This is the time that tests men's souls. The period when an avocation
becomes more burden than relief. At least, it is for me. I've been
recording "Blue Heaven" for the last two weeks (almost) and I've gotten
to the point where it's not a whole hellava lot of fun anymore. It
seems burdensome, and I'd rather watch random Youtube videos about
online personalities, who've pursued their dreams, than I'd rather
pursue my own.
This is a symptom, of course: it's the clear sign of SELF-DOUBT. "Blue
Heaven" is nearly done -- the initial recording duty, that is. And I'm
at the point now, that when I hear my voice, I cringe, I mean, I just
cringe. It's a stylized story, with metaphorical alliteration and
unnatural speech rhythms, and, I have to tell you, it's been tough. I
broke it up into thirteen parts, and have purposely restricted myself to
only one part per day (per night, actually). I don't know how sensible
that is, since it's not a long story, and I always saw the performance
of it as a live thing, done in a single sitting, as it were. I'm not so
used to performing in dribs and drabs like this. And it really IS a
performance, I've come to understand. While it's ostensibly just a
reading of my story, I believe it's morphed more into a dramatic
performance than anything else. That makes it a different ballgame, and
-- at least to my mind -- justifies the slower production pace. Then
again, it can't POSSIBLY get slower than this thing has taken to get to
this point (25 years), so what's another day, more-or-less?
But there's still that problem I have with my voice...I hear my line
readings, and I'm dissatisfied. But I gotta tell ya, they'll simply
have to do. I'm a lazy, lazy man, perhaps, but I've gotten out of the
swing of acting, which this particular project seems to have become, and
no mistake. I'm hoping that when I edit it together later this month
and into the new year, and then add in the music and sound effects and
such, that I will be a bit more satisfied. I'd hate think that the only
public performance of this thing that I'm ever likely to do is one I'm
innately unhappy with.
In other words, I have NO idea if "Blue Heaven" is good, bad, or
indifferent. I have NO view if I'll like it or hate it. And,
certainly, I have no clue whatsoever how others might react. I guess
I'll find out in a couple of months. I can't think that far ahead right
now, though, and I can't indulge in self-recrimination about time lost
or intonations mischosen during the recording process. It'll be
whatever it ends up being. Que sera, friggin' sera.
(c) 2010 lostnbronx
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