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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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Return to: Family and Children
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#Post#: 72088--------------------------------------------------
Force Family Awkwardness
By: Despedina Date: November 29, 2021, 4:01 pm
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A little background on a situation I'd like some feedback on,
and sorry this is long
My husbands family has a family business that was started by his
grandfather. The business was passed to his father and uncle and
a family friend who all bought shares of the business to buy him
out. Uncle retired and FIL bought him out (friend didn't want
more shares I guess). FIL passed away and his shares went to MIL
who also had paid for the shares. Friend left the company and
was paid for his shares. This left MIL and a few employees one
of which is my BIL. BIL was declared manager as MIL doesn't weld
and do metal fabrication and she ran the office. BIL never chose
to buy her out of any shares so he remained manager. The shares
were part of a family trust which if sold would become part of
her retirement. BIL decides about a year and a half ago that he
wants to go in business with someone else and leave the family
business as its just too stressful. The shop really couldn't
keep employees and was a bit antiquated so it was decided it
would close and the property/assets would be sold. Shop closes
May 2021 and BIL goes to work for "other guy".
DH has financial power of attorney if needed. I don't know all
the legalities of it and nothing has had to be enforced or
anything but because of this he takes an interest in making sure
his mom is ok financially. She is of good mind and handles
things herself for the most part, but is also very good hearted
and allows people to occasionally take advantage of her, so he
just keeps an eye out. After May 2021 until Sept 2021 no efforts
were being made to clean out or sell the shop. There were
monthly bills (insurance, taxes, electric, water, internet,
trash) and also an outstanding loan that she was repaying. Since
the shop was no longer making money MIL was paying out of her
existing funds. DH finally insisted in late Sept that things
"get a move on" and we went down and spent the better part of 6
weekends in a row cleaning.
During this BIL freaked out regularly. He didn't want to let go
of things as random as scrap metal that we were trying to throw
in the recycle bin. Some things worth $$, some thousands of
dollars he gave to cousins for nothing, and the items that he
did allow to be sold he would give away for very low prices. The
few items we did sell for a good price he wanted to be in the
middle of but at the same time wouldn't communicate with
potential buyers so I was doing that along with working a full
time job to get it done. All this MIL allowed to be done so we
just pushed through for her sake. At one point after working my
rear off all day with my family, covered in black dust, I asked
what the timeline was to sell off the rest and put the place on
the market. BIL was furious and told me it would take as long as
it took and he was working side jobs in the building and using
it for "other guys" new business shipments to be delivered to.
MIL would give no input and told me I couldn't be asking any
more questions. Frustrated, DH and I backed off. Amazingly a
buyer came forward through simple word of mouth and they now
have a deadline to close on the property. All of this BIL is not
really happy about and blames DH and I for pushing things along.
DH has told BIL that their mom was paying bills upon bills and
it needed to stop. He is mad because he can't work side jobs any
more at that location after mid Dec and is telling all the
family that I in particular bullied him. He still has many
things down in the building on pallets that have to be out in
about 3 weeks so this is sure to come to a head again.
Meantime its the holidays. I was hoping things would have blown
over by Thanksgiving but BIL is sill furious and refuses to
speak to my DH. its very awkward and MIL just says we need act
like things are normal. In the end, we didn't do anything wrong.
No one attacked BIL for not doing anything for months, taking
equipment etc but somehow us pushing things along to get
property sold is way worse. I tried telling MIL that not talking
about it is NOT making anything better and its stressful but she
just keeps saying that BIL will talk about it when he's over it.
We are wanting to have Christmas at our house and although we
are being encouraged to invite BIL, SIL and nephew we are being
told by MIL that he probably won't come. Um ok. I've asked for
explanation several times on what we did wrong exactly but was
told I need to stop asking. How does one deal with something
like this? I can't apologize if I don't fully understand.
#Post#: 72089--------------------------------------------------
Re: Force Family Awkwardness
By: Rose Red Date: November 29, 2021, 4:24 pm
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There's nothing else you can do or apologize for. You and your
DH are trying to save MIL from financial ruin. Your good
intention is made difficult because she's enabling BIL.
They can't say what you did wrong because you did nothing wrong.
They both know it.
