Conker’s Bad Fur Day Script
By: korethis.
Table of Contents
I. Introduction.............(sec1)
II. Version history..........(sec2)
III. Game Script..............(sec3)
a. Game Introduction.....(sec3a)
b. Hungover..............(sec3b)
c. Death Scene...........(sec3c)
d. Windy Part 1..........(sec3d)
e. Barn Boys.............(sec3e)
f. Windy Part 2..........(sec3f)
g. Bat’s Tower...........(sec3g)
h. Sloprano..............(sec3h)
i. Uga Buga..............(sec3i)
j. Windy Part 3..........(sec3j)
k. Spooky................(sec3k)
l. It’s War..............(sec3l)
m. The Heist.............(sec3m)
n. Ending................(sec3n)
o. Epilogue..............(sec3o)
IV. Credit...................(sec4)
V. Copyright................(sec5)
Introduction (sec1)
This is the script for X-box version of Conker’s Bad Fur
Day. Any bleeped words on the game will be bleeped here. This is my
first contribution, so cut me some slack. The script will contain
spoilers, seeing as how it is the entire script. It also contains
harsh language, so if you are easily offended, stop reading now. Also,
I wrote this script, so gamefaqs.com is the only site it will be shown
on. If you would like to post it on your site, email me and ask my
permission at
[email protected]
Version History (sec2)
06-06-2007 – Officially started the script. I will do my best to make
sure it is correct.
06-07-2007 – Got to the Uga Buga chapter. Hope to get it and Windy Part
3 finished within the week.
08-31-2007 – Finished the Uga Buga chapter and started Windy Part 3.
09-01-2007 – Finished Windy Part 3 and started Spooky.
12-15-2007 – Got my game back after it was stolen. Finished Spooky and
started It’s War!
01-11-2008 – Finished It’s War! And started The Heist.
01-12-2008 – Completed the script. It is still open for correction.
Game Script (sec3)
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS!
Ok so this is the game script. Any bleeped out words will be put as
*’s. you can figure out what they’re saying by the number of
asterisks. Anyway, as stated above, this script is not intended for
those easily offended. All actions will be made between two *’s. such
as
*Conker runs in a circle.*
All speech will have the character’s name in front of it. Now, let’s
get to the story!
Game Introduction (sec3a)
Throne Room
*The camera shows a close-up of Conker, then slowly zooms out, showing
many characters around him.*
Conker: Well, there I am, Conker the king; king of all the land. Who'd
have thought that? But how did I come to this, you say. And who are those
strange
fellows that surround my throne. That you also say. It's a long story.
Come closer and I'll tell you. It all started yesterday, and what a day
that was! It's what I like to call, a bad fur day.
*Scene changes to Berri working out, then zooms out to her phone*
Berri's answering message: Hi. You've reached, like, Berri's place.
I'm not available to answer the phone, obviously! However, if you leave your,
like, name and number, and sound cute, I may ring you back. Ciao!
Conker over the phone: Hi Berri. Hello... Berri if you're there, pick
up.
Hello! Oh. Anyway, look...
*Scene changes to the bar*
Conker: I'm going to be a bit late. Met up with a couple of guys, and
they're off tomorrow to some... I dunno, fight some war somewhere.
Anyway.
*Scene changes back to Berri’s phone*
Conker: I'll see ya. Love you!
*There is laughter in the background and the scene changes to Conker
hanging up the phone*
Conker: I think she bought it.
Random person: Conker, put the phone down!
Conker: Oh, okay! Right! Whose round was it?
Many people: YOURS!
Conker: What? Again? Okay, can someone lend me a fiver?
Much Later…
Conker: Ugh. I don't feel so good now. You guys enjoy yourselves and
all
That, and I'll probably see you sometime next week. I gotta go home.
I'll go this way. No, that's the toilets. I'll go this way then.
Yep. That's better.
*Outside the bar*
Conker: Doesn’t look too good tonight. Ugh. Ooh. Hang on a sec.
*Conker pukes on the ground next to a monk, having the puke splash on
the monk.*
Conker: Ah ha. Sorry about that old chap. I gotta go.
*Conker walks off the right of the screen…
…and appears in front of a sign*
Conker: Can’t quite make it out. Anyway, seems pretty familiar to me.
*Behind him wasps are stealing a beehive.*
Wasp: C’mon, c’mon! Quick! Quick! Quick!
*Conker turns around just after they pass*
Conker: Huh? What was that? Oh, well. This way I suppose.
*Scene changes back to the throne room, showing the king before
Conker.*
Slim Guard: More milk, sire?
Panther King: Yes.
*The Panther King holds out a glass, which the slim guard pours milk
into. The king takes a gulp and sets the glass down on a table with
quite an obvious problem. The table tips and the glass falls over onto
the floor.*
Slim Guard: *gulp*
*The Panther King roars*
Hungover (sec3b)
*Conker wakes up with a hangover, moans and looks around with beer
vision. (Yay beer vision!!!) Conker coughs and gags*
Conker: Oh, no. It’s gonna be one of those days…
*Conker walks over to a scarecrow. It turns around to look at him.*
Birdy: Uh. Who are you?
