exploration which is
necessary for him to discover what his body consists of--you will avoid
the common error of calling his attention to his sex organs from his
first days and of making him unduly conscious of them.

Bowel and bladder training should also be carried out in a casual,
unemotional way. Dr. Odenwald states that a normal child cannot control
bowels and bladder before two or three years of age. For this reason,
he states, parents should use gentleness, understanding and kindness,
so that the child always feels that his elimination is a normal
physiological act. "It is important to note the close association of
the generative organs and the organs of elimination," he states. "This
close association is not only anatomical and physiological but also
psychological. Experience with mental patients gives sufficient
evidence that patients who have trouble arising from toilet training
also have trouble with sex."

Teach your children to use the correct words for their sex organs at
the very beginning. You would not use a special, babyish word to
describe your child's fingers, his nose or his heart. If you use
childish words for the boy's penis or the girl's vulva, you create an
impression that the correct words carry a shameful connotation. Of
course, the entire sense of shame is in the adult. To the child, one
word is the same as another. But many persons who did not know the
correct names for their organs until they reached the age of ten or
twelve are too embarrassed as adults to use those names even in
instructing their own children.

As your child reaches the crawling and walking stages, you should treat
any matters relating to his private organs in the same way that you
would treat matters concerning his hands or feet. He will accept the
fact that he must normally keep his sex organs covered, just as he
accepts the fact that food is eaten from a plate, and that fathers wear
trousers and mothers wear dresses.


How to answer your child's questions. Parents with the good sense to
avoid making their child unduly conscious of his genitals sometimes do
not know how to begin instructing him about the facts of life. The
advice upon which most experts now agree is that you should not
initiate the discussion. Instead, you should wait for him to ask the
questions, and then answer them truthfully and within the limits of his
understanding. Almost all children ask similar questions at similar
stages of their development. Therefore, you can anticipate what
questions must next be expected and learn the proper answers.

A basic principle to remember, however, is that inculcation of proper
attitudes is more important to your child's proper understanding than
is the mere recitation of facts. You want him to feel that sex is a
beautiful means conceived by God to propagate the human race and to
enable husbands and wives to express their love for each other. If you
yourself stand in awe before the beauty of the marital act and the
reproductive process, you will be able to give the same reverence and
wonderment to your child. When you hold such an attitude, instructing
him becomes an opportunity to impart a sense of the love and wisdom of
God.

The practical value of stressing the fact that God is the author of the
sexual union will become apparent during his adolescence and for the
rest of his life. When he firmly understands that God made the act for
use only within marriage, he will have the moral support he will need
to resist the inevitable temptations he must face. The child who learns
about sex without the necessary religious education to accompany it may
reach adolescence merely believing that use of the sexual function
before marriage is not customary or "nice." Such a naturalistic belief
often falls before the first surge of passion.

At about the age of three or four, most children ask their mothers
where they came from. They ask with the same innocent curiosity they
might use in asking where the picture in the television set comes from.
You would not reply to that question with an elaborate explanation of
the marvels of the electronic age. Rather, you might say that it is
sent through the air by a broadcasting station and received by the set.
Similarly, the answer, "from the mother's body," satisfies the normal
small child when he inquires about his birth.

If you answer your child's question calmly and confidently, he may be
satisfied temporarily. Before long, however, he may ask how the baby
grows in the mother's body and how it emerges. In order to develop an
understanding of the proper relationship between God and the act of
procreation, it is wise at this and succeeding stages to include
references to the Divine plan in your answers.

You might explain to him that God devised a way to insure that babies
would be safe and warm, protected by their mother's body, until they
were strong enough to live outside. You might call his attention to the
way mothers carry newborn babies--close to their hearts, protecting
them with both hands and arms. You might explain that God devised a
protective means like this to make sure that the baby received warmth
and shelter within the mother's body.

Your child may not raise the subject again for months or years. At
about five or six years, however, he may become more interested in
pregnancy and birth, and may wish to know how long the baby remains
inside the mother's body. Like the questions that usually precede it,
this one is not directly related to the sexual act but to a biological
fact. It is as harmless as his question as to why he has teeth or what
happens to his food after he eats it.

At about the age of six or seven, he may wonder how the baby was placed
in his mother. You might answer that God gives fathers a way by which
they deposit seeds in the mother's body. You should not go beyond this.
Sometimes precocious children sense that a mother is embarrassed over
this question and ask others to upset her rather than to elicit
information. At this age--or any other in which your child asks for
information he should not have--you might quietly state that it is not
proper for him to know the answer now and that he will receive it
later. This is the natural response you would give to other improper
questions--to his inquiries about how much money the father earns each
week, for example, and similar queries of a personal nature.

At any age you may be called upon to restate simple truths that you
thought the child already knew. Children forget, or at least seek new
insight into old words. The child who is most glib in his use of
terminology may be most innocent about the meaning of those terms.


Overcoming "street corner" knowledge. Your child will not need to know
additional details of the reproductive process until he reaches pre-
adolescence. But he may often ask questions you thought you had
answered completely many times before. He may have forgotten what you
told him; more commonly, however, he has acquired some information from
playmates which may not coincide with the story of birth as he has
learned it from you. When youngsters repeat basic questions, a wise
parent will use the opportunity to cite the importance of relying on
information received at home and not upon that which other children
mention in the streets.

There is no reason to become alarmed if your child reports having
conversations about the basic facts of life with others of his age.
Such conversations are entirely normal. If you have encouraged him to
ask you about this subject and have answered frankly, with reverence
and without embarrassment, he will probably report his street-corner
discussions to you.

The time to become concerned is when he no longer asks about sex or
shows an evident distaste when the subject is introduced. He probably
has heard something from his playmates which has shocked him, and
perhaps even left him ashamed of the manner of his own conception. If
he appears ashamed, he should be told that the marriage act cannot be
shameful when viewed as God intended, for it is the beautiful means by
which life was given to all mankind, including the saints and the
Blessed Mother herself.

When your child is aged seven to ten, you have an unequaled opportunity
to reinforce his knowledge by calling his attention to the references
to birth in our daily prayers and in the Bible. In this way, you can
emphasize the close relationship between Almighty God and the
reproductive act. For example, you can discuss the "Hail, Mary" and
explain the phrase, "the fruit of thy womb," by pointing out that the
womb is the nest in which a mother carries her infant before his birth.
The account of Mary's visitation to Elizabeth can be used to explain
childbearing. Stories of Christmas can provide the framework for a
discussion of how Jesus was born as well as how all babies are
delivered from their mother's womb.


Preparing your child for puberty. While it is usually wise to wait
until your child asks about sex before you volunteer information, you
should take the initiative in preparing for puberty. At about the age
of twelve, girls begin to menstruate. Unless they have been told what
to expect, the first flow of blood may cause severe shock. You should
make your daughter proud of these physical changes when they come, for
she is taking an important step toward womanhood. Considerably before
the first menstruation is expected, explain the exact significance of
the process. She should know that God has planned her body so that
blood is stored each month, ready to carry food to a baby if a new life
should begin, and that the blood is discharged after a certain period
if no baby has been conceived. Here, too, the emphasis should be on the
Divine plan. It should be pointed out that God has forbidden the use of
the organs to anyone who is not married.

Mothers must avoid indicating that there is anything terrible or
shameful about this biological function. Nor should they stress the
pain and sense of depression which some women feel on the days before
menstruation. They might calmly explain that while such symptoms
sometimes exist, medical science has appropriate drugs to ease them.

Boys attain puberty at about thirteen years. Well before this time,
their fathers should tell them that they will soon release semen in
their sleep--a manifestation that they are arriving at manhood. Of
course, they are not morally responsible for these natural emissions,
even if dreams of an exciting nature accompany them. A boy should be
advised, however, that he should neither assist nor prevent the
discharge of seed.

Moral teaching regarding the touching of his penis in order to obtain
pleasure should be explained. Regardless of the means used, any
deliberate effort to induce a discharge is a serious sin. However, it
is often necessary to clean the penis, and on such occasions no sin is
involved if some unintended pleasure results. Any prolonged handling of
the organ beyond the time necessary for reasons of health and
cleanliness is sinful. Fathers should advise their youngsters of the
importance of habits of chaste thought to overcome temptations to
commit solitary sins of thought or act.

In instructing your pre-adolescent son, you might make use of one or
more of the excellent pamphlets written to supplement your teachings
and to give him a spiritual insight into the opportunities, challenges
and temptations of his approaching manhood. Such publications may be
found in the pamphlet rack in the back of your church or in Catholic
bookstores. You should read each pamphlet before giving it to your
child, both to familiarize yourself with the contents in order to
answer questions based on his reading, and to make certain that it
suits his particular needs.

When boys and girls reach puberty, parents should advise them that
contacts with the opposite sex might lead to sin. The emotional and
physical reaction of males and females differ greatly. A boy has an
intense physical drive, and kissing or other contacts may set up a
fierce desire for sexual relief; with a girl, on the other hand, a kiss
may merely express her companionship. A girl who does not know that a
boy may be deeply stimulated by her kissing may make it difficult for
him to keep his thoughts pure. Boys should be taught to respect girls
because they are God's chosen vessels for the creation of new human
lives and should not be despoiled in any way. Boys who learn to respect
womanhood in their childhood will translate this training into respect
for the girls they know.

Also make sure that your daughter understands the importance of modesty
in dress. It is apparent that many girls do not realize what a source
of temptation they really are when they dress in an unbecoming way and
reveal parts of their body which arouse impure suggestions in boys'
minds. Short skirts, low necklines, dresses that reveal every curve,
sweaters that are too tight, artificial bosoms--all are age-old devices
to stimulate male passion. A girl who resorts to them may cause great
harm not only to boys but to herself. Many a young miss, heavily rouged
and painted and wearing the most provocative styles, cannot understand
why boys seem interested only in her physical attraction and not in her
as a person. Her way of dressing advertises her to the world as one who
seeks this kind of attention.

Some mothers object to giving their daughters information about the
different natures of men and women, because they fear that the girls
will lose their innocence thereby. This is an error, for ignorance and
innocence are separate things. When the angel appeared to the Blessed
Virgin to reveal that she was to give birth to the Messiah, she
indicated knowledge of the ordinary facts of life by asking how this
could be so, for "I know not man." Her knowledge did not prevent Mary
from being the most innocent of humans. Giving your daughter such
information will, in fact, protect her innocence. She will be guided by
her knowledge to avoid situations which might be occasions of sin. In
this vital matter, it is better for parents to instruct a year too soon
rather than a minute too late.

Dating, "going steady" and moral aspects of courtship are discussed in
detail in the chapter, "Preparing Your Child for Marriage."



CHAPTER 7: WHAT OUTSIDE INFLUENCES CAN DO TO YOUR CHILD

THE kind of adult your child will become will depend upon his heredity
and upon three environmental factors: the influence you exert over him
at home, the influence of church and school, and finally the influences
of the society in which he lives--the television programs and movies he
views, radio programs he hears, books he reads, and companions with
whom he associates.

It is true that you, as his parent, will influence him the most. But it
is a serious mistake to believe that he can be exposed to bad
influences without the danger of being corrupted by them. The Church
has long recognized that even the best home training for a truly
Christian life can be counteracted by other influences which oppose
parental teaching and example. It is precisely for that reason that she
has insisted, wherever possible, that children attend schools which
teach principles of godly living. It is also for this reason that she
firmly urges parents to watch constantly over external influences to
which their children are subjected.

These outside pressures are probably more pernicious today than at any
time in Christianity's history. Almost everywhere established standards
are under attack. Note the trend toward secularism which seeks to
remove God's influence from the everyday lives of the people. This
trend prevents the reciting of prayers to the Almighty in many public
schools and in many public meetings and is responsible for the shocking
divorce rate and widespread practice of birth control. As a result of
the secularist trend, almost half of the adults in the United States
hold no church affiliation at all, and millions of others who claim to
be Catholics, Protestants or Jews make no visible effort to apply God's
teachings in their everyday affairs. Evidence of this movement away
from God is apparent also in the growing materialism of American life.
This materialism leads persons to believe that success lies not in the
development of the interior spirit but rather in the attainment of
things--bigger motor cars, larger homes, more efficient appliances and
the like.

A second destructive trend is that toward socialism. It is reflected in
efforts to remove the home as the center of influence in a child's life
and to substitute the school or other state-supported organization.
Because of the state's growing tentacles, for example, we see the
pronounced campaign to educate youngsters about sex in the classroom
instead of in the privacy of their homes.

Finally, the attack on established standards is nowhere more evident
than in the flagrant obsession with sex. In modern America, sex
stimulation is unending. Almost everywhere there are lurid photographs,
provocative songs, enticing scenes in films, and the glorification of
sexy women in popular newspapers and magazines. This flood of sex is
not something which puritans alone are aware of; it strikes the eye of
almost every observant foreign visitor. For as Pitirim A. Sorokin, the
famous Harvard sociologist, pointed out in his book "The American Sex
Revolution," every aspect of our culture is literally packed with this
obsession.

"Its vast totality bombards us continually, from cradle to grave, from
all points of our living space, at almost every step of our activities,
feeling and thinking," Dr. Sorokin wrote. "If we escape from being
stirred by obscene literature, we may be aroused by the crooners, or by
the new psychology and sociology, or by the teachings of the
Freudianized pseudo-religions, or by radio-television entertainment. We
are completely surrounded by the rising tide of sex in every
compartment of our culture, every section of our social life."

These influences--of secularism, socialism and sex--strike at our
fundamental religious beliefs and actions. They are insidious poisons,
and unless you control their intake with the utmost care they may
corrupt the minds and hearts of your children. They exist in almost
every area of public communication. They can be found on television, in
movies, in books and magazines.

It is an error to assume, however, that those media are, in themselves,
dangerous. As the late Pope Pius XII pointed out on many occasions, all
instruments of communication can be marvelous forces for good. They can
be used to uplift minds and hearts and to intensify our devotion to the
Almighty and our spiritual growth. Much that your youngster might
encounter in these media may be harmful or merely tasteless and--at
least in a moral sense--neutral. Much, however, will also help him to
gain a mature understanding of the world and a greater insight into
idealistic achievements of which he may be capable. Therefore do not
condemn movies, or television, or books out of hand. Rather, exercise a
diligent watch over them. Encourage your child to seek out what is good
and helpful on the spiritual, emotional and intellectual levels, and
restrain him from the bad. In this necessary function as guardian of
your child's development, use the guidance of professionals and their
listings of movies, plays, books, etc., which are suitable for children
of different ages Ways in which you can exercise a wise control over
major outside influences are described briefly below.


Television. This has unquestionably become the major source of
entertainment for Americans. Its impact upon our culture within a few
years has been truly phenomenal. When it was first available to the
public in the late 1940s, many persons believed that it would be a
passing fad. This belief has not been proved in practice. In 1950,
according to reliable research by the broadcasting industry, average
elementary school pupils watched television about 21 hours a week.
Today, the average pupil spends 20 hours, or about three hours per day.
Thus there has been only a slight decline in viewing. About 97 per cent
of elementary school children in areas where broadcasts can be received
have access to a television set.

At the beginning of the "television age," many schoolteachers expressed
horror over what TV would do to our culture. They foresaw the day when
children would never read a book, listen to good music or pursue other
worth-while intellectual hobbies. Their fears apparently have also been
somewhat dissipated. Modern teachers do not decry the influence of
television as much as did those of a decade ago, although surveys have
established that children who watch the most do poorer school work than
those whose viewing during the school week is limited.

From a moral point of view, blanket criticism of television programming
seems unjustified. Most offerings do not offend religious
sensibilities, nor do they become involved in discussions on religious
or spiritual matters. Sometimes, however, ancient motion pictures are
presented with themes harmful to impressionable minds. Some of these
films were among those that forced the inception of the Legion of
Decency in 1933, and their costuming, situations and dialogue are
objectionable.

Most criticisms of television are based upon its taste, which is often
questionable. Many programs appeal to the lowest common denominator and
have little apparent intellectual or cultural value. They add nothing
to the child's development. In fact, the constant diet of killing and
fighting afforded by Western and crime programs have a bad effect.
Moreover, they take time which he might use for more constructive
purposes--reading a good book, visiting a museum, developing his body
in sports activities outdoors.

Instead of deploring the quality of TV programs, Catholic parents in
many places have formed committees to review shows and to encourage the
viewing of those which contribute to a child's spiritual, emotional,
intellectual or cultural growth. There are many such programs.
Performances of world-famous musicians, orchestras and dance troupes,
re-enactments of great literary classics, discussion programs in which
public figures participate, and special events--the coronation of a
pope, a national election convention, the inauguration of a president--
all contribute to your child's understanding of the world.

Operators of television stations in the United States are granted
licenses by the Federal Communications Commission, and this agency has
the power to withdraw a permit if a station fails to serve the public
interest. Station owners, therefore, are sensitively alert to viewers'
reactions. The huge corporations which sponsor most TV programs also
want to provide material which at least does not offend large numbers
of the population and which preferably meets with a favorable
reception. You can influence the type of television programming
available for your child, therefore, if you express your reactions to
programs to these representatives of the television industry. Human
beings tend to be critical more often than complimentary, but if you
write letters praising advertisers and television station operators for
their uplifting programs as diligently as you might condemn unsuitable
offerings, you may be agreeably surprised to discover how great an
effect your letters will have upon future shows.


Motion pictures. Since the coming of television, the American motion
picture industry has undergone drastic and, to some extent, undesirable
changes in its idea of what constitutes acceptable entertainment. It is
no secret that producers' revenues have declined generally and that
thousands of theaters are closing each year. In desperation, some
producers have lowered their moral standards and emphasized lurid sex
themes to try to attract customers. This fact is acknowledged even by
spokesmen for the industry.

For example, the trade publication "Variety" recently made this
comment: "Like any business fighting for survival, the film industry is
making its pitch either to the very specialized audience, i.e., the
teenagers, or else to the lowest common denominator among its patrons.
That means an exaggeration in theme and substance, a heightened sense
of the 'come-on,' a quite deliberate attempt to titillate, to shock, to
astound, an extension of that trait normally known as 'showmanship.'"

Much of the ordinary product shown at theaters is unsuitable for
children because of its emphasis on sensational themes, or is in poor
taste artistically. On the other hand, Hollywood probably now
distributes more films of superior artistic, spiritual and literary
merit than ever before. These productions, often in the "spectacular"
category, represent an attempt of the more responsible producers to
cope with competition from television. They make use of all the modern
advances of color, sound and literary imagination.

In view of the pronounced two-sided nature of present-day films, your
need to consult Legion of Decency listings is greater than ever before.
As a parent, you have the moral obligation to deny your support to
individuals or establishments which do moral harm to a large proportion
of the population. In the words of Pope Pius XI, "Bad motion pictures
are occasions of sin: They seduce young people along the ways of evil
by glorifying passion; they show life under a false light; they cloud
ideals; they destroy pure love, respect for marriage and affection for
the family. They are capable also of creating prejudices among
individuals, and misunderstandings among nations, among social classes
and among entire races."

Since movies can have such a pronounced effect upon the emotions and
minds of viewers, young and old, it is a mistake to stumble into a
theater without carefully determining in advance whether its film will
be harmful. You can readily learn what qualified critics think of the
movie in question by consulting Legion of Decency listings, which are
probably published in your diocesan newspaper or posted in the
vestibule of your church; by scrutinizing advertisements of the film,
for if it has a sexual aspect the ads almost certainly will stress it;
by reading reviews in your community newspaper and in Catholic
newspapers and magazines; and by asking the opinion of other parents
who may have seen it. If the film appears in the condemned category of
the Legion of Decency, you are morally obliged to prevent your child
from seeing it and to avoid it yourself. On the other hand, producers
of films of high artistic and moral quality deserve your enthusiastic
support. Don't just refrain from patronizing bad movies. You will
achieve more constructive results if you support worth-while films and
encourage other parents to do so. Producers governed by the dollars-
and-cents response of the marketplace will then realize that they can
gain more from wholesome movies than from bad ones.


Radio. Radio programs now consist primarily of music interspersed with
news. The radio industry also is two-sided. On the one hand, quality
stations broadcast a heavy diet of symphonies, concertos, sonatas and
other works by the world's greatest composers as performed by
outstanding musicians. Obviously, these programs are highly
praiseworthy. By encouraging your children to listen to them, you can
inculcate a love of good music which will delight and inspire them the
rest of their lives. On the other hand, many stations broadcast little
except the latest popular records presented in whichever eccentric way
happens to appeal to youngsters at the moment. It has been estimated
that there are now more than 2,300 "disc jockeys" in the United States-
-virtually all of whom cater to teen-agers. The lyrics of many of the
songs they play are unspeakably suggestive, and many involve illicit
sex relations. One wonders why such songs are permitted, especially
since the licenses of these radio stations can be revoked if the
stations are not operated in the public interest. The only logical
explanation for the fact that some stations exploit sex from morning
till night is that parents pay no attention to the lyrics being heard
or sung by their youngsters. If you closely heeded the meanings of some
modern songs, you would not wait to call the station owner to account.


The printed word. Of all the means of communication to which your child
is exposed, books and magazines probably offer the greatest
potentialities to develop and ennoble his mind and heart--as well as
the greatest hazard to his spiritual growth. Unlike television programs
and motion pictures, books and magazines need not reach mass audiences
to be profitable; and whereas film and TV producers often must tone
down their productions to avoid offending large sections of the
population, publishers often can make a profit by appealing to a small
fraction of the public. Thus, a typical movie that did not reach
millions would be a financial failure; a book or magazine with a sale
of 100,000 copies might be an outstanding success.

If you doubt that the awesome power of the press is being exploited by
some publishers, spend several minutes investigating the covers and
contents of publications displayed by your local magazine dealers. You
will probably find dozens, if not hundreds, of publications
deliberately designed to incite sexual passion. They are to the soul of
a young person as poison is to his body. Even so-called respectable
magazines often offend shockingly. One such publication, for example,
recently published an article advocating masturbation. Others accept--
if they do not openly promote--the practice of artificial birth
control, divorce, and other procedures directly contradictory to moral
law.

Do not underestimate the harm that obscene reading matter can do. The
person who reads much of it surely--perhaps without being aware of it--
acquires the standards he finds there. It is no exaggeration to say
that many crimes and sins are first conceived by the young mind as it
experiences the secret thrill of seeing crime and sin glorified on the
printed page. No less an authority than J. Edgar Hoover, head of the
Federal Bureau of Investigation, has stated that "filthy literature is
casting criminals faster than the prisons can absorb them."

When books and magazines are not instruments of direct temptation to
impressionable youngsters, they may often be objectionable on the
grounds of taste. Large numbers of comic books, the favorite reading
matter of pre-adolescents, fall into this category. They seemingly
accept brutality and torture as a way of life, and their literary
standards are the despair of teachers trying to instill principles of
good grammar and proper speech in the minds of youngsters.

You are completely within your rights in voicing your objections to the
store owner who displays lascivious magazines and books and makes such
reading matter available to young purchasers. The merchant who displays
these periodicals may not even be aware of the tremendous harm that
they can do, and when you call the situation to his attention, he may
eagerly co-operate by removing them from view.

As a conscientious parent, you should also inform yourself of the kind
of books chosen by your local library and made available for public
consumption. In our society, with its various creeds and differing
shades of belief, it must be expected that libraries will select books
which do not necessarily appeal to all groups. Nevertheless, some books
openly attack established institutions and defy our established
standards, and taxpayers may rightly protest the use of public funds to
support viewpoints which seek to tear down the fabric of our society.

You do less than half a job, however, when you criticize bad reading
matter and fail to support writers, editors and publishers who
encourage the ideals, stimulate the mind and spark the imagination of
your children. For the ability of books to corrupt is exceeded by their
ability to inspire. You can find inexpensive paperback reprints of the
greatest classics of English literature. There are innumerable
reputable periodicals which do an excellent job of entertaining,
amusing, and helping you to live better. Your bookshop has countless
volumes which can enrich your child's life. Your public library has
many more books which uphold all the ideals of Christian virtue and
encourage young people
to lead lives of courage and heroism. You should encourage your
youngster to choose the good.


Companions. The older your child becomes, the more he will be
influenced by the youngsters he chooses as playmates and those with
whom he comes into contact. By the time he reaches adolescence, it will
seem to you that he values his friends' opinions more than he cares for
yours, those of his teachers, and sometimes even of your pastor.

Teen-agers themselves regard their companions as the worst possible
influence on their lives. A survey of young people by Eugene Gilbert,
as reported by the Associated Press, revealed that 76 per cent of the
boys voted that companions were the worst influences on their lives,
and 64 per cent of the girls voted similarly. These youngsters were
replying to this poll at a time in their lives when they lacked the
experience to measure the influences of their home, church, and school.
Yet at this particular time of life, there can be no doubt that the
influence of companions may be of first importance. Some youngsters
replying to the survey said that today's teen-agers are afraid of being
thought spineless if they refuse to go along with the crowd. If you
notice high school students in a group, observe how they dress alike,
walk alike, cultivate the same tastes and interests. Most will do
anything necessary to win acceptance.

In view of the intense desire of most youngsters to be "in with the
group," it follows that group standards exert a tremendous influence
over their behavior. Groups of adolescents range from members of street
gangs who consider it smart to get into trouble with the police, up to
groups of intelligent, clean-cut boys and girls who can clearly see
that successful living lies in conforming to the laws of God and
society. Neither an adult nor a youngster needs much discernment to
decide in what category any given youth will fall.

Obviously, you want your child to associate with others who will exert
a good moral influence upon him. You can help by creating an
environment which enables him to meet more of the higher type than the
lower. One way to do this is to choose a school where high standards of
conduct are demanded. Of course, many non-Catholic pupils of high moral
standards attend public institutions; nevertheless it is obvious that
in the Catholic school your youngster is less likely to meet students
who are not a good influence.

Even in what seems to be the best environment, however, do not
relinquish your interest in your child's companions. You should get to
know his friends and should try to determine whether they exert a good
or bad influence. Obviously, no child is perfect and it will be
impossible for yours to find associates who are sterling characters in
all respects. Do not expect too much of them, therefore. But if there
is any indication that they are a bad moral force and are encouraging
your child to sin, you should prevent the friendship from proceeding
further.

You can easily forbid young children to play with certain boys or
girls. It is more difficult to do so with teen-agers. An adolescent is
usually intensely loyal to his friends, and your criticism of those you
consider undesirable may cause him to defend them out of loyalty.
Instead of separating your child from his undesirable companion,
therefore, you may bring them closer together. This applies to
friendship between members of the opposite sex as well as to
friendships between members of the same sex. Moreover, your child may
see valuable qualities in other youngsters which you do not see. When
you have clear evidence that his friends are a bad influence, you
probably could achieve better results with an adolescent by appealing
to his sense of idealism and his concepts of right and wrong. As a last
resort, it may be necessary to change his environment. For example,
transferring him to another school will introduce him to new friends
and weaken his bonds with the old ones.

Ever since the early days of the Church, theologians have studied what
are the responsibilities of one person toward another who leads a
sinful life. This question may arise anew when a boy or girl is
attracted by feelings of sympathy to another youngster who exerts an
undesirable influence. Is a girl or boy morally justified in
maintaining the friendship to try to reform one with sinful tendencies?
The answer would seem to be that if the undesirable youngster belongs
to a group in which the majority are of good moral caliber, it would be
wrong to deny him the opportunity to improve. On the other hand, one
good youngster in a group of undesirable boys would have little chance
to reform them. Instead, he would probably become corrupted. A boy or
girl should associate with one with evil tendencies, therefore, only
when the likelihood is very great that good influences will prevail.


Community influences. Community recreation centers, boys' clubs,
dancing schools, teenage canteens and similar organizations all have
some effect upon your child's development. The effect may be good or
evil. If the clubs are operated by adults with Christian ideals, they
perform a worth-while service in introducing children to wholesome
recreation. If they are not properly supervised or if their membership
consists mainly of undesirable types, they can be a real source of
evil. Before allowing your youngster to join organizations of this
kind, you should find out who the sponsors are, what kind of boys and
girls attend, and whether there will be chaperons. Teen-agers do not
like to feel that they are not trusted, but they also recognize the
need of adult supervision. Parents often can improve the influence that
such organizations exert on the community by taking an active part in
their activities.


Some general principles. In protecting your child from unsuitable
community influences or from bad television shows, movies, radio
programs, reading matter or bad companions, do not adopt the posture of
the stern policeman. Rather, try to anticipate possible problems before
they arise. Discuss them reasonably with your youngster, emphasizing
your loving concern for his welfare. For instance, if an undesirable
motion picture is coming to your community, you can convince your
youngster that he should not see it if you discuss its bad qualities
before the question of his actual attendance is raised. Similarly, you
can emphasize the harm in reading salacious magazines before he reaches
the teen years when he might be tempted to buy one. Some magazines and
many local newspapers publish previews of forthcoming television
programs, enabling you to choose in advance the most desirable ones for
the children to see. If you take advantage of this opportunity to pre-
select your child's TV viewing, you can help make this medium a good
influence upon him.

To protect your youngster from evil forces outside the home will
require much patience and application. There are so many sources of
possible moral harm that you will have to be constantly alert. Your
constant concern will be reflected, however, in your child's wholesome
development. Eternal vigilance is the price of sanctity.



CHAPTER 8: THE CHILD WHO IS "EXCEPTIONAL"

IN HIS wisdom, and for reasons which human beings often do not
understand, God may give parents a child unlike other children in some
important area of body or mind. Such a child is said to be exceptional.
He offers special challenges to parents. Sometimes they must develop
patience, understanding and trust in Divine Providence in order to
enable him to overcome his handicaps and to live with sanctity,
security and happiness.

One child in ten in the United States is exceptional. About one per
cent of the population are thought to be seriously retarded mentally.
Even as adults they will be unable to concentrate on any but the
simplest directions. Reading even two-syllable words will be a
difficult chore. They will be unable to keep their mind on any subject
for more than a few minutes. Another two per cent are also retarded,
but to a lesser degree. While they can learn to sweep a room, wash
dishes or dig a trench, they too must be protected from normal problems
of adult life in which use of the intellect is required. The additional
seven per cent of the total population suffer defects which will
handicap them in some important way. Such defects may be epilepsy,
cerebral palsy, serious physical disfigurement or crippled bodily
organs. Persons may be born with these handicaps or may acquire them as
a result of accidents or diseases like polio. But regardless of the
cause or nature of his condition, the affected child may suffer a
lasting impairment of personality unless his parents train him to
accept his condition without bitterness and to build a successful life
despite it.

Faced with the challenge of an exceptional child, parents must first
accept the fact that God has chosen, for His own reasons, to give them
this obligation. It is a cross which should be borne bravely and
accepted as a means by which they and their child can develop the
spiritual qualities of patience, fortitude and faith in Divine
Providence. Secondly, they should follow a constructive program to make
the handicap more bearable for both the child and themselves. Great
strides have been made in recent years in caring for the handicapped
and in developing ways to help them use their resources to the fullest
possible extent. Dramatic improvements now are possible which were
considered beyond hope a short time ago. Parents of a handicapped child
thus may look to the future with faith and courage.


