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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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Return to: Entertaining and Hospitality
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#Post#: 65997--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: Hmmm Date: April 28, 2021, 11:18 am
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[quote author=Xainte link=topic=2042.msg65996#msg65996
date=1619616744]
I prefer it when family / close friends are comfortable enough
in my home to help themselves to the pantry and fridge. It's
less stress on me if I don't have to worry about anyone
suffering in silence.
Outside of Covid we host family quite a bit and we're all pretty
informal. I'm like most of the other posters - it doesn't
bother me if someone asks if we have a specific condiment or
type of tea etc...but I also don't feel bad if I don't have it.
Sometimes though the expectations between a couple hosting can
be the struggle. My husband tries to anticipate what everyone
wants and feels bad if we somehow fall short.
I try to get stuff that I reasonably think people will enjoy but
I'm done with
a) breaking the bank to try and cover all the bases.
b) getting stressed out if it isn't perfect or we miss
something.
c) missing out on enjoying my guests in the meantime.
I truly believe most guests would prefer to see their hosts
relaxed and enjoying themselves
[/quote]
I so agree with you. Over the years of hosting family, I started
feeling like we were expected to accomodate any and every whim
they had. For example, we are having family over on Sunday for
fried catfish. I know the following requests will be made
A only drinks decaf soda while B wants to have decaf and sugar
free, D&E want Coke only, and F will expect me to have sugar
free Sprite on hand. Even if I have water and ice tea out and
beer and wine, I know I'll be asked for each of these options.
Don't even get me started on people's preference of how they
want their coffee between skim milk, cream, sugar, and different
sugar substitutes.
D is the only one who eats tarter sauce (which I'll end up
making instead of buying jar that goes to waste) but E will
want Malt Vinegar which will end up sitting in my pantry for 2
years before the bottle gets thrown out
F only likes salads dressed with vinegar and oil (which I will
put part of the salad aside for him to dress for his
preference.)
A will ask for sliced lemons, will take one and I end up with a
bowl of sliced lemons that I either throw out or squeeze to save
the juice for another use.
B will ask for more horseradish so he can docter up the red
sauce more.
If I don't serve hushpuppies (or serve ones from frozen), A will
say "oh, you didn't make hushpuppies? I always like your
hushpuppies. Next time, make some hushpuppies for us."
So after 20 years, I have what I have and if I don't have it,
then one meal without for them won't kill anyone.
#Post#: 66007--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: lowspark Date: April 28, 2021, 3:19 pm
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LOL Hmmmm! Ok. No. I would have, long ago, told them what I'm
serving and that if they need any additional drinks or
condiments, that they are welcome to bring them.
I don't drink carbonated drinks. I used to buy them for parties
but I'd always have leftovers which I mostly just threw away,
plus inevitably, I bought too much of one kind and not enough of
another. ::) No one complained, mind you, but it was just a
pain to try to GUESS what people wanted to drink. So years ago,
I just quit. I always let people know what drinks will be
available - normally, water, iced tea, wine. Sometimes also
beer. If people want anything else, they can bring it.
I've really gotten out of the habit of trying to provide
everything for everyone. It's thankless at best and people will
criticize at worst.
Regarding getting stressed or not enjoying the party -- that is
a show stopper in my opinion. I love hosting and having parties.
That's why I do it. Because it's fun for me! Sure, sometimes
things happen which can cause stress. After all, there's a bunch
of people in my house and things can happen. But for the most
part, I have fun at my parties. I enjoy all the pre-party
planning and preparing and I enjoy the event itself. If that
weren't the case, or if it stopped happening, I would quit
hosting.
#Post#: 66009--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: chigger Date: April 28, 2021, 4:36 pm
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[quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=2042.msg65988#msg65988
date=1619561774]
[quote author=Bada link=topic=2042.msg65985#msg65985
date=1619556783]
[quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=2042.msg65984#msg65984
date=1619556452]
[quote author=Bada link=topic=2042.msg65955#msg65955
date=1619460621]
I'm frequently chasing my little ones and keeping the youngest
out of danger and it definitely distracts me,
[/quote]
When hosting an adult event (adult as in all guests are adults),
I would either hire a sitter to keep the kids out of my hair or
have them stay with friends.