Conker: Oh. Hello. Can you help me? I need to get home and go to bed
cause I don't feel very well at all.
Birdy: Err. Home? No. No.
Conker: Oh. So you can’t help me at all?
Birdy: Actually, yeah. Yes. I can. Maybe.
Conker: Um, okay. What’s your name?
Birdy: Birdy.
Conker: Beardy? But you haven’t got a beard.
Birdy: No. Birdy. I scare birdies.
Conker: Okay, Birdy. How can you help me?
Birdy: Right! Step over here.
*Birdy turns around and when Conker steps on the B pad.*
Birdy: You see those buttons? Actually, you'll find that they're
called context sensitive. And, eh, well, actually, they eh, press B.
Conker: Press B?
Birdy: Oh yeah. The light comes on and it makes this noise. Ting!
Ting
noise. It goes ting.
*A light bulb appears over Conker’s head and makes the “ting noise”*
Birdy: There you go. Ting. That’s it.
Conker: That’s it?
Birdy: Yeah.
Conker: Okay. I’ll press B.
*Conker pulls out a bottle of beer*
Birdy: Ah. Don’t mind if I do.
*Birdy drinks it*
Conker: So what does that mean?
Birdy: It means context sensitive. It’s sensitive to context. Try it
over there.
*Birdy points to the other B pad.*
Conker: Okay.
Birdy: Or you could try it again.
*If you try it again there Conker pulls out a bottle of helium. Birdy
swipes it and inhales it.*
Birdy: *In a high voice* Really nice helium.
*If you press B again, Conker pulls out another bottle of beer. Birdy
takes it.*
Birdy: Ah. Don’t mind if I do. Thank you very much.
*Birdy chugs it*
Birdy: Ah. I’m going to bed now. Night-night.
*When you press B on the other panel Conker pulls out a glass of water
and pills, puts the pills in water, they dissolve, and he drinks it.
Bye-bye hang over. Conker then pitches the glass behind him.*
Conker: Wow. Just what I needed. In fact, it would seem to me that
these give me just what I need at that moment in time...ooh...I see
what he means. Context sensitive. Clever! And I feel loads better!
Right! Let's get out of here. Oh, and by the way. If for whatever
reason you want to skip all these wonderful cut scenes, then just pull
the left trigger. But, you will have to have watched them at least
once.
*When it doesn’t appear you can go any further*
Conker's thoughts: Oh. I can't seem to get any further. I'm sure there
was something... ah, yes. Now I remember! Hold down the right trigger
and I should crouch. Now then, what was it? Oh yeah! Press A to jump
extra high. Then A again to do that funny helicoptery tail thing. Now
that makes me hover. Hmmm... I should easily get across that gap. Are
you sure you’ve got that?
*When you get to the top bridge*
Conker: Ah. Who's this guy?
Gargoyle: If you think you're coming this way, you can think again.
Conker: Oh, you're a real charmer. I just wanna get past, please.
Gargoyle: No! I don't think so. I've only just got comfy. Have you
ever sat on a piece of gothic architecture for two hundred years? Gets
right up your arse you know. Thought it was about time to move to a
bridge, say, and I'm not moving now.
Conker: Isn't it a little bit early in the day to start talking about
gothic architecture?
Gargoyle: Well, if you care to come a bit closer, we can discuss things
of another nature.
*If you get close to him he’ll rough you up and toss you into the water
at the bottom of the cliff*
*When you pull a lever and go in the door there is a key bouncing
around. You keep trying to catch it, but it’s no good.*
Conker: Hang on a second. This is no good at all. Hmm, I need a weapon.
*Conker walks over to a weapon rack*
Conker: Ahh, that should do it. Eenie, meenie, miney, mo! A frying pan!
Conker’s thoughts: Weapons. Cool. Okay, here’s the score. Press B to
equip and put away. Then, once equipped, pulls the right trigger to
swipe. Um, are you sure you’ve got that?
*Three enemies come out of the ground and one swallows the key*
Conker: Oh, just great! I thought the designers said this was just a
straight port. What a hack! Now, which one was it?
*After defeating the three enemies and hitting the key, you can open
the door. Go up to the gargoyle and hit him with the frying pan to make
him say*
Gargoyle: A frying pan. You stupid little t***.
Conker’s thoughts: Hmm. Wasn’t he meant to fall of here?
Conker: Hey, weren’t you meant to fall off here?
Gargoyle: Yes. But the designer thought it wise to change the training
level a bit. To fool the audience into thinking that the rest of the
game would also be different. I’m afraid you’ll have to try something
else.
Conker’s thoughts: Hmm. Well, lucky I brought this as well then.
*Conker pulls out a baseball bat and uppercuts the gargoyle.*
Gargoyle: Ouch.
*The gargoyle falls backward causing a rockslide to crush him. Conker
looks at the camera*
Conker: Hey, Mr. Designer! No more surprises please.
*When you get to the next B pad Conker will pull out a plunger*
Conker: Plunger with dynamite. Um, I think I know what’s gonna happen
now.