The mentally retarded. It was formerly assumed that four retarded
children in five inherited their condition. More precise studies have
convinced most scientists, however, that about half the cases result
from influences after the child is conceived. For example, mothers who
contract German measles during pregnancy give birth to a larger
percentage of retarded children than the average. Some types of
retardation are thought to result from a malfunctioning of the mother's
pituitary or thyroid glands. Long and difficult labor resulting in
damage to brain tissues, accidents shortly after birth, and diseases in
early infancy may also cause the condition.

In extreme cases, a doctor may suspect retardation when he sees the
child shortly after birth. Usually, however, indications will not be
manifest until the child is about six months old. As a result of
measurements made upon thousands of children, doctors can predict when
an average infant will take an interest in events around him, when he
will begin to grasp objects, and when he will try to sit up, crawl and
develop his muscular ability in other ways. They can observe how his
nervous system reacts to certain stimuli, and can make other tests to
indicate whether his development falls within a normal range. Lesser
mental weakness generally cannot be verified until at least one or two
years after birth. Serious physical or neurological defects generally
are apparent by the third year, but sometimes the fact that the child
is below normal does not become truly evident until he enters school
and is compared with others of his age.

Since many cases of retardation can be helped if detected early, every
child should be examined by a physician frequently during his preschool
years. Of course these examinations should not be for the purpose of
detecting mental defects, since proportionately few children are so
afflicted; rather, they should be general physical checkups, during
which the doctor will observe abnormalities if they exist.

Science has made considerable progress in enabling retarded children to
achieve some measure of self-reliance. Not long ago it was generally
believed that they could not be given any training that would enable
them to live outside of institutions. Now we know, however, that four
out of five can be taught to read, write, add and subtract, and to make
simple decisions governing their own affairs. Most will need guidance
in choosing a vocation, but once they get appropriate jobs, they can
perform them satisfactorily. They may often be highly desirable
employees, in fact, because they happily do work which brighter persons
would find boring. Another 14 per cent--about one in seven--are
considered incapable of learning basic elementary school subjects, but
can be trained to perform simple tasks--serving as porters in a factory
or housemaids--and can at least partially support themselves. However,
they will always need others to guide them in their everyday affairs.

Treatment and training of a mentally retarded child should start as
soon as his condition is recognized. Many federal, state and local
programs have been developed to aid in such treatment. If your child is
retarded, your doctor can advise you of facilities available in your
community.

You may be required to decide, while your child is still an infant,
whether he might better be cared for in an institution or at home. Your
conclusion should probably be based on what progress he may reasonably
be expected to make. If competent doctors believe that he can be
trained to achieve even a small measure of independence as an adult,
and if facilities for this training are available nearby, keeping the
child at home might be the most advisable course. On the other hand, if
expectations are not hopeful and he will need constant protective care
even in adulthood, institutional life might be more fitting. In a
weighty question of this kind, where your emotions may not enable you
to think clearly, you would probably be wise to seek the opinion of
your pastor or of social agencies with a Christian respect for the
rights of parents and children.

While it will be a great sadness to parents to place their child in an
institution, they should take comfort from the fact that his eternity
in heaven is assured. Since he lacks freedom of will to commit sin, he
stands in no danger of losing his soul. Thus parents of a mentally
defective child succeed in the ultimate purpose of parenthood: they
will return their child to God. Their mission is more successful,
therefore, than that of the father and mother who produce a normal
child who dies in mortal sin.

Other conditions which make a child exceptional include:


Cerebral palsy. This disease usually results from an injury to the
brain at birth or soon thereafter. It often makes the child appear to
be retarded mentally, because it causes speech and walking
difficulties. Actually, many afflicted children have extraordinary,
gifted minds. They--and all other palsied children--require special
teaching and training to enable them to realize their potentialities.


Epilepsy. Only a few generations ago, this condition was thought to be
associated with mental disease, and many doctors considered it
hopeless. Now it has been established beyond dispute that most patients
subject to epileptic seizures are normal in other aspects of their
lives. Nine epileptic children out of ten can attend school with normal
children. They will require continuing medical care, however. The
remaining child in ten may need to be treated in an institution or to
attend school with children similarly afflicted, where teachers and
nurses are trained to deal with seizures.


Physical defects which restrict movement. One example is a boy who has
suffered rheumatic fever, with a resultant weakened heart condition,
and who now must sit on the sidelines while classmates play basketball.
A youngster with a crippled or missing arm or leg, the result of a
disease like polio or an accident, likewise may be excluded from sports
and other activities of normal children.


Exceptional difficulties in seeing, speaking or hearing. Some children
stand out from their classmates because of their inability to pronounce
words properly, or to see or hear normally. Speech defects are more
common than most persons realize. They may result from an improper
formation of the teeth or jaw, from damage to the brain, or from a wide
range of psychological factors. It is now generally believed that
stammering and stuttering are caused by a deep sense of insecurity.


Neurosis. Emotional conflicts may often result in abnormal behavior
that sets the child apart. The youngster who is overly submissive or
aggressive, who refuses to play in ordinary games with other children,
or who does play and always ends the game either crying or fighting, is
one whose condition definitely requires special care and attention.


What parents can do for exceptional children. Probably the best
attitude which the parent of an exceptional child can have is to face
facts as they exist at the present, and to cultivate an objective
viewpoint about the future. By refusing to dwell on the past, parents
can avoid the common tendency to blame themselves or others for the
child's condition. The parent who insists upon blaming himself tends to
place responsibility for the child's care upon his own shoulders, and
to reject the services of others better qualified to treat the
condition.

By looking hopefully to the future, you will avoid a tendency to lavish
pity upon the child. For one who is pitied and made excessively
dependent soon comes to accept service from others as his right, and
feels persecuted when he is required to do things on his own. He is
deprived of the opportunity--essential to his full development--of
doing things for himself and for other people.

Cultivating an objective point of view means that you will accept your
child as he is. You will try to develop his spiritual qualities so that
he will accept his affliction with courage and optimism. You will not
burden him excessively with obligations beyond his ability, but you
will allow him to develop his skills to the utmost so that they become
a source of creative satisfaction to him.

You will also strive to learn as much as possible about modern methods
of caring for your child and put him under the care of experts who are
familiar with the latest methods of treatment. Fortunately, free care
is available for all exceptional children if you are unable to pay.
There also are many organizations of parents whose children have a
common problem--groups, for instance, of parents of mentally retarded
children, of the cerebral palsied and the crippled. Such parents can
give you a greater understanding of your own child's needs, and they
can advise you how to handle problems which may cause you concern.
Through these contacts, you can also help your child cultivate
friendships with similarly handicapped children, and help to relieve
the sense of isolation which a disabled person often feels.


Emotional problems of exceptional children. Although handicapped
youngsters have their individual personalities, they often react to the
discovery that they are "different" in one of two ways: They either
accept their condition too complacently, or they resent it excessively.

The child who reacts in the first way tends to depend almost entirely
upon his parents and others responsible for his care. He often
discovers that because of his condition, he can exact services which
are denied normal youngsters. Unless his parents treat his excessive
demands with unyielding firmness, he will gradually refuse to do more
and more things for himself until he seems incapable of even the
simplest acts.

Parents must decide what their handicapped child can do, and then
insist that he do it. The mother of a crippled child may find it
difficult to steel herself when her youngster tries to walk and falls.
But if walking is within his ultimate capabilities, it is far better
for his development that he suffer temporary defeats until he achieves
proficiency at it than that his incentive to walk be destroyed by
overprotectiveness.

The second undesirable reaction--rebellion against his condition which
may soon become rebellion against all authority--also must be dealt
with firmly. Few parents will discipline a handicapped child as they
would a normal one. Let the afflicted youngster recognize this fact,
and he is tempted to determine how far he can transgress and what his
punishment will be. If his experiments prove that his parents have no
effective way of deterring him, his offenses will know no limits. He
will become a virtual tyrant on the loose. As one man put it: Show me
the sickest member of the family and I will show you who rules the
home. Obviously, parents must prevent such a development by adopting
methods of discipline which are not emotionally harmful but which
nevertheless let him know that misconduct will not be tolerated.
Handicapped youngsters usually can be trained to follow normal rules of
conduct if they are deprived of privileges--viewing television, for
example--when they disobey.

Both overdependence and rebelliousness can be avoided if parents
realize that their child's emotional needs differ only in degree--not
in kind--from those of normal youngsters. An afflicted child needs more
constant reassurance of your love, as well as a deeper sense of
security, which your visible acceptance of him as a worthy individual
alone can provide. More than other children, he also needs to
accomplish things. Watch for signs of latent talent, and encourage him
to develop it. One crippled boy has won the admiration of his
classmates because of his ability to draw cartoons; another is an
expert chess player; a third does entertaining card tricks.

Wherever possible, also accentuate interests which your youngster has
in common with others so that he may make friends more easily.
Encourage him to invite other children to your home and enroll him if
possible in nursery school, day camp, a Boy Scout group, or similar
activities which youngsters normally engage in. A disabled child often
can participate in games, even if not as a player; by serving as score
keeper or referee, he is accepted as one of them. Children quickly
become accustomed to a deformity and thereafter do not usually think
about it.

Brothers and sisters of an exceptional child may also need special
attention. In their anxiety to give the best care to the handicapped
one, some parents overlook the needs of their normal youngsters. As a
result, the neglected ones sometimes develop a smoldering resentment
toward both their parents and the handicapped youngster. Every child--
regardless of how normal he is--needs certain particular attention. As
we indicated in the discussion on large families, parents should try to
spend at least a few intimate minutes each day with each child,
discussing his aspirations, congratulating him for his triumphs,
consoling him in his difficulties. These moments of intimacy between
each parent and each child are especially important if one child
necessarily requires a disproportionate amount of care. Most boys and
girls lack the insight to understand why a handicapped youngster may
have so much time devoted to him if the time allotted to them is
sacrificed as a result.

Your other children should be taught to treat their handicapped brother
or sister as you do--objectively, and without shame or guilt. They
should be taught that God has given some children different
characteristics from others, and that helping those less privileged
than ourselves is a means by which we can all grow in God's sight. They
should make allowances for a disability and should be taught to
sympathize with the handicapped one's efforts to overcome it. At times,
they may be required to take turns in feeding a child who cannot feed
himself, or in playing games in which he can participate.

However, they should not play the part of martyrs, for their own
development may be stunted. Ever since she was eight, one sixteen-year-
old girl had been required to spend almost every afternoon after school
caring for her younger brother who was bedridden all that time.
Outwardly the girl seemed to accept her task, but inwardly she seethed
with resentment. Then, to the shock of family and friends, she ran away
from home and involved herself in a series of sordid episodes. To the
trained psychologist, her misconduct was clearly related to the fact
that her mother had given her an overwhelming burden and permitted her
almost no time for recreation with her own classmates.


The adopted child. Although adopted children usually are not
exceptional in the sense that they are physically or mentally different
from others, nevertheless they do have special problems. For instance,
although an adopted child may not openly indicate his awareness of it,
he may feel "different" because his parents are not his own and he does
not have the natural relationship with them that his playmates have
with their parents.

Almost everyone today accepts the experts' opinion that it is wise to
tell a child, as soon as he can understand, that he is adopted, and to
indicate the special meaning of this relationship. Children respond
lovingly to the idea that they were specifically chosen by the adopting
parents. But an adopted child will not be satisfied with simple answers
throughout his life. Just as he will ask many questions on different
levels of understanding about sex as he matures, so too will he seek to
know various details about his adoption and the whereabouts of his
natural parents.

As with their answers about sex, parents should respond to questions
about adoption within the framework of love. They should emphasize that
they adopted the child because of his worthy and admirable qualities,
because they could provide him with a loving home imbued with the
worship of God, and because they hoped to give him a spiritual
upbringing that would enrich his life and lead to his salvation. Some
adopted children feel a special need for reassurances of this love,
especially if other children give them the idea that there is something
wrong or abnormal about their situation. While the child's questions
deserve honest answers, as complete as his age warrants, parents should
not recite specific details--for example, the name of the agency or of
the case worker--involved in the adoption procedure.

Officials at adoption agencies and other experts disagree over what a
child should be told of his natural parents. Some say that he should be
told that they died and that no one was left to care for him. Unless
this explanation corresponds to the facts, it may be unwise as well as
untrue. Often, children learn the truth in ways which cannot even be
anticipated. If they learn that you have deceived them on such an
important question as this, their faith in you will be badly shaken.

Even if they have never seen their parents and will never see them,
children do not wish to believe anything evil of them. If the child was
born out of wedlock, the adopting parents should merely state the truth
that the mother, knowing that she would be unable to give her baby the
care he deserved, was forced to offer him to people who would do so.
Almost always, the adopting couple will lack first-hand knowledge of
circumstances surrounding the child's conception. If he inquires into
his legitimacy as he reaches adolescence, they should truthfully reply
that they do not know. Whenever a child raises questions of this kind,
however, the parents should not miss the opportunity to emphasize that
he has their full, unquestioning love, and that his worth as a person
will be determined by his own achievements rather than by anyone
else's. Psychologists also deem it important that the child be made to
feel at all times that no one responsible for his early care--his
natural mother or his adopted parents--would give him up willingly
unless overwhelming reasons forced them to do so.

The need to accept a child as he is--and not to look too closely into
what part heredity played in giving him his characteristics--is of
primary importance to parents of an adopted child. At times, like any
youngster, he will resent and even seem to hate them. At other times,
he may appear to display major character defects. It is easy to blame
his natural mother and father for his conduct. Overimaginative parents
might conclude that the boy who displays an avid interest in girls at
an early age may be headed for a life of promiscuity. They may also be
disturbed when he reaches adolescence and manifests the rebelliousness
characteristic of that stage. They should firmly understand during such
difficult times that no good purpose is served by trying to determine
what inheritable factors are involved. For whether the child reaches
adult life with wholesome Christian ideals will depend primarily upon
the example he received during his formative years. As his foremost
teachers, his adopted parents will have greater control over his moral
and spiritual development than any factors in his heredity.


How to handle a "genius." About three per cent of all children have
such exceptional mental equipment that they can be classified as bright
or very bright. Thus about as many persons can be found in this
category as among the mentally retarded. While the problems of
exceptionally gifted children are not comparable to those of retarded
youngsters, difficulties exist nonetheless.

First signs that a child has a greater intellectual potential than the
average usually cannot be seen until he is about a year old, and real
substantiation may not be evident until he is nine or ten. According to
researchers at the New York University Counseling Center for Gifted
Children and elsewhere, a bright child usually shows some of these
characteristics:

He learns to do things for himself--to walk, talk, feed himself to read
and count--earlier than the average. He is curious by nature and likes
to investigate things and how they are made. He asks many questions,
often puzzling his parents as to where he acquired the information upon
which his questions are based. He has a long attention span and can
play constructively by himself for long periods. He creates his own
diversions and will collect stamps, cards, photographs and other
objects without any suggestion from his parents. He learns to read
early--sometimes at five years or younger, and sometimes without being
taught--and he acquires a large vocabulary. He enjoys using words in
unusual ways. He recalls details of events, names of objects, batting
averages and other facts which the average person does not remember.

One of a parent's great joys is watching his child's intellect develop.
It is like the opening of a beautiful flower. But as horticulturists
know, generally the more perfect the blossom, the more careful must be
the attention given its development. This is equally so with the gifted
child. He must be guided carefully lest he fall into any of several
traps.

You must keep him intellectually active. Many bright children become
problem pupils at school because they soon discover that they can do
their lessons more quickly than average children; while the teacher is
trying to get her point across to the less gifted ones, the bright
child may become bored. He may get into mischief, develop the habit of
daydreaming or seek other escapes from boredom. Many schools recognize
this danger and assign children to different classes according to their
ability. Thus, the bright child is placed with other bright youngsters
and the teacher can give challenging work to all without having to
consider the needs of duller pupils.

Small schools often cannot direct their programs specifically to the
bright child, however. If that is true in your child's case, you should
try to provide intellectual challenges outside his classroom. Encourage
him to read extensively in subjects that interest him. A third-grader
became absorbed in the story of the American Revolution. His parents
helped him select library books dealing with it. Soon he was reading
about related subjects--the kind of guns used during that period,
customs of life in Colonial times, biographies of leading Revolutionary
figures. He acquired a depth of understanding that could not have been
obtained at school alone, and his satisfaction in acquiring the
additional knowledge encouraged him to do similar research on other
subjects introduced to him in class.

It is also important that you do not give your child the impression
that he is superior to others. Accept his intellectual accomplishments
matter-of-factly, and never allow him to jeer at those less gifted than
himself. Point out that God bestows different gifts in different
quantities, and that a youngster who does not do well at studies may be
excellent at athletics; another may have unusual talent in the arts; a
third, qualities of compassion and understanding which give joy to all
who know him. The bright child who is allowed to think he is superior
to other children may become an insufferable prig obsessed with a
compulsion to show off at every opportunity.

Until he reaches high school, at least, and possibly until he enters
college, a bright youngster will be regarded suspiciously by
classmates. His adjustment with others of his age often is hampered by
the fact that he usually does not enjoy ordinary childhood games like
football or baseball. Rather, he prefers semi-solitary sports like
swimming and tennis. Not only are his recreational tastes different;
his choice of words, reading matter, and other interests may tend to
isolate him. Try to counteract his tendency always to do things by
himself. Encourage him to acquire skills which will put him at ease
with other youngsters: teach him to wrestle, play ball, dance, and to
engage in group activities wherever possible.

Some parents actually become fearful when they discover that they have
an unusually bright child. One reason is the belief that child
prodigies invariably grow up to be inadequate adults. According to a
widely held notion, they become addicted to alcohol or narcotics, are
unable to work at respectable jobs, and cannot adjust to the practical
demands of adult society. This idea is not founded upon fact.

Beginning in 1920, Dr. Lewis M. Terman of Stanford University began to
study a group of 1,500 youngsters whose I.Q.s started at 140 and ranged
upward. Dr. Terman and his colleagues analyzed the life histories of
these children for 25 years, visiting their homes, interviewing their
teachers, recording the jobs they chose and how they got along with
employers and fellow employees. Thus he compiled a complete, factual
picture of what actually happens to gifted children when they grow up.

What he found should reassure every parent of a gifted child. At every
age level, he discovered, superior children usually make a better
adjustment socially and in other ways than the average. They develop
fewer emotional problems: there are fewer alcoholics, narcotic addicts,
criminals or divorcees than can be found among the population at large.
By all such measurements, they are more successful than persons with
lesser intelligence.

To be sure, there have been spectacular cases of "mad geniuses"--child
prodigies who lived in misery and shame as men and women. Researchers
have established, however, that most cases of this kind result from a
common factor: the youngsters were exploited by their parents. The
children were exposed to excesses of publicity, were put on display
before the public as geniuses, and in other ways were denied their
precious right--the opportunity to grow normally, secure in the
knowledge that their parents loved them as human beings and not because
of special talents they possessed. In their need to be loved completely
and without reservation for their own sakes, exceptionally bright
children differ in no way from either normal youngsters or handicapped
ones.

In encouraging your child to realize his intellectual potential,
remember that his spiritual and emotional growth are more important.
Few lives are so tragic as those lived by persons of superior intellect
without sanctity. They are like a building on a motion picture set--a
beautiful, photogenic front with emptiness behind.

Only with a true spiritual outlook can the highly intelligent man or
woman fully use his intellect to serve God and man. So give your child
the priceless quality of idealism. Encourage him to work for the
betterment of humanity--the uplifting of man's heart or mind, the
easing of his physical or emotional pain, the improvement of man's
condition of life--and you will provide an objective worthy of the
intellect which God has given him.



CHAPTER 9: WHEN ONE PARENT MUST BE FATHER AND MOTHER

EXPERTS estimate that either the father or mother is missing in one out
of four American families with a child under twelve years of age. In 80
per cent of those families, it is the father who is missing; in the
remaining families, the mother is absent.

Several factors are responsible for the tragically high number of one-
parent families in modern society. One cause is the death of a parent.
In the United States, each year, about 200,000 fathers or mothers under
fifty-five die, leaving their survivors with minor children. It has
been estimated that 300,000 children under twelve do not have a living
mother or father. Another factor is divorce. More than 3,000,000
families in the United States have been broken by it. (Catholics cannot
sue for divorce, but some persons who profess the Catholic faith do so
nevertheless. They leave their partners, who may practice their
religion faithfully, with the task of rearing the children.(A third
cause is desertion. The best available estimates are that more than
50,000 homes are broken in the United States each year by this factor.
Usually the husband is the deserter--often one who cannot stand the
responsibility of fatherhood.

Many more or less involuntary separations also place upon one parent
almost the entire burden of parenthood. They may last only a few months
or as long as the children require parental care. More than a million
families are affected by this type of separation at any given time.
Some causes of it are hospitalization (more than 200,000 parents are
inmates of mental institutions), imprisonment, service in the armed
forces, and employment conditions which require the father to be away
from home all or most of the time. In addition to involuntary
separation there is what is known as psychological desertion: one
parent technically lives at home but is absent in fact or in spirit too
often to be an important force in the children's training. A typical
psychological deserter is the alcoholic, of whom there are an estimated
4,000,000 in the United States. An alcoholic parent may live with his
family, but is so continually befogged that the sober partner must
assume the entire task of rearing the children. Whatever the reasons
for the separation, absence of a husband or wife throws extra burdens
on the remaining partner.

A child who has lost one parent invariably needs much more security
than does the ordinary youngster. A young child accustomed to love from
both parents often becomes nervous, irritable and subject to crying
spells when part of this love is suddenly withdrawn. Even when children
are old enough to understand that one parent has had to go away, their
need for that parent's affection remains.


How a child may react to death. Young people often cannot grasp the
full significance of death; it is fairly common for a child to feel
that he was deliberately deserted because he was unworthy of the
parent's love. This feeling that he has been rejected intensifies his
sense of insecurity. Loss of a mother is particularly disturbing to a
young child, because it usually involves a new environment being
created for him. Perhaps a housekeeper must be hired to care for him
while his father is at work; however kind she may be, she follows a
different routine than the mother did. It may be necessary to place him
in a foster home temporarily; this also completely changes his mode of
living.

The remaining parent must show great patience, understanding and
affection to help a child regain his emotional stability. You can do
this by finding opportunities to praise him for his character and his
accomplishments; by doing things with him to demonstrate your interest
in him as a person; and, where possible, by overlooking mannerisms--his
refusal to eat certain foods, his tendency to cry easily, his reversion
to undisciplined bowel habits--which reflect his feeling of loss. You
will be able to correct these conditions after he has regained what is
more important--his sense of security and personal worth.

Your child also needs to retain his faith in his missing parent and you
should never belittle your spouse in his presence. Normally it is not
difficult for a widow or widower to praise a dead mate. It may not be
so easy for a mother to speak well of a father who has deserted her and
perhaps abused her physically and mentally. However, she should try to
remember that he doubtless had qualities which appealed to her
originally; in charity--and considerable charity may be required--she
should dwell on these features and leave unsavory aspects of his
character unmentioned. The need to be kind to the memory of the absent
one is very important because youngsters often idealize their parents.
If a boy believes that his father was worth-while, he will think that
he himself is worth-while. If he learns that his father was shiftless,
a drunkard and a bully, he may suspect that he himself is unworthy

This need exists not only when a parent has left permanently but also
during long absences. The father in one family was a traveling salesman
whose job kept him on the road most of the year. In winter, he called
on customers in the sunny South; in summer, he visited businessmen in
vacation areas of the North. Through all seasons his wife remained at
home, caring for the children and building in her mind an image of her
husband enjoying continuous pleasure. She lost few opportunities to
complain to her daughter that he relished his job because it freed him
from responsibility at home. She would have vehemently denied that she
was disloyal to her husband. But the effect was obvious Her daughter
married and made it plain that she intended to avoid being "stuck" with
children.


Need for a "Father Image." A child also needs someone to substitute for
his departed parent. No matter how conscientious you may be, you cannot
give what the combination of father and mother, as ordained by God, can
provide for his total development. A child without a mother misses the
sweet warmth of maternal love which no man can provide. Another woman--
aunt, grandmother, older sister, perhaps even a devoted housekeeper--
may serve as a substitute. By example, she can show a girl how women
are expected to act and thus provide the image the child needs to guide
her to adulthood. A woman has an unquestioned softening influence upon
a boy--so much so, in fact, that some authorities assert that the lad
reared without benefit of a strong feminine influence almost invariably
develops a harsh streak in his character.

Boys and girls need a "substitute father" too. As we noted in
discussing the father's role in the family, a son needs a male figure
to show him how he should act when he reaches manhood. Without a father
or a suitable substitute, he may fumble his way through the problems of
adolescence and young manhood, losing confidence with each step because
he lacks an experienced adult of his own sex whose example he can study
and in whom he can confide.

When a father is lacking, a wise mother will create opportunities to
bring her son into contact with men he can admire. This may be a
godfather, an uncle, a family friend, a Scout leader. She will
encourage him to become an altar boy and to join other parish
societies, where he will come under the influence of priests. If
possible, she will choose a high school where the teachers are men--
preferably priests or lay brothers.

Finally, your child needs to develop as a normal young person. Even
though it may be economically difficult for the family to maintain
itself in the absence of one parent, do not impose unfair burdens. An
older girl should not be turned into a "second mother," responsible for
the younger children and denied the opportunity to pursue her own life.
Nor should schoolchildren be required to devote all or most of their
free time to earning income, thus forgoing recreation which others
normally enjoy.

Youngsters can thrive without many material things we have come to
regard as necessities. Often a boy is not nearly so disturbed about his
shabby trousers as is his mother; he would rather play with other
youngsters than earn the income needed to maintain a more presentable
appearance.

The main sufferer in a one-parent home is often the oldest daughter.
She frequently gets the role of substitute mother. She may have to quit
school to remain at home with the younger ones. Her opportunities to
meet boys may be severely restricted. She is literally on call day and
night. Daughters often resent these forced sacrifices; many grasp the
first opportunity to marry simply because it affords an escape from
their routine of drudgery. A good principle to observe is that older
children should make sacrifices, but should not become martyrs; they
should have opportunities to associate with other young people and to
enjoy some recreation with them.


Dangers for parents to avoid. The loss of a husband or wife often gives
the surviving parent a sense of shock and emotional emptiness. This
feeling of loss is especially acute if the husband or wife has died
suddenly. The survivor feels a need to shower love for the departed
spouse upon someone else and the objects of this increased devotion
usually are the children. Therein lies danger, for the early days of
grief may set up patterns of overpossessiveness which endure for a
lifetime.

Widows must especially avoid the impulse to indulge in "smother-love."
A mother must realize that her children are entitled to pursue lives of
their own with their own friends, and in directions in which their own
talents lead them. Instead of concentrating all of her time and energy
upon her children, she might seek to make new friends of her own age,
to develop outside interests such as charitable work, and to try to
achieve her own sense of independence. By developing her own resources
as an individual, she will be better able to provide her children
freedom to develop in their own way.

A second danger is that of overprotectiveness. A mother in a fatherless
home often is determined that she alone will make up to her children
for their loss. One such mother, left with three boys, decided that
they would not suffer because of their father's death. Day and night
she supervised their affairs. When they played on school teams, she was
at the ball field to be on hand if they were hurt. They could not cross
a main boulevard alone to reach church and school; she had to drive
them. The family doctor could always count on her phone call whenever a
boy developed a slight sign of a cold. Her two oldest sons are now in
the army, and the youngest is in high school. All are inadequate. They
are unable to accept responsibility for their own affairs because they
have never been required to do so. What is more, all show intense
hostility toward her. She is completely confused. She spent her life
caring for them, she reasons, and in return has received only
ingratitude.

Another danger to avoid is that of being overly strict with your
children. Fathers are especially susceptible to this tendency, because
by nature they exert the stern influence in the home while mothers
incline toward leniency. With the mother absent, no force remains to
lessen the stern masculine impact. One father reasoned that since he
could not be at home during the day to correct his children's
misconduct, he would punish them so severely for their mistakes that
they would toe the mark, even in his absence, for fear of being found
out. Although he lived to an old age and his children appreciated the
sacrifices he had made to rear them, his over-severity in their
childhood made it impossible for them to feel the true sense of warmth
and affection that should have existed between them.

If you must be father and mother, you must also fight the temptation
toward self-pity. Some parents appear to enjoy the martyrdom they can
assume when they picture themselves as prisoners of their
responsibilities. For your own mental and physical health, get outside
yourself. Visit relatives and friends with whom you can discuss
subjects other than your children. Take up hobbies. Keep your mind
active by reading good books. Above all, get the food and rest you
need. Avoid the common tendency to skip meals when there is no one at
home to eat them. This course soon leads to excessive fatigue, nervous
tension, and other ailments--and may make you more easily prone to
despair over your condition of life.

Above all, do not lose your idealism and optimism. If problems arise
with which you cannot cope, seek advice from your pastor, doctor or
community services. Fortify your strength through prayer, spiritual
meditation and frequent reception of the sacraments.

Never underestimate the power of prayer. If your partner is dead, you
can legitimately demand his intercession for you in heaven. But in any
event, you can recall God's promise when you were married that His
grace would help you fulfill your station in life regardless of crosses
and hardships which might be placed upon you. If you seek His help in
your work of bringing His children to an eternity with Him, burdens
which otherwise might be unbearable will be lighter on your shoulders.


Don't abuse foster homes. When a family loses a mother or father, the
surviving parent often finds it difficult or impossible to care for the
children. A common solution is to place them in institutions or in
foster homes where they are cared for by a mother and father and given
some of the benefits of family life. The cost of such care is often
borne by charitable organizations or by the local government. It is
estimated that almost 200,000 children now live in foster homes in the
United States.

Many devoted couples have opened their homes to these young ones and
provide them with affection and understanding. But they are substitute
parents at best. Other persons who operate foster homes seem to be
motivated by a desire to profit from the payments they get. While their
care may meet technical standards set up by social welfare agencies,
they often neglect to give the child the personal attention he needs
for his complete development. In any event, a foster home should not be
considered as a solution to your problems unless you have exhausted all
possible ways of caring for your child at home.

A youngster's need for security and love is never demonstrated quite so
poignantly as in institutions or foster homes. One little girl returned
to an orphanage after a short visit with her mother, clutching a dirty
rag. She refused to be separated from it at any time of the day or
night. It represented her sole tie to her mother, and as long as she
held it she felt a kinship with home.

The typical boy or girl in a foster institution staggers emotionally
under a double loss--the loss of one parent and then of a second who
found herself unable to care for the child alone. Such a child deeply
feels that he is unloved and rejected, and will hesitate to show love
for another person because he fears rejection from the third party as
well.

Once a child is placed in a foster home, there is a grave danger that
he will remain there permanently. The mother who institutionalizes her
child usually hopes that she will make a home for him in the reasonably
near future. When some discover that they have been relieved of the
day-by-day task of caring for their child's needs, however, they
hesitate to relinquish their freedom and assume their rightful
responsibility again. Other parents, despite their best intentions,
cannot change their circumstances so that they can care for their child
personally.

