ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄĿ
³ MOO-COW â-1 ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
Released By
The Office Of The High Preest of MOO
Floyd Gecko
Proclamation â-1
Carrot Divination
Hi, and welcome to the exciting world of the MOO-COW Gamma series of High
Preest revelations, proclamations, stipulations, exacerbations, and
aggravations.
In this proclamation, we will explore the wonderful new vision of the Carrot
deck, as revealed to Floyd Gecko after a hideous tarot-MAO game (if you don't
know, DON'T ASK)...
Part One: Tarot/Carrot
The MOOish peoples will shortly have long had a retroactive tradition of
Carrot Divination, using the mystical system of the Carrot Deck, somewhat
related
to the Tarot Deck of many other peoples. As the Tarot Deck may be related to
the
Kabbalah, so may the Carrot Deck be related to the Kobbler. However, the
Carrot Deck is far more sophisticated than the Tarot Deck, as it allows
divination to proceed through the mind of the interpreter, a far more flexible
device than a deck of cards. To wit, the reader simply makes up an
explanation.
Its structure is indicated below, as compared with that of the Tarot. It is
clearly more sophisticated:
Tarot Structure:
Minor Arcana: 4 Suits with 14 cards each
Major Arcana: 22 cards with meaning
Suits: Cups, Swords, Disks, Wands
Made Of: 1-10, Queen, Princess, Prince, Knight
Carrot Structure:
Short Arcana: 4 suits with 11 cards each
Tall Arcana: 23 cards with no meaning
Stoopid Arcana: 23 specific predictions
Major Inana: 1 Carte Blanche, 1 green card, 2 greeting cards, 1 punch card,
2 credit cards, 2 Jokers, 1 Batman
Minor Inana: The 4« of Forks
Suits: Cups, Knives, Plates, Spoons
Made Of: 1, 6, 7, 8, Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Doc
Part Two: Doin' The Funky Carrot
The correspondences of the Carrot Deck with the Tarot Deck are superficial
at best. The Tarot Deck is composed of 78 meaningful cards, while the Carrot
Deck is composed of 101 meaningless cards, into which the interpreter can read
whatever is appropriate. Some readers may find that certain meanings instantly
apply themselves to the cards, and start to use those. This is foolish: the
Carrot Deck is completely meaningless and utterly useless as a divinatory tool.
There are 46 cards not specified in the above listings, those of the Tall
Arcana and Stupid Arcana. The Tall Arcana are based entirely on the Kobbler
Koncept, and are grouped into five groups. They are as follows:
In order to increase the precision of this deck (if not the accuracy), the
Stoopid Arcana consists of 23 specific precictions, quotes, or commentaries,
corresponding to fundamental emmanations from the Carrot Sphere. Thus, since
there's no such thing as a Carrot Sphere, these predictions, if they come true,
do so only by random chance: "Beware Brick Lobbing Beavers", "Gilligan's
Island
Rerun's On At 7:00", "That Idiot Behind You Has A Gun", "There Is A Loaded GNU
Next Door", "There Are Squids Hiding In Your Underpants Drawer", "This Card Is
Temporarily Out Of Order", "Never Mind, Too Late", "Elvis Will Pay You A Visit
Soon", "Vote For Hellhound >101< In Whatever He Happens To Be Running For NOW",
"Ah, Blow It Out Your Ear, Cinnamon Feet", "Quid Pro Quo", "Stop Asking Me
Stupid
Questions, You Goof", "There Is A Bomb In Your Piano", "Your Head Would Make A
Good Paperweight", "Never Play Golf With A Lawnmower", "Contemplate Your
Navel...
Then Figure Out Why You Have One", "MOO", "The Price Of Linguini Noodles Will
Go
Up In The Near Future", "DUCK!", "DUCK!", "GOOSE!", "Your Elephant Will
Spontaneously Combust In The Near Future", and, of course, "Burrito-12".
00001: The questioner
00002: The questioner's life
00003: The questioner's mother
00004: The questioner's siblings (if any)
00005: The questioner's father
00006: The questioner's dog's previous owner's goldfish
00007: The questioner's girlfriend/wife
00008: The questioner's boyfriend/husband
00009: The question being asked
00010: The question not being asked
00011: The question that would have been asked yesterday at the same time
00012: The question the questioner REALLY wants the answer to
0012«: The answer the querstioner wants to hear
00013: The real answer to the question
00014: The price of rice in China
00015: The... Uhhh, well, actually none, it just looked good up there
00016: The card on top
00017: The card on bottom
00018: The meaning of life
00019: The tensile strength of cotton candy
00020: The number of MOOists it takes to screw in a lightbulb
00021: The number of angels which can dance on the point of a pin
00022: The reason for death
00023: The location of that thing you JUST CAN'T EVER SEEM TO FIND
00024: The plot of the next movie the questioner will see
00025: The average longevity of the questioner's potted plants
00026: The questioner's sex life
00027: The questioner's social life
00028: The questioner should get a life
00029: The questioner's opinion vis-a-vis King Kong's martyrdom
00030: The ultimate truth of all reality. Really.
Part Four: Interpreting A Carrot Reading
Don't.
Part Five: Carrot Designs
The design on the back of the cards should be a picture of a carrot, held
aloft among floating Knives, Spoons, Plates, and Cups, speared by a fork in the
midst of a bright light emmanating from a real huge lightbulb. The pictures on
the faces are left to deck designers and other assorted deckhands. The designs
should reflect the underlying order and symmetry of the philosophy behind the
deck. To wit, none. For this reason, the Carrot Deck has never actually been
designed, in keeping with this principle. However, blasphemers and Gnu Popes
may
wish to create their own decks designs. There has already been a proposal for
a Cyberspace Deck of the Carrot system, in which each card is replaced by a
floppy disk with a .GIF image of the card on it in 2023x2023x23-bit colour.
[1355670306.8264 by floyd.gecko #668 (neighbor of the beast)]
