The ÿexperience ÿof ÿpain, ÿin whatever ÿform ÿit ÿtakes ÿis
universal. ÿÿHuman ÿsuffering ÿis one of ÿthe ÿworld's ÿgreatest
unanswered ÿquestions. ÿÿEspecially ÿduring the newness ÿof ÿthe
Christmas season, do we become more and more aware of the mystery
involved ÿin ÿit. ÿI'm not writing this article ÿto ÿattempt ÿan
answer to the suffering question. ÿI am writing instead, ÿsimply
to ÿshare ÿsome ÿof my thoughts and experiences ÿon ÿthe ÿmatter.
Also, ÿÿperhaps by examining my mistakes, ÿand efforts in dealing
with pain, ÿyou will have something to fall back on when it comes
your way ... as it inevitably will.
Just by way of background, I was on Cross Fire '75, the team
to West Africa. ÿI ÿspent much of the fifteen months we traveled
in ÿpain, ÿand incredible fatigue. ÿI ÿnever really took it ÿtoo
seriously, ÿÿas ÿmost ÿof ÿus were sick ÿregularly. ÿÿIt ÿbecame
frustrating for me, and the entire team though, when my illnesses
outweighed my healthy times. ÿThe situation reached a crisis the
final ÿmonth ÿof ÿteam when I just couldn't ÿcontinue. ÿÿI ÿÿwas
hospitalized ÿat ÿthe ÿend ÿof ÿAugust ÿ1976, ÿÿand ÿdue ÿto ÿthe
persistence of a caring doctor, ÿdiscovered I was the victim (and
had ÿbeen ÿfor years) ÿof an incurable, ÿand ÿoftentimes ÿcruelly
painful ÿdisease called Systemic Lupus Erythemetosis. ÿLupus for
short. The cause, and the cure remain unknown.
I remember laying in the hospital in a state of ÿdis-belief.
My ÿhead ÿwhirled with questions, ÿbut none so prevalent ÿas ÿthe
eternal "why?" Why me ... why now ... why this? I ÿwas suddenly
faced with the reality that I would be dealing with pain on a day
to ÿday ÿbasis for the rest of my life. ÿIn the fear ÿthat ÿsuch
thoughts bring, I began to observe the attitudes toward suffering
in ÿthe ÿpeople ÿaround me. ÿMost of us view pain ÿas ÿsomething
alien, ÿÿsomething ÿto ÿeradicate ÿand be rid of ÿas ÿquickly ÿas
possible. This attitude may be fine when you deal with ills that
are ÿtemporal, ÿdefinable, ÿand curable. ÿBut not all ÿsuffering
falls ÿinto those categories. ÿWhat do we say to those ills ÿand
accidents ÿÿthat ÿÿleave ÿtheir ÿvictims ÿpermanently ÿÿdisabled,
disfigured, or mentally incapacitated? ÿWe cannot simply dismiss
them. They are real, and difficult, and very much a mystery.
When a Christian deals with life situations, we must keep in
mind ÿthe ÿfact that God is a mystery. ÿHe cannot be defined ÿor
explained by our limited knowledge. ÿWho hasn't heard someone in
desperation or grief ask the unanswerable "why?" And who had the
power and wisdom to respond? Once we accept that sometimes there
are ÿno ÿanswers, ÿat least for now, ÿwe experience a release ÿof
those gnawing doubts, ÿand become free to start learning. ÿÿWhen
there ÿare ÿno answers, ÿonly questions for us, ÿwe must look ÿto
Christ, ÿÿand ÿHis example. ÿJesus felt. ÿHe hurt and ÿlaughed,
suffered ÿand died as we all must. ÿHe was and is God incarnate,
sensitive counselor to our despair, ÿas He has felt the very same
pain we do. ÿC.S. Lewis, upon the death of a dear friend, ÿwrote
in his book A Grief Observed:
"When ÿI lay these questions before God, ÿI ÿget no ÿanswer.
But, a rather special no answer. It is not a locked door. It is
more ÿlike a silent, ÿcertainly not unkind gaze. ÿAs ÿthough ÿHe
shook His head, ÿnot in refusal, but waiving the question. Like,
'Peace Child, you don't understand."
The ÿenigma of pain reflects the mystery of God. ÿIt begins
as a journey of trust. We can choose to accept and deal with our
frailty, ÿÿor, ÿlike Ivan Dostoevsky stated, ÿ"If God offered ÿme
suffering ÿas a pass through life, ÿI ÿfor one would ÿreturn ÿthe
ticket." ÿWe can face, ÿand even learn from the realities of our
humanity, or we can run from them.
Why ÿmust suffering remain a mystery? ÿI ÿcan't give a ÿpat
answer, ÿÿbut isn't it true that the times we are closest to ÿthe
Lord ÿare those times we have no control? ÿFor me these are also
the hours of my greatest sensitivity and compassion to those near
me. ÿÿIt's ÿonly when our efforts to rationalize ÿand ÿeradicate
seemingly useless pain are gone, ÿand we reach the end of our own
rope, ÿwe see Christ's strength available to us. ÿIf the mystery
were ÿfully explained, ÿthere would be no crisis. ÿMost of ÿall,
there ÿwould ÿbe no need of our faith walk with God. ÿÿPain ÿand
suffering are not some type of Cosmic Character Builders sent ÿby
the ÿAlmighty. ÿThey are however, ÿused by Him to strengthen and
cleanse our relationship to Him and to each other.
As ÿChristians ÿwe ÿbelieve that God's ÿpromises ÿare ÿtrue.