When parents willingly or otherwise permit a temporary solution to
become permanent, their children often are the victims of heart-rending
tragedies. Some parents deposit their infants at institutions and do
not visit them again for years. Other children are moved from foster
home to foster home, finding it more difficult to make an adjustment
each time. Some parents, motivated by good intentions but lacking
practical judgment, remove a youngster from a home in which he has made
some adjustment and take him back to live with them. After a few
months, they discover that they cannot care for him after all. Back he
goes to a different foster home--bewildered, and feeling a sense of
guilt and rejection which he may never fully overcome.

The right of the parents to care for their child is supreme. He can be
taken from them only if a court decides that they are incapable of
giving him even the semblance of normal training. And even when he is
placed in an institution by order of the state, he cannot be offered
for adoption without their explicit consent. Thus they retain their
basic legal rights at all times. This is as it should be, for it
involves a principle deeply grounded in the natural law.

Yet, although parents need not waive rights to their child, there may
be humane reasons why they should do so. In one study made by the Child
Welfare League, it was found that half of the children who were placed
under foster care at the age of two years or younger were still being
cared for by institutions or foster homes at the age of eight. In other
words, they had gone through many of the most formative years of their
lives without the living guidance of parents and the stable influence
of a home that they could call their own. It is estimated that 250,000
such children in the United States could be adopted and given real
homes if their true parents would relinquish their legal rights.

In this highly important matter, no one should presume to tell a parent
that she should give up her child if she cannot hope to provide a home
for him. It can be suggested, however, that she prayerfully consider
whether he should be offered for adoption to a couple better able to
give the loving, constant care that is so essential for his spiritual,
emotional and physical growth. Perhaps few tasks are more difficult for
parents than severing all ties with their child. Yet, in justice, they
should try to view the problem with the eyes of a third party. If they
could weigh the disadvantages of institutional life against the
advantages of a home where a child can develop roots and grow under the
guidance of loving foster parents, their sacrifice might be easier to
make.


Guidance for stepparents. One of the disservices which ancient fairy
tales have done to the cause of modern life is to place the positions
of stepmother and stepfather in disrepute. In the popular belief, the
typical stepparent is often a person of vicious temperament who treats
her stepchildren brutally. In fact, however, stepparents often provide
their stepchildren with wholesome care and affection which natural
parents sometimes fail to give.

In homes broken by the death of a parent, the possibility that the
survivor may remarry and thus give the children the guidance of a
second father or mother should not be overlooked. When a widower with
children marries a widow with children, the result--surprising to some
pessimists--is often a truly stable home, steeped in religious values,
which spreads its benefits to every member of the household.

Sometimes, however, it is difficult to achieve satisfactory adjustments
between the two parents in such a marriage, between each parent and his
or her stepchildren, and among the stepchildren themselves. To make
such a marriage work for the benefit of both adults and children, the
parents in particular must exercise more patience, tolerance and
humility than might be required in a union of two childless persons.
For instance, loyalties to the lost parents have been established. Most
family units have different standards of conduct and different ways of
doing things. Through trial and error and an intimate knowledge of
their own children, the different parents may have adopted different
techniques of discipline. Children of the two-family units may be
approximately the same age and a natural competitive situation may
exist between them. Such factors must be reconciled if a marriage
between stepparents is to achieve its greatest mutual benefit.

If the prospective husband and wife recognize the typical problems
inherent in marriages of this kind and constructively plan solutions, a
harmonious merger will be achieved more readily. Basically, they should
work for five key objectives:

1. Unity of the new family unit. Just as husband and wife become one in
marriage, so, too, should the separate families. They can be joined
together through emphasis upon family prayer, family attendance at Mass
and reception of the sacraments, and recreation in which all members of
the family can participate.

2. Uniform rules for all the children. An agreement between husband and
wife on the upbringing of their children is essential to all marriages,
but doubly so in a union of stepparents. Unless the adults agree on how
to discipline the children, the father's child will tend to side with
him while the mother's child follows her guidance. As a result, the
family will be split in practice.

3. A spirit of compromise. No two families develop the same way of
doing things, and often it would be difficult for even an objective
viewer to state which way is better. In his motherless home, one father
permitted his preschool children to remain up late at night. He
reasoned that they could spend more time with him in the evening and
could make up their lost sleep in the morning. In her fatherless home,
however, a mother kept her children on a rigid schedule and required
them to complete their night prayers and be in bed by 8:30 P.M. When
the families were united, one procedure obviously had to change. In
this case, the father realized that since his children now had a
mother, they should follow the schedule best suited for her. Many
similar differences must be ironed out in a union of this kind.

4. Unqualified love and fairness. A new stepmother must face the
possibility that her new children may reject her at first out of a
mistaken sense of loyalty to their natural mother. A new stepfather may
face similar rejection. However, given clear indications of the new
parent's love, the children will respond in time. This response will be
made easier if parents treat their own children and their stepchildren
with strict equality. Children are quick to sense favoritism; if they
believe that they are being discriminated against, and by one who seeks
to replace their departed father or mother, the antagonism may be
intensified. This condition probably is more responsible than any other
for legendary tales about the cruelty of stepparents.

5. Firm discipline. The average child will be tempted to discover
exactly to what extent a new parent means what he says. This
experimentation is probably necessary. Few children feel secure unless
they clearly understand what they may and may not do with impunity. A
new stepparent must therefore avoid a tendency to be too lenient in
disciplining a child. For while kindness is always necessary, firmness
is equally so. The stepchild who breaks a rule should be told why it is
necessary to punish him, so that he cannot justifiably conclude that
the punishment is unfair.

One parent's disciplining of a child should be fully upheld by the
other parent, of course. Stepchildren need constant confirmation of the
fact that mother and father now are in complete unison and are both
motivated by love for him and constant concern for his welfare.

Challenges and problems facing a stepparent are usually greater than
those which confront natural parents. Yet the rewards are greater too.
For a stepparent can bring love and guidance of a special kind to
children who would otherwise be without it; and the love which the
children will bestow in return will be a source of comfort throughout
the parent's life.



CHAPTER 10: WHERE TO GET HELP WHEN IN TROUBLE

PROBABLY no family exists that does not have some deep and serious
problems. Sometimes the problems may result from personality conflicts
between husband and wife or from a difference in their objectives.
Perhaps they derive from the interference of in-laws; from a harmful
habit of one partner, such as drinking or gambling to excess; from the
failure of children to respond to the training by parents, church or
school; or from an almost unlimited variety of other factors.

When you were married you were not granted immunity from difficulty.
Your marriage contract, in which you agreed to take your partner "for
better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health,"
clearly foresaw that your future life as a husband and father or wife
and mother would be strewn with problems. Therefore your success or
failure as a parent will not depend upon the number of difficulties in
your life, but rather upon how you handle those thrust upon you. To
some extent, at least, the manner in which you deal with your problems
is the primary measure of your adequacy as a marriage partner and a
parent.

One of the greatest attributes you can develop is the ability to
determine what is important in your life, what constitutes a danger for
your family's future, and whether you yourself possess resources to
deal with any dangers that you foresee. Of equal, if not greater,
importance is the attitude that any cross can be made bearable--if you
display the courage and optimism which faith in God and His goodness
can provide.


You must expect difficulties. To achieve a truly happy family life, you
must learn how to deal with troubles and tensions that are an ordinary
part of existence together in a family unit. As "The Catholic Marriage
Manual" points out, a husband and wife will view and do things
differently. They come from different backgrounds, and thus they will
have different ideas about how money should be spent, how the household
should be run, about recreation, eating, sleeping and many other
activities of daily life. No couple can reasonably hope to live
together in a continuously serene atmosphere, unmarred by
disagreements.

Since children have their own distinct personalities, they too will
differ with their parents alone and together, and with other children
in the family. You must expect some difficulties. But when
disagreements go beyond normal levels, or when parents or children
develop habits which continuously endanger their spiritual and
emotional development or the happiness of the family at large, real
trouble may be said to exist.


Danger signs of trouble. One might cite an almost limitless number of
attitudes which, if unchecked, could produce serious trouble. For
example, probably every child cries at some time to obtain what his
parents do not wish him to have. If they give in to him to stop him
from crying, he will always wail to gain his way, as a matter of
course. Let them persist in giving him what he wants when he wants it
and they will have a tyrant on their hands--a self-centered individual
who will never adjust to the wishes and needs of others. As he meets
other children not so responsive to his tears, he will be unable to
deal with them. Personality disorders of children have developed from
such beginnings and have grown so severe that the help of outsiders was
needed to make family life normal again.

A child may become shy and withdrawn, unable to do adequate work at
school, because his mother or father treats him harshly and denies him
love. Another may stutter because of an overdominant parent, or because
a new brother or sister threatens his hold upon his parents. A teen-
ager rebels against authority and continually refuses to do his
homework. A daughter reared in a very strict home cultivates
undesirable companions to torment her parents.

Such conditions occur often. All have their starting point long before
they reach a state where outsiders must be asked to help correct them.
However, they do not typify the normal family problem. They are
exceptional for the very reason that mothers and fathers, acting on
their inherent instincts as parents, can usually foresee dangerous
tendencies in their family life and can forestall the development of
major troubles. Most parents have the qualities--patience, tolerance
and willingness to admit their own faults--that are needed to handle
the normal difficulties of living.

What should you do, however, when some condition upsets you and
threatens to become more disturbing unless it is checked? First, try to
ascertain what is normal behavior. Many husbands have spells of
irritability; one berates his wife because dinner is not ready at the
regular time, but there is no reason to think that real trouble exists
in his marriage. If, however, he continues resentful for hours after
dinner, or if she delays meals every night despite his reaction,
perhaps deeper and more serious factors than mere irritability are
involved. Likewise, some nagging by the wife is probably normal; if she
did not continually remind her husband to repair a leaky faucet, the
water bills might drive the family to the poorhouse. Again, husband and
wife should realize what degree of nagging is reasonable. If she
continually refuses to allow her husband to read his evening paper in
peace, she probably nags to excess and there may be a more serious
emotional disturbance beneath the surface.

You should have no difficulty in determining what behavior patterns to
expect of your children. By recalling your own childhood, observing
other youngsters in home and play situations, talking to teachers, and
reading even a small amount of advice on child care problems, you can
form a clear picture of what is normal. Thus, you can expect that a
brother will deliberately tease his sisters; that your children will
often fight among themselves and that you will be required to separate
them forcibly; that occasionally your child may accuse you of treating
him unfairly; that sometimes he will disobey you--perhaps by reading in
bed after lights should be out; that once in a while he will fail to do
homework lessons assigned to him. You probably should handle any of
these problems by yourself.


When to seek guidance. As a general principle, you should seek guidance
when a problem presents a present or future serious danger to the well-
being of one or more family members; when your own efforts to deal with
it have failed; and when the disturbing condition is growing worse,
rather than improving, with time. Some cases that conform to such a
formula are described below.

A normal young child may have occasional nightmares. They are a
subconscious reaction to fears or experiences in his waking state. One
child, however, had them almost as a matter of course. Although his
parents tried to assure him that he had nothing to fear, he began to
dread going to bed. They then permitted him to leave his bedroom door
open and kept a light burning in the hall. Soon he resisted going to
bed even under these conditions, and his fears began to affect his
schoolwork, his relations with other children and with his parents. His
mother took him to a counseling center. A psychiatrist discovered after
talking to him that he had become addicted to blood-and-bullets
television programs, and spent most of his allowance each week on comic
books of the horror type. His parents had been unable to discern the
real cause of his nightmares, for he did not appear to be unduly
affected by what he read or saw on television. Clearly, therefore, this
was a case calling for outside guidance.

Another boy seemed to be a model of good behavior until he reached his
teens. When he entered high school, however, his parents noticed a
striking change. At some times he appeared to be strangely listless and
to be given to excesses of daydreaming. At other times, he returned
home in a state of feverish excitement. And on still other occasions,
he responded in a violently quarrelsome way to gentle remarks by his
parents. The change was so marked, and the parents' attempts to cope
with it so ineffective, that they rightly consulted a doctor. What he
discovered shocked them. The boy had taken a dare to smoke marijuana,
and after a few experiences he had gone on to even more habit-forming
drugs. Fortunately, his parents acted quickly enough, and he was
treated without the excruciating pain which more confirmed addicts
often feel when they try to break the habit.

A young husband and his wife seemed to have made a fine adjustment to
marriage until their first child arrived. Then he became quarrelsome
and found fault with her conduct at the slightest provocation. She
began to dread his return home at night, because she knew the evening
would not end without angry words. With greater insight, she might have
realized that his attitude stemmed from immature fears that the infant
might replace him in her affection. The couple's relations continued to
grow worse until a marriage counselor advised her to reassure her
husband constantly of her love and to help him develop a responsible
adult attitude. Had experienced guidance not been available, the
relations of this couple might have degenerated to a point where their
future happiness would be endangered.


Where to take your problems. Knowing when you need help to solve family
problems is not sufficient. You must also know where to take your
problems. Some persons are eager to discuss their troubles with
outsiders, but unfortunately the outsiders often are even less
qualified to help than the individuals personally involved. One social
scientist asked sixty husbands and wives to whom they confided their
troubles. He discovered that all discussed their problems with friends,
relatives, neighbors and even the corner bartender--but none consulted
a spiritual adviser, doctor or other person truly equipped to help. One
can only wonder how much continued heartbreak and misery is caused by
the tendency of those blinded by their own emotional problems to seek
guidance from those who are not capable of assisting them. This
tendency is even more disturbing because more guidance, backed by
scientific knowledge of physical and emotional processes, is now
available than ever before.

Many persons think that their trouble is unique--that no one has ever
faced so many complex problems before. The reverse is actually true.
Any difficulty you experience in your married life or as parents has
almost certainly been experienced by countless others. Consequently
there exists a vast body of experience and understanding that you can
draw upon. For instance, almost 600 nation-wide agencies exist
specifically to help persons in trouble. This list of organizations
includes the National Association for Mental Health, which spreads
information about mental illnesses and encourages the proper care of
persons so afflicted; the Society of St. Vincent de Paul, organized to
aid the poor, sick and helpless; the National Epilepsy League;
Alcoholics Anonymous, which has helped to restore hundreds of thousands
of men and women to useful, sober lives; the Institute for the Crippled
and Disabled, which aids handicapped persons to find useful work and
lead normal lives. Almost every diocese has a Catholic Charities'
office which provides a multitude of services to troubled parents and
sick children. In addition, there are countless hundreds of books,
pamphlets and other publications written to help you solve specific
problems. Clearly, there is no lack of help available for you; all you
need is a willingness to be helped.

Where can you get help? Any problems involving morals, which you cannot
resolve after your prayerful efforts to do so, should be taken to your
parish priest. By virtue of his long experience and whole-hearted
dedication, he draws upon a reservoir of knowledge which is not
available to you. He probably can provide you with insights which you
have overlooked. You should consult him as soon as you become aware
that a serious moral danger exists. Many persons wait too long; by the
time they appear at the rectory, great harm has already been done.

A typical problem which should be treated early is that of a wayward
parent setting a bad example to his children. In one home, a father of
three boys was firm in requiring them to attend Mass each Sunday.
However, he always remained in bed and failed to perform his own duty.
The mother watched with apparent indifference when the boys reached
adolescence and began copying their father by missing Mass when they
felt like it. Not until the oldest son announced his intention of
marrying a non-Catholic girl before a judge, did she seek the advice of
her priest; by then, he could merely sympathize with her. Had he had an
early opportunity to discuss the danger to the family that would result
from her husband's indifference, he might have convinced the father
that his children would follow his example and would be placed in moral
danger as a result.

Moral problems often have roots elsewhere. For instance, when a couple
are unable to spend the husband's income intelligently, they may be
tempted to practice artificial birth control. The priest can refer them
to agencies which will help them budget their money in a careful way.
In other families, serious conflicts may arise over the inability of
husband and wife to achieve sexual compatibility. They may be referred
to special courses held under Catholic auspices and designed to give
men and women deeper insights into the responsibilities and
potentialities of their life together.

Sometimes problems stem from emotional disturbances. One girl of eight
suddenly became, in her father's words, "a pathological liar." The girl
seemed incapable of distinguishing truth in any area of her life, and
especially when chided by her parents for committing acts she had been
specifically forbidden to do. She spread absurd stories to friends,
neighbors and even her teacher. The wise priest to whom the parents
took the problem, realized that the child lied because she was deeply
upset emotionally and could best be treated by a psychiatrist.

Many behavior problems do not have a direct moral or religious
connection, but result primarily from physical factors. For example, if
your child fails to do school work expected of his age, you probably
should consult your family doctor. Some youngsters have trouble hearing
or seeing normally, but their defects show up only upon investigation.
Or they may suffer from diseases which are severe enough to keep them
from doing good school work but not serious enough to force them to
remain in bed.

Family troubles may result from economic factors. Sometimes a mother is
distraught because her husband is ill for protracted periods of time
and she lacks money to buy necessities for her children. False pride
should not keep her from seeking aid from agencies established to help
in such emergencies. Every diocese has a charitable organization to aid
the needy, and communities usually also have nonsectarian welfare
agencies. Sometimes a mother is bedridden for long periods and receives
inadequate care while her children are without the attention they
require. Voluntary nurses' associations will give her the home
treatments prescribed by her doctor, and, if necessary, Catholic
Charities or community agencies will provide temporary homes for her
children until she recuperates.

If problems center around your child's conduct at school, do not
hesitate to ask his teacher or the school principal for advice. If you
approach them with a determination to help your child, rather than to
justify him or yourself, you will often gain a truer understanding of
conditions that will enable you to handle his difficulties more
successfully. School principals report, however, that the typical
parent appears with a chip on her shoulder. She ignores the experience
of the educator which is based upon observations of thousands of
children in various stages of development. She would do better to
pocket her pride, admit that either she or her youngster has been
responsible for the difficulty in question, resist the impulse to
accuse the teacher or principal of prejudice when there is no concrete
evidence of it, and resolve to follow the advice given her.

A priest, doctor, principal or other expert may suggest that your
problem can best be treated by a psychologist or psychiatrist.
Generations ago, such a suggestion would have met great resistance, for
the average person believed that consulting a psychologist or
psychiatrist was a virtual admission of insanity. Some persons also saw
psychiatry as a threat to religion--a threat which rarely existed and
does not now exist from any competent psychiatrist. Others felt that it
was intrinsically shameful to admit that they could not solve their own
problems and had to seek professional counsel. While we cannot
automatically be absolved of blame for emotional disturbances which
require the services of psychiatry, nevertheless when a condition
exists, it is all the more shameful to let false pride prevent us from
doing something constructive about it.

Many persons are confused about the functions of a psychologist and a
psychiatrist. A qualified psychologist has intensively studied the
workings of the human mind and human behavior. He is often a doctor of
philosophy and is equipped to treat common difficulties of family life-
-the husband and wife who chronically do not agree about the upbringing
of the children, the youngster who wets the bed long beyond the normal
time, the intelligent child who seems unable to learn to read. A
psychologist also can usually handle the problems of neurotics--those
whose personality disorders are out of the ordinary but who are not
considered insane. Such neurotics may be a father who drinks or gambles
to excess, harming his family thereby; a child who constantly resorts
to temper tantrums when he is denied his own way, even in trivial
matters; an older child who has an apparent fixed determination to
torment his younger brother at every opportunity. A psychologist is
trained to probe beneath the surface of actions and to suggest
treatment for the emotional disturbance basically responsible for them.

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who primarily treats problems of the
mind or emotions. He can handle all cases which might be brought to a
psychologist, plus those where there are definite manifestations of
more serious neuroses or insanity. The psychiatrist should be consulted
when emotional problems are coupled with physical ones, as in
psychosomatic disorders. For instance, a child who was confronted with
important school examinations reported intense pain in his writing
hand. Naturally, this condition prevented him from taking the test. A
medical examination disclosed no physical basis for the pains. The
child was found to be suffering from hysteria--he imagined pain which
was nonetheless very real to him, in order to avoid taking a test he
feared he would fail. The care of a psychiatrist may be indicated when
a wife fails to respond normally to her husband's physical advances,
when he is impotent, or when their physical relationship produces
revulsion instead of satisfaction. Many patients of psychiatrists are
unable to manifest love for other human beings. Many cannot make
decisions or accept normal responsibilities.

A psychiatrist may use a wide variety of treatments--drugs where they
are indicated, water baths or electro-shock therapy. He may use play
therapy with a child: he invites the youngster to participate in games
so that he can observe the patient in everyday circumstances. A boy
playing checkers will indicate how he tolerates frustration and defeat.
A girl who "plays house" may treat her doll as she has been treated by
her mother, and will thus reveal many of her innermost feelings. With
insight thus gained, the practitioner can more easily determine the
basic conflicts beneath the problem. Techniques of play therapy are
also used by psychologists.

When emotional disturbances have lasted for a long time, possibly since
early childhood, the psychiatrist will use psychoanalysis. This is the
much publicized procedure in which the patient is encouraged to talk
freely and confidentially of his life problems. In these unguarded
discussions, the patient often reveals factors in his early training
which have caused his present condition. Because of the findings of
psychoanalysts, parents now are urged to give their children greater
freedom in training for bowel and bladder control and to refrain from
demanding excessive cleanliness. For a fear of germs was implanted so
deeply in some children, psychoanalysts discovered years later, that
they were unable even to kiss their marriage partners without inner
qualms.

Talking over one's deepest feelings with a sympathetic, objective
listener often helps a patient gain a new perspective about his
problem. Once realizing why he feels and acts as he does, he is often
enabled to change his patterns of reaction. Sometimes patients achieve
an understanding of their difficulties after a few hours of
psychoanalysis. But treatment often lasts for months, even years.
Obviously, the longer the condition has remained in the patient s
subconscious, the more difficult it will be to reach and remove. For
this reason, psychoanalysis is often spectacularly successful in
reaching the roots of youthful behavior problems. But since the child
depends almost entirely upon his parents, the causes of most if not all
of his problems rest in their conduct. Therefore parents who bring
their child to a psychiatrist usually must be prepared to hear that the
child's condition will improve only if they change their attitude
toward him in one or several important particulars.

If you must choose a psychologist or psychiatrist, do so with the
utmost care. Some persons will shop at half a dozen different stores
before buying a pair of shoes, and then will choose from the phone book
a professional consultant about whom they know nothing. Responsible
professional organizations like the National Association for Mental
Health and the American Association of Marriage Counselors have warned
of the widespread existence of psychological "quacks" who pose as
experts on family problems. Ask your pastor, school principal, family
doctor, an official of Catholic Charities or another responsible
welfare organization to recommend a reputable practitioner. They will
gladly do so. This simple precaution may save you inestimable time and
money and insure you of the best possible help in solving your
problems.


"Disgrace" in the family. Often, despite the most sincere efforts of
parents, a child for some inexplicable reason fails to develop into a
normal adolescent or adult who lives up to his responsibilities
respectably and honorably. A son or daughter may be attracted to evil
companions and may lead a life which causes public scandal. An
offspring may drink, gamble, or develop other habits that become
occasions of sin, if they are not sinful themselves. Or, after
acquiring a limited education, he may become sophisticated and turn
away from the teachings of the Church because they are not modern
enough for him.

Whenever such conditions occur, good Catholic parents are sorely tried.
If they could they would correct their child's conduct and place him
once again on the path to Christian virtue. Unfortunately, however,
their influence over a child begins to wane after his early years. A
tendency toward evil that you can correct easily in your child of six
will be difficult to eradicate when he is fourteen and may become
impossible to remove when he is twenty-two. The plight of parents with
offspring who cause shame should remind all mothers and fathers that
the time to implant habits of virtue is when children are young--not
when they are adults.

With our present knowledge of the causes of delinquency, promiscuity,
and other shameful deviations from normal behavior, we can advise
parents that scoldings, recriminations and threats are almost always
foredoomed to failure. Our Lord clearly taught in his gentleness toward
Mary Magdalene that sinners can be won over by love, affection and
sympathetic understanding--and that one may legitimately hope for
reformation regardless of the depth to which the sinner has declined.

Parents must never cease to strive, by prayer, example and teaching, to
help their wayward child to save his soul. They should create a
framework of love and affection in which to discuss his problems with
him and, by reasoning with him, try to get him to mend his ways.

Of course, you cannot condone sin. If your child uses your home for
sinful purposes, you are morally obligated to prevent him from doing
so. If he refuses to be married in the Church, you cannot attend a
civil ceremony and thus implicitly bless his action. You must always
avoid giving others the impression that you support your child in
actions which violate moral teaching. On the other hand, you should
make it plain that while you deplore and detest the sin, you love the
sinner. By your unquestioned concern, kindness and sacrifice, and
despite obstacles which seem insurmountable and disappointments which
bring you to the border of despair, you may yet see a reawakening of
his conscience and his ultimate return to you and the Church.

The need for sympathy and love is especially important in the case of a
daughter who becomes pregnant outside marriage and faces the awful
prospect of bearing a child without a father. In older generations,
such a sin was often considered justification for her parents to turn
her away from their door and to thrust her, hopeless and friendless,
upon a scoffing world. Such cold-blooded lack of charity was often a
greater sin than the act which prompted it. Fortunately very few modern
parents so lack compassion that they would reject a daughter at the
moment when she needs them most.

Girls in such a predicament often have not received the parental love
to which they are entitled. Some grow up in an atmosphere where they
are deprived of natural objects for their affection, and they respond
unthinkingly to the first individual who offers them kindness. Of
course, every person must fully accept the consequences for his or her
own sins. But parents should also humbly consider whether their actions
have not contributed to the tragedy. Even where they are not at fault,
they should have charity.

When pregnancies occur outside of marriage, the question usually arises
of whether the girl should marry the man responsible for her condition.
Experience teaches that marriages based solely upon a physical
relationship which has produced unforeseen consequences stand little
chance of providing happiness for either man, woman or child. If a
strong bond of affection exists between the boy and girl, however,
marriage may be considered a wise solution.

If marriage is impossible or undesirable, plans should be made for the
girl to live away from her home community in the later stages of her
pregnancy. Many institutions exist to provide kind care and sympathetic
attention to unmarried mothers. Often, they also arrange for the infant
to be adopted, because the unmarried mother almost invariably lacks
resources to provide the proper home environment for her child during
his long years of dependency. The parish priest will know where
institutions of this kind are located within convenient distance of the
community where the girl lives.

When this procedure is followed, the unwed mother can return to her
home without becoming the subject of a public scandal. Now, as during
her pregnancy, her parents should display the Christian virtue of
forgiveness. They should do all within their power to encourage her to
turn from past habits and associations and to build a new life with
courage and trust in God.



CHAPTER 11: SHOULD MOTHERS WORK?

ONE of the most significant changes of our time--perhaps the most
important of all--has been the gradual and insidious breakdown of the
family unit which has served man since his earliest moments. And no
aspect of this breakdown is more alarming than the growing number of
mothers who spend their days at work outside the home.

The extent of this trend is dramatically illustrated by figures
compiled by the U.S. Census Bureau. In 1890, about 4,000,000 women in
the United States--one in seven--were employed outside the home. By
1920, there were about 8,000,000 female jobholders--and most were
single women, widows, or mothers whose children had grown and no longer
required their care. Even after World War I, the typical American
husband considered it his shame if his wife worked to augment his
income; it meant to him that he was an incompetent provider.

Contrast those statistics with today's. In 1958, according to the same
government sources, about 23,000,000 women were in the labor force. One
worker in three was female. For the first time in our history, more
married than single women are employed by business and industry. Even
more startling is the fact that one of every five mothers with children
under five has a full-time job. Economists have estimated that if
present trends continue, the married woman between 35 and 65 who
remains at home will be in the minority within fifteen years; before
this century ends, the woman who strives to fulfill her historic role
as educator of her children will be virtually extinct.

What lies behind the frantic effort by so many American mothers to
relinquish their position in the home and to place themselves on a
payroll?

An obvious answer might be that their family needs the money. Actually,
however, a survey by the U.S. Department of Labor has revealed that
only about one woman worker in seven is the sole support of her family.
Such bread-winners are usually widows or are separated from their
husbands. They can see no alternative to work. They either take outside
employment to support their families or go on relief.

The vast majority of mothers work for reasons other than absolute
economic necessity, however. Most seek to provide higher standards of
living than would be possible on the husband's income alone. For
instance, many take jobs so that the family may have a more expensive
home, better furniture, an automobile, the opportunity to take
vacations and similar privileges. Another category of working mothers
consists of those who seek creative satisfactions which they feel that
they cannot obtain by caring for their children. Many in this group
have been educated to work in the professions, or as secretaries,
typists and the like.

Other factors--and combinations of factors--doubtless contribute to the
decision of mothers to work. A woman may desire to avoid the loneliness
which frequently accompanies the job of caring for small children. She
may want to feel independent of her husband. She may seek the
excitement often found in the business world where there are new
challenges and people to meet. But regardless of why a woman leaves her
children in other hands and becomes a wage-earner, one fact is
paramount: unless she has a compelling economic reason for doing so,
she is downgrading motherhood as her career. And since civilized people
have long agreed that the development of young minds and souls is the
greatest and most rewarding task that can be entrusted to humans, it is
obvious that the woman who voluntarily turns away from her
responsibility is changing the function of motherhood which has existed
for ages. She is thus encouraging a revolution which will have a
powerful effect upon society for generations to come.

In fairness to working mothers, however, it must be stated that the
majority probably do not fully realize the consequences in terms of
harm to their families and themselves that result from their long daily
absences from the home.


Harm to the child. The young child needs his mother. No one else can
adequately substitute. A child needs her constant affection and tender
guidance, because only upon these foundations can he build the sense of
security he needs for his full emotional development. He cannot get
this affection at a nursery school. Nor can he obtain it from a
succession of trained nursemaids who--however conscientious--cannot
give the continuity of love essential for his growth.

The obligation of the woman who bears a child to care for it during its
early formative years is recognized even by primitive societies. But
what every woman instinctively knows is confirmed by the cold,
analytical studies of scientists. For example, in a historic report on
"Maternal Care and Mental Health," published in Geneva in 1952, Dr.
John Bowlby declared that the child's entire personality development
depends upon the continuity of his relationship with his mother. If the
child learns to give his love intimately and consistently to one person
throughout his early years of growth, he develops a trust in human
goodness and an inner security that enables him to meet confidently the
problems of growing up.

What are the effects upon a child deprived of his mother's love during
his early, crucial years? Medical records provide a voluminous and
terrifying answer. During World War II, governmental authorities in
Europe decided to evacuate children from zones in danger of enemy
attack. Doctors had the opportunity to compare the psychological effect
upon evacuated youngsters separated from their mothers, and upon
children who remained with their mothers in areas where bombs fell. The
doctors found that the incidence of neurosis and psychosis was
fantastically higher among the evacuated children. Those who remained
at home could endure even the threat of death without permanent
psychological injury, because the security of their mothers' love
sustained them in every time of danger.

The feeling that he has been deserted is one of the most terrifying
experiences a young person can face. As proof, consider the hysterical
scenes in a hospital ward. A child deposited in strange surroundings
may experience such an intense fear of the unknown that it etches
itself into his memory for the rest of his life. Psychiatrists report
that the loss of their mother--through death, desertion, divorce or
other factors--gives some children a fear and insecurity that they
never entirely lose. Such a child may revert to infantile habits--his
attempt to recapture the days when he had his mother's love. He may
resist all efforts at discipline, and may whine or cry for no apparent
reason. As an adult, he may require psychiatric care, for the adult
patient who lost his mother during his early childhood sometimes is
unable to give unstinting love to his wife--or to any human being--
because he dreads the pain he would feel anew if his love were rejected
again.

