Battletoads has quite a bit of toadally radical, very 90s dialogue
between levels. The professor tells you what to do, the Dark Queen
insults you. When you fail, the professor also gives you some tough
love in his gruff, harsh coaching style. Unfortunately, the text goes
by too quickly for most people to read it, so all of this witty banter
seldom gets noticed.
Except for the intro and game over, every piece of dialogue is
randomly chosen from one of four choices. The intro only has one
choice, and there are eight ways the chicken can insult you when
you continue. All choices of dialogue for each part are shown below.
Ripping the script from the game was possible thanks to rainwarrior's
Python code for decompressing the Huffman encoding that Battletoads
uses.
http://forums.nesdev.com/viewtopic.php?t=8609
Thanks rainwarrior!
And now here's the full game script.
============= Intro =============
B A T T L E T O A D S
starring...
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- THE STORY SO FAR -
ONE DAY PIMPLE AND PRINCESS
ANGELICA WERE OUT CRUISIN'
WHEN SUDDENLY
PIMPLE AND THE PRINCESS
WERE CAPTURED BY THE
DARK QUEEN AND TAKEN TO
A NEARBY PLANET.
MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE
SPACESHIP VULTURE -
THE BATTLETOADS BASE....
[[Professor T. Bird]]
HEY 'TOADS !
THE DARK QUEEN'S KIDNAPPED
PIMPLE AND ANGELICA
AND SHE'S HOLDING THEM
IN THE GARGANTUA.
GO GET 'EM 'TOADS!
[[The 'Toads]]
YEAH! LET'S GET 'EM BACK !
I GOTTA CRAVING FOR
ACTION! TAKE US TO THE
RUMBLE, COACH!
[[Dark Queen]]]
NOT SO FAST BATTLEJERKS!
BEFORE YOU EVEN REACH ME
YOU'LL HAVE TO BEAT
ROBO-MANUS AND BIG BLAG.
STILL FANCY YOUR CHANCES
COME TO ME NOW, IF YOU
DARE! HA - HA - HA - HA!
===== Level 1 - Ragnarok's Canyon ======
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
I'VE LOCATED THE
GARGANTUA, 'TOADS! SHE'S
HIDDEN BENEATH THE
PLANET'S SURFACE !
(2)
GET READY 'TOADS! DOWN TO
THE SURFACE ON THE
TURBO-CABLES!
(3)
WORK YOUR WAY ALONG THE
SURFACE,'TOADS - AND
HURRY ! PIMPLE N' ANGELICA
ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE!
(4)
KEEP IT MOVIN' ALONG THE
SURFACE, 'TOADS! AND WATCH
OUT FOR THE PSYKO-PIGS !
===== Level 2 - Wookie Hole ============
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
ARRRRGH! YOU'VE MADE
PORKMEAT OUT OF MY
PSYKO-PIGS!
(2)
SO,HOOKBILL,YOUR FROGS DID
WELL! BUT LET US SEE HOW
THEY DO AGAINST MY BIRDS
OF PREY - PRAY THE BIRDS
DON'T GET THEM!
HA-HA-HA-HA...!
(3)
THEY'LL NEVER MAKE
IT AGAINST MY SATURN
TOADTRAPS,YOU
FEATHERED FREAK!
(4)
DOWN INTO THE DARK,
BATTLEJERKS - AND SEE HOW
YOU FARE AGAINST THE
RETRO-BLASTERS!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
LET'S GET MAD, BAD AND
CRAZY, 'TOADS! USE THE
TURBO-CABLES TO
TACKLE THAT CHASM!
(2)
SENSORS INDICATE THAT THE
CHASM DESCENDS FOR ABOUT A
MILE - WATCH OUT FOR
BOOBYTRAPS !
(3)
WATCH OUT, 'TOADS! THERE'S
BOUND TO BE A WHOLE
TOAD-LOAD OF TROUBLE
DOWN IN THAT CRATER!
(4)
IT'S A VERTICAL DROP FOR
ABOUT A MILE - AND THERE
ARE THINGS MOVIN' DOWN
THERE,SO YOU BETTER TAKE
CARE, 'TOADS....
