| This guide has a 68.75% GameFAQs approval rating. |
o-----------------o o-----------------o
| 11 Yes / 5 No | (04/06/2017)
o---------------o
______
,-' '--__--,___,
/ ,,',__,___,<
,--, ,--, / /\_|___|__|_| ,--, ,--, /--| /------/
| |/ / / / / | |_| | / | '- -'
| / __ ,| / /--/_,--,___, | _ | / , | / /
| . \ / _'''|| ||\ , / | | | | / __ | / /
| | \ \ '' ''' \ \ \-______,,' | | | | / / | | / /
'-' --' \ \ |___--, '--' '--' -- -- --
\, ----,,/
'-----,
,-----------------,
| K~CHAT SCRIPT |
,-------------------------------------------------------,
|~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-TABLE OF CONTENTS-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|
|---------------------------------------------------------|
| 1 - Introduction.............................[010000] |
| 2 - Script...................................[020000] |
| i - Jezz Torrent.........................[020100] |
| ii - Farewell Ranch......................[020200] |
| iii - Giggle Cream.......................[020300] |
| iv - Complete the Look...................[020400] |
| v - Jezz Torrent - Pools of Pain.........[020500] |
| vi - The American Thing!.................[020600] |
| vii - Pet Stuffers.......................[020700] |
| viii - Sissy Spritze.....................[020800] |
| ix - Michelle Carapadis..................[020900] |
| x - The Military.........................[021000] |
| xi - Commercial Break....................[021100] |
| xii - Yuppie and the Alien...............[021200] |
| xiii - BJ's Used Autos...................[021300] |
| xiv - Michelle Carapadis - Callers.......[021400] |
| xv - Giggle Cream........................[021500] |
| xvi - Exploder...........................[021600] |
| xvii - Mr Zoo............................[021700] |
| xviii - Pit Balm.........................[021800] |
| xix - Just the Five of Us................[021900] |
| xx - Mr Zoo: On the Phones...............[022000] |
| xxi - Pastor Richards Statue.............[022100] |
| xxii - Maibatsu Thunder..................[022200] |
| xxiii - Gethsemanee......................[022300] |
| xxiv - Farewell Ranch....................[022400] |
| xxv - Exploder Survival Knife............[022500] |
| xxvi - Gethsemanee - Coven Leader Phil...[022600] |
| xxvii - BJ's Fit for Football............[022700] |
| xxviii - Domestobot......................[022800] |
| xxix - BJ Smith..........................[022900] |
| xxx - Musty Pines........................[023000] |
| xxxi - Knife After Dark..................[023100] |
| xxxii - BJ Smith - Comeback..............[023200] |
| xxxiii - Degenatron......................[023300] |
| xxxiv - Salivex..........................[023400] |
| xxxv - Claude Maginot....................[023500] |
| xxxvi - D'Leo and Furax..................[023600] |
| xxxvii - Ammu-Nation.....................[023700] |
| xxxviii - Claude Maginot - Phones........[023800] |
| xxxix - Maibatsu Thunder.................[023900] |
| xl - Advice about Reds...................[024000] |
| xli - Pastor Richard's Statue............[024100] |
| xlii - Thor..............................[024200] |
| xliii - Medallion Man....................[024300] |
| xliv - Synth and Son.....................[024400] |
| xlv - Thor - Phones......................[024500] |
| xlvi - Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.........[024600] |
| xlvii - Think Your Way to Success........[024700] |
| xlviii - Complete the Look...............[024800] |
| 3 - Links to the Past........................[030000] |
| 4 - Version History..........................[040000] |
| 5 - Thanks...................................[050000] |
| 6 - Contact..................................[060000] |
| 7 - Copyright................................[070000] |
|_________________________________________________________|
| |
| Author: dark52 |
| Version: 4.0 |
| Last Updated: 25/06/09 |
| Website:
http://gta.darkspyro.net/ |
| Email: dark52(at)darkspyro(dot)net |
|____________________________________|
,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
|~-[010000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-INTRODUCTION~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~[010000]-~|
'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
Hello and welcome to my scripting for the radio station of Vice City known as
K-Chat. I decided to write out the entire dialogue of the station for very
little reason other then I had finished the game to 100% and had completed all
of my Walkthrough already.
OK then, the script starts at the beginning of the track on the disk, the
interview with Jezz Torrent.
,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
|~-[020000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~SCRIPT~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-[020000]-~|
'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
,--------, ,--------------, ,--------,
| [020100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Jezz Torrent |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [020100] |
'--------' '--------------' '--------'
AMY
God, can we play more commercials on this station? This station is about me.
What? Oh, hmm, Hi, I'm Amy. So right. We're back, I'm here with like, oh my god
this is so exciting, but now I'm here with Jezz Torrent, a Rock god all the way
from Scotland, England. So Jezz, I'm sorry as you can tell oooooooh, I'm a
really huge fan of Love Fist.
JEZZ
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Dinnae say sorry babe, you are a woman of substance and I
like that.
AMY
Thanks, yeah, thanks, that's cool, and oh, Jezz, who is that thing with you?
JEZZ
Ah dinnae mind Mandy, I think she's zoning out a little bit aren't ya man, look
she's gotta take me 24/7, you know what I'm saying, poor lassie she's had a
torrent of Jezz more than one girl can take eh, say hello man.
MANDY
Hi Paul, angle, where are we?
JEZZ
Err, the rock lifestyle hasnae been too good to her, man just go away and sit
in a lavvy until I'm finished hen.
MANDY
Check the fridge.
AMY
Is she ok, I mean apart from being an UGLY CHEAP COW, she looks half dead.
JEZZ
Aye, she, hey, hey, hey, seriously man dinnae cramp my style, I'm an artist you
know.
AMY
Uh, heh, ok jezzy, so Jezz, I was listening to your album on my boom box all
weekend, like how is it, aaah, I mean you know, you're really, totally famous,
no wait, I mean, uuuuhhh like, so anyway, How. Are. You?
JEZZ
Cool Man, I'm cool, things are good, you cant O.D. on love, and I have tried.
The tour is really something special, you Americans, you really know how to
rock and roll man, not like back home.
AMY
I'm so confused, is that because the new album didn't do so well in the UK?
JEZZ
It's that facist Thatcher, I sing about working class people, trying to make it
through a tough life, I sing about the things they want, trashing hotel rooms,
wearing glitter on your eyes, and waking up in a ditch next to a totalled
sports car, when you make minimum wage, love conquers all, know what I mean
Sheila?
AMY
Uh, the names Amy, heh
JEZZ
Aye right, what ever. Like as was sayin man, right, I'm an artist, I ain't in
this for the money, if I were, would I be wearing these clothes? It's because
the critics don't know, you know, they stand there and they do not know, have
they ever really listened to the lyrics to Bury Me Deep Inside? Eh, if the
music isn't what they want to hear, if the songs ain't the right songs, you
know, if things aren't in their space, or whatever, right man, you know that's
my choice you know, because man I am Love Fist and the thing is right they're
not, and if they don't get it, and if they're not riding my wave that day man,
well, you know, I ain't gonna go crying puppies, just because their dog is
teething you know, as far as these idiots are concerned I'm a man, but I tell
you sweet heart I've been over to the other side baby, and man, oh, man it's
beautiful, but these idiots man, they've not been there.
AMY
Ok, riiiight, this last album wasn't your best selling, was it. I don't even
think it charted in the UK!
JEZZ
What is a chart man? A piece of paper, bring that to a concert and I'll set it
on FIRE. I ain't no Ronald Reagan of rock babe, album charts are a metaphor for
human isolation, and the break down of interaction. And I say it's time to
ROCK. Right Mand?
MANDY
Right Jimmy.
JEZZ
That's right, because I say it is, because sweet heart...
MANDY
I left the stove on.
JEZZ
..oh man, I am Love Fist, the biggest band in the world.
AMY
Yeah, but you and Dick, and Percy, and Willie, you're all Love Fist, the four
Scottish horsemen of the apocalypse, Fist Till Morning, Take it on the Chin,
Zink Deficiency, Four Boys Against Your Face, great tracks, what memories, and
here you say you dedicate the album to the children of the night, who are they?
JEZZ
No, no, no, no sweet heart man, babe, let's get one thing straight, here,
hello, *taps mic* are we recording here, this is for the record right, testing,
testing, testing, now listen. Love-Fist-Is-Jezz-Torrent, I sing the songs sweet
heart, it's my face on the merchandise, you see us in concert see four men,
rockin' and dancin' with tears in their eyes. you will see, I am Love Fist, he
who pays the piper, plays the tune.
AMY
Oooohhhh, I didn't know you had a piper in the band.
JEZZ
Love, I was talking metaphorically, I'm a poyet, condensed meaning,
enlightenment, we're a family living in death valley, but I walk alone, I am on
a spiritual journey, and if Percy or Dick, or anybody stands in my way, the
contract says I'll walk, I've been dragged back, and held down, and embarrassed
by those guys, but you know, its part of being in a band man, like wearing
make-up.
AMY
Yeah, but wasn't Percy voted guitarist of the year by Kerrap Rock Monthly?
JEZZ
Look, I love the whole bit with the fuzzy guitar bit, but he's over rated love,
right, without the Torrents of Abuse, Love Fist would be over, and the new
contract reflects that, as an artist it's really important that I make a lot of
money right Mand. You need to keep you and your fringe and your diamonds and
that, eh?
MANDY
yeah, rock on, keith, roger, what a trip.
JEZZ
Ah, shut up ya silly tart.
AMY
Uh, let's take a caller. Hello, oh, ooh, wuh.. you're on the line with Love
Fist. Hi.
WAYNE
Yo, this is Wayne man, hoh, Hey guys, I'm on the phone with love fist, Hey
what's up Jezz, I'm a huge fan, I go to all of your concerts, I get crazy, I
wear my Love Fist t-shirt everyday, even when I'm with my old lady, hey I heard
there's subliminal messages in your video, is that true?
JEZZ
Listen, seriously, the big hair, the limousines, the girls, the partying, the
clubs, the hotel suites, another TV smashed into a thousand pieces right? After
my unfortunate incident in Cleveland, I told the press, I don't like Mondays.
This livens up the day, if you're asking me if we was using backmasking, the
music is reversible, but time is not, do you want me to say, Congratulations
you have just discovered the secret message, dreams are made to be broken, like
so many broken dreams, I want to pick up the pieces together, god.. I am so
creative, love, oh wow, I think I've just wrote a song. Maybe I'll write a song
about you. Eh. But anyway, like I say, that stuff it doesnae matter, not for
me, I'm a spiritual person on a journey, right? And nothing will stand in my
way, you know.
AMY
Boy, do I. On the track Satan's Pillows, you sang about how a broken heart
can...
JEZZ
Bout how a broken heart can't ever be mended, just broken again, I know, really
powerful stuff, emotional, I think that song says everything that needs to be
said about love man, when you belong to the night, its best to take advantage
of it, and what takes you up, will take you down man, if everyone remembered
that, the world would be ok, thanks love, you are a real smart cookie.
AMY
Thanks Jezz, now, do you think it's important that, well, I mean, you're a
great looking guy, even though your girlfriend is a CHEAP TRAMP, but do you
think that it's important that rock and roll bands look good? Or is it about
the music?
JEZZ
Like I said, I'm a creature with two faces babe, you know, an angel and a
devil. And that means it's really important to look good, music cannot stand on
its own, you need to look good singin' it. I'm tired of people saying all we
care about is partying, and that we cannae play, if we couldnae play, then
people wouldnae come to our concerts, we're not going away, and if we do it
wont be on purpose.
MANDY
Where are we dear creek
JEZZ
We're on the radio love, stop dagging me down, I told ya, if you ride a
whirlwind, don't be surprised when the dawn breaks, anyway, where were we?
AMY
AAAAAHHHH, she's really getting on my nerves, w..why are you waving your hands
at me, oh, I'm supposed to go to commercial, I'll be right back!
,--------, ,----------------, ,--------,
| [020200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Farewell Ranch |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [020200] |
'--------' '----------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Howdy! Welcome to Farewell Ranch. They say the golden years are the best years
of your life, but for many seniors they just stink up the house and make the
grandkids feel uncomfortable with unwanted affection. Now, your old people can
be earning you money and enjoying their final years at Farewell Ranch it's a
working farm, cattle ranch and crematiorium where the cowboys are all over 75.
They'll enjoy rodeos, working in the fields and tending all the final resting
places of their new friends on Sunshine Hill. Farewell Ranch works your loved
ones from sun up to sun down. And when your loved one passes away we'll send
you a presentation package, VHS with the spurs and boots they were wearing as
they went onto a better world. Our residents sure love it here right Norm?
NORM
Is this WW2?
SPEAKER
Farewell Ranch. The only way to ride into the sunset.
,--------, ,--------------, ,--------,
| [020300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Giggle Cream |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [020300] |
'--------' '--------------' '--------'
BACKING
Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I
love.
MAN
Stop my morning, you make my night
WOMAN
And Giggle Cream with everything, you make life bright
MAN
Getting fat and laughing, laughing and getting fat
WOMAN
With giggle cream, get the feeling, and what's more fun than that?
BACKING
Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I
love.
MAN
Giggle cream! It makes desert funny!
,--------, ,-------------------, ,--------,
| [020400] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Complete the Look |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [020400] |
'--------' '-------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Asian pyjamas, chinese bandana. Something missing?
BACKING
Complete the look!
SPEAKER
With a throwing star, kendo sticks, or nun-chucks. At Vice City's onestop shop
for the silent fashion assassin.
BACKING
Wow, you look like a psycho!
SPEAKER
Complete the look.
,--------, ,------------------------------, ,--------,
| [020500] |~-~-~-~-~-| Jezz Torrent - Pools of Pain |~-~-~-~-~-~| [020500] |
'--------' '------------------------------' '--------'
AMY
Hi, I'm Amy, and you're on K-Chat. Jezz you were telling me about the music.
JEZZ
Aye, yeah. You know, we wear these costumes to appeal to the working man,
because after you spend a day working in a steel mill, you want to wear tight
leathes clothes and play air guitar. That's what we're about, the recent album
was a musical trip through hell, and I think it shows.
