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#Post#: 12228--------------------------------------------------
Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: Willie T Date: March 8, 2020, 10:05 am
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I am "judging" that I will meet with quite a bit of "Judgment"
for posting this, since it is not "faith-based" and does not
contain any religious-sounding words. But, I think it deserves
reading... in spite of those "failings." I wonder how many of
us can see both forum behavior...AND, Jesus in these few words?
This comes from a workbook I am assessing for a friend:
Another very important part of wise mind, and mindfulness in
general, is a skill called radical acceptance (Linehan, 1993a).
(You already explored radical acceptance in chapter 2, Advanced
Distress Tolerance Skills, but the following description will
help you understand how it relates to mindfulness skills.)
Radical acceptance means tolerating something without judging it
or trying to change it. Remember the definition of mindfulness
that we gave you in the last chapter? Mindfulness is the
ability to be aware of your thoughts, emotions, physical
sensations, and actions � in the present moment � without
judging or criticizing yourself or your experience. Radical
acceptance is a very important piece of being mindful because if
you�re judging yourself, your experience, or someone else in the
present moment, then you�re not really paying attention to
what�s happening in that moment. In many ways, judgment is the
royal road to suffering, because when you judge others you get
angry and when you judge yourself you get depressed. So in
order to be truly mindful in the present moment, and in order to
be fully centered in wise mind, you must practice being
nonjudgmental.
Radical acceptance might sound like a difficult skill to master,
but it�s definitely worth the effort. Consider this example.
Thomas struggled with a problem that�s very common for people
with overwhelming emotions. He divided everyone and everything
into two categories: they were either all good or all bad.
There was no in-between for him. When people treated him
nicely, they were good, but when someone disagreed with him, he
considered them to be bad, even if the person had just been on
his good side a few minutes before. This quick fluctuation
between good and bad led Thomas to make a lot of judgments and
critical remarks about himself and others. Over the years, the
accumulation of fluctuations and judgments made Thomas very
sensitive to situations that could go wrong. He always expected
that other people would make mistakes, insult him, or betray him
in some way. One time his sister said that she couldn�t help
him take his car to the repair shop, and Thomas blew up at her.
He criticized her for being ungrateful and selfish. However,
the truth was that she had to take her own daughter to the
doctor, but Thomas never heard her reasoning. He was too
wrapped-up in his own judgmental thinking to really listen to
anyone else. In truth, Thomas had created a pattern in his life
where all of his judgments and critical thinking became
realities, and this led to a very lonely and distressing life.
When Thomas was finally introduced to the skill of radical
acceptance, he was critical of it too. �This is ridiculous,� he
thought, �This stupid idea isn�t going to help me. I don�t need
this. How can anyone not be critical?� But with the urging of
his family, Thomas decided to try using radical acceptance. At
first, it was very difficult for him to not make judgments about
himself and other people, but he continued using the exercises
in this workbook, and, with practice, radical acceptance became
easier. Slowly his thinking began to change. Thomas spent less
time obsessing over judgmental thoughts and critical remarks,
and he spent less time anticipating that other people would
insult or betray him. He also no longer thought of people as
either just good or bad. He began to recognize that everyone
makes mistakes, and that�s okay. He also became more mindful of
his thoughts, feelings, sensations, and actions in the present
moment, which helped him focus better on his daily experiences
and make healthier choices for his life.
As you can see from this example, one of the hardest parts of
using radical acceptance is recognizing when you�re being
judgmental of yourself or others. This takes practice, and the
skills in the workbook will help. But recognizing when you�re
being judgmental also takes time. You�re going to make
mistakes. When you�re first learning to be nonjudgmental, there
will be times when you will be judgmental. Then you�ll
recognize what you�re doing, and you�ll be further critical of
yourself for being judgmental. But that�s okay too. That�s
part of the learning process. Learning how to use radical
acceptance is a lot like the story of a man who�s walking down a
city street and falls through an open manhole to the sewer. He
climbs out, looks in the hole, and says, �I better not do that
again.� But the next day, walking down the same street, he
steps into the same open manhole, climbs out, and says, �I can�t
believe I did it again.� Then on the third day, he�s about to
step into the same open manhole when he suddenly remembers what
happened on the two previous days, so he avoids the fall. On
the fourth day, the man remembers to walk around the open
manhole as soon as he starts walking down that street. And on
the fifth day, he chooses to walk down a different street in
order to avoid the problem completely. Obviously, learning how
to use radical acceptance will take you longer than five days,
but the process of falling into the same judgmental traps will
happen in a very similar way.
