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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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Return to: Holidays
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#Post#: 42259--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: sandisadie Date: November 18, 2019, 6:53 pm
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Not inviting this MIL, who has lost loved ones recently, is
wrong, IMO. Even if she is nasty as all get out the family
should be able to put up with her for part of one day, for
heaven's sake! I think the idea that her son will go to her
house of Christmas morning and bring her to the festivities is a
great idea. Then she can be driven home at a certain time and
maybe the son can spend some alone time with her at her house.
Maybe they could even take the grandson along to her house where
a small surprise gift is waiting. Treating even your enemies
with kindness takes nothing away from you, especially at this
time of the year. This woman's life has had some radical
changes this year so maybe she is changing also. I'd give her a
chance.
#Post#: 42277--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: November 19, 2019, 4:07 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Thanks everyone! I must say, I was expecting the responses to be
split more 50/50! It is surprising to hear everyone say that Sue
should invite her MIL on Christmas Day.
FWIW, I completely agree that Sue should invite her MIL! I've
told her to just invite everyone, and let the chips fall where
they may. She just responds with things like "It just wouldn't
work." etc.
That said, Sue is now considering as a compromise measure,
inviting her MIL over at night, for dinner. Tom would prefer she
comes for lunch, however. Here in Australia, lunch tends to be
the main meal of Christmas Day, plus it means that MIL will
still be by herself all day until 7pm (or whatever time they
invite her over for).
At any rate, I think Tom will ultimately end up deferring to
whatever Sue wants to do. He is a super-chill guy (and really
loves her) so he'll do whatever it takes to make her happy.
#Post#: 42286--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hmmm Date: November 19, 2019, 8:19 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1407.msg42277#msg42277
date=1574158072]
Thanks everyone! I must say, I was expecting the responses to be
split more 50/50! It is surprising to hear everyone say that Sue
should invite her MIL on Christmas Day.
FWIW, I completely agree that Sue should invite her MIL! I've
told her to just invite everyone, and let the chips fall where
they may. She just responds with things like "It just wouldn't
work." etc.
That said, Sue is now considering as a compromise measure,
inviting her MIL over at night, for dinner. Tom would prefer she
comes for lunch, however. Here in Australia, lunch tends to be
the main meal of Christmas Day, plus it means that MIL will
still be by herself all day until 7pm (or whatever time they
invite her over for).
At any rate, I think Tom will ultimately end up deferring to
whatever Sue wants to do. He is a super-chill guy (and really
loves her) so he'll do whatever it takes to make her happy.
[/quote]
Just curious if Sue is normally this selfish and lacking in
compassion? I honestly would rather not be invited at all than
know I was being excluded from the main day activities and being
invited for a consolation prize. And since the baby is 3, pretty
sure it will be in bed by 8 or 9 after a long and exciting day.
I vote for Tom taking the three year old and his Mom out for
lunch. And then Tom and the baby can return around 3ish to visit
with the other grandparents.
edited to add: There are chill guys and there are spineless
wimps. Tom's falling into the second category if he allows his
mother to be treated like this.
#Post#: 42287--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: peony Date: November 19, 2019, 8:38 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I'm going to go against the current here and say that Sue isn't
being selfish or nasty, she's trying to figure out the best
thing to do under some difficult circumstances. It takes a lot
of intestinal fortitude invite someone over that you know won't
get along with another loved one and who you know will take
potshots at you on the very holiday day you're trying to make
easier for her, in your own home. It isn't always just a matter
of putting on one's big girl panties and behaving, it's a matter
of, do I want to destroy my peace of mind and perhaps others'
too for x many hours for someone who is going to be verbally
mean and probably ungrateful to boot?
That being said, I agree that it would be cruel not to do
something for MIL that day. Maybe splitting the meals, lunch
with her family and supper with MIL? I was thinking supper
because she would probably feel the loneliest toward evening
when it's getting dark.
