F I D O N E W S Volume 16, Number 51 20 Dec 1999

F I D O N E W S Volume 16, Number 51 20 Dec 1999
+----------------------------+---------------------------------------+
| The newsletter of the | ISSN 1198-4589 Published by: |
| FidoNet community | "FidoNews" |
| _ | 1-717-732-6820 1:270/720 |
| / \ | |
| /|oo \ | |
| (_| /_) | |
| _`@/_ \ _ | |
| | | \ \\ | Editor: Douglas Myers, 1:270/720 |
| | (*) | \ )) | [email protected] |
| |__U__| / \// | |
| _//|| _\ / | |
| (_/(_|(____/ | |
| (jm) | Newspapers should have no friends. |
| | -- JOSEPH PULITZER |
+----------------------------+---------------------------------------+

Table of Contents
1. EDITORIAL ................................................ 1
Hot Dogs, Baseball, Apple Pie, and the GI ................ 1
2. ARTICLES ................................................. 2
Full Moon ................................................ 2
A New Fidonet Structure? ................................. 2
ECHO TALK - Y2K Information .............................. 3
3. COLUMNS .................................................. 7
Fidonet-related sites .................................... 7
Ol'WDB: Life from Domestic Viewpoint ..................... 10
4. NET HUMOR ................................................ 12
The good, the bad, & the ugly ............................ 12
Santa Statistics ......................................... 12
5. COMIX IN ASCII ........................................... 15
Santa Cow and his Rein Cows .............................. 15
6. FIDONEWS INFORMATION ..................................... 16
Masthead ................................................. 16
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 1 20 Dec 1999

=================================================================
EDITORIAL
=================================================================

Hot Dogs, Baseball, Apple Pie, and the GI
Doug Myers

It's strange what can border on contraversy. We've argued on Fido
about our Coordinators, about our mail movers, about those who have
turned internet technology to Fido's advangage, about those who
haven't...

But in the last week we've come dangerously close to tramping on
icons - at least one particular icon held dear in the United States.
Ol'WDB passed on a call from some writer to honer the American
Soldier for his part in helping defend the country so we may all
enjoy Christmas. The image this invokes in most of us here in the
US - that of young men in the prime of their life being asked to
interrupt their lives, leave their wives and children and family, to
fight on foreign soil - has got to be confusing to those of another
culture. The article prompted at least one confused response
wondering if Jesus was American and what did the American
Servicement - the GI - have to do with Christmas.

Okay... it's tough to explain these days. During the two World
Wars, the US entery into battle was delayed and reluctant... and
wiedly approved by our allies. But our entry into the Korean War
was not so widely regarded - and in Viet Nam we had our rear ends
beat by what was supposed to be an inferior force. Though we didn't
treat our returning veterans well as they returned from these
unpopular war, and barely acknowledged those who didn't return, it
was tough to ignore the sacrifice they'd made forever.

I've heard all the stories about the atrocities committed by some
who wore the GI's uniform, and even share the reservations of some
who question our involvment in recent skirmishes... but if you don't
mind, I'll still honer the icons. There's no greater pastime than a
major league baseball game, no more perfect meal than a hot dog
topped off by a piece of Mom's apple pie, no vehicle that can
outperform the ol' 57 Chevy (once it's properly tuned, of course),
and no greater hero than the American fighting man who has risked
his life that the rest of us can take our freedom for granted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 2 20 Dec 1999

=================================================================
ARTICLES
=================================================================

Full Moon
Ol'WDB

This year will be the first full moon to occur on the winter
solstice, Dec. 22, commonly called the first day of winter in, 133
years. Since a full moon on the winter solstice occurs in
conjunction with a lunar perigee (point in the moon's orbit that
is closest to Earth). The moon will appear about 14% larger than
it does at apogee (the point in its elliptical orbit that is
farthest from the Earth). Since the Earth is also several million
miles closer to the sun at this time of the year than in the
summer, sunlight striking the moon is about 7% stronger making it
brighter. Also, this will be the closest perigee of the Moon for
the year since the moon's orbit is constantly deforming. If the
weather is clear and there is a snow cover where you live, it is
believed that even car headlights will be superfluous.