*Conker pushes the plunger down and the giant rock explodes.*
Conker: Whoa! Yep. Fantastic. Let’s go and get some shut-eye… finally!
Death Scene (sec3c)
*Gregg is unseen at first holding a megaphone to give him a deep voice*
Gregg: Conker. Conker! Conker!! Yes, you boy. You’re dead. You are
dead. Dead as a dodo. Deader than a…
*The megaphone stops working as soon as Gregg appears*
Gregg: I can’t be arsed with this bloody ridiculous contraption. Who’s
idea was this anyway. Right. Hello. My name’s Gregg, the Grim Reaper
and don’t laugh.
Conker: Aren’t you a little short to be a grim reaper.
Gregg: Well, how many grim reapers have you met before mate? Like, what
am I supposed to look like?
Conker: Yeah. Good point and well made.
Gregg: Now. Let’s see…
*Smoke poofs and a scroll appears in front of the short grim reaper.*
Gregg: Ah. Yes. Conker… surname?
Conker: The Squirrel.
Gregg: The Squirrel. The squirrel. The…
*Another poof of smoke and the scroll disappears.*
Gregg: Oh, bloody hell! You would have to be a sodding squirrel,
wouldn’t you?
Conker: Why? Is there a problem with that?
Gregg: Well, yes there is, actually. It’s like those bloody cats. Such
a pain in the arse. You’re one of these “special cases.”
Conker: Oh, really?
Gregg: Yes. Apparently according to the powers that be… I’m just doing
my job. I do what I’m told. I don’t even get paid very much.
Apparently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get
away with.
Conker: Oh. I see. So I’m not dead.
Gregg: You’re dead, but not quite.
Conker: Huh. Right. Well, I’ll be off then.
*Gregg slams his scythe in the ground in front of where Conker is
walking.*
Gregg: Just you wait! Smart arse. You don’t get out of it that easily.
Now, the thing is, you may not be dead, but that doesn’t mean you can’t
die. You just have a few more, shall we say, chances. Yes. Like cats. I
hate those things. Distributed around your little world are these tail
things. Squirrels’ tails. If you can get them, I’ll give you an extra
chance. Understand?
Conker: Um. Well. Sounds a bit strange but okay.
Gregg: Strange? It’s the best bloody deal you’re going to get you
little prick. Right. Piss off. I’ve got some cats to see.
*Gregg walks off slowly muttering*
Gregg: Bloody things. I hate those bloody cats. The way they meow and
piss everywhere, and their **** smells just bloody awful. All over my
furniture…
Windy Part 1 (sec3d)
*the scientist is floating around in his hover-chair*
Scientist: Have I got everything? Have I got everything? Hurry!
Hurry! Hurry! You know what he's like. You know what he's like. Make a
good entrance. Zis could be important.
*the scientist hovers slowly over to the Panther King.*
Panther King: Ah. Professor. I have a job for you. As you can see, the
table.
Scientist: Ze table! Ah yes. So, you have spilt ze milk again?
That's not gut. Not gut! Let me have a look at it for you. Yes.
I... I think I see the problem. I vill see vat I can do. You must
give me a moment, though. I vill come back later.
*The scientist starts to hover out but…*
Panther King: Don’t be too long.
Scientist: I vill be as quick as I can sire.
Panther King: Cause you know what happened last time.
Scientist: Oh. Heh. Only too well. Only too well. I vill go now.
*He starts to hover out again, but…*
Panther King: I don’t want to have to get the duct tape out again.
Scientist: Yes. I mean, no. I don’t vant you to get the duct tape out
again. Goodbye! Goodbye!
*The scene changes to the scientist’s lab*
Scientist: Duct tape! I’ll give him the duct tape. ******* ********.
I’ll come down here. I’ll show him where the duct tape is. I’ll show
him where to stuff it! Stupid ******! All I do all day is try to sort
his stupid ******* problems out. *******! I ******* hate that ******!
Anyway, vat vere ve? Ze milk, ze milk, ze table, ze table. Oh, vat
shall ve do vit zis? Um. Clean slate, ja, clean slate. Anti-gravity
chocolate is… kinda vurking. Ah. Zat vill do. Out the ******* vindow
vit zat.
*The professor hits the chocolate out the window and it lands in front
of Conker. Eventually, Conker runs into a crying bee.*
Queen Bee: Oh, those nasty, nasty wasps. What ever shall we do? My
beautiful hive has gone, and I’ll never see it again
Conker’s thoughts: Hope she’s rich cause she ain’t cute.
Conker: What do you want me to do about it?
Queen Bee: Please get it back for us. Otherwise, I don’t know what
we’re going to do.
Conker: Ok. Ok. Calm down. I’ll go and get it for you. Now, where is
it?
Queen Bee: Just follow the signs.
*Once you find the hive, the wasps will come out.*
Wasp with Cigar: Hey! Some wise guy’s trying to steal our nice new
hive!
Slim Wasp: Come on boss. Let’s go get him.
Fat Wasp: Yeah! Let’s get him.
*When you return the hive, it turns into a gun turret. Queen Bee will
hop inside and aims at the slim wasp*
Slim Wasp: *Gulp*
Conker: Eat lead, mother buzzer.
