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WARNING!! This FAQ contains references and excerpts from a video game of a
rather perverted nature. You'll find plenty of references to sex, bodily
functions, patriotism, worship of inanimate objects, D&D, and other stuff of
a non-PC nature. You'll find no links to pictures here, though, and I won't
give them no matter how much you ask. There's also lots of bad language,
here. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
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Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude (PC Version)
A Conversation Script by CyricZ
Version 1.1
E-mail: cyricz42 at yahoo.com
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Hi, and welcome to my little transcription of all the conversations in
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude (aka "the best part"). During the chat
mini-games, most of the characters have a set script, but Larry has the
potential to say one of three different things, and some of them can get
pretty funny, so here's all possibilities!
A: This is the newest in the series of the same name, published by Sierra and
Vivendi Universal, and developed by High Voltage Studios.
Q: What is the rating of this game?
A: This game is rated M for Mature. The game also has the taglines of:
Mature Humor, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Alcohol, and
Nudity. More specifically, the language goes all the way up to the f-word,
and has many sexual references. The nudity is mostly topless. Any bottom
nudity (in the American version) is obscured by censor bars. There's also
bodily functions involved.
Q: Is the humor in this game like the older games?
A: Quite so. In fact, in our depraved 2000's world of South Park, The Man
Show, and other such forms of media, the humor has been updated to
accommodate our less strict society.
Q: Is the gameplay in this game like the older games?
A: Not really. While Larry is required to wander around campus to search for
what he's supposed to do, much of the actual "doing" is involved in little
mini-games. There are only several mini-games, but lots of chances to play,
so you'll find yourself playing the same mini-games several times a game.
Q: Can I ask you a question on how to beat the game?
A: I suppose. I'm not the particularly perfect source of help, though.
This Italian chicky has a wild body, and a mouth to match. She's got a
rather dominating father, though, and he's got plenty of "friends" in the
Sanitation business...
============
3A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry approaches Analisa outside the frat house.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Buenas noches, bombero! Para baila la bamba se necesito una
poca de gracia!
*Red Sombrero* Oy! Mi abolita! Feliz Navidad! Prospero ano nuevo y
felicidad!
*Red Sombrero* Calchones! El gato y el perro en mi casa!
Analisa: Hey Fuck-o! I ain't Mexican, you prick! I'm Italian.
Larry:
*Red Hot Dog* Ah, ya hungry? I got a nine-inch manicotti in my pants!
*Green Smiley* Well, my family's from the Faulkland Islands. My grandpa...
accidentally started that war, and that's why my family's here, now.
*Red Note* Sooo... You like Color Me Badd?
(Analisa's phone rings.)
Analisa: Hold on a sec... (into phone) Will you shut your fuckin' mouth?
Yeah? Go where? Well, I say I ain't comin' unless I feel like it. All
right all right, I got that thing. I got it. What? Ungrateful fuck, I
oughtta break your fuckin' legs! (hangs up)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Was that your parole officer?
*Red Money* Was that your bookie?
*Green Smiley* Who was that?
Analisa: My ma... She wants me to come home this weekend so we can all go to
a "Sanitation Workers' Awards Dinner". They're givin' my pop somethin',
I dunno. Christ, I hate that shit...
Larry:
*Red Frown* You think they're finally gonna give a Sanitation Award to Roy
Drusky? I mean, the guy's been nominated seven times! Anyway, you gotta
hear this...
*Red Frown* I've always found the Sanitation Workers to be a warm, festive
people, but listen to this...
*Green Smiley* I know, I know, tell me about it...
*Red Japan* Last year, my dad and Yokozuna lost to the Natural Disasters at
Summer Slam!
*Red Frown* (sigh) Last summer I had to fly down to Baton Rouge to get
honored by Chef Paul Prudhomme as "Amateur Cajun Chef of the Year".
*Green Smiley* I had to go home last year to watch my dad get inaugurated
president of the Mr. Belvedere Fan Club.
*Red Frown* They even televised it!
*Green Smiley* Talk about embarrassing!
*Red Frown* At one point, my dad jumped into the audience and put me in a
figure-four leglock!
Analisa: Ha... Man oh man. That's sound fuckin' boring. Ya got me beat.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Anyway, the important thing is that you don't let him get
under your skin.
*Red Note* Anyways, the important thing is to never leave home without your
magic flute.
*Red Frown* Anyways, the important thing is to never go swimming without a
buddy.
*Green Smiley* But I'm sure it's pretty easy for such a...
*Red Flag* But if anyone can pass that Transsexual Rights bill through the
Senate, it's a...
*Red Frown* But, believe me, that International Arm-Wrestling Title is yours.
Nobody can beat a...
*Green Smiley* ...strong, sophisticated woman like yourself!
*Red Pirate Hat* ...swarthy sea-faring fella like yourself!
*Red Frown* ...truck-drivin sonofagun like yourself!
Analisa: Don't I know it... Ma calls me three times a day! She wants to
know everything! Where I've been, who I'm with, am I being tailed?
Drives me nuts!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Ha! You should hear the questions when I go home!
*Red Lips* So, I'm filling out the Cosmo Relationship Survey and every other
question's like:
*Red Frown* So, I get arrested for illicit lewd behavior, and the cops are
interrogating me, and they're like:
*Red Boobs* "When are you gonna stop breastfeeding?"
*Red Frown* "When is National Butter Crunch Day?"
*Green Smiley* "When are you gonna graduate?"
*Red Dildo* "Who put the strap-on dildo on the police chief's pet eagle?"
*Red Bread* "Who ate my roast beef sandwich?"
*Green Smiley* "Who stole all your mother's bras?"
*Red Brain* "What is the molecular weight of barium?"
*Red Frown* "Jordanus Memanarius wrote "Mechanica" in what year?"
*Green Smiley* "What is this charge to 1-900-SENIOR-SLUTS on the phone
bill? How did you DIAL 1-900-SENIOR-SLUTS, it has too many digits!"
*Red Frown* They treat me like a baby!
*Red Hick Face* And I don't know any of the answers!
*Green Smiley* It never ends!
Analisa: Ya tellin' me! My pop's either out all night on business or in
Atlantic City with clients, so Ma has like, nothin' else to do but obsess
on me. It's like the fuckin'... French Inquisition when I'm home!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Now, I'll never have children due to state-enforced
sterilization...
*Green Smiley* (sigh) That's a shame. It's none of my business...
*Red Frown* Now, I'm not a father myself, that I know of...
*Red Frown* ...but, if I had a daugher as foul-mouthed as you...
*Green Smiley* ...but, if I had a daughter as smart and as pretty as you...
*Red Boobs* ...but, if I had a daughter as curvy and voluptuous as you...
*Red Frown* I'd buy her a pony...
*Green Smiley* I'd spend every spare minute I could letting her know how
important she was to me...
*Red NO Sign* I'd get champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, and get a
room at the In-Out Inn and...
Analisa: Wow... That's, like, real sweet o' you to say that... You're an
all right guy. I was thinkin'...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* There are a lot of whores in Atlantic City, aren't there?
Boy, a man could have a different woman every night for a year!
*Red Frown* Atlantic City has a rather extensive directory of private escorts,
don't they? If you settle for the ugly ones, it's only, like, sixty-five
bucks!
*Red Frown* They got that "Tattletales" nudie bar in Atlantic City, don't
they? I hear that place is the gilded palace of sin...
*Green Smiley* But, I didn't mean to imply that your dad pays for
prostitutes...
*Red Frown* Don't get me wrong! I'm not saying your dad's heading up there
to get handjobs or anything...
*Red Japan* And I'm not saying that sometimes your dad likes to mix it up and
hire an Asian male prostitute...
*Red Money* But I gotta admit, if I had the cash, I'd be there allll the
time!
*Red Frown* But, hell, if he is, can ya blame the guy?
*Green Smiley* It's just they're very... popular... that's all...
Analisa:
*Success* Exactly! See, I don't have ta tell you these things, you know 'em
already. You know the way my pop is! You read right through me! Let's go
for drinks. Maybe play some Quarters? I'm payin'. On me!
*Failure 1* All right, do me a favor and get the fuck outta my face, all
right?
*Failure 2* Uh, yeah... Look, I'm gonna go join my girlfriends. See ya
'round...
============
3B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry finds Analisa in the frat.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey! Anal-lisa!
*Red Butt* Analeeter! What's the good word?
*Red Frown* Steve! What's up my man?
Analisa: It's Analisa, you cocksucker! Ana...lisa! It's Italian? Ugh.
Anyway, I was still feelin' guilty, y'know, about uh, not goin' home this
weekend...
Larry:
*Red Drunk Face* I was once an alcoholic, myself, so I'm speaking from
personal experience...
*Green Smiley* Still? Listen, you gotta take my advice...
*Red Frown* Now, I'm a trained guidance counselor so listen up...
*Red Butt* If you show up naked to your grandma's funeral just once, your
family will never talk to you again!
*Green Smiley* Let it go man! If your parents can't deal with it, screw 'em!
*Red Flag* Never order transsexual strippers to a Daughters of the American
Revolution Chapter Fundraiser.
Analisa: Trust me, I wish it were that simple. I ain't gotta family you can
just, uh, walk away from? I think you know what I mean...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Oh yeah, I getcha. The Quakers...
*Red Frown* Oh yeah, I getcha. Armenians...
*Green Smiley* Oh yeah, I getcha. The Amish...
*Red Frown* People may laugh at your strange foreign customs, but, I find them
charming and quaint!
*Green Smiley* You should be proud of yourself!
*Red Frown* If that's what you are, that's okay!
*Red Frown* You guys invented the cotton gin, the printing press, and bananas,
and flying cars and--
*Red Frown* I can teach you how to use an electric can-opener, and you'll
find you can go to a store and buy butter, you don't have to churn it
yourself, and--
*Green Smiley* It's great you're using telephones, and you flung aside those
constricting bonnets and aprons, settling on a more--
Analisa: What?! You gotta fuckin' canoli in your ear? How many times I gotta
tell ya? I'm Italian! I-talian!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yeah, yeah, Mongolian. I get it.
*Red Frown* Don't interrupt me again! Anyway...
*Green Smiley* Okay all right whatever. Check this out...
*Red Can* So, my parents went away for a weekend last summer, and the
babysitter goes out to the store to pick up some canned ravioli.
*Red Scorpion* So, last summer, my parents left me alone in the house for
the day. Of course, they didn't tell me they were having the house
fumigated for scorpions...
*Green Smiley* So, I'm home last summer, my parents were gone for the
weekend, and I was looking after the house.
*Red Wang* So I'm sitting in the kitchen buck-naked with the Yellow Pages, and
I'm, uh, gettin' in touch with my manhood, and I pop my cookies all over the
escort pages!
*Green Smiley* So I'm leafing through the Yellow Pages, I was eating
brownies, and I'm trying to find the number for a good, uh, state appraiser,
and I accidentally get chocolate on the escort pages! And I start freakin'
out, right?
*Red Drunk Face* So I called this prostitute up and she comes over and she's
schnookered. Side-sippin' a bottle of Mad Dog, y'know? She's tryin' to up
her price, so I grab the phone book, and turn to her ad in the escort pages,
and she pukes all over it!
*Red Frown* So I'm scrubbing furiously with Pine-Sol and warm water, but I
end up smudging all the ink.
*Green Smiley* So, I get some paper towels, and I start trying to wipe off
the pages, but I just ended up smudging all the ink.
*Red Frown* So, I toss it in the dishwasher, threw it on the rinse cycle, and
I ended up smudging all the ink...
Analisa: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. Is this goin' somewhere?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Yeah, so like two months later, my dad comes up to me and he's
like, "Do you have any idea who smudged up the escort pages?"
*Red Frown* Yeah, so like two months later, I caught my dad under a bridge
with a seven-foot-tall transvestite, and he's like, "You see what I've been
reduced to? What the hell happened to the escort pages?"
*Red Frown* Yeah, so like two months later, I'm at my grandpa's retirement
dinner, and my dad's pointin' fingers at everybody askin' "Who ruined my
escort pages?"
*Red Frown* Then I'm like, "Ever since you re-hid your back issues of Jugs,
it's the only thing around here I can masturbate to. Why are YOU askin'?"
*Red Frown* Then I'm like, "Me? I was ordering up a hooker! What's your
excuse?"
*Green Smiley* And then I'm like, "Why were you looking at the escort pages?"
Analisa: What'd he say?
Larry:
*Red Cheese* And he says, "I was looking for a whore, Larry! I'm tired of
looking at your mother's big ass and cottage cheese thighs!"
*Green Smiley* He says, "I was looking for a whore, Larry! Have you seen
your mother, lately?"
*Red Frown* He says, "I was looking for a whore, Larry! Lately, your mom's
been too busy eatin' bon-bons to clean out my rope!"
*Red Flag* I told my grandpa about it, but he just told me some story about
the time he got arrested for rubbing up against Calvin Coolidge.
*Green Smiley* After that, we didn't make eye contact for a few days! We
didn't speak for like three weeks!
*Red Frown* I brought it up at my Gamblers' Anonymous Meeting and my sponsor
asked me, "What the hell does that have to do with gambling?" Then he threw
a poker chip at me and hit me in the eye!
Analisa: Whores... Your pop, too, eh? Then, you spit in his face. Right in
his face. Agh, what a pair of gagoozies on this kid, eh?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, man, when I'm home, anything goes! I order a pizza, get
this, with hamburger on it!
*Red Frown* Oh, man, when I'm home, the place turns into a madhouse! I pig
out on Fun-yuns!
*Red Frown* Oh, man, when I'm home it's crazy. I'll wear one of those fake
arrows through my head.
*Red Frown* I'm watching Emanuelle movies on late night cable.
*Green Smiley* I'm crankin' Bel Biv Davoe until 11:30 at night.
*Red Frown* I taught my cat to tell my dad to go to Hell.
*Red Note* I made some bleachers out of popsicle sticks, and set up all my
action figures together, and I'd pretend I was the keyboardist from Manfred
Mann's Earth Band! And I had a big arena concert in my room!
*Red Frown* I put some food dye in the milk, and my mom's like, "Why's the
milk blue?" and I told her Papa Smurf peed in it! Heheheh!
*Green Smiley* I put a pair of sunglasses on my dog, and he's runnin' around
the house, and my mom's like "Why's the dog wearin' a pair of sunglasses?"
Analisa: Whoa... What a pack o' zingys! You doin' all this at your parents'
house?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Actually, I set up a pup-tent in the backyard, and took my
boombox out there, woke up my dad and he ran out there, and kicked the tent
down. He was real mad!
*Red Balls* Not exactly. I got locked in one night at Discovery Zone. It was
cool, though. I slept in the ball pit. When I came home the next morning,
my dad was really mad when he saw me. He thought I'd finally moved out of
the house!
*Red Frown* No, I was talkin' about my dorm room. My parents have the phone
number, here. My dad calls and checks up on me every six months.
Analisa: That fuckin' prick. That's what I'm talkin' about. You try to have
a good time, and they kick your pup-tent down...
*Green Smiley* Listen, forget about going home.
*Red Frown* You gotta let 'em know who's boss!
*Red Frown* You gotta take them down with cunning quickness and strategy!
*Green Smiley* Next time your mom calls, let it ring!
*Red Frown* Next time you do the wild thing with some guy, imagine it's me!
*Red Explosion* Next time your mom gives you attitude, you give her the
Crippler Cross-Face into the Figure-Four, and have her beg for mercy!
Analisa:
*Success* Ehh... what the hell. Sure. Everyone's always kissin' my pop's
ass back in the neighborhood. 'Bout time somebody told him "no".
*Failure 1* Thanks, but this is a family thing, y'know? No outsiders. See
ya around.
*Failure 2* Yeah, uh, look. Thanks for the advice. This is something I gotta
deal with on my own, y'know?
============
3C. Chat 3 =
============
(Larry and Analisa chat by the trampoline. Analisa's phone rings.)
Analisa (into phone): Yeah, what is it? (sugar coating) Ohhhh... Hi, Daddy!
Mmm hmm! (puts hand on phone) It's my father. He wants me to come home for
the weekend.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Okay. You tell him you're sticking around this weekend,
'cause you got a hot date!
*Red Frown* All right. Tell him you're going pheasant hunting this weekend!
*Red Money* Now, calm down. Explain to him that you're planning on a high
society jewel heist this weekend.
Analisa: Yeah, yeah, I don't think I can do that. Pop here ain't used to
people talkin' to him like that, and uh... Who am I going this weekend
with?
Larry:
*Red Frown* With AJ from Backstreet! Ohhh... He's the best one!
*Green Smiley* Uh, me? You gotta date with me!
*Red Frown* With Jeff Goldblum... He's dated everybody.
Analisa: Ayyy, come on here. He knows I got standards. I ain't datin' no
ugly guys.
Larry:
*Red Frown* All right. First, if you have a burning sensation when you
urinate, it's best to see a doctor immediately.
*Red Cheese* All right. First, Miermot Cheese is just an advertising
gimmick...
*Green Smiley* All right. First, don't panic.
*Red Hick Face* Second, REO Speedwagon has gotten an unfair bad rap from
critics over the years.
*Green Smiley* Second, ugly guys try harder, okay?
*Red Shocked Face* Second, never try to eat a live water moccasin, even on a
dare.
*Red Butt* And third, never give a prostitute a blank check!
*Red Frown* And third, in spite of its apparent popularity, licorice tastes
like an old dirty butt!
*Green Smiley* And third, just lie to him, he's not gonna know the
difference.
Analisa: Listen, I can't leave the man on hold here. I gotta tell him
something!
Larry:
*Red Angry Face* Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just give me the phone already.
*Red Frown* Gimme the phone. I'll hit him with a little street knowledge.
*Green Smiley* Here, hand me the phone. I think I can handle this.
Analisa: All right, but you listen good. Don't go breakin' balls, or he'll
have yours bronzed up on his mantle.
Larry (into phone):
*Green Smiley* Yes, this is Assistant Dean Abrahamson, calling on behalf of
Walnut Log Community College.
*Red Hick Face* Yeah, hey. This is Larry, Larry Lovage...
*Red Can* Hello, sir. I'm Russell calling from Norcom Technologies.
*Red Money* I'm calling to tell you you may be eligible for our fifty million
dollar grand prize! I'm just going to need your name, credit card number,
and birthdate!
*Red Frown* Now, look. I don't know how you got this number, but would you
please not call here again, oh, and if you could, take us off your phone
list.
*Green Smiley* I'm afraid Analisa's going to be busy tonight, so she'll have
to take a raincheck on coming home this weekend. Capisce?
(Daddy makes noises from the other end.)
Larry (into phone):
*Red Frown* Well, if you don't like Chinese cuisine, I could also suggest...
*Green Smiley* Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, sir. Can I suggest, maybe,
I dunno...
*Red Angry Face* Welll, somebody's got a little temper. Why don't you do me a
favor? How 'bout...
*Red Frown* ...a career in home furnishings!
*Green Smiley* ...sticking your thumb up your ass?
*Red Poo* ...eating my doo-doo?
(More noises.)
Larry (into phone):
*Green Smiley* Yes, I know what a car crusher is, why? Oh... Uh... Hrm.
I see.
*Red Frown* No, you wouldn't wanna do that to me! I'm affable!
*Red Balls* My balls in a pickle jar? No, I don't think I would like that...
*Red Frown* You're in town, here? (to Analisa) Oh, for God sakes, put
something on!
*Green Smiley* Oh! And you're on campus right now! I see. (to Analisa)
Put your top on!
*Red Shocked Face* Y-you're here? At school? (to Analisa) Be decent, woman!
Put some clothes on!
*Red Frown* Oh, no, I don't know why I said that, I'm here all by myself!
Nobody here but us chickens!
*Red Frown* No, I was talking to Dean Abrahamson. Come now, Dean Abrahamson,
think of the children!
*Green Smiley* N-no, I wasn't talking to your daughter, sir. I swear, I
never laid a hand on her!
(More noises.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Guys with...anti-aircraft guns? Well. I'd say that's a little
ostentatious...
*Green Smiley* Guys...with...bats? Heheh... Really?
*Red Frown* A Sherman Tank? That seems a bit excessive...
*Red Frown* Come on, you're a guy, right? You understand! Let me do my
business and I'll bring her back to you in due time!
*Red Frown* Okay, how 'bout after I'm through with her, I bring her back to
the dorms for ya!
*Green Smiley* But I'll tell you what. How 'bout I just bring her back to
the dorms for you.
*Red Frown* I'll make sure she's more than satisfied!
*Red Shocked Face* I'll be sure she's fully dressed!
*Green Smiley* Well, I could... help her pack!
*Red Frown* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!
*Red Money* Okay, how 'bout I give you my money and my car, and for my part,
I get outta your face.
*Green Smiley* Or I could drive the car around the block for you. Y'know,
parking can be such a real hassle, sir... I--
*Red Sombrero* Okay, don't panic! I know a guy in Tijuana. He can give us
whole new faces and IDs!
*Red Frown* Let's get out of here! Relocate to Toledo! He'll never look
for us there!
*Green Smiley* Take the phone! Run for you life! Help me! Tell him I'm
sorry!
Analisa:
*Success* Hurry, Larry! I think that prick traced the call! Let's get back
to your place! He'll never think to look for us there.
*Failure 1* Good job, numbnuts. Now he's really pissed. Go ahead and get
the hell outta here. I'll take the heat myself. Jerkoff...
*Failure 2* All right, all right! You done enough here. Christ...
******************************************************************************
4. BARBARA JO
******************************************************************************
Named for her mother, Barbara Bimbo (from LSL2), this lady is the clear
defintion of the word "blonde". Captain of the cheerleading squad, and
apparently had an operation to put the contents of her brain into her "pom
poms"...
============
4A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry approaches Barbara Jo in the sorority house.)
Larry's Pants: Awoooogah! Babes, ahoy! Check out the gazongas on this one!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Yeah, I noticed...
*Red Frown* Watch 'em bounce!
*Red Boobs* Oh, boy... Are we gonna see some boobies?
Pants: Who's in charge, here? All right, time to play it cool... Act real
smooth! Now, we need an opening line. Ask her for her autograph...
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* Why don't we write up a card that says "Do you like Larry?"
and she can check yes or no?
*Green Smiley* What, are you serious?
*Red Frown* Actually, I was thinking about organizing my Little Rascals
memorabilia collection today...
Pants: Just say it!
Larry:
*Red Balls* I got a few baseballs in the car. Can you sign them for my son?
*Red Boobs* Would you sign my boobs?
*Green Smiley* Ahem. (reciting) Can I have your autograph...
Barbara Jo: Why?
Pants: All right, tell the broad you thought she was Miss America...
Larry:
*Red Frown* You won for Best All-Girl Sex Scene at the AVNs last year, didn't
ya? You and Geraldine McWhiskerbox were on-screen magic!
*Green Smiley* You are Miss America, aren't you?
*Red Frown* You placed second at the Westminster Dog Show last year, didn't
you?
Barbara Jo: Well, I was a semi-finalist for Majestic Little Miss Mendocino
in 1988.
Pants: Bingo!
Barbara Jo: I don't know, maybe you remember me from the football games?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* You play football?
*Red Frown* I prefer backgammon, it's a gentleman's sport...
*Red Maple Leaf* I only watch Canadian League Football, the sport of kings...
Pants: Are you serious? You're killing me, here!
Barbara Jo: No! I'm a cheerleader!
Larry:
*Red Lips* In high school, I led my cheerleading team to the US Spirit
National Championships!
*Green Smiley* I used to be a cheerleader in high school!
*Red Frown* I used to pretend I was a cheerleader at bachelor parties and
school events!
*Red Explosion* And then, one day, I was assaulted in the parking lot by
the team captain, and he said...
*Green Smiley* Then, one day, the team captain pulled me aside and said...
*Red Frown* And then, one day, the team captain accidentally hit me with his
car and he said to me...
*Red Brain* "I'm not the team captain, I'm the state-appointed psychologist!"
*Red Frown* "I'm not the team captain, I'm Ed Selmo, the janitor!"
*Green Smiley* "I'm not the team captain, I'm Frank Hannon's father!"
*Green Smiley* "And you're not a cheerleader! You made that uniform you're
wearing out of napkins and paper towels and your pom-poms are two mop
heads. Please leave the debate team alone. They find your presence very
distracting."
*Red Scorpion* "Please don't let the school mascot out of his cage, again...
I told you this before: he's not a man in a costume, he's a wild animal!
Last time you let him loose, he ate a kid!"
*Red Frown* "But if you'd like to come back to my place, heheh, my wife's
outta town..."
Pants: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! All right, move it on over! I'm taking
control of this vessel!
Barbara Jo: Yeah right... Anyway, you don't even know my name!
Pants (through Larry):
*Green Smiley* Okay, then, sweetheart, what's your name?
*Red Devil* You gotta name, little girl?
*Red Devil* Well, are you gonna tell me?
Barbara Jo: And why should I tell you?
Pants:
*Green Smiley* Wowie, wow, wow! This kitten's got claws!
*Red Splat* 'Cause if you don't, I might just spit in your face!
*Red Devil* Hey, with a body like that, I don't care about your name!
*Red Boobs* Didn't your mama tell you you should never wear nothin' that
covers up that rack of yours?
*Red Butt* Hey, sweetie. Anybody ever tell you you've got an ass a man
can eat off of?
*Green Smiley* You're a real barn-burner, kid! Anyone ever tell you that?
Barbara Jo: Uh, I don't think so...
Pants:
*Green Smiley* Put that in writing and I'll paste it in my scrapbook!
*Red Devil* I don't care what you think. Heck, I don't care IF you think!
*Red Devil* Somebody shoulda said somethin'!
*Green Smiley* You are one ripe tomato!
*Red Boobs* What a set of funbags you got on you!
*Red Butt* You got an ass that won't quit, honey!
*Green Smiley* I don't know about you, but I'm red hot and ready to moan
tonight!
*Red Devil* I have my court-ordered anger management counseling, tonight, but
after that, I'm free!
*Red Devil* Why dontcha meet me around seven outside the VD clinic? I gotta
pick up some Condasil creme.
Barbara Jo: Yeah, that's great. Good luck with that. I'll be with my
boyfriend, Chet, tonight!
Pants:
*Green Smiley* That schmoe from Kokomo that works at that riki-tik rug joint
on Bob Balliban Boulevard?
*Red Devil* That hooch-hound Goldilocks workin' that hole in the wall on
Bob Balliban Boulevard?
*Red Devil* That half-hipped crumb workin' the hash house on Bob Balliban
Boulevard?
*Green Smiley* Let me wake you, kid. He's Endsville!
*Red Devil* He oughtta have his wardrobe cleaned and burned!
*Red Devil* He ain't worth the powder it'd take to blow his nose!
*Red Devil* Spend some time with me, and you'll be hep to the jive!
*Green Smiley* Stick with me, baby. I'm a real king bee!
*Red Devil* I'm high, wide, handsome, and lookin' for love!
Barbara Jo: Yeah, and why should I go anywhere with you?
Pants:
*Green Smiley* Whatsa matter? You afraid you might like it?
*Red Devil* Oh yeah, you know you're gonna like it!
*Red Devil* What, you don't think you like it?
Barbara Jo: No, I know I'm not gonna like it!
Pants:
*Red Devil* Hey, don't knock it 'til you tried it twice!
*Red Devil* Hey, don't knock it 'til you tried it twice!
*Green Smiley* Hey, don't knock it 'til you tried it twice!
Barbara Jo:
*Success* Oh, all right. So I admit this might be good for a laugh and a
half, but I'm calling the shots!
Pants: You snap the whip, I'll take the trip!
*Failure 1* Um, Wisconsin called? They, like, want your cheesiness back?
*Failure 2* Oh my God! Does that actually, like, work on anybody?
============
4B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry is in his room.)
Larry's Pants: Call her up!
(Larry dials. Barbara Jo picks up her phone while in her room.)
Barbara Jo: Hello? Hello??
Larry (in an odd fake voice):
*Green Smiley* Hello? Barbara Jo?
*Red Frown* Yes, are you Barbara Jones?
*Red Frown* Um, is this Joe Barbera?
*Green Smiley* This is your boyfriend, Chet.
*Red Frown* This is Chet. I have dialed you on the telephone.
*Red Frown* Hello. I am Chet. I am your boyfriend.
Barbara Jo: This doesn't sound like Chet.
Larry:
*Red Frown* Oh, well, I have been diagnosed with psoriasis of the liver.
*Green Smiley* Yes. It seems I've come down with a bit of a cold.
*Red Frown* Oh, I have an awful pain in my cervix.
Barbara Jo: Ohhh, I'm so sorry to hear that, sweetie... I was gonna go out
tonight. I guess I won't see you at the club, then?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yes. That sounds fun.
*Red Frown* The club?
*Green Smiley* Yes. Perhaps.
Pants: You're blowin' it!
Larry:
*Red Frown* That doesn't seem like a good idea to me.
*Red Tombstone* You could be in grave danger.
*Green Smiley* Uh, no. Don't go there. I will not be there.
*Red Frown* In spite of what you hear from other people, the club is closed.
*Red Flag* Secret government agents have closed the club.
*Green Smiley* The club is closed tonight, so I will not be there. Nor will
any other people be there.
*Red Frown* Due to mysterious circumstances...
*Green Smiley* Because the club is closed...
*Red Frown* Because something bad happened...
Barbara Jo: Seriously? I didn't hear anything about that. What's wrong?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* What's wrong?
*Red Frown* I don't know what's wrong!
*Red Frown* You don't know?
Pants: C'mon, c'mon! Think of something!
Larry:
*Red Tombstone* I could tell you, but it would put you in grave danger.
*Green Smiley* I'm not allowed to tell you. It is top secret.
*Red Frown* I'm sorry. I have signed a confidentiality agreement.
Barbara Jo: C'mon, sweetie, you can tell me!
Pants: Line's gettin' tired. Time to cut this one loose...
Larry:
*Red Frown* I called to tell you that I think you're a ninny.
*Green Smiley* I just called to say I don't love you.
*Red Lips* I called to say that I like to eat my own boogers.
Pants: Aaaand?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* And I'm engaging in sexual intercourse with your mother...
right now! As we are talking on the telephone...
*Red Frown* And I'm engaging in sexual intercourse with... Dean Abrahamson...
right now! As we are talking on the telephone...
*Red Frown* And I'm engaging in sexual intercourse with... Chet... right now!
As we are talking on the telephone...
*Red Frown* Hey! That's not supposed to go in THEEERE... Hmm... Ooo...
Maybe it is...
*Green Smiley* Ha ha ha. Oh, my. We got a real hellcat in the sack, here!
*Red Tool* Put down that riding crop, you naughty, naughty thing!
Barbara Jo:
*Success* Oh, Chet! How could you? My friends warned me about you. I hate
you forever! Go to Hell!
Pants: Bingo!
*Failure 1* Um, I don't know who you are, but I'm gonna find out! My daddy
is, like, the biggest lawyer in California and he's gonna totally sue you,
for, like, emotional distress or something!
*Failure 2* Listen, I don't know who this is, but if you call back here
again, I'm, like, gonna call the cops.
============
4C. Chat 3 =
============
(Larry is speaking to Barbara Jo in the sorority house.)
Larry: What's wrong?
Barbara Jo: Oh, Larry. I'm, like, so mad right now, I don't know what to do!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Sucks to be you...
*Green Smiley* I'm sorry to hear that...
*Red Frown* Aww, too bad...
*Red Frown* But, hey, those are the breaks...
*Green Smiley* What happened?
*Red Brain* But, come on, what am I, your shrink?
Barbara Jo: It's my boyfriend, Larry. Or should I say "ex-boyfriend"...
That total a-hole! So, it turns out that call I got the other day was, like,
a total prank! Ugh, whatever! So, anyway, I confront Chet about it, and I
catch him in bed with Estelle Barfus! Ugh! Estelle Barfus! Yuck! Like,
it is SO over!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Did somebody touch you in your "no no" place?
*Red Frown* Barbara Jo, you sound angry. After we're done here, I want you
to draw a poster or a picture that can remind you how to deal with your
anger, and we'll put it up in a place where you can see it.
*Green Smiley* Barbara Jo, you sound so full of anger. Anger is only one
letter away from "danger"...
*Red Frown* If you need to, lay your head on my shoulder. Talk to me!
*Green Smiley* Now, tell me what's wrong...
*Red Frown* It's okay. Lean on me! Tell me your problems!
Barbara Jo: Thanks, Larry, but I so do not wanna talk about it, right now...
and, no offense, Larry, but especially not with you...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Check this out, I stole it from the children's rec center...
*Red Frown* Well, maybe you'll talk to me if I had a friendly colorful hand
puppet that spoke with a cute high-pitched voice. Well, looky here!
*Green Smiley* Well, if you don't want to talk to me, maybe you'll feel more
comfortable talking to my friend, here. Timmy the Turtle!
(He pulls out a puppet of Timmy the Turtle.)
Timmy:
*Red Devil* Timmy can tell by the look in your eyes. You need it real bad!
*Red Devil* Hmm, Barbara Jo. You're lookin' all hot and bothered!
*Green Smiley* Hey, Barbara Jo! You look sad!
*Red Devil* That makes Timmy horny...
*Green Smiley* Ohhh, that makes Timmy sad. What's wrong, Barbara Jo?
*Red Devil* Why don't you bend over and Timmy will make it allll better!
Barbara Jo: Ugh. You cannot be serious...
Timmy:
*Green Smiley* It's time to accept your feelings. Say to yourself...
*Red Devil* I know what you're thinking...
*Red Devil* I look in your eyes, and they're saying to me...
*Red Lips* "I want Larry! I need Larry! I must have him now!"
*Red Devil* "I want Larry! I need him! I need him inside me!"
*Green Smiley* "I am sad. I am frightened. I am angry!"
*Green Smiley* It's all right to have feelings. We all have feelings! Even
turtles...
*Red Frown* All this is normal. We all must learn how to deal with these
feelings. This is part of growing up!
*Red Frown* Now, stop. Count to ten. Take a deeep breath (breathes) or
walk away until you've calmed down...
Barbara Jo: Yeah, "Timmy". Whatever...
(Larry pulls another puppet out, this one, Rhonda the Rabbit.)
Rhonda:
*Red Devil* Barbara Jo is such a bitch!
*Green Smiley* I don't know Timmy. Barbara Jo still looks sad!
*Red Wang* Barbara Jo is one horny cockslut!
Timmy:
*Red Devil* That's the way I like 'em!
*Green Smiley* She sure is, Rhonda!
*Red Devil* Just like your mother!
Rhonda:
*Red Frown* Maybe she could use a story to get her warmed up!
*Green Smiley* Y'know what helps me when I feel that way? A story!
*Red Devil* Hey! We could read her a story from Penthouse Forum!
Timmy:
*Green Smiley* Gee, Rhonda. That's a super idea!
*Red Devil* That's the dirty girl I married!
*Red Devil* If I was anything else, I'd be the water in your bath!
Barbara Jo: Oooo! A story! Fun!