On December 21, 1866, the Lakota Sioux took advantage of this
combination of occurrences and staged a devastating retaliatory
ambush on soldiers in the Wyoming Territory.

In laymen's terms it will be a super bright full moon, much more
than the usual AND it hasn't happened this way for 133 years!

Our ancestors 133 years ago (1866) saw this. Our descendants 100
or 200 or so years from now will see this again.

I hope someone else might find this interesting! Remember this
will happen December 22, 1999.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A Proposed new Structure for Fidonet
by John H. Guillory (1:3807/1 [email protected])

There has been a lot of talk recently over various changes to
fidonet. Many sugest we should not be bound to zone mail hours,
some have commented that with the majority of fidonet getting their
netmail and echo mail via internet, the need to be grouped via
region is not needed as badly. Granted, we can't just throw all
nodes in 1 zone/region/network, because then the NC would have a
nightmare keeping up with everything, and the RC and ZC wouldn't
have anything to do. An option I have been thinking about lately
would be to group BBS's via Common Intrest. Rather than break
fidonet by a sudden change, I say create a few extra zones, eg.
Zones 7-9, which would then be known as the Common Intrest Zones.

Zone 7 could be defined as the Amature BBS's (I know, Fidonet is an
amature Network, and as such all BBS's should be amature, but by
amature here, I mean any BBS that does not fit into zones 8 or 9).
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 3 20 Dec 1999

Zone 8 would be defined as the Business/Support Zone. Groups in
this zone would include the Binkley Term Support Board, IREX
Support, FMail Support, Portal Support, etc. The Region would
define the type of support, Network would define the product. Any
additional support boards/distribution boards, etc. would be listed
under the network for the product. Such that if I was looking for
the latest version of Portal of Power, I could be guaranteed to find
it by looking in Zone 8, in the Mailer Region, under the Portal
Network on any of the BBS's within that network. (It should become
clear here what the intentions of this are). Any product who's
programmers offers support via Fidonet would be listed in Zone 8.

Zone 9 could be for Non-Profiet Organizations, if there's any left
in fidonet.

Within Zone 7, we'd have Regions broken down by main Intrest with
networks being a sub-intrest. Eg. Suppose I'm looking for some MIDI
files, I could then go to Zone 7, Multi-Media Region, MIDI Network,
and find a list of BBS's that specialize in MIDI files.

The way I see it, we are loosing many Fidonet BBS's on a regular
basis, and many have stated they will pull the plug on or before
Dec. 31, 1999 due to lack of callers. We need to help the users
find the BBS's they want in order to save whats left of fidonet, and
change the direction back to a Growing Network. Imagine sysop's
providing BBS listings to the users based on primary features of the
BBS's. We could also have online doors that let the users browse
the nodelist for other BBS's. Another benefit to this is that the
BBS's who share a common intrest tend to communicate with each other
more frequently. By sharing the same Net number, many BBS's would
require the users to only enter the Node number of the BBS. It'd be
that much quicker and easier for the users to communicate with other
users via netmail in common intrest networks. It's just something
I've been thinking about, and wanted to post in fidonews for others
to ponder and post their opinions.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

. -- -- -- -- -- ECHO TALK -- -- -- -- -- .
| Food for thought from Fido's echomail. |
| Purloined without permission by D Myers |
` -- -- -- -- -- -- - -- -- -- -- -- -- '

Rumor has it that in less than two weeks, the Internet will fall
from the sky and it will be the end of civilization as we know it.
And it's all because computers can't count past 2000, I'm told.
Like many sysops, I've known all along that I should be preparing
for these momentous events by buying a new computer, upgrading all
my software, and adjusting my attitude.

