Atekcad.116
net.general
utcsrgv!utzoo!decvax!ucbvax!ihnss!cbosg!teklabs!tekcad!franka
Sat Feb 27 14:14:20 1982
Video Vegetables
Video Vegatables
(or I hated the stuff mom used to cook so why bring it up?)
Lets face it folks, there are a lot of useless vegetables out there.
You know, the ones that nobody in their right minds ever ate. OK, maybe your
parents ate them once or twice a year, but otherwise, they were never even
thought about, let alone eaten. I'm not refering to the vegetables that kids
generally hate, e.g., brocolli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, etc., but the
really STRANGE ones, such as squash, rutibaga, eggplant, turnips, and others
too numerous to mention. Now nobody really ever liked these vegetables then
(remember that your father (who would eat ANYTHING) didn't ask for seconds
on rutibaga) and nobody really likes them now (when was the last time your
favorite local restaurant had turnips as a choice of vegetable?). We have a
responsibility to future generations to stamp out these disgusting, noxious,
icky, gross vegetables and for this reason, I am advocating the formation of
a group called the NASODNIGV, the National Association to Stamp Out Disgust-
ing, Noxious, Icky, Gross Vegetables!
Sure, it will be tough going at first, what with all those high school
Home Economics teachers out there with nothing better to do than shove eggplant
down some poor kid's unsuspecting throat and there will always be some
nutritional looney out there to tell us that these vegetables really are good
for us and we should shut up and eat them because there are starving children
in (China, India, Bangladesh, Harlem, fill in the name of your favorite under-
developed country here) who would be OVERJOYED to have a few bites of rutabaga,
not to mention the women's magazines who could no longer write trash articles
on "101 Uses for that Lonely Turnip in Your Vegetable Crisper", but with hard
work and perseverence, we could overcome even these formidable obstacles.
We must realize that federal grants could not be expected (what with
the federal budget in the shape its in), so we must find a way to make our
own way in the world. However, I believe that I have hit upon a solution not
onlt to make a large amount of money, but to also teach the nation's youth
anti-turnip values at the same time. I propose that we market a new video
game (Ta da da da da da!):
FUNGUS MAN
In this game, a figure of a man runs through a giant refrigerator
full of junk food, meats, fruits and good vegetables, gobbling them up as
he goes. However, at fixed intervals, a group of icky vegtables come up
from the vegetable crisper and chase the man. If they catch him, he must eat
them and dies with a horrid taste in his mouth, unless he can pick up one of
several fungus spores lying around the fridge. If he gets to a fungus spore
he can, for a short period of time, mold the icky vegatables and throw them
out of the refrigerator into a waiting garbage disposal (where they belong
anyway). After a while, though, the spores die and its look out again,
Charlie!
I think that this game would be an instant hit (if only for its
extreme originality) and would certainly bring in the bucks to fund our
fledgling organization.
There is only one more thing to do and that is to decide an agenda
as to how to stamp out these horrid vegetables in our lifetime. I propose
that we start with lobbying Congress to give money to farmers not to grow
these disgusting vegetables (we do for useful vegetables now). If this did
not work, we could arrange a march up Pennsylvania Avenue followed by a
vegetable burning in front of the White House. Finally, as a last resort,
we could all become "vegetable revolutionaries", kidnapping high govern-
mental officials and force-feeding them squash and rutabagas until the
government met our demands!
So, I think its about time to stop this vegetative scourge upon
our great nation. We must mobilize if we wish to have a eggplant-free
world where our children would not have to cope with the fear of rutabagas!
We have nothing to fear but turnips themselves!
Yours, In Disgust for Icky Vegatables,
F. A. Adrian
(ucbvax!teklabs!tekcad!franka)
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