Timmy:
*Green Smiley* Hey, Rhonda! You look sad! What's wrong?
*Red Devil* Mmm, mmm, Rhonda! Lookin' good! What's happenin'?
*Red Devil* I can tell by lookin' at you, you need it reaaaal bad. What's
your story?
Rhonda:
*Red Wang* I caught Eunice playing with Max's magic stick!
*Green Smiley* Yesterday on the playground, Max was playing Magic Sticks with
Eunice!
*Red Wang* I saw Max takin' out his magic sticks for Eunice!
Timmy:
*Red Devil* That low-down, no-good, two-timing dog! But hey!
*Red Frown* Can you blame him? Have you ever seen Eunice?
*Green Smiley* That doesn't sound so bad, Rhonda...
Barbara Jo: Oh my God! I used to totally play that game! Magic Sticks was,
like, so fun!
Rhonda:
*Red Devil* But Max is my one and only!
*Red Devil* But Max is my man!
*Green Smiley* But Max is my friend!
Timmy:
*Green Smiley* Well, I could be your friend, too, Rhonda!
*Red Devil* I wanna be more than a friend, mama!
*Red Devil* I'm gonna be the best friend you ever had, bitch!
*Red Lips* Why don't you come and have a lick on my titty!
*Green Smiley* Then we can play Magic Sticks!
*Red Devil* I'm gonna make you climb the walls!
Rhonda:
*Red Cuffs* Will you tie me up and blindfold me?
*Red Devil* Can you give it to me rough?
*Green Smiley* Really? You'd be my friend?
Timmy:
*Red Devil* I'll do anything you desire, Barbara Jo...
*Green Smiley* Of course, Barbara J-- er, Rhonda!
*Red Devil* I like you, Barbara Jo...
Rhonda:
*Red Devil* Yippy skippy! Let's do it!
*Red Devil* Yeah! Let's go!
*Green Smiley* Neat-o! That sounds like fun!
*Red Devil* Larry, should we go ask a teacher for sticks?
*Red Devil* But, Larry, we need sticks!
*Green Smiley* But, La-- er, Timmy. Where are we going to find sticks?
Timmy (player voice):
*Red Wang* I got a magic stick in my pants, oh yeah...
*Red Wang* I got your magic stick, right here, baby...
*Green Smiley* I got the only magic stick you need, right here, baby...
Barbara Jo:
*Success* Hey! That's not how you play Magic Sticks! But... you've got me
so excited... I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it! Oh, hurry
Larry, hurry!
Pants: Bingo!
Barbara Jo: Let's play some Quarters!
Timmy and Rhonda (together?): Quarters?!
*Failure 1* Um, I think I'll leave you three alone...
*Failure 2* Larry, you are such a freak!
Ah, the lure of the knockout college professor. Beatrice is in charge of the
Human Sexuality course on campus. She's a working woman, though, so it'll
take quite a bit to convince her of a little extra credit...
============
5A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry approaches Beatrice in her office.)
Beatrice: Yes, Larry?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Uh, Professor Robensenito, it's this test we just had. I can
really use a passing grade...
*Red Brain* Well, my therapist says it's best I confront you face to face
with this.
*Red Frown* Y'know, you'd be pretty hot if you lost the glasses. Maybe a few
pounds. Just my opinion. Anyway...
*Green Smiley* Did you know I've been in college for seven years?
*Red Drunk Face* Now I've had six, seven, cocktails...
*Red Frown* I've already masturbated, oh, six, seven times today...
*Red Frown* All right, more than that...
*Green Smiley* Actually, I'm not really sure anymore. I kinda lost count.
*Red Frown* Give or take a few zeros...
Beatrice: And your point being? Larry, this is your fifth semester of
"Human Sexuality" in two years, and while I admit I find your presence in
class amusing, I'm beginning to think you're failing this course on purpose.
What, if anything, have you learned, this semester?
Larry:
*Red Condom* The only thing I remember was you putting the condom on the
cucumber.
*Green Smiley* I liked it when you put the condom on the cucumber!
*Red Frown* That old Vaudeville routine with the condom on the cucumber!
*Green Smiley* It was funny and informative!
*Red Frown* I sent that footage I taped to America's Funniest Home Videos,
but apparently, if there's not a cat falling off a TV in it, Saget ain't
gonna air it...
*Red Frown* You mind if I steal your act for the school talent show? Oh,
boy, it'll have 'em rollin' in the aisles!
Beatrice: It wasn't supposed to be funny, Larry. May I point out, that you
were the only one that laughed? You laugh every time I use the words
"penis", or "buttocks", or "ejaculate"...
*Red Wang* ...and it definitely gave me a boner!
*Green Smiley* ...and sexy!
*Red Money* ...and, unlike the nudie bar, I didn't have to pay twenty-five
dollars to watch!
Beatrice: (sigh) Larry. I demonstrated placing the condom on the cucumber
in order to teach the class how to prevent...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Prevent eating cucumbers, because... they taste so bad!
*Red Explosion* Did you steal that routine from Gallagher?
*Red Condom* Do they make condoms for carrots, too?
Beatrice: That's very funny, I'm sure. Larry, I'm gonna suggest that perhaps
you take another course to fulfill your science requirement. Might I suggest
"Introduction to the Honeybee and Beekeeping", or "Poultry Seminar", or
"Insects and People".
Larry:
*Red Boobs* Are there boobies in the textbooks for those classes, too?
*Green Smiley* Do you teach those classes, too?
*Red Frown* Those classes are about sex, too, right?
Beatrice: (sigh) No, Larry, those courses are taught by the director of
the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, Professor Corey.
Larry:
*Red Frown* Since it's pretty obvious I'm getting nowhere with you, do you
think Professor Corey will go for me?
*Green Smiley* Is she as pretty as you?
*Red Boobs* Are Professor Corey's boobies as big as yours?
Beatrice: Professor Corey is sixty-three years old, Larry, and HE is
married, as am I!
*Red Frown* Wow! I thought you were fifty-seven, tops!
*Green Smiley* You're sixty-three years old?
*Red Frown* That's okay! You still look good, for your age!
Beatrice:
*Success* What?! No, I'm not sixty-three years old! (sigh) Now, listen
Larry, it's become abundantly clear to me that I'm not going to rid myself
of you anytime soon. So, perhaps you could assist me in the lab for some
extra credit. Let's see if we can boost that grade to a solid D minus.
Whaddaya say? You can start by feeding the monkeys. They're in the other
room.
*Failure 1* Larry, if you don't mind, I have a lot of work to attend to.
*Failure 2* Larry, if you'd like to set up a meeting, would you please sign
your name on the list taped up to my door, as I've instructed the class to
do on numerous occasions this semester?
============
5B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry and Beatrice are in the lab. Leopold is in his cage, stroking away.)
Beatrice: Hello, Larry, and how are you and Leopold getting along?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Just fine, I guess...
*Red Frown* Man, look at him go!
*Red Frown* Leopold! Oh, man, and I thought I masturbated a lot!
Beatrice: Thaaaat's great. Just great. (phone rings) Oh, if you'll excuse
me, Larry, I've got a phone call from my husband. (picks up phone) Hello,
honey! .... What? .... Her!? .... No! You can't do this to me! I... hope
you get anally fisted by a gorilla, you bastard! (hangs up)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Well, sounds like you're on the market again...
*Green Smiley* Whoa... You really gave it to him!
*Red Frown* What's got your panties in a twist, now?
Beatrice: (sobs) What's with you men? What do we have to do, to please you?
Larry:
*Red Frown* You just need to sex it up a little bit, y'know? Maybe undo a
button on your blouse, or get a new haircut!
*Red Dildo* Well, when the romance heads south, there's no problem a little
role-playing and a twelve-inch dildo can't solve...
*Green Smiley* Well, I've always liked strawberry topping...
Beatrice: Larry, listen to me! I've put nine long years of my life into this
relationship, and that son of a bitch up and leaves for that FAT WHORE!!
who works at Kenny's Shoes! I'm thirty-six years old, I want a child, Larry,
a child!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Might wanna prepare yourself...
*Red Frown* Well, okay! You wanna do this right here?
*Green Smiley* Well, that's my cue...
Beatrice: Oh, dear God....... (faints)
Leopold (from his cage): Ah, my time to strike has arrived! She is sensitive!
She is vulnerable! Now, the flowers and fruits of love shall ripen and
bloom! She shall be my bride!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Uh, what was that, Professor Robensenito?
*Red Frown* So, are we just gonna do this on the floor?
*Red Frown* Yes, it is magnificent, isn't it...
Leopold: Oh, NO! The boy understands!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Tired you already, did I?
*Green Smiley* Understands what?
*Red Frown* This isn't very romantic...
Leopold: Turn around, you fool! Face me!
Larry:
*Red Drunk Face* Okay, it's definitely time I stopped drinking paint...
*Green Smiley* Where's that voice coming from?
*Red Ape-man* Charlton Heston was right!
Leopold: You will never have her! Five years I've waited patiently! Rosebud
lips. And eyes like airbells bathed in dew! Cheek, that with carnish
envibes! The music breathing from her face! Oh, how it makes my heart run
wild!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yeah, get in line, pal...
*Green Smiley* You really love her, don't you?
*Red Frown* Sorry, man, I don't think she's into guys...
Leopold: I want to inspire lust in that beautiful complex woman, exploring
the sacred mysteries of her body! Oh, she will kneel on bended knee, and
behold the majesty of my stiff ramrod, jutting from my over-bountious
balls! And she will take it with firm hand, and stroke, and stroke, until
I unload a glut of hot, spewmy seed all over her!
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* Heheh. You talk even funnier than the Professor!
*Green Smiley* Eww, that sounds gross.
*Red Frown* You, uh, paint quite the picture...
*Red Frown* What, you've been readin' Penthouse forum, haven't you...
*Green Smiley* Seriously, man. I don't think she's gonna go for it.
*Red Frown* There's a future for you in erotic literature...
Leopold: Ah, you young bucks are so full of beef, beer, and lust. What do
you know of love?
Larry:
*Red Rat* Well, I had a brief tour de faire with a marsupial mole, so I know
that...
*Green Smiley* Take it from a man who's experienced this firsthand...
*Red Frown* After me and Artemus the Tortiose broke off our engagement, I
learned that...
*Red Frown* ...you can get gonorrhea from just about anything, man or animal.
*Green Smiley* ...these interspecies relationships never work out.
*Red Frown* ...contrary to popular belief, you will not produce some sort of
hybrid offspring!
*Red Frown* You just end up with a plasty criminal felony on your record and a
five thousand dollar fine...
*Green Smiley* You just end up with a head-full of lice, and a severe case
of scabies.
*Red Frown* It just ends up being circulated around various sexually deviant
newsgroups.
Leopold:
*Success* Yes, yes. I'm afraid you're right, old chap... A mighty pain to
love, it is! But, perhaps you could be the vessel from which my love finds
expression... Together, we will form one mighty hero of romance! What do
you say?
Larry: I like it!
Leopold: Yes, yes! Release me, and we shall partake in drink and
merriment and celebration of our new friendship!
*Failure 1* Please. Leave me to my darkest cavern of loneliness!
*Failure 2* Ah... Heaven hears, but pities hapless men like me not!
Larr-opold:
*Red Frown* What are you doing, boy?
*Red Frown* Don't! Don't do that!
*Green Smiley* I say, old boy. Stop that at once!
Leo-rry: (stroking self): Ah, yes. Ohhhhh yes...
Larr-opold:
*Red Wang* You are abusing my penis!
*Red Frown* Cease this uncouth behavior now!
*Green Smiley* Stop it! Stop it at once, I say!
Beatrice: Larry? You're making him upset! I try to encourage Leopold's
autoerotic activities. It's a perfectly natural function of a Colubus his
age, weight, and determination.
Larr-opold:
*Green Smiley* Oh, uh, Professor Robensenito!
*Red Frown* Oh, my beautiful woman...
*Red Frown* Oh, my sugar plum dumpling!
*Red Angry Face* I do need to learn how to control this temper of mine...
*Red Frown* My mistake! My mistake!
*Green Smiley* Of course, my dear, I do apologize!
*Green Smiley* Heh. These monkeys. They're stupid as dried mud...
*Red Poo* Monkeys (ahem) they eat their own poopoo, you know...
*Red Frown* In the jungle, there is no shame in public masturbation!
*Red Devil* Those... kinky little chaps...
*Red Frown* Oh, they rather enjoy it, I should think...
*Green Smiley* They don't know any better...
*Green Smiley* He smells something awful, too, doesn't he?
*Red Butt* His ass is rather swollen, too, isn't it?
*Red Cheese* And somebody should do something about his breath, too,
shouldn't they?
*Green Smiley* Ah, what a fine thing it is to be a human, don't you agree?
*Red Cheese* I think I should try one of those, what do you humans call
them, cheese...burgers?
*Red Foot* I must say, I find those shoes you humans wear quite restrictive.
Beatrice: Larry, what are you talking about?
Larr-opold:
*Red Frown* Yes! Us humans will someday rule the world!
*Green Smiley* Yes! Us humans are surely the crown of creation!
*Red Frown* Yes! Nothing can stop the human race, now!
Leo-rry: Professor Robensenito! It's me, Larry! I'm in the cage!
Larr-opold:
*Red Frown* All things bright and beautiful...
*Green Smiley* Oh, Beatrice...
*Red Frown* My one and only reason for being...
*Red Frown* We shall travel to the magic city of Tampa, Florida, and seek the
fabled Busch Gardens!
*Green Smiley* We shall steal away to my kingdom in the heart of the jungle...
*Red Maple Leaf* We shall escape to my simulated wildlife habitat in the
Saskatoon Metro Zoo!
*Red Money* Where we will run a modestly profitable souvenir stand.
*Red Frown* Where we will perform as the most successful interspecies
comedic duo, since Jane Goodall and Flo...
*Green Smiley* Amongst the flowering caso vines and towering mangroves!
Leo-rry: Professor Robensenito! You gotta help me! Activate the brain-
exchanging machine!
Larr-opold:
*Red Frown* And after I come back tired from another day at the factory...
*Green Smiley* And mid-morning, the sun with all of its beams full dazzling!
*Red Frown* And we will live on the road, driving my eighteen-wheeler, from
Botswana to Togo, stopping at remote rest stops, where...
*Red Splat* I will lay thee down, thrust thrice, and fill you with my seed!
*Green Smiley* ...and I shall groom my queen high in the canopy, with gentle
fingers exploring, removing every tick and parasite!
*Red Poo* ...I will throw my own poopoo at unsuspecting tourists!
Beatrice: Larry? What on earth are you babbling on about?
Leo-rry: Professor Robensenito, can you understand me? You are in grave
danger! The monkey has gained control of my body! He's using it to...
Larr-opold:
*Red Frown* Shut your festering gob, ya tit!
*Green Smiley* Quiet, you!
*Red Frown* Pipe down, man!
Leo-rry: You'll never get away with this, monkey!
Larr-opold:
*Red Frown* Too late, my evolutionary challenged friend...
*Green Smiley* Oh, well it seems I already have, doesn't it?
*Red Frown* Who has the opposable thumbs, now, my good man?
*Red Frown* Not a peep out of you...
*Green Smiley* Now, keep your mouth shut!
*Red Frown* Now be a good little monkey...
*Red Frown* Or no bananas for you...
*Red Boobs* Or I will remove the pinups you so enjoy!
*Green Smiley* Or I shall give you a most thorough thrashing!
*Success*
Beatrice: Larry, please try not to upset him. He's an innocent primate!
Larr-opold: Innocent? You think he's never known desire? Passion? Never
looked longingly at you and wanted nothing more than to take his prong in
hand, and plumb your overheated creamy crim? Filling your musky little
honeypot with my spunk?
*Failure 1*
Larr-opold: Machines! Effects! Fading! Brain returning to my former
primitive... narul... shell!
Leo-rry: Whohohoaaa...
This mocha beauty has stars in her eyes, and not much else on her mind.
Maybe you can employ this "weakness" to your advantage, as long as she buys
your connection to a studio...
============
6A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry approaches Bilzarbra at the Plaid Mart.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hello... Uh. You sure have a lot of movies, there...
*Red Boobs* Hello, uh, I noticed you have fake boobs, there. Those are nice,
huh? Heheh...
*Red Frown* Hello... You're a waitress, huh? ... Bet that sucks... Um...
yeah...
*Green Smiley* You, uh, you must like movies!
*Red Lips* Y'know, I always have popcorn when I rent movies. Do you, uh,
like popcorn?
*Red Frown* Do you, uh, like this store? I mean, uh, I practically live
here!
Roadhouse Rumble Machine: Ooooo... Good opener... Now, ask her if she likes
oxygen...
Larry (to machine):
*Red Angry Face* Whatever! I wasn't asking you!
*Green Smiley* Hey! No one is asking you, all right?
*Red Frown* Back off, video game! I saw her first!
Bilzarbra: Um, I don't think it was talking to you. I think it just kinda
does that thing on its own...
Larry (to Bilzarbra):
*Red Explosion* Oh, that video game is gonna catch me on the wrong day
one time, and I am gonna explode!
*Red Angry Face* Bullcrap! That game's had it in for me from day one!
*Green Smiley* Heheh, yeah. You're probably right...
*Red Frown* Sorry... (to machine) I'll deal with you later. (to Bilzarbra)
My name is Larry, Larry--
*Green Smiley* Sorry... My name's Larry, Larry--
*Red Frown* I, I'm sorry. That thing makes me a little nervous, I guess.
I'm Larry, Larry Lov--
RR Machine: My name is Larry! I stand by the magazine rack and comb through
issues of Outlaw Biker, just to see titties! Nyeeee!
Larry (to machine):
*Red Tombstone* Oh, you are dead! DEAD! That's it! It's all over!
*Red Frown* All right, that's it! Me and you, outside, right now!
*Green Smiley* Dammit! That is enough!
*Red Butt* One good old-fashioned ass-whoopin' comin' right up!
*Red Angry Face* You've just unleashed a monster, pal!
*Green Smiley* I am sick of your crap, video game!
*Red Tent* This place was like a second home to me before you showed up!
*Green Smiley* This place was great 'til you came along!
*Red Frown* To think Sweet Lou got rid of Elvira and the Party Monsters for
you?
*Green Smiley* I'll be damned if I let you make a fool outta me in front of
a chick!
*Red Frown* I'm gonna wipe that smug grin off your... your... aw, you know
what I mean!
*Red Angry Face* One more word. Just one more word, I dare ya! I double dare
ya!
RR Machine: Oooo! Big man! Why don't you grab a quarter and step right
up? I'll even let you take the first swing!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* So, help me, I will take a sledgehammer to you if it's the
last thing I do!
*Red Frown* You stand for everyone and everything I hate about this world!
*Red Frown* I can stand being treated like dirt by most people, but I will
NOT be mocked by an inanimate object, ya hear me?
Bilzarbra: Ummm, maybe I should leave you two alone...
Larry (to Bilzarbra):
*Red Frown* Don't move! This isn't over!
*Green Smiley* No! Stay right where you are!
*Red Angry Face* Stay right where you are!
*Red Angry Face* I've backed down from every challenge I've faced in my
life, but not today!
*Green Smiley* This has gone on long enough!
*Red Frown* For once, I'm not gonna run away with my tail between my legs!
*Red Tombstone* When I'm through with you, video game, one of us isn't
leaving this store! Um... You know what I mean!
*Green Smiley* I want someone to witness this!
*Red Frown* This... ends... here!
RR Machine: Ohhh, I've been countin' down the days, brother. Let's tango!
Larry (to machine):
*Green Smiley* Y'know what, video game? I'm not gonna play ya! How 'bout
that, huh? And I'll tell ya another thing!
*Red Frown* All right, video game. You wanna tango? Try tangoing with the
truth!
*Red Frown* You wanna t-t-t-tango, huh? Try this on for size!
*Red Frown* I think you're scared! Scared like a midget in prison!
*Green Smiley* I think you're scared! Yeah, that's right! Scared!
*Red Frown* I think you're s-s-s-s-scared!
RR Machine: Really? Well, lay it on me, brother!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Scared! Because your graphics suck!
*Red Frown* Scared! Because you're 2D!
*Green Smiley* Scared! Because you're one more bad month away from getting
replaced with a gumball machine!
*Red Frown* Scared because you know you'll spend the rest of your life
hanging around second-hand convenience stores, like this one!
*Green Smiley* Scared because you're loosely based on a movie that stopped
being cool in 1983!
*Red Money* I mean, tell me. When's the last time a kid bothered Sweet Lou
to break a buck around here, huh? What, maybe 1986?
*Red Money* You couldn't make any money in a laundromat!
*Green Smiley* I mean, really! Nobody likes side-scrollers, anymore! They
suck!
*Red Cheese* I mean, look at you! You've got stains on your screen,
cigarette burns all over the place. You're a damned disgrace!
RR Machine: You shut your mouth!
Larry:
*Red Depressed Face* (sob) That's why you hurt people's feelings!
*Red Frown* (sob) That's why you make a mockery of people's feelings!
*Green Smiley* Yeah, that's why you sit there and terrorize people all day,
huh?
*Red Angry Face* It's clever, I admit: insult people 'til they go berserk
with rage and start playing so they can kick your ass, but I'm onto you,
pal...
*Red Frown* You wouldn't make a penny if people didn't wanna beat the crap
outta ya!
*Green Smiley* If you didn't, everyone would ignore you...
*Red Frown* One word, pal... Tekken!
*Green Smiley* You try to make people feel miserable, because that's how
YOU feel!
*Red Frown* I used to be scared of you, now I just think you're pathetic...
RR Machine: Oh, I like you, brother. Oh yeah... I had you pegged all
wrong, kid. Not afraid to tell the truth, huh? I'm gonna be keepin' an
eye on you...
Sweet Lou: Goddammit, Larry. I ain't gonna tell you again to leave my
customers alone! You let that girl rent her porno and get on outta here!
Bilzarbra: Oh, God, you must think I'm the biggest pervert! I'm a Film and
Theater major. I took this class: The Roots of Western Pornography. I'm
supposed to give a presentation tomorrow, and I haven't even started yet!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Ah, "The Roots of Western Pornography". Uh, is this your first
time taking the class? Ohoho... how I envy you!
*Red Frown* Hey, I know that class! I've taken it three times, so far! It
was great!
*Green Smiley* Well, this is your lucky day!'
Bilzarbra: Really? Hey, maybe you can tell me if these pornos are any good!
Larry:
*Red Butt* "Scent of a Woman's Ass" is Eastern European, so, most of the
dirty talk is dubbed. Kinda loses it for me...
*Red Frown* "Anal-yze This" is okay. I've just never been a big fan of Stu
Bone.
*Green Smiley* Hmm... "Lawrence of My-Lady-a" is pretty good, but Sabatha
Stevens keeps laughing at the camera while JJ Strokes gives it to her from
behind. It's kind of annoying...
*Red Splat* "The Jizz Singer" is a classic!
*Red Butt* Oh, wow! "Terms of En-rear-ment" is one of my favorites! I
actually own this one!
*Green Smiley* Oooo, "My Big Fat Greek Whore" is a good one...
*Red Splat* "Bukkake to the Future" is fun. Oswald Face does a great job
MC'ing this one. Really keeps things movin'.
*Green Smiley* "Bridge on the River Kum" is pretty decent. There's some
pretty interesting behind the scenes stories about it, also...
*Red Frown* Oooo, "Schindler's Fist"... I'd stay away from this one if you're
at all squeamish, y'know? Definitely not for novices...
*Red Frown* Y'know, it'd be crazy for you not to let me help you with your
report. Why, I've watched more porn than just about anyone, whaddaya say?
*Green Smiley* Y'know, if you like, we could talk more, maybe over a drink?
*Red Frown* Okay, I'll tell ya what. Why don't you do yourself a favor and
put these back and just interview me for your paper? It'll be a lot faster
than trying to watch all these, and you'll save like fifteen bucks!
Bilzarbra:
*Success* Oh, that'd be a godsend! Thank you so much!
*Failure 1* Thanks, but I gotta lot of porn to watch. I'll be up all night
as it is...
*Failure 2* That's okay. I think I'll just grab a few more movies and head
on home. Thanks for the help.
============
6B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry and Bilzarbra are sitting at a table in the Spartacus.)
Bilzarbra: So, anyway, my acting coach has me taking this workshop. It's
total bullshit, but my parents are paying something like, a thousand dollars
for it...
Larry (inner monologue):
*Green Smiley* She will not shut up!
*Red Frown* Oh, man, we've been here for like three hours, now...
*Red Frown* Could this chick be any more... what's the word here, uh...
boring? Obnoxious?
*Green Smiley* She doesn't even breathe...
*Red Angry Face* Pause... Pause! Shut up!
*Red Frown* Focus, Larry, come on... Make the old eye contact... Nod a
couple times... There ya go...
*Green Smiley* She just keeps talking and talking and talking...
*Red Boobs* Okay, she could at least show SOME cleavage, if she's gonna
talk my ear off!
*Red Angry Face* Stop talking... Stop talking! STOP TALKING!
*Green Smiley* How am I supposed to get her naked and back to my place if I
can't get a rap going?
*Red Frown* Why are hot chicks always such a pain in the ass?
*Red Frown* (sigh) At least she hasn't touched her Banana Streisand. Why
are gay drinks always so expensive?
Bilzarbra (continuing): ...so I go last Thursday, and you'll never guess
who shows up! Hayden... Christensen! Ohh! I almost died right there on
the spot! Did you see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones? He
is such an AMAZING actor! You could...
Larry (inner monologue):
*Red Frown* Oy, yeah, there's another movie star she's met, who cares?!
*Green Smiley* Oy... and the name-dropping...
*Red Alien* Star Wars? What the heck is Star Wars, and what the hell is she
talking about?
*Red Butt* Hayden Christensen? Just the name makes me wanna kick his ass...
*Green Smiley* Who the hell is Hayden Christensen?
*Red Frown* Hayden Christensen... What the hell kinda name is that for a
movie star? Feivish Finkle! Now THAT'S a name!
*Green Smiley* Wait, wasn't he on that Welcome Back, Kotter show?
*Red Japan* Wait a second, did he play the Japanese kid with sunglasses on
Welcome Back, Kotter?
*Red Kotter* Wait a second, did he play that blind transvestite dude on
Welcome Back, Kotter?
*Red Frown* Or was that Anthony Hopkins?
*Green Smiley* Or was that Ron Palilo?
*Red Frown* Or was that Fatty Arbuckle?
*Green Smiley* That doesn't make any sense. Those two names don't sound
anything alike...
*Red Boobs* Wait a second, I'm startin' to lose it. Focus, man! Focus!
Must see her boobies!
*Red Frown* Geez, who cares. Take your clothes off. Take your clothes off!
*Red Kotter* Heh heh, oh God, I love Horshach, though. He's the only
sweathog I could really relate to... Hehehehhe *snort* Hehehe...
*Green Smiley* Yeah... Horshach was such a great sweathog, though, huh?
*Red Kotter* Oh, I love that Horshach, though. He sure gave that Principal
Woodman all he can handle!
*Green Smiley* "Ooo! Ooo ooo! Mistah Kottah! Mistah Kottah!"
*Red Kotter* Wwwait, a second, I got it! Hor...shach... That's it! That's
what I'll call my strip club! Arnold's Horshach!
*Red Brain* Ah... I'm losing my mind...
Bilzarbra (continuing): ...and he is such a great leading man! Those scenes
with...
Larry (inner monologue):
*Red Boobs* Oh, man.... Check out those funbags...
*Red Balls* Man, oh man, check out the wading balls on this broad...
*Green Smiley* Oh, my goodness. Look at those headlights...
*Red Frown* Wow, are those real fake breasts, or are they fake fake breasts?
Y'know, like with pads and tissues and bubble wrap and stuff?
*Green Smiley* Are those real fake breasts, or are they fake fake breasts?
Like one of those Wonderbras?
*Red Frown* Are those real fake breasts, or are they fake fake breasts? Like
one of those pushup bras with the underwire frame and just the faintest
scent of vanilla aroma dyed into the fabric...
*Red Frown* Oh, man, so what? They could look like cucumbers for all I care!
*Red Wang* What am I, crazy? Who cares what she's artifically enhancing?
Especially the penis. Count me in!
*Green Smiley* Like it really matters...
*Green Smiley* I'll bet she has nipples like Crunch Berries...
*Red Frown* Man, I'd love to get my blood slug between those Crunch Berries...
*Red Lobster Claw* Oh, would I like to get my clam hammer between her
Crunch Berries!
*Green Smiley* Hmmm... Crunch Berries. Do they still make the cereal that's
made of all Crunch Berries?
*Red Butt* Mmmm... Crunch Berries... I wonder if you can have a Crunch Berry
enema?
*Red Pirate Hat* Heheheh... Crunch Berry Island! Arrr!
*Green Smiley* That's weird...
*Red Frown* Now, that's awesome!
*Red Frown* Man, I need to get laid!
Bilzarbra (continuing): ...so then Hayden says to me, "Why don't YOU choose
the scene?" in his really SEXY voice, and he smirks at me! Just like he...
Larry (inner monologue, in his own world, beeping in background):
*Red Frown* "Well, Larry, we've run some tests, and, I'm afraid the model
you were with last night is correct..."
*Red Balls* "Well, Larry. Your baseball coach is correct..."
*Green Smiley* "Well, Larry. Nurse Electra's and Nurse Kournikova's tests are
indeed conclusive..."
*Red Frown* "Your man-cannon has grown to monster proportions! Seemingly
overnight..."
*Red Ruler* "Your John Thomas has nearly quadrupled in size.
Congratulations!"
*Green Smiley* "Your penis has grown in both length and girth, seemingly
overnight!"
*Red Ruler* "It's about a foot and a half now, and weighs nearly six pounds."
*Green Smiley* "It's about nine inches now, and I expect it to hold steady."
*Red Frown* "Well, Larry, I've looked through all my medical textbooks.
You'll be happy to know you own one of the largest cocks known to science..."
*Red Lips* "You'll need to several orgasms a day for the first few months or
so, or until the adjustment is final, so I'm gonna refer you to a blowjob
specialist..."
*Green Smiley* "Not to worry. The growth is permanent! But it's quite
common, and as a matter of fact, enjoyable!"
*Red Frown* "Symptoms include frequent sexual encounters with several
different partners, often at the same time."
*Red Frown* "Oh. Several pornographers are waiting for you in a limousine
outside. I'm guessing you'll have a lot to talk to them about..."
*Green Smiley* "Oh, a few of the nurses have asked that you call them after
hours. Here are their numbers."
*Red Frown* "Oh, and uh, one more thing? I was actually hoping you could
come by this evening and make love to my wife. If...if it's okay with you,
I'd like to watch from a closet."
(beeping stops)
Bilzarbra (continuing): ...so, so I pick this scene from Batman and Robin
because Alicia Silverstone is, like, my idol, and of course, Hayden played
George Clooney, and oh, I think he'd me just perfect for Batman in the next
sequel...
Larry (inner monologue):
*Green Smiley* Think think! How am I gonna see this girl naked? Money...
no...
*Red Money* All right, think think! How'm I gonna get belly to belly with
this babe? Cash! Na...
*Red Frown* Think think think! What will make this girl want to take her
clothes off with me watching and not wanna press charges? Begging! No...
*Red Frown* Low success rate, outside adult movie theaters...
*Red Frown* Low success rate, outside of massage parlors...
*Green Smiley* Low success rate, outside of strip clubs...
*Green Smiley* Save her life! Yes, perfect! From what, though?
*Red Frown* Aha, save her life! Works for firemen and lion tamers, why not
me?
*Red Frown* Save her life, perfect! I've had nothing but good luck with
that scheme!
*Red Frown* Praying mantis attack! Nah, too stupid...
*Red Explosion* Earthquake! Nah, too predictable...
*Green Smiley* Riverboat fire? Nah, too dangerous...
*Green Smiley* Ghost pirates! Not bad!
*Red Frown* Birdmen! Weird, but believable!
*Red Pirate Hat* Robot pirates! A little sci-fi, but what the hell?
*Green Smiley* Let's see. I need some rope, a blanket, a smoke machine...
*Red Frown* Let's see. I'll need some kerosene, fabric softener, and
something she's allergic to...
*Red Frown* Let's see. I'll need some sauerkraut, a fake mustache... I'll
have to rent a cathedral...
Bilzarbra (continuing): ...so, afterward we all got to sit around and ask
Hayden questions, you know about him and his future after Star Wars, and
all of a sudden...
Larry (inner monologue):
*Red Frown* This girl has got to do a porno... Hoo... Can't get too excited,
I'm gonna have to walk around, soon...
*Green Smiley* Aw, man, this girl's got to do a nude scene in a movie,
someday...
*Red Frown* Aw, geez, she's gotta do the Playboy Channel, or the Spice
Channel, or Cinemax, or that Spanish Channel that sometimes shows boobies,
anything!
*Red Frown* Hold on a sec, there, Slappy. What'd you just say?
*Green Smiley* Wait a second, what'd you say?
*Red Frown* Whoa whoa whoa. Hold on a sec there, Otis. What'd you just say?
*Red Kotter* What, about Welcome Back, Kotter?
*Green Smiley* What, about pirates?
*Red Alien* What, about Hayden Christensen?
*Green Smiley* No, dumbass! About her gettin' naked on film! Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?
*Red Frown* Oh my gosh, I can't believe this. Please tell my you're thinking
what I'm thinking!
*Red Frown* Unbelievable. Please tell me you're thinking what I'm thinking,
please, I need to hear it, I really do!
*Red Frown* Are you thinking about ham? 'Cause that would be SO WEIRD!!
*Red Frown* Of course I am, I mean, I'm... we're... the sa... the same, I'm
sorry, I wasn't listening, what's going on?
*Green Smiley* Of course I'm thinking what you're thinking. We're the same
person! Aren't we?
Bilzarbra: Larry! I asked you a question!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, uh, actually, I'm a uh, uh, screenwriter, and uh, I think
you'd be perfect for a film I'm trying to get off the ground!
*Red Frown* Me? Oh, uh, casting director. Yep. Definitely a casting
director. Looking for... talent! For a new documentary being filmed here
in Walnut Log!
*Red Hick Face* Me? Oh, uh, film producer. I work for a subsidiary of
Vivendi Universal right now, but uh, you know, that's just temporary...
*Red Frown* How 'bout we go back to my place? We'll get some candles, some
wine. Make an audition out of it, huh?
*Green Smiley* How would you like an audition, huh?
*Red Frown* All right, so if I give you an audition, will you please stop
talking?
Bilzarbra:
*Success* Oh my God! I just knew it! This is sooo for-tu-nay-e-tus! I was
just about to pick up some new headshots on my way home! You should come by
and take one from me! Get to the Art Gallery as soon as you can. It'll
only take me a few minutes to get my photos!
*Failure 1* (sigh) Why is it men have to dominate every conversation? So,
anyway, then Hayden says "WHOOOSE SANDWICH IS THIS???" and so I said...
