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	Time travel
	November 30th, 2017
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	This phlog entry is partially a response to cat [0] and partially
	a fairly complex and possibly unpopular opinion on time travel.

	I hate the idea of time travel and I pray very hard that it isn't
	possible. I don't mind games or movies about it, but there is
	nothing quite as horrifying to me in reality. When I say that
	I pray about it, I mean that quite literally. It has been the
	subject of my prayers on multiple occasions, and has dominated at
	least one silent retreat.

	To understand my reasoning I need to explain a bit about how
	I perceive time and the moments that constitute it:

	In sixth grade I was in a new school in a brand new English
	class. English was not a good subject for me, and I was pretty
	intimidated. My teacher, Mr. Tucker, put a picture up in the
	front of the classroom. It was a fish wearing headphones. He
	told the class, "There's a famous saying, 'A picture is worth
	a thousand words.' I want you to write a few hundred. For the
	next ten minutes write about what this fish is listening to and
	why." At that time in my life I really had no clue about music.
	I didn't follow any bands. I pretty much listened to whatever my
	older sister was playing. I thought really hard and came up with
	Poison by Bel Biv DeVoe. There's a section of that song that
	I knew some words to, so I started there. The other problem
	I was facing was that I was a horribly slow hand-writer.

	The minutes flew by and I hadn't even finished writing the
	lyrics to the song when the teacher said stop. I hadn't gotten
	to the fish! I had a random section of Poison written out by
	hand and that was it. The teacher decided to read a few out-loud
	to the class. He picked my paper up first and started to read.
	I was mortified as he recited, "Girl it's driving me out of my
	mind. That's why it's hard for me to find..." The words ended
	and it made no sense at all.

	That moment was horrifying to me, and I know the rest of the class
	forgot it within minutes. It still haunts my memories almost
	thirty years later.

	Here's the thing, though. That moment is fixed in time. Nothing
	can happen in the world that will ever change that having
	happened. No nuclear bomb can go off, no zealot can preach, no
	asteroid can strike which will change the fact that at that point
	in time I was being humiliated in front of a classroom of
	strangers.

	Now, think about the magical moments. There was a girl I dated in
	high school who I loved with the passionate love that can only be
	felt by overwhelming hormones and youthful rage. I remember our
	first time together. I remember the claw marks. That moment can
	never, ever be taken away.

	She's a horrifying shit-show of a person now. I'm honestly amazed
	she's still alive, and I wouldn't want to be within a mile of her
	these days. It's irrelevant, though because I love her with all my
	heart and all my soul... in that moment.

	I think of the people who have died and gone. My grandma, close
	friends, so so many lives. They're all still living in that moment
	in time and our lives touch. It is a fixed element that I can
	always go back to. I don't need to let today into those moments.
	My friend who took his own life is still with me at summer camp,
	sneaking into the pool to glue the "buddy tags" to the board. The
	girl I was going to ask out in my high school homeroom didn't die
	on the way to school when some asshole flipped his car. She is
	still sitting next to me smiling in that moment.

	I fucking hate time travel because it is the only concept that
	could take those moments from me. The bad ones and the good ones
	are mine. They are my treasures and the only safe thing in
	existence. I pray it never comes to pass.


	[0] cat - Something about basketball, IDK