the best things in life are F R E E

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$$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$ Issue #15, Convention Time Again.. $$$$$$$$$$$
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the best things in life are F R E E
F R E E
For more info, send all your money to: F R E E

Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
PO Box 30904 [email protected]
Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere

** SPECIAL VULKON ISSUE **

Elements of the 29th Tactical Squadron of the Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
will be attending the Vulkon convention in Atlanta Ga. They may be easily
bribed with large sums of money, real estate, or hot steamy sex. Miracles,
dispensations, confessions, and financial advice may be obtained according
to your personal state of unworthiness, determined individually.

"Bob" Sighting:

Reported by A.J. Janschewitz <[email protected]>:

It seems that some misbegotten system administrator has gotten across the
fax-on-demand system at a Connecticut state government agency. If you call
203-297-5698 from a fax machine and tone in 13013 after the recording begins,
you're prompted to start your fax machine, and after a cover sheet, a
Picture of the Piped One follows.

New Comix:

*** Death: The High Cost of Living 1 & 2 of 3
Spin-off of Sandman, Death spends a day among the living. Maybe the reason
she looks like a 16-year old girl has something to do with the average age
of comic book buyers. Good story anyway.

** Ren & Stimpy in Space (#6)
Commander Hoek & Cadet Stimpy vs. The Croco-Men from Planet Zed. Nice
story, but I don't know how far they can go by reusing old gags from the
show. Let's see something original. Plus, ad-comic ratio is getting bad.

***** Cherry's Jubilee #2
Cherry meets Russian underground classic Octobriana. Plus, Swede Racer,
Cherry in space, politics, and more. Great stuff.

***** Cry For Dawn vol. IX
Same great surreal comics, plus short stories, conspiracy theories, and
info from the Church of Dawn - videos, books and more available.

*** The Mishkin File!
The story of the brilliant early animator Ted Mishkin, and the murals he
painted as part of his rehabilitation from neurosis.

*** Simpsons #1
More adventures of Bart and the other Simpsons. As twisted as the series,
the first story also contains veiled references to Ren & Stimpy debacle.

**** The Hacker Files: Working-Class Hero 1 & 2
Hacker helps refugees from Tienanmen Square massacre, and gets caught up
in more intrigue with Digitronix Corp.

******************************************************************************

[Mysteries of the universe revealed in the
Asymptote of Absurdity graphic here
Reprinted from the Journal of Irreproducible Results]

I EAT MY OWN SHIT! I'm self substaining, self creating, half mutated
and built for speed! I fuck sheep and they LIKE it! "They" ripped my balls
off and I GREW EIGHT MORE, just to show 'em. I set my pubic hair on fire FOR
FUN! I'm indestructable, uncontrolable, excommunable, and completely
unspellable. My knees have fingers. I eat live camels. BEND OVER, peons,
because I may not need your worship, but you sure as HELL need mine. HUNGER
AND THIRST have no meaning for me. Godzilla stomps wine for me. Ten
thousand vampires sucked my blood while I sucked THEM! The government has
NO files on me, BUT IT USED TO! Drugs take ME! I'm the original hashish.
"Bob" stuck me in his pipe, and I blew _myself_ out his ass. I took Ringo
bowling and won 312 to 17. I COST LESS AND "WORK TWICE AS HARD"!! NOT
available in stores!

anselm pepper called [email protected]
[email protected]

******************************************************************************

Now you've done it. You've goaded me into posting one of the short
stories I ghostwrote for the Church of the Subgenius(TM). It's about Zen.

I'd like to point out that I in no way endorse the Church of the Subgenius(TM),
one of the most EVIL organizations in the world. J. R. "Bob" Dobbs is
the ANTICHRIST and MUST be DESTROYED. If you meet him on the road, kill
him, then kill yourself, then kill me.

Everything in this story is true.