Somewhere along the way, the system fell apart for me... I never
knew quite what to do. I learned a few simple tests I could run on
my system to tell if it would work in the year 2000... and then
heard that it may not work even if the tests work. I've learned
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 4 20 Dec 1999

that much of the software designed for Fidonet won't work in the
year 2000, but then I learned that the software I was going to
replace it with wouldn't work either.

The information has been so bad that I've simply taken a fatalistic
attitude... I'll wait until after Y2K and see what's busted. It's
not a bad approace: rumor has it that I won't be able to use my
hardware or software, so anything I can actually use is a bonus.
I'm not due for any disappointment using this approach.

But in his regional echoes and in the Z1C echo, Darrell Salter has
taken a more ambitious approach and is actually discussing operating
systems and software. I don't know how accurate all of it is, but
if you're not content to stick your head in the sand and wait for
what Y2K brings, here's some information.

----- fidoy2k.txt begins -----
Y2K INFORMATION FOR FIDONET SYSOPS
==================================

Note: As this database fills out we should come up with a pretty
good idea of what is, and isn't Y2K compliant. Please notify me of
any errors or additions to the following list. If you are unsure
about a piece of software you are running, notify me and it will be
added to the list, and perhaps someone can notify us of it's Y2K
compliancy. By all means, please contact the software's author to
verify.

Sysops may download Fidonet related Y2K programs, updates, and
patches from my BBS or by surfing to my web site at
http://sparkys.dyndns.org and going to the Y2K section of the File
Archives. ftp://sparkys.dyndns.org also works.

OPERATING SYSTEMS
=================

DOS:
-!-
MSDOS ------ NO! Several problems, no fixes planned.
DR-DOS ------ YES
PC-DOS 2000 - YES
CALDERA DOS - YES

WINDOWS:
-------
WINDOWS 3.1 ---------------- NO! Problems. Some patches.
WINDOWS 95 ----------------- Patches required
WINDOWS 98 ----------------- Patches required
WINDOWS 98 SECOND EDITION -- Patches required
WINDOWS NT ----------------- YES (Service Pack 4 required)
WINDOWS 2000 --------------- Beta, should be ok

OS/2:
----
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 5 20 Dec 1999

OS/2 V.3 -------- YES (FixPak 40 required)
OS/2 V.4 -------- YES (FixPak 10 or higher required)
Note: TCP/IP and MPTS must be upgraded seperately.

LINUX:
-----
All Versions - YES

FIDONET SOFTWARE
================

NODELIST COMPILERS:
------------------
FASTLIST - YES
QNODE ---- YES
XLAX ----- UNKNOWN

FRONT END MAILERS:
-----------------
FRONTDOOR ------ YES (version 2.26 required)
BINKLEYTERM ---- NO (Cosmetic problems)
BINKLEYTERM XE - YES
ARGUS ---------- YES (Versions 3.1 and above)

BBS:
-!-
CONCORD ------ YES (Version 0.01g5 and above)
MAJORBBS ----- NO!
MAXIMUS ------ YES (Y2K Patch required)
SEARCHLIGHT -- YES (Version 5.02 and above)
WILDCAT! ----- YES (Version 4 and above)
WORLDGROUP --- YES (Version 3.1 and above)
REMOTEACCESS - UNKNOWN
SPITFIRE BBS - YES (Version 3.6 and above)

MAIL PROCESSORS:
---------------
FASTECHO -- YES (Version 1.46 and above)
SQUISH ---- YES (Y2K Patch required)
WATERGATE - YES (beta)
GECHO ----- YES (non-shareware)

FILE ECHO PROCESSORS:
--------------------
ALLFIX - YES (Versions 5 and above)

NETMAIL MANAGERS:
----------------
NETMGR - YES (Y2K Patch required)

NETMAIL UTILITIES:
-----------------
CFROUTE - YES

MSC. UTILITIES
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 6 20 Dec 1999

