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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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Return to: Family and Children
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#Post#: 73379--------------------------------------------------
Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: BeagleMommy Date: January 28, 2022, 12:35 pm
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Let me say first, that I know BeagleDaddy loves me and cares a
lot about how I feel.
I mentioned in another thread that I sometimes get joint pain
from the cancer medication I am taking. Most days I have none,
some days I get a little achy, and some days are awful
(fortunately awful days are not frequent). It seems to be worse
when the weather is very cold.
This week I had three awful days. All I can do is use the
heating pad and a pain reliever to get some relief (found that
good old-fashioned aspirin works wonders). In those three days
BD has suggested the following:
I ask my doctor to change medications - what I am taking is the
best one on the market and I really don't want to switch to
something that might be less effective or have worse side
effects.
Ask for a strong painkiller - I don't get bad days often so I
don't want to be put on more medication than I really need.
Purchase a heated vest after seeing a local TV reporter state
she was wearing on during a snow storm - checked them out. They
only heat on your chest and back. I get pain in my shoulders
and hips so senseless to buy one.
Look for an Eastern medicine alternative to the pills - I have
no problem with those who choose Eastern medicine but I am not
one of those who believe in it. I am not willing to risk the
cancer returning.
What I need him to do is make me tea, get me the TV remote, and
bring me a blanket. That's it.
How do I get him to stop trying to "fix" me and stop consulting
Dr. Google?
#Post#: 73383--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: Jayhawk Date: January 28, 2022, 1:11 pm
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Maybe something along the lines of, "I appreciate that you're
worried about me and want to make me feel better. However, the
best way to do that is to just do as I ask - the simple things,
like the tea the way I like it, my favorite blanket, and the
remote."
#Post#: 73402--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: jpcher Date: January 29, 2022, 10:36 am
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He obviously cares about you. I'd like to put forth the thought
that maybe he feels helpless and suggesting possible ways to
ease your comfort is his way of coping. Please don't get me
wrong, you are the one suffering from this disease, but in such
a close, intimate relationship he is suffering too. Nobody wants
to see their loved one in pain and having to stand by and just
watch you go through this is probably a form of torture for him.
With that being said . . .
IF his suggestions are mild thoughts, simply passing on
information that he found (needing to feel helpful by doing his
due diligence) then I think that, even though it might be hard
on you, you should respond with kindness. "Thank you for the
vest idea. I did look into it and it was a good thought but
unfortunately it doesn't truly suit my needs. Oh, and would you
please make me a nice cup of tea? You make it just the way I
like it, which I very much appreciate."
IF his suggestions tend more toward strongly urging "You MUST
try this! It's a miracle cure! I don't understand why you're not
doing anything that I tell you to do." then you do need to shut
him down. I like Jayhawk's wording.
In the end, both of you are suffering in different ways. You for
actually going through the treatments and pain of the disease.
Him for watching you do so.
Hoping that you and your DH will be able to find a common ground
that will make your relationship stronger.
#Post#: 73409--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: holly firestorm Date: January 29, 2022, 3:17 pm
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BeagleMommy, You have brought tears to my eyes. I can only hope
and pray that you and BeagleDaddy get through this. It's easy to
see that he's feeling helpless and feels it's his job to make
things better. I think just sitting him down and talking it out
is the only thing you can do.
Lot's of love being sent your way!
#Post#: 73417--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: Winterlight Date: January 29, 2022, 10:32 pm
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*hugs to BeagleMommy*
We had a somewhat similar thread back on the Old Board, where a
poster who had migraines was being driven around the bend by her
husband being "helpy." She'd take her meds and lie down, which
was the only thing that helped when they were bad, and he would
pop into the bedroom every five minutes to ask how she was
feeling or if she wanted this or that and it just stressed her
out more, because she couldn't rest with him playing
jack-in-the-box all the time. IRRC, what she ended up doing was
sitting him down when she was not migraining and telling him
that what she needed most when one triggered was peace and
quiet. Making her talk made her feel worse, not better. He could
check on her once an hour, but if she didn't respond when he
opened the door, he would leave quietly since she was hopefully
sleeping it off. What he could do to help was make dinner/do
laundry/whatever needed doing that wasn't vacuuming or something
else loud.
Would something like this work for you? Sitting down with him
when you're not having a bad pain day and telling him what would
help might give him somewhere to direct his energy.