#Post#: 42297--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: November 19, 2019, 9:29 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree that leaving Tom's mother alone on Christmas is not the
kind thing to do. If I was Sue, I would probably level with my
parents and explain the situation. Despite not getting along
with the woman, I would think that reasonable people would
understand the need to not leave her alone on Christmas. While
etiquette would tell me that I can't change the invitation or my
acceptance of it, I would think that this is one of those
situations where it would be fine to do so. They could decide if
it's best to grit their teeth and try to enjoy the company of
this woman or if they should alter their plans to avoid her. I
could easily see a compromise where they enjoy a brunch or lunch
with one side and dinner or evening drinks/dessert with another.
Of course, Sue (and Tom) need to shine their spines. If Tom's
mom does not behave herself, they should be prepared to draw
boundaries and such. However, I am hopeful that the Christmas
spirit will overtake her and she will be more bearable... maybe
even delightful!
#Post#: 42324--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hello Ducky Date: November 19, 2019, 3:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=peony link=topic=1407.msg42287#msg42287
date=1574174307]
I'm going to go against the current here and say that Sue isn't
being selfish or nasty, she's trying to figure out the best
thing to do under some difficult circumstances. It takes a lot
of intestinal fortitude invite someone over that you know won't
get along with another loved one and who you know will take
potshots at you on the very holiday day you're trying to make
easier for her, in your own home. It isn't always just a matter
of putting on one's big girl panties and behaving, it's a matter
of, do I want to destroy my peace of mind and perhaps others'
too for x many hours for someone who is going to be verbally
mean and probably ungrateful to boot?
That being said, I agree that it would be cruel not to do
something for MIL that day. Maybe splitting the meals, lunch
with her family and supper with MIL? I was thinking supper
because she would probably feel the loneliest toward evening
when it's getting dark.
[/quote]
I can't agree with that. Sue's parents still have each other
and the rest of their family to spend the day with; compassion
would be spending the day with Tom's mother since she only has
Tom now. She could have her parents over the day before or day
after if she's so determined not to have them be in the same
room together.
#Post#: 42341--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hmmm Date: November 19, 2019, 5:13 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hello Ducky link=topic=1407.msg42324#msg42324
date=1574199380]
[quote author=peony link=topic=1407.msg42287#msg42287
date=1574174307]
I'm going to go against the current here and say that Sue isn't
being selfish or nasty, she's trying to figure out the best
thing to do under some difficult circumstances. It takes a lot
of intestinal fortitude invite someone over that you know won't
get along with another loved one and who you know will take
potshots at you on the very holiday day you're trying to make
easier for her, in your own home. It isn't always just a matter
of putting on one's big girl panties and behaving, it's a matter
of, do I want to destroy my peace of mind and perhaps others'
too for x many hours for someone who is going to be verbally
mean and probably ungrateful to boot?
That being said, I agree that it would be cruel not to do
something for MIL that day. Maybe splitting the meals, lunch
with her family and supper with MIL? I was thinking supper
because she would probably feel the loneliest toward evening
when it's getting dark.
[/quote]
I can't agree with that. Sue's parents still have each other
and the rest of their family to spend the day with; compassion
would be spending the day with Tom's mother since she only has
Tom now. She could have her parents over the day before or day
after if she's so determined not to have them be in the same
room together.
[/quote]
Exactly. There is nothing in the description of MIL that makes
us assume she toxic. If Sue's family members are so delicate
they are unable to deal with being around someone who annoys
them for a single day, then they can choose to spend the day
somewhere else. Let Tom and his MIL who have both recently
suffered a loss spend the best part of the day together. Tom
obviously wants to spend time with his Mom. Sue is putting her
feelings above the need of her husband.
#Post#: 42345--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Winterlight Date: November 19, 2019, 8:02 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think that both Sue and Tom need to have chats with their
parents- Tom about not nagging Sue and picking at her parenting,
and Sue about not sniping at her MIL even if she is being
difficult. Then everyone comes, and hopefully behaves.