===== Level 3 - Turbo Tunnel ===========
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET
FASTER IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT,POND PATROL!
(2)
GIVE UP NOW BEFORE THE
MUTANT RATPACK GETS YOU,
WART-HEADS!
(3)
SO,YOU MANAGED TO AVOID MY
TRAPS, EH! WELL,IT TAKES A
BOOBY TO BEAT A BOOBY,
I ALWAYS SAY!
(4)
DON'T GET TOO COCKY,
SNOTSKINS - THERE'S PLENTY
MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
BETTER STEP ON IT,
'TOADS - THE RATPACK'S HOT
ON YOUR HEELS!
(2)
SENSORS INDICATE SPEED
BIKES DEAD AHEAD! GO GET
'EM, 'TOADS!
(3)
IT'S THE NEED-TO-SPEED
FROM NOW ON,'TOADS!
(4)
YOU GOTTA BE LIKE GREEN
LIGHTNIN' IF YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT THROUGH
HERE,'TOADS!
===== Level 4 - Arctic Caverns =========
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
SO, THE RAT ROCKETS DIDN'T
GET YOU,HUH WELL, THE
ICE SPIKES CERTAINLY WILL!
(2)
YOU ANNOYING FROGS! I'LL
HAVE YOU CHOPPED INTO A
GOURMET LUNCH AND THE
PIECES DEEP-FROZEN
FOR ETERNITY!
(3)
YOU PLAY LEAPFROG WELL
WITH THOSE SPEED BIKES, MY
GREEN FRIENDS, BUT
UNFORTUNATELY, YOU CAN'T
TAKE THEM WITH YOU!
(4)
CURSE YOUR WARTY HIDES!
I'LL BRING DOWN ICE AND
FIRE UPON YOUR UGLY HEADS!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
I'M GETTING SUB-ZERO
READINGS NEARBY! SO HANG
LOOSE, 'TOADS - ANYTHING
COULD HAPPEN IN THERE!
(2)
YOU'RE GONNA BE
SLIP-SLIDIN'AWAY,'TOADS,IF
YOU DON'T WATCH YOUR STEP!
(3)
LET'S BREAK THE ICE,
'TOADS! IT'S PARTY TIME!
(4)
BRRR! IT'S COLD ENOUGH
DOWN THERE TO FREEZE THE
YARBLES OFF A
ZALLADIAN BEHOMETH !
===== Level 5 - Surf City ==============
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
OH,YOU'RE GONNA BE SURFIN'
- SURFIN' D.O.A.! THAT'S
DEAD ON ARRIVAL,
POND PATROL!
(2)
WATCH OUT FOR THE
BREAKERS,BATTLEBARF!
BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO
BREAK YOU INTO
LITTLE GREEN PIECES!
(3)
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,
DON'T YOU? - OUT OF THE
FRYING PAN AND
INTO THE SURF!
(4)
WHEN I SAY THERE'S GOING
TO BE A WIPE-OUT DOWN
THERE,YOU CAN BET ON IT,
PRATTLETOADS!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT,'TOADS!
THE DARK QUEEN WILL BE
FOAMIN' AT THE MOUTH WHEN
YOU RIDE THROUGH
THIS LITTLE NUMBER !
(2)
SURF'S UP, 'TOADS! LET'S
KICK THOSE SPACEBOARDS
INTO ACTION!
(3)
HANG TEN,'TOADS! SURF CITY
HERE WE COME !
(4)
DON'T WORRY 'BOUT IT
'TOADS,'CUZ THE DARK QUEEN
DON'T SURF !
===== Level 6 - Karnath's Lair =========
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
GIVE UP, TOADIES! YOU'LL
NEVER MAKE IT PAST THE
GIANT SNAKES!
(2)
IS IT TRUE THAT THE TOAD'S
GREATEST ENEMY IS THE
SNAKE WELL, WE'LL SOON
FIND OUT! HA-HA-HA-HA....!