--------------
MSGTRACK --- UNKNOWN

EDITORS:
-------
TIMED ------- YES (Y2K Patch required)
MSGED ------- YES (TE Versions)
GOLDED ------ UNKNOWN
FLEETSTREET - YES

Contact Information:
-------------------
Fidonet: 1:229/2
BinkD: sparkys.dyndns.org
Email: [email protected]
Web: http://sparkys.dyndns.org
Ftp: ftp://sparkys.dyndns.org

Links:
-----
www.microsoft.com/Year2000
www.software.ibm.com/year2000
www.novell.com/y2k
www.intel.com/Year2000
www.amd.com/support/y2k/y2k.html
www.cyrix.com
www.award.com
www.phoenix.com
----- fidoy2k.txt ends -----

-----------------------------------------------------------------

FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 7 20 Dec 1999

=================================================================
COLUMNS
=================================================================

! = New entries this week
? = not responding
?? = unknown content, doesn't look like fidonet

. -- -- -- -- --- -- -- -- -- .
| FIDONET-RELATED SITES |
` -- -- -- -- --- -- -- -- -- '
Last update: Dec 18, 1999

FidoNet
Homepage: http://www.fidonet.org
FidoNews: http://www.fidonews.org [HTML]
ftp://ftp.nwstar.com/fidonet/fidonews/
ftp://ftp.sstar.com/fidonet/fnews/
!Echomail links: http://www.osirusoft.com/fidoip.html
SDS Files: http://fidobbs.dk/download (Web Access to SDS)
FTSC page: http://www.ftsc.org/
General: http://owls.com/~jerrys/fidonet.html
List server:
http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/fidonet-discussion

Zone 1: http://www.z1.fidonet.org
Region 10: http://www.psnw.com/~net205/region10.html
http://www.tnl-online.com/andy/rgn10.htm
Net 103: http://www.webworldinc.com/club103/
Net 203: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/8687/net203index.html
Region 11: http://oeonline.com/~garyg/region11/
Net 2410: http://oeonline.com/~garyg/net2410/
Region 13: http://www.net264.org/r13.htm
Net 264: http://www.net264.org/
Region 14:
Net 282: http://www.rxn.com/~net282/
Region 17: http://www.nwstar.com/~region17/
Region 18: http://techshop.pdn.net/fido/
Region 19: http://members.home.net/hbh3/r19
Net 124: http://www.startext.net/np/net124
http://texoma.net/~flv
Net 130: http://www.startext.net/homes/net130
Net 393: http://www.chatter.com/~wb/
Zone 1 Elist http://members.xoom.com/echolist/

Zone 2: http://www.z2.fidonet.org
ftp://ftp.sstar.com/fidonet/zone2 (Z2 nodelists etc)
Region 20: http://www.fidonet.pp.se (in Swedish)
Region 23: http://www.fido.dk (in Danish)

Region 24: http://www.swb.de/personal/flop/gatebau.html (German)
Fido-IP: http://home.nrh.de/fido/ (English/German)
Region 25: http://www.literary.freeserve.co.uk/net2502/
Region 26: http://www.nemesis.ie
REC 26: http://www.nrgsys.com/orb
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 8 20 Dec 1999

Region 27: http://telematique.org/ft/r27.htm
Region 29: http://www.rtfm.be/fidonet/ (French)
Region 30: http://www.fidonet.ch (German)
? Region 33: http://www.fidoitalia.net (Italian)
Region 34: http://www.pobox.com/cnb/r34.htm (Spanish)
REC34: http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/4552/
Region 36: http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/7207/
Region 38: http://public.st.carnet.hr/~blagi/bbs/adriam.html
Region 41: http://www.fidonet.gr (Greek/English)
Region 42: http://www.fido.cz
Region 50: http://www.fido7.com/ (Russian)
Net 5010: http://fido.tu-chel.ac.ru/ (Russian)
Net 5015: http://www.fido.nnov.ru/ (Russian)
Net 5030: http://kenga.ru/fido/ (Russian & English)
Net 5049: http://www.n5049.z2.fidonet.org (English/Russian)
?? Net 5085: http://www.fidonet.uz/ (Russian)

