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* Notes From Ground Zero *
* by *
* Jim Taylor *
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ulon
HOW TO TREAT A WRITER
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����Th� deafenin� silenc� i� broke� onl� b� th� occasiona� �
hormon� drive� cricke� lookin� fo� lov� i� al� th� wron� places. �
Th� write� sits shiverin� i� th� coo�, lat� nigh� air� Scarre� �
bloodles� finger� ta� o� cold impartia� key� a� th� first light �
of a new day gently caresses the windows. Raising a cup of tepid �
coffee to his lips he ponders the eternal question that haunts �
writers everywhere, "How come I'm not in bed like normal people?"
����In other words, wh� d� writer� write�
����Because it's there. Oh, sorry-that's not it, that's mountain �
climbers. Speaking of mountains, did I ever tell you about the �
time I nearly froze my * off on Mount Washington? It was cold and �
windy, a record snowfall had blanketed the ground with. . . what, �
oh, yeah, where was I?. . . writers!
����Writers write because they have within themselves a creative �
urge which wants to force it's way out into the world, sort of �
like that thing in ALIEN. But, instead of bursting out of our �
chests and eating our friends, this thing dribbles from our �
fingertips onto our keyboards (and makes one heck of a mess.) �
While you might think this process would make for a full and �
exciting life, having to clean these keyboards every day is a �
pretty lonely job.
����I was surprised to learn that most people don't know any �
writers. Of course, everybody I know knows at least one, but it �
seems that many people are culturally deprived. So in the event �
that you are someday lucky enough to meet an actual writer, I'd �
like to share with you these words of wisdom. (I know that �
they're words of wisdom because it says so right here on the �
package.)
����1. Never ask a writer where he gets his ideas. Writers are �
intrinsically paranoid, it's part of the job description. They �
don't want you to find out because they're afraid you'll steal �
the ideas and become rich and famous which only serves them right �
since they're really worthless human beings at the core. Writers �
tend to be very hard on themselves and are depressed a lot. Cut �
them some slack, for Pete's sake.
����2. Never say to a writer, "I'm going to write a book, too. As �
soon as I get the time." Writers know that there is never time to �
write, that it doesn't take any time to write. It takes time to �
edit. It takes time to sharpen pencils. It takes time to think �
of excuses not to write.
����3. Please don't tell a writer, "I have this great idea for a �
book. I'll tell it to you and all you have to do is write it and �
we'll both be rich." Writers know this isn't true. They know most �
people are boring. (That's why they lock themselves away and make �
up fictional people. Do you think they'd bother to do this if �
they knew anybody interesting?) Besides, there are really only ��two rich writers in the world. One of them is Stephen King, who �
writes a bestseller every morning between his coffee and his �
toast. I don't remember the other because reading rich writers �
only depresses me and I think about becoming an accountant or an �
Amway salesman and we wouldn't want that now, would we? Besides, �
every writer knows that best selling ideas come from a small mail �
order company in New Jersey-oops, forget I said that.
����4. "Thank you for submitting your article, GARDENING IN YOUR �
PANTS FOR FUN AND PROFIT. Unfortunately, it does not meet our �
needs at this time. We recommend you don't give up your day job. �
Have you ever thought of getting professional help?"
����Now that you know what not to say, here are some things every �
writer loves to hear:
����1. "Would you like a grant?"
����2. "Can I buy you lunch?"
����3. "Can I buy you a BMW?"
����4. "Would you like to meet my beautiful, young daughter? She �
has a thing for writers."
����5. "Would you like a cup of coffee?" Coffee, if you aren't �
aware of it, is the elixir of the gods. Writers cannot write �
without coffee. People who don't drink coffee will never become �
writers. However, cigarettes are optional. I'm sorry, I don't �
make the rules.
����6. "Thank you for submitting your latest article, we think �
you are a genius and will pay you any amount of money you want �
for it. By the way, have you met my beautiful, young daughter?"
����It should be clear to you now that writers are the most �
important people on earth. If it wasn't for them, you'd have to �
spend your evenings watching overpaid actors on TV saying stuff �
like, "Um, like, let's do something and, um, get the bad guys or �
um, something. OK?" This magazine would be smaller with a lot �
more pictures which you wouldn't understand because there'd be �
nobody to write captions explaining them.
����So, the next time you meet a writer, show him some �
appreciation. You don't have to throw yourself to the ground and �
kiss their feet (although that might be a nice touch.) All you �
have to do is smile, shake hands and give them the entire �
contents of your wallet. You'll sleep better knowing you've given �
your support.
����And if you happen to have a beautiful, young daughter. . .
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-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-�-
JIM TAYLOR is a writer who lives in Newington, Connecticut. Hours �
of worship are by appointment only.