(2)
TAKE IT FROM ME,
SWAMPBREATH,YOU WON'T BE
GOING ANY FURTHER!
(4)
WHAT! YOU'VE MADE IT
THROUGH! I'LL MAKE YOU
PAY FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
YEE-HA ! RIDE THEM
SNAKES,TOADBOYS!
(2)
WATCH OUT, 'TOADS! SENSORS
INDICATE SOMETHIN' LONG
AND SLIPPERY SLITHERIN'
TOWARD YOU !
(3)
SLITHER UP OUTTA THERE,
'TOADS ! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO SCALE THE CAVERN TO
FIND THE EXIT!
(4)
TIME TO GRAB A PIECE OF
TAIL, 'TOADS - AND
HANG ON TIGHT!
===== Level 7 - Volkmire's Inferno =====
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
SO,YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT,
HUH,'TOADS! WELL,IT LOOKS
LIKE IT'S GOING TO GET
HOTTER DOWN THERE -
MUCH HOTTER!
(2)
YOU'RE GOOD, I'LL GIVE YOU
THAT -GOOD ENOUGH TO BURN!
(3)
BURN,TOADIES,BURN!
(4)
C'MON,TOADIES,
LIGHT MY FIRE!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
THINGS ARE REALLY HEATIN'
UP DOWN THERE, 'TOADS!
(2)
BETTER JET YOUR WAY
OUTTA THIS ONE,'TOADS!
(3)
LOOKS LIKE THE DARK
QUEEN'S GOT A WARM
RECEPTION PLANNED FOR
THE BATTLETOADS!
(4)
WOW, 'TOADS! YOU'LL BE
REALLY HOT AND BOTHERED BY
THIS LITTLE SIZZLER!
===== Level 8 - Intruder Excluder ======
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
YOU MAY THINK THE HEAT'S
OFF,SLIMEBACKS.WELL,
THINK AGAIN BECAUSE
THERE'S PLENTY MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM !
(2)
THE GARGANTUA WON'T BE A
PUSHOVER,WARTBODIES,IT'S
FAR TOO BIG FOR THAT!
(3)
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE
GOTTEN THIS FAR! PREPARE
YOURSELVES FOR A STICKY
GREEN END, TOADIES!
(4)
THE HIGHER YOU CLIMB,SWAMP
SCUM,THE FURTHER
YOU'LL FALL!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
WHEN THE GOIN' GETS TOUGH,
THE 'TOADS GET GOIN' !
UP AND AT 'EM, GUYS!
(2)
SENSORS INDICATE YOU'VE
ACCESSED A DUCT IN
THE GARGANTUA!
BE CAREFUL,'TOADS!
(3)
YOU 'TOADS ARE
DEFINITELY MOVIN'
UP IN THE WORLD!
(4)
THE ONLY WAY IS UP,TOADS -
SO LET'S GO FOR IT !
===== Level 9 - Terra Tubes ============
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
DON'T GET TOO CONFIDENT,
WARTYBOTTOMS,BECAUSE I CAN
ASSURE YOU THAT YOU WON'T
BE GOING ANY FURTHER!
(2)
WELL,WELL,WELL - FANCY
SEEING YOU HERE! WHAT AN
UNPLEASANT SURPRISE!
(3)
YOU 'TOADS ARE DEFINITELY
ASKING FOR IT, AND SINCE I
DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT
YOU, HERE IT COMES -
YOUR TIMELY DEMISE !
(4)
NOW,THAT MAKES ME MAD. AND
WHEN I GET MAD,I GET
NASTY.AND WHEN I GET
NASTY,I USUALLY END UP
MAIMING SOMETHING-
LIKE YOU, F'RINSTANCE!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
GO THROUGH THE STEEL
SPAGHETTI,'TOADS - AND
WATCH OUT FOR BOOBYTRAPS !
(2)
I'M GETTIN' A WHOLE LOAD
OF WEIRD READINGS ON
THE SENSORS, SO,
TAKE CARE, 'TOADS!
