ON THE CHRONIC EFFECTS OF BULLYING
(Posted 2013-05-01 14:06:23 by Ray Lopez)

One thing most bullying victims always say is that, "it gets better". Since
most people experience bullying between the ages of about 8 and 18, this is
taken to mean that your bullying problems will be mostly gone when you turn
18 and begin the move into adult life.

For the most part, this is true. Bullying is much less overt when you are
an adult, usually taking the form of workplace dominance and various
asshole-like behaviors. Rarely does anyone openly ridicule, insult, or hit
you. And if they do, you can sue them!

However, one thing that does NOT go away are the chronic effects of
bullying. These effects vary greatly based upon your own general
psychological makeup, and the nature of the bullying you received. Recent
research has show that people who were bullied in school are much more
likely to suffer from depression and anxiety disorders. No kidding, right?
When you feel like the whole world is against you, and you can't do
anything right, it is hard to not be depressed and anxious.

I was horribly bullied from the ages of about 8 to 17. A lot of it was of
my own making, because I had no idea how to defend myself, nor was there
anyone who could help me in any way. I was beat up, called names, and
shunned during this entire time. By the time I was 16 years old, I had my
first major depressive episode, and have had several others since then.

After some 30 years I've gotten to where I can face what happened to me and
put it to rest. The main effects of bullying I have experienced are:

       * Extremely low self-esteem. When you have everyone around you telling you
what a loser you are, it ultimately becomes easier to accept that as fact.
People used to be shocked by how cruelly I put myself down all the time.

       * Depression: In my case, the depression was the result of learned
helplessness. I felt like a dog who was kept in a cage and who's only
contact with its master was to be beaten and yelled at. At some point, you
learn you have nowhere to turn, and just sink into a helpless pit of
despair.

       * Cynicism about human nature: In my opinion, people are evil pieces of
shit, by default. It is the rare individual who is able to rise above this
base nature and be a truly good person.

       * Maladaptive relationships: I've no clue what it feels like to love or to
be loved. Emotionally, I feel that anyone who makes a claim that they love
me is lying in order to use me. I am always waiting for the other shoe to
drop. As a result people find it hard to form any sort of relationship with
me, because I come across as aloof.


Over the last few years, I have come very far in dealing with all of these
issues. I no longer "know" that I am a loser, nor do I "act" like a loser.
But I do still "feel" like a loser, in spite of the fact that I am a
relatively successful adult with good health, a brilliant mind, and a
loving family. I think that finally admitting to myself that all of this is
due to my childhood fears and experiences will help a lot to finally
overcome this emotional pain.� There are always those who are going to say,
"Quit whining and get over it!".� My only response to that kind of crap is
this [ http://salsa.net/fu ].

On a more positive note, I think that my experience with being bullied has
helped to make me a very humble person. That's good, because of my
intelligence and other abilities, I could easily be an arrogant asshole.
I'm also fearless, not intimidated or afraid to be blunt or confront anyone
about anything.� The only other good thing that has come out of being
bullied is that my wife and I have raised our son and daughter to be keenly
aware of the nature of their relationships with others, and have taught
them many ways of defending themselves from bullies.

The bottom line is that it does get better with time, but you have to be
ready, willing, and able to deal with the consequences of being bullied.
Don't let those experiences define you for the rest of your life.

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