Of course, few children suffer in this acute way if a working mother
shows her love when she and her child are together. Nonetheless, the
child suffers more psychological damage than a parent perhaps realizes.
The extent of the damage depends, naturally, on the amount of maternal
deprivation.

Dr. Bowlby, in a report quoted by the "Ladies' Home Journal" of
November 1958, says that the commonest result is a tendency to feel
anxious and unhappy and to dread solitude. These symptoms are related
to a feeling of basic insecurity. Dr. Bowlby says that children who
have never received continuous loving care from one person cannot learn
to love and develop emotional depth. "They act from whim," he says,
"and are very sad, unreliable people indeed.

"Children who have known real mothering for a time and then have lost
it before they are three sometimes grow up full of hate and mistrust,
mixed with a desire for love that they are afraid to admit but which
comes out in such things as stealing and promiscuity--lone wolves and
lost souls, they are. Deprivation after the age of three isn't quite so
bad, but it still results too often in excessive desires for affection
and excessive jealousy which cause acute inner conflict and
unhappiness."

Many working mothers report that on Saturdays and Sundays, when they
are at home, their little ones are with them constantly and do not want
to let them out of their sight. The mother interprets this as an
indication that she retains her child's love and trust. True, but it
also indicates the child's insecurity and his fear that she will again
leave him.


Harm to the husband. The damage that a working wife may inflict upon
her husband may be almost as great as that done to her child. Man by
nature must be the head of the home. From our earliest day, and through
all stages of our civilization, he has been the family's provider. He
is best fitted for this role: he is naturally active and decisive; he
is muscularly stronger than woman; his physical reflexes are better
developed. These characteristics have enabled him to hunt, fish and
provide the other necessities of life to enable the family to live
together. Even today, when physical prowess is not the most important
attribute for the provider, typical masculine traits are required to
achieve success in the business world.

By taking a position outside the home, a mother throws the historic
relationship with her husband out of balance. How can he be the head of
the house when he is not considered capable of performing his basic
function? The very qualities she must develop in the working world--
masculine traits of aggressiveness, decisiveness, coldness,
impersonality--are the antithesis of those she needs in dealing with
husband and children. She no longer complements her husband as nature
intended. She becomes his rival. However much husbands sometimes
encourage or accept the employment of the wife outside the home, the
situation is not normal and not conducive to a good husband-wife
relationship.

In other days, the mother always was responsible for the care of the
home, and boys and girls knew that it was her job to mend clothes,
prepare meals, wash diapers and clean the house. Today, husbands of
working wives often do all of these tasks. Their youngsters have a
difficult time in determining where Father's job begins and ends, and
where Mother's function begins and ends. But as we have seen, a human
being's full development can come only if he knows clearly what is
expected of him as an adult. Boys must know what a man's work is. Girls
must know how mothers should act. When there is a vast neutralized
area, neither clearly masculine nor feminine, the sexual development of
youngsters and their ability to comprehend their own responsibility in
marriage are impaired. One of the great causes of marital unhappiness
is the uncertainty of partners as to their respective roles. This
confusion was first created in their childhood experience.

In view of the fact that her act of working outside the home downgrades
her husband, his resentment might often be expected. Researchers of the
Marriage Council of Philadelphia found this to be a fact. They studied
the causes of troubled marriages referred to them for help, and they
concluded positively that tensions in a home tend to increase when both
partners produce incomes. The largest number of disagreements centered
around management of the house, finances, the wife's job, the husband's
work, the sharing of household tasks and the upbringing of the
children. The researchers concluded flatly that the very existence of
the marriage is threatened if a wife works against her husband's
wishes.


Harm to the family unit. A working mother may cause more subtle damage
to the family unit. For instance, if she works merely to improve
material standards of living and not from sheer necessity, she may tend
to put false values in first place. The family may come to believe that
a new rug, steak on the table instead of hamburger, or clothes that
reflect the latest decrees from Paris all are necessary to the
enjoyment of life. Such standards may accustom her children to view
life's successes and failures from a materialistic point of view. They
thus may be taught, by example if not by word, to put spiritual and
emotional values in a lower place.

Once materialism takes over in a home, the birth-control mentality
almost surely follows. When a mother works to raise her family's living
standards, she may more easily succumb to the temptation to prevent the
birth of a new life which would force her to quit her job and thus
lower her standard of living. Or if she becomes pregnant, the child may
be held responsible for reducing the family income--and may never
receive the loving acceptance which is his right. Family limitation
almost always goes hand in hand with the young working mother. The
great tragedy of this arrangement is that it deprives children of
brothers and sisters who contribute to a well-rounded and affectionate
family life.


Harm to herself. The harm a working mother does to her children and her
husband may be equaled by that she does to herself. First, she takes
the risk that once she gets a job--even a temporary one--she will not
be able to become a full-time homemaker again. As millions of working
wives can testify, it is all too easy for a family to live up to its
new income.

One mother, by no means atypical, once took a sales clerk's position to
earn extra money for Christmas. She boarded her two small children,
four and two years old, with her married sister who lived a mile away.
Thanks to her earnings, her children had better clothes and her husband
purchased expensive photographic equipment he had always wanted. After
Christmas, however, the family was as badly off financially as before,
and the mother decided to continue working--just for a few months more,
of course. But soon the family was spending the additional income as
soon as it came in. The husband was a salesman who could take days off
at his convenience--without pay--and now that his wife had a dependable
income, his days off became increasingly frequent. Before long the
family depended as much upon the mother's earnings as they had upon the
father's. The children continued to spend their days under their aunt's
care. It is now eleven years since the mother took her "temporary" job.
Her husband has become steadily lazier and her children respond less
warmly to her than to her sister. She has been trapped into a lifetime
of unrewarding drudgery.

The emotional harm that working mothers may do to themselves is often
overlooked. One group of researchers interviewed young mothers and
found that 64 per cent cited neglect of their home, their family and
their housework as the main disadvantages of working. It would be an
odd mother who did not feel concern when she went to a place of
business leaving her sick child behind to be cared for by someone else.
Few mothers can remain totally serene as they give their young sons
latchkeys so that they can let themselves into the home after school to
spend several hours without adult supervision. Indeed, one psychologist
has described the typical working mother as a person subject to
opposing pressures--the pressure to concentrate all her energies and
efforts on succeeding at her outside job, and the pressure of being a
good wife and mother. When she devotes herself to business, she cannot
help but be aware that she takes time and energy away from the service
she owes her husband and her children. Few mothers can avoid the
nagging, emotionally harmful sense of guilt that results.

In order to compensate for this time spent away from home, some seem
determined not to let their home and family suffer. After working
outside all day, they plunge into frantic housework, preparing meals,
scrubbing floors, mending clothes--tasks which stay-at-home mothers
perform during the day. By trying to fill two jobs, they often become
so tense that they cannot relax and enjoy their family's company. They
become martyrs to their dual obligations--and their conduct hardly
presents to the child an appealing picture of the burden of motherhood.
It is likely that more than one spinster is unmarried today because she
was determined not to duplicate the life endured by her mother who
worked outside the home by day and inside it far into the night.


Does it really pay mothers to work? Many economists have pointed out
that the actual financial gain achieved by the average working mother
may be considerably less than she imagines. Many go further and state
that she often is not substantially better off financially than if she
remained at home.

Economists of the Department of Agriculture recently interviewed 365
wives with jobs outside their homes. This survey established that for
every dollar a working wife earns, only sixty cents is actually added
to the family's income. The average wife earned $2,200 a year. But she
paid almost one third of that sum--$614--for transportation, lunches
and other items. In addition, she had to pay $184 for laundry, child
care, etc. She also paid $105 for clothing and personal grooming which
she probably would not have needed had she remained at home. Instead of
$2,200, therefore, she actually had only $1,297 to show for her year's
work--before taxes!

Other economists have found that a working mother's expenses may be
much greater even than this survey shows. For instance, taxes must be
deducted from her salary and the government usually takes a greater
percentage from her than from her husband, because the tax rate
increases as family income increases. A typical working woman no longer
has time to prepare low-cost meals or to shop for food bargains. As a
result, her family eats more prepared foods--canned or frozen foods or
restaurant meals--which are naturally more expensive. Out of her
earnings, she often must pay someone to care for her children, and
medical bills tend to shoot up sharply. Unable to care for her children
personally and often distrustful of the person she hired to do so, she
seeks a doctor's advice more often than would normally be the case.
There are also extra expenditures for cleaning help, laundry, and
possibly for the sheer luxuries she feels entitled to because she is
doing two jobs. When these factors are considered, it can be seen that
the working mother often merely changes jobs and does not receive any
substantial financial gain from doing so.


Alternatives to work outside the home. Deploring the fact that more and
more women seek work satisfactions outside their family circle will not
reverse this trend, of course. Women must come to realize anew that
their greatest contribution to God and society, and their greatest
personal accomplishment, can come only when they bring new lives into
existence and teach these beings to walk a path to earthly and eternal
happiness. Frank Gavitt, one of the country's outstanding public
relations executives, has recommended that universities award honorary
degrees to outstanding mothers as they do to distinguished political,
business and professional leaders. His suggestion would help to confer
on motherhood the dignity and prestige it apparently needs before
modern women will give it their total commitment.

It is ironic that a major trend of recent years has been that of "doing
it yourself." It seems that men obtain so few satisfactions from their
work that they develop projects at home to give their creative energies
an outlet. But while fathers return to the home, mothers are neglecting
the creative aspects of home-making. Many of us can remember mothers or
grandmothers who baked bread and cake, canned fruits and vegetables,
and made their own clothing. The work not only saved money but gave a
feeling of worth-while accomplishment. If today's mothers used fewer of
the costly products that take much of the creative joy out of
homemaking, they might contribute almost as much to their families
economically as they do by taking outside jobs.

What about mothers who must work because of real financial need? They
should try to obtain employment which will enable them to be near their
young children when they are needed most--during the daytime. There are
more of such jobs than one might imagine. One mother obtained a
position soliciting magazine subscriptions; she wheels her infant in a
carriage from door to door, meeting his needs whenever they arise.
Another woman runs a "day nursery," caring for the children of
neighborhood mothers who wish to shop in freedom. A mother of three
small children earns the family income as a typist, working at home for
local businessmen while her children play under her supervision. Books
listing hundreds of jobs which mothers can profitably perform in or
near their homes are available at most public libraries.

Mothers of school-age youngsters can find many opportunities for part-
time employment. A typical job is that of sales clerk. Most shoppers
are women with children, and they visit the stores while their own
young ones attend school. Many stores therefore require special help to
handle the extra crowds from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. Women who work during
those hours can see their children off to school and can return home
when they do.

The problem of "moonlighters." Some of the reasons which prompt mothers
to take outside employment also are responsible for the growing number
of "moonlighters"--men who hold jobs at night as well as in the
daytime. According to the Census Bureau, one male employee in twenty
holds a second job.

Like the working mother, the father who holds two jobs can harm the
family unit, his mate, his children, and himself. The family suffers
because in effect it lacks his leadership. The man away from home
sixteen hours a day, who returns only to sleep and to eat a quick meal
or two, hardly gives the personal example which his children need to
learn to be adults. When mother and children do not see the father
except when he is asleep, they cannot be said to have a real family at
all.

The wife suffers, because she is denied her husband's companionship. As
is pointed out in detail in "The Catholic Marriage Manual," mothers are
justifiably tired of childish company after a long day spent
exclusively with their little ones. They have a right to expect the
attention, companionship and affection of their mates for at least a
few hours of the twenty-four-hour period. The man who is busy earning
money may love his wife and may want to make life easier for her. But a
willingness to spend his free hours with her, even at the expense of
material comforts, would be a greater indication of his affection--and
would do far more for her.

The "moonlighter's" children suffer because they lose the opportunity
of knowing their father at leisure. It is usually only after his day's
work is done and the evening is at hand that he can talk to his
children--recount his own experiences, prepare them for their future,
and instill standards of conduct that will guide them throughout their
lives. It is the father who gives his son his ideals and ideas of
manhood and who teaches his daughter by example what to expect in her
own husband when she marries. By his absence for prolonged periods,
therefore, the "moonlighter" may be denying his children direction and
example as much as does the father who does not live at home.

Nor should we overlook the fact that the man who holds two jobs for
long periods may cause intense physical harm to himself. When he must
bolt his meals to get from one job to another, when he works such long
hours that he cannot get adequate sleep, when his schedule denies him
any opportunity for recreation, he increases his nervous tension and
susceptibility to the many diseases, such as heart trouble, high blood
pressure and ulcers, which result at least partially from an inability
to develop relaxed habits of living. The man who "moonlights" over a
long period of time certainly will find that some, if not much, of his
increased earnings must be used to pay doctors' bills.

We Americans make a fetish of our high standard of living. Advertisers
and others bombard us with the concept that we can achieve happiness
only if we have a better house, richer food, thicker rugs, more
powerful cars than those commonly possessed even ten years ago.
Acceptance of this false set of values is generally what prompts the
mother to work and the father to "moonlight." They overlook the basic
fact that a family's essentials for life--food, shelter, clothing--can
generally be obtained on the father's salary. When misguided ambition
makes it necessary for the mother to work or the father to take a
second job, the family achieves not true happiness but only a few
materialistic substitutes for it.



CHAPTER 12: WHAT WILL YOUR CHILD DO IN LIFE?

NOT long ago, newspapers told the story of a twenty-seven-year-old man
who had shot and killed his father. In prison, the man defiantly
explained why he had done it. Throughout his life, he had been
interested in teaching as a career. But whenever he mentioned his
aspiration, his father ridiculed it and told him that he must enter the
family business. After completing a college course in business
administration at his father's dictation, the young man was placed at
work in the family store. It was evident that he was not equipped to do
the kind of sales work necessary for success in the business, but his
father drove him on with ridicule. Finally, he could stand it no longer
and in frustrated rage performed the deed which shocked the public
everywhere.

Like most occurrences which reach print, this was an extreme case. Few
men kill their fathers because of differences over their careers, and
few fathers callously demand that their children pursue vocations
unsuited to them. Yet this story serves the useful purpose of pointing
out that parents should give intelligent and sympathetic consideration
to their child's ambitions.

Another moral of the tragedy cited is, of course, that every person
should decide his own course in life. A consistent objective of his
training as a child, adolescent, and young adult should be to enable
him ultimately to be completely free in the sense that he can make his
own decisions and accept complete responsibility for them. Thus he
alone should choose his life work, because its success or failure will
depend upon him only. He alone has the intimate knowledge of his
talents, motives and aspirations required to make a choice and to
succeed in what he chooses.

But while your child must in the final analysis select this vocation by
himself, you can help him to determine what his objectives should be.
Indeed, as a conscientious parent, you must do so. You must take a part
in formulating standards which will guide him regardless of whether his
future station, in the eyes of the world, is high or low.

Your child will often ask you what you want him to be when he grows up.
By your answers, you can implant ideals which will serve as his own
guideposts. Moreover, you can help him recognize the importance of high
objectives by your own daily conduct. A father will strongly influence
his son's choice of a life work by his attitude toward his own
occupation; by the respect he shows to priests, brothers, doctors,
teachers and others who give of themselves to serve mankind; by his own
attitudes about the monetary rewards of work and the things that money
will--and will not--buy. Likewise, a mother will influence her son and
daughter by the amount of cheer she radiates as she does her daily
household tasks; by the way she greets the nuns at school, whether it
be with deference or indifference; by her attitudes toward neighbors
and acquaintances with greater or fewer material possessions than she
has.


Any worthy vocation should fulfill three requirements.

1. It must help your child save his soul. At the very least, it must
not, by its nature, constitute a hazard to salvation.

2. It should serve mankind in some constructive way. As an extreme
example, the young man who inherited a large sum of money and decided
to devote his life exclusively to his own pleasure could hardly be said
to have a worthy objective. Nor could the young woman who hoped to
marry and practice artificial birth control so that she could lead a
social life unhampered by the responsibilities of parenthood.

3. The work should be within his capabilities. The youth who is helped
to select a kind of work in which he has a reasonable chance of making
progress is also more likely to achieve his first and second objectives
as well.

It is worth noting carefully that this listing of basic objectives
omits such goals as wealth, glory, power and similar allurements. For
implicit in this listing of worthy objectives is the teaching of Jesus:
"For what does it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, but suffer
the loss of his own soul?" (St. Matthew 16:26) The emphasis is on true
and lasting values--"treasures in heaven, where neither rust nor moth
consumes, nor thieves break in and steal." (St. Matthew 6:20) The Bible
teaches us that "covetousness is the root of all evil" (1 Timothy 6:10)
and that it is "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle
than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.' (St. Matthew
19:24) Not only does an ambition to achieve wealth for its own sake
violate Our Lord's repeated teachings; it is not even suitable as a
worldly ambition. One can search in vain for the man whose riches have
brought even earthly happiness; the rich who achieve the serenity of
those less favored financially usually do so only by using their wealth
to serve others.

When you encourage your child to keep these three objectives constantly
before him, you do not limit his number of choices in any substantial
way. He can achieve all of his great goals--attain salvation, perform
tasks which benefit mankind, and properly use his God-given talents--in
either the religious or secular life.


The religious life. If your child accepts the ideals of creative
service which you have implanted, he or she will be more receptive to a
call to serve as a priest, brother or sister, should such be God's
will. And if the call is heard and heeded, rejoice; by Divine plan,
your child has been offered the privilege, for which few humans are
chosen, of devoting a life to the complete, unquestioning service of
the Creator and of participating in the noblest work of mankind.

You should not try to force your children into a religious life, or to
assume that a vocation exists when it actually does not. Equally, you
should not try to discourage a child to whom the religious life
appeals. What, then, is the proper environment to provide? It is simply
a natural, Catholic home--one in which you and your children experience
your faith as a vital factor in your daily lives; where you demonstrate
the importance of your spiritual beliefs and show proper respect,
admiration and gratitude to persons in the religious life. In such a
home, a child will learn that the standards for a priest, brother or
sister are high--but not so high that a normal boy or girl with a
wholesome Catholic upbringing cannot, with all modesty, aspire to them.

How can one know if he or she is being called to a religious life? The
answer may be found in part by considering the physical, mental,
emotional and spiritual requirements for priests, brothers or sisters.
A religious must be in reasonably good health, because demands of this
life are often more rigorous than those of secular professions. For the
priesthood, teaching brotherhood or sisterhood, the prospective
candidate needs a good--but not necessarily exceptional--mentality. But
even youngsters with a less gifted mentality may serve in religious
orders as workers in the kitchens, in hospitals, as helpers to
missionaries and in other ways.

The prospect must also have at least a normal amount of piety, along
with spiritual and emotional qualities which encourage his superiors to
hope that he can advance in grace in the religious life. He must have a
sense of service--a willingness to sacrifice his own comforts and even
his life, if need be, for others. He should be optimistic and
enthusiastic--a buoyant spirit will enable him to establish great goals
for his work and to triumph over the inevitable disappointments which
threaten his achievement of them. He will need unusual strength of
will--he must always keep his mind fixed upon his vocation and resist
temptations which threaten to blind him.

The most important quality of all, however, is a voluntary desire to
serve Our Lord in the religious life. It is this desire, instilled by
God, and combined with the other qualities outlined above, which is
evidence of a vocation. When these conditions exist in a young person,
God is saying that He will have the boy or girl in His service. The
young person may, by the exercise of free will, accept or reject the
call.


Can Catholic parents thwart a religious vocation? This question should
not need to be asked. But it must be asked, because parents who
consider themselves good Catholics in other respects sometimes openly
ridicule aspirations toward a religious life or even forcibly prevent
their child from entering a seminary or convent.

Many reasons are given for this animosity toward a religious vocation-
For instance, their child is "too young to make up his own mind." This
suggestion overlooks the fact that a youngster enters a seminary,
religious house or convent only to train for a religious course, and
never takes final vows until he is old enough to assume full personal
responsibility for his decision--usually at the age of 25 or more.

"It is not an appealing kind of life." Parents base this statement upon
their own interests and preferences--not upon those of their child.
Obviously, the young person finds strong appeal in a religious life,
else he would not consider it. Moreover, if the life is as unappealing
as the parents picture it, the child has ample opportunity to discover
this for himself and withdraw from training with good grace.

"My child knows nothing about life and does not know what he would miss
in a religious vocation." If this argument were valid, the person who
decided to become a doctor would first be encouraged to spend several
years as a sea captain or merchant mariner, visiting the ports of the
world. Only then would he know what he was giving up by starting a
practice which would confine him to one place. To carry the analogy
even further, the girl who intended to get married should first become
a nun, for the nun experiences many compensations which the wife
misses.

"Once he joins a religious community he will be lost to us for life."
This argument also lacks validity, because parents usually do not
object to other careers in which a similar loss might ensue. For
example, the young man who makes the Army his career might be
transferred to overseas bases and would see his parents much less
frequently than if he were a priest or brother. Since World War II,
Americans have moved around at a faster rate than ever before and it is
not uncommon for a young man or woman to marry and set up a home
thousands of miles from where the parents live. Few parents would
actively object to the marriage of a son or daughter on those grounds.

What should you do when your child expresses an interest in the
religious life? In the first place be grateful that God has blessed
your own family life by giving you a potential religious. Certainly the
presence of a priest, brother or nun in a family is often as much a
reward to parents for their efforts in God's behalf as it is due to any
special qualification in the candidate himself. If your instinctive
reaction to the call is one of joy and thanksgiving, you manifestly
possess a healthy Christian outlook. If, on the other hand, you resent
or reject the stirring of a religious vocation in the soul of your
young one, you should take stock of yourself. In either case, permit
him the basic privilege of making up his own mind about so vital a
question. Encourage him to think about his vocation and to seek advice
from priests, brothers or sisters who can discuss its rewards and
difficulties most effectively and intelligently. Provide him with good
spiritual reading--Catholic books, magazines and newspapers--from which
he will learn about the many kinds of service a religious may perform.
See to it that he consults a priest immediately. Pray that he will see
God's will and follow it--and that you will accept God's will as well.
If he does embark upon a religious life, always remember him in your
prayers. For the religious, no less than the layman, must fight against
his human nature in order to achieve his own salvation.


Marriage and the single state. Obviously, most boys and girls will not
be called to a religious life. Their vocation will be to serve God and
their fellow men as husband or wife or in the single state. Regardless
of their state in life, they should be taught to approach it with the
sense of reverence and respect that the priest, brother and nun
manifest for a religious vocation.


How can you best prepare your child for the vocation of marriage?

First, by giving him the example of your own lives. As he observes you
and your mate in your everyday experiences, he can readily agree that
marriage is an institution in which mutual love and respect thrive, and
is a means by which he may achieve earthly happiness as well as eternal
salvation.

Secondly, by making it plain to your children precisely what marriage
is. It should not be regarded merely as a convenient arrangement which
two persons can enter without preparation. Rather, it is a lifelong
sacramental contract involving serious responsibilities and producing
great rewards. Children should know that a husband and wife must be
prepared to procreate and educate children to take an ultimate place in
the Kingdom of God.

The parent who loves his children and takes pleasure in training them
in right conduct gives the best possible testimonial to marriage. On
the other hand, the parent who constantly complains about his physical,
financial or emotional burdens breaks down his youngster's vision of
marriage as a worthy state in life.

While marriage makes a glorious vocation in which the opportunity to
serve God through parenthood is second only to that of the religious
life, your child would not have a true choice if he were taught that it
is the only course open for a person who remains in the world. Some
mothers make this mistake in teaching daughters especially, and it is a
mistake to which society contributes by giving an unpleasant
connotation to the term "spinster." Numerous conditions are worse than
living in a single state, as any person chained to an intolerable
marriage might affirm.

There are many reasons why a person might remain unmarried. For
instance, he might choose to care for dependent parents. His choice
should be voluntary, however; parents should never encourage a child to
refrain from marriage because of their selfish interests. A man or
woman may be unable to find a suitable partner; by refusing to marry
simply for the sake of marriage, he or she exercises admirable
prudence. Or the man or woman might be unwilling to accept the
responsibilities of marriage. One who, rightly or wrongly, feels
inadequate to train children, for instance, makes a wiser choice in
remaining unmarried than one who marries and then practices birth
control.


Ambitions for the laity. The fact that most young men and women will
spend their lives in the world does not mean that they should not be
fully dedicated to the ideal of serving God and man. In fact, this
ideal can be brought to almost every occupation.

Our society needs teachers who will zealously help young persons
achieve a sense of the true values in life. It needs writers who will
uplift man and awaken him to his highest aspirations, as opposed to
many who emphasize the degraded aspects of life. It needs men who will
bring selfless dedication into public service and labor unions. It
needs nurses, hospital workers, scientists, businessmen who place human
values above those of the cash register.

One could cite almost innumerable illustrations of dedicated workers
who benefit mankind in a spiritual, physical or emotional way. The
laboratory researcher who puts self-interest aside to search for a
cancer cure is truly a successful man, regardless of the amount on his
pay check. The young woman who becomes a librarian to implant a love of
good reading in young people makes far better use of her talents than
if she took some other job simply because the salary was greater. The
salesman who chooses to sell a product which will benefit humanity,
even though his earnings are less than they would be if he sold a
harmful one, brings worthy ideals to his work.

Father James Keller, M.M., director of the Christophers (18 East 48
Street, New York 17, New York) has made millions of Americans aware of
the tremendous amount of good that one dedicated person can do. The
Christophers aim to encourage each individual to show a personal,
practical responsibility in restoring the love of Christ to the
marketplace and to government, education, literature, entertainment and
labor unions. They emphasize the importance of positive, constructive
action and have adopted the slogan, "Better to light one candle than to
curse the darkness." Father Keller has encouraged countless thousands
to undertake less glamorous, lower-paying jobs in order better to serve
in Christ's name. "Individuals who pursue this unpopular path receive a
recompense which is a foretaste of the everlasting joy of heaven," he
states.

He lists nine considerations which you should strive to impress upon
your children and which you yourself might apply. These are:


1. You are important. You, as a distinct human being, have been created
in God's image. All of humanity is nothing more than you over and over
again.

2. No substitute for you. God has assigned to you a special mission in
life which He has given to no one else. No matter how small it may seem
to you or others, it is important in His sight.

3. Don't cheat others. The Lord sends blessings to some people through
you. If you fail to pass them on, you deprive others of what is
rightfully theirs.

4. You are needed. If everyone figured "I don't count," imagine what
disastrous consequences could result.

5. Spiritualize your least efforts. Begin to be a Christopher or
Christ-bearer by serving others in small ways. Remember Christ said
that if you do no more than give a "cup of cold water" for his sake
(Matt. 10:42) you shall gain an everlasting reward.

6. Start in your home. If you develop a sense of personal
responsibility in your own home, school, business and every other
place, you will soon wish to reach out to wider horizons.

7. Don't bury your talent. Even if God has given you only one talent,
put it to work for the good of others. Don't be like the man in the
Gospel who said: "And being afraid I went and hid the talent in the
earth." (Matt. 25:25)

8. For better or worse. What you do--by prayer, word and deed--to see
that God's will is done "on earth as it is in heaven" affects the well-
being of everyone to some degree. Yes, the world itself can be a little
better because you have been in it.

9. You count as one. When tempted to play down your own individual
importance, recall this old saying: "I am only one, but I am one. I
cannot do everything, but I can do something. What I can do, I ought to
do. And what I ought to do, by the grace of God, I will do."


Even if a person is forced by economic necessity to take work which
does not permit him to exercise his influence as fully as he might, he
can still accomplish much in his spare time. A mother works in her
parish library a few hours each week, making possible the dissemination
of inspiring books and reading to her community. A man who played on
his varsity football team in college spends his Saturdays coaching
sixth-graders in the parish school. A bookkeeper by day runs for office
as a member of a village board, because he feels that the board needs
greater religious motivation in its actions. A group of parents
persuade newsdealers in their town to remove from their shelves
lascivious magazines and books which are a source of temptation to
young people. Concerned by the complete ignoring of God in her
community's public schools, a woman campaigned for a year and a half
and finally succeeded in having plaques bearing the words "In God We
Trust" installed in eighteen institutions. Noticing that inadequate
care was provided for patients in their community hospital, a group of
high school seniors became nurses' aides, bringing a touch of Christ's
charity to patients who desperately needed it. Thousands of similar
examples could be cited. They indicate what can be done when an
individual is motivated by ideals of service, and they also suggest the
sense of dedication which you can instill in your children by teaching
and example.


The child who "disappoints." Probably every parent expects, or at least
hopes, that his child will do great things with his life. The common
statement that every American boy has a chance to be President reflects
not only our democratic processes, but also the kind of aspiration in
every parent's heart.

One need not look far to observe parents' "disappointments." The
youngster who was going to become a lawyer instead takes a job low in
prestige. The mother who hoped that her son might become a priest is
disappointed when he shows no tendencies in that direction. The father
who expected his son to enter his profession may discover that his son
prefers an entirely different occupation.

All of these "disappointments" stem from the parent's failure to
recognize that the child is an individual with a right to make up his
own mind. Since he, and not you, must choose, it follows that you
should not be chagrined if he selects a career which you have not
anticipated for him. There is only one occasion when parents should be
disappointed in a child's free choice of a vocation. That is when he
adopts and pursues a career that hinders him in his struggle for
salvation. In considering your child's life work, always remember the
basic reason why he was born. He was created to know, love and serve
God in this world and to be happy with Him in the next. Any work which
enables him to achieve that objective is truly a noble vocation.



CHAPTER 13: HOW TO HANDLE YOUR TEEN-AGER

TWENTY-FIVE years ago a book on the upbringing of children could skip
lightly over problems of youngsters in their teen years. There would
necessarily be a discussion of physical and emotional changes as
children reach the age of puberty, but in general adolescence was
considered to be merely an extension of childhood, and the problems of
teen-agers were thought to be only slightly more acute than those of
eight- or nine-year olds. Today, of course, a book that failed to
consider adolescence in detail would be held lacking in an important--
and according to some people, the most important--respect.

No one can read current newspapers or magazines without concluding that
the adolescent and his mannerisms are a major problem of our times.
Stories of juvenile delinquency hit us from all sides. Scrapes of teen-
age drivers; the defects of high school students, who, the experts tell
us, are poorly educated, ill-mannered, badly fed; horrifying statistics
on teen-age pregnancies--all emphasize why parents have become so
concerned about this stage of their children's development.

Visit your public library and you will find shelves sagging with books
which strive to enlighten parents about ways to cope with adolescents.
A common theme is one which tells parents how they can "get along" with
their teen-agers. This is highly significant. It highlights the fact
that conditions have so changed that parents must study ways of
adjusting to the demands of their children, rather than the other way
around. The very existence of titles such as these strongly suggests
where the "problem of adolescence" truly lies. In fact, so much has
been written about the responsibilities of parents to their teen-agers-
-and the difficulties of adjusting to the demands of young people--that
some mothers and fathers look ahead to their child's pubescence with
genuine horror.