#Post#: 12231--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: Willie T Date: March 8, 2020, 12:08 pm
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I don't think anyone can deny this forum is fast becoming less
than Helen had hoped for in getting it reopened.
Hopefully, the longer we are on forums, we will learn how to ask
others for what we need in a healthy way. But for now, let�s
look at how to be more mindful of the messages we send to other
people.
Consider the following statements:
�
�
�
�
What do all of these statements have in common? It�s true that
they all express some kind of emotion, such as anger, distress,
and sadness. But more importantly, they�re all judgments of the
other person. Each of the statements blames the other person
for the way the speaker feels. Now consider how you would feel
if someone said one of these statements to you. What would you
do? Maybe you would say something just as angry back to the
person, which would lead to a big fight. The result would be
that nothing gets resolved. Or maybe you would just shut down
emotionally, stop listening, or walk away. Again, nothing would
get resolved. Judgmental statements like these stop any form of
effective communication. So what can we do instead?
One of the solutions is to turn �you� statements into mindful
�I� statements.
�
of how you feel.
�
you feel.
�
nonjudgmental way.
�
from the other person, which allows the person to meet your
needs.
Let�s look at the four previous examples and turn them from
�you� statements into mindful �I� statements.
Instead of saying �You make me mad,� say �Right now, I feel very
mad.� Doesn�t that sound less judgmental and blaming? If
someone said the alternative statement to you (�I feel very
mad�), wouldn�t you be more willing to discuss the situation?
Wouldn�t you feel less angry?
Look at the second sentence. Instead of saying �You�re such a
jerk, I could scream,� say �I feel so angry right now I could
scream.� Do you hear the difference it makes to change a �you�
statement into an �I� statement? The other person no longer
feels blamed and will be more willing to listen.
Let�s look at the third sentence. Instead of saying �Sometimes
you make me so upset I just want to end it all,� say �I feel so
upset and hopeless sometimes that I get very depressed.�
And finally, look at the last sentence. Instead of saying �I
know that you did that to me on purpose just to hurt me,� say �I
felt very hurt when you did that.�
Again, mindful �I� statements are more accurate about how you
feel, they are less judgmental, the other person will probably
be more willing and able to listen to you if you use them, and
most importantly, you are more likely to get your needs met if
you use them.
#Post#: 12232--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: guest36 Date: March 8, 2020, 1:09 pm
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[quote author=Willie T link=topic=794.msg12231#msg12231
date=1583687320]
I don't think anyone can deny this forum is fast becoming less
than Helen had hoped for in getting it reopened.
Hopefully, the longer we are on forums, we will learn how to ask
others for what we need in a healthy way. But for now, let�s
look at how to be more mindful of the messages we send to other
people.
Consider the following statements:
� �You make me mad.�
� �You�re such a jerk, I could scream.�
� �Sometimes you make me so upset I just want to end it all.�
� �I know that you did that to me on purpose just to hurt me.�
What do all of these statements have in common? It�s true that
they all express some kind of emotion, such as anger, distress,
and sadness. But more importantly, they�re all judgments of the
other person. Each of the statements blames the other person
for the way the speaker feels. Now consider how you would feel
if someone said one of these statements to you. What would you
do? Maybe you would say something just as angry back to the
person, which would lead to a big fight. The result would be
that nothing gets resolved. Or maybe you would just shut down
emotionally, stop listening, or walk away. Again, nothing would
get resolved. Judgmental statements like these stop any form of
effective communication.
[/quote]
I'm glad it wasn't me that said that.
Were the four 'you' instances factual or just representative?
"Unless the Lord builds the house" comes to mind.
And conversely if the labours prove to have "been in vain" then
clearly the building of the house (imaging and rewording by me
and membership Harvesting by Helen) was not led "by the Lord".
#Post#: 12233--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: Willie T Date: March 8, 2020, 1:15 pm
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How long have you been on forums?...� and you say you have never
seen those very same sentiments posted... time and time again?
#Post#: 12234--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: guest36 Date: March 8, 2020, 1:30 pm
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[quote author=Willie T link=topic=794.msg12233#msg12233
date=1583691310]
How long have you been on forums?...� and you say you have never
seen those very same sentiments posted... time and time again?
[/quote]
Are you sure that's what I said?
#Post#: 12235--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: Willie T Date: March 8, 2020, 1:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Mike Waters link=topic=794.msg12234#msg12234
date=1583692227]
Are sure that's what I said?
[/quote]I'm hardly ever sure of anything you say, it is usually
written so cryptically. That is why the single sentence I wrote
in reply had two (2) question marks punctuating it.
