* * * * *
You thought programming was hard!
My Lovely and Talented Copy Editor has been complaining that my recents posts
have gotten rather technical in nature. Well, to that, I reply: yes, but
that's because computers are easier to reason about than English spelling
(which is, oddly enough, one of the current topics on a computer related
mailing list I'm on). For instance:
> Four letters cause me disillusion
> OUGH makes phonetic confusion
> Four simple letters with four pronunciations
> Make learning English tough for Asians.
>
> OUGH has no logic, no rule
> Or rhyme or rhythm; it will fool
> All who struggle to master expression
> English may cause thorough depression.
>
> I pour some water in a trough
> I sneeze and splutter, then I cough.
> And with a rough hewn bough
> My muddy paddy fields I plough.
>
> Loaves of warm bread in a row
> Crispy crusts and doughy dough.
> Now, my final duty to do
> And then my chores will all be through.
>
> My lament is finished, even though
> Learning this word game is really slow.
> It is so difficult, it's very rough
> Learning English is really tough.
>
> If a trough was a truff
> And a plough was a pluff
> If dough was duff
> And though was thuff
> If cough was cuff
> And through was thruff
> I would not pretend, or try to bluff,
> But of OUGH I've had enough
>
> “Enough Is Enough” by Rosemary Chen
>
And another neat gem from the computer related mailing list I'm on: take this
sentence:
> Show this bold Prussian that praises slaughter, slaughter brings rout.
> Teach this slaughter-lover his fall nears.
>
Remove the first letter of each word, and you get a completely different
sentence!
> How his old Russian hat raises laughter—laughter rings out! Each, his
> laughter over, is all ears.
>
English is weird (and here I thought “I” before “E” except after “C”—I guess
that makes “weird” weird).
Of course, there exist other poems about the oddities of the English
langauge, like this one:
> When the English tongue we speak
> Why is break not rhymed with weak?
> Won't you tell me why it's true
> We say sew, but also few?
> And the maker of a verse
> Cannot rhyme his horse with worse?
> Beard is not the same as heard,
> Cord is different from word,
> Cow is cow, but low is low,
> Shoe is never rhymed with foe.
> Think of hose and dose and lose,
> And think of goose and yet of choose,
> Think of comb and tomb and bomb,
> Doll and roll and home and some.
> And since pay is rhymed with say,
> Why not paid with said I pray?
> Think of blood and food and good;
> Mould is not pronounced like could.
> Why is it done, but gone and lone
> Is there any reason known?
> To sum it up, it seems to me
> That sounds and letters don't agree.
>
But perhaps the most well know is this poem:
> Dearest creature in creation
> Studying English pronunciation,
> I will teach you in my verse
> Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
>
> I will keep you, Susy, busy,
> Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
> Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;
> Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.
>
> Pray, console your loving poet,
> Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
> Just compare heart, hear and heard,
> Dies and diet, lord and word.
>
> Sword and sward, retain and Britain
> (Mind the latter how it's written).
> Made has not the sound of bade,
> Say—said, pay—paid, laid but plaid.
>
> Now I surely will not plague you
> With such words as vague and ague,
> But be careful how you speak,
> Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,
>
> Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
> Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
> Woven, oven, how and low,
> Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
>
> Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
> Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
> Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
> Missiles, similes, reviles.
>
> Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
> Same, examining, but mining,
> Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
> Solar, mica, war and far.
>
> From “desire”: desirable—admirable from “admire”,
> Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
> Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
> Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,
>
> One, anemone, Balmoral,
> Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
> Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
> Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,
>
> Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
> Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
> This phonetic labyrinth
> Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
>
> Have you ever yet endeavoured
> To pronounce revered and severed,
> Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
> Peter, petrol and patrol?
>
> Billet does not end like ballet;
> Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
> Blood and flood are not like food,
> Nor is mould like should and would.
>
> Banquet is not nearly parquet,
> Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
> Discount, viscount, load and broad,
> Toward, to forward, to reward,
>
> Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
> Right! Your pronunciation's OK.
> Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
> Friend and fiend, alive and live.
>
> Is your R correct in higher?
> Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia.
> Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
> Buoyant, minute, but minute.
>
> Say abscission with precision,
> Now: position and transition;
> Would it tally with my rhyme
> If I mentioned paradigm?
>
> Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
> But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
> Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
> Rabies, but lullabies.
>
> Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
> Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
> You'll envelop lists, I hope,
> In a linen envelope.
>
> Would you like some more? You'll have it!
> Affidavit, David, davit.
> To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
> Does not sound like Czech but ache.
>
> Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
> Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
> We say hallowed, but allowed,
> People, leopard, towed but vowed.
>
> Mark the difference, moreover,
> Between mover, plover, Dover.
> Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
> Chalice, but police and lice,
>
> Camel, constable, unstable,
> Principle, disciple, label.