==================================================================

Z E N A N D T H E A R T O F S L A C K

by James "Kibo" Parry
(C) 1991

My mantra is "mantra, dammit".
As I sit here on my zafu (that's a Zen meditation pillow stuffed with
tofu), I reach satori even though I live downstairs from the demolition
derby rink.
I feel a oneness with the itch in my first chakra. I feel a oneness
with the Pet Rock I used to own. I feel a twoness with myself.
I realize that everything is either something or a hole in something.
Or, perhaps, everything is one big hole and the somethings are holes
within the hole. I shift my weight imperceptibly and the zafu makes a
fart noise.
Upstairs, two old Trans Ams, surplus from "Knight Rider", collide.
I can hear the sound of my blood moving through my inner ears. I
realize that everything which exists is made up of little dots arranged
in diagonal rows. A cockroach runs across the floor and into my zafu.
I realize that "Bob"'s teeth are clenched and his Pipe is not between
them. The teeth are joined and the Pipe ends in front of them. His nose
casts a shadow on the Pipe and the Pipe casts a shadow on his chin but
they do not touch. I have reached enfuckinglightenment!
As I nearly fall off my zafu, it farts again, blowing the cockroach
into the next room.

There once was a novice monk named Bho Zho who asked the master, "Does
a house burn up or burn down?"
The master set fire to the novice's house, after taking all his money.
As the house burned both up and down, the novice was enlightened.

I bow to the Sacred Halftone Print of "Bob" to thank him for the
enlightenment. As I do so, "Bob"'s face shimmers and blurs before my
face. All I see is the Dots but not the Smile. All I see is the Smile
without the Dots. I see both. I see neither. I see the hair of Desi
Arnaz, the eyes and mouth of Pee-wee Herman, the jaw of Jay Leno all
combined in a blender: "Bob".
"Bob" is before me and I am "Bob" and yesterday is tomorrow and I am
the walrus mama dada googoo chihuahuahuahua ommmmmmmmm
"Yo! Yo! Stop with the satori already!" "Bob" steps out of the
picture, slaps me, and pours himself a Dr Pepper. He sits on my zafu,
which makes a sound like a tuba. I sit on a tatami which is beginning
to sprout. "Bob" looks me in the eye.
"Cool it with the meditation, guy, it's dull. It's `Bosom Buddies'
without the laughtrack. It's the sound of one lip chapping. It's a
bicycle riding a fish, a steamroller being run over by a birthday cake.
It just doesn't compare to the fun stuff, especially sex."
I avoid meeting "Bob"'s gaze as I whisper, "He who claims someone does
not have Buddha-nature has no Buddha-nature."
"Hey, it's easier to say `Slack' than `Buddha-nature', you know. Or
`swellness'. They're all the same thing. You're on a true path to
enlightenment, but true paths have true dirt and true mosquitoes-false
paths are much better. Give me your money now."
"I have no money, just one zafu, one tatami, my oryoki, this setsu
stick, an inflatable Buddha, a tofu log, all three "Sweatin' to the
Oldies" tapes, a disposable zabuton, a pile of bulk miso, my
Zen-to-English dictionary."
"AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!" "Bob" waggles his eyebrows and
smiles. "But seriously, pal, I'll take it all and pretend it's cash
equivalent. Hey, after I take your zafu, I'll even give you a receipt.
Get it? Re-seat!"
"Bob" packs all my worldly possessions into his seemingly bottomless
pockets and he leads me out of the monastery. Milliseconds later, a
black Trans Am falls through the ceiling, crashing right where we had
been sitting. It yells insults at us as we walk to the pebble garden.

"This eggplant in my pocket is like an elephant," said Bhoddyohdor.
"Yet this elephant in my pocket is like a pair of wax lips," replied
Tai Dhee Bhoul.
Just then, Master Rhais Ahroni strolled past. "Tell us," begged
Bhoddyohdor and Tai Dhee Bhoul, "Is the eggplant like the elephant
which is like the wax lips, or should we just go watch sitcoms all
day?"
The master ate the eggplant, shot the elephant, and got germs on the
wax lips. The novices were not enlightened. The master laughed.

"Bob" is using my rake to draw Snoopy in my pebble garden. "So, Kibo,
why the heck do you have all these pebbles filling up a perfectly good
wading pool?"
"Raking the pebbles is a task which accomplishes nothing. The goal is
to clear the mind by doing nothing."
"Um, hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't `doing nothing' doing
something? So by doing nothing, you're doing something, therefore
you're not accomplishing the nothing in the first place! You can't not
do anything."
He is clearly suffering from Bhudda called dhiarrhea of the mouth. I
say, "You have Bozo-nature."
"Of course. Because if I said I were not a bozo, I would be proving
myself to be a bozo! Now, are you a bozo?"
At that moment, the enlightenment clears from my mind and I devolve to
a lower plane of being. "Bob" congratulates me by giving me a wig like
his. We go out for a beer.