AMY
Oh Yeah, it does.
JEZZ
I mean, I saw Satan, he didn't like what he saw in me, he saw darkness, but
also a gentle side. Ask Mand, I can find treasure in the dark. And it's that
erm... its that err.... err.. what's the word? Erm...
AMY
Thing?
JEZZ
Yeah, that's the thing that typifies me as an artist, heart and soul, head and
trousers, everything, that's what you get at one of my shows, Jezz Torrent and
Love Fist will really show you, you know, we take the soul into darkness, bring
your lighters, you know, I invented that, I've about had it with wankers
ripping off my vibe, I wore women's clothing first, why? because it tells you
about light and darkness, like the moon, but seriously love, you've got great
eyes, really.
AMY
Oh, heh, thanks Jezz, I've always thought that your music really lets people
see into your soul.
JEZZ
Right into great big pools of pain like me, Dangerous Bastard, you see babe,
I've had my heart broken and I am still a man, I'm working on a song right now
called fallen stars on shattered dreams in the rain, it's about being able to
communicate through music rather than words, its set in a wind tunnel, that's
why there's a huge snake painted on my jacket, the snake symbolises kind of
a... subconscious power force, because, life is pain babe, and without music
I'd be lost. This new album is our most mature work yet. I am brilliant on it,
because I sing from the heart.
AMY
About... Heart break?
JEZZ
Babe, babe, babe, don't go there please, do your show a favour, take it easy,
my people spoke to your people about this, and seriously, I appreciate the
offer, and look, I would shag you, but you have to understand, its too soon.
AMY
Because Sharry left you, right?
JEZZ
Babe, babe, my people spoke about this to your people. I said do not mention
Sharry, it's like sticking needles in my soul, voodoo, who are you? Are you my
personal devil, that you could do this to me the pain is too much, I have hair
on my face to hide my soul, Sharry had to go, because she wanted to be a
marine. We couldn't be together, seriously, don't go there.
AMY
Ah, uhuhuhuh, uh, this is so sad *sniff* do you have a tissue out there, oh
Jezz, I'm so sorry.
JEZZ
Seriously love, if you listen to the song dragon eyes, it says everything that
needs to be said about her, you can't help me, it's raw like a chickens head
you know, the pain it grips you, and makes you think about everything. It's the
longest night of all, December of the soul.
AMY
Jezz *sniff* This has been the best *sniff* interview *sniff* of my life,
thanks so much for coming on. For all you love fist fans out there, it's time
for a contest.
JEZZ
That's right, ladies and gents, you're listening to me, Jezz Torrent on K-Chat
being interviewed by, by...
AMY
It's Amy. Oh god, you forgot my name?
JEZZ
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Citizens of Vice City, now you've got the opportunity to
win a part of me, my signature, ink. I only give away parts of myself to people
who have bought all our records. So you've got to answer this: On which album
did Beast Fist appear? Was it a: Dogs on Heat, b: Fat Chicks, All Day All Night
or c: Devil's Own Band.
AMY
For the chance to win tons of Love Fist prizes, just answer the question. All
you need to do is write the answer on a postcard and send it into the station.
Jezz, before you go, will you please play us a song acoustic?
JEZZ
Piss off! Acoustic songs are for sissys! Babe, seriously, do not cramp my
style. Look, I've got to save up the love for the big show. Babe, I love you, I
really do. Friends for life. Dancing in the fire and all that. Always good to
meet a fan. Will you look after Mand for us will ya?
MANDY
Aww, I lost my lighter again.
JEZZ
LOVE FIST!
AMY
That was the dreamy Jezz Torrent of Love Fist who are appearing this week in
Vice City as part of their world tour. Bring your lighters and a spare pair of
panties. I know I will. We'll be right back on K-Chat after these messages,
thanks.
,--------, ,---------------------, ,--------,
| [020600] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| The American Thing! |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [020600] |
'--------' '---------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
What makes a real American? A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone steak? Going
to a baseball game? Shooting a gun? Maybe it's the freedom to go into a poor
country and tell them how to do things! Heh! Those are all great qualities! But
one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose an American car.
When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hard working American's table.
BABY
*Cries*
SPEAKER
There, there! This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you
bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess,
what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened!
Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the next time you buy
a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defence system, make sure you
do the American thing!
,--------, ,--------------, ,--------,
| [020700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Pet Stuffers |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [020700] |
'--------' '--------------' '--------'
OLD MAN
Old Max. We go everywhere together. Right boy?
SPEAKER
At Pet Stuffers, we know there's nothing like the relationship between a man
and his dog. Sometimes you just can't let go.
OLD MAN
Max, you didn't eat your food. That's the second week in a row. Max?
SPEAKER
When the unspeakable happens, just put your four-legged friend in the
fridgerator or freezer, then call Pet Stuffers! We'll be there within a week to
pick him up and in less then a month he'll back as good as new. Through an
Ancient Egyptian miracle process called Taxidermy you and your best friend will
always be together.
OLD MAN
Yeah, that's a good dog.
SPEAKER
Pet Stuffers, when you just can't let go. And coming soon, Grandparents
Forever!
,--------, ,---------------, ,--------,
| [020800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Sissy Spritze |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [020800] |
'--------' '---------------' '--------'
BACKING
Higher!
SPEAKER
The key to feeling great is looking great, and the way to look great is to have
great hair - that's great!
BACKING
Take your hair higher! Take-your-hair to-the-limit!
SPEAKER
Use Sissy Spritze when your clubbing, or sticking your head out of a stretch
limo sunroof, you want to know your hair is performing to the limit.
BACKING
Higher! Gonna get higher than the sky!
SPEAKER
With Sissy Spritze, it's hair for the future, not the past. When you have great
hair, people know you're a winner!
BACKING
Gonna fly on my own hair tonight!
SPEAKER
Sissy Spritze may cause dry mouth, dilated pupils, paranoia, heart palpitations
and nose bleeds, but your hair will be great!
BACKING
Higher!
,--------, ,--------------------, ,--------,
| [020900] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Michelle Carapadis |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [020900] |
'--------' '--------------------' '--------'
AMY
This is K-Chat, welcome back to the show. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen and next up,
we're going to be interviewing someone with a lot to say for herself. A woman
who pretended to be a man and then wrote a book about it. I haven't read it,
but I'm going to pretend I did. She's professer of Anthrosociology and womens
studies at the University of Vice City. And her name is Micheala Crapis.
Crapadis. Micheala. Michelle. Hi, welcome to K-Chat.
MICHELLE
Hello.
AMY
Hi, so Michelle, you're a teacher?
MICHELLE
If you mean professor, yes I have a doctorate, teachers are homely women who
make minimum wage to keep the teenage boys off the streets during the day. I am
very intelligent and I'd rather talk about that. I'm trying to sell my book.
AMY
Ok, now it says here you wanted to be a man so much, you dressed up like one.
MICHELLE
Well that's a load of crap my dear. More misogynistic propaganda I hate men,
can't bear them, I think they're a complete waste of time and space quite
frankly and a disaster for the planet.
AMY
Me too, I just got dumped.
MICHELLE
Oh well it is unfortunate you measure your self-worth in relation to a man my
dear. Look at you. You could be an attractive girl. If you did some physical
labour, cut your hair short, grew out your body hair and wore boots for
example. You mustn't get sucked into their hetro-patriarchy.
AMY
But I like dating, having someone buy you dinner is great.
MICHELLE
Well we'll come back to you and your problems accepting who you really are.
Let's talk about me a bit more.
AMY
Ok, so, tell me about your book. You hate men a lot. And you dressed up like
one, and now you've written a book about it. Right?
MICHELLE
More or less. As I said I'm very intelligent so I don't expect you to
understand, my dear, but I'll try to keep it simple. I've always been
fascinated with the world of men, revolted of course, but fascinated. Now, as
an acemdemic I can get paid to write a book about pretty much anything as long
as I give it a complicated title. Are you with me gorgeous?
AMY
Ooh, I think so.
MICHELLE
Good, then hold my hand, it helps me think.
AMY
No!
MICHELLE
Ok, ok, sorry. Don't be so weird. God, everywhere I go just like the
university, won't let me display my beautiful and sensual woodcuts in the
student comments. It makes me so angry! Where was I?
AMY
You were talking about yourself.
MICHELLE
Oh of course. The ego is a dangerous thing especially in my case, I'm a
Jungian, anyway, so what I did was dress up like a man and enter into the man
world. I can tell you it was more horrifying than I imagined.
AMY
What did you do?
MICHELLE
Well, the first chapter, I was a roofer. These sexists spend all day on a roof
talking about us Amy. I was expected to sit around and talk about what I had
done to women, of course I had to so as not to blow my cover.
AMY
So what's the name of your book?
MICHELLE
Yes, as mentioned hitherto, my book has a very very obtuse title. Being and
Seeing, From Freud to the Building Sites, a Woman's Journey into the Male
Psyche.
AMY
Huh? What?
MICHELLE
I'll admit it's not very catchy. But Academia is not about getting to the
point. It's about exploration.
AMY
Ok, wow, I'm learning a lot today.
MICHELLE
Yeah, so I entered the world of men, in disguise of course, I was dressed like
a man.
AMY
Ok, and you haven't changed back?
MICHELLE
What, what did you say?
AMY
You're still dressed like a man.
MICHELLE
No I'm not, these are my normal clothes. Amy for gods sake, don't fall prey to
the patriarchy's evil fashion schemes!
AMY
Oh, sorry.
MICHELLE
Anyway, I learned a lot when I was a man. Did you know for example that during
my time as a steelworker in Pittsburg, I learned that men sometimes speak
crudely about women when they are out of earshot. I was horrified. Or that men
regard some women, like you Amy, as mere sex toys. Things for their amusement.
Unbelieveable! Or that men actually find sports interesting! It's appalling.
And they run the world my pretty, oh yes, they run the world.
AMY
They do?
MICHELLE
Yeah. Look at Reagan, look at Thatcher, look at Gorbachev, while we stay home
and bake cookies, well screw that sweetheart.
AMY
Yes, I agree.
MICHELLE
Good, don't bake a cookie, smash him in the face with a baking tray instead.
He's a brainless dolt, he's a man. Did you know men enjoy looking at pictures
of naked women? It's called pornography, it's sick and foul. I'm giving a talk
about it this weekend at the women's centre. That's women with a y.
AMY
Hah, I think you spelt it wrong.
MICHELLE
Are you a woman? Three of the five letters that make up your description are M.
A. N. You're too dependant on men amy. That's why I don't call myself a woman
Amy.
AMY
Um, ok.
MICHELLE
I bet this radio station is owned by a man, white male conservatives monopolise
the media selecting right wing blondes to propagate conservatism.
AMY
I don't have blonde hair.
MICHELLE
Not yet Amy, not yet. Did you know men drink beer and smoke cigarettes and wear
hats?
AMY
Uh, umm, yeah.
MICHELLE
Heh well, you must have read my book. I've discovered a lot of things. I was
also a policeman and an untrained brainsurgeon. And they're all the same, all
women haters.
AMY
But just because they like sports and hats, doesn't mean they hate women does
it?
MICHELLE
You self hating fool! Of course it does! The media, meaning you, falsely
portrays feminists as bra burners, out-dated combat boot wearing, bad mothers.
Why don't you take your top off right now Amy huh? Tell them you won't be
censored any more!
AMY
No! I'm getting a little freaked out here, ah buh, hit the, buh
,--------, ,--------------, ,--------,
| [021000] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| The Military |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021000] |
'--------' '--------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Do you en- (interputed) we'll teach you how to make beds, march in squares,
shine shoes, clean bathrooms, kill a man with your bare hands and do it all
with pride. The military teaches you all the skills you'll need later in life.
Call 1-800-BEAHERO. And become a real man today.
,--------, ,------------------, ,--------,
| [021100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Commercial Break |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021100] |
'--------' '------------------' '--------'
AMY
Why are you waving your hands... oh, I'm supposed to hit the other commercial.
,--------, ,----------------------, ,--------,
| [021200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Yuppie and the Alien |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021200] |
'--------' '----------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
This fall, a new hard-hitting police drama is coming to Friday night. He was a
well to do cop, transferred to a troubled precinct, downtown. His new partner
is a space traveller, with a passion for justice. It's Yuppie and the Alien!
CAPTAIN
Look! You may vaporize dissidents in Alpha Centauri, but in this precinct, we
do it by the book!
YUPPIE
I'm so terribly sorry, captain.
GOOGAN
Da, Googan sorry!
SPEAKER
Don't miss this one of a kind police drama. They're fighting crime the hard
way, in designer clothes, with a quarter of a million dollar sports car, and a
UFO.
YUPPIE
Partner, let's go cruise in the car and look moody.
SPEAKER
One tough, downtown precinct, two outsiders, doing things their way, Yuppie and
the Alien, on VBC.
,--------, ,-----------------, ,--------,
| [021300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| BJ's Used Autos |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021300] |
'--------' '-----------------' '--------'
BJ SMITH
Hi, I'm BJ Smith, tight end for the Vice City Mambas and proud proprietor of
BJ's Used Autos. Cars from all over America come to find a new home in Florida,
just like you. I moved here after the draft, football uh not Vietnam, even
though they do have a lot in common, I noticed there was one thing missing from
this great town, a celebrity endorsed used car shop. That's why I founded BJ's
Used Autos. Everyone of these beauties is freshly painted they look brand new.
We have new models coming in every morning, usually around 2 am, we can get you
anything, and if you see a car of your dreams, tell us, we can aquire it for
ya! I've taken the skills I've learned as a pro football player to the used car
business, smash grab and run like hell. BJ's Used Autos, I'm tackling low
prices with hot cars.
,--------, ,------------------------------, ,--------,
| [021400] |~-~-~-~-~-| Michelle Carapadis - Callers |~-~-~-~-~-~| [021400] |
'--------' '------------------------------' '--------'
AMY
If for some reason you'd like to speak to Michelle Crapper, just give her a
call on K-Chat, who's on the line?
