Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
--Oscar Wilde
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it. --Monta Crane
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world
owes you nothing. It was here first. --Mark Twain
Oh, Helen! You're pregnant? That's wonderful!... At first, I
was taking you quite literally when you said you had one in the oven.
--One witch to another, "The Far Side"
Nazis. I hate these guys.
--Indiana Jones, "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"
Hey! I'm TRYING to pass the potatoes!... Remember, my forearms
are just as useless as yours!
--Father Tyranosaurus Rex to family, "The Far Side"
Tell the truth and you won't have so much to remember. --
Unknown
You can't depend on your eyes if your imagination is out of
focus.
--Mark Twain
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb
and clap as they go by. --Will Rogers
It is the anonymous "they," the enigmatic "they" who are in
charge. Who is "they"? I don't know. Nobody knows. Not even "they"
themselves.
--Joseph Heller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-- Phyllis Diller
He promised me earrings, but he only pierced my ears.
-- Arabian saying
I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being
required by law to sleep with me every night. --Carrie Snow
Look! Behind ya! Ain't that Lou Ferrigno?!
--The Incredible Hulk to The Incredible Hulk,
"The Incredible Hulk" #373
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his house. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
I take my children everywhere, but the always find their way
back home. --Robert Orben
The man who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well
sized up. --Unknown
I'm getting too old to hit attractive men over the head and
carry them off. And the sad part is, I'm so old that's the only way I
can get them! --Savil, "Magic's Price" by Mercedes Lackey
You can't wash off blood with blood. --Zen proverb
If you're not going to kill me, I have things to do.
--Colin Friels, "Darkman"
I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me
a quitter. --Steven Pearl
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free
and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the
antidote.
--Emo Philips
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I
never saw any reason to limit myself. --Emo Philips
We've got to go -forward- to the future, and -past- to the...
<struggled pause> ...-back-.
--Vice Pres. Dan Quayle, with broad gestures
The guys came by to have some fun. They'll come and stay all
night, I fear. But I know how to make them run. I serve them all
generic beer.
--"Batch" strip (Marshall & Cravens)
If women reaching their sexual peak at age 34 while men reach it
at 18 is not proof that God is a woman, then I don't know what is. --
Peter David
I had a friend who told me he was tired of writing for nothing.
He was going to go to California and write for money. And he did. He
moved to California and I still get letters from him saying, "Please
send me money."
--Peter David
The Pillsbury Dough Boy Serves Six will not be shown at this
time...
--"You Can't Do That On Television!"
The Vegans. They count MILK as meat. EGGS is meat, CHEESE is
meat, FISH is meat, BACON'S meat... They won't even eat SPAM!
--Christine's mother, "Big Numbers" #2 by Alan Moore