*Failure 2* God! Did you even listen to a single word I said? Ugh, never
mind. Just forget it...
============
6C. Chat 3 =
============
(Larry and Bilzarbra are in his room, looking over his porn script.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Okay, so I thought I'd have you read the part of Nurse #3...
*Red Frown* Okay. I thought I'd have you read for Hannah Jobs, a student
nurse who works at the hospital.
*Red Frown* Okay, so uh, I thought I'd have you read the part of Nurse
Barrymore.
*Green Smiley* She actually has one of the largest speaking roles in the
whole movie!
*Red Boobs* She actually has the largest pair of jugs in the movie, so I
thought you'd be perfect!
*Red Butt* Now, you've got a little more booty than I originally envisioned
for her, but you might be able to pull it off.
*Green Smiley* All right, now if you'll just turn towards the end of the
script there... uh, page seven...
*Red Frown* All right, character: young, attractive, naive, but with strong
mid-western sensibilities. Nice girl. Very much a slut...
*Red Frown* All right, now remember: your character has been infected with a
sex virus and the whole hospital has been quarantined! That's your
motivation!
Bilzarbra: Okaaay...
Larry:
*Red Frown* I'll be reading the role of a patient of yours, Donald Sherwood...
*Green Smiley* Now, I'll be reading the role of Patient #2...
*Red Wang* I'll be reading the role of a patient of yours, Dick Fillsmore...
*Red Frown* Which, by total coincidence, will most likely be played by
Hayden Christensen...
*Green Smiley* Which, as I mentioned before, will most likely be played by
Hayden Christensen...
*Red Frown* (sarcastic) Which, as I mentioned before, will most likely be
played by Hayden Christensen and oh boy, aren't we lucky to have him...
*Green Smiley* So, for the rest of the audition, just do your best to imagine
me as Hayden Christensen...
*Red Frown* So regardless of what happens or to whom, just do your best to
imagine me as Hayden Christensen...
*Red Frown* So regardless of how passionate and intense things get from here
on out, just do your best to imagine me as Hayden Christensen...
*Red Frown* Matter of fact, I'd just like you to go ahead and project all
the feelings and emotions you have for Hayden directly to me! From now on,
I am Hayden... Christensen...
*Green Smiley* From now until the time you leave this room, actually, I'd
like you to look at me and see ONLY... Hayden Christensen...
*Red Frown* From now until you leave in the morning, I'd like you to look at
me and see ONLY... Hayden Christensen...
*Green Smiley* Who I hear is pretty amazing in the sack, by the way. Okay!
Let's begin!
*Red Ruler* Who I hear is pretty well-endowed, by the way. Okay! Let's
begin!
*Red Lips* Who I hear is pretty darn good at oral, by the way. Okay! Let's
begin!
Bilzarbra (reading, badly): This is the worst case of blueballs I have ever
seen as a registered sex nurse! We need to relieve this pressure, stat!
Nurse Schlonghandler, this patient has a large round head! According to
medical science, this suggests he has a really big penis! We will need to
massage it in unison!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Nice, nice. Now, try to rrrroll the "Rrrrr"'s, if you can, but
I like what you're doing...
*Red Frown* Okay, a little rough, but it'll do!
*Green Smiley* Okay, good, excellent!
*Red Frown* Okay, so that takes us directly to the scene where you find out
that you're sisters, and a struggle takes place!
*Green Smiley* Uh, that takes us directly to the catfight scene...
*Red Dildo* Okay, so Nurse Schlonghandler, driven mad by the sex virus, comes
at you with a strap-on, and there's a struggle!
*Green Smiley* In which the two of you roll around on the ground, frantically,
tearing off each other's clothes!
*Red Frown* During which, lesbianism ensues for about three-hundred, no, let's
make that nine-hundred frames!
*Red Splat* During which, the two of you fall into the Mr. Turtle pool full of
chocolate syrup! Hahaha... when did I add that? Gosh, that's gonna be fun!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Your opponent collapses, after having too many multiple orgasms,
leaving you free to approach the patient by yourself, and...
*Green Smiley* You emerge the victor, approach my bed, and then...
*Red Frown* (reading) No! Please! You don't understand! I can't...
become... erect!
Bilzarbra (continues reading): This man only has minutes to live! Looks like
I'll have to handle all fifteen inches of peen by myself!
*Red Brain* My tummy sausage... it has a mind of its own! I can't control
it! It's too powerful! It's too powerful for any one woman, agggh!
*Red Note* My solid foot of meat-flute is too impressive for any one woman!
*Green Smiley* My engorged man-shaft is too big for any one nurse!
Bilzarbra (reading): This is a rock-hard glistening mega-boner to be sure.
However, I took an oath: an oath that promised to help of those I served
would be my first and only priority, that I would not permit considerations
of religion, nationality, race, politics, or shaft size to intervene between
my duty and my patient (slightly breaking character) even if they have back
hair? (stops reading) What is this, Larry?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Excellent! Okay! Wow! Great stuff!
*Red Frown* Not bad, kid. A little more emphasis on "mega-boner", but not
bad!
*Red Frown* Not bad. Try to look a little less disgusted, though. Y'know?
You gotta sell it, y'know what I mean? Sell it, with your body!
*Red Lips* All right! Blowjob time! Let's get you a pillow!
*Red Frown* Well, I don't know about you, but I feel like we've been
auditioning for hours... How 'bout a champagne break?
*Green Smiley* So, moving on...
(knock on Larry's door)
Larry:
*Red Money* What, again? Man, if bail bondsman don't trust you to show up
for trial, then they shouldn't loan you the money in the first place! Hang
on...
*Green Smiley* Oh, man, who could that be?
*Red Frown* Hang on! It's probably just the hall director...
*Red Frown* I said I'm not moving, do you hear me? I'll see you in court!
*Green Smiley* Go away, please!
*Red Frown* Go away! I'm naked!
(The RR Machine enters the room.)
RR Machine: Hey, pal! Heard you were havin' a party! Thought I'd stop by,
bring over a twelve-pack! Hey, how you doin' baby?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Holy buckets!
*Red Frown* What the crap?
*Red Frown* What the crap is this?
*Red Frown* Does someone wanna explain to me how you're not at Plaid Mart,
right now?
*Green Smiley* How the heck did you get up here?
*Red Frown* It walks, now? Gimme a break! How the hell did you get up here?
RR Machine: Three hundred and sixteen extension cords! Most of them stolen!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* That's it... I give up...
*Red Frown* That's it!
*Red Frown* Of course, I shoulda known!
*Red Sombrero* Aw, man, screw this! I'm gettin' tacos!
*Green Smiley* I'm outta here...
*Red Frown* (sigh) Why do I even try, huh? Someone wanna answer that for me?
Huh? Anyone?
RR Machine: Hey, I thought you got eyes for watchin' skin flicks, brother!
What gives, huh? Hey, who wants a beer?
Bilzarbra:
*Success* Ooohh, Larry! This will give us the perfect opportunity to
practice the scene in front of an audience! Y'know, so we can get objective
feedback! This is so exciting!
*Failure 1* Ugh, I hate video games! Gimme a call when he's gone, and we'll
hook up again!
*Failure 2*
******************************************************************************
7. CHARLOTTE
******************************************************************************
This woman has an opinion, and isn't afraid to express it. I honestly don't
know what Larry sees in her, apart from her sweater puppies. Girls like her
usually have sex as the last thing on their mind, but hey, any port in a
storm...
============
7A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry approaches Charlotte on campus.)
Charlotte: C'mon, people! They're fliers, for God's sake, just take one!
What in the hell's wrong with you people? Is there anyone on this campus
who cares about anything?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Wanna do a little something for the whales, tonight?
*Green Smiley* Pardon me, are you interested in help saving the whales?
*Red Frown* Want to, uh, help a whale in captivity?
*Red Frown* How 'bout a "HUMPBACK" at my place?
*Green Smiley* How 'bout you come back to my place and help me FREE WILLY!
*Red Frown* 'Cause I got a SPERM WHALE in my pants that needs releasing!
*Green Smiley* Hahahah! Oh, man! One for every situation!
*Red Hick Face* Hahahah! Oh, man! THAT was great!
*Red Frown* Hahahah! Oh, man! THAT is a great line! Wait'll I tell my
uncle!
*Green Smiley* So, what's your name, babe?
*Red Devil* So, what's your name, toots?
*Red Frown* So, what's your handle, mama?
Charlotte: My name is none of your business, and your mockery is neither
appropriate, nor--
(Beazer appears nearby.)
Beazer: Pardon me, ma'am, but I'm gonna have to ask you to disperse from this
area immediately!
Larry:
*Red Angry Face* Hey, excuse me, fatass. The lady and I were talkin'?
*Green Smiley* Uh, Beazer? The lady and I are having a discussion, okay?
*Red Frown* Excuse me! Comb-over? The lady and I were having a discussion!
Beazer: Hey, save that sass for mom and dad back home, Lovage! I'll deal
with you in a minute! Ma'am, I've got direct orders from Assistant Dean
Abrahamson to put a halt to this assembly, immediately!
Charlotte: We are not leaving until Professor Robensenito agrees to have an
open forum with the Students Against the Unethical Treatment of Animals.
This facility--
Larry:
*Red Balls* Balls up, Fred! Check it out!
*Red Frown* That's right, Fred! We're making a stand for healthy, stress-
free, nude recreation, and we're making it now!
*Green Smiley* That's right, Beazer! An 1139! Streaker on campus!
Beazer: Oh, your ass is mine, this time, Lovage! No one makes a fool of
public safety on this campus! I'm making a citizen's arrest right here and
now!
Larry:
*Red Splat* I'm sorry, come again?
*Green Smiley* I'm sorry, what was that?
*Red Frown* What, I'm so sorry, we're you talking just now?
*Red Wang* I was momentarily distracted by the sight of my John Thomas
floating gently against my scrotal sack, in full view of half the campus!
*Green Smiley* Oh, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my own testicles
flapping gently in the breeze in plain view of half the campus, hahaha!
*Red Wang* I couldn't hear you over the sound of my own scrotal hairs
flapping gently in the breeze like so many brightly-colored windsocks at a
child's birthday party!
*Red Wang* Oh, I quite fancy the use of baby powder down there, don't you?
Heat, friction, and sweat are the scrotum's three worst enemies, in my
opinion. What are your thoughts on this matter?
*Green Smiley* I see you staring! Go ahead! Look! There's nothing to be
ashamed of!
*Red Devil* Go ahead, enjoy! Why shouldn't you? You work hard! You're
underappreciated! You deserve to have a good time!
Beazer: I don't... know what you're talking about!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh come on, sure you do! Here! Check it out!
*Red Frown* It's okay, Beazer! You're among friends, here! Just relax and
enjoy. Here, watch this!!
*Red Frown* Hey, it's all right! We've all had feelings for other guys at
one point or another! Why hide it? Why not celebrate it?
*Red Wang* If I move my hips juuuust right, you can really hear it flap!
C'mon, baby, make some noise! Wooba wooba!
*Green Smiley* (singing) I like to shake my nasty! You watch me shake my
nasty! You like me, nasty, nasty!
*Red Wang* If I rotate my hips juuuust so, I can get it to twirl around
really fast, woo! Hahaha! Okay, now, counterclockwise!
Beazer: You knock that off, you little pervert! I will not have you
embarrass me in front of this campus!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* You cuff me, I'll get a hard-on right in front of everybody!
*Red Splat* You touch me, I start masturbating right in front of everybody!
*Red Devil* You touch me, I start dry-humping you right in front of
everybody!
*Red Frown* Trust me! I have no shame, whatsoever!
*Red Frown* I've got nothin' to lose, Beazer! What about you?
*Green Smiley* I swear, I'll do it!
Beazer: Y... you're bluffing!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Believe me, I wish I was...
*Green Smiley* Am I really?
*Red Frown* Ohhh, if it were that simple...
*Red Devil* Enough talk! I'm horny!
*Green Smiley* There's only one way to find out there, sugar lips...
*Red Money* Didn't figure you for a gamblin' man, Beazer, not on your
salary...
*Red Wang* Hold on! What's this? Could I be semi-erect?
*Green Smiley* Oooo! Is that a chub I'm sportin'?
*Red Wang* But, oh, what's this? Blood rushing to my engorged member?
*Red Devil* Or are you just imagining things?
*Green Smiley* Or is it... just a trick of the wind?
*Red Wang* Oh, who knows... Heheh... Even I can't control this thing
sometimes...
Beazer:
*Success* I don't know what you're trying to pull here, Lovage, but this
isn't over! I'll be back!
Charlotte: That was amazing! You were actually willing to go to jail for
my beliefs! Oh my God! Look at all these people! Quick, now's our
chance! Take some fliers and hand them out before they leave! This is
so great!
*Failure 1* Killer Bee to HQ. Killer Bee to HQ. Requesting backup on a
streak in progress. Over.
*Failure 2* I don't know what you're trying to prove here, Lovage, but this
protest is over! C'mon, now, folks, let's move the herd!
============
7B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry and Charlotte are at the Main Campus. Several people are gathered.)
Charlotte: Larry! Great news! A gaggle of people read the flier and
started asking me questions! This is a great opportunity to recruit for
our cause! Now, these people are mostly ignorant cattle, so I'll be more
likely to get through to them, if they hear from one of their own. I want
you to relax and speak straight from the heart. Oh! One more thing! I
wrote a speech for you! Make sure you read it word for word, okay? Good
luck!
Larry (into bullhorn):
*Green Smiley* Ummmm.... hi, everyone?
*Red Frown* Heh... AAAACHOOO!!!
*Red Frown* (ahem) Hey, there, uh, can you hear me?
*Green Smiley* My name is, uh, Larry? And I have something to say!
*Red Egg* What's the deal with eggplants? I mean, they're not eggs, they're
not plants!
*Red Frown* What do they call Monterrey Chicken in Monterrey? Do they just
call it "chicken" or what, huh? Heheheh...
Julius: Fuck you! You suck! Not funny!
Larry (into bullhorn, reading cards):
*Red Fish* Until I began subscribing to Tropical Fish Hobbyist...
*Green Smiley* Until I joined the Students of the Unethical Treatment of
Animals...
*Red Poo* Until I began shaving women's armpits in their sleep.
*Red Splat* My life was, as yours is now, an endless parade of anonymous
handjobs at seedy truck stops and highway rest areas...
*Green Smiley* My life was, as yours is now, without meaning, or substance...
*Red Frown* My life was, as yours is now, completely dominated by herpes.
Julius: Hey, you have no right to judge us, asshole!
Sweetwater: This is some buuullshit, man!
(Random booing and cursing ensues.)
Larry (taking away bullhorn):
*Red Frown* All right, look. I'm a schmuck, I admit it...
*Red Hick Face* All right, look. I'm a moron, I admit it...
*Green Smiley* Uh, okay, look people...
*Red Angry Face* I may not know a lot about animal right, or how to incite
mobs to violence...
*Green Smiley* I may not know a lot about animal rights and all that stuff...
*Red Frown* I might not know a lot about public speaking, or even hygeine...
*Red Butt* But, I've spent enough time stimulating my colon to know one thing:
*Red Frown* But, I've spent enough time in gay bathhouses to know one thing:
*Green Smiley* But, I've watched enough TV and enough movies to know one
thing:
*Green Smiley* Monkeys don't belong stuck in some cage in a scientist's
lab!
*Red Frown* Monkeys don't deserve to be tortured to death for any reason, much
less for limited and unreliable medical research!
*Red Depressed Face* Monkeys are thinking, feeling, and loving sentient
beings! They don't deserve to be butchered in the name of science!
(Random murmuring.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Since the Industrial Revolution...
*Red Frown* Since the dawn of Hollywood...
*Green Smiley* Since the dawn of man...
*Red Frown* ...monkeys have bent over backwards to make life more bearable
for us humans!
*Red Frown* ...monkeys have played major roles behind the scenes during
history's most pivotal moments!
*Green Smiley* ...monkeys have done nothing but make life easier for us,
y'know?
*Red Frown* They've enforced our laws! Cared for our children!
*Green Smiley* They've worked as entertainers and as bellhops...
*Red Frown* They've held jobs as pilots and as fashion executives...
*Red Balls* Did you know that chimpanzees were the first mammals to have the
balls to go up in space?
*Green Smiley* Heck, some of the first astronauts in space were monkeys!
*Red Frown* ...and what about the chimponauts, huh? The first mammals to go
into space were primates, huh? That's what I'm talkin' about!
*Red Ape-man* Sure! Maybe they had ulterior motives, but so what! They paved
the way for our astronauts! That's what mattered!
*Green Smiley* Sure, they worked for the Russians first, but so what! The
Cold War didn't matter! They wanted to explore space, so that's what they
did!
*Red Alien* Sure, they failed to find their home planet, but so what! They
paved the way for our astronauts, that's what matters!
Julius: I hate the man, but he's right!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Let me tell ya a story!
*Red Frown* Now, sit tight, little lambs, because I'm gonna tell you a
little story...
*Red Frown* Now, gather close, kiddies, 'cause Grandpa Lar's gotta a story
for you...
*Red Frown* It's a story about a kindly orangutan, a sweet, lovable beast,
with a bad case of Tourette's Syndrome and a panty-sniffing owner who takes
him for granted...
*Red Frown* It's a story about a kindly orangutan, the sweet, lovable,
Republican-loving partner of a homosexual jewel thief who takes him for
granted...
*Green Smiley* It's a story about a kindly orangutan, the sweet, lovable,
practical joke loving partner of a foppish jewel thief who takes him for
granted...
*Green Smiley* ...when he makes his escape from a five-star hotel on the eve
of the social event of the season! Sure, mayhem ensued...
*Red Frown* ...when he makes his escape from a five-star brothel on the eve
of the social event of the season! Sure, beastiality ensued...
*Red Japan* ...when he makes his escape from the Imperial Palace in downtown
Tokyo on the eve of the social event of the season! Sure, cultural
misunderstanding ensued...
*Red Frown* I am not gonna make excuses for him, he's an orangutan, he should
know better...
*Red Butt* I'm not gonna lie for him, he was a pain in the ass at times!
*Green Smiley* I'll be the first to admit it! I'm not sugarcoating
anything!
*Green Smiley* But that orangutan made a friend, too. The ten-year-old son
of a hotel manager!
*Red Frown* But when the ten-year-old son of the hotel manager needed someone
to take the rap on a petty burglary charge, he was there!
*Red Frown* But when the ten-year-old son of the hotel manager needed advice
and encouragement to face his own sexual identity crisis, he was there!
*Green Smiley* Dunston may have checked in that day, but he didn't check out!
*Red Money* Dunston may have checked in before noon, that day, and maybe he
didn't tip the maid the way he shoulda, but he didn't check out!
*Red Frown* Dunston may have checked in, that day. He may have raided
minibars for which other people were responsible, and he may have left an
ungodly mess in the shower, but he didn't check out!
Charlotte: You were doing great, before! Keep reading from the cards!
Sweetwater: Shut up, bitch!
Julius: Yeah!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* How 'bout Clyde, huh? Remember him, huh?
*Red Frown* What about Clyde, the redneck orangutan, huh?
*Red Frown* Anyone remember a certain beer-loving orangutan by the name of
Clyde?
*Red Frown* When Clint Eastwood's ass was in the sling, did Clyde bail on
his human friend? Hell, I know I would have, but he sure as hell didn't!
*Green Smiley* When Clint Eastwood's back was to the wall, did Clyde bail on
his human friend? Hell, no!
*Red Frown* When Clint Eastwood needed him, did Clyde turn his back on his
human pal? Heck, I know any of you would have, but Clyde stuck it out!
*Red Frown* There they were, side-by-side like the Three Musketeers, tearing
up saloons and staying one step ahead of the law to rescue Clint's girlfriend
from the Mob!
*Green Smiley* The two stood side-by-side, bare-knuckle brawlin' from one end
of the county to the other, tearing up saloons and staying one step ahead of
the law to rescue Clint's girlfriend from the Mob!
*Red Cow* Not since Paul Bunyan and Babe, the Blue Ox, have a man and his
animal kicked so much ass in a barroom brawl like Clyde and Clint.
*Red Frown* All right, hell, be honest. How many of you wouldn't trade in
your best friend for an orangutan, if you could?
*Green Smiley* They stuck together through thick and thin, EVERY which way
but loose, man, because Clyde was loyal!
*Red Tombstone* (sob) Clyde left us back in 1980, his legal affairs a jumbled
mess, his estate ruined, and it puts a smile on my face and sadness in my
heart that I watch his story unfold every year on the anniversary of his
death...
*Red Tombstone* I ask you good citizens, can you ignore Clyde's call for
VENGEANCE from beyond the grave?
*Green Smiley* Now, I ask you, can you turn your backs on these guys in
their time of need?
*Red Frown* So, when the pool cue of medical science comes crashing down over
the heads of primates' rights, are you gonna turn a blind eye?
*Red Frown* Now, let's tip some cop cars! Who's with me?
*Green Smiley* Well, I know I can't! Who's with me?
*Red Frown* People, I say this to you. Get some hair on your nads and let's
burn this mother down RIGHT NOW!!
Sweetwater: Damn right! That boy's tellin' the truth!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Now how many of you have watched orangutan porn?
*Red Shocked Face* All right, let's be honest! Who else here enjoys
orangutan porn?
*Red Shocked Face* Okay, honesty time! Who here enjoys orangutan porn as
much as I do?
*Red Frown* C'mon, don't be bashful...
*Green Smiley* Go ahead, uh, raise your hand!
*Red Frown* Julius, I uh, know you do, but what about the rest of ya?
(pause)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Not even once? Twice?
*Red Frown* C'mon! You're not a pervert if you have, really!
*Red Frown* C'mon! There's no judgment, here!
(pause)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Uh, maybe at a... bachelor party?
*Red Frown* By accident, maybe, y'know? Uhh... surfin' the Web?
*Red Depressed Face* J...just for fun?
*Green Smiley* Well, it's not half bad!
*Red Frown* Well, it's pretty damn cool!
*Red Frown* Well, it doesn't suck!
Crowd:
*Success* Yeah!!! Yeah, Larry and the monkes! Yeah, Larry! I love you,
Larry! I love your monkeys!
*Failure 1* Boo, boo, boo! You suck! Boo to you, sir! Get off the stage!
(etc.)
============
7C. Chat 3 =
============
(Larry, Charlotte, Luba, and Russell are gathered in Luba's room.)
Charlotte: Please, sit down, so we can get started...
Larry:
*Red Frown* I didn't have time to stop by the store, so I brought some
toast...
*Green Smiley* I didn't have time to stop by the store, so I brought some
American cheese...
*Red Can* I didn't have time to stop by the store, so I brought some musk
melon...
*Red Shocked Face* I only brought three slices. Ol' Scoop-shovel Charlie
over there will have to go without...
*Green Smiley* I only brought three slices, so someone will have to do
without...
*Red Frown* I only brought three, count 'em, three slices! Ol' Boxcar Willy
over there is gonna have to go without...
*Red Shocked Face* Oooo! Donuts! Can I have one?
*Green Smiley* Aw, donuts! Can I have one?
*Red Frown* Yummy! Donuts! Can I have one?
Charlotte: Please take a seat, Larry, the donuts are for after the meeting!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Well, then why does Jerkface Russell have one?
*Red Angry Face* After the meeting, huh? Interesting, very interesting.
Well, it looks-like-someone-forgot-to-tell-Russell-because-he's-eating-a-
donut-right-now!!!
*Green Smiley* If the donuts are for afterwards, then why does Russell have
one?
(Russell is holding a hand to his mouth.)
Charlotte: (sigh) Russell doesn't have a donut, Larry. We're saving them
for after the meeting! Three apiece! All right? Let's move on! Now...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Bullcrap! It was jelly, I saw it!
*Red Ruler* Open the freakin' box! I'll bet you fifty bucks there's only
eleven in there!
*Green Smiley* He had a donut! I'm not crazy!
*Red Frown* He's doin' this just to piss me off, mark my words!
*Red Frown* He looked right at me when he ate it. H...he did it out of spite!
*Green Smiley* H...he put the last of it in his mouth, right before you looked
at him!
*Red Cheese* Smell his breath. I think it might have been... a coconut...
*Green Smiley* You think you're so slick, doncha, Russell?
*Red Angry Face* Ohhh, I HATE HIM!!!
Luba (seeming somewhat buzzed): Dude... Chill out on Russell... You can have
one of my donuts!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* (whiny) I don't want one of your donuts, I want one of MY
donuts!!
*Red Angry Face* No! I always back down first, but this time, I'm makin' a
stand!
*Red Flag* No way! There's a larger issue at stake, here, and I'm sorry if
you guys can't understand, but this is important!
*Green Smiley* And I don't see why everyone here has to treat him like he's
su...
*Red Frown* He's a con m... He's a CON MAN, look at him!!!
*Red Frown* I can't believe you girls fall for his act! What am I the only
one who sees through this guy?
Charlotte: Brothers and sisters, please! We need to focus, here! There is a
larger issue at hand, remember? Now, according to my sources, the security
guard enters the building everything evening around a quarter to six...
WHAT... IS IT, LARRY?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* I wanna ask Russell a question...
*Red Frown* I'd like to ask your little... helper... over there, a question.
*Red Frown* Oh, I wanna ask the Utah Kid over there a question...
*Red Butt* I'm not gonna kick his ass...
*Red Frown* I promise not to upset your precious "golden boy"...
*Green Smiley* I won't hurt his feeeelings...
*Red Frown* I'm making a stand, and I'm making it right here, right now...
*Red Depressed Face* I'm not gonna make him cry...
*Green Smiley* I'm not gonna get mad...
*Red Frown* There's something I need to know, and it can't wait...
*Red Frown* Right, Charlotte, please take this down. I'd like Russell's
response documented!
*Green Smiley* I just wanna... ask him something...
Charlotte: (sigh) Fine...
*Red Frown* Russell, I'd like to know if you find me attractive! Also, I
wanna know if the donut you ate was coconut...
*Green Smiley* Russell, I just wanna know if the donut you ate was coconut.
*Red Butt* Russell, yesterday evening at precisely 5:30 PM, I received a
Polaroid of my toothbrush inserted into a man's ass. It was taken in my
dorm room without my knowledge, and it was dated three weeks ago. Now, I
would like to know if that was your ass in the photograph. Also, I wanna
know if the donut you ate was coconut...
*Red Frown* It's not like I give a crap...
*Green Smiley* It's not a big deal...
*Red Frown* Hey, if it was, I could care less, more power to ya...
*Red Angry Face* (sob) I just want you to tell the truth, man!!
*Green Smiley* I'd just like to know, that's all...
*Red Frown* I'm just trying to get the facts, for the good of the group!
That's all!
Charlotte: Larry! How in the world could that possibly matter to you??
Larry:
*Green Smiley* I know from experience that whenever you ask for a dozen
donuts, they usually put only one coconut in the box, unless you specifically
ask for more...
*Red Frown* Listen to me, and listen well, because I'll only say this once!
It's a select few that enjoy coconut, and I happen to be one of them!
Rarely do you get more than one in a dozen!
*Red Frown* I happen to know that the particular bakery from which those
donuts came bake very few coconut ones. I've complained about it to the
management, but that's neither here, nor there...
*Green Smiley* Coconut happens to be my favorite, and it would be a shame if
certain people, because they thought they were better than anyone else...
*Red Frown* Coconut is my favorite! I'm not saying Russell knew this, but
it would be a shame if, due to his selfishness, that man...
*Red Frown* Coconut is my favorite! If anyone would have bothered to ask me
BEFORE the meeting, I would have told them! I think it's a real shame...
Charlotte:
*Success* Oh, to hell with it! Russell, Luba, you keep watch! Larry, you
kidnap the monkey! Got it? Fine! Let's go!
*Failure 1* That's it! Meeting over! God, this school is pathetic!
Ah, the band geek. I was one, myself, y'know, and YES IT'S ALL TRUE! Of
course, if I hear that "one time at band camp" joke once more, there will be
pain...
============
8A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry approaches Harriet as she twangs her mouth harp.)
Larry (inner monologue):
*Green Smiley* Oh, hello. What is this?
*Red Frown* Check it ouuuuut...
*Red Frown* Bow-chika-bow-bow!
*Green Smiley* Do my eyes deceive me, as they have with so many
cross-dressers?
*Red Frown* Female. No boyfriends in sight. No girlfriends to make her feel
self-conscious about talkin' to me. Heheh... Jackpot..
*Red Frown* Thank you, horoscope!
*Red Frown* She's sexy, talented, and knows how to make noises with her mouth!
*Green Smiley* Sexy and talented?
*Red Lips* Sexy, talented, and a possible oral fixation.
Larry (to Harriet in French accent):
*Red Tent* I am but a snake! And you have charmed me, no? My little soldier
erects a tent in my blue jeans! Yes? Oui! Hehehe!
*Green Smiley* Ah, my little darling. It is love at first sight, no?
(kissing noises)
*Red Frown* Ah, darling! You have found me! My soldier rises like a
gentleman, does it not? Mwamwamwa! Heheheh! Aw, man I miss that skunk.
*Red Frown* Uh, excuse me, but are you a parking ticket, because you got
"fine" written all over ya! Get it? Fine, eh? Hahaha!
*Red Frown* What's up, chicken butt?
*Green Smiley* Hey...
Harriet: Hey!
Larry:
*Red Frown* So, uhh... How's it goin' babe?
*Red Frown* So, uh, how you doin'?
*Green Smiley* So, so uh, how's it going?
Harriet: Pretty good...
Larry (aside):
*Green Smiley* Oh, man. This is going better than I thought.
*Red Frown* Oh, man. This chick really wants to jump my bone!
*Red Frown* Hoho, man. This chick is ready to go. Better seal the deal,
here.
*Red Frown* Talk about gettin' your foot in the door. I got eye contact and
everything!
*Red Lips* Talk about verbal foreplay. Gotta keep this up...
*Green Smiley* Got ta keep this momentum going.
Larry (to Harriet):
*Green Smiley* So... Uh... You in the band?
*Red Hick Face* So, uh, what's with the dumb outfit? You in a band, or
somethin'?
*Red Frown* Jaw harp, huh? Those are weird. So, uh, you in the band, or
somethin'?
Harriet: Yup. Mmmhmm. I'm just an alternate right now, but I'm auditioning
for first chair this year, because Barbara Moses had a nervous breakdown
during summer sessions, related to her being a slut, but my squad leader
said I could play during the pre-game pep rally tomorrow even though I'm only
second alternate because he thinks my marching's better than Oliver
Caffrey's, who's gay, but won't admit it, even though I don't have all the
music memorized, yet. Are you going to the game?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Uh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What game?
*Green Smiley* Game? What game?
*Red Frown* I'm sorry, you lost me back there at the word "slut". Did you
say something about a game?
Harriet: The Walnut Log Community College Arena Football game, silly. What
did you think I meant?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* We have a football team?
*Red Frown* W-w-wait a second. Isn't football the one where girls go around
in a circle on roller skates and try to beat the crap out of each other?
*Red Frown* Football team? Is that why we have a stadium?
Harriet: It's not football, it's arena football, stupid! And how could
you not know we have a team? Don't you have any school spirit? Don't you
have any idea how hard it is to be a member of the WLCC Marching Band?
Veterans have to compete for a spot on the team every year! Same as
freshmen, we could lose our spot any time! It's like living in a fucking
pressure cooker twenty-four hours a day! I hope you die and go to Hell!
*Red Frown* Hey-hey-hey. Hang on a minute there, band lady...
*Green Smiley* W-w-wait just a darn minute, here...
*Red Frown* Whoa-whoa-whoa. Hold on a second, psycho! Let me get something
straight here.
*Red Ruler* This school doesn't even have a Math Department...
*Green Smiley* This school can't afford a real football team...
*Red Frown* This school doesn't even have an English Department...
*Green Smiley* ...but we have an arena football team...
*Red Frown* ...but we have some crappy ass arena football team?
*Red Money* ...and we're giving away hundreds of dollars in free scholarships,
so we can have an arena football team?
*Red Ruler* That rules!
*Green Smiley* Man, this school gets more lowball by the minute...
*Red Frown* Okay, who ever heard of a college having an arena football team?
*Green Smiley* Are we Division I, or Division II?
*Red Frown* So, if we go undefeated, do we go to the Rose Bowl, or do we go
to one of those crappy bowls, like the Tidy Cat Bowl, or something?
*Red Drunk Face* Do they serve beer at games? I could buy, see I've been
twenty-one for a couple years now...
(Harriet goes into a snorting laugh fit.)
Harriet: You're funny! I like you!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* You do?
*Red Frown* Hey, c'mon give me a ch... Wait a minute! Are you serious?
*Red Frown* You're kidding! I mean, I've never heard anyone say that without
sarcasm before! You really like me?
Harriet:
*Success* Yes, silly, of course I do! Here. Help me work out the stiffness
in my twanging hand, and we'll go get shit-faced!
*Failure 1* Go fuck yourself...
*Failure 2* Yes, silly, of course I do! Now get out of here, I have to
practice! Go! Move it! Now!
============
8B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry and Harriet sit at a table at the Power Station.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Heheh... So...
*Red Frown* Hey, uh, do you like unicorns?
*Red Balls* Man, my balls really itch...
Harriet: Hmm....
Larry:
*Red Poo* I gotta take a dump...
*Green Smiley* Um, will you excuse me for a minute?
*Red Frown* Hey, um, I just remembered, I have to pick up some nutmeg...
(Harriet gazes around.)
(Larry now stands facing the camera, nearby are his "chair" and a boom mike.)
Game Director: Talk to me baby, what's wrong?
Larry:
*Red Wang* First thing's first. Can you pick up some penis enlargement pills
that actually work? Oh, and listen...
*Red Foot* Well first, these cheap-o shoe lifts your assistant picked up
are killing my feet! And another thing...
*Green Smiley* Uh, I'm sorry, but can we skip this one?
*Green Smiley* I mean, she's in a fucking marching band, for Christ sake.
*Red Cow* This girl's got a face like a twelve-year-old after doing ten
rounds with Mike Tyson! Come on...
*Red Cheese* Okay, we all saw American Pie, ha ha. Let's get some fresh
material.
*Red Flag* My agent promised me a tasteful remake of a classic game!
*Green Smiley* I mean, I thought this game was gonna be full of, y'know...
Catholic school girls and hottie nurses!
*Red Boobs* My contract stipulated nude casting calls with myself present and
no stunt cocks.
*Green Smiley* Did you talk to the guys at Universal about my Super Tribute
Album, huh?
*Red Frown* I don't need this! I was Brian Dennehy's understudy in FH2, for
crap's sake!
*Red Splat* Now, did you talk to the people at Sierra about my idea for "Beat
'Em and Eat 'Em 2000"?
Game Director: We're just waitin' for the final green light. You think you
can dig deep and give us one more, big guy? We'll make it an early wrap,
I promise.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* I don't know...
*Red Bread* Can I have a bite of that sandwich?
*Red Frown* Uh, any word on my mail-order bride, yet?