(3)
IT'S A MAZE IN THERE
'TOADS! SO,KEEP A COOL
HEAD AND YOU'LL BE OKAY!
(4)
WE'RE MAKIN' GOOD
HEADWAY HERE,'TOADS-
DON'T LET UP NOW!
===== Level 10 - Rat Race ==============
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
YOUR ARROGANCE WOULD ANNOY
ME,BATTLEBARF,IF IT WASN'T
FOR THE FACT THAT YOU'RE
GOING TO BE BOMBING
OUT VERY SOON!
(2)
YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR
IMPERTINENCE,SLIMEHEADS -
WITH YOUR LIVES!
(3)
REST ASSURED,WARTFEATURES,
THE NEXT LEVEL'S GOING TO
GO LIKE A BOMB!
HA-HA-HA-HA...!
(4)
OKAY - C'MON AND MAKE MY
DAY,TOADIES!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
THE BOMB'S AT THE BOTTOM,
SO, GET READY,'TOADS -
AND COME ON DOWN !
(2)
GET READY, 'TOADS! YOU
GOTTA RACE THE RODENT AND
DEFUSE THE BOMB!
(3)
HEY,'TOADS! YOU HAVE THREE
BOMBS TO DEFUSE BEFORE THE
RATPACK BLOWS US ALL
TO TOAD-HEAVEN !
(4)
PUT ON YOUR RUNNING SHOES,
'TOADS,AND RACE THE RAT TO
THE BOMB AT THE BOTTOM !
===== Level 11 - Clinger Winger ========
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
CURSE YOUR GREEN HIDES!
YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN!
(2)
OH,NO! THE BOMBS ARE ALL
DEFUSED AND THE WARTHEADS
ARE STILL ALIVE!
(3)
UP AND DOWN AND ROUND THEY
GO,BUT WHERE THEY'LL FRY
ONLY I CAN KNOW!
(4)
PRETTY SPUNKY,'TOADS -
BUT IT ISN'T OVER YET!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
IT'S TIME TO TRAVEL ON THE
CLINGER-WINGER,'TOADS!
(2)
GET A GRIP,GUYS!
LET'S MOTIVATE !
(3)
HOLD ON TIGHT AN' GET
READY FOR A FIGHT - THE
BATTLETOADS ARE OUTASIGHT!
(4)
THERE'S A CRAZY
ROLLER-COASTER
COMIN' UP,'TOADS! SO, KEEP
A COOL GREEN HEAD!
===== Level 12 - The Revolution ==========
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION,
BATTLEJERKS! THIS IS WHERE
YOU LOSE YOUR HEADS!
(2)
NOOOOO! I CANNOT BELIEVE
YOU SWAMP SCUM HAVE MADE
IT THIS FAR! I CAN SEE
I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO GET NASTY!
(3)
COME TO THE TOWER,BOYS,AND
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!
(4)
TOP OF THE WORLD, TOADIES!
COME AND GET ME IF
YOU DARE!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
THINGS ARE LOOKIN' UP FROM
HERE ON, 'TOADS! - AND
I DO MEAN UP !
(2)
LET'S MAKE LIKE THE GREEN
MACHINE,GUYS,AND MOTOR
ON UP TO THE TOP
OF THE TOWER !
(3)
HOLY HIP-HOP,'TOADS! THE
DARK QUEEN'S AT THE TOP OF
THE TOWER JUST WAITING
TO BE CREAMED!
(4)
WELL,IT'S ONE SMALL STEP
FOR A 'TOAD,ONE GIANT LEAP
FOR TOADKIND !
GO TO IT,GUYS!
============= Continue =================
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
WHAT THE FROG'S GOIN' ON,
'TOADS ! GET BACK THERE
AND FRY THE PORK !
(2)
WHAD'YA' MEAN,'BAD SCENE'
I'LL GIVE YA' BAD SCENE
IF YOU DON'T GET BACK HERE
WITH PIMPLE AND ANGELICA !