*Queen Bee open fires, taking out two of the wasps and leaving the one
with the cigar smoking.*
Wasp with Cigar: You’ll never get me!
*A single shot is fired from the turret killing the last wasp. Queen
Bee gets out of the turret.*
Queen Bee: Oh, thank you Mr. Squirrel. None of this would have happened
if it weren’t for that no-good husband of mine. He’s gone off, you
know, with another woman.
Conker: Oh. Really. That doesn’t surprise me.
Queen Bee: What?
Conker: Nothing!
Queen Bee: Anyway. As a reward for your good service to the bee
community, I present you with this.
*A wad of money appears behind the beehive and goes over to Conker*
Money: Somebody call for me?
*In true cartoon fashion, Conker’s eyes turn into dollar signs and
spin*
Money: Who wants some of the dough?
*Conker pockets the money*
Conker: Yeah! Cash prizes.
*Walk along the path and dung beetles will pop up*
Beetle 1: Alright, who’s dis?
Beetle 2: It looks like one of them squirrels.
Beetle 1: I reckon we should go down there and kick the **** out of
him?
Beetle 2: Ah, wait till he comes up here, alright?
Beetle 1: Yeah, okay then.
*Walk on the B pad and Birdy will pop up.*
Birdy: Hello. It’s me again. Mr. Scarecrow Birdy. Right what seems to
be the problem? Oh yes. You need manual. Otherwise, no. Doesn’t work.
It’ll cost you.
Conker: Okay, how much?
Birdy: Eh… got any mepsipax?
Conker: What?
Birdy: Don’t matter. Actually, I think, well, eh, ten dollar. Long
time. You love manual long time.
*If you don’t have money, Birdy will sit there waiting. If you do have
money, however, then Conker will pull out the money.*
Conker: Here you go.
*Birdy pockets the money.*
Birdy: Here ya go.
*Birdy gives Conker the manual.*
Birdy: Manual. Just press B.
*Birdy goes off farting with the money in his back pocket.*
Money: Oh! Ugh! Ah! Get me outta here! Hey you come here! Come on!
*The money hops out and goes back over to Conker.*
Money: I wanna go back in there! Hurry up!
Conker: Okay. Suits me. Yeah. Cash.
*Conker pockets the money. Then, he opens the manual.*
Conker’s thoughts: Ah. Seems to be an instruction book. Oh, I see.
It's for the more complex stuff. It will appear the first time you use
a more complex zone. And, if you need again, just pull the left
trigger and press B. To skip it, just press B. The catapult. Let's
see now. Use control stick to aim... and the right trigger to fire.
That seems simple enough.
*After walking up the path.*
Conker: Hmm. Let’s see. That way…
*Conker looks to the left.*
Conker: Or that way.
*Conker looks to the right.*
Conker: Hmm… that way smells a bit pooey. Hmm. Let me see.
*Conker nods. If you go to the left Conker will gag*
Conker’s thoughts: What a stink. I think this calls for my gas mask.
*Conker puts on a gas mask*
*If you go up to the poo cabin*
Conker: Hmm. Ten o’clock. What time is it now?
*Conker pulls out a watch*
Conker: Oh… oh well. I suppose I’ll come back later then.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Barn Boys (sec3e)
*Scientist in his lab*
So. What is ze key elements in this experimentation. We have ze table
here. And ze milk in ze glass broken. Ah. I see the problem. Oh. And
there seems to be a… hmm. Seems to be a… hmm. I must do some
experiments I think. Ja. Ja we will sort this out. And when my tediz
are ready, then, my lord, we will see who uses the duct tape
*A blue black is being crushed by a purple block.*
Jack: I say, uh, I say little fella. You’d better get this fat-ass
bitch off a my back pronto.
Conker: Gee, so many people around here want me to solve their
problems. What are you gonna do for me then?
Jack: I’ll tell you want I'm gonna do. I say, I’ll tell you what I’m
gonna do. You get rid of that freaking mouse critter and maybe I’ll
help you out. Just maybe. Oh, just one more thing, I say, just one more
thing. You may run into my friend Burt. Just mention my name, Jack, and
everything will be just dandy.
*At the cheese corral*
Conker: Hi. You must be Burt.
Burt: I’m Burt.
Conker: Jack sent me.
Burt: I'll open the gate for you here, and you can get on with what is
it
ever you're trying to do.
*The gate opens*
Conker: That’s all you do? Great.
*When you take the first piece of cheese to Marvin*
Marvin: That was nice! *Burp* I'd like another though, if that's okay.
*second time*
Marvin: Marvelous! One more should just about do it.
*third time*
*Marvin gets extremely fat and passes gas a lot.*
Marvin: Oh no! I think I've had too much!
*He explodes and the purple crate jumps off of Jack*
Jack: Ahhh. I couldn't a lasted a moment longer there. Thank you very
much, Mr. Squirrel. There's something real neat inside that barn. You
just gotta get in there, sonny.
*Money is hopping around on top of the barn*
Money: So , you want some green stuff?