Game Director: You're really doing a great job! We all think so!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Quit strokin' my ego, Floyd...
*Red Angry Face* Yeah, yeah, tell the Video Game Awards board that! Ray
Liotta? Best Performance? Gimme a break...
*Red Can* Yeah, well you thought Russell was a good idea!
*Red Wang* How'd my junk look during those closeup moves? Yeah, I shoulda
Nair'd last night...
*Red Frown* I told ya, keep my mother off the sets during the sex scenes.
I can't perform when she's watchin'! And also, that crew member, Roy?
Ugh. Really creeps me out, man...
*Green Smiley* Now, come on, be honest. How was I in the gangbang scene?
Well, not like the ESRB is ever gonna approve that, anyway...
Game Director: It'll come together during editing...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Editing, shmediting. You say that about everything!
*Green Smiley* Cram it, shine boy, I wasn't finished talking!
*Red Frown* Editing? They couldn't edit their way out of a paper bag!
*Red Frown* So, far, I've had to get by with only one assistant!
*Red Lips* So far, everyone thinks I'm as gay as a... Judy Garland fansite!
*Green Smiley* So far, I've had a homeless guy worm my chick!
*Green Smiley* I had a contract put on my head by the Mob!
*Red Drunk Face* You still haven't picked up my anal nitrate...
*Red Hick Face* Those hookers you sent me really need better dental care...
*Red Frown* And I'm tired of sharing my trailer with that guy who plays the
Commisar! I mean, getting into your part's one thing, but he's really been
pissing himself!
*Green Smiley* And I've been subjected to a teddy bear with a strap-on!
*Red Lips* And don't take me to any more transvestite bars. You know I'm
easily confused!
Game Director: Shoddy writing, Larry. There's no excuse. That's all changed,
now! We're gonna start taking a totally new direction with the girls.
*Red Frown* She ends up being a pack of squirrels wearing a human suit...
*Red Frown* She's actually a crime-stopping robot...
*Green Smiley* She's the daughter of a money-hungry cheese baron...
*Red Alien* Who needs plutonium so she can fix her spaceship and return to
her home planet!
*Green Smiley* Who needs me to help win a boat race to save her grandfather's
farm!
*Red Frown* Who holds me captive and demands the entire planet's acorn
supply as ransom!
Game Director: Absolutely not, Lar! You're really gonna love the ending with
this one!
Larry:
*Red Japan* I knew I should have accepted that position as the Financial
Network's Asian Correspondent!
*Green Smiley* All right, fine...
*Red Boobs* I knew I shoulda stayed in porn...
*Green Smiley* So, what, do we start all over again?
*Red Frown* Uh, makeup? Could I get a little more base? Lookin' a little
peaked?
*Red Wang* So, uh, can I get a bigger sock for my pants, eh?
Game Director: Nah, we'll fix it during editing, just go back to the table.
Let's go, people, Larry's back!
Harriet:
*Success* Hey! I got an idea! Let's go to the pep rally! Larry: Okay,
why not...
*Failure 1* So, I'm not hot enough for you? I'm going to my trailer!
*Failure 2* I'm sorry... I'm off my train of thought. Can we try this
again? Director: Ugh. Okay. Band Geek, Conversation 2, Take 2!
============
8C. Chat 3 =
============
(Larry and Harriet are out on the Main Campus.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Wanna go back to my place and play my instrument?
*Red Frown* Hey, Harriet! You up for a few rounds of Euchre?
*Red Frown* Hey! Wanna help me shop for a new step-ladder?
Harriet: Oh my God, Larry! There's no time! Something horrible has
happened! Dave is sick!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, Dave! Uh, that's too bad...
*Red Frown* Super Dave? What a klutz! When's that guy not in the hospital?
*Red Drunk Face* David Crosby again, huh? Well, those are the consequences
of an extensive lifetime of alcohol and drug abuse.
*Red Frown* You can tell him that his last cable special sucked the big one!
*Green Smiley* Is there a, uh, card I can sign or something?
*Red Frown* Explain to him, for the third time, that my liver's not for sale!
Harriet: You don't get it! Dave? The mascot? He's like, the living
embodiment of Twiggy!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Twiggy? You mean like a...
*Red Frown* Twiggy? What kinda name is that?
*Green Smiley* Ah, Twiggy...
*Red Brain* Think about it...
*Red NO Sign* Oh, if only the censors had let us use the original name...
Heheheh...
*Green Smiley* What's another name for a bundle of sticks?
Harriet: Who will lead us to victory against the Maiming Maggots? Dave was
so... perfect... That big wooden suit... His special halftime Twiggy-mania
Dance! I always felt he was prancing just for me... Ohhh...
Larry:
*Red Ruler* Man, your Crazy-o-Meter keeps rising higher and higher!
*Red Frown* A mascot fetishist... Heheh... Kinky...
*Green Smiley* Wow! That mascot sure gets you hot!
*Green Smiley* Hey, Harriet. Why don't I "fill in" for him?
*Red Devil* Uh, listen, if it'll get me laid, I'll wear it...
*Red Frown* Maybe wearing the suit will make you like me...
Harriet: You'd do that... for me? That's...so...sweet... You must really
care for me...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Ah, it's nothin'...
*Red Boobs* Well, I really care about certain parts of you...
*Red Butt* Yeah, this is a really deep relationship we have here...
*Green Smiley* I'm sure anyone with any school spirit would do it!
*Red Boobs* I'm sure anyone who wanted to get into your pants would do it!
*Red Butt* I'm just really really horny...
Harriet: You really love me, don't you! I knew it!! I knew we were destined
to be together! (suddenly POSSESSED) TILL DEATH DO US PART!!! HA HA HAH!!
(regains normalcy)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Uh... sure!
*Red Frown* Wow... Huh. You're crazy!
*Red Sombrero* Whoa, somebody's a few burritos short of a combo platter.
*Red Frown* So, why don't we get you nice and heavily sedated...
*Red Brain* So, why don't we just get you situated in one nice mental
institution...
*Green Smiley* So, why don't we just get into that costume...
*Green Smiley* ...and then I can be on my way!
*Red Frown* ...and then I can enter the Witness Protection Program.
*Red Frown* ...and then I gotta go buy a small handgun...
*Red Tool* I'm sure you have lots of self-mutilation and animal torture to
occupy you.
*Red Frown* Look, I'm sure you have lots of anti-psychosis medicine to take.
*Green Smiley* I'm sure you, you have lots of things to do...
Harriet:
*Success* No... I've got plenty of time for you, big guy! Let's get you
suited up, you hot hunk of man!!
*Failure 1* No! You're not Twiggy! (possessed) YOU'RE NOT MIKEY! (normal)
No! (possessed) GO AWAY!!
*Failure 2* No, no, no! There's no way this will work! You don't know
how to be Twiggy... We're all doomed... (sobs)
Ah, the forbidden fruit of the sheltered beauty waiting to be unleashed, or
deflowered, whatever... While not a complete prude, she is a little shy, so
it'll take a little "loosening up" to get her going...
============
9A. Chat 1 =
============
(Larry dials on his phone.)
Larry (into phone):
*Green Smiley* (clears throat) (in gruff falsetto) Hello. My name is
Assistant Dean Abrahamson, and I would like to purchase one of your erotic
cakes.
*Red Butt* (clears throat) (in gruff falsetto) Hello. My name is
Assistant Dean Abrahamson, and I would like to purchase one of your erotic
ass cakes. I plan to masturbate during our conversation.
*Red Frown* (in gruff falsetto) Hello. My name is Assistant Dean Abrahamson.
I would like to discuss the purchase of a large pornographic cake. If I can
have it delivered by a scantily-clad man, I'm willing to pay for that, too.
(Ione looks up from her books at him.)
Larry (into phone):
*Red Frown* I would like one in the shape of an overly obese person's
buttocks, please...
*Green Smiley* I would like one in the shape of a man's ass...
*Red Frown* I would like one in the shape of an elderly gentleman's buttocks.
*Red Frown* I would like it to look hairy, so do not skimp on the chocolate
sprinkles.
*Green Smiley* Because that... is what I am, an enormous ass...
*Red Balls* With perhaps just a hint of a ballsack underneath.
(Ione giggles.)
Larry (into phone):
*Red Angry Face* Please, listen to my instructions, carefully, as I am a fat
angry man, prone to fits of rage.
*Red Frown* Please, listen to me carefully, as unlike my previous attempts to
purchase erotic cakes from your bakery, this is not a prank call.
*Green Smiley* Please, listen to me carefully, as this is not a prank call.
*Red Frown* I would like the cake delivered to the Velvet Illusions Porno
Theater.
*Green Smiley* I would like the cake delivered to the Enton Alumni Auditorium
at 2:35 PM, tomorrow.
*Red Frown* I would like the cake delivered to the Walnut Log Chamber of
Commerce Awards Banquet.
*Green Smiley* Hello? Hello! Oh, man...
*Red Angry Face* Hello? Hello! Don't you dare hang up on me!
*Red Frown* Hello? Hello! Oh, great. That's the only pornographic bakery
in town!
Ione: Your cake joke was funny. You sounded just like him.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hehe yeah... I've been working on my Assisant Dean Abrahamson
impersonation for a while now. I've gotten so good at it, even his wife
can't tell the difference.
*Red Frown* Hehe yeah... I've been working on my Assisant Dean Abrahamson
impersonation for a while now. I've gotten so good at it, even escort
services can't tell the difference.
*Red Frown* Hehe yeah... I've been working on my Assisant Dean Abrahamson
impersonation for a while now. I've gotten so good at it, even his Merkin
supplier can't tell the difference.
*Red Frown* Why just last week I called his house while he was out trolling
Cura Street for lady boys, and I asked his wife to take aaaalll the liquor he
had in his liquor cabinet, and donate it to a local soup kitchen (laughs).
*Red Frown* Why just last week I called his house while he was holed up at the
In-Out Inn with a prostitute and I asked his wife to take aaaalll the liquor
he had in his liquor cabinet, and donate it to a local soup kitchen (laughs).
*Green Smiley* Why just last week I called his house while he was gone, and I
asked his wife to take aaaalll the liquor he had in his liquor cabinet, and
donate it to a local soup kitchen (laughs).
(Abrahamson is seen on nearby stairs.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Oh, man, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall when
he came home that evening. (wife falsetto) Sorry, Martin. No cognac for
you tonight. (back to normal) Oh, and just between you and me, I think him
and Mrs. Abrahamson are having just a little bit of trouble in the boudour.
Apparently, he uses some kind of a splint (laughs).
*Red Frown* Oh, man, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall when
he came home that evening. (wife falsetto) Sorry, Martin. No cognac for
you tonight. (back to normal) Oh, man, what a douchebag!
*Green Smiley* Oh, man, would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall when
he came home that evening. (wife falsetto) Sorry, Martin. No cognac for
you tonight. (back to normal) Oh, man, what a ball-hair!
Abrahamson: Ione! There you are. I've been looking all over for you. Make
sure to come by the house early tomorrow. We're having the new Chancellor
and his wife over for dinner, and I plan on opening that bottle of cognac my
grandmother brought back from Paris after the war. I can count on that color
and that subtle aroma to win me that promotion to the Dean's chair! Ha ha
yes! My time is nigh! What the... LOVAGE! What the hell are you doing
bothering my niece?
*Red Frown* I, heh heh, I was just, uh, remarking to her, how uh, slim your
jowls look in that painting...
*Green Smiley* I, heh heh, I was just, uh, remarking to her how young and
virile you look in that painting, sir...
*Red Frown* I, heh heh, I was just, uh, remarking to her how gray your skin
looks in that painting...
Abrahamson: Ah, yes, my new portrait. Cost the school a pretty penny, but
then, what are tuition hikes for, eh? Wa..wa...wa ha ha ha ha!!!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* (sympathetic) Ha...ha...ha...ha...haaa...
*Red Frown* (snorting laugh)
*Red Frown* (copying) Wa..wa...wa ha ha ha ha!!!
Abrahamson: Quiet, Lovage. I don't have time for this nonsense, I have an
important dinner to plan. Ione, make sure you dress as attractive as is
possible due to our photographer from the school paper will be there to
capture my facial expressions as I open the liquor cabinet!
*Green Smiley* Are you sure a big, rich dinner is what you really need right
now, I mean, you've been doing really well on your diet!
*Red Frown* You should check out this month's issue of Working Women, it has
all these cool tips on how to throw a successful dinner party, and they even
have a section called "Chocolate Zone", where you'll find dessert recipes,
why I can--
*Red Brain* You know what I like to serve at dinner parties? Science snacks!
My teacher showed me how to make them in third grade! They're really easy,
you just--
Abrahamson: Blow it out your ass, Lovage! And you listen to me! Stay away
from my niece! She has enough trouble attracting boys without the likes of
YOU ruining her reputation! (notices onlookers) What are you people looking
at? Get back to your studies!
Ione:
*Success* Oh, Larry please! You've got to get that bottle of cognac back!
My aunt will be in ever so much trouble if he finds out she gave it away!
Oh, please help!
*Failure 1* Oh my goodness! She'll kill my aunt when he finds out she gave
away his cognac. You're an evil, evil man!
*Failure 2* Oh my goodness! She'll kill my aunt when he finds out she gave
away his cognac. Look what you've done! You wretched man!
============
9B. Chat 2 =
============
(Larry and Ione are in her room.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Wow! Girls rooms are different than guys rooms...
*Red Poo* You got a plastic bag I could borrow? I need to take a dump and
the bathroom's out of order...
*Red Frown* Ugh, smells like cat pee in here...
*Green Smiley* A dresser! That's where you keep your underwear, isn't it?
*Red Frown* Wow, no mildew on the ceiling or anything!
*Red Dildo* A dresser! That's where you keep you vibrators, right?
Ione: Umm... Yes, well, um. Thank you, for getting the cognac back. I
guess... I'll see you around...
Larry:
*Red Brain* Books, man! You must study a lot! I can tell, 'cause of the
glasses.
*Green Smiley* Hey! Are you into poetry?
*Red Frown* Books, huh? Nice, I should get some of those...
Ione: Mmm hmm... Mostly feminist poetry. Most guys are a bit put off by it.
My uncle says men don't find that kind of thing attractive, and that I
should major in Home Economics instead.
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yeah, well. He may have a point there, but what does he know?
I think it's great you're into poetry.
*Red Angry Face* Yeah, well, even a broken clock's right once a day, huh? I
think it's great you're into poetry.
*Green Smiley* Yeah, well. Feminism is a big waste of time. But, he should
mind his own beeswax! I think it's great that you're into poetry.
*Green Smiley* "Watch out for the Penis, watch out I say!"
*Red Splat* "Beware the Schlong, beware I say!"
*Red Frown* "Beware the Beef Missile, beware I say!"
*Red Frown* "For genital warts, it cares not!"
*Red Frown* "For lubrication, it cares not!"
*Green Smiley* "For justice, it cares not!"
*Green Smiley* "Cobra-headed invader, I stab back at thee!"
*Red Frown* "Bald-headed wrinkle beat, I stab back at thee!"
*Red Frown* "Swollen stink hammer, I stab back at thee!"
*Green Smiley* "Grow not firm against my thigh!"
*Red Ruler* "Grow you not four inches high!"
*Red Frown* "Seek you not warmth of pie!"
*Green Smiley* "See me not through thy one eye!"
*Red Frown* "Spit custard not through your one eye!"
*Red Frown* "Do not shoot your load into my eye!"
*Green Smiley* "Jisming with greed!"
*Red Frown* "Destroyer of kidney!"
*Red Ruler* "Hung well, below thy knee..."
Ione: That was... wha... that was brilliant! Was that really yours?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Well, I stoled a few of the penis euphemisms from Reader's Digest,
but the rest of it, I wrote when I was nine.
*Green Smiley* Mmm hmm. I wrote it while watching Saturday morning cartoons
when I was nine.
*Red Frown* Every word, turd. Wrote it when I was nine.
*Red Frown* Hey, do you know any publishers? I've been having a hell of a
time trying to get it in print...
*Green Smiley* I've worked on it since then, but it's basically stayed the
same.
*Red Frown* Hard to believe. Ebony Magazine rejected that sucker six times.
Ione: What was your father like. Was he overbearing? Controlling, perhaps?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Nah. He's cool, most of the time, really. He's one of those
guys, doesn't get angry often, but, once he does it's like, head for
shelter, y'know?
*Red Drunk Face* Oh, no! He was a great father when he was sober. He's just
one of those guys, doesn't get angry very often, but, once he does it's like,
head for shelter, y'know?
*Red Frown* Oh, no. Not at all. He was a great father when he lived with
us. He's one of those guys, y'know, doesn't get angry very often, but once
he does it's like, head for shelter, know what I mean?
*Red Lips* I remember once I got sent home from school for kissing another
boy ON ACCIDENT, long story...
*Red Frown* I remember, I got suspended from school for crawling through the
ventilation system to spy on girls' showers or whatever...
*Green Smiley* I remember I'd bring home bad grades from school or get sent
home after being beat up by a girl...
*Red Frown* And my dad just laughed, and said something about being arrested
for the same thing in Oklahoma or something, but then, I'd just be sitting in
the kitchen studying, or whatever, and my dad would burst into the kitchen,
buck naked, and be all like:
*Red Frown* And my dad would laugh and say how that brought back memories.
But then, I'd just be sitting in the kitchen, miding my own business, and all
of a sudden he'd be all like:
*Green Smiley* And he'd just say "Oh well, whatever," and "Happens to
everybody," but then I'd be hanging out in the kitchen making a PB&J, and
all of a sudden and he'd be like:
*Red Frown* "What the hell are you doing? For nine years I supported you,
and you haven't done a damn thing with your life!"
*Red Frown* "What the hell is the matter with you? You wanna grow up to be a
loser like your old man?"
*Green Smiley* "What the hell are you doing? You've wasted the entire
afternoon!"
*Red Frown* And I'd be all like "Why is Mow-Mow sleeping in your room instead
of Mommy?" and he'd say...
*Red Frown* And I'd be all like "Is Ling-Ling gonna be my new Mommy?" and he'd
say...
*Green Smiley* And I'd be all like "You're cheating on Mommy!" and he'd
say...
*Red Frown* "Mind your own business! Go practice your ukelele!" and I'd
be all like "I don't wanna play the ukelele! YOU play the ukelele! That's
your dream, not mine, man!"
*Red Frown* "Mind your own business! Go practice your jaw harp!" and I'd
be all like "I don't wanna play the jaw harp! YOU play the jaw harp! That's
your dream, not mine, man!"
*Green Smiley* "Mind your own business! Go practice your panflute!" and I'd
be all like "I don't wanna play the panflute! YOU play the panflute! That's
your dream, not mine!"
*Red Frown* But I love the guy, really. I mean he's mellowed out a lot, too,
since the state adopted the three strikes rule for felons. Hey! Wanna hang
out tonight? I got some Pruno in my room! It's warm, but it'll do the
trick!
*Red Frown* But he's great, y'know? He's mellowed out a lot since he's been
on parole. Hey! Wanna get hammered?
*Green Smiley* But he's great, y'know? We get along fine when I'm home.
Hey! Wanna play some Quarters?
Ione:
*Success* Umm... Yes. Fine. That sounds nice, actually.
*Failure 1* Oooh. I wish I could, really, but I simply must study tonight.
Sorry...
*Failure 2* I'd better not. But, thank you. This has been... quite
fascinating.
============
9C. Chat 3 =
============
(Larry and Ione are in her room.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, man, was that great!
*Red Angry Face* Yes! You SUCK! Ha ha ha ha!
*Red Frown* In your face! Yahooooo!
*Green Smiley* We got ta keep this party rollin'!
*Red Drunk Face* All right, baby! Miller time! Let's go get schnockered!
*Red Cow* All right! Grab your drinking shoes, and saddle up!
*Red Frown* You wanna hit a wino bar with me?
*Red Frown* C'mon! Let's go slum it at Lefty's!
*Green Smiley* You wanna go to Lefty's?
*Green Smiley* They've got fifty-cent Whiskey Sours if you get there before
noon!
*Red Rat* Last time I was there, I saw a possum crawl under the deep fryer.
*Red Frown* This one homeless guy's there, he's hilarious! He's taken his
pants off!
Ione: No, thank you. I was planning on... staying in...
Larry:
*Red Money* Great idea! Why go out and spend all that money, when we can
just get drunk right here.
*Green Smiley* Countin' calories, eh?
*Red Frown* A stay-at-home drinker, eh? Smart...
*Red Frown* My wallet's a... little light right now, anyways.
*Green Smiley* Good for you...
*Red Frown* Yeah, that place sucks anyways. I only go there because the
bartender sometimes gives me free drinks if I mop out the urinals.
Ione: No, no. It's not that. I don't... like to go out much...
Larry:
*Red Devil* Whaaaat? A hot piece of flounder like you?
*Red Frown* Why are the pretty ones always such a pain in the... I mean, uh...
*Green Smiley* Whaaat? A hot piece of cheese like you?
*Red Butt* What's wrong? You got hemorrhoids or something?
*Green Smiley* On a Tuesday night, you've got to be kidding!
*Red Frown* Why? What's wrong? You gotta yeast infection or somethin'?
I've dealt with those.
Ione: Do... do you really think I'm attractive?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Well you're... not a skank, if that's what you're asking...
*Red Frown* Attractive enough, yeah sure!
*Green Smiley* Pretty much, uh, sure yeah, why not?
*Red Frown* I mean, look at you! It's not like you have a double chin...
*Red Frown* I mean, look at you! It's not like you're all pock-marked or
you have a huuuuuge schnozz or anything...
*Green Smiley* I mean, look at you! You're not THAT pale...
*Red Frown* Your face is pretty decent even with the humongous pair of
glasses.
*Green Smiley* Your face is decent.
*Red Frown* You've got some nice facial features for sure!
*Red Butt* Looks like you got SOME booty goin' on under there.
*Green Smiley* Your chest isn't completely flat...
*Red Boobs* Implants aren't THAT expensive...
*Red Foot* So what if you're pigeon-toed, it's not like guys need to see your
feet when they score with you, right? Unless they're foot fetishists, but
whatever, those guys are weird anyways, right?
*Green Smiley* And you're not too scrawny at all, mostly...
*Red Frown* So what if you dress like Martha Dumptruck, I'll bet you look
good naked!
Ione: I've always hoped that someone would find me attractive for my mind as
well as my body...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Heh heh, good one! But, seriously, you can't give up on
yourself like that.
*Red Frown* Yeah. Gay friends are great. I've got a few of them, myself.
But, don't throw in the towel just yet.
*Red Frown* Yeah yeah, whatever. Look, you can't throw in the towel. Sure,
your situation's desperate, but there's still hope.
*Red Brain* Using your intelligence as a crutch will only get you so far in
life.
*Red Frown* The key to feeling good about yourself as a person is physical
attractiveness...
*Green Smiley* You're just in a rut, because you haven't had a man show you
how to be sexy, that's all...
*Green Smiley* Hey! You know what you need?
*Red Frown* Hey! You know what'd be perfect for a down-and-out girl like
yourself?
*Red Frown* Hey! I know what'd get you to stop whining!
Ione: A boyfriend who loves me for who I am?
Larry:
*Red Frown* A makeover! Oh, please, let me give you one! Please, please,
pleeeease! I got all the stuff we need!
*Green Smiley* A makeover, huh! Oh come on it'll be great! You won't have to
buy a thing! I've got all the stuff we need right at my place.
*Red Frown* A makeover! Oh, it'll be SO much fun! We'll get some ice cream,
some stuff to make s'mores! Hello! Whaddaya think about highlights, huh?
I've got all the stuff we need in my room!
*Red Frown* Nipple creme...
*Green Smiley* Make-up...
*Red Frown* An electric razor...
*Red Frown* Hair extensions, fake nails, the works, you're gonna look
fabulous!
*Red Frown* Hookers have left behind all kinds of stuff at my place. We can
use it all!
*Green Smiley* All that crap!
Ione: I...I don't know...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* If I've learned one thing from Hollywood, it's this: Girls can
become instantly hotter just by taking off their glasses.
*Red Frown* Let's see if we can undo what the Ugly Stick did here. We'll
start by taking off these glasses.
*Red Frown* Let's start by taking these glasses off, so that we can assess
the damage, here...
(removes her glasses)
*Red Poo* Wait 'til you see yourself without these babies, you're gonna
dump in your pants--
*Green Smiley* Here we go! Let the transformation be--
*Red Frown* Behold, the beauty that is Io--
(puts them back on)
*Red Frown* Ahh! Back on, back on! You know what would help you, Ione, is
contacts. Let's get some, okay? That's all I'm sayin'...
*Red Frown* Oh, my God, the squinting! Uh, heh heh, you know what? Let's
keep these on for now, uh-huh? Yeah, there we go.
*Green Smiley* ...eesh. Y'know, let's uh, let's leave those on for now,
actually, kay?
Ione: My squinting's pretty bad. Do you really know how to give makeovers?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* How hard can it be?
*Red Frown* I got a mannequin at home and everything!
*Red Frown* You sure can't look any worse. What have you got to lose?
*Red Frown* Heck, by the time I'm done with you, you could be a waitress at
a strip bar, no...
*Green Smiley* By the time I'm done with you, you could be a waitress at
Hooters, no...
*Red Frown* By the time I'm done with you, you could work as a receptionist
at a modelling agency, no...
*Red Frown* You could work at a bikini bar, no, not just work. You could be
a Beer Tub Girl! Absolutely yes, you could! Those girls make crazy money,
believe me! What do you say?
*Red Maple Leaf* You could be a cheerleader for an Arena, no, Canadian
football team! The Argonauts, maybe, or the Stampeders! Anyone of them
would be lucky to have you. You could live in Edmonton, Calgary, Winnipeg.
The world would be your oyster, baby. Whaddaya say?
*Green Smiley* You could be a hostess at Hooters! And not some crappy
Hooters by the airport, either, where they have a bunch of fat chicks
working there, but I'm talkin' a downtown one near a sports stadium, where
athletes go to hook up with 18-year-old babes! How does that sound to ya?
Ione:
*Success* All right! Let's do it! Just, keep it tasteful...
*Failure 1* I'm sorry... I've got a debate this weekend, and I don't want to
get off my sleep schedule...
*Failure 2* Thanks, I've got a midterm coming up in four weeks and I really
need to study... Sorry...
Ah yes. Isn't any man proud to know they've driven a woman to becoming a
lesbian? It's rare that Larry gets a second chance with a woman, but, well,
at least Ione's definitely loosened up a bit...
=============
10A. Chat 1 =
=============
(Larry works "The Closet" in Spartacus.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Ram Riders!
*Red Dildo* Dildos! Get yer dildos here!
*Red Butt* Buttplugs! Get yer buttplugs here!
*Green Smiley* Hard Riders!
*Red Dildo* Ticklers!
*Red Frown* Ticklers!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Hey, I mall-walk, Helmut! You know that!
*Green Smiley* Hey, I Jazzercise, Helmut! You know that!
*Red Frown* Hey, I do water aerobics, Helmut! You know that!
*Green Smiley* Be the first one on your block to own Dirt Fillmore's Super-
Cock! Limited...
*Red Frown* Be the first on your block to own Muffy Clambeard's pussy!
Limited off--
*Red Butt* Be the first on your block to own Cinnamon Studbutt's signature
ass-ho--
Ione: (clears throat)
Larry (unenthused):
*Red Dildo* Hello, and welcome to "The Closet", where all custom-made dildos
come with a thirty-day money back guarantee...
*Red Frown* Hello, and welcome to "The Closet", the world's first European
sex toy concept salon.
*Green Smiley* Hello, and welcome to "The Closet", the world's only official
Swanstucker Scratch'n'Dent outlet store...
*Red Frown* My name is Larry, how may I make your next sexual encounter less
plebian...
*Green Smiley* My name is Larry, how may I help you...
*Red Frown* My name is Larry, customer service champion for the month of
April, how can I help you...
Ione: How about a strap-on?
Larry:
*Red Dildo* Ever try a Pink Prober?
*Red Frown* Yeah, sure. I actually just got a box of those wireless wrap-a-
rounds in. They're pretty nice!
*Green Smiley* Yeah, sure thing. I actually just got a box of the Ultra
Harness Two's in...
*Red Frown* If you're allergic to chrome, don't you worry, they're actually
made of titanium...
*Red Frown* Some of my customers are a little hesitant to try a glass sex
toy first, but lemme tell ya, you owe it to yourself to try one!
*Green Smiley* Some people are a little hesitant to switch over to a vacu-
lock system, but I've got customers who swear by them!
*Red Frown* Now, I'm gonna mention a dirty word, here. Warranty. Now, I
know what you're thinking, sales guys, right? But...
*Green Smiley* Let's see, uh, you look like an eight-incher...
*Red Money* We're having a special, actually! If you spend five more
dollars, I can thrown in some lavender anal beads, or...
Ione: Perhaps one with a teddy bear attached?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Sorry, don't have. Don't get many requests for those.
*Red Frown* (sigh) It's always the normal-looking ones... Uh, sorry, we don't
sell those.
*Red Frown* Heheheheh... Teddy bear with a strap-on... Heheheh... Oh man...
Sorry, uh, don't have...
*Red Frown* Y'know, that reminds me of a story. One time I was with this
girl, and we...
*Red Frown* You might wanna try the Cuddlington Teddy Bear Company. I can
give you their website...
*Green Smiley* I can give you the address to a cool website, though, that...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Wha, I, uh, remember that I had a great time... with you... uh...
I...one?
*Green Smiley* Um, um, um, um of course I do!
*Red Frown* Remember... Of course I remember! Hehehe... It's, uh, Ione,
right?
*Red Frown* Did you, uh, change your number, 'cause I tried calling a few
times to, uh, to see if you got the, uh...
*Green Smiley* I, uh, I'd been meaning to call you, actually, to see if you
got the uh, oh, uh...
*Red Frown* I have missed you so much, I, y'know, I just tried callin'!
Y-you must have just left, 'cause... And I was hopin' you got the um, uh,
the, um...
*Green Smiley* New teddy bear I sent! I figured you might be a little
weirded out by your old one, y'know? Heheh...
*Red Frown* Penis chocolates I sent! Heh. Aren't those great? I, uh...
*Red Frown* Uh, penis candles I sent! Aren't those a hoot? Hehe...
(Ione fixes Larry with an icy stare.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Hey, you're a lesbian! Congratulations!
*Green Smiley* So, you're a dyke now, huh?
*Red Frown* So, you switched teams, now, huh? Congratulations, the girls
here must be thrilled!
*Red Frown* That's great! So, are you having a coming-out party, 'cause
maybe I could bring a dessert...
*Red Frown* That's awesome! So, uh, do you swing both ways, 'cause, uh, I can
get off early...
*Green Smiley* Very nice! Y'know, we should hook up sometime.
Ione: Here's your court order... I suggest you start looking for a new
place of employment. I plan on spending a lot of time here, from now on.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Huh. I see Judge Kaisely is still givin' these out like
candy!
*Red Frown* Yes, yes, I know the drill. One hundred feet...
*Red Frown* I'm quite familiar with restraining orders, thank you.
Francine: If you even come near my friend, Ione, I'll drag you outside by
your testicles and beat you to death with a claw hammer!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Thank you, come again!
*Red Frown* Hey, stand in line, sister...
*Red Frown* H-hey. Thanks for shopping!
(A nearby vibrator goes off. Ione and the Factory Woman leave and Guy and
Helmut show up.)
Guy: Larry, we overheard everything those bitches said to you. Are you
okay?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, great! You two! So, what's with all the sudden concern?
*Red Frown* Oh, great! More gay people! Why do you guys care, anyway?
*Red Frown* Oh, great! The Gossip Queens!
*Green Smiley* I thought you guys hated me!
*Red Frown* I thought you guys hated me. You said I was the anti-gay!
*Red Frown* Wait a minute, I thought you guys were still mad at me for
opening the store late the day after Thanksgiving!
Guy: We don't hate you, sweetie. We were just being catty because we were so
attached to the last Closet boy. (sigh) Russell...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Russell...
*Red Frown* Russell! Oh, man, I swear to God, if that jerk's in the
sequel... Grr....
*Red Can* Russell? What is it with that guy? Is it the soup can or what?
Seriously!
Helmut: Larry, your disgustingness is mildly attractive to me! You may tell
us of your problems!
Guy: Let's talk trash! What happened?
Larry:
*Success* Well, it went a little something.... like this...
*Failure 1* Um, I better not. Court order, y'know. Here, uh, have a butt
balloon! It's on the house...
*Failure 2* I'm sorry, guys. It's a little too painful to rehash right
now. Here, have a buttplug! It's on the house!
=============
10B. Chat 2 =
=============
(And now, tonight, the Spartacus bar is proud to present Larry, Guy, Helmut,
Ione, and Francine, in the Spartacus production of "Lesbian Nights"!
Maestro?)
(sung to the tune of "Summer Nights" from the hit musical "Grease", all
characters are singing)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* We fell in love, but it couldn't last!
*Red Butt* I saw her naked, she has a big ass!
*Red Frown* I porked her good, then I passed gas!
Ione: Larry Lovage, nightmare from my past!
Larry:
*Red Frown* That dirty girl, took my virginty!
*Green Smiley* That girl down there, was all over me!
*Red Frown* Fat chick down there, gave me herpes!
Ione: I fell in love with his penis poetry!
Guy and Helmut: She was straight, now she turned gay, oh, oh Lesbian Nights,
oh well oh well oh well oh HUH! Tell me more, tell me more!
Helmut: Are these pretzels fat-free?
Guy and Helmut: Tell me more, tell me more!
Francine: You are what you eat! Meeeeow!
(Guy and Helmut "shoo bop bop")
Larry:
*Red Frown* She saw me naked at J.C.Penny's!
*Red Frown* I saw a midget at the Daytime Emmys!
*Green Smiley* We hooked up at the li-bra-ry!
Ione: Met him once, now I'm in therapy!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Gave her some booze, she demanded foreplay!
*Red Frown* I brought her flowers, to get some poontang!
*Green Smiley* Went to her room, she begged me to stay!
Ione: We made love, now I am gay!
Guy and Helmut: College life turned her into a dyke, ohhh, oh, Lesbian
Nights, oh well oh well oh well oh HUH! Tell me more, tell me more!
Guy: Doesn't Liza look great?
Guy and Helmut: Tell me more, tell me more!
Francine (holding up a dildo): Is this dishwasher-safe?
Guy and Helmut: Shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop,
shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop-hey!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Things got hot, she put her tongue in my ear!
*Red Money* I paid her cash, gave her a Pap Smear!
*Red Frown* We got loobed up, she put on a fake beeeard!
Ione: We played Quarters, he made me buy the beer!
Larry:
*Red Butt* Wore buttless chaps to the Gay Pride Parade!
*Green Smiley* I wore a thong, she wore lingerie!
*Red Frown* Wore lederhosen when I met Dennis Quaid!
Ione: July fourteenth is Bastille Day!