Zone 3: http://www.z3.fidonet.org

Zone 4:
Region 80: http://fidobrasil.8m.com (Portuguese)
Region 90:
Net 904: http://members.tripod.com/~net904 (Spanish)

Zone 5: http://www.eastcape.co.za/fidonet/

Zone 6: http://www.z6.fidonet.org
Region 65: http://www.cfido.com/fidonet/cfidochina.html
(Chinese)

Fidonet Via Internet Hubs

See also: http://www.osirusoft.com/fidoip.html

a @ preceding an individual's name implies a virtual email
address. The email is translated as follows
[email protected] will automatically route to the
appropriate individual's email. Anyone in this list will
also receive routed notice of this feature. In my case, it
would still be [email protected], but you get the idea.

Also, as information is provided to me, I will be adding a
latency field to each node, which is defined as the maximum
time between when the message is received, and when it is
sent on to other nodes, or available to be sent onward,
defined in minutes. A latency of ! implies that there is an
immediate response, and an attempt to deliver immediately
after processing, or a "MinuteMail System", as it were.

v-email flag [email protected]
| email address or
Node# | Operator | Facilities (*) | Speed,| Basic Rate
| | |latency|
-----------+-------------------+----------------+-------+------------
Zone 1 | | | |
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 9 20 Dec 1999

10/3 @ Brenda Donovan | FTP,UUE,BinkP | 384K,30| $??/$10
10/345 @ Todd Cochrane | FTP | T1,! | n/c
12/12 @ Ken Wilson | FTP | T1 | $24mo.
13/25 @ Jim Balcom | FTP | 56k | $20mo.
103/5 @ Mark Luetger | BinkP | 384k,!| n/c
103/153 @ Michael Box | BinkP | aDSL,!| n/c
103/301 @ Joe Jared | BinkP,FTP | aDSL,!| n/c
105/8 | Russ Johnson | FTP,BinkP,VMoT | 384k | n/c
105/72 @ Larry James | FTP | aDSL | $5/$15 mo
106/1 @ Matt Bedynek | BinkP, FTP | DS-3,5| $5/$15 mo
106/6018 | Lawrence Garvin | FTP, VMoT | aDSL,60| n/c
107/453 @ Jeffrey Estevez| FTP,BinkP,VMoT,UUE| 56k,60| $10 mo.
140/1 @ Bob Seaborn | FTP | T3,30 | $5/$16
167/133 | Stephen Monteith | BinkP | 128k+ | n/c
211/417 @ Korombos | BinkP,UUE,FTP | T1 | n/c
218/109 | Matt Munson | BinkP,UUE | 33.6k | n/c
246/160 @ Mason Vye | FTP, UUE | 56K | n/c
271/140 @ Tom Barstow | UUE,FTP | T1 | n/c
280/169 | Brian Greenstreet | FTP | 33.6 | $2mo.
342/3 @ Richard Dodsworth | BinkP,FTP | 128K+ | n/c
395/670 | Arthur Stark | BinkD,FTP | 128k | n/c
396/1 @ John Souvestre | FTP,VMoT | T1 | $10/mo
396/45 | Marc Lewis | UUE | 33.6 | $26/yr
2401/305 @ Peter Rocca | FTP,UUE | T1 | unkn
2424/101 | Kari Suomela | FTP,VMoT,BinkP,UUE| T1,! | $25.00/mo
2604/104 | Jim Mclaughlin | FTP,VMoT,UUE | 33.6 | $1mo
3613/2 @ [email protected] | UUE | 28.8 | n/c
2613/404 @ David Moufarrege | BinkP,FTP,VMoT | 128k+,!| n/c
2624/306 @ D. Calafrancesco | VMoT | 33.6 | n/c
3632/84 | Robert Todd |FTP,VMoT,UUE,BinkP | 57.6k | n/c
3639/93 @ Ross Cassell | FTP, BinkP |128K+,!| n/c
3651/9 @ Jerry Gause | FTP,VMoT | 33.6 | $3/$6
--------------------------------------------------------------
Zone 2 |
20/11 | Henrik Lindhe | BinkP | ??? | n/c
31/1 | Gabriel Plutzar | BinkP | T1+ | n/c
203/600 | Mikael Karlsson | UUE | 64k | n/c
221/360 @ Tommi Koivula | BinkP,UUE | ??? | n/c
236/205 @ Michael Kaaber | BinkP | ??? | n/c
246/2098 | Volker Imre | BinkP | ??? | n/c
284/800 | Jeroen VanDeLeur | FTP,UUE | 64k | n/c
292/626 | Filip Ruymen | Binkp, UUE | 128K+ | n/c
292/2003 | Eric Vaneberck | BinkP | 768k | n/c
301/1 | Peter Witschi | BinkP | 768k | n/c
332/807 | Roberto Mascolo | BinkP | ??? | n/c
335/535 @ Mario Mure | BinkP,VMot,UUE | 64k | n/c
335/610 | Gino Lucrezi | UUE | 33.6 | n/c
344/201 | Julio Garcia | BinkP | ??? | n/c
346/3 @ Carlos Navarro | UUE | ??? | n/c
382/100 | Sinisa Burina | BinkP | ??? | n/c
406/555 | Ofir Michaeli & | BinkP | ??? | n/c
406/555 | Marius Kaizerman | BinkP | ??? | n/c
423/81 | Milos Bajer | BinkP | ??? | n/c
464/4077 | Serguei Trouchelle| UUE | 19.2 | n/c
465/204 | Va Milushnikov | BinkP | 33.6k | n/c
469/84 | Max Masyutin | VMoT | 256k | n/c
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 10 20 Dec 1999