#Post#: 12237--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: Rita Date: March 8, 2020, 1:58 pm
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Hi Willie
I have been on Christian forums for about 20 years, never felt
inclined to go secular ones. I have never had anyone actually
say they are annoyed with me, and I am not sure I have said it
directly, but perhaps in subtle ways it comes across in the
responses.
I can�t say that I have ever considered statements like the ones
you mentioned, as being judgemental - but of course they are -
so that�s quite interesting to consider.
Don�t you think that lack of proper communication is one of the
biggest problems in our society, well as well as all the �
offence � issues !!
By the way , why would you think that you would be judged for
posting this thread- we might all be Christians, but it�s a sad
place if we cannot discuss other things xx
Rita
#Post#: 12238--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: Willie T Date: March 8, 2020, 2:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Rita link=topic=794.msg12237#msg12237
date=1583693918]
Hi Willie
I have been on Christian forums for about 20 years, never felt
inclined to go secular ones. I have never had anyone actually
say they are annoyed with me, and I am not sure I have said it
directly, but perhaps in subtle ways it comes across in the
responses.
I can’t say that I have ever considered statements like the
ones you mentioned, as being judgemental - but of course they
are - so that’s quite interesting to consider.
Don’t you think that lack of proper communication is one of
the biggest problems in our society, well as well as all the
‘ offence ‘ issues !!
By the way , why would you think that you would be judged for
posting this thread- we might all be Christians, but it’s a
sad place if we cannot discuss other things xx
Rita
[/quote]Well, I am glad that you have not been banned by people
with those kinds of thoughts. Several of us have been.
#Post#: 12240--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: mjrhealth Date: March 8, 2020, 2:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Christ came and spoke as things are, the religious got offended
and felt they where being judged, do water down the truth just
do some will not be offended, if one feels they are being
judged, maybe they dhoukd ask thrmselves, why,
#Post#: 12247--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with our Judgmentalism
By: Helen Date: March 8, 2020, 3:56 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Willie said :- < When you&#8217;re first learning to be
nonjudgmental, there will be times when you will be judgmental.
Then you&#8217;ll recognize what you&#8217;re doing, and
you&#8217;ll be further critical of yourself for being
judgmental. But that&#8217;s okay too. That&#8217;s part of
the learning process. Learning how to use radical acceptance is
a lot like the story of a man who&#8217;s walking down a city
street and falls through an open manhole to the sewer. He
climbs out, looks in the hole, and says, &#8220;I better not do
that again.&#8221; But the next day, walking down the same
street, he steps into the same open manhole, climbs out, and
says, &#8220;I can&#8217;t believe I did it again.&#8221; Then
on the third day, he&#8217;s about to step into the same open
manhole when he suddenly remembers what happened on the two
previous days, so he avoids the fall. On the fourth day, the
man remembers to walk around the open manhole as soon as he
starts walking down that street. And on the fifth day, he
chooses to walk down a different street in order to avoid the
problem completely. Obviously, learning how to use radical
acceptance will take you longer than five days, but the process
of falling into the same judgmental traps will happen in a very
similar way. >
==============
Good and interesting thread. [emoji4]
I have been accused many time by some , over at 'you know
where', for being far too accepting and wishy washy about what
others believed. ("WHICH IS WRONG because the bible is very
clear"[emoji15] ::) )
Maybe I have swung too far that way now. ( and maybe your book
covers that) I have asked myself - "why do I not feel worried
about what someone else believes, ( about something I do not
believe) do I not care about their soul!?
When to speak and when to hold ones peace.
Take S*** on CB , he believes strongly that abortion is just
fine...he says the fetus is nothing more than just a lump of
dirt. Not a soul and not alive until birthed. On that occasion
I could not just be tolerant and accepting with out quite a few
posts stating just the opposite and all the bible verses about
"knowing you in the womb"..and " the babe ( John the baptist)
leaping at the voice of Mary when he was still in Elizabeths
womb".
Is there a balance here?
I can leave someone totally free to believe what they like-
once I have told then what I believe.
On forums I think much is in how we say a thing.
I have never, never liked some peoples habit of responding
with -
ERROR, or "You are wrong". ( I cringe)
I find that very distasteful, arrogant and prideful .
I much prefer , " Well the way I see it is..."
If only we cultervated the habit of giving 'our' views on a
thing, and not condemning the other person.
I'm sure on most forums we will always get those who feel that
they must correct another persons thinking.
It is probably deep seated in all of us! ;D
Because , after all, we wouldn't believe what we believe unless
we believed that we are RIGHT!! LOL
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