*Conker grabs the money.*
Conker: Yeah! I think the round's on me. I'm gonna get tanked
tonight.
*Conker walks inside the barn and all the haystacks stop jumping around
except for the little one.*
Conker: Hey you! Over there!
*The little haystack stops jumping.*
Little Haystack: Huh?
Conker: Yeah you. Apparently there's something real neat inside this
barn. I can't quite see it myself. Unless, of course, some guys jumping
around stinking of horse poo's real neat. Which, of course, it isn't.
Little Haystack: This is pretty neat.
*The door shuts and locks behind Conker. The camera goes over to a
brush, a paint pot and a pitchfork*
Paint Pot: Hey Franky. I think there's a little fella over there just
comin in through the door. I think it's your turn… is it his turn?
Paint Brush: Yeah yeah I think it's his turn. Franky go kick his ass!
Go on kick his ass!
Franky: I ain't kicking. It's always my turn to kick their asses.
Paint Pot: Franky just go over there and kick his ass for ******* sake.
Paint Brush: Yeah, go over there and kick his ass. Somebody's gotta
kick his ass ain't gonna be me! I'm a brush I don't kick ass.
Paint Pot: I'm a paint pot anyway I'm a ******* paint pot. Go and
kick his ass.
Franky: I..I...oh, ok I'll kick his ass...but I'm not going over there
he can come over here.
Paint Pot: Ok ok hey hey quick here he comes quick quick just keep
still keep
still.
*All three of them act like they aren't moving*
*When you move over to them*
Franky: What the damn diddly-squat are you doing in my barn?
Conker: Well, I never. It's a talking pitchfork.
Franky: Not from around here, are ya boy?
Conker: No. I'm from the twenty-first century.
Franky: I don't rightly recollect liking your type...
Conker's thoughts: What the heck's he moaning about?
Franky: Therefore I conclude I'm gonna kick your butt all around this
barn like there's no tomorrow. I is gonna stick my big fork into yers.
Conker: Were your parents related...like, before they were married?
Franky: Right. That's it. I is gonna give you a whuppin. Here we go!
*After you beat him*
Paint Pot: I've seen some kicking ass in my time, and that is the
*********, crapest, crapiest, ********* kick ass I've ever seen.
Paint Brush: Yeah heh yeah that was pretty crap. I could kick as
kicking ass goes, it was abysmal and you is a ******* bastard, stupid
bastard heh... isn't he?
Paint Pot: Yeah, he sure is. So, what're ya gonna do now, kill
yourself, cause that's what I would recommend.
Paint Brush: Yeah. You should kill yourself. In fact, we got a rope
right here.
Paint Pot: Yeah, we've got a rope. There ya go.
Franky: What kind of friends are you? Eh.. a.. oh, in that case, I is
gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself right now. That's all there
is to it. **** you!
*Camera shows Franky hanging from the roof of the barn*
Paint Pot: What are you doing he he he he. You stupid bastard! Ha ha
ha ha. He hasn't even got a neck!
Paint Brush: Yeah look at him up there stupid bastard hasn't even got a
neck. He hasn't got a neck, has he?
Paint Pot: I already said that. Shut up!
Brush: Oh. Okay.
Franky: I don't believe it. I don't appear to have a neck of any
description. In fact, I ain't even got an oesophagus. Oooh.. diddle
di damn. I is gonna be up here for some time.
*When you pull the lever King Bee falls out of barn through the door
the switch opens with Tickly Bees following him. A giant haystack then
jumps down from the rafters.*
Giant Haystack: So, my nemesis is defeated.
*brush and pot shudder close to each other*
Giant Haystack: Hah. Yes. It's me again. Right. Time to wonder
around aimlessly.
*He starts jumping around.*
*In the rafters*
Bat 1: Hey Barry. Look at this ******!
*Conker walks in*
Barry: But I'm blind you ****.
Bat 1: Oh use your ******* radar!
*At the end of the path*
*Conker tosses hundreds of knives at Franky*
Franky: Ow! Ooh ow! Hey! Woah! Ah! Uh! What the hell you trying
to do?
*A side-flying clever cuts the rope*
Franky: This is gonna hurt.
*Franky falls to the ground. The pot and brush laugh at him*
*When you go down*
Pot: What'd you do that for? Dumb ****.
Brush: Yeah.. ya dumb **** heh heh.
Pot: Why is it you have to repeat everything I say?
Brush: I don't repeat everything you say... do I?
Pot: Yes, you do, actually.
Brush: Oh. Sorry.
Franky: Why. Thank you Mr. Squirrel. I was hanging up there by my
perty little neck. It's like one of them there executions yous hear
about.
*Conker looks over to the pot and brush. They have execution masks on
with an axe. Conker starts to look away, turn back real fast, and
they're back to normal*
Conker: Um....yeah...anyway, what are we gonna do about this guy over
here?
Franky: Well, what do you want to do about him? I'll do anything for
you cause you is my bestest buddy in the whole wide world.
*Pot and brush start laughing*
Conker: Um. Just a sec.