> Petal, penal, and canal,
> Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,
>
> Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
> Rhyme with “shirk it” and “beyond it”,
> But it is not hard to tell
> Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
>
> Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
> Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
> Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
> Senator, spectator, mayor,
>
> Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
> Has the A of drachm and hammer.
> Pussy, hussy and possess,
> Desert, but desert, address.
>
> Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
> Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
> Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
> Cow, but Cowper, some and home.
>
> “Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker”,
> Quoth he, “than liqueur or liquor”,
> Making, it is sad but true,
> In bravado, much ado.
>
> Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
> Neither does devour with clangour.
> Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
> Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.
>
> Arsenic, specific, scenic,
> Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
> Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
> Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.
>
> Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
> Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
> Mind! Meandering but mean,
> Valentine and magazine.
>
> And I bet you, dear, a penny,
> You say mani-(fold) like many,
> Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
> Tier (one who ties), but tier.
>
> Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
> Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
> Prison, bison, treasure trove,
> Treason, hover, cover, cove,
>
> Perseverance, severance. Ribald
> Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.
> Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
> Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.
>
> Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
> And distinguish buffet, buffet;
> Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
> Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.
>
> Say in sounds correct and sterling
> Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
> Evil, devil, mezzotint,
> Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)
>
> Now you need not pay attention
> To such sounds as I don't mention,
> Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
> Rhyming with the pronoun yours;
>
> Nor are proper names included,
> Though I often heard, as you did,
> Funny rhymes to unicorn,
> Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.
>
> No, my maiden, coy and comely,
> I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.
> No. Yet Froude compared with proud
> Is no better than McLeod.
>
> But mind trivial and vial,
> Tripod, menial, denial,
> Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
> Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.
>
> Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
> May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
> But you're not supposed to say
> Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.
>
> Had this invalid invalid
> Worthless documents? How pallid,
> How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
> When for Portsmouth I had booked!
>
> Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
> Paramour, enamoured, flighty,
> Episodes, antipodes,
> Acquiesce, and obsequies.
>
> Please don't monkey with the geyser,
> Don't peel 'taters with my razor,
> Rather say in accents pure:
> Nature, stature and mature.
>
> Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
> Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
> Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
> Wan, sedan and artisan.
>
> The TH will surely trouble you
> More than R, CH or W.
> Say then these phonetic gems:
> Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.
>
> Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
> There are more but I forget 'em—
> Wait! I've got it: Anthony,
> Lighten your anxiety.
>
> The archaic word albeit
> Does not rhyme with eight—you see it;
> With and forthwith, one has voice,
> One has not, you make your choice.
>
> Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger;
> Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
> Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
> Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,
>
> Hero, heron, query, very,
> Parry, tarry, fury, bury,
> Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
> Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.
>
> Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
> Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
> Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
> Puisne, truism, use, to use?
>
> Though the difference seems little,
> We say actual, but victual,
> Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
> Put, nut, granite, and unite
>
> Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
> Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
> Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
> Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.
>
> Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
> Science, conscience, scientific;
> Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
> Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
>
> Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
> Next omit, which differs from it
> Bona fide, alibi
> Gyrate, dowry and awry.
>
> Sea, idea, guinea, area,
> Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
> Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
> Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
>
> Compare alien with Italian,
> Dandelion with battalion,
> Rally with ally; yea, ye,
> Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!
>
> Say aver, but ever, fever,
> Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
> Never guess—it is not safe,
> We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.
>
> Starry, granary, canary,
> Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
> Face, but preface, then grimace,
> Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
>
> Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
> Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
> Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
> Do not rhyme with here but heir.
>
> Mind the O of off and often
> Which may be pronounced as orphan,
> With the sound of saw and sauce;
> Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.
>
> Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
> Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
> Respite, spite, consent, resent.
> Liable, but Parliament.
>
> Seven is right, but so is even,
> Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
> Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
> Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.
>
> A of valour, vapid, vapour,
> S of news (compare newspaper),
> G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
> I of antichrist and grist,
>
> Differ like diverse and divers,
> Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
> Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
> Polish, Polish, poll and poll.
>
> Pronunciation—think of Psyche!—
> Is a paling, stout and spiky.
> Won't it make you lose your wits
> Writing groats and saying 'grits'?
>
> It's a dark abyss or tunnel
> Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
> Islington, and Isle of Wight,
> Housewife, verdict and indict.
>
> Don't you think so, reader, rather,
> Saying lather, bather, father?
> Finally, which rhymes with enough,
> Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??
>
> Hiccough has the sound of sup …
> My advice is: GIVE IT UP!
>
> “The Chaos” by Gerard Nolst Trenité
>
After that, I think understanding call with current continuation [1] with
monads [2] is easier to grok than English spelling.
[1]
http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?CallWithCurrentContinuation
[2]
http://www.haskell.org/haskellwiki/Monad
Email author at
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