"What is the meaning of this story?" asked the novice. "Also, what is
the sound of one hand clapping, and what's a zabuton? Why does Fox
cancel all its shows every season? And why the hell does your Pipe's
stem hover a quarter-inch in front of your mouth?"
"Slack," said the master. "Pure, unadulterated slack. But I lie."
At that moment, the novice's head exploded before he finished this sto

--
............................................................................
James "Kibo" Parry [email protected] Independent graphic designer
271 Dartmouth St. #3D (specialty: logos & corporate
Boston, MA 02116 (617) 262-3922 identities) and type designer.

[Comic strip here, not available in ASCII]

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

[MindFuck Collage #1: "TAMMY BAKKER: My hot tips for a heavenly marriage"]

Sorry Pink Boy, not available in ASCII version.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Blatant Ad:

BamaCon 7

March 18,19,20,21 1993
Sheraton Capstone Inn and Bryant Conference center
Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Guests of Honor
Jonathan Frakes
(Cmdr. William T. Riker of Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Hal Clement Brom and Stewart Wieck
(Still River, Mission of Gravity) (Dark Sun) (Pres./Editor White Wolf)

Features

Art show - A one week showing, no hanging fees
Movies - A movie festival with two rooms and
live shows around the clock
Gaming - Over 20 tournaments are planned, including
an AD&D Team Tournament with a $10,000 CASH
PRIZE!! Other prizes will also be awarded
Computer Room - 24 hour a day games

Masquerade * Dealers Room * And More...

For more information write to:
Bamacon 7
PO Box 6542 University of Alabama
Tuscaloosa, AL 35486
(205) 758-4577

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Yet Another Blatant Ad:

Astronomicon 2
Rochester's Science Fiction/Comics Convention

March 5-7, 1993

The Radisson Inn, Rochester
175 Jefferson Road, Rochester NY 14623
(716) 475-1910- Room Rates: $60/day, S or D

Guest of Honor:

Michael Swanwick
1992 Nebula Award for Best Novel

Phil Foglio
Hugo Award-winning Artist

Special Guests:
The Gunderson Corp.
Science Fictio Comedy Troupe

$25.00 per person Make Checks payable to & for more info:
at the door Rochester Fantasy Fans
PO Box 1701
Rochester, NY 14603-1701
(716) 342-4697

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

C O N V E N T I O N S

March 4-7, 1993 (Connecticut)

1993 WORLD HORROR CONVENTION. Sheraton, Stamford, CT; rms $87 sngl/dbl.
GoHs: Peter Straub, Les Daniels; AGoHs: J.K. Potter, Stephen Gervais;
TM: Stanley Wiater. Memb: $75; $25 supporting. Info: World Horror
Convention 1993, Box 191, Andover CT 06232.

March 5-7, 1993 (California, Southern)

CON-DOR #1. Town & Country Inn, 500 Hotel Circle, San Diego, CA 92108;
rms $69 sngl/dbl; (619)291-7131. GoHs: Octavia Butler, J. Michael
Straczynski. Memb: $25 until 2/15/93, $30 after (children under 12
accompanied by parent - free). Info: Con-Dor, PO Box 15771, San Diego,
CA 92175.

March 5-7, 1993 (Missouri)

CONFLATION. Radisson, Clayton, MO. GoHs: Victor Milan, Mike Weaver.
Adults Only. Adults only convention. Memb: $15 until 1/15/93, $20
after. Info: ConFlation, c/o Bibbi Wilt, 5138-B Old LeMay Ferry Rd.,
Imperial MO 63052; (314)287-3825.

March 5-7, 1993 (New York)

ASTRONOMICON 2. <See Ad>

March 5-7, 1993 (Wisconsin)

WISCON 17. Concourse Hotel, Madison, WI. GoH: Lois McMaster Bujold;
EGoH: Kristine Kathryn Rusch. SF convention; Tiptree Memorial Award
Ceremony. Memb: $18 until 2/21/93, $30 after. Info: Wiscon 17, Box
1624, Madison WI 53701; (608)231-2324.

