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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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Return to: Entertaining and Hospitality
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#Post#: 82031--------------------------------------------------
Seating couples at dinner
By: Aleko Date: July 30, 2025, 2:45 am
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I still occasionally look at the Miss Manners column out of
habit, although it�s nowhere near as good or as witty as it was
before Judith Martin handed it over to her much-less-talented
children. And I'm sure that a large proportion of the queries
are fabricated, either by readers or the columnists. But one of
yesterday�s questions, or rather the readers� responses to it in
UExpress.com, interested me:
https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2025/07/29.
In my (British) childhood, dinner parties were a major part of
middle-class socialising; my parents (who, for context, weren�t
stuffy or old-fashioned in the least: they were quite bohemian,
as were a great many of their friends) held one almost every
week. The format was simple: a couple invited four guests (could
be six if you had a big enough dinner table, but - British
houses being a lot smaller than American ones - four was the
norm) who might or might not already know each other, for drinks
followed by a three course meal. And at the meal, couples were
always separated: the point being that you wanted your guests to
meet and talk to each other, not sit talking to their spouses,
which they could do any evening in their own home. Everybody in
my parents� circle took this for granted. I also note from my
ancient copy of Miss Manners� Guide to Excruciatingly Correct
Behavior that back in the early 1980s Americans who gave/were
invited to dinner parties did too.
Yesterday�s letter-writer, who splutters that he has a duty to
�protect� his wife at dinner parties, is clearly a nutjob (if he
even exists at all). But I was startled to read response after
response stating that while LW was clearly crazy, they too found
the concept of seating people not next to their spouses �scary�,
�would be torture� �brings me out in hives just thinking about
it�.
So I�m just curious. Did any other Brimstoners grow up with this
convention? If yes, do you still follow it? Or ever encounter it
when invited out?
And if no, would you be unhappy if you found yourself separated
from your other half at an assigned-seating dinner?
(Please do give a clue to where you live/grew up, if that isn�t
visible in your profile.)
#Post#: 82032--------------------------------------------------
Re: Seating couples at dinner
By: lowspark Date: July 30, 2025, 8:22 am
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I don't give a LOT of dinner parties, but when I do, I make
place cards and mix up the couples.
For exactly the reasons you stated above.
I don't attend a LOT of dinner parties either. But my experience
with those is that there is no assigned seating and couples,
left to their own devices, will always sit next to each other.
I live in Houston. :)
#Post#: 82033--------------------------------------------------
Re: Seating couples at dinner
By: Rho Date: July 30, 2025, 11:19 pm
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Husband and I don't attend lots of diner parties. At weddings I
would be upset if we were not seated together. Holiday meals we
tend to sit next to each other. Other events--sometimes we sit
together and sometimes yes it is a break to talk to other folks.
My mother was brow beaten to marry in later life to someone who
would have said he needed to protect her by sitting next to her.
In reality he was an abuser who never gave her a moment of
privacy.
#Post#: 82034--------------------------------------------------
Re: Seating couples at dinner
By: Rose Red Date: July 31, 2025, 8:55 am
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As a single person, I may sit next to people I don't know well.
Sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's uncomfortable. I can
understand the preference to sit next to a SO, friend, or
coworker you're familiar with to use as a buffer just in case
any awkwardness happens.
I understand the etiquette of seating couples apart at dinner
parties so they can socialize with people they may not
otherwise, but I think the host has a duty to introduce and get
conversations started. Isn't introduction a big deal in the "old
days?"
#Post#: 82035--------------------------------------------------
Re: Seating couples at dinner
By: lowspark Date: July 31, 2025, 2:23 pm
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I think there's a difference between something like a wedding,
where there are lots of tables and the possibility of being
seated at a table for 10-12 people where you might not know
anyone, versus a dinner party consisting of 6 to 8 people.
In the case of a large table of potential strangers, yeah, I'd
want to be seated next to my spouse, or at least someone I know.
At a dinner party of 6 to 8, there will be moments when the
conversation engages all attendees, and times when smaller,
separate conversations break out. It's those smaller
conversations where it's nice to be seated next to someone other
than your spouse to give you the opportunity to talk to someone
you might not otherwise get to talk to.
Plus, at a dinner party, there is a host who can and usually
does provide conversation starters, introductions, and such.
At a wedding table, with no host at each table, people really
are left on their own for mingling, which can be more difficult
at table full of strangers.
#Post#: 82036--------------------------------------------------
Re: Seating couples at dinner
By: Hmmm Date: July 31, 2025, 3:08 pm
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I've always known the guidance that couples do not sit next to
each other. At most of the dinner parties we attend or host,
that is the norm. We've occasionally hosted guests where a
couple sat next to each other, but it is usually the younger
ones. I do remember my daughter and son in low sitting next to
each other the first few dinners he attended. At our supper
club, we often end up with 2 tables and it used to be the wives
pick a number and it indicates the table they'll be at the the
husband goes to the other one. Now we all just end up naturally
splitting up but sometimes we'll end up at the same table but
never sitting together.
If we are at a larger social event like a wedding or large
party, the couples are more likely to start sitting together but
then will end up moving around the table or even to other
tables.
I had read the letter and laughed because I thought it had to be
a hoax. If the husband is so old fashioned that he needs to
protect his wife by staying constantly by her side at social
events, the first thing he would do is not expose her to such
crass society.
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