How modern conditions vary from those of even a generation ago is
revealed dramatically by the fact that one of the most comprehensive
sociological studies of American life, "Middletown," published in 1929,
in its chapter on education in a typical city does not even mention the
existence of a teen-age problem. Moreover, eight years later--in 1937--
the authors returned to the scene of their study to determine what
changes the depression had wrought. Again, although their other
findings were exhaustive, they omitted mention of adolescent
delinquency. This evidence, plus recollections by modern adults of
their own teen years, supports the statement that never before have
parents faced such a problem with adolescents as exists today. And the
ramifications of this problem exist on all levels of life--spiritual,
emotional, physical.

What has occurred within recent years to create the "teen-age crisis"
and to cause many mothers and fathers to admit that they do not know
what to do next?

Many factors have been at work. One is that the modern youngster is
exposed to more outside influences than his predecessors, and that he
learns the facts of adult life much earlier. For example, he may spend
twenty or more hours before a television screen each week. He is
exposed to adult situations and learns about courtship and the sexual
relationship. He begins dating at an earlier age; as we shall see in
Chapter 14, many parents actually encourage their elementary school
children to date, and "going steady" has become a standard procedure in
many high schools. There is also an increasing tendency of Americans to
marry earlier; the average age of the modern bride is only twenty.

What used to be characteristic of young men and women in their late
teens and early twenties--their strong desire for good times and
preoccupation with their own interests--has been passed on to the teen-
agers. A generation ago, high schools forbade smoking by students;
today some institutions set aside smoking rooms for them. The family of
a generation ago considered itself fortunate if it owned an automobile;
now a high percentage of teen-agers drive their own cars, and the
planner of a new high school must allow acres of space for parking.

The modern youngster also has more money to spend on himself. According
to Eugene Gilbert, a researcher who specializes in exploring interests
of young people, the average adolescent had only about $2.50 a week to
spend in 1944. He derived this total both from his parents and his own
earnings. Today the typical teen-ager spends almost $10 a week. Even
after allowances for inflation, this figure reflects not only an
increase in the amount he receives from his parents, but also his
ability to get high pay for jobs like baby-sitting, lawn-mowing and
car-washing. As a result, he often spends more money on luxuries than
do his parents. The Motion Picture Association of America recently
conducted a survey which revealed that more than half of all the
patrons of movie theaters in a typical summer week were under twenty
years of age. Makers of cosmetics have found that most of their
business comes from adolescents, and many manufacturers of phonograph
records would probably face bankruptcy without them.

Each year, America's 17,000,000 teen-agers are estimated to spend
almost $10,000,000,000 which they have earned or received as
allowances. This great spending power gives them a feeling of
independence. Moreover, advertisers have been quick to note the
potentialities of the huge adolescent market. As a consequence,
youngsters are encouraged to consume products which parents
traditionally have opposed their using. For example, the manufacturers
of one brand of cigarettes depict smokers with schoolbooks under their
arms. The implication--that it is permissible for high-schoolers to
smoke--is unmistakable. Another cigarette firm studied the prevailing
musical tastes of teen-agers to guide its choice of songs for the radio
and television programs it sponsors. A beer advertiser shows young
people enjoying his product while on the type of date that teen-agers
might have. In effect, therefore, many businessmen who deplore teen-age
activities in one area foster it in another by encouraging youngsters
to spend their money for products of which parents generally
disapprove. Business has a vested interest in "teen-age rebels."

A third, and perhaps most important, reason, for the emergence of
adolescence as the "problem age" is that today's youngster lacks the
security which previous generations felt. He lives with a gnawing fear
that he may be forced to fight in the most terrible of all wars, and
that the society in which he is growing up may not even exist for his
lifetime. No other generation has ever foreseen its possible
annihilation in an atomic holocaust.

Even without threats of a civilization-destroying war, modern youngsters
would have reason to feel insecure because of other revolutionary
changes in our lifetime. Fifty years ago, a boy could usually expect to
follow his father's occupation, and a girl knew that her future would
lie either in the religious life or in the home. A father and mother
could train their child from an early age in the type of work he would
do as an adult. He could face his future with confidence that, thanks
to their help, he would be competent in his occupation. Today, however,
society considers it ignoble if a youngster does not aspire to a
"better" place in life than his parents held. The shoemaker's son must
try to become a doctor; the daughter of a successful, happy housewife
must aspire to a career as well as motherhood. Geoffrey Gorer, the
famous British anthropologist, has noted that the American father is
considered a success only to the extent that the son advances to a
social rank above his. As Mr. Gorer wrote in his study, "The American
People," father never knows best. He expects his son to know more than
he does.

But in inspiring our children to move upward in social position, we ask
them to enter uncharted areas where we cannot guide them. The father
who began to work at fourteen and who now is asked to help his
youngster master the high school subjects of algebra and Latin cannot
perform a service which fathers have traditionally performed. Thus,
when you ask your son to attain a superior position in life you may
also be urging him to put you aside as his guide. For how can you help
him travel unknown fields that lie ahead, when you yourself have not
traveled them?

These three pressures--the earlier awareness in today's youngsters of
the many facts of life, the pressures exerted upon them by advertisers
and others, and the requirement that they reject their parents as they
advance in the "American way of life"--all contribute to making
adolescence of the present day a more difficult time for youngsters and
their parents than ever before.


Physical and emotional changes of adolescence. Even under the best
circumstances--those in which no external forces speed up the normal
tendency of the adolescent to strive for emancipation from his parents-
-factors within himself would tend to make this a period of stress.
These factors are mainly physical and emotional.

The physical changes involve the development of glands which are
necessary for the performance of the sexual act. This development
sometimes throws the system out of balance and causes moodiness,
irritation and outburst ranging from exhilaration to depression. The
male glands become capable of producing semen, the fluid ejaculated by
the penis in the act of copulation. At the same time, the boy develops
the external signs of manhood--enlargement of his sexual organs, growth
of hair on his face and various parts of his body, the deepening of his
voice. Similar glandular changes occur within a girl. Her breasts
develop and she begins to menstruate--the sign that her body is
acquiring the capability of motherhood.

As these events occur, the adolescent experiences an awakening of
sexual desire. This is a new and sometimes frightening experience. The
boy will discharge seminal fluids in his sleep, perhaps with erotic
dreams as an accompaniment. Unless his father has prepared him for the
discharge by telling him that it is nature's way of harmlessly
releasing these fluids, the boy may fear that his masculinity is
defective. A girl may also have dreams of a sexual nature, and may feel
a strong sense of guilt unless her mother has taught her that they are
normal, natural and not sinful.

Even when boys or girls have a clear understanding of the physical
changes of adolescence, they cannot be made completely aware of how the
changes will affect them. The first stirrings of sexual desire and the
youngster's realization that they must now resist sexual temptation on
their own responsibility are experiences so intimate that no one could
fully prepare them for it. If they cannot curb temptation and turn
their minds to safe thoughts when it threatens, or if they succumb to
the temptation, they may develop a keen sense of guilt and despair
about their future. In particular, young persons who have masturbated
may mistakenly believe that they have thereby impaired their ability to
function as men and women in the marital act.

Emotional changes during adolescence are equally profound. A boy's
budding physical powers encourage him to look ahead to his manhood, and
he now discovers that he can make many decisions independently of his
parents. For instance, once he enters high school, he usually can
remain away from home from early morning until dinnertime without
having to report in detail as to his whereabouts. He may have an
independent source of income, possibly derived from delivering papers
or working at a store on Saturdays, while his sister earns money by
baby-sitting. Often he will select his own clothes, and possibly even
pay for them out of his earnings. Away from home during lunch hours and
on Saturdays, he can decide what food to eat. He enjoys his new
independence and quite naturally wants more of it.

But his parents remember his complete childish dependence of a few
years ago. They are not ready to believe that he can handle his
obligations maturely. Thus they tend to deny him freedoms which he
thinks he should have. He would like to attend a theater with friends
and return about midnight; his parents know that since he must arise
early the next morning, he will need more sleep. They insist that he
return at 10:30, and he complains that they are trying to keep him a
baby. Similar conflicts arise over how he wears his clothes and
maintains his room, how much food he eats for breakfast, and so on. He
fights constantly for independence while his parents struggle to retain
their authority.

Unfortunately, neither the adolescent nor his parents usually know how
much emancipation should be allowed. The parents realize that he should
achieve complete independence at about the age of twenty-one, but they
may not be sure how much of it to permit at sixteen. A great deal of
confusion and inconsistency results. A boy is told in one instance that
he is not old enough to take an overnight trip with classmates, yet too
old to expect his mother to help him keep his room neat. His parents
urge him to develop confidence in his own opinions and not to be swayed
by others without good reason. Yet they are dismayed when he stands by
his convictions and refuses to agree with them on some important
matter. On the other hand, he acts as though any parental controls over
his conduct are no longer necessary. Yet he is uncertain of his ability
to control himself. And he feels let down when, for instance, he stays
out later at night than he should and his parents do not reprimand him.


Emotional needs of adolescents. A wise teacher once observed that the
best aid a parent can have in training a teen-ager is a good memory. He
meant that if you can recall your own doubts and indecisions, your
striving for independence, your rebellion because your parents would
not give you the emancipation you sought, and above all, the stresses,
strains and temptations of your own teen years, you will be able to
deal much more sympathetically with your youngster. Some parents are
guilty of precisely what their children accuse them of--they have
forgotten that they too were once young, inexperienced and troubled by
secret fears of inadequacy and failure. If you recall your own
adolescent problems, you will more readily give your child four basic
helps he needs at this critical time.

First, he needs your love. He must know that you have a full,
unqualified interest in his welfare and a confidence in his worth as a
human being. The need for this love has been well expressed by Father
Robert Claude, S.J., in his excellent booklet, '"The Training of the
Adolescent." Father Claude states:


An atmosphere of affection and understanding is absolutely
indispensable in the training of the adolescent.

Adolescence is as a flower that is opening upon life, a flower that
needs the sun of love for its full blooming. All training, of course,
must be accompanied by kindness, for more flies are caught with honey
than with vinegar. And this is particularly true of the age at which a
young person first becomes conscious of love and realizes for the first
time the importance of this emotion.

Besides, in the solitude with which he surrounds himself, the
adolescent is more than ever eager for the solace of affection.
Affection will encourage him to give you his confidence, and without
that no true training is possible. The adolescent who is taken to task
in a matter of discipline is on the watch for the least kind word, the
smallest sign of sympathy, to apologize and admit his fault. However,
if he feels that he stands before an indifferent tyrant who thinks only
of strict discipline, he freezes into an attitude of obstinate revolt.

Be patient, devoted, affable, and that with a gentle smile.

The love you must show has to be founded on understanding and esteem.
Esteem: Never forget that you have before you a being who is about to
enter on the most serious part of his life, a being whose eternal
salvation perhaps is at stake. Esteem him for the magnificent gift of
life that God has given him.

Understanding: Always give your child the impression that you
understand him or at least that you are trying to understand him.
Nothing is more effective in making the adolescent retire into his
shell than the impression that he is not understood. He believes that
he is interesting, he has a high idea of his own worth, and yet his
parents continue to treat him as a child; they seem to be unaware of
the harvest that is preparing. Sometimes they make fun of him, or
simply smile. How often has that smile, the all-too-frequent recourse
of his elders, been the inspiration for secret revolt; how many young
hearts has it wounded and even closed irrevocably to all beneficial
influence from authority!


Secondly, he needs your encouragement. Despite the air of supreme
knowledge which young persons affect, they often inwardly doubt their
ability to handle the problems which they expect to face as adults. In
fact, psychiatrists and psychologists state that the greater the
arrogance, usually the greater the fear of inadequacy that lies beneath
the surface. Thus the typical juvenile delinquent--the insolent youth
who puts up such a bold front before the world--is actually beset by
deep-seated feelings of inferiority which he tries to hide by his
swagger.

Adolescents often worry excessively about their sexual development.
They may fear that they will not be able to function effectively as a
male or female. Many fear that they will not be attractive to the other
sex; a physical condition--enlarged features, skin blemishes, being
taller or shorter, stouter or slimmer than the average--may contribute
to this feeling. Many fear that they will become unpopular with members
of their own sex; they want to do what everyone else does and they will
resist parents' efforts to make them different in any important
respect.

To help your child achieve the feeling of personal worth he needs for
his development, find ways to praise progress he has made. Look for
examples of adult conduct and compliment him for them. In this way, you
will encourage him to continue moving toward independence. For example,
compliment him if he goes to his books at night without your urging.
Especially seek occasions to praise him for spiritual, intellectual and
emotional growth. The teen-ager who voluntarily decides to refrain from
dessert as a sacrifice during Lent evidences admirable self-control
which, in fact, some adults do not possess. If you engage in an
intellectual discussion with him, look for signs indicating a growth of
his reasoning powers and willingly admit it when he scores a good
point. Many a parent wins an argument of no great importance to the
family, and in doing so helps to weaken his child's confidence in his
own thinking processes. Adolescents often are idealistic and have
strong instincts for the underprivileged. Seek occasions to compliment
your boy or girl on this virtue, and point out the great opportunities
which exist to serve mankind in a selfless way.

Thirdly, your child needs responsibility. In this area, perhaps more
than in any other, the typical mother fails. She knows that her child
must ultimately maintain his own room, clothe himself, appear cleanly
dressed before the public and with clean face and hands, wear rubbers
when it rains and a topcoat in cold weather. Yet long after he should
be doing such things for himself, she is either doing them for him or
constantly reminding him to do them. He has no reason or opportunity to
develop responsibility for himself. Such mothers deny that they prevent
their child from achieving independence; they argue that they merely
keep him from making mistakes. They overlook the fundamental point that
most of us learn only from our mistakes--and that when we have to
accept responsibility for them, we soon correct our errors. Mistakes
are the steppingstones to independence; if you would help your child,
you must view with sympathy his fumbling efforts in that direction.

The boy who is personally responsible for how he looks at school may
appear for a few days with hair uncombed, shoes unshined, and shirt
grimy with dirt. Let him spend a few hours in detention, or suffer the
sneers of classmates, and he will soon make certain that his appearance
is more acceptable. In one home, a mother habitually pleaded with her
son to arise early enough each morning so that he might eat a
nourishing breakfast and arrive at high school before the first bell
sounded. Each morning the lad resisted. Soon he was running from the
house with toast in his mouth. One day the mother decided that
thereafter he would face his own responsibilities. The next morning the
boy left home with clothes barely pulled on, without breakfast, and
with no chance of reaching class in time. After a week, however, he
realized that he was an object of scorn because of his sloppy
appearance; that as a result of his failure to eat a good breakfast, he
had headaches all day; and that two hours spent in detention after
school for being late was not worth twenty minutes of extra sleep in
the morning. Forced to accept the responsibility--and consequences--for
his own actions, the boy soon developed an adult attitude. Thus he
completed another step in the process of growing up.

Finally, your child needs direction. Some parents of adolescents find
this fact difficult to believe. Teen-agers often seem to resist all of
their parents' efforts to direct their actions, but their desire for
direction exists, nevertheless. Probably no adolescent is unhappier
than one who knows that he has no parental check over his conduct.

Educators of high school boys and girls attest to their need for
guidance. In discussions among themselves, youngsters frankly admit
that they lack the will power, the experience and the judgment to be
provided with a free rein. Not long ago, a news commentator appeared
before a group of high school students to discuss current events. He
probably thought that he would strike a popular note if he deplored the
"censoring" of reading matter offered for young people. In his view,
high school students should have free access to everything published
and they alone should judge whether or not the material was morally
harmful. The speaker ended his talk and immediately discovered that he
had erred seriously. Far from striking a responsive note, he had set
the youngsters against him. For they vigorously affirmed that they
wanted and needed adult supervision of their reading matter because
they lacked the maturity to choose wisely by themselves.

Another evidence of adolescents' willingness to accept direction is the
enthusiasm with which "teen-age codes" are followed in communities
where they are adopted. These codes are usually devised by committees
of student leaders, sometimes in consultation with parents, and thus
represent the views of responsible young people.

A typical code of social behavior, adopted in Rye, New York, is a model
of good judgment. It opposes open-house parties which i tend to get out
of hand, and advocates only parties to which specific persons are
invited. It emphasizes that one adult must be present at all teen-age
parties. Parties should end at specified times--at 10 P.M. for seventh
graders, 10:30 P.M. for eighth graders, 11 P.M. for high school
freshmen, midnight for sophomores, 12:30 A.M. for juniors. Youngsters
should always tell their parents where they are going and should know
where their parents can be reached at night in an emergency. A girl
should always tell her escort when she must return home and he should
comply.

Another code, devised by the St. Louis Archdiocesan Councils of
Catholic Men and Women, was adopted enthusiastically by teen-agers in
that locality. This code, similar to the one formulated at Rye, also
bans dates at drive-in theaters, alcoholic beverages at teen-age
parties, and steady dating unless there is a possibility of marriage
within a short time. A comment by a St. Louis youth reveals the true
desire of youngsters for firm rules showing how far they may reasonably
go. "More than anything else, the code eliminates confusion," he
commented. "How late a person should stay out, what he should and
shouldn't do--the code settles those questions for us and our parents.
Now all we do is to refer to the book."

This desire for direction is evident in the workings of high school
student governments. When youngsters know the rules and the penalties
for violating them, they have a true feeling of freedom. They know
exactly how far they can go and they expect to be brought back into
line if they cannot control their conduct.

In their response to codes of conduct, and their willingness to be
governed by rules, adolescents deliver a message which parents should
heed. If your teen-ager knows what is expected of him and your demands
are reasonable, and if you make it plain that he will be deprived of
privileges or punished in other ways for violations, you should achieve
highly successful results.


Practical problems of adolescents. It is easier to state a principle
than to apply it. Many parents know all the answers provided in books,
yet seem unable to achieve satisfactory results in training their
adolescents. What is wrong? A review of problems recounted by mothers
and fathers reveals several recurring and fundamental causes.

The first is the unwillingness or inability of parents to recognize
that there is some truth in teen-agers' assertions that conditions have
changed. As we noted earlier, the modern youngster faces a greater
variety of pressures, all applied with a greater intensity, than modern
adults were exposed to. The modern parent probably is shocked to think
that a fifteen-year-old boy attends movies at night unescorted and is
on the city's streets at 11 P.M., or that the high school girl of
seventeen smokes cigarettes while doing her homework. Such incidents,
almost unthought of twenty-five years ago, are commonplace today. A
generation ago, parents could instruct their fifteen-year-old boy to be
home at 9:30 P.M., and could forbid their daughter to smoke until she
reached twenty-one, if at all. The modern parent who sets up rules
based on his own experience and contrary to the common custom, can
expect to encounter resistance.

A second area of difficulty stems from parents' unwillingness to give
responsibility. They sometimes overlook the fact that youngsters have
the same human failings to which adults are prone. This is evident in
the frequent complaint, "My son won't take responsibility." What the
complaining parent overlooks is that the son--like his father and most
other human beings--will not assume a burden if it is unnecessary for
him to do so. Like the rest of us, he is inclined to laziness. But if
you give him the responsibility and make it plain that it is his to
succeed with, or to fail, you will discover that he is capable of
carrying heavier burdens than you imagined.

One sees vivid proof of this fact when the family is suddenly deprived
of the father or mother. The youngsters pitch in and do work that would
have been considered impossible for them before the emergency arose. In
one home with five children, the mother became seriously ill and was
required to spend several months in a sanitarium. The father could not
afford a housekeeper and distributed many of the housekeeping chores to
his two daughters--one fifteen and the other thirteen. When their
mother was home, the girls had seemed to lack every shred of
responsibility. They had to be prodded continually even to make their
own beds and keep their room neat. They resisted all efforts to get
them to help wash the evening dishes and to keep the main rooms clean.
They knew that if they did not do this work, their mother would do it
ultimately.

With the mother hospitalized, however, they realized that they would
have to do the work--or it would not get done. Now that they could not
avoid the responsibility, the change in their attitude was striking.
They performed their tasks with enthusiasm and vied with each other in
preparing tasty meals for the family. The house was as neat as it had
ever been.

When the mother returned, however, it soon became obvious that she
would do any work that her daughters neglected. And so they too soon
reverted to their former ways. Many parents who have found "seven-day
wonders" in their homes when emergencies arose, can recognize the
importance of thrusting responsibility upon youngsters.

This principle--that parents must give responsibility if they wish
adolescents to take it--is often strikingly evident in the way that
youngsters respond to school assignments. As we have noted, a high
school student should be mature enough to carry out his homework
assignments without prodding from his parents. If they must correct his
work every night, they probably have not instilled proper study habits-
-and a sense of personal responsibility--during his formative years in
elementary school. If you canvass parents of students in the upper
quarter of their class, you will probably be unable to find one who
finds it constantly necessary to prod his child to study. The reason is
that the good student has been forced to accept personal responsibility
for his work.

Parents of an irresponsible student find themselves squeezed by
pressures. They realize that he will lose an important advantage in his
adult years if he fails to obtain a college education or, at the very
least, a high school diploma. On the other hand, they note his apparent
unconcern over his lack of scholastic achievement. What should they do?

They may try to nag him to scholastic success, but whether this
procedure ever works is doubtful. Instead, they should make certain
that he is fully aware of the disservice he does to himself by
neglecting his opportunities for education, and they should remove any
conditions standing in the way of his achievement. Does he seriously
worry over his health or that of other members of the family? Is there
a tense or troubled family atmosphere which makes study difficult? Does
he have too easy access to distractions like television, radio or
phonograph, or reading matter not related to school work? Does he lack
a suitable, quiet place for study? You should change this and similar
home conditions which may be responsible for poor schoolwork. You
should make certain, after talks with the school principal or teachers,
that there are no difficulties of a psychological nature in his
relations with the school itself. Then you should put responsibility
for scholastic achievement directly upon your youngster--and let him
know it.

Adolescents also must be taught to accept responsibility for their
spiritual welfare. You must keep a vigilant eye over your youngster's
conduct, of course, but it is also wise to extend the area of his
personal responsibility in spiritual matters, so that as an adult he
will not need others to tell him when to perform his religious duties.
When he reaches his mid-teens, for example, he should be fully
responsible for all of his basic religious obligations--attending Mass
on Sundays and holy days, observing the laws of fast and abstinence,
saying morning and night prayers, obeying regulations covering the
sacraments, etc.

While you must correct him if he does not faithfully perform his
duties, it is usually more desirable to operate on the assumption that
he will meet his responsibilities. The parents in one suburban home
developed a habit of attending the last Mass on Sunday. Their eighteen-
year-old daughter rode the two miles to church with them. But each
Sunday she slept later and later, resisting her mother's efforts to
awaken her, until the parents themselves were reaching Mass late
because they waited for her. Finally, one Sunday, the father told his
daughter that if she was not ready at a specified time thereafter, the
parents would leave without her; if she missed Mass, the sin would be
hers alone. The first Sunday that this procedure was followed, she
refused to arise in time. The parents kept their word and went to
church without her. She arrived in a state of disarray while the priest
was delivering his sermon. The parents were naturally embarrassed but
determined to hold their line. It took a few more weeks for the girl to
realize that attendance at Mass was her entire responsibility. And once
she learned that lesson she was ready to leave with her parents every
Sunday.

When you give responsibility, you must reconcile yourself to the
thought that your youngsters will make many mistakes. Some, like that
of the girl arriving late at Mass, may prove embarrassing. Some, like
that of the high school student who spends his entire allowance on
entertainment and is forced to eat peanuts for lunch all week, may be
foolhardy or stupid. Other steps toward independence, such as your
child taking work in an office where he will be exposed to unknown
influences over which you have no control, may involve a possibility of
danger. But all of these risks are necessary. We all learn by making
mistakes. Only by actual experience can most human beings acquire the
confidence to assume greater responsibility. The parent who says, "I
don't want my son to make the mistakes I did," may truly wish to
protect his youngster from harm. But in quarantining him from mistakes
of any kind he may also be stunting the growth of a personality.



CHAPTER 14: PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR MARRIAGE

IF YOUR child chooses marriage as his state in life, his mate will
exert a tremendous effect upon both his eternal and his earthly
happiness. In fact, your son's relationship with his wife and your
daughter's relationship with her husband may be the decisive ones of
their lives. And while parents today probably have less to say about
whom their children marry than at any time in world history, you can do
much to make your child's relationship a wholesome one.

Even before his first date with a girl, your son will develop a full
set of impressions about the opposite sex. He will form attitudes from
his experiences with his mother and sisters; from watching his father's
treatment of women; and from many other sources. He may regard women as
drudges, placed on earth merely to cater to the superior male. He may
regard them as creatures whom men can never fully understand, and who
should be tolerated at best. He may consider them to be God's fairest
flowers, made to be treated with the utmost care, whose every whim must
be satisfied. Regardless of what he thinks, his impressions will
probably come from the experiences of his home. Your daughter also will
regard the boys she meets in the light of her home experiences with her
father and brothers. Whether she dominates or is dominated, whether she
strives to appeal to males on the basis of her physical attraction, her
intellect or her personality--these too will depend upon what she has
learned about them in her own home.

As it does in so many other areas of life, your influence will exert a
profound effect upon your child's attitudes concerning dating,
courtship and marriage. The man who wrote the popular old song with the
line, "I want a girl just like the girl who married dear old Dad,"
revealed a remarkable insight into psychology, for every boy seeks in a
girl those qualities he has known in his mother, and every girl seeks
those qualities she has seen manifested in her father. This
psychological fact helps to explain why happy marriage tend to go on
from generation to generation, for statistics prove that a young person
from a happy home has a better chance of entering a happy marriage than
if his parents were divorced or separated. There is likewise a
continuity of unhappy marriages: children of divorce are more likely to
enter unions which will end unsatisfactorily. Therefore, although
modern custom decrees that you should not interfere in your child's
choice of a marriage partner, your influence over the selection, while
subtle, will be significant indeed.

Not only by your example, but also by your teaching, you can vitally
affect your child's attitudes toward the other sex, and toward dating,
courtship and marriage generally--and all of these attitudes will, of
course, affect his selection of a partner and his happiness in marriage
itself. Some specific ways in which you can do this are described
below.


Parties and dances. Many parents push their children into social
activities before the youngsters themselves are interested. In the
suburbs, one can observe mothers requiring their nine- and ten-year-old
boys to study dancing and to attend parties with girls, when the boys
themselves actually abhor the company of the other sex. Such parents
wish their children to acquire social graces so that they will learn to
feel at ease in mixed company. But the parents are like horticulturists
who use artificial light or heat to force a plant to bloom before its
normal time; the plant spends its blossoms before those which develop
naturally are in bloom. Children who associate socially with the other
sex at a prematurely early age tend to become engaged and to marry at a
younger age than the average. So it is probably that they do not get to
know more about the opposite sex; instead, they simply learn at an
earlier age.

What is the right age for boys and girls to attend parties and dances?
While parents must bow to some extent to the prevailing customs in
their parish, normal children usually do not feel deprived if their
social life does not start until they reach high school.

All parties and dances should be chaperoned. Adults need not be present
in the room where the party takes place, but they should remain in the
house where they can be inconspicuously alert to what is going on.
Before a party begins, the boys and girls should be told that it will
end precisely at a specified hour. A girl's parents should tell her
escort what time they wish her to be home and he should accept the
responsibility of obeying their instructions. In the chapter on teen-
agers, there is described a typical teen-age code which specifies hours
at which parties should end for various age groups.

Parents who sponsor parties for their youngsters should plan enough
activities so that the guests will not become bored and resort to
kissing games or other pastimes to create excitement. There should be
an ample supply of records, suitable parlor game materials, and other
diversions.


Cautions on dating. In our society, many boys and girls of high school
age go out together on dates. Such occasional dating generally does not
harm the moral or psychological development of the youngster. However,
several important cautions should be observed.

When your youngsters begin to date, stress the importance of avoiding
the kinds of dancing, kissing, and other contacts which might stimulate
sexual desire and thus constitute an occasion of sin. In impressing
their teen-agers with the fact that God has reserved intercourse for
the married, many parents effectively cite other acts which are
restricted only to those who may legitimately perform them. For
example, although a seminarian learns how to say Mass and administer
sacraments, he may not use his knowledge in a practical way until he is
ordained. A medical student who has passed all his courses may not
legitimately practice medicine until he has been officially licensed.

The most effective deterrent to premarital intercourse is a fear of God
and a desire to enter marriage without profaning the organs He has
provided for the sacred act of procreation. Other useful deterrents, in
a secondary way, are appeals to chastity based on worldly reasons. For
example, marriage counselors have found that young men and women who
marry without having violated their chastity have a better chance of
succeeding in marriage, because they have acquired the self-control
which all husbands and wives must practice on many occasions. On the
other hand, the young woman who has engaged in premarital relations
often retains a sense of shame all her life.

Venereal disease often results from intercourse outside of marriage,
and while new drugs have proved useful in treating syphilis and
gonorrhea, these scourges are prevalent to a far greater extent than
most people realize. In fact, venereal disease rates among teen-agers
have shown a steady and shocking rise over the past several years. You
should make your youngsters aware that such a loathsome disease may
result from sinful intercourse. Girls should also be told of the stigma
which attaches to unmarried mothers in the eyes of society. But do not
make this point so forcefully that your daughter may come to consider
the act of marriage itself, when indulged in lawfully, as a possible
source of sin or shame.

Adolescents also have sufficient reasoning power to appreciate that
children who might result from sex outside of marriage would lack
mature parents to care for them. The thought that an innocent child
might suffer all his life because a boy or girl lacks sufficient self-
discipline to refrain from intercourse, is one which youngsters can use
to strengthen their own will.

When boys and girls begin to date, mere warnings about moral and social
dangers may not be sufficient. You should provide safeguards to
eliminate or remove possible occasions of sin. Parents sometimes
believe that youngsters who have received adequate instruction can
always be depended upon to obey the moral law. Unfortunately, young men
and women sometimes are completely unprepared for the powerful urge for
sex fulfillment within them and are swept into sin from what they may
think are innocent beginnings.

Older cultures, wise in the power of the sexual urge, adopted the
custom of the chaperon--the adult who always accompanies young people
on their dates. Modern usage has rendered the idea of the chaperon
distasteful, but a need for supervision exists nevertheless. Try to
prevent situations which enable a boy and girl to be alone together for
any length of time. They should go out in groups, should not sit alone
in parked cars, and should never be left alone together at home.
Sometimes a girl who is baby-sitting seeks to invite a boy to visit
her; such a practice should be strictly prohibited by both her parents
and the couple who hire her.

Another important rule is that there should be no drinking of alcoholic
beverages on any date. A generation ago, young Catholic men and women
often took a pledge to abstain from alcohol until their twenty-first
birthdays. Such a custom if practiced today would save many souls, help
avoid many sins and prevent much heartbreak.

Many youngsters drink on dates because they think it is smart. They are
unaware of the tremendous damage that drinking can do. At the very
least, it provides a stimulation which they do not need; if they need
alcohol to enjoy each other's company during their youth, one shudders
to think what they will find necessary in middle age. It is physically
dangerous, especially when a car is used. Accident statistics confirm
that most fatal accidents at night involve drivers who have been
drinking. Finally, and most dangerously, it deadens the conscience and
releases inhibitions. The boy and girl who drink on dates lose control
over their wills and may fall more easily before the impulse to passion
which constantly lurks beneath the surface.