*Conker goes over. You can hear noises in the background. Then,
*PLOP*. The camera zooms out to show the brush in the pot. Brush still
laughs.*
Conker: So. What exactly did you have in mind?
Franky: Well now. Just hop on my back here, and we is gonna go for a
ride.
Conker: Yeah. Okay, but don't get any funny ideas now. This is purely
a means to an end.
Franky: I don't know what you're talking about!
*Hit the hay twice and a robotic eye pops out*
Franky: Yahoo!
Conker: Uh oh.
*Giant Haystack turn around with robotic eye. Robotic eye zooms in on
Conker, and scrolls through various insults. "Buff you, ********"
comes up on the screen*
Robo-haystack: Buff you, ********!
*Hit him a third time and he will cause the ground to collapse. When
you hit the floor below…*
Conker: Ow. I think I've hurt my leg. Oh nooo.
Franky: Eh. What's up little squirrel fella? Eh. We showed him,
didn't
we? Yeah! Huh. That was a piece of cake.
Conker: Yeah. It was, actually. That makes a change.
*Terminator music starts to play as camera zooms in on the fire area*
Conker: I don't think I like the sound of that music...
Franky: I don't think I like the sound of that music either.
*Robo-haystack jumps out*
Conker and Franky: AAAAHHH!
*Robo-haystack zooms in on Conker again*
Robo-haystack: Suzie 9MM.
Suzie: I'm right here, sweety pie. Just tell me where to shoot.
*Rocket jumps off and flies towards Conker. Conker ducks in time*
After last hit, Robo-haystack explodes as Conker is knocked off Franky.
Robotic leg starts to hop towards Conker, but looses power and dies::
Conker: We definitely showed him that time. Um... hey, Franky? Franky!
Where's he gone? Oh no.
*Conker walks over to Franky's broken body while sad music plays*
Franky: Mr. Squirrel... I think I'm a goner.
Conker: You don't look too good. You may be alright.
Franky: Whaddya mean alright? Look at me! I'm broken in two! I'm
just firewood from now. They'll be using me as toothpicks before ya
know it.
Conker: Aw, you'll be alright. C’mon.
Franky: What are ya gonna do?
Conker: Well, I've got an idea. Okay. Let's see.
*Camera looks up while you hear tape sounds*
Conker: Hey. Hold still!
*Camera looks at Franky, who's now taped together*
Conker: There ya go. Good as new.
Franky: Well it kinda feels alright. Well... it ain't so bad after all.
Whaddya think?
Conker: Yeah. Looks great...
Franky: Whaddya mean?
Conker: No, it looks great!
Franky: Ya know, thank you Mr. Squirrel. I think that of all the
people in the world that I've ever met, yous is gotta be the most
generous, kindest, nicest, nicest...
Conker: Ok yeah. No need to get sentimental. Anyway, we need to find
a way outta here now.
Franky: Yeah, you could be right.
*Right then, water starts flooding through the holes in the pipes*
Conker: Yep. Just typical.
Franky: Oh... erm... anyway, Mr. Squirrel, I've... I've gotta go! See
ya!
*Franky hops off*
Conker: Oh well. Suppose I better start swimming. Don't like the looks
of those wires. Better be quick.
*When Conker finds the money inside the barn*
Money: Here I am, ya greedy bastard.
*Conker pockets the money*
Conker: Who wants to be a millionaire? Me, actually.
*After collecting money, Conker climbs to top of barn. He jumps and
turns into a anvil as plummeting down to earth*
*Conker plummets down to earth, finally hitting the bottom. He turns
back into a squirrel and walks around a little wobbly. The gate then
opens near the bottom area*
*in the new area is several zombies and money*
Money: So. Another wise guy? Come on then.
*Conker pockets the money.*
Conker: Cool. I'm gonna have that gold card before you know it.
Mr. Bee: Hey. Buddy. Could you spare me a dime? Hey buddy! Don't
ignore me ah they always ignore me. HEY!
Conker: Eh? Oh... what do you want?
Mr. Bee: Ya know, in my own country I am a king!
Conker: Oh. Really.
Mr. Bee: Yeah. That bitch threw me out. Apparently, the hive keeps
getting stolen. I don't care. Couldn't fit in the ******* thing
anyway. Seen how fat she is. Bitch! Now I'm reduced to the status of
a bum.
Conker: Well... Yeah. Anyway, I gotta go now.
Mr. Bee: Eh. You're like the rest of them. I ain't gonna tell you
about the big-breasted babe then.
Conker: Uh... the big what?
Mr. Bee: Ah. Thought that might have got your attention. She's
lovely. That’s why the wife kicked me out. All I wanna do is pollinate
her. She's got stigmas like you wouldn't believe.
Conker: What do you mean? I thought you said she had big....
Mr. Bee: Yeah. Over there, behind us.
*Camera views flower*
Conker: Hang on a second. Breasts? But she's a sunflower....
Mr. Bee: Yeah. What did you expect her to be? She's a sunflower with
big breasts! I'm a bee! Stupid bastard.
Conker: Ok there's no need to get offensive now.
Mr. Bee: Sorry. You gotta help me out, buddy. I don't know what I'm
gonna do.
