---------------------------------------- | |
Time travel | |
November 30th, 2017 | |
---------------------------------------- | |
This phlog entry is partially a response to cat [0] and partially | |
a fairly complex and possibly unpopular opinion on time travel. | |
I hate the idea of time travel and I pray very hard that it isn't | |
possible. I don't mind games or movies about it, but there is | |
nothing quite as horrifying to me in reality. When I say that | |
I pray about it, I mean that quite literally. It has been the | |
subject of my prayers on multiple occasions, and has dominated at | |
least one silent retreat. | |
To understand my reasoning I need to explain a bit about how | |
I perceive time and the moments that constitute it: | |
In sixth grade I was in a new school in a brand new English | |
class. English was not a good subject for me, and I was pretty | |
intimidated. My teacher, Mr. Tucker, put a picture up in the | |
front of the classroom. It was a fish wearing headphones. He | |
told the class, "There's a famous saying, 'A picture is worth | |
a thousand words.' I want you to write a few hundred. For the | |
next ten minutes write about what this fish is listening to and | |
why." At that time in my life I really had no clue about music. | |
I didn't follow any bands. I pretty much listened to whatever my | |
older sister was playing. I thought really hard and came up with | |
Poison by Bel Biv DeVoe. There's a section of that song that | |
I knew some words to, so I started there. The other problem | |
I was facing was that I was a horribly slow hand-writer. | |
The minutes flew by and I hadn't even finished writing the | |
lyrics to the song when the teacher said stop. I hadn't gotten | |
to the fish! I had a random section of Poison written out by | |
hand and that was it. The teacher decided to read a few out-loud | |
to the class. He picked my paper up first and started to read. | |
I was mortified as he recited, "Girl it's driving me out of my | |
mind. That's why it's hard for me to find..." The words ended | |
and it made no sense at all. | |
That moment was horrifying to me, and I know the rest of the class | |
forgot it within minutes. It still haunts my memories almost | |
thirty years later. | |
Here's the thing, though. That moment is fixed in time. Nothing | |
can happen in the world that will ever change that having | |
happened. No nuclear bomb can go off, no zealot can preach, no | |
asteroid can strike which will change the fact that at that point | |
in time I was being humiliated in front of a classroom of | |
strangers. | |
Now, think about the magical moments. There was a girl I dated in | |
high school who I loved with the passionate love that can only be | |
felt by overwhelming hormones and youthful rage. I remember our | |
first time together. I remember the claw marks. That moment can | |
never, ever be taken away. | |
She's a horrifying shit-show of a person now. I'm honestly amazed | |
she's still alive, and I wouldn't want to be within a mile of her | |
these days. It's irrelevant, though because I love her with all my | |
heart and all my soul... in that moment. | |
I think of the people who have died and gone. My grandma, close | |
friends, so so many lives. They're all still living in that moment | |
in time and our lives touch. It is a fixed element that I can | |
always go back to. I don't need to let today into those moments. | |
My friend who took his own life is still with me at summer camp, | |
sneaking into the pool to glue the "buddy tags" to the board. The | |
girl I was going to ask out in my high school homeroom didn't die | |
on the way to school when some asshole flipped his car. She is | |
still sitting next to me smiling in that moment. | |
I fucking hate time travel because it is the only concept that | |
could take those moments from me. The bad ones and the good ones | |
are mine. They are my treasures and the only safe thing in | |
existence. I pray it never comes to pass. | |
[0] cat - Something about basketball, IDK |