CALLER
Michelle, hi! Peace sister. I'm wearing trousers, I haven't shaved or waxed in
nine months. I left my broken hearted husband and baby behind. Now I'm living
in a commune with a series life partners having quite simple amazing
experiences, I got my inspiration from a lecture you gave last year. Thank you
so much. You taught me a lot.
MICHELLE
Yes good sweetheart, but ask yourself, are you doing enough? It sounds to me
like you're living a lie. Your life is still very man centric. You're still
justyfying yourself by the I am Not rather then the I Am principle. I mean
really, you might as well make his bed and clean his litter tray for gods sake.
It's half hearted fools like you that give feminism a bad name.
CALLER
But, I, I even attacked by brother with a bread knife.
MICHELLE
You showpony! Promqueen, cheerleader, skirt wearer. You see Amy, that's the
thing about people, they're so halfhearted. Pick and Mix, not prepared to carry
out their threats. That woman, that lady, as I bet she likes to be known, is
really a self hater, a failure in a man's world. You know, why, I bet she's
never even attacked a man with a vat of boiling oil.
AMY
But she said she tried to kill her brother.
MICHELLE
Don't argue with me! I write books!
AMY
Ok, next caller.
CALLER
Michelle, I'm a huge fan.
MICHELLE
Are you?
CALLER
Yes, you've really changed my life. Before I heard you speak a couple of times,
I was getting into the feminist movement, but in sort of a silly way.
MICHELLE
Really?
CALLER
Yeah, you know, burning my bra, beating up policeman, shooting my dad and
stuff. Just fooling around you know. I really didn't understand the feelings I
was having.
MICHELLE
Ah, I know the wearisome troubles of the halfhearted.
CALLER
And then after listening to you, I realised what a load of crap it was.
MICHELLE
Excuse me.
CALLER
I realised what a load of crap it was. You can't hate men just because they're
different, you can't hate anyone just because they're different. You have to
work with them. Luckily I needed a moronically, pretentious, over educated
hairless old heriden like you to show me how stupid I was being. I mean, we're
all just people, and it's idiots like you who cause the problems in this world
in the name of reclaiming some false ideal. And blabering on and on about
gender politics at rallys just so you can wear leather in public.
MICHELLE
Why you misogynist.
CALLER
No, you're insane. You hate yourself because you're a failure, you're an
appaling academic and about as intellectual as a haemorrhoid, goodbye.
MICHELLE
Well, uh, hum, well it's nice to see my work has stimulated such healthy debate
don't you think?
AMY
Uh, Michelle? She hated you.
MICHELLE
Yeah, nonsense, poor dear was in bits. Not very used to the cut and thrust of
acedemia, I thought she expressed herself poorly and didn't know what she was
saying. Probably burnt her husband's cakes or something. It is important for me
to confront the differences and similarites between myself and other women. I
am smart, strong, I seek liberation. Your society imposes on me.
AMY
God, this is all so confusing. Everything has two meanings.
MICHELLE
Exactly, apart from the word through which has five. You can choose to be a
victim Amy, but after you read my book you'll realise men are irrelevant. Can a
man have a baby? Do I need a man to have a baby? No. We don't need men, we need
more parts of town we can call our own, more parades, more gatherings of
understanding where women can beat each other with pillows and practise judo.
AMY
That doesn't sound like fun at all.
MICHELLE
Oh shutup, I've had enough of you you little tart.
AMY
That makes two of us. Right, listeners don't go away. When you come back we'll
have a new guest and I promise they'll be more interesting then Michelle
Crapartist. Michelle, it's been a pleasure, I'm sure we've all found this very
illuminating. And why our beliefs are right in the first place. We'll be back
right after this.
,--------, ,--------------, ,--------,
| [021500] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Giggle Cream |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021500] |
'--------' '--------------' '--------'
BACKING
Gi-gi gi-gi Giggle Cream! Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa wa-wa That's the sound I
love.
MAN
Love the dairy goodness, propelled with toxic gas.
WOMAN
Make detol real low, suck it have a blast.
MAN
You can buy it anywhere, grocery store or shop.
WOMAN
Make sure that you're in a chair 'cos your heads gonna block. Oh no!
BACKING
Gi-gi gi-gi Giggle Cream! Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa wa-wa That's the sound I
love.
MAN
Giggle cream! It makes desert funny!
,--------, ,----------, ,--------,
| [021600] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Exploder |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021600] |
'--------' '----------' '--------'
SPEAKER
He was a man of peace, living on a quiet farm in North Dakota. 'Till one day
all hell broke loose!
SOLDIER
Tim we need you!
TIM
I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing! I wanna raise a family!
SOLDIER
That's just it Tim! They've got your family!
TIM
Noo!
SPEAKER
Jack Howitzer is Tim in Exploder! From the heart of America to the jungles of
Cambodia, follow one man's quest for peace.
TIM
Ho Chi Vet is that you!
HO CHI
Tim I know you come! Just like old days we kill everybody!
SOLDIER
Tim they've got your wife!
TIM
But I'm not married!
SOLDIER
You are now, to America!
SPEAKER
He went in to save his country, but found his family and lost a friend.
TIM
Ho Chi!
HO CHI
Tim don't leave me! You taught me baseball Tim and how to laugh!
TIM
Noo! He would have been a fine American. I'll cry when I'm done killing!
SPEAKER
Get yourself a body bag, strap yourself in, start making friends the American
way! Exploder: Evacuator Part 2! Rated PG, may include patriotic garbage.
,--------, ,--------, ,--------,
| [021700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Mr Zoo |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [021700] |
'--------' '--------' '--------'
AMY
So, hello everyone and welcome back to K-Chat. Vice City's main place for
things. I mean well, it's a place in Vice City where things go on like
interviews or things or other things like that. But at the moment it's
interviews! And I'm Amy Sheckenhausen, the best interviewer in Vice City and
exclusive to K-Chat. Remember you only hear Amy on K-Chat. Our next guest is a
man on a mission. And that's why he's got such a silly name. His mission is
simple, zoos. His name is Mr Zoo.
MR ZOO
G'day Aim.
AMY
Hi Mr Zoo.
MR ZOO
Hi, the name's Pat, Pat Flanerdy. But I love zoos, I really do. That's why they
also call me Mr Zoo.
AMY
OK, and which do you prefer?
MR ZOO
Ah what darlin?
AMY
Which name, Mr Zoo, or Pat Flingerthingy?
MR ZOO
Ah, I don't mind babe. Whatever you fancy. Fine by me as long as we talk about
animals. I don't give a damn what you call me. As long as it ain't Sheila or
something.
AMY
Ha, ha ha, you're silly Mr Zoo. Why would I call you Sheila?
MR ZOO
I don't know love you tell me.
AMY
Ok, um, this is getting confusing. It says here your name is Mr Zoo, and now
your saying your name is Pat Flanagum, and now you're saying it's Shelia?
MR ZOO
Uh, doll, the name ain't Sheila, that's a Sheila's name. It's an Australian
joke.
AMY
Okay, oh right. I don't speak Australian, do I?
MR ZOO
I guess not sweetheart.
AMY
Ok, well, moving on. You're Mr Zoo?
MR ZOO
That I am
AMY
Cool! And I hear you've made quite a name for yourself, why's that?
MR ZOO
Because I love animals Aim, animals. And publicity and stuff, and I love
animals I love 'em.
AMY
Me too!
MR ZOO
That's the thing babe. We all love animals but we don't know too much about
them, that's what I'm here to tell to you about, that and myself of course.
AMY
Of course so, right, what about animals?
MR ZOO
Well its interesting right, but not a lot of folks realise that we're 90% the
same as a fly or a cockroach or a pigeon that's the new science out there
called Genestics, I think, which is going to be real popular real soon. But
what it tells us is all animals are pretty much the same, from a genetical
level.
AMY
Oh cool!
MR ZOO
Damn right it's cool babe! You know what that means don't ya?
AMY
No I haven't got a clue!
MR ZOO
It means we've all got to start caring for one another like family.
AMY
OK! So let me get this straight, like my brother is a cockroach, and my dad is
a pigeon and my mom is a fly. Is that right?
MR ZOO
Well sort of genesticallistically speaking but your bang on love. And you know
what that also means?
AMY
Uh, no.
MR ZOO
That you could legally speaking marry any animal you wanted and have kids
unless you're married already babe, you ain't married are ya?
AMY
No, I just split up from my boyfriend he didn't like me being on the radio.
Whatever. Said I sounded stupid.
MR ZOO
Well that's my point love, I mean, imagine if you'd been out dating a wolf or a
cute little deer he'd protect you and stuff, urinate to keep out intruders but
he wouldn't mind you being on the radio, wouldn't mind a bit.
AMY
Why not?
MR ZOO
Wolves and deer's have no concept of jealousy of someone else's success. That's
the Genestistic variation between homoerectus and spider monkeys. Jealousy and
fur and stuff.
AMY
Oh.
MR ZOO
Oh indeed sweet thighs, oh indeed. Would you like Mr Zoo to tell you something
else?
AMY
Yeah.
MR ZOO
Everything you learned in school was a lie babe, a lie! Take porology for
instance. You were told sharks were dangerous right?
AMY
Yes.
MR ZOO
Cobblers babe. They're frightened of you. They ain't gonna hurt you! Have you
ever tried cuddling a shark, getting down and dirty with one, relaxing it a
little?
AMY
No.
MR ZOO
Well I have, and I'll tell ya its very rewarding Aim babe. Very rewarding
indeed.
AMY
Really?
MR ZOO
Yeah, absobloodylootly love! Once you've calmed it down with a little rubbin
it's like a swimin puppy, real affectionate and stuff.
AMY
OK, I'll try that!
MR ZOO
You should love, you really should. Let me tell you something else.
AMY
Go on, go on.
MR ZOO
Well, this is something for the guys out there really. You know with a girl
like, you ain't got a clue, I mean a female human, when she's on heat right and
ready to mate, looks identical to a female human when she ain't on heat. And
would throw a drink over your face if you grab her behind and start trying
anything intimate. You can't tell the difference. I know that only too well.
But take a Fawker monkey from the jungles of the Philippines, when she's on
heat, her behind sticks up and glows bright red and she makes a sound a bit
like this (Mr Zoo makes a crazy screaming monkey mating call) and any fool or
dingbat can tell she's ripe and ready for action, certainly clears up any
confusion.
AMY
Yeah I guess it does.
MR ZOO
Or a female Black Widow spider, now, they eat their mates after the deed, as
they say, is done.
AMY
Uegh!
MR ZOO
Yeah, I know! That certainly puts things into perspective doesn't it?
AMY
I've never done that.
MR ZOO
No, but you can now because you're the same! Well more or less the same. I mean
that's the funny thing about my work, about Genestetics.
AMY
Oh God! The world is so complicated.
MR ZOO
There are also lots of tiny differences between animals, you know what a
species is don't ya Aim?
AMY
Yes.
MR ZOO
It's an animal, which has other animals, which are quite a bit like it. A dog
is a species but a cat isn't because there's lots of cats. However, I've
discovered out there in the wilds loads of new species that regular science
practiceborror repressed blokes in laboratories has't even known about.
AMY
Really?
MR ZOO
Really I have. There's a hornypat bear named after me, Pat right? Exactly the
same as a regular bear only it's got a big horny growth hidden right down its
groin area. You gotta reach in and have a fiddle about and then you find it.
Completely different it is. I was amazed when I found it.
AMY
I can imagine. I was amazed when I left the hairdressers.
MR ZOO
No wonder darlin. Or the Double Gutted Pat Tree monkey, exactly like a normal
tree monkey, only it's called after me and if you have a rummage around inside,
goin in the back door, you discover it's got two digestive tracts, two, amazin!
Really profound it was.
AMY
Ooh. That's gross!
MR ZOO
No Aim, it's the science of Mr Zoo, gettin down and dirty with animals. Because
I love them and I hate lies.
AMY
Okay, it also says here you like zoos.
MR ZOO
It's a love hate thing babe.
AMY
That, that's nice.
MR ZOO
But I'm certainly an expert, I know what I'm doing and I'm not afraid to expose
myself.
AMY
OK, well I'm getting a little confused here why don't we take a break and when
we come back take some phone calls, because all the buttons are really flashing
all of a sudden. You're on K-Chat!
,--------, ,----------, ,--------,
| [021800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Pit Balm |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021800] |
'--------' '----------' '--------'
SPEAKER
The science of evolution has uncovered many of life's mysteries. Like tadpoles
or the pyramids. But the mystery of the armpit remains. What's it for? Why is
it hairy? And why do men have nipples? But one thing is for certain, the armpit
smells bad. Luckily there's Pit Balm. It's like Napalm for your skin or Agent
Orange on your sweat glands. Pit Balm stops unwanted bodily functions in their
tracks. It's as effective as sending GIs into a peasant village. When you're
fighting the war against personal hygiene, bring out the heavy artillery.
,--------, ,---------------------, ,--------,
| [021900] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Just the Five of Us |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021900] |
'--------' '---------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
This Friday night it's the incredible sitcom that has captured America's hearts
and given the whole country a new catchphrase.
JIMMY
But I'm 42!
SPEAKER
Just the Five of Us! After a mix up at the adoption agency the Chesterfields
came home with three zany new houseguests.
DAD
Jimmy, tidy your room and go to bed.
JIMMY
I'm so sick of this! I keep telling you I've got a rare disease! I look 12 but
I'm a 42-year-old investment banker. I wanna go out and get laid.
DAD
Oh yeah and I'm Santa Claus. Now tidy your room.
JIMMY
Asshole!
DAD
Shaun, our posh suburban home must be a welcome change from that alley you were
sleeping in.
SHAUN
I really enjoy living here but there's not enough booze.
SPEAKER
It's the funniest most touching half-hour on television.
DAD
Charlotte, what's that smell?
CHARLOTTE
I set the couch on fire again.
SHAUN
Here I can you help with that. *unzips*
SPEAKER
And this week it's a very special Just the Five of Us where an attractive
blonde lady tries to steal Jimmy away.