480/112 | Adam Sarapata| FTP, VMoT, UUE,BinkP| 128k | n/c
2411/413 @ Dennis Dittrich | UUE,BinkP | 64k | n/c
2446/301 | Lothar Behet | BinkP,VMoT,UUE,FTP | 64K | n/c
2474/275 | Christian Emig | UUE | 64k | unkn
5030/115 | Andrey Podkolzin | BinkP | ??? | n/c
5100/8 | Egons Bush | BinkP | ??? | n/c
5020/1159 | Gennady Kudryashoff | UUE | 33.6 | n/c
--------------------------------------------------------------
Zone 3
633/260 @ Malcolm Miles | FTP,BinkP | 64K | n/c
640/954 | Rick Van Ruth | FTP,VMot,UUE,BinkP| 56K| n/c
774/605 @ Barry Blackford|BinkP,VMoT:10023,ifcico,FTP |33.6| n/c

--------------------------------------------------------------
Zone 4
905/100 | Fabian Gervan | VMoT,UUE,BinkP | 128k | n/c
902/18 | Javier Tejedor | UUE | 33,6 | n/c

--
* FTP = Internet File Transfer Protocol
* VMoT = Virtual Mailer over Telnet (various)
* UUE = uuencode<->email type transfers
* BinkP = front end mailer for TCPIP networks

----------------------------------------------
Fidonet oriented news servers

news.osirusoft.com
news.tardis.net

Fidonet oriented chat rooms.

room #fidonet 5PM (PDT 11AM GMT) Sundays
irc.isonline.com
irc.killaz-r-us.com
irc.korombos.org

----------------------------------------------

Please send updates, corrections and suggestions to
Joe Jared, 1:103/301, [email protected], and
complaints to [email protected] .

-----------------------------------------------------------------

+++++Life from a Female Domestic Engineer's Viewpoint+++++
as told to Ol'WDB

There's another way of looking at life...