Romans 8:28 ÿreminds us that the Lord is ever present and working
in our trials. Sometimes this is comforting, but often, the pain
is still there, ÿand still very hard to cope with. ÿJust because
we ÿknow we are living a mystery, ÿand God is using it, ÿÿdoesn't
make ÿit hurt any less. ÿBut so much of our suffering depends on
our ÿattitude ÿtoward ÿit. ÿIt's very human, ÿÿand ÿnecessary ÿI
believe, ÿÿto ÿexperience ÿfear, ÿanger, ÿÿself-pity, ÿÿand ÿeven
bitterness. ÿWe wouldn't be normal if these emotions didn't pass
through us. ÿI think so often of one of my African friends, ÿwho
when I reached a high pitched frustration, would always shake his
head and say, ÿ"Kristi, it will pass." It will pass. Fear, ÿand
all ÿof the so-called "negative" ÿemotions that follow it can ÿbe
healthy, ÿnormative, ÿand even creative forces in our lives. ÿÿA
well balanced emotional human is capable of them all. ÿThey only
become evil when we allow them to immobilize and blind us to ÿthe
lessons ÿwe could be learning. ÿPersonally, ÿI ÿhave ÿchosen ÿto
concentrate on life, ÿmy life as it is now. ÿI ÿcannot wish ÿthe
pain away, or ignore it. It has become a very real part of who I
am. ÿÿBut what I can do, ÿwhether I am suffering or not, ÿis ÿto
concentrate ÿon ÿthe ÿhealth ÿthat exists ÿinside ÿof ÿme. ÿÿThe
acceptance of my human condition, ÿin the light of God's promises
leads to a fresh hope, and a new peace of mind.
As ÿI study the Bible, ÿI'm always amazed at the ÿincredible
sensitivity Jesus has toward us. ÿWe humans, ÿunfortunately ÿare
much ÿmore ego-centric in our view of suffering. ÿWe ÿmean ÿwell
usually, but never quite know what to say or do. In sharing with
a ÿperson in pain, ÿor dealing with it yourself, ÿit is vital ÿto
remember ÿthat ÿthe ÿsuffering Christian lives ÿwith ÿa ÿconstant
reminder ÿof ÿhis/her ÿfrailty. ÿThere is no question ÿthat ÿGod
heals, ÿÿlikewise ÿthere ÿis ÿno question that ÿwe ÿdon't ÿalways
understand ÿhow ÿHe ÿdoes so. ÿOurs is not a total ÿtheology ÿof
glory. We live, as Martin Luther puts it, ÿ"In the shadow of the
Cross." ÿÿWe ÿmust take this cross seriously, ÿwith all of ÿit's
implications. There is no victory without defeat, ÿglory without
shame, ÿor health without suffering. ÿFor example; I ÿcannot say
that I have been healed of my disease. (Not yet anyway) I can say
however, ÿthat I have been healed of many other things through my
disease. ÿÿI've ÿnever felt as loved as when I discovered I ÿhad
Lupus. I saw Christ alive through the caring of His church, ÿand
I ÿÿexperienced ÿfirsthand ÿthe ÿsensitivity ÿand ÿfaith ÿof ÿHis
followers. Healing with suffering ... victory, in the shadows.
I'd ÿlike to tell you that I accept and trust at all ÿtimes,
but ÿI ÿcan't. ÿI'm human. ÿWhen I'm in pain, ÿÿI'm ÿconstantly
reminded ÿof my mortality. ÿBut, ÿI'm also reminded that in ÿthe
shadow (or light?) ÿof the cross, and God's promise of redemption
through Christ, there is hope.
In ÿclosing ÿout my thoughts, ÿI ÿthink ÿit's ÿimportant ÿto
mention ÿa little bit on the practical side of sensitivity to the
suffering person. I ÿbelieve the most important attitude you can
take is honesty. ÿA ÿperson is rarely alone in their pain. ÿÿIf
there ÿare people around who care, ÿthey will be suffering ÿalso.
If ÿyou ÿfind ÿyourself in that boat, ÿdon't be afraid ÿto ÿadmit
you're afraid. Be honest about your feelings, hurts, ÿand fears.
If ÿyou're ÿangry or confused, ÿtalk about it, ÿÿit ÿhelps. ÿÿBe
supportive ÿof the suffering person, ÿbut don't pity them. ÿÿLet
them know you care by being yourself, ÿthat is after all who they
love and need. Accept the ills of those you're dealing with as a
part ÿof ÿthemselves. ÿA ÿvery real part. ÿMost of all, ÿÿdon't
underestimate ÿthem. ÿÿThey ÿwill fight the ÿpain, ÿÿfear, ÿÿand
desperation hand in hand with you, and with our Lord.
I hope some of the things I've talked about will help you in
your ÿtrials. ÿÿI ÿhope it helps the next time you hold me, ÿÿor
someone like me as they cry. ÿI ÿhope most of all, ÿyou use your
experience in suffering to grow in sensitivity, ÿand that our God
will burn into your conscience your need of Him in health as well
as ÿpain. ÿÿThis ÿChristmas, ÿmay you be guided ÿby ÿthe ÿtender
compassion of our bleeding Savior.
Kristi Lee Hernmeir
NOTE: This article was written by Kristi for the Christmas, 1977
issue ÿof the National Lutheran Youth Encounter Newspaper. ÿÿThe
article was written only a few days before Kristi's death.
Permission ÿto reprint the article was given by Pastor ÿGene
and Ruby Hernmeir, Kristi's parents.