Guy and Helmut: She was straight, now she turned gay, ohhh, oh, those Lesbian
Nights! Tell me more, tell me more!
Guy: Where did you get those shoes!
Guy and Helmut: Tell me more, tell me more!
Francine: Hope Paramount doesn't sue!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Removed her sweater. Her boobies are fake...
*Red Boobs* Tore off her bra. Her nipples are fake...
*Red Boobs* We compared chests. Her aereola looked like pancakes...
Ione: I was drunk, made an awful mistake...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* We made love, 'til the break of daaawn!
*Red Butt* Tapped that ass, 'til the break of daaawn!
*Red Frown* We beat cheeks to the break of daaawn!
Ione: Three minutes, never seemed so damn looooong!
Guy and Helmut: He wore tight jeans, with a tube sock in the seam! But,
ohhh...
Everyone: Those lesbian... NIIIIIIIIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTS!!! Tell me more!
Tell me moooooooooorrreeee!!!!
Ione:
*Success* (sigh)
*Failure 1* Damn you, Lovage. Damn you to Hades...
=============
10C. Chat 3 =
=============
(Larry is talking with Ione in the Spartacus.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey, Ione. Can we talk?
*Red Frown* Hey, Ione! Good to see ya! Um, can we talk for a minute?
*Red Frown* Heeey, sweetheart! How's it hangin'? Look, uh, can we talk
alone for a minute?
*Green Smiley* I feel horrible about what happened...
*Red Frown* Now, I can't help feelin' that you're a little angry with me.
Now, that's good, it's honest, let it alllll out...
*Red Frown* Now, I don't wanna jump to any conclusions, here, but I'm bettin'
the reason you're angry, is 'cause I didn't sleep over after we porked the
other night...
Ione: Talk? You want to talk? After what you did to me? I can't even look
at Pemperton Bear anymore thanks to you...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Granted, you reacted strangely to my earnest attempt at
foreplay...
*Green Smiley* Look. I'll be the first to admit that things got a little
out of hand...
*Red Frown* Okay, okay, look, maybe I'm partially responsible for what
happened that night...
*Red Dildo* It's just... who asks a man to do them with a strap-on, y'know?
Really defeats the whole purpose of an erection in my opinion, okay?
*Green Smiley* It's just that you sorta threw me a curveball with that whole
strap-on thing...
*Red Hot Dog* It's just that... a strap-on? I mean, what's up with that?
It's like asking for a hot dog when you could have a hamburger!
Ione: Now, you listen to me, Larry Lovage. I've thought a lot about what
I'd say to you should we meet again, and I want you to know something, and
know it well. You are, without a doubt, the most selfish, disgusting,
horrid, excuse for a--
Larry:
*Red Frown* I'M A HOMOSEXUALIST!!!
*Red Frown* I LOVE MEN!!!
*Green Smiley* I'M GAY!!!
(Shots of men in the bar looking over.)
Larry's Pants: I KNEW IT!
Guy: Mamosas on the house!
Ione: Come again?
Larry:
*Red Frown* I'm a homosexualist?
*Red Frown* I love men?
*Green Smiley* I'm... gay?
*Red Frown* That's why I scarred you for life!
*Red Frown* That's why I desecrated your teddy bear!
*Green Smiley* That's... ummmm... That's why I used the teddy bear!
*Red Frown* I was afraid... I'm petrified of a-- oh, I can't even say the
word... Vaginas! Honest, I'm so sorry!
*Green Smiley* 'Cause I was still in the closet and I was scared that I
wouldn't be able to perform and you'd find out I was... gay?
*Red Frown* I was afraid! Afraid that having hot, naked, sex with an
attractive woman would turn me off to men completely, making me ineligible
to serve as the grand marshal of the Walnut Log Gay Pride Parade! You can
see my dilemma, can't you?
(Beazer suddenly appears out of nowhere.)
Ione: I don't believe you... You're a liar.
Beazer: 'Scuse me, Larry. Sorry to interrupt. I saw you from across the bar
and I just had to talk to you. It's about what happened the other day...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh yeah, uh look, Beazer...
*Red Frown* Oh, this day juuust keeps gettin' better...
*Red Frown* Oh, what the hell? Is the whole town here, tonight?
*Red Tool* I'm sorry for whatever it was I did this time, really I am! Now,
if you wanna stop by The Closet later, I'll even set you up with a free
nipple whip, but right now, I really don't have time for ya, Fred...
*Red Frown* I know what you're gonna ask, and yes it was me. I'll apologize
to the women's swim team in the morning, okay, but right now I really don't
have time to discuss it.
*Green Smiley* I'm really sorry about that, but this really isn't a good
time!
Beazer: No, no! You misunderstand! When you stripped naked and danced
around waving your private parts at me in a disrespectful manner, I learned
something! I'm attracted to men! Yeah! It's true! And I have you to
thank! Hey, you guys, wait up! My round, huh?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Y'see? What'd I tell ya? Irresistible to both sexes... It's
like a curse...
*Green Smiley* Heheh... Eh, we're just friends...
*Red Frown* See? Just... another satisfied customer, if you... know what I
mean...
Ione: My goodness, it all makes sense, now! The penis poem, the makeover, the
fact that you work in a gay bar...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Whoa... That DOES make sense, doesn't it?
*Red Lips* Welll, let's not stereotype. I'm sure lotsa straight guys love
to give makeovers, right?
*Red Frown* Maybe I AM gay!
Ione: Oh, Larry, you poor thing! I've been just awful! You must let me
make it up to you!
Larry (festive voice):
*Green Smiley* Oh, don't worry about it, really...
*Red Frown* Please, please, thweetheart, don't torture yourself tho much,
or for very long, at my expenth...
*Red Frown* Oh, thweetheart, don't be tho hard on yourthelf... I'll get
over it, in a year or two, maybe leth...
Ione: Oh, you must! I insist! I'll never forgive myself if I don't set
things right!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Well, maybe I could watch your next sexual encounter from inside
a closet...
*Green Smiley* Well, maybe you could call up some of your lesbian and
bisexual friends, and have a slumber party in my honor!
*Red Frown* Well, uh, how 'bout a catfight tournament? Y'know, with all the
lesbians, with me as a prize, huh? If we tape it, I know a website that
will give us at least three hundred dollars for it! I'll split it with ya!
*Success* Absolutely. Just let me know, soon as you're done streaking the
gay bar, and we'll go!
*Failure 1* Larry, I'd love to, but Francine here is going through a bad
breakup, and I promised we'd spend some time together. Perhaps another
weekend.
*Failure 2* Larry, that sounds wonderful, but I promised Francine here I'd
stay with her for showtunes. Perhaps another time?
******************************************************************************
11. KOKO
******************************************************************************
Ah, madamoiselle arteeest. You'll never understand the deep mysteries of her
art, nor do you give half a crap. You're just looking to get into a little
"performance art"...
=============
11A. Chat 1 =
=============
(Larry approaches Koko on the street corner. She's pretending she's in an
invisible box.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* (sarcastic) Oh... A clooown! Hilaaarious! Laugh at the funny
clown!
*Red Angry Face* Hey, Clowny McClown! Take your act elsewhere!
*Red Flag* Listen, clown! This is an honest God-fearing community! Take
your flashy free-wheeling lifestyle somewhere else!
(Koko dances back and forth and waves.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Next time you're in your little clown car, with Sandman Sims,
tell him to get bent!
*Green Smiley* Listen, I've got a message for your clown buddy, Sandman Sims.
*Red Depressed Face* I've been trying to work through my fear of clowns ever
since your buddy, Sandman Sims...
*Red Frown* Yeah, I know you clowns, flaunting convention, making the scene...
*Green Smiley* Yeah, I know all YOU people know each other...
*Red Angry Face* Was it him who put you up to this?
(Koko poses.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* It's been quite some time since I went off on one of my long,
rambling stories that have little to do with anything...
*Red Frown* Okay, story time...
*Green Smiley* Let me explain...
*Red Frown* So, I'm on Showtime at the Apollo doing a classic Hal Josen
"Mammy" routine...
*Green Smiley* So, I'm singing on Showtime at the Apollo Amateur Night...
*Red Lips* So, I'm doing my drag revue on Showtime at the Apollo all dolled
up as Bette Midler, of course...
*Red Frown* And I'm just about to bring out the Siberian Tiger...
*Red Frown* And the crowd's hoopin' and hollerin' to show they love me!
*Green Smiley* And I'm really beltin' it out!
*Green Smiley* Then this tap-dancing clown comes out with a broom...
*Red Alien* Then a portal opens up from another dimension, and a clown
tap-dances out...
*Red Frown* And I'm blindsided by a broom-wielding clown...
*Green Smiley* Obviously, some nut who slipped through security...
*Red Frown* Obviously, some janitor looking for his big break in show-biz...
*Red Frown* Obviously, one of the other contestants, jealous at my ability...
(Koko takes bows.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* So, I pretend like nothing's happening...
*Red Devil* And I'm tryin' to get Kiki Shepard's phone number...
*Green Smiley* And I'm tryin' to finish my song...
*Red Butt* But he's probing my every orifice with his broom!
*Red Frown* But he's poking me in the eye with his broom!
*Green Smiley* But he's trying to sweep me off the stage!
(Koko makes a sweeping motion.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* He's really laughin' it up...
*Red Hick Face* He thinks he's some sort of funny guy...
*Red Frown* He's laughing at me, which I hate...
*Red Frown* So I pull out my own broom, which I keep on me at all times for
just such an occasion...
*Red Frown* So my grandpa stands up from the crowd and throws me a broom!
*Green Smiley* So I, get this, grab the broom from him!
*Red Explosion* And I start beating him mercilessly with it!
*Green Smiley* And I start sweeping HIM off the stage!
*Red Frown* And I try to fly away, but I guess that only works for witches...
*Red Frown* So, the audience starts rioting...
*Green Smiley* So, the audience is booing...
*Red Frown* So, security is shooting at me with tazers...
*Red Frown* 'Cause they hate clowns, too!
*Red Frown* 'Cause they realize that I was being assaulted!
*Green Smiley* 'Cause they wanna hear the rest of my song!
*Green Smiley* So, I've got him halfway off-stage...
*Red Frown* So, I've got the clown set up for an overhook suplex...
*Red Frown* So, I've got the clown almost beaten down...
*Red Explosion* When I put him into an Inverted Atomic Drop!
*Green Smiley* When he trips over the broom!
*Red Frown* When he slips on a banana peel somebody had thrown during my
act!
*Red Frown* And he bounces a few times, but eventually lands...
*Red Depressed Face* And there's this horrible cracking sound as he falls...
*Green Smiley* And he falls into the orchestra pit!
*Green Smiley* Right on Ray Chu and the Crew!
*Red Frown* Right into a giant banana cream pie!
*Red Frown* Into a compromising position with Luther Vandross!
(Koko "checks her watch".)
Larry:
*Red Frown* So, the detective calls it a homicide...
*Green Smiley* So Steve Harvey comes out...
*Red Depressed Face* So my dad has to leave the whorehouse early to pick me
up...
*Red Frown* And he starts tap-dancing, too!
*Green Smiley* And he's yellin' at me!
*Red Frown* And he snaps my broom away from me!
*Red Frown* And I tell him that Sandman made an inappropriate remark about
my mother...
*Green Smiley* And I try to tell him that Sandman started it...
*Red Frown* And I explain that it was purely self-defense...
*Green Smiley* And he's just, like...
*Red Frown* And then the judge is all, like...
*Red Frown* And at the trial, Sandman's wife is like...
*Red Frown* "He was taking you off-stage 'cause you sucked," and...
*Red Frown* "The Clown Union isn't gonna forget this," and...
*Green Smiley* "That's Sandman's job," and...
*Green Smiley* "Sandman's seventy-six years old," and...
*Red Frown* "Sandman's got a heart condition," and...
*Red Frown* "Sandman's an expected father," and...
*Green Smiley* "You broke his hip!"
*Red Frown* "He's never gonna wake up!"
*Red Tombstone* "At least he died doing what he loved."
*Red Frown* And Giulianni bans me from the entire district of Harlem!
*Red Frown* Like they can't find another seventy-six year old tap-dancing
clown!
*Green Smiley* Sandman, Sandman, Sandman!
(Koko starts bashing her head against her invisible box.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, and apparently only Sandman's important?
*Red Frown* Everybody loves the clown!
*Red Frown* So, what, we have to respect our elders, even if they're jerks?
*Red Frown* No one even said anything about my act!
*Red Frown* What about my strained shoulder from pushing him around?
*Green Smiley* What about me?
*Green Smiley* What about my feelings?
*Red Frown* My dreams of stardom were snuffed out like a cheap... candle...
*Red Depressed Face* Even people who aren't clowns can cry on the inside...
*Red Frown* You clowns get all the breaks!
*Red Frown* I'll bet he's rolling around in his insurance settlement, right
now!
*Green Smiley* Everything has to be done for the clown!
Koko: You eediot! I am not ze clown! I am ze mime! Mime! And I know not
of which you speak, this "Sandyman" and this "Steven Harvey"...
*Green Smiley* Oh, that's just great...
*Red Frown* I should have known...
*Red Frown* Y'know, that's what's wrong with you people...
*Red Frown* Make a martyr of Sandman!
*Red Frown* You like Sandman better than me...
*Green Smiley* Take Sandman's side!
*Red Frown* Just because he's one of YOUR people!
*Green Smiley* Just because he's a clown, too!
*Red Frown* Just because your facepaint is all the same color!
Koko:
*Success* Now we do somesing zat requires you not to speak. You will mime
with me and forget your paltry troubles, and not a peep, no?
*Failure 1* (Koko "draws" a window and "slams it shut".)
*Failure 2* I AM NOT ZE CLOWN! Eediot...
=============
11B. Chat 2 =
=============
(Larry speaks to Koko at the Art Gallery. He's holding the book "Le Cousin
Bette".)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hello...
*Red Brain* I can read!
*Red Frown* I got a book!
Koko: Eh? 'Ello...
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* Yep. Just reading some book by some author...
*Green Smiley* Yep. I'm just reading the complete works of one of my
favorite classical authors!
*Red Hick Face* Yup. I'm all about readin' stuff by this guy...
*Red Cheese* Who, the librarian told me, is French!
*Green Smiley* Who, by the way, happens to be French!
*Red Cheese* And he's as French as they come!
(Larry clearly has another book hidden inside the first one.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Honor D. Balzak!
*Red Frown* You are French, right?
*Red Balls* (with a French accent) Hairy Balls of Zak!
Koko: Eh... I find Balzak's work to be ze well-sugared pieces of pedestrian
sentamentalism...
Larry (reading forcefully):
*Green Smiley* So, I haven't seen you here, before...
*Red Frown* My, that's a lovely bikini you have on...
*Red Frown* You must be here for the surfing contest...
*Green Smiley* Is this your first visit to our seaside town?
*Red Frown* Would you like to see my pet alligator?
*Red Frown* Would you like to meet the best surfer in town?
Koko: Eh? But we have met, Larry. I am ze mime you performed with on ze
street...
Larry (continues reading):
*Red Frown* Boy, this is sure a great day to be a cabana boy...
*Red Fish* Boy, I sure love the life of a seafaring man...
*Green Smiley* Boy, this is sure a great day to be at the beach...
*Red Lobster Claw* The hermit crabs in my pubic hair...
*Red Squid* The exploring tentacles of a squid in my pants...
*Green Smiley* The wind in my hair...
*Red Tombstone* Headless corpses washing up on the shore...
*Green Smiley* The sand beneath my toes...
*Red Frown* The obese Dutch tourists spilling out of their Speedos...
*Red Frown* I don't know which I'd rather have for breakfast...
*Green Smiley* I don't know which is prettier today...
*Red Frown* I don't know which is more likely to be eaten by an alligator.
*Red Poo* The brown or yellow sand, or the streams of brown or yellow human
waste leaking from the outhouse?
*Green Smiley* The blue or green water, or your blue or green eyes?
*Red Frown* The black or white stones, or my black or white children?
Koko: Your pathetic attempts at flattery cause me to break out in... raucous
laughter! Ha! Haha!
Larry (continues reading):
*Green Smiley* I've got an extra boogie board...
*Red Frown* I invented a hoverboard...
*Red Frown* I recently purchased a bulletin board...
*Red Frown* I'll sell it to you for a nickel...
*Red Cuffs* I'll pay you fifty bucks to handcuff me and whip me with it...
*Green Smiley* Would you like to bodysurf?
*Green Smiley* Remember, reader, before you ask her...
*Red Frown* Remember, idiot...
*Red Boobs* Remember, don't stare directly at her breasts, and...
*Red Money* Make sure she has enough money to buy you a board, too...
*Red Hick Face* Don't quote directly from the book...
*Green Smiley* Buy a board at Toys R Us, or...
Koko: What is zis? Is this what you commoners consider to be, ze funny?
Like Jerry Lewis funny, ha ha? I laugh at only your pathetic absurdity. Ha.
Haha.
(The book "How to Pick Up Chicks" falls from Larry's hands.)
Larry (continues reading):
*Red Explosion* Hulk, smash puny humans!
*Green Smiley* My Spider Sense is tingling...
*Red Frown* Wonder Twin powers, activate!
Koko: Wha? You've lost me in ze sad depths of your confusion!
(A comic book falls from Larry's hands.)
Larry (continues reading):
*Red Frown* Oil up the nipple clamps...
*Red Splat* Get a generous dollop of Vaseline...
*Green Smiley* Hold onto your shorts...
*Green Smiley* And prepare for the world's filthiest ball-draining collection
of barely-legals this side of...
*Red Splat* And prepare for the world's filthiest ball-draining collection of
Asian pre-op transsexuals...
*Red Frown* And prepare for the world's filthiest ball-draining collection of
over-sixties!
(The magazine "Assgasm" falls from Larry's hands.)
Koko: What is zis "ball-draining"?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Mr. T says, "I pity the fool who don't read!"
*Green Smiley* Mr. T says, "I pity the fool who don't read!"
*Red Frown* Mr. T says, "I pity the fool who don't read!"
Koko:
*Success* Brilliant! Your post-performance art distorts the familiarity of
traditional bourgeious mating symbols by ze use of borrowed subjournal text
outside the traditional milieu. I am humbled to bathe in ze golden light of
your genius! You are ze sun! Ze egg! Ze police of ze police!
*Failure 1* A fine... attempt, but it lacks ze necessary potential to be
true art! Go away...
*Failure 2* Feh! Your purile attempts at performance art fall as flat as my
chest! Go back to Plaid Mart, you synaptically lacking sellout!
=============
11C. Chat 3 =
=============
(Larry brings Koko back to his room.)
Koko: Oooo! Zis room... is beautifully ironic! Zis professional wrestler
poster alone is a wonderful stab at what the plebs call art!
Larry:
*Red Frown* B'andre the Giant's body was a work of art...
*Green Smiley* That's B'andre the Giant...
*Red Foot* B'andre the Giant's mule kick was art in motion...
*Red Ruler* He's over seven feet tall...
*Green Smiley* He's French...
*Red Frown* He sold the WWF title to Ted DiBiase...
*Red Frown* Like you and the Ayatollah Khameli...
*Red Frown* Like you and my biological father...
*Green Smiley* Like you...
Koko: Yes... Like...me...
Larry:
*Red Cheese* C'mon! Children in France are taught in elementary school who
B'andre the Giant is!
*Red Frown* C'mon... B'andre the Giant is ten franc note...
*Green Smiley* Wait, you're French and you don't know who B'andre the Giant
is?
*Green Smiley* He was the president of your country from 1981 to 1988!
*Red Frown* He invented saltwater taffy!
*Red Tombstone* He assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand!
*Red Frown* When he died, they found thirty-six dollars in change and a full
brontosaurus skeleton in his stomach!
*Green Smiley* He abolished the death penalty and put in legislation the
punishment of the public mule kick!
*Red Tent* He demolished George Hamilton's ski lodge with his bare hands,
because he said it was obstructing his view of the mountain!
Koko: Oh! Yes, yes of course, he was! How could I forget, mm?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Gotcha! That was Francois Mieterand! Heheheh!
*Red Frown* Gotcha! That was Charles DeGaulle! Heheheh!
*Red Frown* Gotcha! That was Napoleon Bonaparte! Heheheh!
Koko: He...hey... You are a funny one, you are!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Hey, what about King Ding-dong, huh? Hehehe!
*Red Cheese* Hey, what about Mayor McCheese, hehehe!
*Green Smiley* Hey, what about Prime Minister Pepe le Pew, hehehe!
Koko (losing accent): Yeah, yeah... yeah, I get it, I GET IT, all right? You
got me! I'm not from France! I'm from... North Dakota!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey... There's no shame in that...
*Red Frown* Oh, you poor thing...
*Red Frown* That sucks...
*Red Alien* It's better than livin' on Mars, though. They don't even have
liquid water, there, and you've got...
*Red Frown* It could be worse, you could live in South Dakota! You've got...
*Green Smiley* North Dakota's a great state! You've got...
*Green Smiley* Hey... you're crying! What's wrong?
*Red Frown* Say, stop crying! North Dakota isn't that bad!
*Red Frown* Oh boy, here come the water works. What is it, now?
Koko: It's just back in Cannes everyone seems so cool, but when I came back
they're all like, "You're just a poser!" and "Fuck the French!" (sobs)
*Red Brain* My shrink says it's perfectly healthy to pretend... until the
age of seven or eight...
*Green Smiley* Listen, there's no shame in pretending...
*Red Frown* If you want a fake life, that's okay! They have pills for that,
now...
*Red Japan* My name's not even Larry! It's YASUHIRO!!
*Green Smiley* I do it all the time!
*Red Cheese* If they can't understand that being a sad little imitation of a
frog is who you are...
*Red Tombstone* One time, I pretended to be my grandma's body at her funeral!
*Green Smiley* One time, I even pretended to be Tom Brokaw's dog to spy on
him!
*Red Frown* One time, I pretended to be a quarter horse, and I entered myself
into the Kentucky Derby!
*Green Smiley* But, I digress...
*Red Poo* Everyone got mad when I pooped on the lawn...
*Red Frown* And boy, when the cops came, I sure had some explainin' to do!
Koko: You, too? It's so nice to find a guy that's so understanding. We have
so much in common, Larry. I feel... comfortable with you... Larry... I
have a perfectly naughty idea... (she kneels down in front of him)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Yeah? What?
*Red Frown* You wanna go on a fridge raid?
*Red Egg* Me too! Let's egg Abrahamson's car!
Koko (muffled): Stop... wiggling... around so much!
*Red Frown* Ohhh! Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman consummating their marraige
on a baseball field!
*Red Balls* Ohhh! The cast of Golden Girls playing baseball naked!
*Green Smiley* Ohhh! Nuns playing baseball!
*Red Wang* Pinch hitters rubbing their thick throbbing bats!
*Green Smiley* Barely legal lesbo nuns! Throbbing on the mound!
*Red Frown* Finally making it all the way to home base!!
*Success* You like that?
*Failure 1* Koko: I can't do this... You've really got to do something about
your overwhelmingly offensive genital odor...
*Failure 2* Larry: Uh, uh, sorry to interrupt, but I have really gotta go to
the bathroom...
******************************************************************************
12. LUBA
******************************************************************************
The embodiment of the term "village bicycle". Luba is the classic party
girl, always half-drunk, and always in the mood for a little public
stimulation. The question is, can you convince her into your more private
lifestyle?
=============
12A. Chat 1 =
=============
(Larry approaches Luba at the Power Station Bar.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Woooo hoooooo hooo!
*Red Frown* Who wants to freakin' party!!! Yeah, all right!!
*Red Butt* You smell like ass!
Luba: Oh my GOD! I know you! You're the kid that got banned from the
laundromat, aren't you?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Stupid campus newspaper... Didn't even wanna hear my side of
the story... Listen, I can explain...
*Red Angry Face* Dammit, that was three years ago, when will it die! Um...
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, uh... Look, I can explain...
*Green Smiley* Me? Oh no-no-no. That was a total misunderstanding! I can
explain!
*Red Frown* Some girl left some bras in a washer I was using. They were nice,
too! Seam-free. Micro-gel underwire. Comfort straps. Espresso color.
(clears throat) Very classy, right?
*Green Smiley* A girl left some bras in a dryer I was using. Now, I don't
know about you, but I never trust those Lost & Founds, so I thought, being
the nice guy that I am, I'd hang onto them and try to find the owner, myself.
*Red Frown* All the dryers in the place were full, so I took some lingerie and
some panties out of one that was finished, and moved them to a table. Then
I thought, eh, why not be a nice guy and fold 'em.
*Red Frown* Well, I always smell my laundry when it's done to make sure it's
really clean, right? 'Cause sometimes those washers do a crappy job. Well,
I didn't want this girl ripped off, so I grabbed an article of clothing at
random, and sniffed.
*Red Splat* Well, I'm very allergic to certain kinds of fabric softener, so
while I was looking at them to see if they had a nametag or something, I
thought I was gonna sneeze! And on pure instinct, I brought the panties I
was holding to my nose! Now, I admit, it looked bad, but...
*Green Smiley* Well, in walks this girl and, right away, she starts carrying
on and calling me a pervert! You think she woulda thanked me, but nooooo!
Luba: That is so cool! You... are a wild man!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Really? Well, yeah! My lawyer says I have practically an
airtight case if I wanna sue. That laundromat violated my rights! Trashed
my rep pretty good!
*Red Angry Face* Now you take that ba-- uh, I am? Uh, yes, I am! I'm a
total wild man!
*Green Smiley* I am? I mean, I am! Oh, totally!
*Red Frown* Hey, if you're in there sometime, could you see if I still have
the high score on Bubble Bobble? My initials are P-E-E.
*Red Frown* Hey, you think sometime when you're in there and nobody's looking,
you think you could take down that warning poster that has that drawing of
me on it? I'd pay ya, of course...
*Green Smiley* Actually, I can't do my laundry anywhere on campus anymore.
Luba: God! The last time I did laundry I got so hammered, I ended up having
sex with a janitor guy in one of the dryers! Ahh... Can't go there anymore,
either.
*Green Smiley* Wow! We really do have a lot in common! Eh, except with the
"sex with the janitor" part, of course. (aside) Say, maybe I do have a shot,
here...
*Red Frown* You had sex with Carl? That dude's at least fifty! And he has
the longest nose-hairs I've ever seen on a human being! (aside) Say, maybe
I do have a shot, here...
*Red Frown* You had sex with Old Man McAllister? That guy has two fake hips,
Tourette's Syndrome, and a club foot! Heheh... Hey... (aside) Maybe I got
a shot, here...
Luba: So, how 'bout you? Ever got off in public?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Me, heck yeah! I've spread my seed from one end of this campus
to the other!
*Green Smiley* Oh yeah, sure! I've gotten off on the roof of my dorm, uh,
let's see...
*Red Splat* Oh yeah! I've dropped a lot of baby batter on this campus, uh,
let's see...
*Red Japan* The Japanese Rock Garden, Dental Musuem, half the closets in the
Mayan Student Center, um...
*Green Smiley* The library, the computer lab, oh, Dental Museum, and the
art gallery...
*Red Frown* Half the restrooms for sure. Uh, the Dental Museum. Oh, most of
the closets in the Student Center. Oh, and once sitting in the back of the
Student Theater during a Freshman Orientation Seminar!
Luba: The Dental Museum? I've always wanted to do it inside the Dental
Museum! How was it?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Huh. Not great. They have this really annoying Doc Holiday
animatronic in there, now. I couldn't concentrate too well.
*Green Smiley* It was cool. Except I almost got caught...
*Red Frown* Not so good. Apparently, they have tours, now...
*Red Frown* Some visiting historian got all in a huff and called the cops...
*Green Smiley* A security guard caught me with my pants down...
*Red Frown* Assistant Dean Abrahamson spotted me and went berserk! He
threatened to beat me to death with a fire extinguisher!
*Red Frown* Hey, did you know that ancient Mesopotamians thought cavities
were caused by tooth worms? Heh heh, what a bunch of dumbasses!
*Green Smiley* I barely outran him!
*Red Frown* Thank God for sweatpants! You know, you can still run pretty
fast with those suckers, even if they're down around your ankles!
Luba: Ahahaha! Oh, man! What happened to the chick?
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* Hm? Oh no. I was mas-tur-bating!
*Green Smiley* Chick? Whaddaya talkin' ab-- Oh, chick! Yeah! The chick.
She, uh, finished early, so she left before I did! Y'know gosh, I feel like
I'm just talking about myself here, uh, what about you?
*Red Frown* Hmm? Chick? No, see, I was jerrrr...uh....je-jerking her, and
she left all in a huff... Boy, I really feel like I'm going on and on here,
uh, what about you? Where have you, uh, gotten off?
Luba: Oh, man, do I miss having sex in public! My last boyfriend was the
biggest prude, and his sister was even worse!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Heheheh. You should try the trampoline on the main green
sometime. Lots of couples go there around three, four in the morning, when
they think no one's watching.
*Red Splat* Heheheh, y'know, sometimes I'll watch the trampoline outside the
sorority house with my telescope, and just masturbate for hours on end!
Sometimes when I'm finished, I'll even send them a dozen roses! Oh, if they
only knew...
*Red Frown* I have this little trampoline in my room. Sometimes I'll jump
naked in front of my window, and think to myself, "I wonder how many gay
men are looking at me, right now?"
Luba: Wow! I had my first threesome on a trampoline!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* We really do have a lot in common!
*Red Devil* Well, it's high time you had another!
*Red Frown* Six cheers for double penetration!
*Red Butt* Whaddaya say to a round of grab-ass on the rectangle?
*Green Smiley* Hey, you wanna get outta here and take a bounce with me?
*Red Sombrero* How 'bout we go hit Taco Bell and then go for a bounce?
Anything on the value menu, my treat!
*Red Frown* There's actually a trampoline nearby. Now, I'm not supposed to
use it on account of my asthma, but, heh, what the hey. Whaddaya say?
*Red Frown* There's a trampoline nearby. A homeless friend of mine has some
wine buried under the bushes next to it. He won't mind if we take some.
*Green Smiley* Y'know, there's a trampoline not far from here...
Luba:
*Success* Wait! W-wait! Three quick shots of Tequila, then let's hit it!
*Failure 1* Thanks, but, I'm kinda s'posed to meet this guy, tonight, if he
can get his ankle bracelet off...
*Failure 2* I would, but I promised the bartender I'd have sex in front of
his roommates later. I'd invite you, but y'know, it's his house, so I'd
feel awkward...
=============
12B. Chat 2 =
=============
(Larry and Luba are chatting at the Power Station Bar.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey, Luba! How's it goin'?
*Red Hot Dog* Word up, Cheddar Dog! How's it hangin'?
*Red Frown* Heeey. There's my little hooch-hound. How's it going?
Luba: Oh, hey Larry! Not bad, just a little tired. This guy I slept with
last night had an incredibly huge cock, not to mention the stamina of a bull,
so my jaw is sore, and I can barely walk, but other than that, things are
cool. How are you?
Larry:
*Red Frown* That's... that's uh... wow, that's really great that you can
share that with me, uh... yeah...
*Green Smiley* Um... I, uh... Fine, I guess...
*Red Frown* Um, pretty much the same, I mean, y'know. Things are... cool
with me, too.
*Red Frown* I was just wondering, um, maybe if you're feeling better later,
um...
*Green Smiley* I was just gonna see if you wanted to, um...
*Red Wang* Uh, I was just gonna see if, uh... wow... Can you really talk
about weiners in a Sierra game?
Luba: I mean, I've seen ones that were longer. Just barely, but that was
definitely the thickest piece of salami I have ever pulled down. And it's
not like he was just a rammer. He really knew how to ease things in and
out. He... was hung... like a giraffe. You wanna see a Polaroid?
Larry:
*Red Lips* Yes... I mean... Yes... I mean no, no!
*Red Frown* Maybe I'll wait, y'know, until you have an album of them, or
something, then I can just look at them all at once, right?
*Green Smiley* Yeah... I mean... No...
*Red Ruler* But, uh, size doesn't really matter, though, right? Hehe, right?
*Green Smiley* Uh, I was actually hoping maybe we could, uh, get together,
uh, I guess?
*Red Frown* So, uh, do you need some ice packs or something? Uh... or a...
Luba: And this guy was small, too, about your size? I never would have
guessed! We did it for six straight hours! I had thirty-two orgasms, he
had seven, and then he wanted to stick it in my...
Larry:
*Red Wang* Enough with the penis talk, already. I get it, okay?
*Red Frown* Jeezum crow, I get it!
*Green Smiley* Okay, I get it, I understand!
*Red Frown* Who the Hell was this guy? Peter North?
*Red Ruler* Y'know it was probably a fake, anyway! They have all kinds of
extensions, nowadays! Trust me, I know!
*Green Smiley* You enjoyed yourself! Immensely! Thanks to his giant rod!
I get it!
*Red Frown* Describe his weiner for ten more minutes, why doncha? Geez!
*Green Smiley* Can we please just change the subject, now?
*Red Brain* Do you ever not tell people every single thing that's on your
mind, huh?
Luba: Jerry... What's wrong, dude? You seem upset!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Well, yeah, I was all excited about tonight, hoping you'd be
here, and we'd get to hang out!
*Red Depressed Face* Well, duh, I've been trying to ask you out this whole
time. I had a rap worked out, and everything. It was about... provolone...
*Red Frown* Well, that's because I like you, and I don't wanna hear about
how you got laid last night! Huh... It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Luba: I'm sorry, Harry, really. I tend to forget how guys fall for me. I
remember this one time I met this really amazing guy at my cousin's funeral.
He had balls the size of grapefruits! Ohhh! But, he smelled horrible.
Larry:
*Red Balls* Heh heh. That's why I use talcum powder on mine!
*Green Smiley* You're doing it again!
*Red Balls* Well, I always say heat, sweat, and friction, are the three main
enemies to good scrotal health.
*Red Money* Look, uh, normally I pay to hear this kinda stuff, but I've...
had enough for today...
*Green Smiley* Look, I really don't wanna hear about it...
*Red Frown* Look, uh, my head's really swimming right now. I just don't
think I have enough room, for another description of some dude's equipment.
*Red Frown* Let's change the subject to something I can participate in
instead of just sex, okay?
*Green Smiley* Let's talk about something else...
*Red Ruler* Who needs some oversized sex machine to keep them happy, huh? I
mean, once the sex gets boring, what do you have to talk about, huh? Now,
with me, you get all kinds of stimulating conversation.
*Green Smiley* Did you ever collect coins? I have this amazing serie--
*Red Fish* You got any pets? Oh, man. Our cat, Pee, hates bats! You
should see--
*Red Frown* Are you into model trains at all? I got a set at home that I've
been trying to bring to the dorms, but my RA says they're fire hazards, and
I've tried explaining, but oh no, he won't hear it!
Luba: Look, Terry. This isn't gonna work. If there's gonna be this sexual
tension between us, I think maybe it'd be better to just...
Larry:
*Red Frown* (covers ears) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
*Green Smiley* No, no no no. It's cool!