JIMMY
Now you're talkin!
SPEAKER
Just the Five of Us, Friday nights on VBS!
,--------, ,-----------------------, ,--------,
| [022000] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Mr Zoo: On the Phones |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022000] |
'--------' '-----------------------' '--------'
AMY
We're on K-Chat, and so are you. If you're listening, I'm here with Australian
animal lover Mr Zoo. If you've got anything to ask him, why don't you just give
us a call right now.
MR ZOO
Yeah, great, give us a call right now and I'll tell you anything you need to
know about animals.
AMY
OK, who's on the line?
CALLER 1
Is that Pat Flanerdy?
MR ZOO
G'day, of course it is.
CALLER 1
And, and you're in Vice City?
MR ZOO
Yeah.
CALLER 1
What are you doing here?
MR ZOO
Promoting animals mate.
CALLER 1
Don't you remember the court case?
MR ZOO
Ah, get lost. Amy, uh, let's have another caller.
AMY
Uh, oh, ok. Whose on line 2? You're through to K-Chat!
CALLER 2
Don't hang up on me Flanerdy you're meant to be in a hospital you sicko.
MR ZOO
Hey, easy there mate. Hospitals are for people who don't feel well. I'm at the
top of my game.
CALLER 2
Are you insane? Don't answer that. I know the answer. You're sick and insane
and you need help.
MR ZOO
I've got a Visa mate, I've got a Visa. You can't touch me, I'm bonafide. I love
animals. Leave me the hell alone or I'll come by your aquarium and feed you to
the bloody sharks you no good by the book paper pushing murderer. Bobo would
have lived if you'd let me in the tank. I could have cheered him up. I could
have done. Now stay away from me y'here? Name all callers k Aim? Phones are so
impersonal not a two way conversation like the radio.
AMY
Okay, um, who was that?
MR ZOO
Wrong number I think.
AMY
No, it wasn't.
MR ZOO
Yeah it was, a bloody wrong number. He wanted a plumber and a Chinese. I was
speaking to him in Australian.
AMY
OK, cool. Uh, what was that about the aquarium?
MR ZOO
Nothing babe, all in the past, long time ago. I was tricked into saying
something I regretted.
AMY
Oh, cool. That happens to me all the time.
MR ZOO
I can see that love. Yeah, big mistake, never trust a judge or a mental health
tribunal, never. Only trust animals.
AMY
Ok, and what did they make you say?
MR ZOO
Nothing babe! Oh, it was a long time ago look. I brought a little surprise for
you. It's a little female plague rat. See how relaxed she is with me? I've got
special powers. She's a lot like a little Joey kangaroo in a lot of ways, you
know what I mean love?
AMY
What did they make you say?
MR ZOO
I've also brought a menacing trouser snake. Would ya like to see it? Look at
this it's a little frog in my pocket. Calm as you like, not even awake. Awh
he's died. Anyway, in this pocket I've got a baby dwarf giraffe I birthed this
morning, see she's still covered in fluid from her mum's womb. Wow, isn't that
fabulous?
AMY
Ooh that's grody. What did they make you say at the mental health judge?
MR ZOO
Nothing babe. Nothing at all. Long time ago, it was a bad period in my life. I
wasn't sleeping, I was heartbroken like a platypus. D'ya know a platypus only
gets a bill after its mate breaks its heart by sleeping with its brother? I
know all about that. I was crying my eyes out for weeks. On all kinds of pills
for my nerves. Couldn't move, couldn't talk. I was cooing like a dove. Please
darling, let's move on. D'ya want me to talk to a parrot?
AMY
Now I'm really curious, what did they make you say?
MR ZOO
Ii love yoou!
AMY
You do? I never knew!
MR ZOO
They made say I love ya!
AMY
Oh, I made my boyfriend say it and he slept with my best friend. I think we're
bonding now.
MR ZOO
Noo. We ain't bonding ya halfwit. We're miles apart. I hate ya! They made me
say I love ya to Bobo.
AMY
Who was Bobo?
MR ZOO
Bobo was the most beautiful creature that was ever on the earth. Ever at all,
really beautiful.
AMY
Who was she?
MR ZOO
He, he, he!
AMY
Okay okay, he.
MR ZOO
He was a dolphin. And I loved him. And I knew him properly. You people could
never understand. It's natural. We were identical. From a genertergorcial
perspective. And Bobo was really unhappy. Putting on a show every day like a
circus animal. They thought they caught me doing something, but they never did,
Aim, they never did. We were only cuddling. How can people take that the wrong
way? Babe, they took me away and they locked me up. Then Bobo died of a broken
heart.
AMY
He did? That's awful. But, eww, oh. Just a second you sick bastard! Security!
MR ZOO
I love ya more then you can imagine!
AMY
Call the police someone, please help me! This guy is molting animals. Ooh, it's
gross!
MR ZOO
Aim, I only wanted to be loved. Properly mind and he's gone.
DOC
Pat, it's Doctor Phillips.
MR ZOO
Get lost doc. I got out I'm fine. Me and me friends are travelling around in a
black van and solving crimes and running from the Colonel.
DOC
Pat, I'm coming in.
MR ZOO
Stay away from me!
DOC
Pat, you've been a very bad boy, come on we're going home now Pat.
MR ZOO
Stay away from me, I've got a poisonous lizard in my boot he'll kill ya in two
seconds.
OTHER
Pat, please, we've been through this, you're not well. Bobo is dead. It's time
to get back on the medication and start piecing your life back together. While
locked up in a padded cell for a very long time, or until you die.
MR ZOO
Is it that time again Doc?
DOC
Yes Pat, it is. C'mon. Put on the straight jacket. Look, it's even got your
initials on it. And swallow this.
MR ZOO
Oh thanks Doc. Did I tell ya I love animals and they love me? I got a message.
Look for a wall at the china hand...
OTHER
I'm really sorry about that. Pat is a very, very sick man. We rarely let the
dangerously ill out into society. And when we do, it's not always fatal.
AMY
Okay, great.
DOC
Get this crack head out of here. Sorry to be a bother.
AMY
Oh, ah, um no bother.
DOC
C'mon, don't bang his head. Those bruises show!
AMY
I never knew animals were so interesting. We'll be back after this. You're on
K-Chat. Don't go away.
,--------, ,------------------------, ,--------,
| [022100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Pastor Richards Statue |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022100] |
'--------' '------------------------' '--------'
PASTOR RICHARDS
Do yourself a favour, pick up your telephone, call now. 1-866-9SAVEME. What
better place to witness 40,000 years of nuclear winter, then from the comfort
of your very own space ready nuclear bunker? When we raise 25 million we will
build a 50 storey tall likeness of me. If we raise 300 million the statue will
rotate so I can look over this great city and cast an evil eye on degenerates.
And when the eminent nuclear strike occurs, those who put faith into action
with sufficiently generous contributions will join me inside the Pastor
Richards salvation statue as we blast into space! Contribute to the Pastor
Richards Salvation Statue Fund. Pick up your telephone. Call now, 1-866-
9SAVEME.
,--------, ,------------------, ,--------,
| [022200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Maibatsu Thunder |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [022200] |
'--------' '------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom.
BACKING
Freedom!
SPEAKER
The car for hot excitement.
BACKING
Excitement!
SPEAKER
The car for a man who is alone against the elements.
BACKING
The Maibatsu Thunder
SPEAKER
The pride is back. It's the power of a compact.
BACKING
Looks small but it's so big.
SPEAKER
Fuel injected.
BACKING
Inject me!
SPEAKER
Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove you can.
Live the emotion of an individual.
BACKING
Thunder!
SPEAKER
The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle.
BACKING
Wow!
SPEAKER
Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder!
BACKING
The Maibatsu Thunder!
,--------, ,-------------, ,--------,
| [022300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Gethsemanee |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [022300] |
'--------' '-------------' '--------'
AMY
Hello, welcome back to K-Chat! I'm a woman so I know it's important to discuss
feelings. That's why we don't have any male hosts on this station. People open
up more to women. I was telling my girlfriend yesterday if a woman were
president we'd nuke a country every 28 days, ahah! In these times of trouble.
Of international scary things that cause anxiety, people seek sole ice. Or is
that solace? Oh my god. Some visit lady friends, others go to a bar. and a
strange few talk to rocks. My next guest is the author of this book 'I'm
Lovin' the Coven'. She sits on the board of the Vice City resna, renaissance
committee. Get seminee?
GETHSEMANEE
Gethsemanee
AMY
Ah Gethsemanee Welcome to the show.
GETHSEMANEE
Hello Amy! I brought you a crystal. Isn't it gorgeous?
AMY
I guess so. If you're into shiny glass. I prefer lacy gloves.
GETHSEMANEE
Amy, for many thousands of years, my people have been using crystals and
gemstones to heal the sick. Take the crystal and then when the night is
enchanted and the candles have been blown out. And the wind sings through the
branches of the eucalyptus. Hold up your arms and sing: All dwee my sky sailing
pregnant moon the goddess.
AMY
Pregnant moon? What are you talking about? Gesemanee?
GETHSEMANEE
Gethsemanee.
AMY
Sorry, whatever, do you even have a last name?
GETHSEMANEE
My compost coven named me Gethsemanee Starhawk Moonmaker. Trust me Amy. I'm
quite accustomed to people persecuting us. It's been going on for thousands of
years. Native Americans, they studied crystals, the ancient Chinese, Belgians,
Superman! They all studied crystals. So why do you view it as so weird. Grab
your crystal, hold it tight and close your eyes. You will be transported back
35 thousand years when the temperature of the earth began to drop. The tundra
was teeming with animal life and small groups of hunters followed the free
running reindeer and there, under the magnolia tree a woman breast-feeding a
baby elk. Do you see it? It's nature.
AMY
Ewh gross. You're one of those filthy hippies that thinks breast-feeding in
public is ok. Well, uh, it's not. There are bottles of milk at the store, don't
act like a cow. Huh! You really remind me of someone by the way.
GETHSEMANEE
See Amy, you're putting the blinders of society on. We're all the same, I
remind you of yourself of every man and woman.
AMY
Um, uhuh. No none of them.
GETHSEMANEE
There're trying to outlaw nature. If I'm in the park and a nice gentleman comes
along, I should be able to breast-feed him. Pretty soon everything natural will
become illegal. It's really depressing. If I died right now would I get buried
by a female priestess in a cave surrounded by my favourite tools and ornaments?
No. There was a time when children were taught about their bodies about the
goddess lady of the mammoths about the importance of the spiral dance clutching
a bison horn under the crescent moon. At the bead and rock shop where I work,
we have classes that teach the importance of feeding wild plants, shellfish and
understanding ancient crop circles.
AMY
Oh I love lobster.
GETHSEMANEE
Have you ever tried talking to one? Energy flows from everything, even a
tractor. My mother, the Moon, taught me how to trace ley lines with your bare
feet in the dirt.
AMY
Listen you're very weird. And you smell like petulia in compost and I think you
might have a shot at a boyfriend if you shaved and got some gel in your hair
and put some clothes that fit or something. I mean, please.
GETHSEMANEE
Did Joan of Arc shave? I was given this fascinating pamphlet called Caucasian
female body hair in American culture. Amy, I love you like my sister but honey,
you've fallen prey to a sustained marketing assault that began in 1502 to
convince women that underarm and leg hair was wrong. There's nothing more
natural then this enormous bush I've got growing under each arm. Having hair is
natural. What's the deal with Anglo Saxons? I mean go to England. The women
there don't shave their underarms, it's really quite attractive. You just need
to focus your eyes to look for healthy signs and not the signs of socialised
barbarism. Like shaving or wearing deodorant or birthing in a hospital rather
then the open air like a wolf cub. Remember brother Romulus and noble Remus?
Wolf raised.
AMY
I find this really interesting, not really but I say it is because I'm told
to. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our sponsors.
,--------, ,----------------, ,--------,
| [022400] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Farewell Ranch |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022400] |
'--------' '----------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Howdy partners! It's 4:30 in the morning here at Farewell Ranch. And it's time
to get up and work the old cow. Get up ya oaf! At Farewell Ranch, old people
don't sit around stagnating watching game shows talking about the good old
days. Sinking into the grave in a urine soaked mess. At Farewell Ranch they
sweat and toil until the breaking point. Keep that miserable contemplation of
mortality at bay. Hell at steering time, we'll work grandpa so hard he'll wish
he was dead. At the end of the day he'll sit down in the blue grass eat a bowl
of commemorative beans and enjoy a sing along at one of our nightly funerals.
It's the cowboy's code. Work hard, don't shower and die in your boots. Right
Norm?
NORM
Ahh, my prostate!
SPEAKER
Farewell Ranch, the only way to ride into the sunset.
,--------, ,-------------------------, ,--------,
| [022500] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Exploder Survival Knife |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [022500] |
'--------' '-------------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
It's the knife that saved America. If you liked the film Exploder, you'll love
this enormous commemorative survival knife. In the handle you'll find all of
the things you'll need in any wilderness, disaster situation or the jungle of
your backyard. It comes complete with fishing line, needle and thread for
sewing gashes back together. And an incredibly useful endurable toothpick.
HO CHI
Tim, go on without me. I've got toffee stuck in tooth.
TIM
It's okay Ho Chi, try this!
SPEAKER
For those unplanned extended stays in the jungle, there's a saw for building
your own hut, toilet paper and a fold out woman for company. As well as a
serrated blade that can kill a man before he can scream.
TIM
That'll shut you up!
SPEAKER
The Exploder survival knife. It's the knife that saved America. Now it can save
you.
TIM
This knife killed 25,000 people in Cambodia. Now, you can too.
,--------, ,---------------------------------, ,--------,
| [022600] |~-~-~-~-~| Gethsemanee - Coven Leader Phil |~-~-~-~-~| [022600] |
'--------' '---------------------------------' '--------'
AMY
Whatever, I'd die if I didn't have Sissy Spritzs and Blocks. Germs are like so
gross. Oh, hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-Chat! Gethsemanee, I can't get over how
familiar you are.