March 5-7, 1993 (Canada, Nova Scotia)

WOLFCON VI. Old Orchard Inn, Wolfville, NS, Canada. GoH: Gordon R.
Dickson. Memb: C$20 in advance, C$27 at door. Info: Wolfcon VI, Box
796, Wolfville, NS, B0p 1X0, Canada.

March 5-7, 1993 (England)

TREK DWARF. Swallow Hotel, Peterborough, UK. GoH: TBA. Memb: (limited
to 500). Info: Trek Dwarf, 47 Marsham, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough PE2
5RN, UK; (073)391-1797.

March 5-7, 1993 (England)

MASQUE II. Birmingham, UK. British Costuming Convention. Memb: L20;
L7.50 supporting. Info: Maswue II, c/o Gytha North, 35 Iverley Road,
Halesowen, B63 3EP, UK.

March 12-14, 1993 (Maryland)

INTERCON VIII. Baltimore, MD. Live-action Role-playing Events
sponsored by the Interactive Literature Foundation. Memb: $30 until
12/31/92, $35 until 3/1/93, $45 after (ILF members get $5 discount).
Info: Intercon VIII, Box 196, Merrifield, VA 22116-0196.

March 12-14, 1993 (Canada, Alberta)

S.T. CON 93. Ramada Hotel, Calgary, Alberta, Canada. GoHs: Ronald
Moore, Tanya Huff and Michelle Sagara. Memb: $25 until 3/11/93, $30
after. Info: "S.T. CON," 44 Scenic Road NW, Cagary, Alberta T3L 1B9,
Canada; (403) 239-4207.

March 17-21, 1993 (Florida)

INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE ON THE FANTASTIC 14. Fort Lauderdale Airport
Hilton, Dania, FL. GoH: Ursula K. Le Guin. Memb: TBA. Info: IAFA,
College of Humanities, 500 NW 20th HU-50 B-9, Florida Atlantic U., Boca
Raton FL 33431; (717)532-1495.

March 18-21, 1993 (Alabama)

BAMACON 7. <See Ad>

March 19-21, 1993 (Florida)

CRACKERCON 2. Baymeadows Holiday Inn, Jacksonville, FL; rms $50;
(904)737-1700. GoH: Ben Bova; AGoH: Jeff Adams; SGoH: Walter Miller,
Jr.; MC: Rembert N. Parker. Memb: $20 until 2/15/93, more after. Info:
CrackerCon 2, Box 8356, Jacksonville FL 32239; (904)737-1700.

March 19-21, 1993 (Kansas)

NEOCON 4. Hilton East, Wichita KS. GoH: Wilson Tucker; AGoH: W.J.
Hodgson; FGoH: Jim Satterfield. Memb: $15 until 3/1/93, $18 after.
Info: NeoCon 4, Box 48431, Wichita KS 67201; (316)687-6424.

March 19-21, 1993 (New York)

LUNACON 36. Rye Town Hilton, 699 Westchester Avenue, Rye Brook, NY;
1-914-939-6300; rms $83 singl/$89 dlb/ $98 trpl/quad. NY area
convention including Art Show, Dealers Room, Regency Dance, Masquerade,
Filing, Films, Videos, Panels, more. GoH: Orson Scott
Card; AGoH: Barclay Shaw; Pub. GoH: Richard Curtis; FGoH: Alexis
Gilliland. Memb: $25 until 2/20/93, $35 after (children 5 and younger
admitted free). Info: Lunacon 36, Box 338, New York, NY 10150-0338;
email [email protected].

March 19-21, 1993 (Ohio)

MILLENNICON -8. Stouffer's Center Plaza, Fifth & Jefferson St., Dayton
OH 45402; (513)224-0800; rms $65. GoH; Roger MacBride Allen; FGoH: Maia
Cowan. Memb: $20 until 2/1/93, $25 after. Info: Millennicon -8, Box
636, Dayton OH 45405; (513)294-1997; email: [email protected].