The importance of modesty in dress. When your son and daughter begin to
date, they will almost certainly be exposed to influences which
encourage immodest dress. Such influences are almost unavoidable in
today's world. Actresses on television and in motion pictures appear in
garments designed to reveal every contour of their bodies. Newspapers
publish pictures of semi-clad women and discuss them in admiring
language. On the beaches and athletic grounds, contestants almost
invariably wear a minimum of apparel.

When the young girl observes that the scantily clad woman seemingly
evokes the greatest admiration, it is perhaps natural for her to want
to dress in a similarly daring way. She should be taught the truth that
men do not want their own loved ones to appear in public in this
fashion. Moreover, the immodestly dressed girl who attracts the
attention of males usually soon discovers that their interest is
entirely selfish and that they lack respect for her as a person. It is
the girl who dresses and acts becomingly, and who is attractive in a
pleasant and unoffensive way, who wins lasting respect and affection.
Your daughter will form a true judgment as to where the lasting values
lie if she realizes that the so-called "glamour girls"--those who
appear in public in revealing costumes--usually are failures as women.
Their record of divorces proves this fact.

Many girls also must be told that their daring dress might be an
occasion of sin to boys. They should know that boys naturally are more
excitable, and may harbor sinful thoughts at the sight of an improperly
dressed girl. This point is discussed in greater detail in Chapter 6.

Boys also can commit offenses against modesty in dress. A present
fashion among adolescents--the practice of wearing trousers that are
too tight and emphasize the contours of the body--may be an occasion of
evil thoughts by girls.

Does the Church's continued warnings against immodest dress mean that
she expects men and women to dress somberly and without attractiveness?
Not at all. For as Monsignor Lawrence B. Casey has pointed out, "the
magazine "Vogue" is not on the index of forbidden books."

A young girl need not walk about with stringy hair, a plain, pale face,
or in the clothing of a widow; she can make herself attractive, using
appropriate cosmetic aids and colorful fabrics. Above all, if she has a
smiling, friendly disposition, it will be reflected in her appearance,
and will make her more attractive than any product from the
beautician's laboratory.

For modern dress, these standards may be a helpful guide: Dresses
should fully cover the upper arm, shoulders, bust, chest and midriff.
They should have sleeves extending at least halfway between the
shoulder and elbow. If they have leaves, nets, or other transparent
material, there should be full cloth coverage beneath. Skirts should
extend to below the knees, and dresses should conceal the outline of
the breasts and other parts of the body.


Going steady. One of the most disturbing trends of postwar America is
the sharp lowering of the age at which boys and girls pair off and
begin to go steady. This phenomenon has been observed by educators and
social scientists throughout the country. For instance, the idea of a
boy in the seventh grade in elementary school taking the same girl to a
movie each week, and returning home at 11 P.M. each time, has become
commonplace in many sections. Many high school freshmen and sophomores
date steadily, which means that they do not feel free to attend any
social events without their "partner." And many juniors and seniors are
virtually, if not actually, engaged; at the age of sixteen or
seventeen, they have apparently already chosen their life mates.

The Church has always maintained that a male and female should not
deliberately confine their companionship to a single member of the
opposite sex--to go steady, in today's language--unless they are
prepared to marry within the very near future. This means that a young
man and woman should not begin to keep company if they will not be
reasonably able to marry and maintain a home within about two years.
Obviously, in our society which requires extensive schooling to fulfill
the normal responsibilities of men and women, the boy and girl of high
school age cannot hope to marry successfully within any such period of
time.

Some parents of teen-agers apparently find it difficult to understand
why priests object so firmly to early dating and going steady. The fact
is that from their vast experience, priests know that early dating
often leads to serious sins of impurity, teen-age pregnancies and
illegitimate births, and to teen-age marriages which have scant hope of
success.

Scores of researchers who have interviewed teen-agers who go steady
report that such youngsters increasingly believe that they are entitled
to take sinful liberties with their boy friends or girl friends. For
example, Eugene Gilbert, a specialist in studying the habits and
opinions of adolescents, made a survey of 5,000 high school students
for "This Week" magazine. He asked the pupils how far they thought a
boy and girl who went steady could go in intimate contact with each
other. Only one teen-ager in ten thought that such a couple should do
no more than kiss. Another one in ten thought that "light necking"
should be permitted, while two in ten thought that petting would be
allowable. The most shocking fact was that six teen-agers in ten
thought that the boy and girl who went steady should be permitted to
engage in "anything they want." In a newspaper poll, fifty teen-age
girls were asked if they petted on dates. Thirty-six replied in the
affirmative, most of them adding that "everyone else does."

The consequences of such beliefs are what one might expect. In November
1958, the "Ladies Home Journal" quoted a high school educator as
saying, "many of our high school girls get married because they have to
get married, and an equal number of girls in school get pregnant every
year but don't get married--they just disappear for a semester and then
come back without any baby. Another high school principal reported. "We
had so many marriages this last year that I can't even keep track of
them. Students start going steady when they're thirteen and during high
school most of the girls are wearing a boy's ring on a necklace. If
they aren't officially engaged by the end of their senior year, they
think their life's ruined."

Largely as a result of the growing practice of going steady in the teen
years, the average age at which Americans marry has become lower and
lower. In 1900, the average American bride was twenty-two; in 1957, she
was twenty, and one bride in three was nineteen or younger. About
300,000 boys and girls under eighteen in the United States are now
married. With rare exceptions, those who enter such early marriages are
ill-equipped emotionally and intellectually to accept the
responsibilities of marriage and parenthood; usually the bride soon
runs home to her mother and the bridegroom runs home to his. If there
are children, the likelihood that the father will desert his family to
evade the responsibilities is greater than in any other age group.

In a significant study made by Dr. Henry Bowman of Stephens College, it
was found that more than half of all broken marriages occurred when the
couples were in a hurry. They started going together when they were too
young, they were too impetuous to investigate the qualities of their
prospective mates, or they married at an earlier age than the average.

Parents who permit--or worse, encourage--their teen-agers to go steady
allow them to be harmed in many other ways. Few young men realize how
terribly their whole future as a bread-winner and provider is being
affected by a serious romantic attachment at an early age. By going
steady, a boy and girl lose the common enjoyment of adolescence of
doing things with a crowd. Through being tied down continually by one
person, a youngster loses the opportunity to meet others of the
opposite sex and to learn how to be congenial with them. Going steady
also tends to discourage the development of gracious, pleasant habits.
The boy and girl usually take each other for granted, and do not feel
that they need extend themselves, make sacrifices or practice their
best behavior in each other's company. Some girls prefer going steady
so that they always will have an escort at social affairs. But when a
teen-age girl places such a premium upon security, she becomes
completely dependent upon her boy friend. It is not unlikely that he
will recognize his position of superiority and demand that she "give in
to him" lest he form an attachment elsewhere.


Kinds of men and women to avoid. Researchers have devoted much time to
studies of thousands of marriage failures, and their findings confirm
the observations and experiences of priests and other authorities that
certain types of men and women are extremely bad risks in marriage.
Young Catholic men and women endanger not only their chances for
earthly happiness but also the salvation of their souls by associating
with such types, with marriage as an immediate or remote prospect.
These types are:

1. Persons who are now married. Of course, Catholics may not wed anyone
now validly married in the eyes of the Church, for a valid marriage is
for life. However, occasionally doubt exists as to whether a marriage
is valid, and the man or woman involved may hope to contract a valid
union when the previous one is annulled. In the vast majority of cases,
such hopes are unrealistic, for of every hundred annulments that are
sought, only about two are granted. Moreover, annulment cases often
take years to decide. Often, when an annulment is denied, the person
who sought it unsuccessfully resorts to marriage outside the Church--
and if your child is his partner, the two together may lose their
souls.

2. Non-Catholics and indifferent Catholics. The hazards of mixed
marriages are becoming so great in this country that the entire next
chapter is devoted to the problem. But simply because a prospective
husband or wife professes to be a Catholic is no guarantee that he or
she is a good marital risk. You should tell your son or daughter to
avoid those who are Catholics in name only, who adopt a disrespectful
tone toward their religion, who scorn the virtues of chastity and
modesty, and who indicate a desire to practice birth control. Such
persons will threaten the spiritual growth of their mates. And, as we
have seen, the lack of a strong religious sense characterizes those
homes that are beset by tension in many other areas of activity.

You should also advise your son or daughter to beware of the following
types: the man or woman who drinks or gambles to excess (those habits
usually grow rather than decrease after marriage, and if they are not
stopped at courtship the chance that they will ever be curbed is
remote); the man or woman who is overly ambitious and determined to
achieve a higher social position regardless of its cost (such persons
may throw over all worth-while ideals and emotional values in their
passion for success); and the man or woman with a hardness of character
(if he or she lacks a spirit of compromise and of charity and kindness
toward others, beware!).

3. The emotionally immature and those who show no willingness to accept
responsibility. One wise priest, after observing thousands of
marriages, remarked that he can see hope for any type of troubled union
save one--and that is the one in which the husband or wife refuses to
accept the responsibilities of the marriage state. The girl who has had
everything done for her and who--through her physical beauty--has
discovered that she may need neither brains nor a pleasant personality
to attract men, is typically the type who whines over the difficulties
of childbearing, child-rearing and the normal tasks of running a home.
Likewise, the man who moves from job to job every few months and who
habitually seeks help from his doting mother and father whenever he
gets into debt, is a type seen often in the divorce courts--or sought
throughout the country for having deserted his family in their time of
need.


Impediments to valid marriages. In rare cases, impediments exist which
make a valid marriage impossible. The most common impediments today are
insufficient age (to be validly married, a male must have completed his
sixteenth year and a female her fourteenth); consanguinity (persons
closely related by blood--for example, first and second cousins);
spiritual relationship (a godparent cannot marry his godchild, nor can
the person who baptizes marry the one baptized); impotence (a marriage
is invalid if, at the time of the ceremony, one of the parties was
permanently incapable of performing the sexual act); and want of the
use of reason (for instance, one who is insane, drunk, drugged or
hypnotized is incapable of marrying, since free will is lacking at the
time the ceremony is performed). Occasionally, and for good reasons,
the Pope may dispense from certain impediments.


Qualities to seek in a mate. Encourage your offspring to consider
carefully the qualities a person needs to perform the responsibilities
of marriage properly. Any serious thought will convince the normal
intelligent youngster that many of the popular standards for choosing a
mate lack intrinsic merit. For instance, contrary to what movie and
television plays suggest, the ideal husband is not the wisecracking
playboy who is tall, handsome and a smooth dancer. Nor is the ideal
wife necessarily the one with the most beautiful face and most
curvaceous figure. The fact is that the husband or wife who contributes
most to the happiness of a marriage need not have physical beauty at
all. While it is true that a man and woman should feel physically
attracted toward each other, the qualities that produce a lasting,
loving relationship are those of the soul and heart rather than of the
body.

If you would have your children make a good choice in marriage,
encourage them to look for a sense of unselfishness in their
prospective partner--a willingness to deny self, if need be, in order
to serve others. Encourage them to look for a deep and abiding
religious sense, for trust in Almighty God will enable them--and their
partners--to surmount the difficulties, trials and disappointments
which will inevitably come their way. The ideal marriage partner is
courteous, kind and considerate; he is mature enough to recognize and
accept responsibilities without complaining; realistic enough to know
that compromises are necessary to make any marriage succeed, and humble
enough to know that he must make his share.

Young men and women of earlier generations had an advantage over modern
youngsters because they usually could observe their prospective
partners in everyday work situations. Because the average man worked
near his home, and generally married a woman who also lived nearby, she
often could see how he went about his everyday job, accepted
responsibilities and behaved when confronted by the serious functions
of living--how, in brief, he acted in a role like the one he would play
as a husband. And since the unmarried woman of an earlier day worked
about the house caring for the younger children and doing similar home-
making tasks, her prospective husband could observe how she might act
as a wife.

Today, however, young men and women know each other almost solely as
recreational partners. They attend movies or dances on dates, and their
major interest is having good times together. But the woman who chooses
a husband solely on the way he acts on dates may face a lifetime of
disappointments. The "Good-time Charlie" of courtship days may remain
that way after marriage, and the wife who needs his wages to pay for
the baby's milk may discover that he has spent them having fun.
Likewise, "Midnight Mary," who is always the last one to leave the
party, may not seem quite so glamorous to her husband when he must make
the children's breakfast because she is too tired to do so.


The serious purposes of courtship. Instead of being a time for heedless
pleasure, courtship should be one of the most serious periods in life.
It should be a time of discovery, employed to gain insights into the
personality of the prospective mate. Now is the time when the girl
should learn whether her prospective husband is closely tied to a
mother's apron strings or is so wrapped up in himself that his ego must
be fed constantly.

The prospective husband and wife should seriously discuss their
attitudes toward parenthood. As we noted in Chapter 2, those marriages
are happiest in which husband and wife are united in their interest in
the home, and it has been demonstrated in many different ways that the
man and woman who desire children generally make the best partners.
Other discussions should center around each person's conception of his
or her future role. These discussions will be most revealing; a man
usually will seek in his wife those qualities which his mother
possesses, and she will seek in her husband the qualities of her
father. For this reason, the man and woman from similar backgrounds--
those whose parents have essentially the same attitudes toward religion
and children--have the best chance of succeeding in marriage.


How long should engagements be? Ideally, a man and woman should not
agree to marry unless they can do so within two years at most. This
period should provide ample time for them to learn more about each
other and to discuss religious values and their concepts of other
phases of life. Longer engagements are inadvisable for several reasons.
The man and woman may take each other for granted and some of the bloom
may fall from their romance. The longer the courtship lasts, the
greater is the danger of premarital intercourse or other sexual
excesses. Finally, the engagement that drags on often becomes a way of
life in itself. Many a spinster at thirty became engaged at twenty but
made life so attractive for her fiance that he never saw the point of
legalizing the relationship.

The question of "rights" often arises when two young people are
engaged. The simple fact is that they have none: the marital act,
together with the preliminaries normally considered to be a part of it,
is reserved for marriage. As a practical matter, an engaged man and
woman should intensify their chastity, rather than diminish it. They
are about to enter a holy state and their regard for its sacramental
nature--and the privileges of both sexual communion and of procreating
children which it involves--should inspire them to retain the greatest
purity in their relationship with each other.


Preparations for marriage. Let your children decide the details of
their own wedding. One often meets a young bride who would prefer a
quiet church wedding, followed by a simple reception for relatives and
close friends. But her parents are determined to make this event a
showcase for their prosperity. Often they hire an expensive hall and
invite scores of persons whom the bride and bridegroom will never see
again. Thousands of dollars may be spent in this way, and the young
couple may then be required to endure severe sacrifices to save a
similar amount for a down payment on a home.

Parents should make sure, however, that all regulations of the Church
are complied with. The prospective bride and groom should visit the
bride's pastor to make arrangements as soon as the engagement is
effective. Church law states that the ceremony should be performed in
the Church of the bride and that a priest and two other witnesses are
normally required to make it valid. When the prospective bride and the
bridegroom are Catholics, the banns of marriage must be proclaimed in
the churches of both on three successive Sundays, so that anyone
knowing a reason why they should not be permitted to marry may make his
objection known. For good reasons, these rules may be suspended.

Catholics should be married at a nuptial Mass, which can be celebrated
at any time of the year. However, the solemn nuptial blessing cannot be
given during Advent or Lent.

After your son or daughter becomes engaged, firmly encourage him or her
to attend a Pre-Cana Conference. Pre-Cana is the most immediate
preparation for marriage which the Church has to offer. Its purpose is
to impart to the couple those attitudes and points of information which
are crucial to the successful launching of a Christian marriage.
Priests, medical doctors, and married couples put themselves at the
disposal of the young unmarried tyros.

Within months of the marriage the engaged man and woman are brought
face to face with the realities of family life. Parenthood, the roles
of husband and wife, the sex differences of the couples, even such
ordinary experiences as paying the bills, are discussed frankly and
wisely from a variety of view points. And because the couples
themselves participate by their own questions and answers, many initial
doubts and troubles that plague young marriages are eliminated before
they can cause harm.



CHAPTER 15: HOW TO AVOID A MIXED MARRIAGE IN YOUR FAMILY

IT IS well known that the Church firmly opposes marriage between a
Catholic and a non-Catholic. Her opposition is based not so much on
practical considerations as it is on principle. Christian marriage is
the sacred union of two people called by God to assist Jesus Christ in
the work of the redemption. And the mixed marriage, no matter how
successful it may occasionally be socially or psychologically, can
never be a perfect sacramental union. Lacking a common divine faith,
the couple will always be found wanting as a worshipping and redemptive
unit of the Church. How can they teach, rule and sanctify each other
and their children in Christ's name when one of the parties is not
committed to the fullness of the Christian gospel? How can they build
up the Mystical Body of Christ--and be channels of grace to each other-
-when the non-Catholic does not comprehend the mystery of sacramental
marriage? How can the mixed marriage signify the union of Christ and
the Church and be characterized by total dedication to supernatural
purposes and complete Christlike self-sacrifice when there can never be
agreement on the goals of marriage, even on its nature?

In the practical order human imperfections mar every marriage. Catholic
marriages unfortunately are no exceptions to this rule. But the mixed
marriage is something special. The very sacrament itself is radically
affected by the denial of faith on one side. It can never be a perfect
union of mind, heart and soul, and can never realize the supernatural
potential of the sacramental Catholic union. To avoid greater evils the
Church may accept less than the ideal, but never does she compromise
this basic truth. And it is the hope of Mother Church that more and
more of her parents will strive to see this ideal realized in their
children.

Her teaching is fortified by her experience of centuries. Through
almost two thousand years of her history, she has seen the results of
such unions--their harmful effects upon the marriage relationship
itself, the tensions between mixed couples, the loss of faith by
spouses, the confusion and irreligion of children and the frequent
dangers to eternal salvation resulting from them. Despite her solid
principles and her constant warning, many Catholic parents appear to
believe, first, that a mixed marriage for their children is neither a
bad thing nor as dangerous to their happiness as priests commonly
assert, and second, that the danger of contracting one is remote or
magnified.

Statistics covering marriages in all parts of the United States prove
otherwise. If you have three children, the mathematical chance is that
one will marry a non-Catholic, either validly or invalidly. If you live
where Catholics are a small minority, the danger may be even more
acute. In some parts of the South, four out of every five marriages
performed in the Church are mixed.

These statistics reflect disturbing pressures which result in the
marriage of more and more Catholics every year to persons outside the
faith. These pressures result, ironically, from the improved living
conditions of American Catholics. Not many years ago, the typical
Catholic was either an immigrant or the child of immigrants. He lived
in a section where similar Catholic families lived and thus had many
opportunities to meet members of his own faith. Now, however, second-
generation Catholics have moved into the general population stream. As
likely as not, a Catholic family today finds a Jewish neighbor on one
side and a Protestant neighbor on the other. Opportunities to meet
members of other faiths in social and business contacts have increased
tremendously, while chances to meet members of our own faith have
decreased correspondingly.

Sociologists refer to the movement of Catholics into all levels of
society as our "social mobility." Generally, it indicates progress: we
are taking a rightful and necessary place in all areas of our country's
life. But as Catholics become better educated and occupy more and more
places of importance in the professional, business and civic worlds,
the tendency to form friendships with non-Catholics is intensified.
Obviously, we should not retreat into a shell and should take our place
in society. At the same time, however, we should become conscious of
the increased dangers which this social progress creates, and of the
need to protect the faith of Catholic children against them. For if
present trends continue, when your young children reach adulthood,
their statistical chance of marrying a Catholic may be no greater than
that of marrying outside the faith.


Why the Church opposes mixed marriages. Statistics compiled by the
Bishops' Committee on Mixed Marriages and by other investigators
establish that three out of five Catholics who are involved in a mixed
marriage (including those performed outside the Church) turn away from
their religion in a significant way. They stop attending Mass. Or they
attend infrequently. Or if they attend regularly, they are unable to
receive the sacraments because they live in a state of sin.

An even greater percentage of children born to such marriages are lost
to the faith. The child's path to salvation is strewn with hazards. He
may never even be baptized a Catholic. If he does receive baptism, he
may grow up in a home where spiritual values of any kind do not exist,
or where he is taught that "one religion is as good as another." He is
less likely to attend Catholic schools than is the child whose parents
are both Catholic. And when he marries, he is more likely to choose a
partner of a different belief. He is, in fact, psychologically ripe for
a mixed marriage: didn't his father (or mother) marry a non-Catholic,
and didn't that marriage turn out well?

In view of the Church's primary concern with saving souls, she cannot
remain indifferent to the spiritual loss resulting from interfaith
unions. But even if the all-important consideration of your child's
salvation were not involved, as a conscientious parent you would still
have the responsibility of opposing mixed marriages for earthly
reasons.

For instance, such unions are more likely to break up in divorce,
separation or desertion than those in which both partners profess the
same faith. One study shows that the rate of divorce and separation is
about three times higher in Catholic-Protestant marriages than in those
without religious differences. Even when religious difficulties
seemingly have been resolved, numerous students of marriage have found
that latent tension remains beneath the surface. This often reflects
itself in disputes over other matters--the training of children or the
observance of religious feasts like Christmas and Easter, for example--
and in similar ways.

In their textbook "Building a Successful Marriage," sociologists Judson
T. and Mary G. Landis stress that an important characteristic of most
happy marriages is the similarity in the partners' backgrounds and
interests. In dozens of vital areas, the basic beliefs instilled in a
non-Catholic home differ substantially from those of the Catholic. The
non-Catholic often has different beliefs about divorce, birth control,
and the ideal conditions in which to educate his children. He may even
differ about the omnipotence of God, the divinity of Christ, the
importance of the sacraments, and the existence of heaven and hell.

Your religious beliefs touch the very roots of your being. You cannot
disagree about such basic matters as why you have been placed on earth,
where you will go after death and how you should live your life without
affecting the basic fabric of your marriage. Thus Catholic and non-
Catholic partners who resolve not to let religious differences
interfere with their happiness often find that the gap between them is
too great to be bridged. If there are no outward disagreements, at the
very least, there is lacking the essential ingredient for true mutual
harmony--a complete understanding of and agreement with the partner's
viewpoint.

Another hazard in mixed marriages is that the strain of adjusting to
in-laws will probably be magnified. Despite great strides made against
racial and religious prejudices in America, parents of all faiths tend
to be deeply shocked when their children marry outside the fold. Even
when the Catholic wife is accepted personally by her in-laws, for
instance, they often bitterly complain that their son has "been forced
to degrade himself" by agreeing to the rigid conditions the Church
requires before validating such a marriage. Or if the Catholic party is
accepted, it may be with the in-laws' silent or spoken reservation that
other members of the faith are ignorant, superstitious, or lacking in
some moral quality. Or even where Catholics as a body are accepted, the
non-Catholic relatives may display prejudice against the Church as
represented by the clergy.

The non-Catholic may receive similar treatment from relatives of the
Catholic partner. As a result, two conflicting forces are set up. Even
if the man and wife themselves try diligently to live in harmony, they
will find that they must proceed with their in-laws with the utmost
caution lest the religious animosity bubbling beneath the surface
suddenly boil up to engulf them.

Finally, the children of mixed marriages will surely be subjected to
greater tension than those whose parents agree on religious matters.
One can see evidence of such tension in countless ways. An eight-year-
old boy was taught that man was made to worship God and that one way of
doing so was by attending Mass on Sundays. But his father never
attended Mass. The loyal child believed in the Church's teaching, yet
also found it difficult to believe that his father was offending God.
He was torn between two sets of values--one taught at school and by his
mother, another by his father. It was not difficult to understand why a
psychologist found strong evidence of insecurity in the boy's
personality.

In another family, the non-Catholic mother faithfully observed her
promises to rear her children as Catholics. But her sister seemed to be
engaged in constant travel between justices of the peace and the
divorce courts. On the one hand, the children were taught that divorce
was evil and that those who remarried after divorce committed sin; but
how could they believe that their beloved aunt was dooming herself to
hell? Such divisive influences make it extremely difficult to give
children lasting values on which to build their lives.

A sensitive boy of twelve has a Catholic mother and a Jewish father.
Sometimes he is in the company of Christians and at other times of
Jews. When with Gentiles, he often hears disparaging references to
Jews; and when with Jews, he hears them sneering at Catholics. In
either place, this child is a stranger without roots. He now attends no
church. However, he spends several hours each week with a psychiatrist.


All faiths opposed mixed marriages. In view of the natural hazards
which exist in all interfaith unions, it is easy to see that the
Church's opposition is neither narrow nor bigoted, as some critics
allege. The fact is that religious leaders of all denominations--as
well as nonsectarian experts on marriage--universally warn young people
to marry within their own faith.

Because of the diversity of Protestant belief, no uniform position is
adopted by their clergymen and spokesmen. However, the vast majority
oppose mixed marriages and they especially warn their members against
marrying a Roman Catholic. For example, the Presbyterian "Confession of
Faith" warns members not to marry "with infidels, Papists, or other
idolaters." In 1948, the general conventions of the Protestant
Episcopal Church adopted a resolution as follows:

"Resolved, that this convention earnestly warns members of our Church
against contracting marriages with Roman Catholics under conditions
imposed by modern Roman Catholic common law, especially as these
conditions involve a promise to have their children brought up under a
religious system which they cannot themselves accept; and further,
because the religious education and spiritual training of their
children by word and example is a paramount duty of parents and should
never be neglected nor left entirely to others, we assert that in no
circumstances should a member of this Church give any understanding as
a condition of marriage, that the children should be brought up in the
practice of another communion."

Similar statements have been made by spokesmen for the Lutherans,
Southern Baptists, Methodists, Disciples of Christ and other sects.

The Jews have struggled throughout history to preserve their religion
from infiltration by outsiders. Even today, orthodox Hebrews stand
unalterably opposed to marrying a Gentile, and the orthodox Jew who
does so is thought to have rejected his religion and to have left the
fold forever. Reformed and liberal Jews also strongly disapprove of
interfaith unions.

Despite the indisputable fact that chances for happiness are
considerably lessened when husband and wife profess different
religions, many thousands of couples persist in undertaking such
marriages every year. They prefer to overlook the unhappy marriages and
to consider instead those unions which have achieved some success. It
is true that some interfaith marriages work out satisfactorily for
husband, wife and children. In some cases, the home which results from
a mixed marriage is a model of sanctity. From such homes have even come
priests, brothers and nuns, as well as respected laymen whose piety
many of us with both Catholic fathers and mothers might well emulate.

These brilliant exceptions do not alter the fact, however, that the
typical person entering a mixed marriage enters a life of difficulty.
He may succeed in it; but he will require a greater sense of sacrifice
and greater understanding, patience and love than most humans are able
to give.

A young man once announced to his pastor that he planned to marry a
Protestant girl. To the priest's argument that mixed marriages are
filled with danger, the young man said he knew of such unions which had
succeeded. The pastor then asked if the man would drive his car down a
main street of the city at midday at eighty miles per hour.

The young man laughed. "Of course not, Father," he said, "I'd get
killed."

The priest smiled. "Not necessarily," he said. "I know a man who did it
and is still alive."

The caller got the point. He later broke off with the girl, because he
realized that only extraordinary luck would enable them to contract a
mixed marriage and not regret it.


Church rules on mixed marriages. From her beginnings, the Church has
always insisted upon her right to protect the soul of the Catholic
against all dangers to salvation that he may encounter. She has this
authority because she was established by Jesus Christ as His means by
which human beings can be saved. The Church's divinely ordained
function therefore makes it necessary for her to prevent any conditions
which hinder men from reaching the Kingdom of God. For this reason she
forbids mixed marriages. Only by obtaining a dispensation from this
rule may a Catholic marry outside the faith. The Church grants a
dispensation only when it appears that a greater danger might result
from her unwillingness to do so.

To protect the souls of the Catholic and of any future children,
however, she always requires the non-Catholic spouse to promise
solemnly that his partner will be completely free to practice her
religion and that all their children will be educated as Catholics. The
Catholic spouse must also promise to practice her religion and to
educate her children in the faith.

Most non-Catholics object to these conditions. In fact, some ministers
maintain that a Protestant who sincerely believes in his own religion
cannot possibly sign such promises in good faith. One Protestant
leaflet characterizes the antenuptial agreement as undemocratic and un-
American "because it is essentially unfair."

Many Protestant writers have striven to point out exactly what these
promises mean. They truthfully assert that the non-Catholic who
understands them fully would lose most--if not all--of his enthusiasm
for a mixed marriage. The simple fact is that the non-Catholic must
sign away rights and privileges which he perhaps holds in the highest
esteem. For instance, by agreeing not to interfere with his Catholic
wife s practice of her religion, he must follow the moral law as
regards birth control: to practice contraception would be to encourage
his wife to sin. Because it may not be practical to prepare separate
dinners on Friday, he may find himself involuntarily obeying Church law
regarding abstinence. He must steel himself to the realization that his
wife will tell her sins to a priest, pray to the Blessed Virgin and the
saints, bow to the Pope's authority in matters of faith and morals, and
indulge in other practices which he may have been taught from childhood
represent "superstition" and "'ignorance."

Promises he must make regarding his children's upbringing have even
greater implications. As a conscientious parent, he must help instruct
them in doctrines which he himself believes to be false. He usually
will not. Regardless of what he thinks is wrong with the Church or of
his personal feelings about the sacraments, the necessity of confession
and Communion, the infallibility of the Pope, or the need to abstain
from meat on Friday, he is now expected to teach his own flesh and
blood the very antithesis of his own convictions. He usually does not.

Moreover, as his children develop their own religious beliefs within a
Catholic framework, he must watch them grow apart from him. At the
sacred moments of family life--when a child is baptized, receives his
First Communion, or is confirmed; during times of family tragedy, like
the death of a beloved parent; during great holy days like Christmas
and Easter which should be occasions of family unity--the non-Catholic
parent will find himself alone. His partner and children will go to
their own church to worship God in a way he does not understand.

The prenuptial promises are merely part of the bitter medicine that the
non-Catholic must swallow. He must take a series of six lessons in
Catholic doctrine which will give him a general understanding of his
wife's religious practices. He must submit to questioning by a priest
to determine whether he is free to marry in the eyes of the Church and
whether he fully and unreservedly intends to observe the laws of God
forbidding divorce. Finally, he must agree to be married before a
priest. He cannot have a second marriage performed elsewhere.

From the forgoing it can be seen that the non-Catholic who
lightheartedly signs the prenuptial promises is making a grievous
error. Many lifetime tragedies would be averted if every non-Catholic
could be made to realize that he must make great sacrifices if his
marriage to a Catholic is to achieve any degree of happiness. It is not
correct to say, however, that all mixed marriages require more of the
non-Catholic. In many cases, when the solemn pledges are discarded and
ignored, the Catholic must become a veritable martyr to make the
marriage work. In the matter of religious instruction of her children,
for example, a Catholic wife may find that she must be father and
mother both and must also resist attacks upon the faith within her own
household. She must try to educate her children in a Catholic
atmosphere while they draw examples of a different kind from their
father. She may have to perform her own religious duties without any
encouragement or help. In order to keep peace within the family, she
may even find herself watering down her own religious convictions.