Conker: Well, what's in it for me?
Mr. Bee: Cash.
Conker: That'll do... but I thought you were begging?
Mr. Bee: Well... uh... yeah... just... yeah...
Mr. Bee's thoughts: Damn. He's sussed me.
Conker's thoughts: Ha! Sussed him.
Conker: Hey. Uh... could you help me out here? There's a guy over
there. He says he wants to... something to do with stigmas... Not
quite sure. Pollinate you? Sounds a bit strange, but...
Flower: Go away. Ooh. That big tail of yours is far too tickly.
Conker: Uh. No, you don't understand... hey!
Flower: Get that big, long, hairy tail away from me!
Conker: Ah suit yourself then.
Flower: Be like that.
*Conker walks by bees*
Conker: Hi guys.
*Bees swarm him*
Conker: Ah! No. Ah! Ha ha! No! Get off! Ha ha! Don't do
that! Whaddya do? No that tickles that tickles. Stop that. Stop it!
Bees: *buzzing*
Conker: You're tickly bees?
Bees: *buzzing*
Conker: You're pacifists?
Bees: *buzzing*
Conker: You only like to tickle people...
Bees: *buzzing*
Conker: Ticklish flowers?
Bees. *buzzing*
Conker: Like, sunflowers, maybe?
Bees: *buzzing*
Conker: Hmmm. I think I've got a plan.
*After first batch*
Conker: Ah. Yep. That seemed to work. Oh. Looks like I need more.
Hmmm. Where could they be?
*After last batch, sunflower stands up and reveals herself*
Conker: There ya go. She's all yours.
Mr. Bee: Oh. Ah. Thank you very much. I'm going in. Wish me luck
fella.
*Mr. Bee flies in. Camera looks at Conker. Sex sounds are in the
background as Conker makes faces*
Mr. Bee: Cheers, little fella. I feel like a new man.
Flower: So do I. Conker, honey. Fancy going for a bounce?
Conker: A bounce? Ok. Now this is what I call a platform game!
*If Conker goes for a bounce, he’ll find money*
Money: Yeah. I'm here. Hurry up. Pick me up. ****head.
*Conker pockets the money*
Conker: Excellent! Jet pack and butlers, here we come.
*leave farm and head to poo place*
Windy Part 2 (Sec3f)
*in the throne room*
*The Panther King is getting impatient, waiting for the scientist*
Panther King: He better hurry up. What are you looking at?
Skinny Guard: Nothing, sire!
Panther King: Good. Ah. I think I can hear him.
*Scientist busts in*
Scientist: Eureka eureka! I've found it! I've found it! ja! eureka!
Oh. Ah, my lord. Ha! You'll never guess what! I zink I have solved
ze problem. Now, ve have here, if you look...
*Blueprint comes out of nowhere*
Scientist: ...ze table. If you analyze ze table closely, as I have
done most particularly, you vill see zat zere is a gap! And ve're not
talking any old gap here, my lord. It is a sizeable one. Now, milk
goes here. Vat happens? Ve have ze fulcrum here, ze milk here. veight
problem, not good. Milk falls off because of a gap. Ja. Zat is vat
is ze problem. Ze gap!
Panther King: Hmm. I think I see. And, the solution?
Scientist: Ah, now zis is where it gets complicated. I vas mulling
over vat would fit in ze gap. I tried many zings. I tried elephants,
pot plants, uh, many zings. But, ze one thing, and I vas sure of it at
ze time. I vas sure it vas a rodent. And sure enough, it vas! Zis
one. Furrious squidgeterrious, to use the proper vernacular. To ze lay
man, ze red squirrel. Zis red squirrel.
Panther King: Hmm. Yes. Squirrel. I've heard of them. Yes. So?
Scientist: So it is simple, my liege. Ve need a squirrel, and ve put
him here. You no spill your milk, ve don't get duct tape.
Panther King: Hmm. Gentlemen.
*Guards were asleep, but wake up*
Skinny Guard: Yes, my liege?
Panther King: Get me one of these red squirrels.
Skinny Guard: Yes, my liege.
*In the poo cabin*
Dung Beetle: Hey. Alright, there. How ya doing?
Conker: Hi, how ya doing?
Dung Beetle: Would you like to come in now? Yeah, sit down. Whaddya
want?
Conker: Ah. Uh, this place really smells.
Dung Beetle: Yeah, well, we're like ******* dung beetles and we roll
the poo around. **** knows what for.
Conker: Oh, really.
Dung Beetle: Did... do... do you want some poo?
Conker: Um. I uh...
Dung Beetle: Alright. Get your ****** arse in there. There's these
******* cows. Get em in there. Get em to crap. And I'll make you a
ball of poo. And you can do what the hell you like with it. Go on.
On your bike. Are you still here? **** off!
Conker: Oh. Charming.
*In the pasture*
Conker: Ah. Right, don't see any poo here. Oh. Hey, uh excuse me.
Hello. Yeah, you.
*Bull looks over at Conker*
Conker: Whoa, friendly type. I'm looking for some poo. I know it
sounds pretty strange, but...