[/quote]
It was a birthday party for one of my littles. With all the
people there I'm always making sure they aren't drinking or
eating something left about, going near the grill, etc.
[/quote]
If it was a kid's birthday party, why are you mostly catering to
adult guests? If my child had a birthday party, the focus was on
the child and the guests that were children.
[/quote]
Jeez, Queenfan, give the OP a break! First you want to scold her
for not having a sitter on hand, and then you want to scold her
for not catering to kids! I'm actually surprised that you did
not realize this was a family event. Especially in the time of
Covid!
#Post#: 66010--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: TootsNYC Date: April 28, 2021, 4:49 pm
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If this had been a not-everyone-is-family party, I would think
it's not cool of your brother to go rummage through stuff and
make himself at home. It just opens the door to weirdnesses,
like other guests thinking they could do the same thing. Or
perhaps underlining the different statuses of the guests. I
mean, sure, your brother is literally your brother, but he�s
also a guest just like them at this point, and he shouldn�t
really be claiming some other status in front of other people
who can�t.
It�s kind of parallel to the idea of not eating in front of
other people at a common gathering (�did you bring enough for
everyone?�). It wasn�t food this time, but access and control,
that he was demonstrating his differing status on.
I�m not saying your brother would be rude, but it was not
nuanced.
And I think he was a little out of line anyway; like, dude,
don't make a big deal of it, and don't criticize your sister's
house, even if she is your sister. Boundaries, buddy.
I think your own instincts to not interfere one way or the other
there with him and his tea were good�just let it be.
I think asking for the Dijon mustard wasn�t good etiquette, even
with family; if you had it, surely you�d have put it out, no?
Now the guest has just pointed out something they consider to be
a hosting error.
Your MIL was a total pill with that centerpieces thing!
Centerpieces are NOT required, and most of the time they are
stupid and in the way. But then to insist that you were erring
SO HORRIBLY that she had to do an incredibly insulting
thing�bring her own because you are so deficient! Really out of
line.
I had a friend who was a bit like your MIL in terms of trying to
help but just getting in the way and feeling like she was
controlling things. I had one of my first dinner parties, and as
we were switching courses, all the women jumped to follow me to
the kitchen to help. 4 of us. One of my friends, who was older,
almost parent age, officiously said, �Well, we�ll need to come
up with a way to handle this, because we all certainly won�t fit
in the kitchen at once.� I was a bit offended that she had
jumped to take control, so I said something like �It�ll work
best if you all just go sit down.� But I could have used some
help.
After that, I started getting out in front and saying, �My
kitchen is small, and I have a plan, so please stay out here and
socialize. I�ll call you if I need you, though.� And then I�d
ask one specific person to help and say to the others, �I don�t
need you yet, but I will certainly ask when I do.�
[quote]My husband is definitely of the mindset of "We do our
best and if people don't like it that's their problem." Which is
why I couldn't ask him this, since he'd have said none of it
mattered.[/quote]
I often like to take etiquette questions to the sensible men I
know, because they often zero right in on the truth.
#Post#: 66963--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: jazzgirl205 Date: June 2, 2021, 1:35 pm
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I do not think you were a bad host. As for asking for
condiments, if I wanted something that was common, like
mayonnaise or pepper, I might ask. If I knew my host was not a
vegan or lactose intolerant, I might ask for milk if I only saw
almond milk. I would not, however, ask for a fancier version of
what was put out. I would assume the hostess would put out
dijon mustard along with the yellow mustard if she had it.
I love giving parties and dinner parties. Truth be told, I hate
everybody I've invited 24 hours before the party starts >:(.
About an hour before the party starts, I love them dearly all
over again. After the party, as I put on some good jazz and am
cleaning up, dh and I talk about what a lovely evening it was
and how lucky we are to have such intelligent, wonderful
friends. ;D
#Post#: 69669--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: bopper Date: August 30, 2021, 10:02 am
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For your brother, he is family, and not a guest so you can treat
him that way....let him find his tea (or you could put some out
next time), but if he complains about your tea expiring you can
say "Oh great! Bring me some new tea as a hostess gift next time
;-)"
If someone asks for dijon mustard, if you have it then get it
out if you don't then don't worry.
You handled MIL the right way and you do your parties the way
you want. If people keep coming then you are doing fine.
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