The Catholic entering a mixed marriage often fails to understand one
vital factor. It is that she is literally at the mercy of the non-
Catholic in fulfilling the terms of the prenuptial agreement. The stark
truth is that the promises solemnly made before marriage are worthless
if the non-Catholic chooses to make them so. And many non-Catholic
partners choose to do so. In their book "Marriage and the Family," Dr.
Clement S. Mihanovich, Brother Gerald Schnepp, S.M., and Father John L.
Thomas, S.J., cite figures indicating that the prenuptial promises are
not kept in about 30 per cent of all mixed marriages. Moreover, there
is no practical way to make a person keep his promises. For instance,
in a recent decision the Ohio Supreme Court ruled that a Catholic could
not employ the court to enforce the contract--meaning, in effect, that
prenuptial pledges are valid only so long as the non-Catholic partner
cares to fulfill them.

Another point which the prospective Catholic partner in a mixed
marriage should ponder is that she stands to lose considerably more
than her partner if the union proves to be unsatisfactory. The non-
Catholic may adopt the attitude that since the marriage has not worked,
he can obtain a divorce and remarry. But the Catholic is married for
life. Even if her partner obtains a divorce and remarries in the eyes
of the State, she remains married in the eyes of God. Because of this
factor, the non-Catholic sometimes assumes a domineering position,
knowing that the Catholic has no recourse if he chooses to end their
relationship A Protestant in a mixed marriage once summed up in a
sentence how he managed to gain his own way whenever differences of
opinion arose with his Catholic wife. "I just tell her I can walk out
and get married again any time I please, and it works every time," he
said.

Because a mother is closest to the children in their formative years, a
Catholic wife might succeed in raising them in the faith even if their
non-Catholic father refused to fulfill his promises. But the Catholic
father who can educate his children as Catholics if their mother
opposes him is a rarity. As an indication of the difficulty the
Catholic man faces in an interfaith union, one survey shows that the
divorce and separation rate is three times greater when the mother in a
mixed marriage is a non-Catholic than when the father is.


Do mixed marriages make converts? Catholics seeking to justify such a
marriage sometimes say that they are sure they can convert their
partner. In the prenuptial promises, the Catholic must agree to work
for conversion, of course. But actually the hope that the non-Catholic
will enter the Church after marriage is a somewhat forlorn one.

Studies by the author in one large diocese in Florida showed that there
is one chance in five that a mixed marriage will result in the
conversion of the non-Catholic party. Surveys made in other areas have
indicated that as few as one person in twenty is brought into the fold
as a result of marriage to a Catholic. On the other hand, it has been
established that about 25 per cent of Catholics in valid mixed
marriages sever their connection with the Church and 20 per cent might
be classified as indifferent since they attend Mass only occasionally.
Thus the Catholic who marries with hopes of converting her partner
faces a likelihood that not only will he not be converted, but that she
will lose the faith as well.

Sometimes when a non-Catholic's offer of marriage is refused, he
volunteers to take the necessary instructions and to become a Catholic.
A person who lacks deep religious roots of any kind will make this
proposal merely for the sake of marrying the girl. The religion itself
means little or nothing to him. On the other hand, some of the most
admirable of present-day Catholics, and of Catholics throughout
history, turned to the Church in adulthood. For this reason, no
expression of interest in Catholicism should be rejected without the
most careful consideration.

The sincerity of a prospective convert can be tested easily. His
intended bride could attend the instructions with him and judge by his
questions and his general attitude whether he is accepting the Church
because of sincere belief. A person who truly believes in Catholicism
and is anxious to become a convert will discuss doctrines
enthusiastically and attend devotions voluntarily. The man who displays
little or no interest in discussing religion and does not desire to
attend Mass and other devotions until his baptism, hardly manifests an
attitude which will enable him to remain true to the faith after the
first glow of conversion has worn off.


How you can help your child avoid a mixed marriage. How can you
minimize the danger that your child may marry outside the faith?

1. Teach him from his early days about its danger. Of course, you
should not use the false approach that Catholics are "better" than
other people. But you can stress the fact that we are different--and
that we have different views on our responsibility to God and our
fellow man, on the divinity of the Savior, on the permanence of
marriage, on moral questions such as birth control, and on many other
points. When questions about marriage or divorce arise in the family
circle as a result of news developments, use the occasion to discuss
with your youngster the Catholic teaching on these subjects,
emphasizing the importance of marrying a person who shares the same
views concerning them. At the same time, instill in your child a
reverence for his religion so that he will abhor the thought of
endangering it through marriage.

2. Provide ways for your child to meet other Catholics naturally. You
can do this by enrolling him in Catholic schools or by encouraging him
to join the Newman Club where Catholic schooling is not available. Try
to get him active in church groups like the Catholic Youth
Organization, the parish choir, and similar bodies. By increasing his
contacts with Catholics, you will magnify his opportunities to meet
attractive Catholics of the other sex. In communities where Catholics
are a small minority, make a conscious effort to form friendships with
other Catholic families and to encourage their youngsters to associate
with yours.

Parent groups can do much to develop parish programs which will enable
Catholics to meet and marry their own. Where ambitious social programs
have been developed, the increase in all Catholic marriages and the
corresponding decline in mixed marriages has been spectacular. For
instance, at St. Mark's parish in Cincinnati, Ohio, a co-ordinated
program was set up. It included social and athletic events, C.Y.O.
activities, a social club for high school students, glee club, and a
clubroom where young people could meet. Before this program was
started, the mixed-marriage rate was 26.2 per cent. After the program
was developed, it dropped to 15.6 per cent. Thanks to a similar
program, the proportion of Catholic-Catholic marriages in Little Rock,
Arkansas, has doubled.

3. Discourage your child from dating any non-Catholic. To many
youngsters, whose only interest in dating is to enjoy an evening's
recreation, this proposition may seem unduly severe. Their common
response is that they do not intend to marry the person with whom they
are having a first date.

These youngsters overlook the fact that almost every marriage starts
with a date which neither partner expects to end at the altar. But one
date leads to another. The boy and girl who are strangers on their
first date become good friends on their third or fourth date. And as
dating proceeds, they become emotionally involved, often without being
consciously aware of it. Suddenly, they discover that they are "in
love." By then the parents may be helpless to end the relationship.
Thus the tragedy of each mixed marriage starts with the seemingly
innocent first date.

Long before your child begins to date, let him know that he must not
date a non-Catholic. He will show no resistance to this instruction
when it is presented as a principle and before any personalities are
involved. Your teaching may be too late if it comes after he has become
emotionally involved with a member of another faith and marriage is a
serious consideration.



CHAPTER 16: RELIGIOUS PRACTICES IN YOUR HOME

IN ORDER to provide an environment where your child will grow to love
God and the things of God, make your home a little sanctuary--a place
where he will be constantly reminded of the Lord, and where family
devotions will instill habits of deep and lasting Christian piety.
Saint John Chrysostom said that the home should be a "little church," a
miniature Kingdom of God in which the father strives to represent the
qualities of Christ and the mother seeks to make herself like Blessed
Mary.

In your home, try to give your children a deep and abiding sense of the
goodness of God and an intimate relationship with Him and His Church.
In developing family religious rituals--those which establish patterns
of devotion which will continue for the life of your family--try to
inculcate moral principles, to develop a sense of family solidarity,
and to create a deep and lasting love for the beautiful liturgy of the
Church and the sacraments which Christ gave for our redemption. In this
way, the religious practices of your home will supplement those of the
Church, not supplant them, and thus will help your child to achieve a
many-sided development of his religious personality Every Catholic home
should contain constant reminders of the fact that we were born to
know, love and serve God in this world in order to be happy with Him in
the next. Such reminders might include a home shrine--a simple altar
consisting of a table with votive candles beneath a crucifix is
probably within the means of all. In your living room and bedrooms, you
should have at least one symbol of your faith--a statue of the Savior
and the Blessed Mother, a crucifix, pictures which bring to mind events
in the life of Our Lord. In Catholic countries, it has long been the
custom to place a holy water font in the front hall, so that all who
enter or leave may bless themselves and ask God's grace; such a custom
might well be established in the United States. Another custom, worthy
of greater usage, is the establishing of a grotto--a shrine to Jesus or
Mary in your yard or garden. By all such means, you and your children
help to make your faith an intimate part of your daily lives.


Family prayer. The importance of family prayer was taught by Our Lord
himself. For he said: "Where two or three are gathered together in My
name, then am I in the midst of them." What a pleasing sight must it be
to God, therefore, to see the family unit which He ordained gathered
together to worship Him.

The beautiful practice of family prayer has been formally endorsed by
the bishops of the United States in a pastoral letter to all American
Catholics. As they have stated: "The presence of Jesus will surely be a
source of blessing to the home where parents and children unite to
offer up prayer in common. The spirit of piety which this custom
develops will sanctify the bonds of family love and ward off the
dangers which often bring sorrow and shame."

As we learned in childhood, we should pray at least upon arising in the
morning and retiring at night, and before and after meals. It is much
more beneficial to all members of the family, and especially more
inspirational to the children, when everyone habitually says such
prayers together. Because of different rising times, it may be
difficult for all to pray at the same time in the morning. However, the
saying of grace before and after meals should become a family habit. No
food should be eaten until grace is said, and no one should leave the
table until thanksgiving is offered after the meal.

Many families have developed the admirable habit of saying evening
prayers immediately after dinner. Other families set aside a period
just before the children's bedtime. Regardless of the hour chosen, the
reciting of prayers at a specified time each evening establishes habits
which will last throughout the years and will give a sense of kinship
in God to all in the family.

An especially worth-while custom is the evening recitation of the
Rosary. It was most earnestly advocated by Pope Pius IX, who in his
last days said: "Let the Rosary, this simple, beautiful method of
prayer, enriched with many indulgences, be habitually recited of an
evening in every household. These are my last words to you; the
memorial I leave behind me." Every member of the family will have a
greater feeling of participation in the Rosary if the leader is rotated
each evening or for each decade. One time Father may lead; next,
Mother; next, the oldest child; and so on until everyone has had his
turn. Then the cycle is repeated. Before each decade, the father might
briefly discuss the meaning of the specific mysteries in the lives of
Jesus and Mary which the Rosary reminds us of. The children should be
taught to meditate on these mysteries so that they do not say the
prayers without thinking.

A custom of some homes consists of the nightly reading of the Bible.
Prayers are said before and after the reading, and there is a
discussion by the father or mother of the particular passages read.
Another worth-while custom is the reading of the Gospel and Epistle for
the particular Mass of the day.

Family unity in prayer can also be achieved if the family attends Mass
together. One of the most inspiring memories which many adults now hold
is that of their father, mother, brothers and sisters lined up with
them at the altar rail, receiving the flesh and blood of Our Lord as a
family unit, and then returning home for a festive breakfast.


Celebrating the great feast days. As a Christian parent, you should
emphasize the spiritual importance of the feast days of our religion.
Secular influences of our times have done much to destroy the
significance of such feasts as Christmas and Easter in the minds of the
unthinking. As a result, the great holy days commemorating the major
events in the mission of Our Lord have degenerated into meaningless
holidays in many places, with their true importance minimized, if not
desecrated. You should make a special effort, therefore, to prevent
your children from being so perverted by Santa Claus or the Easter
bunny that they forget that those feasts celebrate the birth and
resurrection of Our Lord.

Children everywhere respond warmly and enthusiastically to the
spiritual Christmas--much more so, in fact, than they do to secular
aspects of the feast. Even tiny toddlers can grasp the fact that when
you set up a little manger in your home, you are symbolically preparing
a place where Jesus may come as He did in Bethlehem. Dozens of similar
customs can impress the spiritual nature of the occasion upon your
youngsters.

One such custom involves the Advent wreath--a hoop of wood or wire
covered with evergreens and with holders to which four candles can be
attached. The wreath may be used as a centerpiece on your table. On the
first Sunday of Advent, call the family together and extinguish all
other lights in the house. Let the youngest child light the first
candle, while the family joins in prayers in honor of the coming of the
Savior. Each evening at dinner during the week, the candle may be lit
again. The next Sunday, the next youngest member of the family lights
the second candle; the Sunday after that, the third youngest; and on
the fourth Sunday, the fourth youngest. Each time, the family recites
appropriate prayers and the father stresses that the candles symbolize
that Christ is the Light of the World and that His coming on the first
Christmas made it unnecessary for men ever to remain in darkness again.
On the few days after the fourth Sunday and until Christmas, all four
candles are lit at dinnertime. In some homes, the evening meal is eaten
without any other illumination. This simple custom, when observed by
the family from year to year, establishes a ritual which the children
will inaugurate in their own families and thus pass on to new
generations.

A beautiful custom from France consists in adding straw to the bed of
the Savior. About four weeks before Christmas, set up your manger in
your home and leave it without straw. Each evening, before dinner, give
pieces of straw to each child in proportion to his good deeds for the
day. If he has obeyed promptly and cheerfully, he may place straw in
the manger; if he has failed to perform his little duties
satisfactorily, the Babe will have a less comfortable bed as a result.
Youngsters are moved to acts of heroic virtue to show their love for
Jesus in this tangible way; they also learn the invaluable lesson that
by their self-sacrifice they may often give comfort to others.

Every Christian country has contributed delightful and inspiring
customs which will intensify your children's reverence for Christmas.
From Germany comes the custom of the Advent candle. A large candle,
representing Jesus, the Light of the World, is placed on the home altar
or on a table before a picture of the Infant in His Blessed Mother s
arms. It is lit each evening during Advent when family prayers are
said. From Ireland comes the practice of lighting three candles in each
window on Christmas Eve--the candles representing Jesus, Mary and
Joseph--while the front door is left unlocked throughout the night so
that the Holy Family may enter and obtain shelter. From Slovakia comes
the Christmas supper. A strict fast is observed throughout the day, and
in the evening family members come from near and far for an annual
reunion. When all are present, the head of the family leads in prayer,
during which God's forgiveness is asked for all sins committed during
the year, His mercy sought for those who have died, and His blessing
invoked for the family in the coming year. From Poland comes the
"Oplatek"--a large wafer representing the Christ Child which is divided
equally among the family. Before it is eaten, everyone seeks
forgiveness for offenses committed during the year and all quarrels are
considered finished, and the family vows to greet Christmas in complete
peace and harmony.

A custom gaining popularity in America is the telling of the Christmas
story. The family gathers on Christmas Eve and the father reads the
account of the birth of Our Lord from the New Testament. The family
then joins in appropriate carols, like "Silent Night," which display a
proper sense of awe and reverence for the mystery of the Incarnation.
When such practices become a tradition, they assume the status of a
ritual, bind the family more closely together, and are often observed
by the children when they themselves become parents.

Similar family customs can honor the great feast of Easter. In
preparation for the Lord's Resurrection, the family should participate
together in Lenten sacrifices. Before Ash Wednesday, for instance,
parents and children might decide what practices all will follow during
the Lenten season. You may decide to attend Mass together each morning,
to abstain from desserts, to recite extra prayers during the evening
holy hour, or to pass up favorite television programs in favor of
spiritual reading. In many homes, when parents and children forgo
particular luxuries the money they save is donated to the poor.

Some families always attend Church in a body on Ash Wednesday for the
imposition of ashes which reminds us that we are dust and will return
to dust, and that we should observe the forty days of the Lenten season
in contrition and prayer. Many families also serve little pretzels with
the evening meal during Lent. The pretzel has a deeply religious
origin: Once it was the only food eaten during Lent, and its shape
represents a person with arms folded across his chest in the form of
prayer used in early Christian times.

Holy Thursday may be commemorated by serving an evening meal similar in
some respects to that eaten by Our Lord at His Last Supper. In some
homes, unleavened bread--still used by Hebrews in the form of matzos--
is served, to represent the bread which Our Lord blessed when he
instituted the Blessed Sacrament. On Good Friday, the home altar may be
stripped bare; members of the family may stand throughout the evening
meal, eating food prepared with severe plainness. On Holy Saturday,
there may be a ritual made of renewing the baptismal vows before the
home altar. At this ceremony, all members of the family join in the
recitation of prayers of thanksgiving for having received the faith.
Also on Holy Saturday, it is part of the liturgy for the priest to
bless the Easter water which may be sprinkled on the children and over
the Easter dinner which traditionally consists of lamb symbolizing the
risen Christ.

On Holy Saturday night, your family might gather for a reading of the
Gospels which narrate the suffering, Crucifixion and Resurrection of
Our Lord. In this way, your children will be impressed with the
overwhelming religious significance of the feast which proves to
mankind that Jesus was indeed God and symbolizes our own life after
death.


Special observances throughout the year. Every day of the year gives
you a special opportunity to instill a greater religious appreciation
in your children, to broaden their knowledge of Our Lord, the Blessed
Mother and the saints, and to strengthen their dedication to the laws
of God and the Church. Each day is set aside by the Church to honor a
particular event in the life of Our Lord or the Blessed Virgin, or to
honor a particular saint. Consulting your religious calendar and one of
the many books recounting the lives of the saints, you can discuss
these events with your children, stressing the qualities in the saints'
lives which we might cultivate. Typical dates, together with
suggestions for spiritual development which they offer, are described
below:

First Sunday of January: Feast of the Holy Name of Jesus. On this day,
encourage your children to recite the Litany of the Holy Name often.
Explain why we must show reverence for Our Lord by bowing our heads
whenever we hear His name, and by making prayers of reparation to Him
whenever His name is taken in vain.

Second Sunday of January: Feast of the Holy Family. This feast affords
an opportunity for the family to receive corporate Communion at Mass,
for parents to renew marriage vows, and for both children and adults to
resolve to model their lives upon those of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. The
Epistle for this day is worthy of extra consideration: "Brethren, put
on, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, a heart of mercy, kindness,
humility, meekness, patience. Bear with one another and forgive one
another, if anyone has a grievance against any other; even as the Lord
has forgiven you, so also do you forgive. But above all these things
have charity, which is the bond of perfection. And may the peace of
Christ reign in your hearts; unto that peace, indeed, you were called
in one body. Show yourselves thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in
you abundantly; in all wisdom teach and admonish one another by psalms,
hymns, and spiritual songs, singing in your hearts to God by His Grace.
Whatever you do in word or in work, do all in the name of the Lord
Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (Col. 3:12-
17)

January 6: Epiphany of Our Lord. This day commemorates the visit of the
wise men to Jesus in the stable and marks the end of the Christmas
season. In Europe, bread, eggs and salt are taken to the Church to be
blessed. The bread and eggs are donated to the poor, and the salt is
retained to remind Christians that we should be "the salt of the
earth." In telling your children of the visit of the Magi, you might
point out that they traveled from afar and endured great hardship to
lay their gifts before the Savior. God allows us to receive Jesus in
the Holy Eucharist without such hardship or sacrifice. Therefore, we
should avail ourselves of the opportunity to do so whenever possible.

February 3: Feast of St. Blaise. He was a physician before he became a
priest and then a bishop, and he was martyred in the fourth century. He
once miraculously cured a boy on the verge of death with a bone stuck
in his throat. A special sacramental--the blessing of throats--takes
place on this day, and the aid of St. Blaise is asked in delivering the
faithful from throat ailments and other evils.

February 14: St. Valentine's Day. St. Valentine was a priest who was
put to death in the year 270. From early times, he was the patron saint
of young lovers, but the exact reason why he was so designated has been
lost in history. Youngsters can ask him to help them maintain a chaste
relationship with those they love.

March 19: Feast of St. Joseph. On this day, children might be taught to
emulate St. Joseph for his sense of duty which impelled him to take
such loving care of the Blessed Mother and the Infant Child. Because
St. Joseph was a humble carpenter, he is regarded as the patron saint
of workers everywhere; and the fact that his trade was not highly
regarded by worldly men should teach us that it is more important to
develop the spiritual qualities which he exemplified than to strive for
material success.

March 24: Feast of the Annunciation. The story of the Visitation of the
Angel Gabriel to Mary never fails to interest children and to give them
a sense of reverence for the beautiful gift which God bestowed upon
mankind by permitting His Only Begotten Son to come into the world. You
can explain how every Jewish maiden hoped that she might be chosen as
the mother of the promised redeemer. The words of the Blessed Virgin,
when told that she was to be the mother of Jesus, carry a moral in
themselves. Her reply, "Be it done according to Thy word," teaches us
that we must always be ready to do the will of God.

May: Month of Mary. During May, encourage your children to show special
devotion to the Blessed Mother. Daily recitation of the Rosary is one
way of doing so; keeping fresh flowers before the painting of the
Mother and Child in your home may be another. The Litany to the Blessed
Virgin may be recited in addition. Instruct your children about the
many benefits which can be derived from a wholesome devotion to Our
Lady.

June 24: Feast of St. John the Baptist. Modern Catholics lack the sense
of devotion to this saint that was evidenced in earlier times. So great
was the regard for the son of Elizabeth who baptized Our Lord that
priests were once permitted to celebrate three Masses on his feast day-
-a privilege they had at no other time except Christmas. The story of
the life of this saint interests children, from his birth to his
beheading at the request of Salome.

June 25: Feast of Saints Peter and Paul. In many parts of the world,
this is a Holy Day of Obligation. You might tell your children that St.
Peter was designated by Our Lord to lead His flock, and that St.
Peter's authority extends to the present Pope in an unbroken line. The
Apostle Paul, a convert to Christianity, reminds us of the billions of
souls who remain ignorant of Christ and who must be brought into the
fold so that there will be one fold and one shepherd.

July 25: Feast of St. Christopher. If you carry a medal of St.
Christopher in your car--as millions do--your children will be
especially interested in his life. According to legend, he carried a
child on his shoulders across a treacherous river one day, and in
midstream almost collapsed under the weight. Only when he reached the
other shore did he realize that he had carried the Savior upon his
back. St. Christopher is widely venerated as the patron of travelers.
In some places cars are blessed on his feast day.

September 29: Feast of St. Michael the Archangel. He has a special
appeal for young people, for he represents the strength, courage and
idealism they admire in their heroes. It was St. Michael who drove
Lucifer's bad angels out of heaven when they turned against God.

October 2: Feast of the Guardian Angels. This day has a personal appeal
for your child. You can remind him that he has an angelic protector to
whom he can turn for aid in time of danger.

November 1: Feast of All Saints. We commemorate the countless martyrs
and others who cannot be honored individually because there are not
enough days in the year to do so. It is an excellent occasion to
discuss the possibility that all of us may achieve sainthood. Some
children believe that saints lived only in ancient times; you might
point out that many thousands of persons are leading lives of sanctity
at this present day.

November 2: All Souls Day. In some countries, family members attend
Mass together to pray for their departed ones and perform other acts of
devotion in their memory throughout the day. A point sometimes
overlooked in teaching young people is that while we can do much by our
prayers and good work to ease the suffering of the souls in Purgatory,
our loved ones in heaven can also intercede before the throne of God.

December 26: Feast of St. Stephan. The story of St. Stephen--the first
martyr--teaches us amidst the joyous Christmas season that we must
always be ready to make any sacrifices that the Lord requires. St.
Stephen was stoned to death for his beliefs--a reminder that we may
suffer ridicule, scorn, and possibly punishment and death for adhering
to the teachings of Jesus.

Your child's "special days." One of the best ways to develop active and
joyous participation in your family's spiritual life is to observe
feasts which have a special meaning for each child. When you do so, you
accentuate the religious sense of the particular youngster involved.

For example, in addition to observing your child's birthday, why not
observe the anniversary of his baptism to celebrate the day when he
became a member of the faith? Some families mark this event by serving
special food in the child's honor and giving him little gifts as tokens
of love. Sometimes his godparents are invited to the dinner to
emphasize their importance for his spiritual welfare.

In Europe, a special ceremony often is built up around the baptismal
candle which the parents provide for the christening service and bring
home afterward. Each year, on his baptismal day, the child lights the
candle on the home altar and renews his baptismal vows in the presence
of the family.

Another important observance to a child is the celebration of the feast
day of the saint after whom he has been named. In some homes, all
members of the family attend Mass and receive Communion on a "name
day." The child chooses the food for the main meal that day, and during
the evening the father reads a short account of the saint's life. By
calling your child's attention to his namesake in this way, you
encourage him-to regard his patron as a friend upon whom he can rely
for assistance before the throne of God.

Your child's First Communion day should also be a special occasion--one
which will impress him with the great spiritual step he takes when he
can receive Christ in the Holy Eucharist for the first time. In many
places, Mother and Father receive Communion with their child, and
celebrate in a special way afterward. In some families, presents are
given to First Communicants; these should be of a spiritual nature--
perhaps a crucifix or holy picture for the child's room--rather than
one lacking spiritual significance.

His Confirmation day should also be one which your child will remember
reverentially and gratefully. Both parents should attend Mass and
receive Communion, if possible, and attend the Confirmation ceremony
itself. Presents given the child should be of a religious nature. In
some homes, special prayers of thanksgiving are said by the newly
confirmed youngster before the evening meal, which usually features the
food he especially likes.


Articles for the sickroom. Your home should have in readiness the
furnishings which a priest will use if he visits it when one is ill.
These articles should consist of the following: a table covered with a
white cloth; a crucifix with lighted, blessed candles on each side; a
glass of water with a spoon and clean napkins by its side; a small bell
to summon the family to the room after the patient's confession. If
anointing with Holy Oil is to occur, a small supply of cotton should
also be on hand for the use of the priest, together with a dish in
which a spoonful of salt or a small slice of lemon and some bread
crumbs will be placed.

As soon as your children can understand (probably at about age seven)
they should be taught that if a person falls ill and appears to be in
serious danger, a priest should be called without delay, regardless of
the hour. Parents should also remember to advise the priest in case of
an illness which may become serious and endanger life; he will call
upon the sick person and provide the necessary spiritual attention.
Since every Catholic should confess and receive the Holy Eucharist
before entering a hospital for surgery, make sure that the priest is
given ample time to visit the patient at home.

When he arrives to hear a confession or administer the last rites, he
should be met at the door by a male member of the family if possible.
The man or boy, carrying a lighted candle, then leads the way to the
sickroom. If confession is to be heard, everyone but the patient and
priest should leave the chamber. They will be called back by the
ringing of the bell. They should kneel reverently when the Blessed
Sacrament or Extreme Unction is administered or prayers for the sick
and dying are recited.



APPENDIX


NAMING YOUR BABY

At baptism, your child should be given the name of a saint who will
serve as his patron in heaven, and whose life will be a model for him
to follow. According to canon law, "Pastors should take especial care
that a Christian name be given to all whom they baptize. If they cannot
do this, they shall add to the name given by the parents the name of
some saint and enter both in the Baptismal Record."

This rule need not restrict parents who seek a distinctive name for
their child. Literally thousands of names are available for selection,
and in addition variations of a saint's original name may be used, to
conform to different languages or national customs.

For example, the name Mary may also be used in the following forms:
Mae, Malkin, Maria, Marian, Marianna, Marianne, Marie, Mariette,
Marilyn, Marion, Maris, Miriam, Marot, Marr, Maureen, Maryath, May,
Molly, Murchie and Murrock.

In honor of St. Elizabeth, you might name your child not only Elizabeth
but also Bess, Beth, Betty, Elise, Elissa, Eliza, Elsa, Elsie, Oseult,
Isolde or Lisbet.

St. Charles might also be the patron of a boy named Carl, Carlo,
Carlos, Carolo, Carolus or Charley, or of a girl named Carlotta,
Charlotta or Charlotte.


CHURCH RULES ON FAST AND ABSTINENCE

Fast: The rules of fasting oblige all between the ages of 21 and 59,
unless they are in poor health or obtain a dispensation from their
confessor for other reasons.

Fast days are all the days of Lent except Sundays; the Ember days at
the beginning of each of the four seasons of the year; and the Vigil of
Pentecost; the Vigil of Christmas; and the Vigil of the Immaculate
Conception.

On fast days, only one full meal is allowed. Two other meatless meals,
sufficient to maintain strength, may be taken according to each one's
needs, but together they should not equal another full meal. Eating
between meals is not permitted, but liquids may be taken in any
quantity.


Abstinence: The rules of abstinence oblige all Catholics from their
seventh birthday, unless they are excused by their confessor for
serious reasons.

Days of abstinence are all the Fridays of the year. Ash Wednesday, Holy
Saturday, the Vigil of Christmas and the Vigil of the Immaculate
Conception are days of both fast and abstinence.

On days of abstinence, meat may not be eaten.


THE EUCHARISTIC FAST

Persons intending to receive Holy Communion may not eat solid foods or
drink alcoholic beverages within three hours of the time when they will
receive. They may drink other beverages (coffee, tea, milk, etc.) up to
one hour before they receive. They may drink water at any time, even
immediately preceding their reception of the Sacrament.


A BETROTHAL RITE

1. The priest (vested in surplice and white stole) with his assistants
(vested in surplice) awaits the couple at the communion table. At hand
are the holy water stoup and the altar missal. As the man and woman
come forward with the two witnesses they have chosen, the following
antiphon and psalm are spoken or sung on the eighth psalm tone:

ANTIPHON: To the Lord I will tender my promise: in the presence of all
His people.

Psalm 126

    Unless the house be of the Lord's building,
         in vain do the builders labor.
    Unless the Lord be the guard of the city,
         'tis in vain the guard keeps sentry.
    It is futile for you to rise before daybreak,
         to be astir in the midst of darkness,
    Ye that eat the bread of hard labor;
         for He deals bountifully to His beloved
         while they are sleeping.
    Behold, offspring result from God's giving,
         a fruitful womb won the regard of His blessing.
    Like arrows in the hand of the warrior,
         are children begotten of a youthful father.
    Happy the man who has filled therewith his quiver;
         they shall uphold him in contending at the gate
         with his rival.

    Glory be to the Father and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.
    As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever, through endless
    ages. Amen.


ANTIPHON: To the Lord I will tender my promise: in the presence of all
his people.

2. The priest now addresses them:

Allocution

Beloved of Christ: It is in the dispensation of Divine Providence that
you are called to the holy vocation of marriage. For this reason you
present yourselves today before Christ and His Church, before His
sacred minister and the devout people of God, to ratify in solemn
manner the engagement bespoken between you. At the same time you
entreat the blessing of the Church upon your proposal, as well as the
earnest supplications of the faithful here present, since you fully
realize that what has been inspired and guided by the will of your
heavenly Father requires equally His grace to be brought to a happy
fulfillment.

We are confident that you have given serious and prayerful deliberation
to your pledge of wedlock; moreover, that you have sought counsel from
the superiors whom God has placed over you. In the time that
intervenes, you will prepare for the sacrament of matrimony by a period
of virtuous courtship, so that when the happy and blessed day arrives
for you to give yourselves irrevocably to each other, you will have
laid a sound spiritual foundation for long years of godly prosperity on
earth and eventual blessedness together in the life to come. May the
union you purpose one day to consummate as man and wife be found worthy
to be in all truth a sacramental image and reality of the union of
Christ and His beloved Bride, the Church. This grant, Thou Who livest
and reignest, God, forever and evermore.

R.: Amen.


