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Mortality | |
February 27th, 2018 | |
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My phone rings. Mom's face stares up at me. I hesitate. | |
Dad's been sick, the kind you don't get better from. It's too soon | |
for this to be the call, right? | |
I breathe. | |
"Hello?" I cringe. | |
"Hey." It's my dad's voice. Why is it dad's voice? He hasn't | |
called in a year. Mom makes the calls and he jumps on the line. Is | |
mom okay? What are we going to do if mom goes first? | |
"Hey there. What's going on?" Don't say it... | |
He struggles to get his voice to go. It's not quite a wheeze or | |
a cough, more like priming an engine. A few false starts, pulls at | |
that motor, and finally he gets it. | |
"Can't get anything to load on Google. TurboTax deal expires | |
tomorrow." | |
Computer trouble, thank God. I used to dread these calls from my | |
parents when I was younger. Glorified tech support for the family. | |
Now it's a relief. It's a chance to talk with him, to have | |
a subject that isn't the illness, or politics where there is no | |
middle ground. It's something I can help him with. He'll take | |
pride in my knowing the answer. | |
"Do you have Teamviewer installed still?" | |
Silence on the line. Is he there? I think I can hear him still, | |
but he's not answering. He did this when I was young and he was | |
annoyed with explaining things ad naseum. He'd remain silent and | |
work on something and let me watch, figure it out myself. Is this | |
that? Is he silent on purpose? | |
"Dad, you there?" | |
"Yeh," it's almost a word, almost a cough. He can hear me, but | |
he's not answering. The sickness? | |
"Do you still have that program I installed last time I was there? | |
The one that lets me control your machine and see what you see?" | |
Silence. | |
Patience. This, this is the good stuff left to us. I tell myself | |
not to get frustrated, not to get angry. Don't waste it. | |
We go back and forth like that until I'm miles past where | |
I thought my fuse would end. It is frustrating, but I'm not | |
letting myself be frustrated. | |
Mom can help, I think. She can interpret what he's doing, give it | |
voice. If I can just see what he's looking at-- | |
I text mom: | |
Is dad working on the computer? He's not saying anything when | |
I ask questions? | |
A moment later she's over dad's shoulder reading him my text. | |
Cringe. Well, maybe he'll answer. | |
"I'm here." he says, and I wish it were true. |