#Post#: 72091--------------------------------------------------
Re: Force Family Awkwardness
By: chigger Date: November 29, 2021, 4:27 pm
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I'm so sorry OP, I can't read the wall of text! Is there a way
to add paragraph breaks?
#Post#: 72092--------------------------------------------------
Re: Force Family Awkwardness
By: Despedina Date: November 29, 2021, 4:33 pm
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[quote author=chigger link=topic=2222.msg72091#msg72091
date=1638224871]
I'm so sorry OP, I can't read the wall of text! Is there a way
to add paragraph breaks?
[/quote]
I just did hope this helps.
#Post#: 72095--------------------------------------------------
Re: Force Family Awkwardness
By: lakey Date: November 29, 2021, 5:12 pm
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This is the problem with a family business. It sounds like your
BIL is using a commercial building at his mother's expense
without contributing to the costs of the building. Has your
husband told his brother the exact amount of money that it is
costing their mother per month to keep the building unsold? In
any case, since it is your husband's family and he has power of
attorney, it would probably be better to let him do all the
communication. For MIL's sake you could invite BIL and his
family for Christmas. If he chooses not to come, fine. If he
comes, don't discuss the building at all. Just try to enjoy
Christmas without the drama. If he behaves like a crank, ignore
him. Do like MIL wants and pretend that things are fine for that
one day. If he tries to bait you into an argument, walk away. I
hope you manage to have a nice Christmas in spite of the family
drama and your unreasonable BIL.
#Post#: 72099--------------------------------------------------
Re: Force Family Awkwardness
By: mime Date: November 29, 2021, 11:32 pm
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It sounds like all you did wrong was to bring an end to BIL's
new company "leasing" the space for $0, and potentially using up
salable resources for free, that should benefit your MIL.
He can't articulate what you did wrong because in doing so,
he'll have to face how he's been cheating his mother for the
better part of the year.
I'm sure MIL just wants peace in the family, but has clearly
turned into the enabler.
I agree with others here, that DH should be the primary one to
communicate with his family, and that you can still extend an
invitation to them for the holiday. If they turn you down, it's
on them for causing division (on top of cheating MIL).
#Post#: 72101--------------------------------------------------
Re: Force Family Awkwardness
By: Aleko Date: November 30, 2021, 2:21 am
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I�m with lakey and pjeans. It�s your DH who has the authority
and all the responsibility here: all you have done (or can do,
or should do) is help him with what he knows needs doing when he
asked, give him sympathetic support, and keep your head down.
You certainly aren�t obliged to apologise to anybody for
anything, but nor does �having DH�s back� entail arguing with
BIL. Leave that to DH: so long as he knows you�re solidly behind
him it will make his life easier if the argument is purely
between the two of them with no side-issues of �what your ****
wife said to me�.
As for Christmas: if MIL agrees to spend it at your house, host
it. If she wants you to invite BIL and his family, invite them.
If they refuse to come, as you expect, that�s a pure win - you
and DH will have the moral high ground without the stress of
their company. If they do turn up, at least you�re on your own
turf, and as your guest BIL will be obligated to behave with at
least minimal courtesy. This of course doesn�t mean he
necessarily will: but if he gets obnoxious to DH in your own
house - and at Christmas, in front of their poor old mother! -
he�ll be clearly putting himself even deeper into the wrong.
#Post#: 72103--------------------------------------------------
Re: Force Family Awkwardness
By: oogyda Date: November 30, 2021, 7:18 am
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[quote author=Despedina link=topic=2222.msg72088#msg72088
date=1638223271]
Meantime its the holidays. I was hoping things would have blown
over by Thanksgiving but BIL is sill furious and refuses to
speak to my DH. its very awkward and MIL just says we need act
like things are normal. In the end, we didn't do anything wrong.
Exactly!!!! You did nothing wrong. BIL did, and he's upset
that he can no longer profit by putting things off. No one
attacked BIL for not doing anything for months, taking equipment
etc but somehow us pushing things along to get property sold is
way worse. Worse? According to who? BIL? Of course it's
worse....for him! I tried telling MIL that not talking about it
is NOT making anything better and its stressful but she just
keeps saying that BIL will talk about it when he's over it.