3. The priest now bids the couple join their right hands, while they
repeat after him the following:

THE MAN: In the name of Our Lord, I, N.N., promise that I will one day
take thee, N.N., as my wife, according to the ordinances of God and
holy Church. I will love thee even as myself. I will keep faith and
loyalty to thee, and so in thy necessities aid and comfort thee; which
things and all that a man ought to do unto his espoused I promise to do
unto thee and to keep by the faith that is in me.

THE WOMAN: In the name of Our Lord, I, N.N., in the form and manner
wherein thou hast promised thyself unto me, do declare and affirm that
I will one day bind and oblige myself unto thee, and will take thee,
N.N., as my husband. And all that thou hast pledged unto me I promise
to do and keep unto thee, by the faith that is in me.


4. Then the priest takes the two ends of his stole and in the form of a
cross places them over the clasped hands of the couple. Holding the
stole in place with his left hand, he says:

PRIEST: I bear witness of your solemn proposal and I declare you
betrothed. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy
Spirit.

R.: Amen.

As he pronounces the last words, he sprinkles them with holy water in
the form of a cross.


5. Thereupon he blesses the engagement ring:

V.: Adjutorium nostrum in nomine Domini
R.: Qui fecit caelum et terram.

V.: Domine, exaudi orationem meam.
R.: Et clamor meus ad te veniat.

V.: Dominus vobiscum.
R.: Et cum spiritu tuo.

V.: Oremus

Omnipotens Deus, Creator et conservator humani generis, ac largitor
aeternae salutis, permitte digneris Spiritum Sanctum Paraclitum super
hunc annulum. Per Dominum Nostrum Jesum Christum, Filium Tuum, Qui
Tecum vivit et regnat in unitate Spiritus Sancti, Deus, per omnia
saecula saeculorum.

R.: Amen.

Et aspergatur aqua benedicta.

English Translation:


V.: Our help is in the name of the Lord,
R.: Who made heaven and earth.

V.: O Lord, hear my prayer.
R.: And let my cry come unto Thee.

V.: The Lord be with you.
R.: And with thy spirit.

V.: Let us pray.

O God Almighty, Creator and preserver of the human race, and the giver
of everlasting salvation, deign to allow the Holy Spirit, the Consoler
to come with His blessing upon this ring. Through Our Lord, Jesus
Christ, Thy Son, Who liveth and reigneth with Thee in the unity of the
Holy Spirit, God, for endless ages.

R.: Amen.

The ring is sprinkled with holy water.


6. The man takes the ring and places it first on the index finger of
the left hand of the woman, saying, "In the name of the Father," then
on the middle finger, adding, "and of the Son"; finally placing and
leaving it on the ring finger, he concludes, "and of the Holy Spirit."


7. The priest opens the missal at the beginning of the Canon, and
presents the page imprinted with the crucifixion to be kissed first by
the man and then by the woman.

8. If Mass does not follow (or even if Mass is to follow, if he deems
it opportune), the priest may read the following passages from Sacred
Scripture:

Tobias 7:8

Tobias said: I will not eat nor drink here this day, unless thou first
grant me my petition, and promise to give me Sara thy daughter.... The
angel said to Raguel: Be not afraid to give her to this man, for to him
who feareth God is thy daughter due to be his wife; therefore another
could not have her.... And Raguel taking the right hand of his
daughter, he gave it unto the right hand of Tobias, saying: The God of
Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob be with you, and
may He join you together, and fulfill His blessing in you. And taking
paper they made a writing of the marriage. And afterwards they made
merry, blessing God.... Then Tobias exhorted the virgin, and said to
her: Sara, arise, and let us pray to God today, and tomorrow, and the
next day; because for these three nights we are joined to God; and when
the third night is over, we will be in our own wedlock. For we are the
children of saints, and we must not be joined together like heathens
that know not God. So they both arose, and prayed earnestly both
together that health might be given them.

R.: Thanks be to God.

John 15:4-12

At that time, Jesus said to His disciples: Abide in Me, and I in you.
As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abide in the vine,
so neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine; you the
branches. He that abideth in Me, and I in him, the same beareth much
fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If any one abide in Me, he
shall be cast forth as a branch, and shall wither, and they shall
gather him up, and cast him into the fire, and he burneth. If you abide
in Me, and my words abide in you, you shall ask whatever you will, and
it shall be done unto you. In this is my Father glorified; that you
bring forth very much fruit, and become my disciples. As the Father
hath loved Me, I also have loved you. Abide in My love. If you keep My
commandments, you shall abide in My love; as I also have kept my
Father's commandments, and do abide in His love. These things I have
spoken to you, that My joy may be in you, and your joy may be filled.
This is My commandment, that you love one another, as I have loved you.

R.: Praise be to thee, O Christ!


9. Lastly, the priest extends his hands over the heads of the couple
and says:

May God bless your bodies and your souls. May He shed His blessing upon
you as He blessed Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. May the hand of the Lord
be upon you, may He send His holy Angel to guard you all the days of
your life. Amen.

Go in peace!

10. Before leaving the church, the betrothed couple as well as the
witnesses will affix their signatures to the document previously
prepared for this purpose.


--REV. PHILIP T. WELLER'S TRANSLATION OF THE ROMAN RITUAL, Milwaukee:
Bruce and Company,


CONSECRATION OF THE FAMILY TO THE HOLY FAMILY

O Jesus, our most loving Redeemer, Who having come to enlighten the
world, with Your teaching and example, willed to pass the greater part
of Your life in humility and subjection to Mary and Joseph in the poor
home of Nazareth, thus sanctifying the Family that was to be an example
for all Christian families, graciously receive our family as it
dedicates and consecrates itself to You this day. Defend us, guard us
and establish among us Your holy fear, true peace and concord in
Christian love: in order that by conforming ourselves to the divine
pattern of Your Family we may be able, all of us without exception, to
attain to eternal happiness.

Mary, dear Mother of Jesus and Mother of us, by your kind intercession
make this our humble offering acceptable in the sight of Jesus, and
obtain for us His graces and blessings.

Saint Joseph, most holy Guardian of Jesus and Mary, assist us by your
prayers in all our spiritual and temporal necessities; that we may be
able to praise our divine Savior Jesus, together with Mary and you, for
all eternity.

Our Father, Hail Mary and Gloria three times.

                      *      *      *

Lord Jesus Christ, Who, being made subject to Mary and Joseph, hallowed
domestic life by Your ineffable virtues; grant that we, with the
assistance of both, may be taught by the example of Your holy Family
and may attain to its everlasting fellowship Who lives and reigns world
without end. Amen. (Roman Missal)



FAMILY PRAYER CARD

Every family should pray together. The time for prayer should be
convenient to parents and children, perhaps shortly after the evening
meal. It is suggested that prayer be led by the father of the family.

In the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Our Father. Hail Mary. Gloria. Apostles' Creed.


THE CONFITEOR

I confess to Almighty God, to Blessed Mary, ever Virgin, to Blessed
Michael the Archangel, to Blessed John the Baptist, to the Holy
Apostles Peter and Paul, and to all the Saints, that I have sinned
exceedingly in thought, word and deed. (Strike breast three times,
saying:) Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous
fault. Therefore I beseech Blessed Mary, ever Virgin, Blessed Michael
the Archangel, Blessed John the Baptist, the Holy Apostles Peter and
Paul, and all the Saints, to pray to the Lord our God for me.

May the Almighty God have mercy on us, forgive us our sins, and bring
us to life everlasting.

May the Almighty and Merciful Lord grant us pardon, absolution, and
remission of all our sins. Amen.

Make an Act of Contrition.


PRAYER FOR THE HOME

Visit, we beseech Thee, O Lord, this home, and drive far from it all
snares of the enemy; let Thy holy Angels dwell herein to preserve us in
peace and let Thy blessing always be upon us. Through Christ, our Lord.
Amen.


PARENTS' PRAYER FOR CHILDREN

Lord God! Thou hast called us to the holy state of matrimony and hast
been pleased to make us parents. We recommend to Thee our dear
children. We entrust them to Thy fatherly care. May they be a source of
consolation, not only to us, but chiefly to Thee, Who are their
Creator. Be watchful, O Lord; help and defend them.

Grant us the grace to guide them in the way of Thy commandments. This
we will do by our own perfect observance of Thy holy law and that of
our holy Mother, the Church. Make us conscious of our grave obligation
to You and bless our efforts to serve You. We humbly ask this blessing
from the bottom of our hearts, for ourselves and for the children whom
Thou hast been pleased to give us.

We dedicate them to Thee, O Lord. Do Thou keep them as the apple of Thy
eye and protect them under the shadow of Thy wings. Make us worthy to
come, at last, to heaven, together with them, giving thanks unto Thee,
Our Father, for the loving care Thou hast had of our entire family, and
praising Thee together through endless ages. Amen.


CHILDREN'S PRAYER FOR THEIR PARENTS

Dear Lord! Fill our parents with Thy choicest blessings, enrich their
souls with Thy holy grace; grant that they may faithfully and
constantly guard that likeness to Thy union with Thy Church, which Thou
didst imprint upon them on their wedding day. Fill them with Thy spirit
of holy fear, which is the beginning of wisdom; inspire them to impart
it to their children. May they ever walk in the way of Thy
commandments, and may we their children be their joy on earth and their
crown of glory in heaven. Finally, Lord God, grant that both our father
and mother may attain to extreme old age and enjoy continuous health in
mind and body. May they give Thee abundant thanks because Thou hast
bestowed upon them the great gift of parenthood. Amen.


PRAYER FOR VOCATIONS TO THE PRIESTHOOD AND RELIGIOUS LIFE

Lord Jesus Christ, Savior of the world! We humbly beg of Thee to
manifest in Thy Church the Spirit Whom Thou didst so abundantly bestow
upon Thy Apostles. Call, we pray Thee, very many to Thy priesthood and
to the religious life. And may zeal for Thy glory and the salvation of
souls inflame those whom Thou hast chosen; may they be saints in Thy
likeness, and may Thy Spirit strengthen them. O Jesus, give us priests
and religious according to Thine own Heart!

O Mary, Mother of Jesus! Obtain for fervent souls the grace to hear and
the courage to follow Thy divine Son in the path of religious
perfection.

Queen of Apostles, pray for us. Queen of Virgins, pray for us.

--CARDINAL SPELLMAN'S PRAYER BOOK


PRAYER FOR A SICK PERSON

Almighty and Eternal God, the everlasting health of those who believe;
hear us for Thy sick servant (name inserted here) for whom we implore
the aid of Thy tender mercy, that, being restored to bodily health, he
(or she) may give thanks to Thee in Thy Church. Through Christ our
Lord. Amen.


BLESSING ON SLEEP

Jesus Christ, my God! I adore Thee and thank Thee for all the graces
Thou hast given me this day. I offer to Thee my sleep and all the
moments of this night, and I beseech Thee to keep me without sin.
Wherefore, I put myself within Thy Sacred Side and under the mantle of
our Lady, my Mother. Let Thy holy angels stand about me and keep me in
peace; and let Thy blessing be upon me.


PRAYER FOR THE DEAD

May the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in
peace. Amen.



ADDITIONAL READINGS ON FAMILY LIFE

{Books that are still in print will have a ">" before them. Books or
pamphlets already electronically on Catholicism-On-Line will have an
asterisk in front of them (*). If you have access to any of the books
and pamphlets below, please contact the System Operator so that they
can make arrangements to borrow the materials so that they can be put
on the system.}

Below are some of the many excellent books and pamphlets, dealing with
various phases of family life:


BOOKS

Banahan, John S. "Instructions for Mixed Marriages." Milwaukee: Bruce,
1957.

Bossard, James H. S., and Boll, Eleanor Stoker. "The Large Family
System." Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, 1956.

Carney, Frances W. "The Purposes of Christian Marriage." Washington, D.
C.: The Catholic University of America Press, 1950.

Clemens, Alphonse H. "Marriage and the Family." New York: Prentice-
Hall, 1957.

Coomes, A. Francis, S.J. "Mothers' Manual." St. Louis: The Queen's
Work, 1946.

Doyle, Charles H. "Sins of Parents." Tarrytown, N. Y.: The Nugent
Press, 1951.

*Filas, Francis L., S.J. "Family for Families." Chicago: Paluch, 1951.

Geisles, Eugene. "You and Your Children." Chicago: Fides, 1955.

Giese, Vincent "Patterns for Teen-agers." Chicago: Fides, 1955.

Haley, Joseph C., C.S.C. "Accent on Purity: Guide for Sex Education."
Chicago: Fides, 1948.

Healy, Edwin F., S.J. "Marriage Guidance." Chicago: Loyola University
Press, 1948.

Imbiorski, Walter (ed.). "The New Cana Manual." Chicago: Delaney, 1957.

Kane, John J. "Marriage and the Family." New York: The Dryden Press,
1952.

Kelly, George A. "The Catholic Marriage Manual." New York: Random
House, 1958.

Leclerq, Jacques. "Marriage and the Family." New York: Frederick Pustet
and Co., 1949.

Lord, Daniel, S.J. "The Guidance of Parents." St. Louis: The Queen's
Work, 1944.

>Mary, Sister, I.H.M., Mary Roberta, Sister, O.P., And Mary Rosary,
Sister, O.P. "The Catholic Mother's Helper in Training Her Children."
Paterson, N. J.: St. Anthony Guild Press, 1948.

Mary De Lourdes, Sister, S.M. "Baby Grows in Age and Grace." Norwalk,
Conn.: Gibson, 1951.

Mersch, Emile, S.J. "Theology of the Mystical Body." St. Louis: Herder,
1951.

Mihanovich, Clement S., Schnepp, Gerald J., S.M., And Thomas, John L.,
S.J. "A Guide to Catholic Marriage." Milwaukee: Bruce, 1955.

*Newland, Mary Reed. "The Year and Our Children." New York: Kennedy,
1956.

*-----"We and Our Children." New York: Kennedy, 1956.

O'Brien, John A. "Happy Marriage: Guidance Before and After." Garden
City N. Y.: Hanover House, 1956.

Odenwald, Robert, M.D. "Your Child's World." New York: Random House,
1958.

Patrice, Sister Jean, C.S.J. "Your Family Circle." Milwaukee: Bruce,
1952.

*Perkins, Mary. "Beginning at Home." Collegeville, Minn.: Liturgical
Press, 1955.

*Plus, Raoul, S.J. "Christ in the Home." New York and Cincinnati:
Pustet, 1951.

Poage, Godfrey, C.P., and Treacy, John P. "Parents Role in Vocations."
Milwaukee: Bruce, 1959.

Sattler, Henry, C.SS.R. "Parents, Children and the Facts of Life." New
York: Doubleday, 1952.

Schneiders, Alexander A. "The Psychology of Adolescence." Milwaukee:
Bruce, 1951.

Strecker, Edward A., MD. "Their Mothers' Sons." New York: Lippincott,
1951.

Strecker, Edward A., M.D., and Lathbury Vincent, M.D. "Their Mothers'
Daughters." New York: Lippincott, 1956.

Theodore, Sister Mary, O.S.F. "The Challenge of the Retarded Child."
Milwaukee: Bruce, 1959.

Thomas, John L., S.J. "The American Catholic Family." Englewood Cliffs,
N. J.: Prentice-Hall, 1956.

-----"A Catholic Viewpoint on Marriage and the Family." Garden City, N.
Y.: Hanover House, 1958.

Ward, Maisie (ed.). "Be Not Solicitous." New York: Sheed and Ward,
1954.

Zimmerman, Carle C., and Cervantes, Lucius F., S.J. "Marriage and the
Family." Chicago: Regnery, 1956.



PAMPHLETS


YOU CAN HAVE A HAPPIER FAMILY


Noll, Bishop John F. "Seven Instructions Before Marriage." Huntington,
Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

O'Brien, John A. "The Christian Home: A Nation's Bulwark." Huntington,
Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Pius XI, Pope. "Encyclical Letter on Christian Marriage." New York:
America Press.

Schmiedeler, Edgar, O.S.B. "Your Home: A Church in Miniature."
Washington, D.C.: National Catholic Welfare Conference.

"Towards a Better Family Life." Washington, D. C.: National Catholic
Welfare Conference.


WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT

"Concerning Your Children." Washington, D. C.: National Catholic
Welfare Conference.

"Father, the Head of the Home." Washington D. C.: National Catholic
Welfare Conference.

Hynes, Emerson. "Seven Keys to a Christian Home." Washington, D. C.:
National Catholic Welfare Conference.

Lord, Daniel A., S. J. "Parenthood." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen s Work.

Lovasik, Lawrence G., S.V.D. "Making Marriage Click." St. Paul, Minn.:
Radio Replies Press.


Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "How to Be a Good Husband." Ligouri, Mo.:
Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

-----"How to Be a Good Wife." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet office.


YOU ARE YOUR CHILD'S BEST TEACHER

Arnold, Oren. "Love Enough to Go Around." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria
Press.

Baruch, Dorothy. "How to Discipline Your Children." New York: Public
Affairs Pamphlets.

"The Parent-Educator Series in Five Volumes": "Parental
Responsibility," "Teaching Prayer in the Home," "Teaching Obedience in
the Home," "Teaching Honesty in the Home," and "Teaching Citizenship in
the Home." Washington, D. C.: The Confraternity of Christian Doctrine.


YOUR CHILD'S MORAL TRAINING

Dougherty, Daniel M. "Catholic Child Guidance." New York: The Paulist
Press.

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "Questions People Ask about Their Children." St
Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Questions Parents Ask about Raising
Children." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

Schmiedeler, Edgar, O.S.B. "Parent and Child." New York: The Paulist
Press.


WHY SEND YOUR CHILD TO CATHOLIC SCHOOLS?

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "Go to a Catholic College." St. Louis, Mo.. The
Queen's Work.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Rules for Schooling." Ligouri, Mo.:
Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

"Should Children Learn about God in School?" St. Louis, Mo.: Knights of
Columbus Religious Information Bureau.


HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD ABOUT SEX

Bruckner, P. J., S.J. "How to Give Sex Instructions." St. Louis, Mo.:
The Queen's Work.

Conway, Msgr. J.D. "What They Ask about Modesty, Chastity and Morals."
Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

Kelly, John R., S.J. "The Right Answers to Teen-age Boys Sex
Questions." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Kirsch, Felix M., O.F.M., Cap. "The Sex Problem: A Challenge and an
Opportunity." New York: The Paulist Press.

-----"Training in Chastity." Huntington Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "Love, Sex and the Teen-agers." St. Louis, Mo.:
The Queen's Work.

Sattler, H.V., C.SS.R. "Educating Parents to Sex Instructions."
Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

Schmiedeler, Edgar, O.S.B. "Training in Chastity." Washington, D. C.
Family Life Bureau, National Catholic Welfare Conference.


WHAT OUTSIDE INFLUENCES CAN DO TO YOUR CHILD

Broderick, Msgr. Edwin B. "TV and Your Child." New York: The Paulist
Press.


THE CHILD WHO IS EXCEPTIONAL

Jacob, Walter. "New Hope for the Retarded Child." New York: Public
Affairs Pamphlets.

Wishik, Samuel, M.D. "How to Help Your Handicapped Child." New York:
Public Affairs Pamphlets.

Yahraes, Herbert. "Epilepsy--The Ghost Is Out of the Closet." New York:
Public Affairs Pamphlets.


SHOULD MOTHERS WORK?

Dunn, Margaret M. "Careers Do Not Make the Woman." Washington, D. C.:
National Catholic Welfare Conference.

Senser, Bob. "Should Wives Work?" Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Marie Press.


WHAT WILL YOUR CHILD DO IN LIFE?

D'orsonnens, J. I., S.J. "Choosing Your Career." New York: The Paulist
Press.

Ganss, George E., S.J., "On Thinking Out Vocations to Four States in
Life." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

Gartland, Frank, C.S.C. "Best Source of Vocations." Huntington, Ind.:
Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Krieger, B. J. "How to Recognize a Vocation." Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian
Pamphlet Office.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Can Single Women Be Happy?" Ligouri, Mo.:
Ligourian Pamphlet Offiice.


HOW TO HANDLE YOUR TEEN-AGER

"The Adolescent in Your Family" Washington, D. C.: Children's Bureau
Social Security Administration, Department of Health, Education and
Welfare.

Burnite, Alvena. "Tips for Teens." Milwaukee: Bruce Publishing Co.

Claude, Robert, S.J. "The Training of the Adolescent." New York: The
Paulist Press.

Donnelly, Antoinette. "Tips for Teeners." New York: Catholic
Information Society.

Kelly, Gerald L., S.J. "Modern Youth and Chastity." St. Louis, Mo.: The
Queen's Work.

Landis, Paul H. "Coming of Age: Problems of Teen-agers." New York:
Public Affairs Pamphlets.


PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR MARRIAGE

Breitenbeck, G., C.SS.R. "How to Arrange for Your Wedding." Ligouri,
Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

Connell, Francis J., C.SS.R. "Marriage--Human or Divine?" New York: The
Paulist Press.

Conway, Msgr. J.D. "What They Ask about Keeping Company." Notre Dame,
Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

-----"What They Ask about Love and Dating." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria
Press.

-----"What They Ask about Engagement." Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria
Press.

Gartland, Frank E., C.S.C. "Boy Meets Girl the Christian Way."
Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Healy, Mary Lanigan. "When to Train for Marriage." New York: Catholic
Information Society.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Questions Young People Ask about Marriage."
Ligouri, Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "The Girl Worth Choosing." St. Louis, Mo.: The
Queen's Work.

-----"The Man of Your Choice." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.

O'Brien, John A. "Choosing a Partner for Marriage." Notre Dame, Ind.:
Ave Maria Press.

-----"Falling in Love." Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

-----"How to Get Married." Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Poage, Godfrey, C.P. "What You Ought to Know Before Marriage." St.
Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work.


HOW TO AVOID A MIXED MARRIAGE IN YOUR FAMILY

Carroll, Thomas. "Mixing Your Marriage." Collegeville, Minn.:
Liturgical Press.

Conway, Msgr. J.D. "What They Ask about Mixed Marriages." Notre Dame,
Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

-----"What They Ask about Marriage Outside the Church." Notre Dame,
Ind.: Ave Maria Press.

Ginder, Richard. "A Mixed Marriage?" New York: Catholic Information
Society.

Lilly, Warren, S.J. "The Mixed Marriage Prenuptial Contract." New York:
The Catholic Information Society.

Lord, Daniel A., S.J. "Marry Your Own." St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's
Work.

Miller, Donald F., C.SS.R. "Can Mixed Marriages Be Happy?" Ligouri,
Mo.: Ligourian Pamphlet Office.

O'Brien, John A. "Catholic Marriage--How Achieve It?" Huntington, Ind.:
Our Sunday Visitor Press.


RELIGIOUS PRACTICES IN THE FAMILY

Busch, William. "Family Prayers." Collegeville, Minn.: The Liturgical
Press.

Byles, Katherine Delmonico. "Religion in the Home for Elementary School
Children." New York: The Paulist Press.

-----"Religion in the Home for the Pre-school Child." New York: The
Paulist Press.

*McLoughlin, Helen. "Family Advent Customs." Collegeville, Minn.: The
Liturgical Press.

*-----"Family Customs: Easter to Pentecost." Collegeville, Minn.: The
Liturgical Press.

*-----"Christmas to Candlemas in a Catholic Home." Collegeville Minn.:
The Liturgical Press.

*Mueller, Theresa. "Family Life in Christ." Collegeville, Minn.: The
Liturgical Press.

Schmiedeler, Edgar, O.S.B. "Prayers for the Family." Huntington, Ind.:
Our Sunday Visitor Press.

Stokes, Bernard, O.F.M. "How to Make Your House a Home." Washington, D.
C.: National Catholic Welfare Conference.

*Weiser, Francis X., S.J. "Religious Customs in the Family."
Collegeville Minn.: The Liturgical Press. (Reprinted as "The Year of
Our Lord in the Christian Home")



INDEX


A

Adolescence,
    emotional needs in
    physical and emotional changes in
    practical problems of
    worry about sexual development during
Advent wreath
Alcoholics Anonymous
Alcoholism
American Association of Marriage counselors


B

Babies, naming of
Behavior problems
    when to seek help for
Berdie, Prof. Ralph S.
Betrothal rite
Bible, nightly reading of
Birth control
    artificial
Births, illegitimate
Blasphemy
Books
Bowlby, Dr. John
Bowman, Dr. Henry
Boys,
    and adolescent gestures of emancipation
    pre-puberty instruction for
    punishment of


C

Cana Conferences
Casey, Monsignor Lawrence B.
Catholic Charities
Catholic colleges, advantages of
Catholic schools,
    broad social and racial bases of
    canon law on
    laity's demand for
    reasons to send children to
    scholastic successes of
    study of religion as part of curriculum in
Catholic Youth Organization
Cerebral palsy
Chaperoning
Charity
Chastity,
    during engagement
    male
Child Welfare League
Children,
    adopted
    and art of self-denial
    Bible stories for
    bright
    choice of occupation for
    "citizen of two worlds"
    college for
    community influences on
    companions of
    consecration of, to Holy Family
    consistency toward
    direction of
    disappointing
    and doubts of religious truths
    effect of outside influences on
    encouragement of talents of
    exceptional
    emotional problems of
    failure to receive Communion by
    father's discipline of
    father's interest in welfare of
    and formation of conscience
    and formation of good habits
    intellectual limitations of
    and knowledge of God
    in large families
    of mixed marriages
    modesty in
    moral training of
    needs of
    nine considerations to impress on
    obedience instilled in
    out-of-wedlock
    overprotection of
    parents joy in
    with physical defects
    preparation for marriage of
    preparation for puberty of
    proper attitudes about sex in
    punishment of
    questions about sex of
    with religious vocation
    and respect for authority
    rules necessary for
    "special days" of
    spiritual training of
    toilet training of
    understanding of
    use of dirty words by
    of working mothers
Christmas, observances
Cicognani, Amleto Giovanni Cardinal
Claude, Father Robert
Comic books
Communications, between parents and children
Confession, attitudes on
Confiteor
Contraception, see Birth Control
Converts
Courtship, serious purposes of
Cushing, Richard Cardinal


D

Dances
Dating,
    cautions on
    encouragement of
    with non-Catholics
Death, children's reaction to
de Lourdes, Sister Mary
Desertion
"Dirty words"
Discipline, of children
Divorce,
    children of
Drug addiction


E

Easter, observances
Education, Catholic
    higher
    nonsectarian
    religious
Employment, part-time, for mothers
Engagements, length of
Epilepsy
Extreme Unction


F

Families,
    disgrace in
    and economic factors
    happier
    five characteristics of large
    advantages of
    disadvantages of
    love relationship in
    modern pressures on
    and mutual sacrifice
    one-parent
    size, limitation of
    small
    symbolism of
    troubled, help for
    true Christian, definition of
    where to take problems of,
Fast, rules of
Father,
    four fundamental rules for
    good
    as head of family role of
    substitute
    Father "image"
Feast days, celebration of
Fichter, Father Joseph


G

Gavitt, Frank
Genius, how to handle
Gilbert, Eugene
Girls, punishment of
Going steady
Gorer, Geoffrey
Grace, saying of


H

Holy Eucharist
Holy Family
Home,
    alternatives to work outside, for mother
    broken
    foster
    religious practices in
Homework
Homosexuality
Hoover, J. Edgar


I

Institute for the Crippled and Disabled
Intercourse, premarital


J

Jackson, Justice Robert H.
Jefferson, Thomas
John Chrysostom, St.
Juvenile delinquency


K

Keller, Father James
Kirk, Grayson


L

Laity, ambitions for
Landis, Judson T. and Mary G.
Legion of Decency
Lennon, Dr. Roger
Lent, observances
Lying


M

Magazines
Marriage,
    average age at
    forced
    kinds of men and women to avoid in
    mixed
    preparation of children for
    preparation for ceremony of
    responsibility in
    as sacrament
    sexual adjustment in
    sexual union in
    versus single state
    as vocation
    valid, impediments to
Mass, family attendance at
Masturbation
Mate, qualities to seek in
Menstruation
Mentally retarded, the
Mihanovich, Dr. Clement S.
Mixed marriage,
    Church rules on
    and converts
    how to avoid
    opposition of all faiths to
    opposition of Church to
    Protestant attitude toward
    strain of adjustment to in-laws in
Modesty
"Moonlighters"
Mother,
    good
    as heart of home
    loss of a
    overindulgent
    role of
    substitute
    unmarried
    working
Motion pictures


N

Nagging
National Association of Mental Health
National Epilepsy League
Neurosis
Newman Club
Nightmares
Nocturnal emissions


O

Odenwald, Dr. Robert
Overprotection


P

Parenthood,
    unpleasant tasks of
    consideration of children's ambitions by
Parents,
    as both father and mother
    as children's best teacher
    children as insurance against loneliness for
    with children in public schools
    and dangers to avoid
    of exceptional children
    foster
    inability to talk about sex of
    job as
    non-Catholic
    and obligation to give children sex education
    as partners with God
    provision of normal home life by
    recognition of changing conditions by
    as team with teachers
    as triangle with God and children
    unwillingness to give responsibility of
Parent-Teacher Associations
Parish priest, as family counselor
Parochial schools, see Catholic schools
Parties
Penance
Play therapy
Pope Leo XIII, on religious education
Pope Pius XI, on motion pictures
Pope Pius XII,
    on sex education
    on communications
Prayers,
    children's, for parents
    for the dead
    evening
    family
    for the home
    morning and night
    parents', for their children
    for the sick and dying
    for vocations to priesthood and religious life
Pre-Cana Conference
Pregnancies, pre-marital
    teen-age
Psychiatrist
Psychoanalysis
Psychologist
Psychosomatic disorders
Public schools
    compared with Catholic
    parents' responsibility for Catholic child in
Punishment, physical


R

Radio
Religious practices, in the home
Religious vocation
    possibility of Catholic parents thwarting
Rosary, evening recitation of
Ryan, Monsignor Carl J.


S

Saints' days, celebration of
Schnepp, Brother Gerald
Schools, see Catholic schools; Public schools
Secularism
Self-denial
    in marriage partners
Self-education
Self-pity
Separation
Sex,
    American obsession with
    deviations in
    early experimentation in
Sex education,
    avoidance of street corner knowledge and
    for children
    gradual
    need for intimacy in
    related to belief in God and natural law
Sickroom, articles for
Sin, of impurity
    no need to stress
    opportunities for
    removal of possible occasions of
"Social mobility"
Socialism
Society of St. Vincent de Paul
Sorokin, Pitirim A.
Special observances, throughout the year
Spellman, Francis Cardinal
Standard of living
Stealing
Stepparents, guidance for
Strictness
"Sunday Catholics"


T

Teachers,
    character of
    as team with parents
Teen-agers,
    allowances for
    basic religious observations of
    code of social behavior for
    conformity among
    factors in crisis of
    handling of
    insecure future of
    needs of
    pregnancies among
Television
Terman, Dr. Lewis M.
Thomas, Father John L.
Trouble, danger signs of


V

Vocation, secular, three requirements of


W

Watts, Dr. Leonard H.
Widows
Wife, role of
Women,
    Catholic
    Catholic college education for
    in the labor force
Working mothers
    alternatives to work outside the home and
    economic disadvantages of
    harm caused by
    to family unit
    to herself
    to her husband
    reasons for