#Post#: 42357--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: peony Date: November 20, 2019, 12:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1407.msg42341#msg42341
date=1574205202]
[quote author=Hello Ducky link=topic=1407.msg42324#msg42324
date=1574199380]
[quote author=peony link=topic=1407.msg42287#msg42287
date=1574174307]
I'm going to go against the current here and say that Sue isn't
being selfish or nasty, she's trying to figure out the best
thing to do under some difficult circumstances. It takes a lot
of intestinal fortitude invite someone over that you know won't
get along with another loved one and who you know will take
potshots at you on the very holiday day you're trying to make
easier for her, in your own home. It isn't always just a matter
of putting on one's big girl panties and behaving, it's a matter
of, do I want to destroy my peace of mind and perhaps others'
too for x many hours for someone who is going to be verbally
mean and probably ungrateful to boot?
That being said, I agree that it would be cruel not to do
something for MIL that day. Maybe splitting the meals, lunch
with her family and supper with MIL? I was thinking supper
because she would probably feel the loneliest toward evening
when it's getting dark.
[/quote]
I can't agree with that. Sue's parents still have each other
and the rest of their family to spend the day with; compassion
would be spending the day with Tom's mother since she only has
Tom now. She could have her parents over the day before or day
after if she's so determined not to have them be in the same
room together.
[/quote]
Exactly. There is nothing in the description of MIL that makes
us assume she toxic. If Sue's family members are so delicate
they are unable to deal with being around someone who annoys
them for a single day, then they can choose to spend the day
somewhere else. Let Tom and his MIL who have both recently
suffered a loss spend the best part of the day together. Tom
obviously wants to spend time with his Mom. Sue is putting her
feelings above the need of her husband.
[/quote]
Sue and Tom should start as they mean to go on with this new
situation. They should make a plan that they will be happy with
going forward, because it might cause unnecessary hurt to people
to alter it later. Both sides of the family should be treated
fairly *and equally.*
#Post#: 42370--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Gellchom Date: November 20, 2019, 10:27 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=peony link=topic=1407.msg42357#msg42357
date=1574229648]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1407.msg42341#msg42341
date=1574205202]
[quote author=Hello Ducky link=topic=1407.msg42324#msg42324
date=1574199380]
[quote author=peony link=topic=1407.msg42287#msg42287
date=1574174307]
I'm going to go against the current here and say that Sue isn't
being selfish or nasty, she's trying to figure out the best
thing to do under some difficult circumstances. It takes a lot
of intestinal fortitude invite someone over that you know won't
get along with another loved one and who you know will take
potshots at you on the very holiday day you're trying to make
easier for her, in your own home. It isn't always just a matter
of putting on one's big girl panties and behaving, it's a matter
of, do I want to destroy my peace of mind and perhaps others'
too for x many hours for someone who is going to be verbally
mean and probably ungrateful to boot?
That being said, I agree that it would be cruel not to do
something for MIL that day. Maybe splitting the meals, lunch
with her family and supper with MIL? I was thinking supper
because she would probably feel the loneliest toward evening
when it's getting dark.
[/quote]
I can't agree with that. Sue's parents still have each other
and the rest of their family to spend the day with; compassion
would be spending the day with Tom's mother since she only has
Tom now. She could have her parents over the day before or day
after if she's so determined not to have them be in the same
room together.
[/quote]
Exactly. There is nothing in the description of MIL that makes
us assume she toxic. If Sue's family members are so delicate
they are unable to deal with being around someone who annoys
them for a single day, then they can choose to spend the day
somewhere else. Let Tom and his MIL who have both recently
suffered a loss spend the best part of the day together. Tom
obviously wants to spend time with his Mom. Sue is putting her
feelings above the need of her husband.
[/quote]
Sue and Tom should start as they mean to go on with this new
situation. They should make a plan that they will be happy with
going forward, because it might cause unnecessary hurt to people
to alter it later. Both sides of the family should be treated
fairly *and equally.*
[/quote]
The bolded sounds great in the abstract, but this year at least,
the parties are not situated equally. Tom�s family is in
mourning (this is their first Christmas since their losses,
IIRC), his sister is far away, and his mother would be alone.
It�s kind of like the old saying, �the rich and the poor equally
have the right to sleep under a bridge.�
I think we also need to include �kindly.�
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