*Red Frown* Oh, I knew it. Here comes the "Friend Speech".
*Red Frown* Please don't dump me! Please?
*Green Smiley* We can remain friends!
*Red Cheese* Why do I even bother not showering? My natural pheromones don't
work for crap!
*Red Frown* Please! I'm so lonely! Oh... I think I'm gonna be sick...
*Green Smiley* I swear, I am not in love with you, I promise!
*Red Frown* Why does everything bad happen to me, stupid fortune-tellers!
Luba: Dude, chill. I was gonna say we should just have sex...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Pity sex! Yes! Thank you!
*Green Smiley* What? Really? Wow, uh, for free?
*Red Frown* Finally! Aw geez, whatsa guy gotta do to get laid around here?
*Red Frown* I knew it! I knew you wanted to jump my bones from the first
second you saw me! Admit it! Come on!
*Green Smiley* So you DO feel something for me!
*Red Frown* Take THAT, high school yearbook staff! Oho, if they could see
me now!
*Red Note* Well, let's go back to my place, I've got the perfect mix tape.
(sings) Now, I'm nooot like thiisss! I'm really kinda shyyy!
*Green Smiley* Maybe we can make some memories of our own!
*Red Frown* This is fantastic. I am so happy! This could not have worked
out bet...ter... Hey, you don't have any girlfriends, do you?
Luba: Yeah, okay, whatever. Can we do it doggy-style?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Doggy-style. Wheelbarrow. Suspension bridge. You name it,
I've studied it!
*Green Smiley* Yeah, sure, cool, okay! So, what's next?
*Red Frown* Oh, this is perfect! You're like, really perfect, y'know that?
It's like I'm living in a porno! Woo!
*Red Boobs* So, uh, can I feel your boobies, now?
*Green Smiley* What do we do? How do we start?
*Red Butt* Is anal off-limits? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for
anything. I just wanna know what my boundaries are...
Luba:
*Success* Not so fast, dude! I'm gonna need lots and lots of alcohol!
Beer's not gonna cut it. I need something stronger. You make me a drink
and hurry before I change my mind.
*Failure 1* Uh, actually, do you mind if I take a raincheck? My knees are
still a little raw from last night. We'll give a try in a few days, maybe.
*Failure 2* Ugh, y'know, on second thought... can I take a raincheck? I
really need to ice myself down before I get laid again...
=============
12C. Chat 3 =
=============
(Luba and Larry are on a bench in the Greek Quad.)
Luba: Heh-hey! That tickles!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Just one second...
*Red Frown* Hang on. You don't have a broadsword or a poleax, do ya?
*Red Frown* Hang on. I'm gonna use my teeth.
Luba: Having trouble back there?
*Green Smiley* No, just a minute...
*Red Frown* I think I'm gonna have to call a locksmith!
*Red Frown* Three hooks? Now, I've seen everything!
*Green Smiley* Geez, do they ever consider velcro?
*Red Frown* Does this count as foreplay?
*Red Frown* Man, you practice for the big day, and then, Choke City!
(The Commissar appears behind Larry.)
The Commissar: Psst. Larry. Larry...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Commissar? Hey, get outta here, man?
*Red Frown* What, Commissar? Is that you?
*Red Cheese* Commissar? Aw, man. I knew I smelled urine...
*Green Smiley* Can't you see I'm busy?
*Red Brain* You just broke my concentration!
*Red Cheese* Your stench is giving me a hard-off!
The Commissar: Oh... I see. Hey, Luba. How you been, baby? Larry. Got a
nickel?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Will it get you to leave?
*Red Money* What am I, the Bank of England? Will you get the hell outta
here?
*Red Frown* If I do, will you promise to stop rubbing yourself and get outta
here?
The Commissar: Hey, man! Like, I ain't never been here in the first place!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* All right, all right, lemme check here.
*Red Frown* There's the homeless for ya. Always wanting something for
nothing.
*Red Frown* Why do you always bother me for money at the most inappropriate
of times, huh? When I'm in the shower, on the toilet, sleeping...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Now, I know I had some change left over...
*Red Frown* You got change for a dime?
*Red Frown* Now, instead of corn liquor, I'm gonna suggest you invest in
some Depends.
(Beazer appears.)
Beazer: Hey, what's goin' on here! Whoa, whoa, let me ask you three, does
this look like appropriate campus conduct?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* We're members of the university Three-Man Bobsled team. Just
getting in some pre-winter practice...
*Red Frown* Well, I don't know, Beazer. How 'bout taking bribes from the
Physics Department, to let them throw cock fights in the basement of the
Math Museum. Is that appropriate campus conduct?
*Red Lips* I dunno, Beazer. How 'bout picking up prostitutes in a
university-owned vehicle! Is that appropriate campus conduct?
Beazer: Ohhh, so you're a joker, huh? All right, come on. Tell me jokes!
Luba: Fred! Can't you see we're trying to fuck here?
Beazer: Miss, I do not need to hear that word. It's disrespectful to me,
disrespectful to you, and disrespectful to the university.
Luba: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Beazer, uh, don't Assisant Dean Abrahamson's shoes need a
shine, or something?
*Red Frown* Beazer, doesn't Dean Biggler's grandmother need a ride to her
hair appointment or something?
*Red Butt* Beazer, uh, shouldn't you be wiping Dean Biggler's ass-form or
something?
Beazer: You wanna disrespect the public safety officer, Mr. Lovage? I'm
through playin' games!
Russell: Ahahahaha!
Larry:
*Success* Can everyone please just get the hell out of here?
Luba: Larry, let's go back to your place...
*Failure 1* Can everyone please leave? Bucephalis isn't used to performing
in front of an audience!
*Failure 2* What the hell are you doing here, Russell? Did Louisiana Hayride
just get out?
******************************************************************************
13. MORGAN
******************************************************************************
A geek's total dream. A sultry woman, a nice body, and a total geekazoid.
Expect your favorite sci-fi and fantasy references to pop up when dealing
with this "Chaotic Good Half-Elven Sorceress".
=============
13A. Chat 1 =
=============
(Larry approaches Morgan with some coffee.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, what a predicament I'm in...
*Red Frown* Oh, what a pickle I'm in!
*Red Depressed Face* Man, my life sucks!
*Green Smiley* I have here two Choco-Mocha Creme Lattes...
*Red Frown* Why I have here two steaming piles of beany goodness...
*Red Frown* I have tasted the creamy goodness of these two coffees...
*Green Smiley* Yet there's only one of me...
*Red Frown* I have a really small bladder...
*Red Frown* I am but a puny little man...
*Green Smiley* If only someone would aid me in this horrible predicament!
*Red Frown* If only these were a favorite drink of someone nearby...
*Red Frown* If only someone would fall for my transparent scheme...
Morgan: Did you say Choco-Mocha Creme Latte? Yeah, I'll take it off your
hands. Those are, like, my favorite!
*Green Smiley* It's good to find a woman who shares my refined tastes...
*Red Frown* It's so good to find a woman who'll fall for my trick...
*Red Boobs* It's good to find a woman with a nice rack...
*Red Frown* Y'know, this morning, I was at home masturbating...
*Green Smiley* Y'know, this morning, I was at home reading...
*Red Drunk Face* Y'know, this morning, I was at home with a hangover...
*Green Smiley* And as I pored through my much dog-eared copy of "The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", I...
*Red Boobs* And as I read the back of the Girls Gone Wild tape, I...
*Red Frown* And as I flipped through the Kama Sutra, I...
Morgan: Really? That's my favorite book!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yeah, yeah. Ever since you got it on your thirteenth birthday,
I know...
*Red Frown* Uh, no it's your second favorite...
*Green Smiley* Why, yes it is!
*Red Brain* But, it's not like I'm some sorta nerd...
*Green Smiley* But, uh, don't get the impression that I'm some bookish
sort...
*Red Frown* But, really, I'm one of those people who's too cool for books...
*Red Frown* ...y'know, all "tea-time" and "limp wrists" and "getting in touch
with feelings"...
*Red Frown* ...y'know, with pocket protectors and chess club who never gets
laid...
*Green Smiley* ...who does nothing but read all day long...
*Green Smiley* I also spend time with my other interests...
*Red Frown* I also pretend to have other interests...
*Red Frown* There's lots of other things I learned in prison...
*Green Smiley* Eating Boo-Berry cereal...
*Red Cuffs* Dressing up Barbie dolls in bondage gear...
*Red Frown* Eating strawberry shortcake...
*Green Smiley* And buying Dukes of Hazzard lunchboxes off EBay!
*Red Frown* And buying used underwear on EBay!
*Red Frown* And selling my used underwear on EBay!
Morgan: Okay, that's a bit too familiar... Do I know you?
Larry:
*Red Frown* No, but I do stalk you...
*Red Devil* Carnally? Heh, not yet...
*Green Smiley* Probably...
*Red Frown* Uh, would you like to get to know me better? Carnally?
*Red Devil* So, you, me, some sweet lovin'? Interested?
*Green Smiley* Hey, uh, you wanna go somewhere and talk about it?
*Red Frown* And uh, have sex?
*Green Smiley* Uh, like a date?
*Red Frown* I'll strip first...
Morgan: A date?.... I dunno... You don't seem too weird, but, isn't this a
bit sudden? I don't know if I could hang out with someone who I only know
in real life. Shouldn't we IM or MORPG a little first?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Um, eh, oh, I know!
*Red Boobs* What'd you say? I was too busy staring at your ample bosom...
*Red Frown* I'd like to "MM" your "RPG"! Or uh...
*Red Frown* We could shave each other's armpits...
*Red Frown* We could dress up like plumbers!
*Green Smiley* We could sneak down to the library sub-basement...
*Green Smiley* And have a picnic in the old sewer tunnel!
*Red Frown* And explore each others bodies while we explore the sewer
tunnels!
*Red Cheese* And hang around in stinky poo-gas!
*Red Rat* We could attack some rats while we're down there!
*Red Frown* I'm gettin' a wee bit hoooot just thinkin' about it...
*Green Smiley* It could be quite an adventure!
Morgan: What? I just did that last week! How do you even know about those
tunnels?
Larry:
*Red Alien* Why, it's like we've had a Vulcan mind meld!
*Green Smiley* It's like I've known you all my life!
*Red Frown* It's like I'm not the only one in these pants...
*Green Smiley* We both have a crush on B'andre the Giant...
*Red Frown* We both lost our virginity to Scotty Peters...
*Red Frown* We both use super-absorbant Kotex, with wings!
*Red Frown* Our favorite fruit is George Michael!
*Green Smiley* Our favorite fruit is the kumquat!
*Red Frown* Our favorite fruit is Bolivia!
Morgan: Have you been reading my website?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Web? Wha? Who? Whaddaya? Wha?
*Red Frown* I wouldn't say "reading" so much as "oggling"...
*Red Frown* Do you really think I'd use my computer for something other than
porn? Hello!
*Red Frown* Okay, look. I may have been stalking you, a little...
*Red Frown* Okay, look. I may have spent over forty-eight hours straight
staring at it...
*Green Smiley* Okay, look. I may have stumbled onto it, once...
*Red Brain* And maybe it was because I did a search for "hot young nerd
chicks".
*Green Smiley* And maybe it was because I heard you sometimes left your
webcam on while you were changing...
*Red Frown* And maybe it was because I got turned on a little bit by your baby
pictures...
*Red Boobs* But even after I realized that was Luba's website I was thinking
of...
*Red Frown* But even after I found out that you didn't have a "Members Only"
section...
*Green Smiley* But after a few weeks of waiting for that to happen again...
*Red Frown* I started to come back, because you gave out details of your
sex life.
*Green Smiley* I started to come back, because I really liked reading what
you wrote!
*Red Hick Face* I started to come back, because I heard you liked dorky
guys...
*Red Frown* I feel like you're me, if I had been a chick...
*Red NO Sign* I feel like you're the sister I never had incest with...
*Green Smiley* I think we've bonded in ways I never thought I could with a
girl who doesn't know I exist.
Morgan: Wow, I have my own... creepy stalker fanboy...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Is that so wrong?
*Red Frown* Do, you, uh, think you'll call the cops?
*Red Frown* You think I'm some creepy pervert?
Morgan:
*Success* Kinda, but I guess it's sorta cute. At least you have the balls
to ask me out. All my guy-friends wanna bang me, but they're too scared to
even ask...
*Failure 1* According to local sexual harrassment laws, yes...
*Failure 2* I thought "creepy stalker" kinda summed up my opinion on that...
=============
13B. Chat 2 =
=============
(Larry leads Morgan into his room. She looks around.)
Morgan: Oh, wow! Is that a B'andre the Giant poster?
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* Poster? What poster?
*Green Smiley* I think so!
*Red Frown* B'andre the... who?
*Green Smiley* Well, it was up here when I moved in...
*Red Frown* Y'know, I keep tellin' the janitor to stop puttin' up posters in
my room!
*Red Frown* Honestly, I haven't been here in a few weeks, who knows?
Morgan: Heh, I used to have such a crush on him as a kid. After my dad took
me to Wrestlemania, I wrote "Morgan loves B'andre" like a million times on
my Trapper Keeper...
Larry:
*Red Frown* So did I!
*Red Frown* You had a Trapper Keeper, too?
*Green Smiley* Really?
*Red Balls* My grandpa, he was a peanut vendor at B'andre the Giant's private
baseball stadium...
*Green Smiley* My grandpa, he was a peanut vendor at Wrestlemania IV...
*Red Frown* My grandpa always said he had a dream where he was a peanut
vendor...
*Red Frown* And he was invited to the cast party after...
*Red Frown* He and B'andre really hit it off...
*Green Smiley* And he went into the shower there...
*Green Smiley* And he said B'andre the Giant's weiner was like a foot long!
*Red Ruler* And he said B'andre the Giant's weiner was only, like, three
inches long!
*Red Frown* And he said B'andre the Giant was the best lay he ever had!
Morgan: Heh, if your grandfather was a peanut vendor, what was he doing in
the wrestler's locker room?
*Red Frown* Okay, okay, so the whole "stalker" thing kinda runs in the
family...
*Red Wang* Okay, when I say "peanut vendor", you need to look for the double
meaning, okay?
*Green Smiley* Um, my mom said I wasn't supposed to talk about it with
anyone outside the family...
Morgan: Anyway... Did you know B'andre was over seven feet tall?
Larry:
*Red Ruler* He was a little taller than me...
*Red Frown* And he had a posse!
*Green Smiley* Seven foot, two inches...
*Green Smiley* Five hundred and forty pounds...
*Red Frown* And he weighed more than my Aunt Mabel!
*Red Frown* But, it's not like being taller makes you a better person...
*Green Smiley* See, he suffered from acromegaly...
*Red Frown* See, he had a really bad eating problem...
*Red Frown* He suffered from melbolalaby...
*Red Maple Leaf* A rare disease that causes nearby plants to burst into
song!
*Red Frown* A rare disease that makes you really tall, and big, and kick a
lot...
*Green Smiley* A rare disease that results in an over-abundance of growth
hormones...
Morgan: You sure know a lot about B'andre the Giant...
*Red Frown* More than any man alive!
*Green Smiley* I should!
*Red Frown* More than I'd like to...
*Red Frown* See, me and B'andre are brothers, separated at birth...
*Green Smiley* See, me and B'andre are best friends...
*Red Frown* See, me and B'andre are blood brothers...
Morgan: Uhhh, don't you mean "were"?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, we still are...
*Red Frown* Oh, y-yeah, I do...
*Red Frown* You don't believe me?
(starts dialing)
*Red Frown* He should just be getting home after helping my mom with her
back problem...
*Green Smiley* I'll call him on the phone, right now...
*Red Frown* There's no way a phone call can be fake...
(into phone)
*Red Frown* Hello, B'andre the Giant? Uh, pretend you know me...
*Red Frown* Yeah, Andrette. Is your Daddy home?
*Green Smiley* Helloooo, B'andre the Giant? This is Larry...
*Red Frown* Oh, you and my mom are wrestling right now?
*Green Smiley* Oh, you and Bulk Bogan are wrestling right now, huh?
*Red Frown* Oh, you're in the locker room with my grandpa right now...
*Red Frown* Tell "The Bulkster" he owes me licensing rights for stealing my
move!
*Red Frown* Tell "The Bulkster" that I accept his apology over the time he
got mad because he couldn't accept that I was so much cooler than him...
*Green Smiley* Tell "The Bulkster" I'm sorry for kickin' his wimpy butt last
year...
(to Morgan)
*Red Frown* He's telling Bulk Bogan to get a life!
*Red Frown* He's telling Bulk Bogan you like him!
*Green Smiley* He's telling Bulk Bogan what I said!
Operator (from in phone): If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and
try again. If you need help, hang up, and then dial your operator.
Larry (into phone):
*Red Frown* Well, I don't think she's buying it...
*Green Smiley* Oh, really? That's nice, B'andre the Giant...
*Red Frown* Oh, really? That's nice, B'andre the Giant...
*Red Frown* I love you too, snookums...
*Green Smiley* (sniff) I think you're my best friend, too... (sniff)
*Red Frown* See ya next Thanksgiving, old buddy...
*Red Frown* Ah, well, I'm almost outta minutes, buh-bye...
*Red Frown* I've got a lady caller... Bye!
*Green Smiley* Well, gotta go, bye...
Morgan: Larry, I hate to break it to you, but B'andre the Giant's been dead
for, like, ten years...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, yeah?
*Red Frown* That's a lie!
*Red Frown* That's what Bulk Bogan wants you to believe!
*Red Frown* Then who has my mom been spending all that time with?
*Red Frown* Then who sent me that fruit basket last week?
*Green Smiley* Then who was I talking to on the phone?
Morgan: Oh, I dunno. No one?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Why don't you talk to him?
*Green Smiley* How 'bout I just call B'andre the Giant back?
*Red Frown* All right, then. Why don't I just invite B'andre over?
*Red Tombstone* And tell him he's dead!
*Green Smiley* And tell him you called him a nobody!
*Red Ruler* And tell him he's over seven feet tall!
*Red Tombstone* I bet he'd lurch out of his grave...
*Green Smiley* I bet he'd take the first flight over here...
*Red Frown* I bet he'd fly right here on his Giant Plane!
*Red Frown* And show you just where he puts his peanuts!
*Green Smiley* And deliver a big boot to the back of your head, personally!
*Red Explosion* And throw a big rock at your head!
Morgan: God, Larry! It's not like I'd fall for that sad little trick,
anyway, even if he was alive...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Trick? Oh, you thought I was trying to trick you?
*Red Frown* Really? I thought it was working!
*Red Frown* Trick? What trick?
Morgan:
*Success* Y'know, it's really cute how you thought a way to impress me... I
think you're ready... There's something I've been wanting to try...
*Failure 1* Wow, you really are stupid, aren't you?
*Failure 2* My mother warned me about dating losers! Why didn't I listen?
=============
13C. Chat 3 =
=============
(Larry and Morgan are playing D&D in his room.)
Morgan: So, you rolled a thirteen, which is enough to hit!
Larry:
*Red Frown* My Magic Poking Stick does...
*Green Smiley* My Two-Handed Sword of Girth does...
*Red Frown* "Beaver Slayer"... that's what I named my sword... does...
*Red Frown* 1d7 +1/2 against beavers, so I do...
*Green Smiley* 1d10 +3 against loins, so I do...
*Red Brain* 1d8 + against dorks, so I do...
*Green Smiley* 9 damage!
*Red Frown* A world of hurt!
*Red Hick Face* What's six plus three again?
Morgan: Oh, that's enough to take out the last orc! The princess calls for
you to save her...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Nice. I pop some breath spray... Has that been invented yet?
*Red Boobs* Sweet! I check out her, uh, equipment...
*Green Smiley* Cool! I go up to her...
*Red Boobs* Does she have big knockers?
*Green Smiley* Is she cute?
*Red Devil* Does she look desperate enough to do me?
Morgan: Uhh... yeah. Her Charisma's seventeen, so, I guess she's cute...
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* Seventeen, all right! She's legal!
*Red Boobs* I stare at her chestadid...
*Green Smiley* I talk to her...
*Red Frown* Do you have the Mapkeeping skill? I keep getting lost in thine
eyes!
*Red Frown* Did it hurt when you fell from Valhalla?
*Green Smiley* What's a nice wench like you doing in a rotten dungeon like
this?
Morgan: Okay, I'll need a Charisma check to see how well you did. (rolls)
Ohhhh, that's not good... But her "INT" is only five, so she doesn't notice.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* So, does she, like, like me?
*Red Devil* So, does she do me?
*Red Frown* Five? That's the same as mine! We're soulmates!
Morgan: Uh, no. She says, "Oh, you must save me good sir knight. The evil
wizard will be back soon!"
Larry (heroic voice):
*Red Frown* Riffy!
*Green Smiley* No problem!
*Red Frown* Gotcha covered!
*Red Frown* I offer to teach her my stroking technique...
*Green Smiley* I whip out my +5 Rod of Stroking!
*Red Wang* I whip out my Rod... of Stroking!
Morgan: Larry, it's "Striking", not "Stroking"... Hehe... Whatever... "No!
He's too powerful! You'll never stop his virgin sacrifice!"
Larry (heroic voice):
*Green Smiley* Wait! "Virgin" sacrifice?
*Red Frown* Virgin! What a wonderful word!
*Red Boobs* Thou, a virgin? With thine hooters?
*Red Wang* Hey, what say we fix this virgin problem of yours!
*Green Smiley* So, wait, if he can't sacrifice you, what happens?
*Red Frown* I know the perfect cure for virginity!
Morgan: "Well, I guess that'd break the spell, and the demons would take him
instead!"
Larry (heroic voice):
*Green Smiley* I have an idea!
*Red Wang* I have a boner!
*Red Shocked Face* Demons? Yikes!
*Red Frown* If we're going to die, at least we can go out the good way!
*Red Frown* It might not work, but at least it will be fun!
*Green Smiley* It's crazy, but it's our only chance!
*Red Wang* My squire is ready to come out!
*Red Splat* Get thee ready for some man-cream!
*Green Smiley* Taketh off all thine clothes!
Morgan: "Whaaat?"
Larry:
*Red Frown* Once we get rid of that pesky hymen...
*Green Smiley* If you're not a virgin...
*Red Frown* One night with me, and...
*Red Frown* You won't be pure anymore!
*Green Smiley* He can't sacrifice you!
*Red Frown* No demon would want you!
Morgan: Mmm, she's not sure how to react... (rolls) Ooo, just barely made
it. She rips off her chainmail bikini and leaps into your arms, topless...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Great! So, at least my fictional versions get some, and...
*Red Condom* Great! So, I finally get to use my Chainmail Condom I spent all
my gold pieces on?
*Green Smiley* Great! So, we have sweet, sweet, sex, and...
Morgan: Nah, I'm not gonna let you get off that easy... What, exactly, do
you do?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Well, I get on top of her...
*Red Frown* I mount my fair wench...
*Red Frown* I guess, I climb up on her as high as I can get...
*Green Smiley* ...and feel her royal boobies!
*Red Frown* ...and rummage around for her G-spot!
*Red Frown* ...and immediately start rutting!
Morgan: Okay, that's a -4 penalty for "no foreplay", but a +2 for her
Superior Sluttiness feat. (rolls) Ooo, a critical hit! She's humping
your leg!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Wow, I love this game! I hump back!
*Green Smiley* Okay, I mount her and thrust!
*Red Frown* I try to move her up to a better place for humping...
Morgan: Dexterity check! And you don't have the right skills, so... mmm,
you miss... You hit her elbow. She takes 1 damage...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Okay... This time I cast "Mordenkai's Sureshot" first.
*Red Wang* Okay... This time I cast "Cure Minor Erection" first.
*Red Frown* Okay... This time I cast "Satanic Bodily Possession" first.
Morgan: Hmmhm... Good idea! Your penis emits an eerie blue light, and you
get a +8 bonus! Okay, you're in!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* I ride her like a warhorse!
*Red Frown* I ride her like the neighbor's My Little Pony!
*Red Frown* I ride her like a Scotsman on a sheep!
*Red Frown* Has she noticed me, yet?
*Red Frown* Is she done yet?
*Green Smiley* How long 'til she's not a virgin?
Morgan: If you have to ask... Okay, Constitution check... (rolls) Sorry,
you lose it early. That's gonna be a -4 on future reaction rolls...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Future rolls? But, I already had sex with her!
*Green Smiley* But we did it, right?
*Red Frown* Why would that be a minus?
*Red Frown* So, I'm a man, now!
*Green Smiley* We stopped the sacrifice?
*Red Frown* She didn't run screaming?
Morgan:
*Success* Yes! Once again, quick thinking and quick sex have saved the
kingdom!
*Failure 1* Nope! She pulls off her mask, and reveals that she was really a
master assassin all along! You just fucked your murderer!
*Failure 2* Nope! She casts Dispel Magic on herself and reveals that she was
really the evil old wizard all along! You just fucked the villain!
******************************************************************************
14. SALLY MAE
******************************************************************************
This down-home country chick will probably be the first girl you attempt a
pass at. She's pretty much your stereotypical buxom cowgirl, with a little
added twist (and a snip).
=============
14A. Chat 1 =
=============
(Larry stands next to Sally Mae and gets on his ancient cell-phone)
Larry (into phone):
*Green Smiley* Uh huh. Yeah. I'm listenin'.
*Red Frown* Yes, I'm listening. I'll tell you when I stop listening. Just
go ahead.
*Red Frown* No no, I can't talk now, I'm being flown to Switzerland to broker
the Hatfield-McCoy peace talks!
*Red Frown* What? So, Kenny Rogers wants a poker showdown, does he? Heh
heh. He probably wants to win his Roasters back.
*Green Smiley* What? No no no, cancel the Nashville meeting!
*Red Frown* What the... Oh, they think they're gonna close down MY moonshine
still, do they?
*Red Frown* What the... You tell the Jimmy Dean sausage people that if it's
a fight they want, they got it!
*Red Frown* Well that sonofa... You tell that Billy Ray Cyrus I will
continue to use my considerable clout to keep him out of the public spotlight
for another ten years, until he apologizes!
*Green Smiley* That sonofa... Well, you let that Merle Haggart know I'm privy
to the whereabouts of a certain Civil War strongbox he's been searching for
for the last forty-two years!
(Phone begins beeping)
Larry (into phone):
*Red Frown* Whoa-whoa-whoa. Okay. One Dixie Chick at a time, ladies, I
can't hear you when you're all talking at once...
*Green Smiley* Yeah, now listen to me, Mr. "Big City Fat Cat" CEO...
*Red Frown* Wait a... I thought once Strom Thurmond was out of the picture,
you and me were through. I've paid you in full!
*Red Frown* Yeah, I know how important the Hee-Haw reunion is! Whose idea do
you think it was in the first place?
*Red Frown* Just in case you forgot, let me remind you who's idea "Battle of
the Country Network Stars" was in the first place!
*Green Smiley* Just in case you forgot, let me remind you who's idea "Farm-
Aid" was in the first place!
Phone Message: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and dial your operator.
Larry (into phone):
*Red Frown* No, it wasn't Ted Koppel, you idiot, it was me!
*Green Smiley* That's right! Me, baby!
*Red Frown* No, it wasn't Buddy from "Charles in Charge", dumbass! It was
me!
(Sally Mae looks in Larry's direction.)
Larry (into phone, sobbing):
*Red Cow* When my father, a wealthy cattle baron with ties to the country
music industry came to this country, he had a dream...
*Red Frown* When my great-great-grandfather, Colonel Reginald James P.
Aloysius Calhoun Jr. came to this country, he had a dream...
*Green Smiley* When I started this... I had a dream...
*Red Frown* A dream to get rich off the backs of the poor!
*Green Smiley* A dream... to help farmers and their children!
*Red Frown* A dream... to help rednecks and their families!
*Green Smiley* And I will NOT sit by and watch you destroy it!
*Red Frown* And I will NOT sit idly by while you big city fat cats try to
increase the banjo tax!
*Red Frown* Well, maybe the bolo tie is inappropriate formal wear where YOU
come from, mister, but not me!
*Green Smiley* Good day to you, sir!
*Red Frown* Go to Heck!
*Red Depressed Face* (sobbing) I'm hangin' up now... I'm gettin' emotional!
I'll talk to you later! (more sobbing)
Sally Mae: Hey, are you all right?
Larry ("hanging up" phone):
*Red Frown* Geez, look at me, weeping like a schoolgirl...
*Red Depressed Face* ("sobbing" into his hands)... One second... Okay, uh,
no... (continues)
*Green Smiley* ("composes" himself) What? Oh, yes, uh thank you...
*Red Frown* I'm sorry. That, uh, that must have been awful for you...
*Red Frown* Oh, ah, please forgive me, I didn't see you there...
*Green Smiley* I... I'm sorry you had to hear that...
*Red Frown* It's not every day a man launches his own brand of barbecue sauce,
y'know?
*Green Smiley* Y'know, I just get so passionate about agricultural issues.
*Red Frown* I thought the redness, bumps, and gential irritation were from
shaving, but... now I'm not sure...
*Green Smiley* Eh... I guess for all the money and success I've had as a
country music promotor, I'm really just a good ol' boy at heart.
*Red Frown* Boy... I guess for all the money and success I've had as an orgy
planner, I'm really just a good ol' boy at heart.
*Red Boobs* Heh heh... I guess for all the money and success I've had as an
amateur porn star, I'm really just a good ol' boy at heart.
*Red Frown* Ah... but here I am, spilling the beans as they say... um...
south... where I'm from... You must be, uh, sick to death of me.
*Green Smiley* Ah... but here I go probably boring you to death, huh?
*Red Hick Face* Oh, but here I am goin' on and on, blah blah blah, using all
kinds of big fancy words you probably don't understand, huh? Forgive me...
Sally Mae: Oh, nooo. Not at all. Y'know, I'm from a farm...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Nooooo!
*Red Poo* Well, you lyin' sack o' crap! No way!
*Red Frown* Quit tryin' to horn-swaggle me!
Sally Mae: Born and raised! And I just love country music! Oh, what stars
have you met?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Ohhh... I really don't like to name dro--
*Red Frown* I really shouldn't be talking about this kind of--
*Red Frown* (aside) Like putty in my hands...
*Red Frown* Charlie Dzinskastein...
*Red Hick Face* Charlie Danahanamookalakalikiliki...
*Green Smiley* Charlie Daniels...
Sally Mae (excited): *gasp* Charlie Da--... (drop in excitement) Oh. Gosh.
Him. That must have been... nice...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Aaaand, a certain lone outlaw from a smash hit movie you might
remember: "Barbarossa". Willieeee Nelson!
*Green Smiley* Aaaand, a certain red-headed stranger, named Willie Nelson!
*Red Frown* Aaaand, a certain country music star you might remember from his
outstanding performance in Wrestlemania VII, Willie Nelson!
Sally Mae (excited): Willie Nelson!! Oh, my stars! I loooove Willie Nelson.
You have no idea, I know every little thing about him.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* I was there when he got struck by lightning!
*Red Frown* I was there when he bit Gary Busey's ear off!
*Red Explosion* I was there when he shot Burt Reynolds!
Sally Mae:
*Success* Ohhh, I wanna hear everything about it! You're sittin' right here
and havin' a drink with me!
*Failure 1* Oh my, that sounds fascinatin'! But here I am, goin' on and on,
I must sound like such an idjit. I'll leave you be...
*Failure 2* Gosh, that's amazin'! Ah, forgive me, here I go, just yammerin'
on and on. You must get so tired of talkin' about this kind of stuff? I'll
leave you be...
=============
14B. Chat 2 =
=============
Larry:
*Red Frown* Partaaaaay! Ow!
*Green Smiley* Hey... There you are!
*Red Frown* Wow... You're still here? That's a first...
(Larry hands Sally Mae her drink. She knocks it back, he gives the camera a
thumbs-up.)
Sally: Wow... How fancy! Ain't you sweet? So, I wanna hear all about you,
and your life. I'm just a sucker for any little piece of gossip about
country singers! Tell me everything!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Oh, yeah right, uh, my lie... Uh, well, who's your favorite?
*Green Smiley* Oh, heh. Well, uh, who's your favorite?
*Red Frown* What the hell are you ta---oh yeah! Country singers! Um, who's
your favorite?
Sally (bouncing): Jesse Hilton! Oh, Lord forgive me, what I wouldn't do for
that man. I know everything about him! Oh, tell me something 'bout Jesse
that no one else knows? Something that's never been in Country Thunder
Magazine? Oh, please? I promise not to tell, I promise!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yeah, Jesse Hilton. Yeah, sure, heh heh. Oh, I got tons of...
good stuff on uh, that whacko... Uhh...
*Red Frown* (laughing) Jesse Hilton? Ha ha! (pointing) You like him? Ha ha
ha, what a rube! I mean, uh, Jesse Hilton, huh?
*Green Smiley* Okay... Well, let's see, uh... Jesse Hilton, huh?
(Larry's eyes cast to a Frankenstein poster)
*Red Splat* He threw a little girl into a pond once...
*Green Smiley* Did you know... he's... afraid of fire?
*Red Frown* Did you know he died in a windmill fire?
(Sally gasps.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Hey, no one said country music was pretty.
*Red Frown* Yeah, I know. It's weird. His publicists have kept it under
wraps for a long time.
*Green Smiley* Yeah, I know how you feel...
*Red Frown* Believe me, I wish I didn't know.
*Green Smiley* I can hardly believe it myself.
*Red Frown* How 'bout we change the subject, okay? What's your favorite kind
of Top Ramen?
Sally: Oh my gosh, that poor thang... Tell me sumtin' else!
(Larry's eyes cast to a marine-life poster)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Uh, Willie Nelson has a submarine!
*Red Frown* Willie Nelson lives in a secret underwater kingdom at the bottom
of the ocean! He rules an ancient race of sea-dwellers with an iron fist!
*Red Squid* Willie Nelson nearly hunted the Giant Squid... to extinction...
in the late 1600's. Yup. Yeah. Uh-huh. It's true.
Sally: No! *gasps* What a hypocrite! I always knew that man was too good to
be true. Oh, this is so exciting! What else?
(Larry's eyes cast to a girl booty poster and Abraham Lincoln)
*Red Butt* has... two butts! Yeah yeah, two butts! It's a... birth defect!
*Green Smiley* Fake beard...
*Red Frown* is... greatly opposed to the... Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854...
Sally: Lord-a-goshin!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Trust me, even his wife doesn't know...
*Green Smiley* Been that way for years...
*Red Frown* Trust me, even his personal sushi chef doesn't know...
Sally: I can't believe it. I think I need to sit down...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Hey, you wanted to go behind the curtain baby, and I didn't
twist your arm.
*Green Smiley* Hey, it's a lot to absorb, trust me. I know the feeling.
*Red Frown* Yeah, country music's gotten seedier over the years. I don't
even go to Branson anymore.
*Green Smiley* Why don't we just change the subject altogether?
*Red Frown* But enough talk about my fascinating career...