Thank you, God, for dirty dishes For they mean we are well fed.
Thank you for the mortgage payments and rent notices, For they
mean we have a roof over our heads.
Thank you for the seemingly endless pile of laundry, For it means
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 11 20 Dec 1999

we are clothed and warm.
Thank you, for scuff marks, crayon marks and smelly tennis shoes,
for they mean we are active.
Thank you, God, for loud stereos and busy telephones. For they
mean our teens are safe at home.
Thank you for the notes from school, For they mean our children
have teachers who care.
Thank you, God, for speeding tickets, For they mean our police
officers are protecting us.
Thank you for morning traffic jams, For they mean we have jobs
to go to.
Thank you for doctor's waiting rooms and deductibles and co-pays,
For they mean we have access to health care.
Thank you, God, for his/her snoring, For it means he/she is safe
beside me.
Thank you for little disappointments, For they mean you are
teaching us patience.
And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds.
They are so warm and comfortable. I know that many have no bed.
My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom, complete with all the
splattered mirrors, soggy, grimy towels and dirty lavatory, they
are so convenient.
Thank you for this finger smudged refrigerator that needs
defrosting so badly. It has serve us faithfully for many years. It
is full of cold drinks and enough leftovers for two or three meals.
Thank you, Lord for this oven that absolutely must be cleaned
today. It has baked so many things over the years.
The whole family is grateful for that tall grass that needs mowing,
the lawn that needs raking; we all enjoy the yard.
Thank you, Lord, even for that slamming screen door. That means
my kids are healthy and able to run and play.
Lord, the presence of all these chores awaiting me,
say You have richly blessed my family.
I shall do them cheerfully and I shall do them gratefully.
Thank you, God, for just plain ordinary days-

Education is the Apprenticeship of Life! Send comments to:
[email protected]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 12 20 Dec 1999

=================================================================
NET HUMOR
=================================================================

The good, the bad, & the ugly
Thanks to Ol'WDB

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: You have a date with Adonis
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 8
year old daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Statistics
Thanks to Roy Reed
[email protected]
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 13 20 Dec 1999

1. There are approximately two billion children
(persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa
doesn't visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or
Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for
Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
(according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an
average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house, that
comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at
least one good child in each.

2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work
with, thanks to the different time zones and the
rotation of the earth, assuming he travels from east
to west (which seems logical). This works out to
967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with
a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to
park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill
the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under
the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him,
get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh, and get
on to the next home. Assuming that each of these 108
million stops is evenly distributed around the globe
(which, of course, we know to be false, but will
accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are
now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total
trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom
stops or breaks. This means that Santa's sleigh is
moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the
speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey
27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can
run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more
than a medium sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is
carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa
himself. on land, the conventional reindeer can pull
no more than 300 pounds. Even if we grant that the
"flying" reindeer could pull 10 times the normal
amount, the job couldn't be done with 8 or even 9 of
them - Santa would need 360,000 of these
mega-reindeer. This increases the payload, not
counting the weight of the sleigh, by another 54,000
tons, or roughly 7 times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

4. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second
creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up
the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintllion joules of energy
per second each. In short, they would burst into
FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 14 20 Dec 1999

flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in
their wake. The entire reindeer team would be
vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the 5th house on
the trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa,
as a result from accelerating from a dead stop to 650
miles per second in .001 seconds would be subjected to
centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the
back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force,
instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing
him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas!

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FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 15 20 Dec 1999

=================================================================
COMIX IN ASCII
=================================================================

o o o o o o
o o o o o o o o o o
o o o o ( ) o ( ) o ( ) o
O ) ( ) ( ) (
o o (__) o (__) o (__) o o (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) o (oo) o
/------$$$$ o /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | $$$$ / | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| o
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Santa Cow and his Rein Cows

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FIDONEWS 16-51 Page 16 20 Dec 1999

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