GETHSEMANEE
Oh right Amy, I real hope you read my book. The mysteries of the absolute can
never be explained. Mother Nature knows more then all of us. That's what keeps
people coming back for more. People are turning into zombies. A roof separates
you from the sunshine in the morning, a bed separates you from the loving earth
at night. That's what's so great about learning these things. When you're no
longer opressed by the cultural issues of making money, showering, or wiping
yourself after using the toilet. You can focus on the important things, do you
travel Amy?
AMY
Well, I've been up north to the theme park and last week I went to the beach.
GETHSEMANEE
No. Really travelled. My coven has been meeting every Thursday, Saturday to
prepare for a grand coracle journey. Along the same route we took when our
people came from Russia and Alaska, along the Bering Strait.
AMY
What's a Coracle? Oh is that like a Maibatsu? Uhuh, I prefer American cars.
GETHSEMANEE
No, Coracle. Cora, means Arabian gazelle, which we all know was the daughter of
Zeus. And cle means gather grass and sew it together. A Coracle is a single
person rowing boat made from lots of twigs from Ancient Britain. There are so
many wonderful things you can learn from the Ancient Britons Amy. Like
metallurgy and how to cauterise the wound when a bear has eaten your arm.
Everyone used to have a coracle Amy, even people who were scared of water.
We're all about working to preserve the diversity of natural life. Reuse
everything.
AMY
Question. Who's this 'we'?
GETHSEMANEE
My coven.
AMY
Like witches?
GETHSEMANEE
Nuh, oh, uh, yes. But not witches like you think. We're just a group of people
who believe in communal sharing and chanting a lot. And can't find husbands.
Reading magazines, cloaks, wands, horned gods. Rubbing your skin raw with
rocks. Dying of old age at 27. Crying in terror when it starts to thunder. And
these are all the things our ancestors did. Since I found my new mind and body,
things have really changed for me. Our modern society only celebrates a select
few. Every woman and every man is a star in the sky Amy. Not just the ones who
sing on TV or those people in the movies. I think I know what you need to
separate your reflection from your true self. A Zen garden.
AMY
Oh, my brother had one of those. And the federalies came.
GETHSEMANEE
Oh, no, no, no. Zen silly girl. It's a little sand box you draw pictures in. It
teaches you things like that death isn't an end it's just a stage and also a
beginning of a new journey.
AMY
Do you have a leader in this weirdo cult of yours?
GETHSEMANEE
Not a cult, a coven. There's a big difference. Yes our leader's name is Phil.
AMY
That's a weird name for a leader of a group of witches. Oh hi Phil. What hairy
legs you've got what with being a man who's a witch and everything. Hah, hah,
hah, hah, har!
GETHSEMANEE
Do not disrespect Phil. He teaches us the wheel of the year Amy. It's full of
solar holidays and goes round and round and round. You can learn a lot from the
sun and the moon. If you look at the sun for too long you can go blind. Meaning
it is something to be respected. And the moon has a dark side, just like we do.
And some people have craters and only a sixth of gravity. The ancient Britons
knew the moon could breathe. We can change the world, rearrange the world. It's
dying though Amy! And it needs some Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Like a swan
or a fish on a hook. If you take your nervous system seriously, if you take
your organs seriously and explore them some really neat things can happen. Phil
taught us that. he's been to Mali to meet with the village elders. That's why
there's the ceremony of the knife.
AMY
Oh great. Why does everyone have to be packing sharp things?
GETHSEMANEE
The knife ceremony is very important and spiritual. It's an ancient one-person
personal crisis. You say to yourself, I'm going to have a spiritual experience,
or thrust this thing into my head. Life actors never rehearse and need no
script Amy that was said by somebody really spaced out and I'm going to say it
again. Like the wind which keeps blowing or sun which shines with life.
AMY
Will you please leave you smell and you talk really weird and you're just
really gross.
GETHSEMANEE
Not until I tell people out there become an internationalist learn oral
traditions, learn to respect life. Make war on machines, marry your mother.
Technology will enslave us. Buy my book! It's printed on bark!
AMY
Ok, ok! Let's take a quick call. Hello, you're on K-Chat, what's your name?
EMANUEL
Hey, it's Emanuel from Prawn Island. I love the show. Yeah, I want to talk
about technology enslaving us. You know that play 'In the Future there will be
Robots'? Well that's a true story, in the future there will be robots. And I'm
going to hack 'em all. I'll make them say funny things. You know I can move
satellites around with my computer.
GETHSEMANEE
Computers are evil. The Luddites of ancient Briton know this. That's why they
destroyed the computers that created things faster and more efficient and took
their jobs.
EMANUEL
Oh shut up! Computers aren't evil. It's the people that programmed the
computers that are evil. That's a pretty big difference. I'm talking to you
through a computer right now. In fact, I am a computer.
GETHSEMANEE
Well anything that can think faster then me is evil. Anything which doesn't
dance or sing or cry or wear a smock. You create your own reality. We're like
the dust in the wind. We are golden. We've got to get ourselves back to the
garden.
AMY
Okay, okay, huh! I know who you remind me of! My aunt Susan! Oh, she was single
too.
GETHSEMANEE
I'm not single Amy. I share my life with a number of valuable partners, and we
commune with each other in a non-judgemental expressive way.
AMY
Old Maid, my mom calls her. Anyway, let's go to the phones. You're on K-Chat.
FREDDY
Uh, yes, thank you, thank you. That was great really interesting. I'm, I'm, I'm
British you see.
GETHSEMANEE
Like our ancient wood wearing queen. Medusa, meh meh medusa, uh uh uh.
FREDDY
Um, no, I think actually it was Bodicea, but, but no, no, not, not really. I'm
from Hampshire you see I'm I'm here on business.
GETHSEMANEE
A wanderer!
FREDDY
Yes, I, I was wondering, you're you're a good witch correct?
GETHSEMANEE
Yes, a white witch.
FREDDY
But you have a broom.
GETHSEMANEE
Yes, it's ceremonial.
FREDDY
Supposing I'd been a bad boy. Like if I hadn't learnt my spells or something.
Would I, would I get smacked with it?
GETHSEMANEE
Violence is wrong.
FREDDY
But you must hit Freddy with your broom. Freddy has been very naughty and not
learnt his spells. Hit me hairy legs hit me! I deserve it!
AMY
Prank caller! Prank caller! Sorry listeners. Somebody call the IRS. Who let
that guy in the country?
GETHSEMANEE
Yes, poor man, so lost and ill at ease. With his father son and mother nature.
I hope he finds what he needs.
AMY
And I need to take a commercial break. Geth good luck.
GETHSEMANEE
Gethsemanee.
AMY
Yes, I hope you find what you're looking for and I sincerely hope you, whew!,
take a bath. We'll be back after this. You're on K-Chat. Don't go away!
,--------, ,-----------------------, ,--------,
| [022700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| BJ's Fit for Football |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022700] |
'--------' '-----------------------' '--------'
BJ SMITH
Hi, I'm BJ Smith. In my long and illustrious three year career at the top of
pro football. I whooped some serious ass and got paid for it. They didn't call
me death in tight pants for nothing. When you've had such a rewarding career
maiming others as I have, you know how to stay fit. Through running, wrestling,
stuffing 20s down panties of foxy strippers, firearm training, nature pursuit
and beating the hell out of your fellow man. That's what keeps me healthy. And
now, using training methods, I perfected. It's going to work for you with BJ's
Fit for Football. Watch those pounds fall off. I'm down to 300 pounds using
exactly the method I demonstrated on tape. I mean, who are you gonna trust to
get you fit? A man who can rip your arm off and beat you with the wet end, or
some aerobics instructor who wouldn't get drafted by the local hopscotch team?
Hell no. BJ's Fit for Football, out now on Beta and VHS. Remember to win in a
game of football, or life, you have to annihilate everything in your path in a
blind rage.
,--------, ,------------, ,--------,
| [022800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Domestobot |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022800] |
'--------' '------------' '--------'
MAN
Ever since Linda started working, our kids are home alone.
LINDA
We tried hiring a nanny but she wanted health insurance.
MAN
Yeah right, that's when we got Domestobot. He's great with the kids.
DOMESTOBOT
Mrs Laurence, Tommy has some skin magazines under the bed.
LINDA
And he helps us too.
DOMESTOBOT
Would you like your drink freshened?
MAN
He's a great conversation piece at our special parties.
DOMESTOBOT
Please put your car keys in the hat and the fun will begin.
LINDA
It's like having a personalised alarm clock.
DOMESTOBOT
I've brought you a drink.
MAN
Ah, it's eight in the morning!
DOMESTOBOT
I made it a double.
LINDA
Ah Domestobot!
SPEAKER
Domestobot, he's three foot high, he only says ten phrases, he's the friend
you've always dreamed of. Order Domestobot today.
,--------, ,----------, ,--------,
| [022900] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| BJ Smith |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [022900] |
'--------' '----------' '--------'
AMY
So, welcome back, and all that stuff. You're on K-Chat with me, Amy
Sheckenhausen on Vice City's station for the stars, including me. And boys have
I got a treat for you. Next up is a living legend. A man who won the World
Series single-handed. Known to his fans as 'Death in Tight Pants' and known to
his enemies as 'Oh my God, I just got flattened by a truck, how is that fair?'
It's sports legend, BJ Smith. So BJ, welcome!
BJ SMITH
Thanks, it's a real pleasure to be here.
AMY
Oh, I know.
BJ SMITH
But one thing sweetheart. I never won the World Series, that's baseball. I play
football.
AMY
Yes, but it's all the same isn't it?
BJ SMITH
Football and baseball aren't the same. In one of them you get bored during a
five-hour game, you touch yourself a lot and start a massive brawl with players
who are degenerates, egomaniacs and criminals. The other's football.
AMY
Yes, but it's all the same.
BJ SMITH
No Amy, it isn't. Anyone can hit a home run. In baseball you stand around a
field dividing your salary by 162. Waiting for some action. Talk to a guy who
just played an hour of football. He's been in the trenches getting Agent Orange
sports drink poured all over his head to keep him from taking an innocent life.
One of them's a game for men, the others a game for pansies who like wearing
button-down shirts. They call baseball a national pastime? If that means making
a million dollars by standing around all day? Count me out. I work for my
money.
AMY
Yeah BJ, just like me I can tell you.
BJ SMITH
Yo baby, it's cool. I just wanted you to know what I did.
AMY
I do. Gees, get over yourself. You must have a testosterone imbalance like all
those jocks who shower with other men. You can't tell me you don't look at
other people's business.
BJ SMITH
Baby, I've played professional sports for fourteen years, including high school
and I'm making a comeback. I'm a very competitive person I grant you, but I
ain't got no testosterone imbalance. With that little moustache you busting out
looks like you shouldn't be talking about some hormone problems girl.
AMY
Excuse me? What did you say?
BJ SMITH
Oh, oh nothing, damn baby, you so ugly you make look blind kids cry.
AMY
BJ you better stop being a bully just cos I'm not into the jock scene. I like
sensitive guys you know like actors or rock stars or that kind of thing. Not
some great big hulking giant that has to tell everyone how important he is.
BJ SMITH
Whoa, I didn't realise we were trying to impress each other here sweet thing. I
was thinking we was here to discuss my new exercise video or talk about my
possible comeback in professional football, not sitting here flirting with each
other. I'm a married man, I'm on my seventh wife.
AMY
So you've got a big family. All those wives, that's fantastic.
BJ SMITH
Not really, you see I really like family, especially some show up you didn't
know existed. I tell you, Father's Day, I'm scared to go to my mailbox. My big
heart has caused me a lot of heartache but when you're in the public eye, you
can't always tell what other people are about. BJ has met some real
manipulative people
AMY
Seven wives, that's fantastic.
BJ SMITH
No, I have one wife, I had six before that.
AMY
So you downsized? Right?
BJ SMITH
Yeah, something like that. If you want to win in life you have to change
players. You can't play on the same team all the time.
AMY
So, oh my god, isn't this getting intimate BJ, I feel like we are really
connecting.
BJ SMITH
I'd like to connect with you. Other men might fumble but I go into the trenches
like a doberman. That's actually part of my video
AMY
What are you talking about?
BJ SMITH
Well, as you know running a ball is like making romance. And one day when I was
going for a touchdown, if you know what I 'm saying, I had a great idea. You
see all these fitness videos on television? It's always that idiot fool in
leotards prancing about giving it the skinny thing. And I say what is this? I
mean what in the world is this? These people ain't fit. They ain't got a clue.
When you're fit you know it. If you come into the locker room you know I is fit
for football. Able to wrestle and pounce and hurt somebody an hour straight.
That's what people needs, if someone comes and jack you ride, are you going to
bust a aerobic move? Hell no, but when you know how to grab another man by the
facemask and twist him around and so you tear his ligaments in his back and
never play again. I mean that's some real useful everyday stuff. And I should
know, I invented it.
AMY
You know, I just don't want to talk about football any more.
BJ SMITH
Well, take dating, or washing the car. What good is a leotard when you washing
the car? Put a man in a helmet and a cup and he can wash a car any day in it.
That's fighting fit for football. It really very simple program, the best way
to get your body fit is to have total disregard for your body. Every now and
then you wake up and come out of concussion saying damn, I look good.
AMY
BJ, you talk funny. We'll be back on K-Chat right after these messages.
,--------, ,-------------, ,--------,
| [023000] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Musty Pines |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023000] |
'--------' '-------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Are you tired of your couches getting ruined?
MAN
Oh grandpa!
GRANDPA
I made tinkles again!
SPEAKER
If you've got old people cluttering up your home. Why not send them to Musty
Pines? We'll help bring back dignity and we promise it will be the best three
months of their lives. They'll enjoy bingo, complaining, mumbling incoherently,
skinny-dipping and organ donation. And once a month it's our famous lucky dip
medication switching night. Musty Pines is located at a luxurious location
overlooking Vice City's state of the art sanitation facilities. You can still
visit your old people, but now you have the comfort of knowing you don't have
to. After they pass on to something better, guaranteed in three months or less,
you can start enjoying their money. Finally, you can have quality family time
again. Musty Pines, now you don't have to say goodbye. Drive thru service also
available.