*Red Frown* Y'know, uh... Given enough posters, I could go on talkin' on about
crap I don't understand for hours, but uh, whaddaya say we change the
subject?
*Red Devil* I'm in the mood for a little... action... If you catch my drift.
Whaddaya say?
*Red Frown* How 'bout we get sweaty?
*Green Smiley* How 'bout some fun?
Sally:
*Success* Hmm? Oh, sure, why not! Let's go!
*Failure 1* Willie... Nelson... Oh my stars...
*Failure 2* Mmm... Oh, thank ya kindly Larry, but uh, I think I need a moment,
I'm still in a bit of shock...
=============
14C. Chat 3 =
=============
(Larry and Sally finish dancing)
Sally: Woo! Lordy! Where'd a good ol' boy like yourself learn how to dance
like that?
Larry:
*Red Frown* I used to do Coed Naked Volleyball. I don't care what the T-Shirt
says. On the floor is definitely not where you score. At least in my
case...
*Green Smiley* Well, I used to major in Folk Dancing...
*Red Splat* Oh, I used to referee a lot of mud wrestling tournaments. Y'know,
you gotta be quick if you wanna stay on your feet.
*Red Frown* I was even president of the Booster Club for a while, but I had to
step down after our charity bake sale ended in a twenty-six man battle
royale.
*Green Smiley* I was even in a club for a while, but the instructor and I had
this big falling out in the middle of the annual pancake breakfast.
*Red Frown* I was even on the Rules Committee, but I was forced to resign
after getting into a slapfight at our annual celebrity fundraiser.
*Green Smiley* It was a complete disaster, I mean the police totally
overreacted.
*Red Frown* It was insane! I mean, I spent two days in jail! Oh yeah, that
reminds me, I should write those guys...
*Red Frown* Talk about a disaster, I mean, that was the worst ass-kicking
I've ever had in my entire life, and I've been through a lot of them, lemme
tell ya.
Sally: Yeah, I think read somethin' about that in the school paper. That
was you?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yes, but for the record: A) I had no idea Tony Danza was lactose
intolerant...
*Red Boobs* Yes, but for the record: A) I had no idea that Dolly Parton
impersonator was really a drag queen...
*Green Smiley* Yeah yeah, but for the record: A) I had no idea that guy was
an archbishop...
*Green Smiley* And, B) I didn't try to grab the cigarette from his mouth...
*Red Hot Dog* And, B) I didn't try to grab his weiner...
*Red Frown* And, B) I did NOT try to stab him in the head with a fork...
*Red Frown* I only told him to get his wife's fat ass outta my chair!
*Red Frown* I was merely pointing out that he had an enormous canker sore!
*Green Smiley* I only told him not to smoke near the helium tank!
*Green Smiley* It was that clown that started it!
*Red Frown* It was that guy in the fried egg costume that started it!
*Red Can* It was Russell that started it! Not me!
Sally: Were you really excommunicated?
Larry:
*Red Frown* No no, the whole thing caused a big stir with some of the local
rabbis, here. I gotta go to Torah Court in July...
*Red Frown* Oh, no, not at all. But the Lutheran Church did fly me to Iceland
for some apology ceremony this summer. It's called a rukluk...
*Green Smiley* No, no, but the Catholic Church did charge me with aposticy.
Sally: I swear Larry, you are somethin' else... *yawns* Well, I reckon you
done wore me out. I'm fixin' to go home and take myself a little nap.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, no, don't do that!
*Red Frown* Noooo! I mean, you can't!
*Red Frown* We-bu-de-bu-the party just started! Besides...
*Green Smiley* You'll, uh, you'll get um...
*Red Frown* If you leave now, you'll be sure to contract this uh, this oh one
thing that I know a lot about... It's called, um...
*Red Frown* Leave now and I won't be able to save you... I won't be able to
save you from... ah geez, I've heard a senior do this to a girl once. Why
can't I remember, ah what the hell...
*Green Smiley* Alcohol Stiffness!
*Red Frown* Rickets! Oh no, not that it's called Alcohol Stiffness!
*Red Cow* Hoof and Mouth Disease!... Uh, Cryptosporidium? Uh, give me a
second... Alcohol Stiffness! You'll get Alcohol Stiffness, big time!
Sally: Alcohol Stiffness?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yeah, uh, it's like, um, y'know how when guys get Whiskey Dick?
Well, girls get Alcohol Stiffness.
*Green Smiley* Yeah, uh, Alcohol Stiffness is no joke...
*Red Frown* Ohhh, come on, don't tell me you haven't heard of Alcohol
Stiffness before...
*Red Boobs* It has a lot to do with the, uh, toxins... that can be trapped in
your breasts, thanks to your bra! Now, it's very scientific, I don't want
to go into the details. Your best bet is to take it off. Get some physical
activity.
*Green Smiley* You need to stay active for a while.
*Red Frown* Let's get your (clears throat) heart rate up a bit, shall we?
*Red Money* Hey! How 'bout a round of Quarters? I'm actually low on change,
but the bartender will break a buck for ya. I'll wait.
*Green Smiley* Hey! How 'bout a round of Quarters?
*Red Frown* I've got it! Quarters! Might be a little over your head at
first, but I could probably teach it to you.
Sally: Isn't Quarters a drinking game?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Actually, it's more of a sport than a game.
*Red Frown* Well, I prefer to think of it as a sport, really, but if "game"
makes it easier for you to comprehend, fine...
*Red Frown* Hey, watch what you're calling a "game", missy. Quarters is a
sport, okay, I got callouses to prove it!
*Red Frown* Now, let's see. Oh, you know what? There IS drinking involved!
*Green Smiley* And sure there's drinking involved!
*Red Frown* And sure you'll be expected to drink like a Viking...
*Red Frown* But, come on! You gotta learn how to pound 'em back sooner or
later if you're gonna live in a trailer park.
*Red Frown* But you look like a hefty gal! I'm sure you could drink me under
the table if you tried!
*Green Smiley* But it's really about (clears throat) technique...
Sally: But if I drink more, won't I just get stiffer?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Ho ho ho ho! No, of course not!
*Green Smiley* Oh no no no! Quarters is a real workout!
*Red Frown* Oh come on, look, it's very simple...
*Red Frown* See, alcohol evaporates quickly out of the bloodstream, almost
as fast as you can drink it.
*Green Smiley* We'll sweat more alcohol out of our systems than we put in!
*Red Frown* The liver... is a muscle, and like any muscle, if it's not
exercised, it gets flabby and weak.
*Red Frown* But, if you're really worried, we could just stick to malt
liquor.
*Green Smiley* In fact, we might want to drink a lit-tle extra just in case...
*Red Frown* Why are, uh, why are you looking at me like that?
Sally: Well, I'm not sure. It's gettin' kinda late, I've got this big paper
I'm doin' on the bait and tackle industry. It's due next week and I'm barely
started.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* How 'bout one quick round of Quarters...
*Red Frown* Okay, how 'bout just four or five games...
*Red Frown* W-w-w-ait c-c-c'mon now, we can get some moonshine and pork rinds,
we can play for hours!
*Red Frown* Then it's off to my ro-- I mean, off to the bait shop with ya...
*Green Smiley* Then it's off to work on your paper.
*Red Fish* I'll even help you with your paper. I'm quite the fisherman
myself, truth be told.
Sally:
*Success* Hell's Bells, why not! Let's ride, cowboy!
*Failure 1* I'm sorry, Larry, but I really need to get down to the Rusty
Angler and do some research for my paper before they close, but thank you
kindly.
*Failure 2* You're gonna have to wake up well before the rooster if you wanna
flim-flam me, Larry. I'm goin' home!
With a dream of starting her own band, this toughie should satisfy those guys
in the mood for biker chicks. Despite being a foul-mouthed hardcore grrrl,
she's in the mood for any help she can get, even from Larry.
=============
15A. Chat 1 =
=============
(Larry approaches Suzi in the Power Station VIP Room.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* So... You like T-shirts?
*Red Splat* Hoo! Who farted?
*Red Alien* Hey, you like peanut brittle?
Suzi: Hey! (rude gesture) Climb it, Tarzan!
Larry:
*Red Alien* Who would you rather be on Battlestar Galactica, Captain Apollo
or Lieutenant Starbuck? Or maybe Sergeant Jolly?
*Green Smiley* Oh, man. Is that what passes for a VIP room in this town?
Heh. VIP room? More like VIPP room! Heheh!
*Red Alien* If you were in Babylon 5, what would you rather fly, a Charlan-
class Warp Cruiser, or a Vorcian-class Warp Cruiser?
Suzi: Heeey. Suzi Camaro does not hang with nerds...
Larry:
*Red Frown* I'm not a nerd, I'm not!
*Red Frown* Awwww. Why not?
*Green Smiley* Aw, come on, Suzi, I'm cool...
*Red Can* Hey! How did Russell get in here?
*Green Smiley* You wanna see a nerd? Check out that guy! Hehehe!
*Red Frown* Hoho, man. Who let THAT goober in here?
(Larry gestures towards Russell.)
Russell: Hahahahahah!
Suzi: Russell? Lemme tell you somethin'. Nobody understands "cool" 'cept
me and Russell...
Larry:
*Red Note* So, you like the smooth jazz?
*Red Poo* So, you like the soft rock?
*Green Smiley* So, you like the, uh, rock and roll?
(Larry smacks the jukebox, which starts playing "Hey There Lonely Girl".
Helmut and Guy start swaying. Suzi smacks the jukebox, stopping it.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey! I like that song! What's the big idea?
*Red Frown* Yeah, yeah, you're right. This stuff might be a little too heavy
for this crowd...
*Red Depressed Face* I know how you feel... I can't listen to this whole
song without burstin' into tears...
Suzi: That song's for nerds. I've been tellin' Kurt to take that outta the
juke for the past three years. Get some Jerry Lee Lewis or Carl Perkins in
this dump. 'Cept Abrahamson's tryin' to stamp out rock and roll...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Well, I'm more of a Phil Collins man, myself, but I hear ya...
*Green Smiley* That's what he thinks! He's never gonna stop the rock!
*Red Hick Face* I don't have any idea what you're talking about, but if
Abrahamson's against it, I'm for it!
*Red Frown* I'm gonna sit my Teddy Ruxpin on the quad, tape-player jammin'!
*Green Smiley* I'm gonna cruise down the motorway with my girl by my side,
and the radio blastin'!
*Red Frown* I'm gonna steal my grandpa's 240-volt rascal and roll that mother
right into the study hall! Edison reel, blastin'!
*Red Note* Playing nothing but the imitable piano stylings of Ferante and
Taichur!
*Green Smiley* Playing nothing but heavy duty balls-to-the-wall rock AND
roll!
*Red Sombrero* Playing nothing but the smooth Latin rhythm of Julio Iglesias!
Suzi: So, you're quite the little rock and roller. I think you're all show
and no go, that's what I think. You play?
Larry:
*Red Tombstone* Did you know if you play Pill Collins' Isudio backwards, it
tells you to kill yourself?
*Green Smiley* Do I play? Uh, sure, sure! Love to play! I'm a reaaal
player!
*Red Wang* Ever since I've been getting the Steam Channel in my room for
free, I've been playing with myself constantly!
Suzi: Oh yeah? So, what's your axe?
Larry:
*Red Frown* When cutting lumber, I find a wood-cutting mason saw can go a
looong way.
*Green Smiley* Heheheh! You said ass!
*Red Frown* I prefer a two-pound Hudson Bay with a 20-inch curve panel.
Suzi: Your instrument, man, your instrument! Geez! Do you play an
instrument? 'Cause I gotta band, and we gotta gig comin' up. Problem is,
we're short a bassist...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey, no problem, I'm your man!
*Red Frown* Just, uh, how short is he? (nudge nudge) Anyway...
*Red Hick Face* Band... Gig... Uh, I don't know what you're saying, but I
must admit, I am intrigued.
*Green Smiley* I play the bassist. I'm the hottest bassist player in town!
*Red Frown* I played the bassoon in junior high, so, how different can the
bass be, right?
*Red Frown* I backed Foreigner on their summer tour last year, so don't you
worry, you're in good hands...
Suzi:
*Success* Okay. I gotta admit I believe this like I believe your concept
of rock'n'roll extends beyond Captain Groovy and his Bubble-Gum Army, but
I'm willing to give you a chance. Do me a favor and pass out these fliers
for the show. We gotta drum up a little word o' mouth if you know what I
mean? Get it? Got it? Good.
*Failure 1* Hey. Why doncha blow back to kindy-garten, eh?
*Failure 2* That's okay, kid. We don't play no Banana Splits covers...
=============
15B. Chat 2 =
=============
(Abrahamson confronts Larry and Suzi on the stage.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey! What's goin' on here?
*Red Frown* Hey! What's Abrahamson doing here? He's not in the band, is he?
*Red Frown* Hey, uh, I'm going to the store for some macadamia nuts, anybody
need anything?
Abrahamson: Lovage! I'm shutting you down! Take your godforsaken noise
somewhere else, not here!
Suzi: You can't stop us!
Larry:
*Red Frown* The Rock Brigade's come to lead Walnut Log Community College away!
*Green Smiley* Yeah, today we're gonna teach Walnut Log Community College
about the three R's! Rock, rock, and rock!
*Red Note* The rock of ages is still a-rollin'! Keep a-rollin'! Rock
a-rollin'!
Abrahamson: Just try it, Lovage!
Larry:
*Red Note* C'mon old man! Everybody's waitin'! Gettin' crazy! Anticipatin'
love and music!
*Red Frown* We're the hungry ones on a lightning raid!
*Green Smiley* If it's too loud, you're too old!
*Red Explosion* We gonna blooow like dynamite! Gonna set this town on fire!
*Green Smiley* We're gonna trash the rules and put the school to the limit!
*Red Frown* We're cookin' tonight! Just keep on tokin'!
Abrahamson: You will do nothing of the sort!
Suzi: Hey! Abrahamson! Just what is your problem?
Abrahamson: Rock and roll! With its voodoo-inspired primitive jungle beat,
hypnotizes the unsuspecting listener, triggers riots, and leaves them
incapable of making sound moral decisions! It is a large part of the tidal
wave of promiscuity, narcotics abuse, and political upheaval that have swept
our fair country!
Suzi: Aw, man! Suzi and the Streetbirds are never gonna play... Man, this
guy's a real drag...
Porn Fairy (suddenly appearing): Psst! Larry!
Larry:
*Red Shocked Face* AAAAAHH!!
*Red Angry Face* What the hell!
*Green Smiley* Porn Fairy? What the hell are you doing here?
Porn Fairy: Shh, don't worry, Larry. Nobody can see me, but you!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* So, from their perspective, I'm just talking to thin air!
Boy, I must look like a complete idiot!
*Red Frown* What, you got a thing for this guy or somethin'?
*Red Poo* Wait, if you're my fairy godfather, that means you have to watch
me all the time, right? You don't see me when I'm takin' a dump, do ya?
Larry:
*Red Frown* Speaking as your fairy godchild, I'd say you're the worst Porn
Fairy ever!
*Green Smiley* Speaking as your fairy godchild, you've got a long way to go...
*Red Frown* Speaking as your fairy godchild, you can have your ring back
because this engagement is off...
Porn Fairy: Speaking as the purgatory-stranded spirit of Victorian London's
most notorious public masturbator and horse rapist, I say "Anal Spitfire 6"
was far and away the pinnacle of the entire series!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Ha! You got that right! How Rex Borstley got shafted outta the
Adult Film Award that year, I'll never know!
*Green Smiley* So, why have you come, Porn Fairy?
*Red Butt* Well, then. Obviously, you've never seen "Anal Spitfire 7"!
Porn Fairy: Listen, Larry. There's a reason Abrahamson has such a deep
hatred for rock and roll music. He was once a member of the most
contemptible, wretched, vile, odious, heavy metal group in all of Akron,
Ohio! The Disciples of Hell! (holds up album) After recording their
debut album, he was fired from them, for constantly complaining about their
excessive drinking, drug-use, and womanizing while on tour!
Larry:
*Red Wang* So, that's why he wears a codpiece!
*Green Smiley* Abrahamson?! In a heavy metal band!?
*Red Drunk Face* Uh, have you been drinking paint again?
*Red Frown* Where do you come up with this stuff?
*Green Smiley* I've gotta admit, Porn Fairy, I find that a little hard to
believe.
*Red Frown* I'm pretty sure you've finally lost it.
*Success* Porn Fairy: Ohhh, ye of little faith! Take this! May it serve
you well!
Larry: (examining album) Huh... Hey, Abrahamson! Hmm, what's this? The
Disciples of Hell "Disturbing the Peace"! Interesting. Came out in 1984!
This drummer, why he looks awfully familiar! What's his name? Mephisto
Abrahamson! Wonder if he's related to Martin Abrahamson?
Abrahamson: You! Where did you get that! Give that to me right now!
Larry: Can Suzi and the Streetbirds play?
Abrahamson: Sure, whatever, just hand over the record album.
*Failure 1* Porn Fairy: I say, at this rate I'll never make it to Heaven!
*Failure 2* Porn Fairy: They're screening "Anal Pandemonium" at the Velvet
Illusions Adult Theater. You know where to find me.
=============
15C. Chat 3 =
=============
(Larry and Suzi are talking with some guy after the show. The guy is
holding a small speaker box.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey, who's this?
*Angry Face* Um... who the hell are you?
*Red Frown* Hey, uh, I'm going to the store for some macadamia nuts, anybody
need anything?
Suzi (gestures towards speaker box): This is Merv. He wants to sign us,
Larry...
Merv: Hey-hey! Merv Markot! Merv Music Records! And let me tell you
something, Merv likes what he hears!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Oh, I get it. So, you're like one of those guys who constantly
refers to himself in the third person?
*Green Smiley* You did? Uh, of course you did!
*Red Bread* Well, wait a minute, which one did you like better? "Rock, Baby,
Rock, to the Rock'n'Roll", or "Rock, Rock, Rock, Sandwich, Rock"?
Merv: Not me, friend. Merv!
Larry:
*Red Drunk Face* We got a real nutjob here. I think Merv is his imaginary
friend...
*Red Frown* I think my grandpa's name was Merv. Oh, my mistake, it was
Lawrence...
*Green Smiley* Well, yeah, that's you. Merv Markot, Merv Music Records,
right?
Merv: Well, yes, I am Merv Markot, Merv Music Records, but I'm just one of an
army of lackeys and yes-men all named Merv! Under the CEO and founder of
Merv Music, Steven Merv Silverman!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Is it true the Archies weren't a real band?
*Red Frown* Wait a minute. How come England, Don, and John Ford Colie never
won a Grammy?
*Green Smiley* Uh, I don't get it...
Merv: Anyway, Merv likes what he hears! It's hot! It's happening! And it
is what it is now! And Merv wants to be there!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* You and everybody else in the record biz...
*Red Angry Face* Yeah, get in line, pal!
*Red Frown* Well, you're a little late...
*Red Cow* Uh, the good folks over at Def Jam took us out for the buffet at
Sizzler.
*Red Money* Why, just the other day, I was discussing business with the boys
at A&M over a cup of coffee that, uh, they paid for...
*Green Smiley* We got offers from Capital, Geffen, Scotty Bros., Deutsch-a-
Gramaphone...
Merv: Uh, uh, uh! Merv's more than prepared to meet opposing offers!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Our lawyers have inked up a contract...
*Red Frown* Well, I've written up this contract. Now, it's written in crayon
on the back of a Big Boy's kid's menu, but I'm assured it's perfectly legal!
*Red Frown* I've got this contract tattooed on my back...
*Red Frown* Basically, it reads that we want a castle made entirely out of
chocolate...
*Red Alien* Well, the gist of it is, we want a flying car...
*Green Smiley* That says we require 999,973 million dollars up-front...
*Red Frown* A dinosaur, preferably a stegosaurus...
*Green Smiley* A 150-foot yacht...
*Red Kotter* Novelty wax mustaches for the entire band...
*Green Smiley* And a robot butler!
*Red Poo* And a faucet that pours out peanut butter!
*Red Frown* And an ice cream truck that can fly!!
Suzi: Why don't you just shut your trap??
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey hey, it's called "bargaining". You can't take the first
offer he puts on the table. If you do, you're a natural born sucker!
*Red Devil* What... you gotta thing for this guy or somethin'?
*Red Frown* Hey, wait a minute. Remember when you said you wanted a trained
eight-foot boa constrictor that could dial the telephone? We should ask for
that, too!
Suzi: What the hell are you talkin' about!?
Merv: I understand your concerns, my friend, and let me tell you, Merv Music
ain't called Merv Music for nothing! 'Cause Merv only cares about one
thing, the money! Er, the music!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* I think Merv Music just cares about its Mervs...
*Red Frown* You guys gotta lotta "merv" comin' here, pal!
*Red Depressed Face* I thought Merv cared about me! I really did! The
bastard!
Merv: Look, you can trust me! I've been in this business for fifty years! I
wrote up Muddy Waters' and Little Richard's contract!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Little Richard? You don't say! Hey, I don't know what it is
about you, maybe it's your face, but I trust you!
*Red Devil* I don't normally say this to a man, but you look damn good for
your age... Damn good!
*Red Frown* Can you get us on TRL? Oh my God I have such a crush on Carson!!
Merv:
*Success* Great, just great, Suze! I'll call ya soon as we ink up a contract!
And, uh, this comes from the top. Lose the midget. He's bad for the group's
image, and between you and me, personally I find him an A-1 pain in the old
keister.
*Failure 1* Oh, okay. Gotta vamoose! Fantastic! Don't call us, we'll call
you! Ciao, baby!
*Failure 2* Oh, look at the time! Gotta go! So, we'll be in touch, eh?
(tsk) Ciao, babe!
From the upper crust of society, this redhead is president of the HOZ
Sorority. Larry just wants some action, but is she in the mood for aiming
higher than just being the sorority president?
=============
16A. Chat 1 =
=============
(Tilly sits on a bench in the Greek Quad. Larry approaches her.)
Tilly: Boy, come closer...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hello, beautiful...
*Red Frown* You didn't see a skate key around here, did you?
*Red Balls* My balls feel soft and mushy...
Tilly: Ah, perfect. Just perfect. You are perfect, yes...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Yes, I know... I know...
*Green Smiley* Heh... Perfect? Me?
*Red Cheese* This Broadbait Pheromone Spray really works!
*Red Frown* So, I got the keys to Room 252 at the Vociferous Pool Suites in
Akron, and uh...
*Green Smiley* What's say, uh, you and me discuss my "perfection" over
drinks?
*Red Boobs* You wanna hit Titty City? Hey, if we hurry, we might just make
the Legs'N'Eggs breakfast buffet!
Tilly: No time, no time, yes... Sit sit sit. Do you like me, yes? Find me
attractive, sexually? Would do anything for me? Hmm?
Larry:
*Red Devil* I'd do anything for that ass!
*Red Frown* Oh yeah. I find you sexually...
*Green Smiley* Find YOU attractive?
Tilly: Are you familiar with photography? Picture taking? Kodak-ery? The
science and art of making permanent images on light-sensitive material?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Yeah, sure. I've taken a few pictures in my day...
*Red Butt* I Xeroxed my ass in the library once!
*Red Frown* Heheh, yeah. You see the Beaver Hunt in the July Hustler?
Tilly: Yes, then, I shall need some photographs. Are you up to the task?
Larry:
*Red Frown* You goin' out for Hustler's Beaver Hunt? Hoo. Ambitious girl...
*Green Smiley* What do you want me to snap?
*Red NO Sign* Sure, sure. We're gonna keep this tasteful, so no peen shots,
all right?
Tilly: Hmm... Interesting, yes... Are you familiar with the human form? I
speak specifically of the tu en somle, the nude.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Kinky-- uh, I mean, yes...
*Red Frown* Oh yeah, I have subscriptions to Slop Shots, Eager Beavers,
Ass-gasm, Wad...
*Red Wang* I am very familiar with my own tutansamli. (clears throat) Some
would say, too familiar...
*Red Frown* I've mainly done hardcore full-penetration shots...
*Green Smiley* Oh, I've taken many photographs of the human form, before...
*Red Sombrero* Well, I've done many on-site pieces of donkey shows in
Tijuana...
*Red Devil* I find it very... arousing...
*Green Smiley* A marvelous sight. Quite beautiful, really...
*Red Frown* Some would say they're in poor taste...
Tilly: The male form?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Male form? You mean, like, weiners and stuff?
*Red Butt* Oh, then you've got the right man! I was the unit production
manager on "Big Stud Butt Bangers"!
*Red Frown* There'll be women there, too, right?
Tilly:
*Success* I need you to go to the fraternity house. I detest those boys,
living in an atmosphere of filth and stench, and contaminating everything
which they come near.
Larry: The frat? Uh, that sounds kinda dangerous... I do--
Tilly: One "Scott Polocow", commonly known as "Scotty" or "Polo", a
narcissistic prattling hedge-pig. You must catch him... in the raw, as
one might say? Naked and bare as a shorn sheep.
Larry: Yeah, well, y'see I...
Tilly: And be quick about it, man, chop chop!
*Failure 1* It seems that I've sorely overestimated you. Good day...
*Failure 2* On further scrutiny, I find you ill-suited for this task. I'm
sorry. Good day...
Larry:
*Red Cheese* Hey! He who smelt it, dealt it!
*Green Smiley* Is it something I did?
*Red Frown* You, uh, wanna go to the roller rink? I remembered my skate key
this time...
Tilly: You see, I've tried to slip the collar of society, but it seems I'm
snared inextricably within its tangles and sinews. Further, they would have
me strapped straightened to the giggle jacket, for what I call "ambition",
they call "madness". Look all about us. The sons of smugglers and
bootblacks... I wish they all had one neck so I could hack it through. Mr.
Lovage, such a clever facade: the dull, syrupy look of an infant, though
cunning as a lynx with awe...
Larry:
*Red Lips* Um, did you say "cunnilingus"?
*Red Frown* Y'know what I've always wondered? How come leprechauns are such
ASSHOLES? I mean, what is their problem?
*Green Smiley* Yes! The lynx is an endangered species, and we must work for
their preservation!
Tilly: There are more immediate matters at hand. You see, Mr. Lovage, a
certain Assistant Dean Abrahamson has proven to be the proverbial raspberry
seed in my wisdom tooth. I say to take revenge half-heartedly is to court
disaster. What do you say, Mr. Lovage?
Larry:
*Red Frown* I say, if you're gay, and your parents can't accept it, that's
their problem!
*Red Frown* Y'know what bugs me? How come Carl reactivated Urkel-bot in that
episode of Family Matters? Didn't he learn the first time that that robot
was nothing but trouble?
*Green Smiley* Huh? Sorry, I was just trying to look down your blouse...
Tilly: Mr. Lovage, have you been listening to a single word I've had to say?
Now, how shall we set about this? Razor wire, blowtorches, poison darts,
tridents? What do you suggest, Mr. Lovage?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Sorry, Tilly, I can't!
*Red Frown* I'm sorry, you lost me at "poison darts"...
*Red Shocked Face* Nooo! You can't make me!
Tilly: Why?
Larry:
*Red Frown* I can't... because, um, because I'm carrying on a torrid, illicit
affair!
*Green Smiley* Because I'm working for somebody else!
*Red Devil* I can't, because... because... I'm sorry, Tilly, because there's
somebody else...
Tilly: Someone else? Who, may I ask, might this person be?
(frantically looks around the room for ideas, focuses on a cereal box that
says "Free Rathgar Toy Inside")
Larry:
*Green Smiley* His name is Rathgar!
*Red Frown* His name is Francis, but I call him Rathgar!
*Red Frown* I'm not quite sure, but he wears a monogrammed jacket that
reads... Rathgar!
Tilly: Rathgar, eh? And just who is this Mr. Rathgar?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Rathgar? Um, he's the notorious mastermind behind the secret
vice organization: the Evil Horde!
*Red Kotter* Rathgar... um... He's got a mustache, and a prosthetic leg with
no shoe on it!
*Red Depressed Face* Rathgar... uh... he... he ruined Halloween by starting
the "razor blades in apples" rumor just to see his own son cry!
*Green Smiley* He plans to conquer the whole world with his diabolical
strategy!
*Red Frown* I heard he's the father of the guy who played Chewbacca!
*Red Cheese* And he makes a low-carb summer vegetable quiche that is just a
taste of heaven on earth...
Tilly: And what function do you serve in his evil empire?
Larry:
*Red Frown* I am the scullery maid at his seclude mountaintop villa!
*Green Smiley* I am the flight captain of the Doom Balloon!
*Red Alien* I'm the bathroom attendant in the Orbiting Death Satellite.
*Red Note* ...and I play keyboards for his Richard Marx tribute band!
*Green Smiley* ...and the swiftly brutal commander of his specialized ninja
force!
*Red Splat* ...and I mop out the preview booths at his adult video arcade.
Tilly:
*Success* Hmmm... This Rathgar could prove to be a most powerful ally. Mr.
Lovage, report to Mr. Rathgar. I propose an alliance. Assure him he will
be sufficiently compensated for his services, as will you, Mr. Lovage, as
will you...
*Failure 1* In a world filled with such clay-brained gull-catchers... If you
want something done right, you do it yourself...
*Failure 2* On second thought, I will not be needing your further
assistance. Good day...
=============
16C. Chat 3 =
=============
(Static is on the TV as Larry fumbles with a tape in it. Rathgar and others
speak parts of the show as Larry cues up the proper section.)
(Tilly knocks on Larry's door.)
Tilly (through door): Mr. ... Rathgar?
TV:
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) I am Rathgar! Ruthless leader of the Evil Horde!
*Red Frown* (not Rathgar) To the lab! Rathgar wants us to run some tests on
this rocket!
*Red Lobster Claw* (not Rathgar) I am Mandibel! Warrior with a bite of evil!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) Who dares disturb my century slumber?
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) Sieze him, you fools! He's getting away!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) Before I kill you, I must admit you have proven to be a
formidable foe, for a human...
Tilly: It is Tilly, sir. Tilly Crookshanks!
TV:
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) What in the name of all evil is going on here?
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) So, it seems we meet again, my heroic friend!
*Red Boobs* (Rathgar) It's her! Star-sky! She's here!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) Nothing in the Fright Zone should ever be beautiful!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) What are you doing in my domain?
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) Make sure the prisoner is placed in the darkest,
dismalest dungeon we have!
Tilly: For lack of a better term, sir, I have come to lodge a complaint.
TV:
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) I am Rathgar! Ruthless leader of the Evil Horde!
*Red Frown* (Underling) My new computer will find it, oh great Rathgar!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) You try my patience!!
*Red Cheese* (Stenchaw) I am Stenchaw! Evil master of odor!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) Those who betray me will earn a swift death!
*Red Frown* (Boy) Stop it! Stop it! That's my horse!
Tilly: Sir, I don't mean to bring accusation, but I'm afraid your minions
are the grievements of the charge! You see, your hirelings have failed.
Abrahamson is hale and healthy as a mustang!
TV:
*Red Ruler* (Gauntlet Hero) Hold on, Quadrangular!
*Red Frown* (Stenchaw) That can't be! We have them pinned down!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) Enough of your lies!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) The Horde is really your friend! The Horde wants
peace!
*Red Hick Face* (Rathgar) And you are a nincompoop! You have told Star-sky
everything!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) Now, have a taste of my superior technique!
*Red Frown* (Boy) Stop! You can't take her! That's my sister!
*Red Maple Leaf* (Underling) Set course for the Wandering Woods!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) Buzzsaw Power! (buzzsaws fly on the TV screen)
Tilly: Do control yourself, sir! I was assured by your intelligence advisor,
Mr. Lovage, that this matter with Assistant Dean Abrahamson would be taken
care of, prompt and precise!
TV:
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) Fool! He made the mistake of choosing YOU as his
successor!
*Red Frown* (Gauntlet Hero) Rathgar! I thought so! Whenever there's a wrong
side, you're on it!
*Red Ruler* (Boy) (sigh) I didn't know the truth about the world. Guess
it was because I wasn't very good at math...
Tilly: Regardless, there are more immediate matters at hand! If you would
allow me to be whole-footed for a minute? I find myself in a bit of a
(clears throat) sticky wicket, and once again in need of your services!
TV:
*Red Boobs* (Rathgar) It's her! Star-sky! She's here!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) You pig-faced little worm!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) Yes, but there's just one small problem! No one is as
strong as Star-sky!
*Red Frown* (Underling) Make your reports to Rathgar with this transmitter!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) And who would try to betray the great Rathgar!?
*Red Squid* (Star-sky) Everyone, to the Battle Squid!
Tilly: In return for your assistance, I can provide you with a most
considerable armament, plutonium bombs, aerial mines, homing torpedoes...
TV:
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) Yes... Our time to strike back has arrived!
*Red Frown* (Boy) Star-sky! We can beat them if we all join together!
*Red Frown* (Star-sky) They're storming the gates!!
*Red Frown* (Star-sky) Surely, you are the greatest wizard in the land!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) The magics of darkness are vast!! Ahahahah!
*Red Flag* (Gauntlet Hero) Once again, we must fight for the freedom of our
home!
Tilly: Then, we have come to an agreement?
TV:
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) I want this troublesome gnat to suffer before he
dies!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) A starship filled with slaves will take off tomorrow
for the mines of Copina!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) Another defeat at the hands of the nuisance, Star-sky!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) And how unlucky it is that you've run into me! Hahaha!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) Star-sky must not slip through my fingers again!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) I will have no more of it!
*Red Frown* (Gauntlet Hero) If our rebellion is to grow and succeed...
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) Return to the Fright Zone, tomorrow!
*Red Frown* (Star-sky) I smell trouble!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) I hope you're better than your robots!!
*Red Frown* (Rathgar) That is, if you are to get back your title of "Horde
Captain" instead of "Horde Janitor"!
*Green Smiley* (Rathgar) My attendant, Drizzlor, will meet you to discuss
our plan of attack!
Tilly:
*Success* Excellent. Until then...
*Failure 1* You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend.
*Failure 2* You, sir, are the most repugnant, base-minded wastrel I should
ever come across!
Strange girl in a strange land, this exchange student is SO not the shy,
timid girl you'd expect, not with muscles that big. You'll have to convince
just how wonderful American hospitality can be...
=============
17A. Chat 1 =
=============
(Larry approaches Zanna at the Greek Quad.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Are you lost ma'am, because Heaven's a looong way from here...
*Red Condom* Hey, uh, somebody call for a balloon sculptor?
*Red Frown* Do you like peanut brittle as much as I do?
Zanna: Hello. I am with pleasure at meeting you.
Larry:
*Red Drunk Face* Welll, St. Pauli Girl. I just wanted to tell you I've been
enjoying your fun-loving German beer ever since I turned the legal drinking
age of twenty-one!
*Green Smiley* Uh, I'm sorry, uh, what was that?
*Red Frown* Sooo, uh, you know where a guy can find some "action" in this
town?
Zanna: How is it?
Larry:
*Red Sombrero* Whoa whoa. Slow down, I don't speak Mexican...