(3)
PHEW ! THAT WAS PAINFUL TO
WATCH! OKAY, PRACTICE IS
OVER,GUYS,LET'S GO FOR
IT THIS TIME !
(4)
YES! THE DARK QUEEN JUST
PHONED TO SAY SHE SENT YOU
HOME,BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY
WEREN'T FEELING TOO GOOD !
(5)
OKAY,'TOADS - YOU TAKE
A REST AND I'LL CALL
IN THE BATTLEHAMSTERS!
(6)
GOT TOO TOUGH FOR YOU,HUH
A FEW PIGS, A FEW MONSTERS
AND YOU GUYS
CRASH AND BURN !
(7)
I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A
DISMAL FAILURE SINCE
LAST TIME YOU FAILED!
(8)
WHAD'YA MEAN, THINGS GOT
TOO HOT FOR YOU DOWN
THERE! GET BACK HERE, AND
I'LL WARM YOUR MILK FOR
YOU, CRY-BABIES!
============ Game Over =================
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
OH,DEAR, HOW UNUTTERABLY
SAD.YOU LOSE AND I WIN.YOU
'TOADS COULDN'T FIGHT YOUR
WAY OUT OF A PAPER BAG !
(2)
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA...! CARE TO
TRY YOUR LUCK AGAIN -
'CUZ IT'S ONLY LUCK THAT
GOT YOU THIS FAR,
SWAMPBREATH!
(3)
HA! JUST AS I PREDICTED.
A COMPLETE AND UTTER
VICTORY FOR THE HOME SIDE,
AND A HOPELESS FAILURE FOR
THE BEAK AND HIS
QUAGGY CROAKERS!
THIS DOMAIN BELONGS TO ME!
HA-HA-HA-HA....!
(4)
WAS THAT REALLY THE BEST
YOU CAN DO! MMMM! I WONDER
WHAT ROAST VULTURE AND
FROGS' LEGS TASTE LIKE!
MMM!...CHOMP!...CRUNCH !
CHEW! THEY...MMMM...
TASTE...MM-MMH-GOOD...
============ Ending ====================
[[Dark Queen]]
(1)
WHAT ! I LOST! THIS CAN'T
BE! I'M THE DARK QUEEN !
WRONG IS BETTER THAN
RIGHT,DARK IS STRONGER
THAN LIGHT! GRRRR!
I HATE YOU, BATTLETOADS!
I'M OUTTA HERE !
(2)
I GUESS YOU SLIPPERY
SUCKERS THINK YOU'RE
PRETTY HOT STUFF, HUH
WELL,YOU DON'T CHEAT THE
DARK LADY THAT EASILY!
TILL NEXT TIME,
CATTLE LOADS!
(3)
ROBO-MANUS, BLAGGIE!
SPEAK TO YOUR QUEEN ! HAVE
THOSE VILE SLUSH-HOPPERS
CRUSHED YOUR CRANIUMS...
WELL, DON'T WORRY-
I'LL RESTORE YOU BOTH.
YOU SNOT GOBBLERS WILL
PAY FOR THIS !
(4)
NO! THIS CAN'T BE TRUE! MY
ENTIRE DEFENSE SYSTEM,
BEATEN BY A COUPLE
OF MUCUS-LOBBING
SLIME-JACKETS! BETTER
DISAPPEAR, REAL QUICK,
BEFORE SOMETHING REALLY
NASTY HAPPENS!
ADIOS,FOUNTAIN FREAKS!
[[Professor T. Bird]]
(1)
WAYDIGO, 'TOADS! THE BIG
GUY'S BACK AND THE
PRINCESS IS SAVED!
(2)
WHOO! ALRIGHT GUYS !
THERE'S NOTHIN' LIKE THE
SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS
TO CLEAR OUT THOSE
CLOGGED SINUSES!
(3)
WOW! YOU GUYS OUGHTA
BOTTLE THAT SKILL AND
CHARISMA - YOU'D
MAKE A FORTUNE !
(4)
OKAY,LET'S BREAK OUT THE
SODAS AND JUNK-FOOD - IT'S
PARTY TIME !