,--------, ,------------------, ,--------,
| [023100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Knife After Dark |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023100] |
'--------' '------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
He was just the boy next door.
MAN
Hi well hello there Danny, I didn't know it was hockey season.
DANNY
Hey can I borrow a knife?
SPEAKER
A deadly curse, a deranged killer, a small town in tears. Knife after Dark
rated R for retarded.
,--------, ,---------------------, ,--------,
| [023200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| BJ Smith - Comeback |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023200] |
'--------' '---------------------' '--------'
AMY
Eugh, that's gross BJ, stop hitting on me. Hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-Chat. So
what do you need to do for BJ's Fit for Football?
BJ SMITH
Well, Angela, anybody can do it. What you need is a real expensive gym, a team
of trainers, medical practitioners, dieticians a baying crowd and an opponent
who wants you dead, dead in the dirt. I mean a nasty blood sucking leech of a
man who would destroy you if you don't destroy him first. A man you'd like to
set animals on, he's the enemy, and you sit your foxhole until it's time just
right and then you pounce baby, like a kitty Kat on catnip. I'll sack a man,
pile drive him hard, again and again because the idiot comes my way I'll nail
him every time.
AMY
This video sounds like a lot of fun.
BJ SMITH
Fun? Fun? You think it's fun when grown men cry in mortal agony when you're so
scared of what you're going to do to a man you step outside yourself like an
astral projection and the police go Kent state on ya and people cryin and
bleedin and pouncing each other in the face, and that's just in the locker room
before the game. That's your idea of fun?
AMY
Yeah, I, I, I guess.
BJ SMITH
Yeah, mine too, that's why I'm making a comeback. I've been retired two years
and I'll tell ya selling cars or appearing in soft drink commercials is not
fun, compared to having 50,000 low IQ morons in Green Bay, or Tampa or Liberty
City or wherever. Screaming and howling they want you dead just because you're
playing for the Mambas. That's actualising the soap.
AMY
Wow, that sounds interesting. Tell me about it.
BJ SMITH
I'm doing that, I've bin doing, hey, wait a minute. Are you reading a book over
there during this interview?
AMY
No, no, I can hardly read, get on with it.
BJ SMITH
I'm trying to sweets, you best listen. The comeback is a real deal. BJ Smith's
six-year Pro Bowl MVP the man responsible for more broken bones then anyone
since people had legs. I'm a Fiddler Crab you can rip my arms off and I'll just
moult and grow some new ones.
AMY
Where?
BJ SMITH
Right here, right now. Let's get it on!
AMY
Of course. I mean when?
BJ SMITH
Soon baby, real soon. But, and don't call it a comeback, like the songs say
I'll whoop your ass. And this time I'm doing it my way. Ignorant fools they
gave me nothing to work with. The owners I mean.
AMY
What owners are you talking about?
BJ SMITH
The owners of the team. They gave me nothing. They the reason my marriage
failed. I worked my ass off all those years, sweating blood, and and puking my
soul out and they treat me like a tractor. Roll me around treat me no better
then a dog. The guys that got hurt, they never saw a penny out of those
monsters.
AMY
That's just like Jade.
BJ SMITH
Who's Jade? She a fox?
AMY
My friend, she's a Goth. She got sacked for wearing makeup and an 'I hate
Life' t-shirt to work and never saw a penny.
BJ SMITH
She like um, football or something?
AMY
She teaches Kindergarten, professionally.
BJ SMITH
You know, I know a lot of players who need to go back to school after they
finished playing. It's a tough life and you lose something.
AMY
What did you lose?
BJ SMITH
Hope, diction, something, it's brutal out there,
AMY
That's just like Jade. Those kids are evil little brats.
BJ SMITH
Listen, are you going to talk about your freaky friends, who dress like a
funeral? I thought we here to talk about BJ. BJ Smith. And I feel alive! I mean
really alive! Ain't nothing more envigoring then holding a mans head in your
hands and looking him in the eyes and saying I can kill ya in one second old
man. And he says I've got a wife! And you say, give me all the money in your
cash register.
AMY
What are you talking about? Uh! BJ, are those muscles real?
BJ SMITH
That's funny you should ask, because the answer is yes. They ain't implants or
nutin.
AMY
Wow, you're enormous.
BJ SMITH
Nah, there's guys twice my size, but I'm quick, rich and angry, like a
republican.
AMY
So, oh, um, I see. Look, I ain't got anything more to say to you. And I can't
fall in love with another guest, or I'll get sacked. So, let's go to the
phones! Who's on line one?
CALLER
Hey Amy, I'm a first time caller. How you doing? I love your show. Sorta. BJ
man, you're awesome. Here's my question. How'dya play that game against San
Andreas with two broken legs? Ah, I can't believe I'm talking to ya. Wow man, I
don't know what to say. This is the greatest day of my life.
BJ SMITH
Well why the hell are ya calling in? Don't worry. I'm a professional. The
method I used in the game against SA, is actually a part of my exercise video.
When in doubt, go for the groin. I hope that answers your question. That's the
problem with the public, fans. I get it all the time. Know what I'm saying?
AMY
Absolutely. I get that all the time. People say, 'huh, are you that girl off
the television in that show?' and I say, no, I'm the girl from the radio, I
just look like her. Anyway, BJ, that's all we have time for for now.
BJ SMITH
Thanks Amy, and um, look after that moustache.
AMY
Ok. Thank you. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our sponsors.
Don't go away.
,--------, ,------------, ,--------,
| [023300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Degenatron |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [023300] |
'--------' '------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Are ya tired of dad?
BOY
Dad, no-one wants to hear your stupid Vietnam stories.
SPEAKER
Are ya tired of mom?
MOM
Hi angel, do ya want to read a book or go outside?
BOY
Nooo!
BACKING
Degenatron!
SPEAKER
The arcade comes to your living room, only without the creepy guys offering to
show you puppies.
KIDS
Awesome.
SPEAKER
The degenatron, you can play video games just like you are in the Arcade.
KIDS
Excellent!
BACKING
Degenatron!
SPEAKER
The degenatron gaming system plays three exciting games including Defender of
the Faith where you save the green dots with your fantastic flying red square.
KIDS
Cool!
SPEAKER
Monkey's Paradise where you swing from green dot to green dot with your red
square monkey.
KIDS
That's rad!
SPEAKER
And Penatrator where you smash the green dots deep inside the mysterious red
square.
KIDS
Wow!
SPEAKER
The Degenatron brings arcade realism to your living room. It can even take
quarters and a strange sweaty man comes by to empty the machine on Fridays.
BACKING
Degenatron!
SPEAKER
Degenatron, fighting the evil of boredom.
KIDS
I'll never go to school again.
BACKING
Degenatron!
,--------, ,---------, ,--------,
| [023400] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Salivex |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023400] |
'--------' '---------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Do you have dry mouth?
WOMAN
I soor doo.
SPEAKER
It protects your teeth, fights infection and lubricates your food. But what
happens when you run out of saliva?
WOMAN
Help me, I can't talk.
SPEAKER
For personal dryness upstairs, it's Salivex.
WOMAN
Wow, I can spit again!
SPEAKER
Salivex is more then saliva in a can. Salivex improves consumption efficiency
by 50%. No more half way cures like coating your throat with cooking oil to
have that extra piece of cake, or bowl of kitty litter!
WOMAN
After a night out my tongue tasted like carpet, it was embarrassing. Now with
Salivex I can eat a whole box or crackers, or lick my life partners...
CENSOR
Stamp-Collection
WOMAN
..all night!
MAN
It's like having a Salivation Army in my mouth! Now I can suck a...
CENSOR
Lollipop
MAN
..for as long as I want!
SPEAKER
Salivex tastes like your own saliva. That's because at Salivex's state of the
art production facilities, we use salivation philanthropists who make Salivex
all day. Salivex, when it comes to personal dryness upstairs, we're deadly
serious!
,--------, ,----------------, ,--------,
| [023500] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Claude Maginot |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [023500] |
'--------' '----------------' '--------'
AMY
Welcome back to K-Chat, my next guest is the star of the hit show, 'Just the
Five of Us', where he appears as the rich father of a family of misfits. But
more recently he's been working on a controversial theatre piece 'In the Future
there will be Robots'. Claude Maginot. Welcome to the show!
CLAUDE
Thanks Amy, however, you have mispronounced my name. It's Madge, which rhymes
with badge. Uh as in duh and no as in more then you. Maginot. Anyway thank you
for having me on your show. It's always a pleasure to discuss my art.
AMY
Yes, you're so funny! Now Claude, you're an interesting man, if you don't mind
me saying so myself, because on the one hand you're on the funniest show in the
whole wide world, Just the Five of Us, and on the other you do those weird
theatre dance shows which aren't funny.
CLAUDE
Yes, thank you technical school dropout, I'm sure sitting here talking all day
is terribly difficult. Juilliard is not. In the Future There Will be Robots is
not a funny piece. It deals with the most important issues in the world today,
love, pain, suffering, skin tight pants and well stretched groin muscles. But
see music has no name Amy, it's about depth and texture and the sense of
community that emerges from the struggle going on within all of us. Between man
and machine, between the angel and the beast. It's as if Petrushka and Leonard
Bernstein were in a ferocious dance competition with switch blades. That is
passion my dear.
AMY
Um, ok, so it's a bit like Just the Five of Us, what a show! I love Jimmy, he's
so cute, even though he looks so young.
CLAUDE
I'd rather not talk about my complications working with, him. I'm a performer,
I express myself anyway I can. While I'd never attempt to describe Just the
Five of Us as anything other then worshipless pap I need to support my serious
art. It's like stealing a boom box to do live interpretive dance. If I bring
joy to people's hearts doing an interpretation of a tree in a park, who is
harmed? There is a value I derive from art, as a man, as a creator, and that is
this: Never overestimate the dreadfulness of the mass market, the degrading
excess of the culture or the horrors that we all have within it.
AMY
Great, yeah, um, me too. But, as Mr Chesterfield you're so funny! What is it
you say? Not in my house. Hah, ha ha! That gets me every time. Especially after
the drunken tramp you adopted has wet himself. Oh say it for me, please!
CLAUDE
As they say in France, matrise.
AMY
Please!
CLAUDE
Not in my house. Please, I came on your fine show to discuss art not people
that whore themselves out on the alter of commercial success dancing like a
puppet alongside a genetic freak. Although I do that too.
AMY
Ok, moody. So what do you want to talk about?
CLAUDE
Oh, I don't know, my performance at the Hollywood bowl perhaps. there are some
that attend the concert inside. I am the concert outside myself. In the parking
lot where we build bonfires and dance it comes back to the seriousness of my
purpose. At a young age, I held puppet shows on the corner that had people
weeping and lying down in the streets. It's about movement, about encouraging
ordinary working class people that there is something enervating about a modern
dance performance. That seeing In the Future There Will be Robots will change
your life, no matter what your life's like now.
AMY
So, it's kind like getting a new haircut?
CLAUDE
Yes, exactly. No! Nothing like a new haircut you halfwit! This is movement!
Watch my hand, yes movement! There's a manatee on stage see he cannot hear from
the wall of Wagner around him. We have lasers that shoot him down, cut him
free, free his soul from the bondage of the past. And then on stage, we have
snow that falls and represents love in all its forms. The robot makes a snow
angel and we begin to cry. Close curtain.
AMY
Um, ok. Well, I love 'Just the Five of Us'!
CLAUDE
Please, please, please, enough! Five succeeds while Robots starve. Attendance
has been poor. If I were opening this with the orchestra philharmonic de halap
in Mexico, there would be riots in the streets with small children giving me
flowers and weeping. Here in Vice City they wouldn't know art unless it came as
a tube of beef jerkey. They told me, Claude, it can't be done. Vice City is for
sun worshipers and philistines. And I told them no, I told them, if I'm
directing a work of commercial dross down there. I must save my soul with some
serious art. But to be honest Amy, they were right. I feel ahead of my time.
The best artists are ignored. I mean, surely, any right minded person would
rather spend an evening watching me express the meaning of space. As they move
delicately across the stage in the dance of desire and denigration. Than
flopping around in a disco or a nightclub or sucking the electric teat of
television.
AMY
I know I would!
CLAUDE
God! I mean, what is wrong with you people?
AMY
God my hair!
CLAUDE
What?
AMY
My hair, is all wrong, it clashes with my dress.
CLAUDE
Zeus, Cicero, Shakespeare, Floberce, someone please save me from this hell
hole. my dear, you are so ignorant, I'm trying to save you, to save everyone.
You don't see the art around you. Are you in search of Auld Lang Synes, singing
Madame Butterfly on a window sill or relegating yourself to a cricket in
Huckleberry Finn. I'm a movement that conquers love while you complain about
your dress. Know you not how important my mission be?
AMY
Right, cool, okay Mr Chesterfield. I mean, huh, Mr Maginot. You've gotta hang
in there. You're on K-Chat and I'll be right back.
,--------, ,-----------------, ,--------,
| [023600] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| D'Leo and Furax |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023600] |
'--------' '-----------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
At the law firm of D'Leo and Furax we understand that sometimes life throws you
a curveball. We help our blue-chip clients get their lives back, after
circumstances have conspired against them. Just listen:
MAN 1
It was an unfortunate accident what happened to my wife on that precarious
cliff. D'Leo and Furax can't bring my wife back, but they made sure I didn't
end up in the slammer.
MAN 2
I was unfortunate enough to be found with 15 kilos in my spare tyre. I was so
mad at the auto repair shop that sold me that tyre, thanks to D'Leo and Furax
the district attorney saw it that way too.
WOMAN
I, I accidentally torched a Quick'E'Mart when my medication ran out. Hum, hum.
D'Leo and Furax helped me and the community by insuring a healthy settlement
from the Pharmaceutical company.
SPEAKER
At D'Leo and Furax we understand the juditional system and will insure the
truth is heard, no matter how improbable. We're not cheap, but what price can
you put on truth? Call D'Leo and Furax today at 8-669-742333, that's 8-669-
SHADEE. D'Leo and Furax, accidents happen, and we'll prove it!