*Red Wang* Uh, Heidi? If you've got the hankerin' for a nice juicy weiner-
schnitzel, we could go back to my place...
*Green Smiley* It? How is what?
Zanna: Thanking you. Fine, I am doing...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Y'know, with a little red hair dye, I think you could help me
put my Pippi Longstocking fetish behind me, once and for all...
*Red Frown* Mmmm... Swiss Miss. Nothin's as fine as your creamy hot cocoa...
*Green Smiley* Great, that's great. Fine I am doing, too. (stares at her
boobs) Yeah... just fine...
*Red Frown* Did I detect a midwestern lilt to your voice?
*Red Frown* Sooo, you from... Jersey?
*Green Smiley* Sooo, uh, you from around here?
Zanna: I was for small country. It was unusual and first distance here...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, I'm for small countries, as well...
*Red Frown* Small countries are unusual, but...
*Red Frown* Small Country? Never heard of it. Listen, uh...
*Green Smiley* I always say it's not the size of your country...
*Red Ruler* I always say it's not the length of your country...
*Red Frown* I always say it's not the girth of your country...
*Red Fish* It's the motion of the ocean...
*Red Frown* It's the magic in the stick!
*Green Smiley* It's how you use it...
*Red Frown* As someone who happens to be one-eighth Eskimo...
*Green Smiley* Speaking as an American, let me say...
*Red Boobs* Uh, I may be staring directly at your breasts, right now, but
listen to me...
*Red Frown* I think it's time Nikolai Volkoff issued a few public apologies!
*Green Smiley* I think your country must acknowledge that Ivan Drago's murder
of Apollo Creed was not an accident!
*Red Flag* It's about time your country admits to holding American POWs in
Vietnam! You can't hide anymore! Rambo has already proven their existence!
*Green Smiley* Only then, can the healing begin!
*Red Explosion* Only then, we can nuke you to kingdom come...
*Red Frown* Only then, you and me can have sex...
Zanna: Please.
Larry:
*Red Brain* What's the deal with Communism? Is that what Rainman had?
*Red Frown* I must say, I admire your Zangief, though. He's quite an
accomplished technical wrestler.
*Green Smiley* Now, you may have given us Yakov Smirnoff, but to be fair, but
to be fair, we did give you Billy Crystal! Eesh.
Zanna: Please. Where is it your labatory?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, uh, I'm sorry...
*Red Angry Face* Did you just interrupt me?
*Red Frown* Uhhh... pardon?
*Green Smiley* Oh, oh, the lavatory! Here, follow me!
*Red Frown* Oh, the lavatory! Uh, number one or number two?
*Red Poo* Oh, the lavatory! Gotta shake out a few clinkers, huh?
Zanna:
*Success* Okey-dokey!
*Failure 1* Larry, we have saying in village. "To the donkey, thorns taste
better than hay."
*Failure 2* Larry, we have saying in village. "Too many barbers would be
ready to shave the beard of a beardless man."
=============
17B. Chat 2 =
=============
(Zanna taps into a device as Larry approaches her.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Whatcha doin'?
*Red Frown* Plaid Mart's got expired beets on sale! Only $4.99!
*Red Condom* Oh, man! You should see what I found in the garbage, today!
Condoms! You wash 'em off and they're just like new!
Zanna: Nothing! I do nothing! You see nothing!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Uh, I'm sorry. I thought I could catch you going to the bathroom
behind the bushes, but... Hey, what is that?
*Green Smiley* Hey... What is that?
*Red Brain* What is that beeping? I coulda sworn the CIA stopped monitoring
my brain waves after I took out all my fillings...
Zanna (stops tapping and turns around): What is what?
Larry:
*Red Frown* I know what that is! It's one of those "Morris Code" machines!
*Red Frown* What?
*Green Smiley* That thing that your...
Zanna: This? Eh, is Speak and Spell!
Larry:
*Red Ruler* Oh yeah? Hmm... Looks more like a Speak and Math to me!
*Green Smiley* Speak and Spell, eh? That doesn't look like any Speak and
Spell I've ever seen!
*Red Frown* Speak and Spell, eh? That's mighty suspicious. Trying to phone
home, are ya?
Zanna: Eh, is new! Is more... high quality!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Okay. Well, how come it doesn't speak!
*Red Frown* Speak and Spell prepared me for a whole lifetime of giving up
early! I still can't spell "beach"...
*Red Frown* Yeah? You can't fool me! I wasn't born yesterday! I was born...
twenty... some... years ago!
Zanna: Is Speak and Spell! (attempts to throw her voice from the device)
"Cat"! K-U-T! "Cat"!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Speak and Spell makes learning what it should be... fun!
*Green Smiley* Hmmm... I s'pose you're right, but...
*Red Frown* That's an easy one! Can it spell "rendezvous"?
Zanna: So... dude? What favorite American activities are you to doing today?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* I'm going to go to the store to get some spot remover for
my sock stirrups...
*Red Frown* I was going to go to the retirement home and help check the
residents for deer ticks...
*Red Frown* I was going to go shopping for some new manila folders...
Zanna: Yes! That sounding so rrrrad to the max! You and me, we go do this
thing, what you say, amigo?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Nah. I don't think you'd be interested...
*Red Cheese* That's okay, but if you want, I could get you some deodorant
while I'm out...
*Red Frown* Sorry. My unicycle only carries one passenger.
Zanna: What? This is no good? Is dweeb-o-rama, right? We to party hardy?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Sooo, you Eastern Bloc girls like to party, huh?
*Red Hick Face* I've had no idea what you've been saying for at least the
last five minutes...
*Red Frown* Dweeb-o-Rama? That's not 'til December! I hear Urkel's gonna
be the keynote speaker, though! Heheheh...
Zanna:
*Success* Larry, you come with me. We to playing favorite pastime of my
village...
*Failure 1* Larry, we have saying in village. "The meek lamb sucks from two
mothers".
*Failure 2* Larry, we have saying in village. "If you break the fast,
better eat pork, not kurt."
=============
17C. Chat 3 =
=============
(Larry chats with Zanna at the Sorority House.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* So, this is it. The promised land! Blue Broadway, baby!
Cloud Seven! The land of milk and honey!
*Red Frown* Mecca! Your humble supplicant has arrived!
*Red Frown* Yes! I've finally slipped through the gates of the Forbidden
City!
Zanna: Is... sorority house, Larry...
Larry:
*Red Frown* I know! This place is just crawlin' with cooties!
*Green Smiley* Yes, it is! It certainly is...
*Red Frown* Yes, I hear the watercress salad here is to die for...
*Red Frown* Eh, change of plan. We're gonna have to sneak the goat in
through the back door.
*Green Smiley* So, this is where it all happens, eh?
*Red Butt* Anyway, I just happen to have some cinnamon-scented rear entry
anal lube handy!
*Green Smiley* It's gonna happen, right?
*Red Frown* Now, you might be a bit nervous about it, but a handful of
valium oughtta take care of that.
*Red Frown* Now, it hurts everybody at first, but you'll ease into it. You
might even enjoy it...
Zanna: It happen? What happen, Larry?
Larry:
*Red Frown* You see, I read it in "So That's How I Was Born" that...
*Red Frown* This is the way Mom and Dad explained it to me...
*Green Smiley* Oh, come now. Don't play so coy with me...
*Red Wang* Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!
*Green Smiley* You're a woman, and I'm a man...
*Red Frown* I got a train, and you got a tunnel...
*Red Frown* And sometimes we get a funny feeling in our "special place"...
*Red Frown* And when a man and a woman love each other, they share...
*Green Smiley* These things happen...
*Green Smiley* So, let's let our emotions free-range!
*Red Frown* So, let's get butt-booty-naked and do the wild thing!
*Red Frown* So, just bend over. I'll drive...
Zanna: We do many thing in my country. What thing?
Larry:
*Red Frown* What, I gotta spell this out for you?
*Red Frown* Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talkin' about...
*Green Smiley* Come on, sweetie. It!
*Red Devil* A flesh session? Bareback riding?
*Red Devil* Bumpin' uglies! The dirty deed!
*Green Smiley* The old jing-jang! A little heavy breathing!
*Red Devil* Gettin' the ol' plumbing snaked? The beef injection? Y'know?
Bouncy bouncy?
*Green Smiley* The horizontal hula! Some he'n and she'n! Y'know? Bouncy
bouncy?
*Red Devil* Bush Patrol? Wing-ding? Y'know? Bouncy bouncy?
Zanna: Ah, bouncy bouncy! Yes, michoko(?)! I enjoy much michoko in my
country!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Yeah! Michoko? You-choko, honey!
*Red Devil* That's the dirty girl I know!
*Red Shocked Face* It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?
Zanna: Oh, Larry. I so very much excited!
Larry:
*Red Wang* Oh, man! Check out this boner!
*Green Smiley* Whoa... You and me ain't the only ones!
*Red Shocked Face* Uh oh! Pee-pee get big!
Zanna: I study michoko with Simu Kosman when little girl! But, my
preparation was not up to standard necessary. After couple year, I not give
high-quality performance!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Whoa, they start 'em early over there...
*Green Smiley* As a little girl?
*Red Devil* Thank heaven for little girls!
*Red Devil* Saimu! That old poon-hound!
*Green Smiley* So, uh, how old is this Saimu... Cozzman?
*Red Frown* You and... Saimu... Cozzman...
*Red Frown* I suppose somebody's gotta be the first man in, but...
*Green Smiley* And he held you to performance standards?
*Red Balls* Now, they say if there's grass in the field, let's play ball,
but...
*Red Shocked Face* Man, what a sicko!
*Green Smiley* My goodness, what sort of degenerate monster is this man?
*Red Devil* This guy makes Rob Lowe look like a choir boy!
Zanna: You not hear Simu Kosman? Is famous! Simu Kosman instruct michoko
fifty year in my country! Many best girl learn michoko from Simu Kosman!
They place fourth in Olympic! They maybe place first if not for Kazhakstani
judge!
Larry:
*Red Shocked Face* There's a sexual Olympics? How did I not know this!
*Green Smiley* The Olympics? They haven't had sex in the Olympics since
Ancient Greece!
*Red Frown* Leave it to those Kazhakstanis and their uptight Puritanical
Russian Orthodox lifestyle to spoil everyone else's fun!
*Red Drunk Face* Hold on. I frequently do this. Michoko isn't sex, it's a
trampoline, right?
*Green Smiley* Wait a minute... Bouncy bouncy... You're talking about a
trampoline, aren't you?
*Red Drunk Face* Uh, wait a minute, it seems once again my frequent confusion
and one-track mind have wrought hilarious consequences! You've been
talking about a trampoline this entire time, haven't you?
Zanna: Ja! Trampoline! Michoko!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Hey, wait a minute, your equestrian team got eliminated for
steroids, didn't it?
*Green Smiley* I saw you guys! You were lucky to get fourth place!
*Red Frown* You guys are some of the most dirty underhanded Olympians ever in
the games!
*Red Cheese* These festering East European sewers actually think they can
play basketball...
*Green Smiley* These insignificant third-world countries... Every once in a
while, they think they can compete with the big boys...
*Red Frown* These nuclear test site sandpits think they got a chance in the
curling competition...
*Red Frown* But, maybe if the Olympics start hosting events involving more
headless goat carcasses, you could actually win a medal!
*Green Smiley* But, the good ol' US of A cuts them back down to size!
*Red Frown* Y'know, maybe if you wash your female gymnastic team's backs, you
might actually win some more brownie points from the judges...
Zanna: You say this thing of my country? Ha! I say same at you! USA is
weak, little man! Is sitting duck! We will crush you, USA!
Larry:
*Red Flag* Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list!
*Green Smiley* Anytime, anyplace, Big Red!
*Red Frown* Oooo... Justice will be served and the battle will rage!
*Red Flag* And there's gonna be Hell when you hear Mother Freedom ringin'
her bell!
*Green Smiley* We'll light up your world like a Fourth of July!
*Red Foot* We'll put a boot in your ass! It's the American way!
Zanna:
*Success* You may have defeat me at your Quarters recreation, little man, but
I will show you now our physical superiority!
*Failure 1* Larry, we have saying in village. "When the sea turn to rye
meal, the poor man lost his spoon." Good night, Larry...
*Failure 2* Larry, we have saying in village. "The blind hen, when it sees
again, wants even to mount the cock." Good night, Larry...
******************************************************************************
18. EXTRA CONVERSATIONS
******************************************************************************
These are a few extra conversations that aren't with any of the fifteen
wooable girls, singly. To get the Sweet Lou Chat, you have to speak to the
Commissar on the Crappy Streets. The Swingles Chat is with Barbara Jo,
Morgan, and Suzi, all at once, and happens at the end of the game. The Uma
Chat is a special chat you can only do after beating the game, and is
basically a chat that was "removed" from the normal storyline for continuity
reasons.
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Uh, excuse me. I'd like to buy this heart-shaped cookie for
you.
*Red Devil* Take this humble offering of love...
*Red NO Sign* This cookie is symbolic of the unity between a woman and a
man...
*Green Smiley* Ahem... Compliments of the... Commissar...
*Red NO Sign* I'm saying it's from the Commissar, because, well, I'm ashamed
to express my love openly...
*Red Devil* From the Commissar, but hey, if he can't satisfy your love, try
me...
Sweet Lou: (downs a shot from her hip flask) Doctor tell me I can't mix my
Valtrex and my alcohol... Wha? Commissar? That no-good stone-broke ol'
heister. Tell 'im stay away from my store! I like YOU, though. Kinda
look like that Weird Al fella... Heheh...
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* I think I remember him! Uh, who was he again?
*Green Smiley* What in the hell are you talkin' about?
*Red Shocked Face* Sorry, I uh, didn't hear you. I was lost in your eyes...
Sweet Lou: Y'know, he takes songs we all know, and like changes the words from
what they regular are and puts in things about food and stuff that are
funny... Heh...
Larry:
*Red Smiley(?)* Actually, people tell me I look like Nick Nolte's mugshot...
*Red Hick Face* Actually, people tell me I look like Hulk Hogan...
*Green Smiley* Actually, people tell me I look like Robert Redford...
Sweet Lou: Who?
Larry:
*Red Shocked Face* Y'know, he was in that movie with that black guy...
*Red Hick Face* Y'know, that guy with the blonde hair and the teeth and stuff?
*Green Smiley* Y'know, he's in the movies, and on the cover of magazines...
Sweet Lou: Oh yeah, THAT asshole... Haha! Gotcha! Say, yer cute! If I had
some bread I'd just sop you right up! Yum!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Yeah, don't need bread. Just this cookie from the Commissar...
*Red Alien* Ohhh, that sounds sexy. What else would you do?
*Red Drunk Face* Yeah, I just might like that...
Sweet Lou: Then I'd eatcha in little tiny bites until you was all gone! Then
I'd come back for seconds! Yer hot stuff, man!
Larry:
*Red NO Sign* I'm even hotter in the sack!
*Green Smiley* Y'know who is hot stuff? The Commissar! Voted one of
America's 25 Most Eligible Bachelors by Streetwise!
*Red Devil* I want you to come back for thirds and fourths! Keep on comin'
'til the end of all time!
Sweet Lou: Hey, man, I toured with Grand Funk in '72. Fucked Bockman, Turner,
AND Overdrive! Know that song, "Takin' Care of Business"? Wrote that about
me, man...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* I thought that song was about takin' care of business?
*Red Wang* Grand Funk, huh? Y'know, I hear Don Brewer's hung like an
elephant...
*Red Devil* I'd like to take care of that bizz-nazz!
Sweet Lou: I was a fine woman, still am. Fine enough for a certain rock and
roll group go by the name Kansas. Know that queer-lookin' fella with that
eyepatch, played the violin? Sucked his dick backstage at the state fair
last year! That's right! Believe it!
Larry:
*Red NO Sign* Yeah, I'd like to take you (sings) to the point of no
retuuuurn!
*Red Devil* Hmm... I like my women like a fine wine... Aged to perfection!
*Green Smiley* Too bad he wasn't missin' both of his eyes!
Sweet Lou: Playin' hard to get, huh?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, man, you smell like herpes!
*Red Devil* That's the way you like it, baby!
*Red Wang* Ohhh, I'm hard, all right...
Sweet Lou:
*Success* That's right. Keep on tellin' you don't want some o' THIS (presents
rear), man! Heh. You'll be back...
*Failure 1* That's right. C'mere! I want you to stick yer straw in my
guppy!
*Failure 2* Better buy a few of these Mountain of Money instant win scratch
tickets, 'cause yer gettin' lucky tonight!
(Larry is seated with Barbara Jo, Morgan, and Suzi, at a table at the Titty
City.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Sorry to keep you waiting, ladies...
*Red Lips* Whoa! Any of you gals see that stripper in the black garters?
Yummers!
*Red Devil* Wow! Have you had a look around? I'm gonna have a hard time
concentrating on you three, that's for sure...
*Green Smiley* So, uh, have you guys had a chance to get acquainted yet,
huh?
*Red Devil* So, you girls gettin' horned up, yet, huh?
*Red Boobs* So, uh, anybody want a quick titty dance before we get started,
eh? I mean, I know I could sure use one...
Suzi: I'm bored...
Barbara Jo: I'm scared...
Morgan: I really do not wanna be here...
Larry:
*Red Boobs* Oh, come on! They're just breasts! Besides, the free lunch
buffet starts in an hour and a half...
*Green Smiley* Well, if you like, we can try for the VIP Room, but I don't
think there's room enough for the three of us AND the camera crew, do you?
Heheh...
*Red Devil* You guys are sayin' that now, but wait 'til Nefertitty comes
out, and does her snake-charming routine, wow!
*Red Boobs* Now, if you'd like to take your shirts off to make the strippers
feel more comfortable, fine by me!
*Green Smiley* Hey, I know what we need!
*Red Money* All right, now, first, everyone throw all the cash they have on
the table and see what we've got. Now, I'm a little low right now, so
instead, I'll put an IOU on this cocktail napkin...
*Red Frown* How about we sit back, relax, and take in a shower show in the
VIP Room? A couple of these chicks in there really get into it!
*Green Smiley* How 'bout a few cocktails to take the edge off!
*Red Lips* How about, some clam strips!? Mmm, mmm, mmm! We'll get two
baskets!
Morgan: Larry, don't get me wrong. I'm happy to be here, but don't you think
this is a tad weird taking us to a strip bar on a date?
Suzi: Why? You uptight?
Morgan: I'm not uptight!
Barbara Jo: I'm uptight!
Suzi: That's not what I heard...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Let's take it easy, huh? The manager's looking for any excuse to
take away my VIP membership and ban me from the club...
*Red Frown* We have a looong night ahead of us. There'll be plenty of time
for hair-pulling and clothes-tearing later!
*Green Smiley* Save some energy for later, babes! One of you is gonna need
it...
(Zena walks up with some drinks.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* Oh, hey, Zena! I didn't know you were workin' tonight! Listen...
*Red Angry Face* Finally, some freakin' service! Listen...
*Green Smiley* Ah, perfect! Hey, how you doin'... Listen...
*Red Frown* This Frequent Saver Card has six punches in it, and this one has
four, which earns me a free drink!
*Red Money* I have a few coupons here from the last couple of issues of
"Red Light".
*Green Smiley* Uh, I have two "two for one" coupons for these...
*Red Frown* One of them is expired, but uh, I was hoping...
*Red Money* One of them is expired, but uh, come here hon. I don't think I
have to explain that there's gonna be a nice tip for you if...
*Green Smiley* Now, one of them, is uh, expired, but Linus said...
Morgan: Larry, that's uh, sweet of you, but I'll pay for them...
Larry:
*Red Shocked Face* Oho! This is a night of firsts! Hey, thanks, Morgan!
*Red Frown* Cool! Thanks, Morgan! Next time I donate plasma, I'll make
sure to get you back...
*Green Smiley* Okay!!
*Red Wang* But as much as I appreciate the gesture, you'll have to keep your
hands off my privates for now, hehehe. I'll have to remain impartial 'til
after the date...
*Red Drunk Face* However, it's gonna take a lot more than a few beers to
get into my pants...
*Green Smiley* But that's not gonna earn you any special points. I gotta
remain impartial until after the questions start...
Morgan: Well, darn for me...
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Why don't we start with our first question?
*Red Hick Face* Okay, first things first. I lost the questions the producers
gave us, but I wrote down what I remembered, and I'm pretty sure I got 'em
right, so here goes...
*Red Frown* Anyways, I thought all the questions the producers gave me sucked,
so I took the liberty of writing my own... Here we go!
*Green Smiley* On a scale of one to ten...
*Red Ruler* On a scale of one to ten, with one being the lowest, and ten
being the highest, and the number two being the second lowest, and the
number nine being the second highest...
*Red Ruler* Using the numbers one through ten, with ten being the highest
and one being the lowest, and the numbers two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight, and nine representing varying degrees of how strongly you feel you
excel...
*Green Smiley* How would you rate yourself at whoopie!
*Red Frown* How would you rate yourself at... "hiding the salami"?
*Red Frown* How would you rate yourself at... "windsurfing Mount Bald"?
*Red Frown* I don't even remember what you said the first time!
*Red Frown* I'm not even listening!
*Green Smiley* Go for it!
Barbara Jo: Twenty-three!!!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Good job, Barbara Jo! Wow, you girls are makin' this tough to
decide!
*Green Smiley* Excellent!
*Red Brain* Great answer! Wow! Hey, somebody's done her homework, eh?
Yeah!
*Red Frown* All right, let's see if we can thin the herd with this one...
*Green Smiley* Okay, then, next question...
*Red Flag* All right, here's a question I think all of America has a right
to know...
*Red Frown* Where is the strangest place you've ever "slapped together a flesh
session"?
*Green Smiley* Where is the strangest place you've ever "juggled the old
canoe"?
*Red Frown* Where's the strangest place you've ever "growled at the old
badger"?
Morgan: Larry, are you talking about sex?
Larry:
*Red Hick Face* Um, I, uh, I think so?
*Green Smiley* Um... Yes...
*Red Hick Face* Y'know... I have no idea!
Morgan: Inside... one of the guard towers at the Photon Lazer Tag Arena...
Suzi: Behind a dumpster at the last Iggy Pop concert...
Barbara Jo: Assistant Dean Abrahamson's private bathroom, but you guys have
to keep that a secret!
(Dean Abrahamson, sitting across the room, does a spit take.)
Larry:
*Red Frown* You heard it here first, folks!
*Red Frown* Hey, your secret's safe with us!
*Green Smiley* Great! Wow!
*Red Frown* Oooo! All right, I made this one up myself. This one's great!
*Red Frown* Okay! Let's get to some of the serious questions, here...
*Green Smiley* Whoa, this is goin' way better than I thought. All right,
next question...
*Red Pirate Hat* If a kindly dragon whisked you away to a magical cloud
kingdom, and offered you millions of dollars in pirate treasure to have
sex with him, would you do it, even though you had a boyfriend back on
Earth?
*Red Frown* If you were living in a magical fantasy universe ruled by an
ancient and wise dragon, with whom you were very much in love, and had a
second dragon stole you away from the first dragon, and told you that the
only way you could return to the first dragon was to have sex with him,
would you betray the first dragon's love, or would you remain faithful,
even if it meant never seeing him again?
*Green Smiley* If you were magically transported to a mystical fantasy
universe, and had to make whoopie with a dragon in order to save the human
race, would you do it?
*Red Frown* And if so, would you expect spooning?
*Red Frown* And if so, do you think you'd enjoy it? Huh?
*Green Smiley* And if so, would you angry if you found out later that the
dragon was lying to you...
*Red Frown* Who's first?
*Red Frown* All right, now. One at a time, ladies...
*Green Smiley* Suzi, let's start with you, this time...
Suzi: Yes... and... no...
*Red Frown* Hmmm, yes. I find myself oddly aroused. Barbara Jo?
*Red Frown* Hmm. I'll put that one in my fantasy file. Barbara Jo?
*Green Smiley* Interesting! Barbara Jo...
Barbara Jo: What's a dragon?
Morgan: I'm sorry, that question's just weird, can we skip to the next one?
Suzi: Man, you are uptight!
Morgan: Heh, because I wouldn't have sex with a dragon?
Suzi: You'd sit there and rot in some cave forever just so you wouldn't have
to give a dragon a blowjob?
Barbara Jo: I like dragons!
Morgan: Okay, sure, fine! Under those circumstances, I would do it...
Suzi: Man, what a sicko!
Morgan: What?! You fucking hypocrite!
Suzi: I dunno about you, sweetie, but I ain't chuggin' dragon cock for no
man, no how...
Morgan: You bitch!!
Larry (raises bottle):
*Green Smiley* Ladies, a toast!
*Red Frown* Ahe-he-hem! Excuse me! The show's about me, remember? Hehehe...
*Red Frown* Girls! To us!
*Green Smiley* Look, I just want you guys to know that if it were up to me,
and I mean this sincerely...
*Red Frown* As the only male contestant on this crappy reality dating show,
I bear an enormous responsibility. If it were up to me...
*Red Frown* Many times in life, a man finds himself at the crossroads of a
life-changing decision. If this were up to me...
*Green Smiley* I would keep all three of ya!
*Red Devil* It would be threesome city, tonight!
*Red Frown* We'd all get naked!
*Green Smiley* But, rules are rules...
*Red Frown* But Swingles is not just a TV show, it's an institution, and its
laws and customs must be abided by...
*Red Flag* But when I came on this show, I took an oath! An oath to create
stirring television for uneducated woman in their low to mid-twenties!
*Green Smiley* So, unfortunately, I'm gonna have to cut one of you loose
before we advance to the next round of the date...
*Red Frown* So, the ugliest one's gotta go...
*Red Frown* So, somebody's gonna have to get tossed, and as a result, sex
with me will come in the near future, instead of tonight...
*Green Smiley* But before that happens, I wanna toast you guys and let you
know that this has been, without a doubt...
*Red Frown* I wanna tell the loser first: Don't worry. Before you leave, I
will take down your phone number and call you in the future! And I wanna
tell each of you that this has been...
*Red Frown* Now, with a haircut, some new clothes, and perhaps some minor
cosmetic surgery, you might have made the grade! But, that is water under
the bridge! I'd just like to say that this has been...
*Green Smiley* ...the best date of my entire life! Cheers!
*Red Frown* ...the only date I've gone out on in my entire life!!! Thank
you, good night!!!
*Red Flag* ...the greatest day of my entire life!!! WOOOO!! USA, USA, USA,
USA!!!
Swingles Director:
*Success* And that's a wrap! Okay, everybody! Let's move on! Places,
and... Five... four... three...
*Failure 1* Larry, come on. Again, we're syndicated, we're not on cable.
Let's cut down on the potty mouth a little, shall we?
*Failure 2* Uh, hey! Uh, everybody, I'm sorry. I was actually getting a
table dance. Uh, all right, everyone, we're gonna need to get that again!
===============
18C. Uma Chat =
===============
(Larry approaches Uma at the Swingles set.)
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Hey, baby. Don't I know you from somewhere?
*Red Frown* Hey, there, too fine mama! Oh! Don't I know you from somewhere?
*Red Frown* Gladys! It's Gladys, right? It's me, Larry! We met on Amatuer
Night over at Titty City, remember?
Uma: Eheh. No. I'm quite sure we've never met...
Larry:
*Red Frown* No, we have met before, I'm sure of it! Maybe the (ahem)
relaxation spa over near the airport?
*Green Smiley* Are you sure? 'Cause you seem awwwwful familiar!
*Red Lobster Claw* Wait a second, I know! You work at Red Lobster, don't
you? I asked for your number! You, uh, forgot to write it on the check, by
the way...
Uma: Ugh. Okay, I'm on TV, all right, it's no big deal. I host a reality
dating show. Didn't you see the cheap-ass set on your campus' lawn? It's a
major plot point of the game, for Christ's sake...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Honestly, if it's not Mama's Family, I'm probably not watchin'.
*Red Frown* Eh, I don't watch TV, too much violence...
*Green Smiley* No, that's not it...
*Red Frown* Ever done any 1-900 commercials? I've always been curious to see
how one of those are filmed...
*Green Smiley* Have you been in anything else?
*Red Butt* I know, Playboy! The Girls of Carrot Top issue! Yeah! (sing-song)
I've seen you naked!
Uma: Uh, no no, not at all... Done a little modeling, some theater, nothing
you'd remember, I'm sure...
Larry:
*Red Frown* Oh, for goodness sake, quit lying and come out with it wo-(GASP)
*Red Frown* No, darnit! (begins stroking motions) Now, maybe if I recreate
what I was doing when I saw you, it'll (GASP)
*Green Smiley* Nooo, I definitely remember you... (GASP)
*Red Butt* Balls Deep Butt Babes 7!
*Red Butt* Back Door Boffers in Prague!
*Green Smiley* Terms of En-rear-ment!
*Red Flag* You played President Fullbush, didn't ya! I knew it!
*Green Smiley* The French Maid, right? Third scene? You and... Reginald
Ramjet!
*Red Frown* You played Warden Kinksteen, didn't you? I knew it!
Uma: Uh, look, there are a lot of people in the world and some of them look
like each other, okay?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Oh, no. I recognize you!
*Red Frown* Oh, come on, now. Don't be bashful!
*Red Butt* That may be, but that ass is one of a kind!
*Red Butt* I'd recognize those award-winning ass-cheeks anywhere, clothed or
not!
*Red Frown* You've got more talent in just one of those cheeks than most porn
stars do in their whole body!
*Green Smiley* I'd know those dimples anywhere!
*Red Butt* You can't fool me. Watching that movie is like a weekend ritual
for me! I can't remember the last time I spent a Saturday night without it!
*Red Frown* You can't fool me, I have that move practically memorized! "Oh,
I'm sorry, Congressman, but this bill has way too much pork! I cannot sign
it in good conscience!" "I'll show you pork, baby!" Zzzip! Thonk! Heheh!
What a great line!
*Green Smiley* Besides, I've seen that movie a hundred times, and it's
definitely you!
Uma: Look, you little pervert... I've been clawing my way out of cable hell
for the past five years! And I'm not gonna have you fuck it all up by
telling the whole world about some goddamn skin flick that I made when I was
eighteen fucking years old!
Larry:
*Red Frown* Well, excuse me for bein' a fan!
*Green Smiley* Okay, okay, geez I'm sorry!
*Red Frown* I'm sorry...I--I'm sorry, geez, look, I'm not a stalker, I swear!
*Red Frown* It's just I've always dreamt of meeting you, that's all...
*Green Smiley* I was just gonna say that I really admired your work...
*Red Frown* It's just... well, your work means a lot to me! That's all...
*Green Smiley* Most actresses just kinda sit there pretending to enjoy
themselves...
*Red Depressed Face* Most porn stars don't even try with anal scenes anymore.
They go down a few valium, bend over, and think that's enough...
*Red Frown* Most actresses are completely unoriginal with their dirty talk:
a few "oh yeah"'s, and a couple of "oh, it's so big"'s. Y'know? And they
could care less if we get our money's worth!
*Red Frown* I remember you because you gave it your all! I mean, it's like
you said in Ass-gasm! "I give it my all because I do this for the fans!" I
really respected that!
*Red Explosion* I remember you because you didn't take any guff! If Ron
Jeremy slapped your ass, oh, you slapped him right back!
*Green Smiley* I remember you because you really got into it!
Uma: I'm so very flattered, now get the hell out of here before I have my
assistant bring me my tazer gun...
Larry:
*Red Frown* See you at the Vivendi party, I guess...
*Red Frown* See you in the sequel, I guess...
*Green Smiley* See you in the ending cinema, I guess...
Uma: Did you, uh... really think I was that good?
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Wha- Are you kidding?
*Red Ape-man* Do I? Does a colobus monkey masturbate with two hands?
*Red Frown* Good? Oh no no no. You weren't "good". You were fan-freaking-
tastic! That's what you were!
*Red Frown* I don't mean to sound like one of those obsessed fans, okay, but
I have three, count 'em, three copies of that tape, one at home, one at
school, and one in a safe deposit box in case both my school and my parent's
house burns down!
*Green Smiley* Look, I don't mean to sound like a pervert, but you're the
reason I buy batteries for my remote!
*Red Frown* Okay, I don't mean to sound like an obsessed fan, but I actually
own the crotchless panties you wore and the stool used in that scene!
*Red Frown* You're like the Babe Ruth of butt action!
*Green Smiley* Best performance I've ever seen, bar none!
*Red Frown* You're like.... the Beatles, only of porn!
*Green Smiley* And believe me, I know good rear-entry when I see it!
*Red Frown* What happened to you? I mean, you coulda been a big star! Why'd
you quit?
*Red Frown* I don't think I'm exaggerating when I'm saying you changed the
face of doggy-style as we know it, forever!
Uma: Just between you and me, that was the most difficult acting experience
I've ever had in my entire life! Everyone looks down on those ho's for what
they do, but they earn their money! I'd like to see Susan Sarandon try a
scene like that!
Larry:
*Green Smiley* Me too!
*Red Frown* Who wouldn't??
*Red Frown* You and me both!
Uma:
*Success* Okay, Larry, nice talkin' to you. Good luck with the rest of the
game, and uh, do me a favor and keep that tape to yourself, huh?
*Failure 1* Security? Security!!
*Failure 2* Heheh. You're sweet. You'll be hearing from my lawyers about
the tape...
Currently, the following sites have permission to post my FAQ:
www.gamefaqs.com
www.gamewinners.com
www.ign.com
I'm not going to allow people with small personal sites to post this.
They may post the link on GameFAQs with all the LSL guides, but, trying to
keep updates, well, updated, I'll only allow large committed sites that I
trust.
You shouldn't need to e-mail me about this. It's just a script, but if you
do decide to, don't spam me or anything, and spell correctly and use proper
grammar or it'll go to the junk pile...
==============
19C. Credits =
==============
CJayC and Al Amaloo for having this on their sites.
Al Lowe, for the creation of the Leisure Suit Larry series.
Sierra, Vivendi Universal, and High Voltage Studios, for reviving the series.
Ed Kuehnel of High Voltage for providing me with the REAL lyrics for Lesbian
Nights. Thank you!
======================
19D. Version Updates =
======================
Version 0.5 - 10/15/2004 - Half done.
Version 0.8 - 10/18/2004 - About 3/4's done. Eleven left.
Version 1.0 - 10/23/2004 - Done and done. It was fun! Actually, I am missing
a few "failure" speeches. They're not terribly important, but it's a random
shot when you fail a chat to get one of two speeches, and on Beatrice Chat
3, Bilzarbra Chat 3, Charlotte Chat 2 and Chat 3, and Ione(L) Chat 2, I
only have one each. Now, there may be only one for those, but if you hear
a new one, give me a shout...
Version 1.1 - 11/4/2004 - Thanks to Ed Kuehnel for giving me the real script
for Ione(L) Chat 2.
=====================
19E. The Final Word =
=====================
Ah, the joys of mackin' on the ladies. These are some of the most hilarious
pieces of dialogue in existence! If you find any misspelling or
discrepancies, let me know, 'kay?
