* * * * *

                             President Noah Body

I have a multitude of feelings, and I'm not sure just where to start, so
here's a list in no particular order:

* I need a shower. Not a physical one (although that would be nice) but a …
 spiritual? Mental? Political? … shower.
* It must feel great to vote for someone you truely believe in. I wouldn't
 know that.
* Why must all elections be about voting in either the lesser of two evils,
 or the greater of two evils? Where's the person that represents me?
* Why is it so hard to get on the ballot? You'd think the Powers That Be™
 don't want competition or something …
* I hope whoever wins wins by a landslide—I'd really hate a replay of
 Indecision 2000.
* I hope Kerry wins the Electoral vote but looses the popular vote—then maybe
 the Democrats will shut up about that issue for once.
* It only takes 11 states to win the Presidency [1]. Make of that what you
 will …
* No matter who ends up in the White House, the lawyers really win.
* No matter how you vote, half the people in this county will think you are
 stupid for voting for that guy.

Yup. I voted today. No line either, which given that I'm voting in Florida
(and not only that, but one of the three trouble counties of Indecision 2000
[2] to boot!) was rather strange. Got to use an electronic voting machine as
there wasn't much of an option; I can only hope my vote is counted as I
intended.

There is a section on electronic voting in _Applied Cryptography_ [3] (§6.5
in the first edition, which is what I have), where it lists five minimal
characteristics of voting:

 1. Only authorized voters can vote.
 2. No one can vote more than once.
 3. No one can determine for whom anyone voted.
 4. No one can change anyone else's vote without being discovered.
 5. All voters can make sure that their vote has been taken into account in
    the final tabulation.

[I'm not sure if I agree with #5 (the selling of votes is a major concern for
me). If it means I can see that my vote for Cthulhu [4] was counted
correctly, then I can collect my hundred zorkmids [5] from Hastur [6], to
whom I sold my vote. But if it means that all valid votes were counted for
(out of X votes, Y were cast, and the results all add up to Y) then okay, I
can see #5 being valid.]

With the algorithms being quite complicated in how they work, but it's much
better than the joke systems Diebold [7] has developed for use [8].

As I stood there in front of the machine (I'm not sure if it was a Diebold
machine or not, but still, no paper trail) looking at the first page where we
get to pick our poison of a President for the next four years, I wished we
had a viable “None of the Above” choice such that if “Noah Body” won, the
candidates in question are ineligable to run again for that particular race,
and a whole new slate of candidates get selected to run in an emergency,
quick, two week (or some other short time period) race. Then rationality gets
a hold of me, and the spectre of _Unintended Consequences_ (“Why Things Bite
Back” by Edward Tenner) [9] and I think better of it.

Still, I'd like to send a message to these bozos from time to time.

Myself, I'm going to resist the tempation to even peek at the results until
the 4^th, when the Electoral Collage will rise from its hole, and if it sees
its shadow, then six more weeks of vote counting and law suites.

I'm going for my shower now …

[1] gopher://gopher.conman.org/0Phlog:2000/11/10.1
[2] http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0284994/
[3] http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0471117099/conmanlaborat-20?creative=327641&camp=14573&link_code=as1
[4] http://www.wordiq.com/definition/Cthulhu
[5] http://www.wordiq.com/definition/Zorkmid
[6] http://www.wordiq.com/definition/Hastur
[7] http://www.diebold.com/
[8] http://www.eff.org/legal/ISP_liability/OPG_v_Diebold/
[9] http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0679747567/conmanlaborat-20/104-5532091-7444769?dev-t=mason-wrapper%26camp=2025%26link_code=xm2

Email author at [email protected]