There's nothing to talk about unless BIL wants to apologize for
what he's been doing to cheat MIL and for the way he's been
treating his family membersWe are wanting to have Christmas at
our house and although we are being encouraged to invite BIL,
SIL and nephew we are being told by MIL that he probably won't
come.You would be acting in a gracious manner by inviting him.
His refusal reflects his own way of avoidance (because HE'S the
one who was in the wrong) Um ok. I've asked for explanation
several times on what we did wrong exactly but was told I need
to stop asking.I agree. You need to stop asking because you did
nothing wrong!!!!! How does one deal with something like this?
I can't apologize if I don't fully understand.You don't need to
apologize since you did nothing wrong!!!
[/quote]
I understand how you feel. It seems like you're the type of
person that just wants to fix everything so everyone can just
get along. To do that, you would take the blame for nothing.
Please don't. BIL did some things that were on the shady side
and should bear the guilt for that. If he's not feeling guilty
and is just mad that he can't continue, then your DH's efforts
are only in protection of MIL!!
BIL is a dishonest a$$hole and it's okay for you to realize
that.
#Post#: 72104--------------------------------------------------
Re: Force Family Awkwardness
By: BeagleMommy Date: November 30, 2021, 7:40 am
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BIL is upset only because he can no longer fleece his mom by
using a building that costs him nothing but costs his mom a lot
of money to maintain each month. If he had to pay the bills on
it I bet he'd sell as soon as possible.
That being said, you did nothing wrong. Invite BIL because it
means something to your MIL. If he decides not to attend that's
on him.
#Post#: 72117--------------------------------------------------
Re: Force Family Awkwardness
By: Despedina Date: November 30, 2021, 12:52 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=oogyda link=topic=2222.msg72103#msg72103
date=1638278337]
[quote author=Despedina link=topic=2222.msg72088#msg72088
date=1638223271]
Meantime its the holidays. I was hoping things would have blown
over by Thanksgiving but BIL is sill furious and refuses to
speak to my DH. its very awkward and MIL just says we need act
like things are normal. In the end, we didn't do anything wrong.
Exactly!!!! You did nothing wrong. BIL did, and he's upset
that he can no longer profit by putting things off. No one
attacked BIL for not doing anything for months, taking equipment
etc but somehow us pushing things along to get property sold is
way worse. Worse? According to who? BIL? Of course it's
worse....for him! I tried telling MIL that not talking about it
is NOT making anything better and its stressful but she just
keeps saying that BIL will talk about it when he's over it.
There's nothing to talk about unless BIL wants to apologize for
what he's been doing to cheat MIL and for the way he's been
treating his family membersWe are wanting to have Christmas at
our house and although we are being encouraged to invite BIL,
SIL and nephew we are being told by MIL that he probably won't
come.You would be acting in a gracious manner by inviting him.
His refusal reflects his own way of avoidance (because HE'S the
one who was in the wrong) Um ok. I've asked for explanation
several times on what we did wrong exactly but was told I need
to stop asking.I agree. You need to stop asking because you did
nothing wrong!!!!! How does one deal with something like this?
I can't apologize if I don't fully understand.You don't need to
apologize since you did nothing wrong!!!
[/quote]
I understand how you feel. It seems like you're the type of
person that just wants to fix everything so everyone can just
get along. To do that, you would take the blame for nothing.
Please don't. BIL did some things that were on the shady side
and should bear the guilt for that. If he's not feeling guilty
and is just mad that he can't continue, then your DH's efforts
are only in protection of MIL!!
BIL is a dishonest a$$hole and it's okay for you to realize
that.
[/quote]
Really what I want is for everyone to be open with each other
and get past this. Instead, anytime BIL is nearby he makes a
big deal out of the fact that he's actively angry at the both of
us. He was making things so tense on Thanksgiving that my DH
went outside and sat in the dark. I made idle conversation with
BIL's wife for a bit (nothing about the shop at all as she never
has had any interest in it) and when that was done we left. We
then had to go to the shop for about an hour last Friday and BIL
was at it again. Just ignoring only me and DH. MIL was trying
to placate BIL as he wandered around the office deciding what
junk he wanted to take home, and my son picked up a screw
driver. BIL got this look on his face and MIL jumped in and
demanded he put it down so BIL would not blow. It was insane to
a new level. We left right after we did what we needed to do.
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