A synonym is a word you use
when you can't spell the other one.
--Tom Mackie
That which is everybody's
business is nobody's business.
--Izaak Walton
Villains are undone by what is
worst in them, heroes by what is best.
--Voltaire, "The Rose
and the Scalpel" by Gregory Benford
I know te stuff is "lewd and
suggestive." That's what they said 35
years ago about Elvis.
--Joe Bob Briggs about 2 Live
Crew
If you shoot a mime, do you
need a silencer? --Steven Wright
BEER Isn't Just For Breakfast
Anymore. --Unknown
If men are God's gift to women,
then God must really love gag gifts.
--Unknown
Cartoonist Solves Laura Palmer
Murder. "I'll be Danged," Says
Producer Lynch. --Newspaper headline,
"Fox Trot" strip (Bill Amend)
Dog Trainer: Speak, Grimmy,
speak... If you can speak, you'll get
a dog biscuit.
Grimm (thinking): Lady, if I
could _speak_, I'd get ten grand on the
Letterman show.
--"Mother Goose and Grimm"
strip (Mike Peters)
The only reason I exist is so
my shadow would have something to do.
--Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I
don't know when I'm going to use it.
--Steven Wright
Writing? You'll put all the
storytellers out of work!
--Caveman, Hoest cartoon
I almost got a girl pregnant in
high school. It's costing me a fortune
to keep the rabbit on a life-support
system. --Will Shriner
I like work; it fascinates me.
I can sit and look at it for hours.
--Jerome K. Jerome
OF COURSE I'm your friend,
Albert -- An' I'll STILL be your friend
even if you KEEP ON smokin'... Jes'
not for as LONG is all...
--Pogo, "Walt Kelley's Pogo"
strip (Doyle and Sternecky)
Louisiana? You imbecile! I
told you to sell Lusitania!
--Napoleon Bonaparte,
Hoest cartoon
It is the wretchedness of being
rich that you have to live with rich
people. --Logan Pearsall Smith
You know, sometimes it seems
like you're so narrow-minded that you
can see through a keyhole with both
eyes simultaneously. --Jeff Lee
If you didn't know me, would
you think I was a stranger?
--Steven Wright
Enough Television
-----------------
Go Read A Book
--Closing credit, "Tiny
Toon Adventures"
I'm naming my first ulcer after
you.
--Plucky Duck, "Tiny
Toon Adventures"
I always watch what I eat. I'm
afraid of something getting away.
--Hagar, "Hagar the
Horrible" strip (Chris Browne)
When it's raining and the sun
shines at the same time, God makes a
rainbow, doesn't he? Well, when you
laugh and then you cry about something,
it's a rainbow day!
--Elizabeth, "For Better or For
Worse" strip (Lynn Johnston)
I believe that people would be
alive today if there were a death
penalty. --Nancy Reagan
At age fifty, every man has the
face he deserves. --George Orwell
The secret to being young is to
live honestly, eat slowly, and lie
about your age. --Lucille Ball