,--------, ,-------------, ,--------,
| [023700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Ammu-Nation |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023700] |
'--------' '-------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
The store leading the fight against communism is having a blow out sale! Ammu-
Nation has a wide array of peacemakers! Come by Ammu-Nation on Militia Mondays,
exercise your second Amendment right and get 10% off all armor piercing
bullets. We're the only gun store that lets you try it before you buy it! Need
anti-tank missile? We've got'em! Flamethrowers? Oh yeah! No credit? no problem!
No money down, 90 days, same as cash. Shoot now, pay later! You're in the 10
minute waiting period fire off a few rounds at the Ammu-Nation gun range,
featuring faces of famous commie paint coats! Come by Ammu-Nation and register
to win an anti-aircraft gun actually used when we whooped Australia's ass! This
weekend is the Ammu-Nation Film Festival with free screening of the documentary
Red Dawn! Ammu-Nation, protecting your rights!
,--------, ,-------------------------, ,--------,
| [023800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Claude Maginot - Phones |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023800] |
'--------' '-------------------------' '--------'
AMY
You're back on K-Chat with me, Amy, and my special guest. Let's go to the
phones!
BRUCE
Mr Maginot, Bruce from Prawn Island here. Big fan of the show Mr Maginot. Big
fan. Dude, I dunno about this the robot thing it's weird. Quickly, is he really
42? Does he shop in the kids isle does he get on rollercoaster rides I mean,
what's the deal. Does he pay half price at the movies?
CLAUDE
No comment, next caller.
AMY
Oh my god, trauma. I meant that, that's my line. I'm supposed to say... oh god
this guy is such a dick. Urgh, next caller. Oh, who's on the line? I mean,
who's on line 1? Urgh, What number is it? Who's on the line?
MORGAN
Hello Claude, this is Morgan. I'm just vacationing down here having finished my
doctoral thesis into images of young boys in post lapsarian Greece an erotic
understatement in the few and contemporary baroque. Fascinating stuff. Mmmm.
AMY
Do you have a question? I'm confused.
MORGAN
No, woman, I just wanted to tell Claude about my thesis and discuss his bleaker
death in Venice streets period. Of course I have a question you silly girl.
Claude, I saw Robots. Big fan and that's praise indeed coming from me. I
normally hate anything humanity has achieved since 1836, but one thing
fascinated me. Claude, about the show, the pants, they were so tight, so
fitted. How do you get such a marvellous close sequined figure hugging fit and
still. Hmm? Oh, and were the sequins a reference to lasers?
CLAUDE
Yes, yes, my, my, I agree. Thanks for calling. That is an important question.
You see, I'm an important person, and I especially think so. It is really
important for people to see my form move through space in very tight pants. Or
the effect is ruined. Interpretive dance cannot be expressed in baggy clothing.
It's like a violin parade otherwise, why have a love story with a manatee and
the lasers? It's very important.
AMY
You're kind of creepy. You're nothing like you are on the show, you're so funny
there, joking with the family, and putting out the fires started by the
homeless guy, and starting group hugs. But in real life you're just plain
creepy. You won't even tell us how old Jimmy is. All you talk about is Artsy
stuff like that nobody understands because it's complicated, and how tight your
pants are.
CLAUDE
That's not true. I also discussed love and passion and a manatee and the
lasers. You my dear could use all three. You my dear are a philistine. I'm
sorry, but this is one of the most degrading, debasing, horrific, unedifying,
opportunistic things I have ever done in my life since that whole Rake's
Progress lawnmower commercial. I feel dirty, like I've just sat in something.
AMY
You did, our last guest was taken violently ill.
CLAUDE
Yes well, such is the plight of radio. Rather then grumble like Leporello, or a
Taxi driver about my duties cleaning the back seat. I shall bid you adieu.
AMY
Okay, thanks Claude. Next we have a very important guest who doesn't dance like
a weird jerk. We'll be back right after this. You're on K-Chat!
,--------, ,------------------, ,--------,
| [023900] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Maibatsu Thunder |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023900] |
'--------' '------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom.
BACKING
Freedom!
SPEAKER
The car for hot excitement.
BACKING
Excitement!
SPEAKER
The car for a man who is alone against the elements.
BACKING
The Maibatsu Thunder
SPEAKER
The pride is back. It's the power of a compact.
BACKING
Looks small but it's so big.
SPEAKER
Fuel injected.
BACKING
Inject me!
SPEAKER
Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove you can.
Live the emotion of an individual.
BACKING
Thunder!
SPEAKER
The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle.
BACKING
Wow!
SPEAKER
Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder!
BACKING
The Maibatsu Thunder!
,--------, ,-------------------, ,--------,
| [024000] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Advice about Reds |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024000] |
'--------' '-------------------' '--------'
KID
*Laughs like a small baby*
MOM
What's this I found under your bed? The only Engle's you're going to read is
Laura Engle's Wilder.
SPEAKER
If you think your child might be a Red, here are some warning signs. They read
compicated literature and have concern for their fellow man. They even like to
share. Tell your kids, if someone approachs them with pamphlets about
recycling, an invitation to a Labour rally, or showing any doubts about the
fairness of our system. Then they should find a teacher or a policeman
immediately.
,--------, ,-------------------------, ,--------,
| [024100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Pastor Richard's Statue |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [024100] |
'--------' '-------------------------' '--------'
PASTOR RICHARDS
Do yourself a favour, take both hands off the wheel and touch the stereo, do
you feel the power? Ah yes friend, there's a lot of evil in the world, but
there is also light. And I have been sent to shine a light on all degenerates,
philanderderers, Liberals and other evil doers and expose them for what they
really are. Don't waste your money on unnessacery and corrupting material
possesions, give it to me. There's only one thing that will save you. A highly
fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on the planet, me.
Degenerates will ruin this great city. In my wonderful book I tell of the
impending disaster about to befall this planet, nuclear holocaust, plagues of
flying rodents, the seas rising up and turning yellow. It is coming, it is
written by me but you can save yourself. Contribute to the Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue Fund, pick up your telephone, call now, 1-866-9SAVEME.
,--------, ,------, ,--------,
| [024200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Thor |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [024200] |
'--------' '------' '--------'
AMY
Hi! And welcome back. If you're just joining us, you're listening to K-Chat,
Vice City's only commercial talk station. The place where the stars shine in
conversation with you and me. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen my next guest is a rising
star in the world of Norse Mythology. He's appeared in several best selling
Informercials and travels the globe speaking at corporate training camps. His
books and audio cassettes are sold around the world. He's Valhalla's finest
diety and motivational speaker, Thor.
THOR
Hi! Hello Amy, I'm happy to be here, it's been a long journey.
AMY
Uh, yeah. Now I don't know much about you, I mean I read Beowulf, well, I
didn't but I read the cover. But like, you're a Viking right?
THOR
Did the tunic and goatskin boots give you a clue maybe? I am a Viking. And a
Viking that will not only help you unleash the fury's but unleash yourself.
It's in my Thor's Norse Power Program.
AMY
Okay, I'm a little confused. Well, I'm a lot confused. I was taught in school
that Vikings were bloodthirsty and violent!
THOR
An elder once told me, you must unlearn what you have learnt. Of course then he
died of the green plague. There are some Vikings that are a bloodthirsty lot
yes. But no more then anyone else, really. We're a nomadic people Amy, we have
cold fire in our soles. Ye have that fire too Amy, you've just lost it since
you got in television. Now, that being said, I'll answer your question. We're
mostly non-violent, though many of the Vikings travelled to Scotland. And
mind'ya, anyone who goes there will turn bloodthirsty, you can't understand
what the lot are saying. It's all afore, reckle, aboot, dinnea, it's enough to
make you want to burn a village to the ground. That's why in my cassette
series, I talk about the importance of communication. You see Amy, men and
women live in different worlds. We use different words. A group of men talk
about what they've killed, how to start a fire, who has the best longboat.
Women want to talk about keeping the communal longhouse tidy and their
feelings. When I'm raiding a village I don't need to be talking about feelings,
it's time for action!
AMY
Great! So is that all there is to being a Viking? Pillaging?
THOR
No, lass, no, pillaging and battle are important but we admire poetry as well,
as long as it's poems about whacking someone in with a doublehanded battle axe.
What's holding you back Amy? In Chapter 3 of my book I talk about listening to
the blood thirsty water spirit. It's really quite important if you want to
enter Valhalla.
AMY
I think I went there last night! Uh, no, umm that was Malibu but it's the same
sort of thing. Valhalla was that goth club wasn't it? So 1983. But right, what
does being a Viking have to do with anything? This is the 20th century. We have
elecricity, penicillin, jet planes, implants, well, I don't, but I want some,
but I heard the operation is really gross. You live like it's 982AD or
something.
THOR
Mind ye toungue wench, lest I cut it out. Deep down all of you listening to me
say Thor, yes, I'd like to unleash the Viking within. Maybe you go camping once
a year or hunting, and wonder why it feels so natural. That's because it is,
too much of you denying your instincts. Men shaving you know deep down in the
pit of your sole you wish you could crouch in the grass with flies biting your
face afraid to move for fear of alerting the beasts. Covering yourself with Yak
urine to thwart your smell, then a beast draws close, you pounce, bringing your
battleaxe on its skull! Man and animal at that moment, one and the same in a
terrible beauty. Then you drag the carcase back to camp and celebrate by eating
its heart! Some people they only do this once in their lifetime, I do this
everyday. And so can you, all it takes is some positive thinking. Just attend
my Unleash the Norse Within weekend. When you are finished you will say, I am a
God! Nobody can stop me! I crush my enemies and dance on their funeral pyres.
This is very helpful for living in suburbia Amy, and I should know.
AMY
I really don't understand how.
THOR
Oh, it's very helpful. Maybe a neighbor is tossing his leaf clippings on your
lawn, or looking at your woman, or harboring desires regarding your longboat.
You enslave his children, set his house on fire. He shall not bother you again.
AMY
Huh, it must be nice to have you as a neighbor, not.
THOR
I live in no place longer then needed to fulfil my goals, taking slaves,
valuables and food. Goal setting is very important Amy, not just in football.
AMY
You're very weird and creeping me out a bit. But whatever, no weirder then
anything else. So what do you think of Vice City?
THOR
Ah, I like it very much. Your women here are prepared for battle. They are
large, not like those scrawny things to the north. A woman who eats well
provides for her man. You cannot set sail for robbing and pillaging on an empty
stomach. It's like the story of the Parson's Wife and the Troll.
AMY
I don't think I've ever heard of that one.
THOR
Great Carloson. Ye mainlanders have no historical perspective. Read the runes!
It's all right there. Talk to a grandparent. But no, ye cast people out like
rubbish. Wisdom is not to be treated so lightly. When my father grew old, I sat
with him day and night absorbing his wisdom. Learning about the demons and
where the wickedness resides in men's hearts. And as his time grew near, I
built a large pyre, burnt him and his wife while communing with Odin's spirit.
AMY
Careful. Musty Pines is a sponsor of this show. Uh, grody. What are you doing?
THOR
I'm just adjusting myself she devil. Wearing these animals hides does get a bit
itchy.
AMY
Um, okay You never answered my question. What do you think of Vice City?
THOR
Your land and people have a lot in commomn with mine. You see, we too fled our
homes due to lack of food, over population and the bitter cold, and mind ye
starting out to raid passing ships is fine. But we needed a new land to have
our way with. Granted we rode and sailed to an area, land and forest and burned
down a local monastry or village. Whereas you come in, destroy all the
creatures and sell plastic versions of them. You did a fine job pillaging these
lands. But you should have something about Canada.
AMY
Wait a minute there buster, my mother's half canadian.
THOR
Oh, what are you going to do wench? Sweep the ice furiously at me? Hah!
Socialise medicine? Nah, you did it all wrong. You should have continued to the
north and finished things off. I talk about this in me motivational learning
tapes. That and beware the magpie. Tis the devil. Evil raineth when darkness
falls.
AMY
Are you married, you seem like a tough character to live with.
THOR
Aye, my wife Helga. What a hag.
AMY
This show is not sexist. Whatever certain bearded women might say. Women are
people too. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't talk that way.
THOR
Ah! Go live in a chimney ye troll! You 20th centry women are all the same. And
me hag Helga, she fell prey to your uppity ways. She says to me, Thor I ain't
having no mead no more, I'm going to meetings. See, that's ye problem. As soon
as you sort something out, you have to go preaching from the rooftops to
everyone else, how to live, not pillage nor plunder no more, but live in boxes.
Then she says, Thor, I'm getting me stomach stapled I look fat. I now fat as
two yak skins when previously it was only one. I said, wench! Dont' come crying
to me when we're in a longboat crossing the straights for two moons and you're
all skin and bones. A man needs something to grab onto. Aye, ain't her fault. A
cursed pixie goblin got her.
AMY
Pixie Goblin? What kind of weird ancient nonsense are you talking about? Now,
Thor, I've got to ask you, how old are you?
THOR
I'm as old as the fjords and as a young as a new born lamb.
AMY
Are you shy about your age? Just lie about it like my mom.
THOR
Thor is never shy! Thor is mighty, Thor is a god!
AMY
And where are you from?
THOR
From the beggining of the flat earth where the sun meets the sky.
AMY
Oh right, by the beach, great. Let's take a commercial break, we'll be right
back with Thor! he's a real Viking! Yeah right whatever.
,--------, ,---------------, ,--------,
| [024300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Medallion Man |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024300] |
'--------' '---------------' '--------'
FERNANDO MARTINEZ
Hello, I am Fernando Martinez, I think by now you know I am an emotional kind
of guy. People stop me in the street and say, Fernando what the hell is wrong
with me? Silk-shirt, hairy chest, enough aftershave to drown a household pet,
but I still cannot get a woman. And I tell them, you are an ignorant fool.