*Bull runs over to Conker*
Bull: Red! Red! I don't like red! I hate red! Go away!
Conker: Whoa! I take it he doesn't like red. What, I don't see
anything red around...
*Conker looks down*
Conker: Oh. Here we go again.
*When you fill the trough with prune juice*
Conker: Now, logic would denote that something that drinks that is
gonna get the screaming squits. Hmm. Ah. That looks distinctly like
a target...
*Target comes out of wall*
Conker: ...and there we have a bull. Yes. I think I get it.
*When you hit the target a ramp lowers and a cow comes out*
Conker: Ah. A cow. Now that could be useful. Right. This looks like
it needs a little bit more hand-on control. He's a bit of a wild
one...
Cow: Oh. That time again, is it? Oh, I see Bugger Lugs is out here
again. Ah well. Ah. There's a nice little patch I think I'll have a
little bit of grass. Moo.
*camera views the trough*
Conker: Need to get her over there somehow. Hmm.
*Painted target on wood door thing pops up from ground. Hit the cow
once and*
Cow: Ooh. Stop your nonsense, young man. Goodness me. I've quite
lost me appetite now. I'm gonna go for a little meander over here.
Hmm. Actually, I feel a bit thirsty. A nice tasty beverage should
wash this tasty grass down lovely-like.
*Cow walks over to the trough*
Cow: This looks quite nice. Looks to be cranberry flavored. Lovely.
*Cow takes a few slups*
Cow: Hmm. Tastes a bit odd... oh well, I'll have some more.
*Cow keeps drinking when all of a sudden her butt starts erupting with
poo*
Cow: Ooh. Moo. Ooh. Ooh it's like the screaming ***** it is, I'm
outa here!
*Cow runs over to grate in middle of arena and craps in there*
Cow: Ooh. Ooooh. Oh, I say, this is far from dignified. Oh, I hope
Mavis and Olive don't see this, or I'll never hear the end of it.
Oooh ohh. That's a bit... oooh... that's a bit of a... aaaahh. Ohh.
I'll just stay here for a while, just in case, ya never know.
Conker: Looks like she's just about ready to go.
*After you do all three cows*
*Conker lands on ground, while the Bull is on the grate. The grate
starts creaking*
Bull. Why am I such a fat bas...
*Grate collapses. Conker walks over to hear the bull yelling*
Conker: Hmmm. Seems to be filled up with poo. Aaah. That should do
it.
*After jumping into the poo hole, go collect tail and head through door
way. Context sensitive here*
*Conker pulls out a bottle of pills*
Conker: Confidence pills. Hmmm.
*He eats some*
Conker: Ah. Yeah. Hey! I feel a lot more confident. Won't need
these anymore!
*Conker's floaties disappear and pulls out Manual*
Conker's Thoughts: And if I'm a lot more confident, then I should be
able to swim underwater now. Hmmm...how would I do that...let's
see....Press B, and that should submerge me. Then, once I'm
underwater, hold down B to make me swim. Point the control stick in
the direction you want to go. That's it!
*swim back to the entrance and collect money*
Money: Here I am, ya greedy bastard.
*Conker pockets the money*
Conker: Yeah! More sponduli!
*after money swim to hole in main part, you’ll end up in cabin. Go
outside*
Dung Beetle: Yeah, there it is. Over there. A big ball of poo.
Conker: Oh thanks.
Dung Beetle: You're welcome to it, mate.
Conker: Yeah, thanks.
*Dung Beetle flies off* (If you use/lose the poo ball, another one will
come down metal tubes, through the cabin, and plop out on the ground)
*roll poo up the hill, it gets bigger*
*Giant Dung Beetle is sleeping, but wakes up, as Conker rolls the poo
up above his head*
Conker's Thoughts: Just add one stick of TNT...
*Conker plops the TNT into the poo ball and pushes it off. GDB looks
up as poo ball rolls into his mouth. The TNT explodes along with the
GDB*
Conker's Thoughts: That's blown it!
*After dung beetle is gone, get new poo ball and roll up to the top*
*Don’t push into the opening yet, money is on top of the hill. Super
jump and tail glide to get on top*
*Conker's eyes turn into dollar signs and spins around as he lets out a
big
grin*
Money: Hey, where the **** you been? Ya ginger bastard!
*Conker pockets the money*
Conker: Cool. Laughing all the way to the bank.
*now push the poo ball into the giant Poo Mountain. It rolls down
and breaks through the blocking at the bottom*
*Mine dude is marching at the bottom of the lake place. Conker pushes
poo
ball off. Mine dude looks up as it lands on him. He keeps marching*
*After hitting the plunger*
*Cork at the bottom of lake pops open, creating a whirlpool and sucking
all the fish down. The two mine dudes try to swim away, but they are
both
sucked down ending with a burp sound*
Bat’s Tower (sec3g)
*Conker walks into area through water*
Mrs. Catfish: Yoohoo! Squirrel person. Are you begging for food,
meow?
Conker: What?
Mrs. Catfish: Well, you look like you could do with a little extra, my
boy, and we thought you might actually be interested in earning some
cash. Meow