EX- When my mom was doing chemo, dad would drive her there, take
her in, and then go do the grocery shopping plus get something
for dinner. Then he'd go back to pick her up, drive her home,
bring the groceries in, and set up dinner. Mom didn't want
anyone in there with her, and this way she didn't have to slog
through the grocery store or think about cooking when it was
done, and dad didn't sit in the waiting room chewing his nails
down to the elbow and twitching every time the door opened.
#Post#: 73421--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: shadowfox79 Date: January 30, 2022, 2:51 am
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You have my sympathy, because DH used to be like this. I have a
number of chronic conditions which are managed by various meds,
and for some reason DH couldn't stand the thought of my being on
them permanently. He was constantly suggesting other things I
could take, other treatments I could try, or even just stopping
the meds because "you don't KNOW the problem will come back!"
Well, I don't know the sun will come up in the morning either,
but it's a pretty safe bet.
Fortunately the last condition I developed (pulmonary embolism,
which means I'm on blood thinners for the rest of my life) seems
to have calmed him down, as I have no choice but to take those
and it also rules out all those herbal treatments he suggested
since most clash with the thinners. He now simply asks me on the
regular if I'm OK and if I need anything, which suits me fine.
With that in mind, I like Winterlight's strategy. Give him
something practical to do and he'll feel like he's helping.
#Post#: 73435--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: NewHomeowner Date: January 31, 2022, 5:46 am
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[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=2272.msg73409#msg73409
date=1643491044]
BeagleMommy, You have brought tears to my eyes. I can only hope
and pray that you and BeagleDaddy get through this. It's easy to
see that he's feeling helpless and feels it's his job to make
things better. I think just sitting him down and talking it out
is the only thing you can do.
Lot's of love being sent your way!
[/quote]
I agree with all of this. He obviously loves you and it's very
hard to see someone you love in such pain. Reassure him that
you are doing everything that you can, and please not worry so
much. It's just something you have to get through.
I hope you feel better soon.
#Post#: 73441--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: TootsNYC Date: January 31, 2022, 10:50 am
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I vote for a deeper conversation.
In which you calmly and lovingly tell him that these attempts at
help are frustrating.
and where you express sympathy that it's hard for him to see you
suffer, and (as Deborah Tannen has pointed out), he's probably
conditioned to try to fix the situation.
[quote] To many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a
solution. ...
When my mother tells my father she doesn�t feel well, he
invariably offers to take her to the doctor. Invariably, she is
disappointed with his reaction. Like many men, he is focused on
what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy.[/quote]
And not just a challenge, but an obligation! Men often are
conditioned to feel that they have a responsibility to "fix
things" for "their women," especially (wife, sister, mother,
colleague they interact with frequently, daughter, friendly
neighbor...any woman that they feel a connection to).
So there's some societal pressure behind these comments from
him.
I had to give my husband a script.
#Post#: 73448--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: BeagleMommy Date: January 31, 2022, 11:28 am
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Thanks, everyone.
I've had a calm conversation with him and told him I really love
how he takes care of me when I have bad days but the constant
suggestions drive me batty. He's promised to cut down on the
suggestions so we'll see what happens.
Just to clarify: I am no longer going through cancer treatment.
These pills I will take for 5 years (similar to Tamoxifen) to
get me to the "all clear". I think they are a hormone
inhibitor. Most days I have no issues. Once in a while it gets
rough.
#Post#: 73477--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stop Trying to Fix Me
By: Star Wars Fan Date: January 31, 2022, 7:58 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=2272.msg73441#msg73441
date=1643647849]
I vote for a deeper conversation.
In which you calmly and lovingly tell him that these attempts at
help are frustrating.
and where you express sympathy that it's hard for him to see you
suffer, and (as Deborah Tannen has pointed out), he's probably
conditioned to try to fix the situation.
[quote] To many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a
solution. ...
When my mother tells my father she doesn�t feel well, he
invariably offers to take her to the doctor. Invariably, she is
disappointed with his reaction. Like many men, he is focused on
what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy.[/quote]
And not just a challenge, but an obligation! Men often are
conditioned to feel that they have a responsibility to "fix
things" for "their women," especially (wife, sister, mother,
colleague they interact with frequently, daughter, friendly
neighbor...any woman that they feel a connection to).
So there's some societal pressure behind these comments from
him.
I had to give my husband a script.
[/quote]
No. It's just in a man's nature to want to "fix" things for the
people he loves. "Societal pressure's" got absolutely nothing to
do with it. ::)
Ed.
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