Without the symbol of power and fertility around your neck, what kind of woman
is going to respect you? That's why I've teamed up with Medallion Man, the shop
for medallion needs. Medalion Man caters to all levels of masculinity, for the
strong silent type a medallion the size of a hub cap will say everything that
needs to be said. Even singing medallions for the Casanova who knows music is
the food of love. My old drains, thal houses, dipers, whatever your interest,
we've got the medallion for you. Don't forget, every woman knows, if you can't
support a medallion, you can't support a family.
,--------, ,---------------, ,--------,
| [024400] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Synth and Son |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024400] |
'--------' '---------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
We have some sad news for you.. Rock & Roll is dead, and pop is in! Why not
discover the excitement of the science of music yourself, at Synth & Son - the
home of keyboards! Thanks to the science of music, you don't need musical
talent to make great music. Just listen... I created that, just by pressing a
button. Synthesizers are the new way! Why work hard on difficult compositions,
when a machine can make music better than you've ever dreamed of? You'll be the
hit of the party! It's perfect for in restaurant entertainment, cover bands,
and funerals. Make fuse funky, and death marches danceable! It's the science of
music at Synth & Son. Remember - you don't know you're a musician, until you
try!
,--------, ,---------------, ,--------,
| [024500] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Thor - Phones |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024500] |
'--------' '---------------' '--------'
AMY
We're back on K-Chat, with me, Amy, and my guest is Thor. Viking Warrior and
elf help guru. Do you have a last name? Oh, whatever. Anyway, what were we
talking about?
THOR
We were talking about the wisdom of the ancients. There are many hurdles in
life Amy, I remember one of the first bits of fanmail I got. It came by bottle
in the sea. A man of lolard island said, a tiny woman came to our farm and
swept in front of our door, a woodland troll has carried off my woman in the
dead of night. Give me wisdom Thor!
AMY
So, what did you tell him?
THOR
Aye Amy, it was obvious the black plague had visited his home. As sure as you
can't be a midwife to a fairy, expect wisdom from a fool, or find a good meal
Downtown on a Saturday night.
AMY
Ok, I don't um I really have nothing to ask you. Because I really don't think
we're bonding quite right here. I'm more then a little confused. Let's go to
the phones! You're on K-Chat with Thor!
JAY
Yes hello Thor, my names Jay. I'm a huge fan man. Your book really helped me
get through puberty. Everyone else was into vampires and stuff. I'd just got
into the Viking thing it's pretty cool. It's been working pretty well for me.
Anyway, my girlfriend and I, we fight all the time. She's always calling to
check up on me. It really totally sucks, it's a drag. Like I hang out at the
stripmall with all my boys, and she shows up. Is there any advice you can give
me?
THOR
Ah yes. There was s man that asked for a nights lodging at a certain farm on
the eve of Maunday Thursday, or maybe it was fat Tuesday. Anyway in the course
of the night the old woman of the house took that out a horn of salve and
smeared herself with it from head to toe. She then climbed on top of the stove,
sat astride a sweeping broom and began to...
AMY
Uh, hello, excuse me. What the hell are you talking about?
THOR
Reading from the Runes wench!
AMY
What kind of rune is that?
THOR
Aye, it's a man's rune and not appropraite for the warrior under 18 years old.
But there's a moral at the end. Are you still there fair Jay?
JAY
Ah yeah. I'm still here.
THOR
Do you love this woman?
JAY
Yeah, I, uh think so. She's really special. Specially in the backseat if you
know what I mean Thor.
THOR
Then behead her! And parade thy love around on a stick for the world to admire.
JAY
Wow, cool, thanks Thor!
AMY
OK I'd like to throw you out but you've got an enormous sword and uh, arh,
yeah. Let's take another call. But first listeners, Vice City, remember don't
behead your girlfriend and take her head around on a stick. Hello, you're on K-
Chat with Thor!
TJAY
Hey brother. My name is TJay. Your book is fresh. Real fresh. Like it's been a
real inspiration and all that. it's most definately on me and my crew's vibe.
And that Loki brother, he as slick as Salivex. You know what I mean trooper? In
fact, me and my boys have started a Thor fanclub. You know what I'm rapping?
We're on your vibe man.
THOR
Aye, a Thor fanclub. This pleases Thor very much. I shall speak of myself in
the 3rd person from now on.
TJAY
Uh, uh, yeah I wasn't really into school all that much. But I hear you Thor. So
so anyway, we have this fanclub right, and instead of naming it something like
The Vice Lords of Valhalla we gave it like a, a modern name, keeping things
firmly in the '80s you know. The Bloods. Ain't that off the wall man? We follow
your teachings to the letter sir. Especially how you go around smiting fools
with that wild mad hammer of yours. And getting people to know exactly what
time it is. You hear?
THOR
Have you a magic hammer?
TJAY
Nah T, we don't have any Odin types round here to strap us with superfly
hardware like yours. But we do have Mac 10s, Tec 9's, Tray 8's StreetSweepers
and all that. Are you still on my vibe brother?
THOR
Aye, I like the sound of this. Me thinks I want to join your group. Do you
pillage proper?
TJAY
Hell yeah, we do it like a viking. You ought to come party with us. We'll even
make you a honouray Blood. Word.
THOR
Ah, indiscriminant pillaging. This is, as we say, the school of old. When I am
done with the wench, we shall meet. Till then beware the Frost Giant, TJay and
the serpent with two tounges.
TJAY
Uh, yeah, ok whatever, yo brother! Where did you land that funky fresh silver
helmet of yours? Those wings on the side are wicked money!
AMY
Stop calling me a wench!
THOR
I have much to teach you wench Amy. Only if you would listen. For many
centuries people have asked questions. Why has my fatted calf gone after the
gypsy woman appeared? Are there trolls living in my chimney? Aye sure, I could
tell ye the story of twelve children on the platter or the midsummers snow. And
the spirit hatched from the cock's egg. But in the end Amy, you need a spirit
journey. A wandering spirit demands a wandering body. Take a longboat. Pack
only what you can carry. Head toward the moon at high tide.
AMY
Ok thanks for the advice. And with that revelation, I'm going to have to change
topics. That was Thor viking warrior. Coming up next, we have another guest.
We'll be back, right after this.
,--------, ,---------------------------, ,--------,
| [024600] |~-~-~-~-~-~-| Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts |~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024600] |
'--------' '---------------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
How do you like to enjoy a Rusty Brown's Ring Donut?
MAN
I like to lick lovingly around the outside and then thrust my tounge in the
middle.
WOMAN
I like to munch it vigourously.
MAN
I just love the batter, all over my face.
MAN
On Friday nights I just can't stop eating Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.
WOMAN
Oh my god! It's so good.
MAN
Sometimes I like to wear women's panties and walk around 5th Street.
SPEAKER
When you go Downtown, make sure you enjoy Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.
,--------, ,---------------------------, ,--------,
| [024700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-| Think Your Way to Success |~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024700] |
'--------' '---------------------------' '--------'
JEREMY
Hi, I'm Jeremy Rowbard. Entrepreneur, VIP and founder of the revolutionary
program Think Your Way to success. It's a three step program that's been
changing lives, and my income, for the last two years. Five years ago, I was a
nobody just like you. After my Think Your Way to success program I spend the
entire weekend in my jacuzzi. Or engaging in the exciting sport of domino
toppling. Hey, if you can think it you can do it. One of my award winning
courses is sure to be perfect for you. The first course I call, Think, Hold
that Thought, Complete because that's what you do. Step two is known as Learn,
Start doing, where I explain the mysteries of starting. Or take the new
excelerated course that'll have you laughing and hugging strangers. Motivate,
Demonstrate, then motivate again. Just listen to these endorsements. And
remember, these people volunteered. They aren't being paid much.
MAN
I've been on the Think, Hold That Thought, Complete program and I have to say,
I'm finally gonna start my career in being a well paid rich person.
MAN
Yeah, I've been thinking my way to success for a while now. It's some good
stuff.
JEREMY
Call now and sign up for my Think Your Way to Success program, and if you want
to think really fast, try my Crank It Out program. Call 1-866-434SELF. Hey,
don't just do it. Think about it.
,--------, ,-------------------, ,--------,
| [024800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Complete the Look |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024800] |
'--------' '-------------------' '--------'
SPEAKER
Sweaty leather tracksuit? Absurdly fat day glow laces? Something missing?
BACKING
Complete the look.
SPEAKER
Complete the look, with a replica car sign insignia on a chunky gold plate
chain. At Vice City's one stop shop for people who know how to put the hip into
hip-hop.
BACKING
Wow, you look fresh.
SPEAKER
Complete the look.
And that's all 1 hour 43 minutes and 55 seconds of the K-Chat radio station
all written out for you. It'll just loop back around to the start now.
,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
|~-[030000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-LINKS TO THE PAST~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-[030000]-~|
'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
Thanks to Forelli_boy I have started this brand new section with links from
past GTA games.
The first two are thanks to Forelli_boy:
Freddy was that "nanny" guy from Chatterbox in GTA3.
Mr. Zoo is known as Johnny Zoo in GTA2 who was a Yakuza boss!
And here's some more:
Maibatsu Thunder is a younger version of the Maibatsu Monstrosity
Rednecks were a gang in GTA2
The Zaibatsu have a very similar name to the Maibatsu Thunder (probably)
In the Ammu-Nation commercial they mention a war with Australia which is
also mentioned in GTA3's Chatterbox
The Morgan caller to Claude Maginot is the host of Double Cleff FM in GTA3
And here's a link to the future:
During his interview, a caller mentions BJ Smith playing against San
Andreas. This is a mention to the next game in the series which is called San
Andreas and is a whole state rather than a single city as has been in GTA3 and
Vice City.
,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
|~-[040000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~VERSION HISTORY~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~[040000]-~|
'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
v4.0 - 25th of June 2009
Rechecked the entire script, fixed a lot and reformatted.
v3.02 - 17th of May 2009
Minor corrections.
v3.01 - 12th of November 2004
Just a few errors fixed and the version history moved.
v3.0 - 7th of June 2004
OK, in the first update in over a year, I have reordered the script so that it
reads like the file on the disk thereby starting with Jez Torrent rather than
Mr Zoo as was previously. I have also gone through the whole script again and
corrected hundreds of tiny errors in order to make the script readable to
everyone. There is most likely still many small mistakes in the script but
unless I really can be bothered to go through the entire station yet again,
this will be the final ever update of the script. I also have written out an
ASCII picture which is now located at the top of the guide, it's the K-Chat
logo if you couldn't tell. Oh, and I have also made it easier to find the exact
bit of the script you want to find as I have improved the contents list.
v2.3 - 8th of March 2003
Again some more mistakes have been corrected to help you with your viewing. I
think that this could be one of the last updates (I mean it this time!)
v2.2 - 22nd of February 2003
Just a few mistakes have been corrected really.
v2.1 - 29th of December 2002
A few mistakes corrected and after realising that I had the whole thing written
out twice, I have removed the copied bit to make the file more readable. Very
sorry if it confused you.
v2.0 - 19th of December 2002
Ahh, complete and utter stisfaction. I have finally completed the K-Chat
script! I thought that it would have taken longer but the parts seemed to go
by faster then ever before. Anyway, this might be the last update unless there
are enough corrections to require a new edition. Thanks for reading and
goodnight. I will still take all corrections and stuff so keep sending them in!
v1.4 - 15th of December 2002
Finally got back into the swing of things with this script after taking a few
days off with my new Walkthrough on GameFAQs (was already on IGN) to add some
stuff to that. Anyway, with this one then. Finished off Thor (I hate him!) and
all the ads till Michelle Carapadis. Done some of her talking (not much as yet)
as soon as both her sections are complete (and the ads in between and after)
the script will be mostly complete (except for errors of course) so Merry
Christmas again! (10 Days to go!) (and 6 sections to go!) (plus I slightly
redid the ASCII thing again but not much)
v1.3 - 10th of December 2002
Well, large update today, added the whole (still a few corrections to do but
it's mostly done) Jez Torrent script given to me by Psy and is the biggest
contribution by anyone! Thanks! I have also now completed the Claude Maginot
section and have started with the Thor bit, but that may take a while as I have
got quite a bit to do for it. So all the way to section ac are done. Today I
have scripted over 20 minutes of the show and I expect to do more by tomorrow.
Just 12 sections left to do (part of it is the Thor script and Jez Torrent last
bit)
v1.2 - 1st of December 2002
Merry Christmas! (Or at least in 25 days, but still) I have now added the start
of the Mr Zoo conversation (as when I saved in the game it had just started)
And added all the info for all the different conversations and adverts. Just
got the dialogue for 29 more sections to do but 19 already done so the script
should be finished by next Sunday.
v1.1 - 30th of November 2002
Finished up with all the way to BJ Smith's conversation. Still got the Thor,
Jez Torrent, Mandy and Michelle Carapadis bits of K-Chat to do! Nearly there
now! Only a few days till the script is complete in sections (though
correctness in words and stuff will probably take a while longer)
v1.0 - 29th of November 2002
Added a lot. Rest of Mr Zoo talk and half the Gethsemanee bit. Listed some
stuff after that as filling spaces which people can send the bits into if they
want! That's it really. Made a few alterations to the original bit but not
much.
,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
|~-[050000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~THANKS~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-[050000]-~|
'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
Anyway, here the sources/people I need to thank:
GameFAQs for hosting this script for K-Chat.
IGN for hosting this script for K-Chat as well.
Rockstar North for making a great game with a great radio station in.
Dan Houser and Lazlow for writing the original script for K-Chat in Vice City.
All the voice actors who recorded the station.
And the contributors to the script:
dr_evil1981
lint6
Psy
hendrix
Thomas
Cygnet04
Forelli_boy
Tony
Unladen
Tristan
Michael Fierro
Rick Lee
StoneTempleDude
,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
|~-[060000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~CONTACT~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~[060000]-~|
'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
Please contact me at the following email address regarding the script if you've
spotted any large errors. Make sure to state clearly what you're talking about.
dark52 (at) darkspyro (dot) net
,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
|~-[070000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-COPYRIGHT~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-[070000]-~|
'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
Copyright 2002-2009 dark52
All trademarks and copyrights contained in this document are owned by their
respective trademark and copyright holders.
,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
'-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