March 25-28, 1993 (Washington)

NORWESCON 16. Bellevue Red Lion, Bellevue WA; rms $72 sngl/dbl, $82
tpl/quad. GoH: Betty Ballantine; AGoH: Janny Wurts; FGoH: Jane Hawkins;
SGoH: Anne McCaffrey; TM: Bonnie Baker. Memb: $35 until 3/1/93, $40
after. Info: Norwescon 16, c/o NWSFS, PO Box 24207, Seattle, WA 98124;
(206)248-2010.

March 26-28, 1993 (Iowa)

DEMICON IV. Des Moines' Howard Johnson, Des Moines, IA. GoH: Mickey
Zucker Reichert; AGoH: Erin McKee; FGoH: Mark Moore; TM: Rusty Hevelin.
Memb: $17 until 3/1/93; $25 after. Info: Demicon 4, PO Box 7572, Des
Moines, IA 50322-7572; (515) 270-1312.

March 26-28, 1993 (Tennessee)

MIDSOUTHCON 12. Memphis Airport Hotel, (Airport exit off I-240 South
Loop) Memphis TN; rms $64 up to 4 people. GoH: Alan Dean Foster; AGoH:
Carl Lundgren; FGoH: Wilson Tucker. Memb: $25 until 3/1/93, $30 after
(children under 12 half-price). Info: MidSouthCon, Box 22749, Memphis
TN 38122; (901)274-7355.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ HIGH WEIRDNESS BY EMAIL v2.1
@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@^ ~^ @ @@ @ @ @ I ~^@@@@@@ is now available!
@@@@@ ~ ~~ ~I @@@@@
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ Email, the world's best guide to all
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@ the electronic strangeness you can
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ handle, including info on the movie:
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | ]@@@ "Wax, or The Discovery of Television
@@@@ ~_,,_ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ Among the Bees", is available at:
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@@@@@@@@,@ @@, c,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ Files are: WEIRD2_1.DOC
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@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ saturday FEB 27 CINCINNATI SWITCH
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
| Featuring
For hardcopy w/graphics, send SASE to:| dj mike huckaby from detroit
| dj davy dave & hyperactive from chicago
Holy Temple of Mass Consumption | dj mind candy and daisy from cincinnati
PO Box 30904 | dj dieselboy from pittsburgh <--- !
Raleigh, NC 27622 |
| Live PAs
For ezine version, mail: | body release from columbus <--- tsines!
| theory collapse from columbus
[email protected] to get on list | LUNIK from ne-raves
quartz.rutgers.edu - back | 513.557.3495 513.648.9647 614.299.9529
issues (128.6.60.6) |-----------------------------------------
| saturday MAR 6 TORONTO KRYPTONITE
--------------------------------------|
MOONBASS ALPHA | brought to you by Genetix- 10 pm
(Unity & Diversity | Union Shuttle bus confirmed
---- Welcome to Planet Rave) | 416.631.4927
Nashville TN |-----------------------------------------
:::::::::::::::::::: | saturday MAR 13 TORONTO
Saturday March 6 ...... 9pm 'til 6am |
Anode & Bam! present: Moonbass Alpha | promoted by Pleasureforce
Command Control: Anode, Anastasia | 416.760.3232
divine, Orange Julius Bass Command DJs|-----------------------------------------
Chip B, Bryan Meyer, Chek, Rick Phifer| saturday MAR 27 TORONTO PLANET X
|
Experience the ultimate in sci-fi | Brought to you by Insomnia
techno & tribal house as you go where | 416.322.4273
no low frequency has gone before with |-----------------------------------------
50,000 watts of COSMIC SPACE BASS! | DETROIT:
| The Underground INFO LINE 313.927.DAM1
Lunar illuminations with Intellabeams,| Detroits FREE weekly party location
loops & efx, lasers & strobes for a | information. Free to call - Free
visual enhancement of planetary pro- | Advertise - Free to keep in the know
portions! Full Smart Bar, free water | Preserved by the House Ink Company
and sweet treats to keep you in orbit |-----------------------------------------
'til dawn! |PITTSBURGH BOMB at RagTime Thursdays 8pm
| 2415 Forbes Ave
Spaced out costumes encouraged! | DJs: dieselBoy <----------
| Soji-Fu
Admission $10 ... All Ages Welcome | Dr. Seuss
Call 615-780-3730) | spinning breakbeat, hardcore, trance