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Do the Hard Thing
November 08th, 2017
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I've been thinking about lessons that I want to teach my boy.
Boiling down all my experiences and knowledge to some core
principles that I can invest him with to help him in the future is
both thrilling and overwhelming. On the one hand, I have a lot of
specific things I've experienced I could steer him on, but I think
it will be difficult to make all the individual stuff stick with
him. Instead I think it would be best to focus on principles, like
living a life with the willingness to say "Yes!" to new
opportunites and challenges. That's what led me to the Navy, or to
the Jesuits, or to live in Alaska. I think it's an important and
generally helpful attitude to pass on.
Most recently I was thinking about an idea I learned as a Jesuit
novice called "agere contra". It means to do the opposite. In the
context of Ignatian spirituality it is making a reference to the
types of comfort we experience by doing what comes easy and
natural to us. St. Ignatius thought that by avoiding these natural
trappings of "easy" we would be forced to rely on God as we faced
the unknown scary things and in doing so become closer with Him.
As an example, when I started the novitiate, all of the novices
were taken around the city to the various apostolates where we
would be spending our "working" time during formation. There were
hospitals, nursing homes, hospice care, schools, food pantries,
and other various charities and social services. Our novice
director told us to thing about the different places as we
explored them and to pray on each of them and imagine ourselves
working there. Only after we had done that did they introduce the
concept of agere contra. The director said, list for me the top
two apostolates which are the most intimidating to you, the
scariest, or the most unnatural to your experience and
disposition. What are the last choices you would make. And with
that in mind, he helped assign us to something hard.
In my case that meant I worked in hospice care and elementary
education, both of which seemed terrifying. I went on to
experience some of the most rewarding months of my life. I not
only broadened my exposure to new things, but I also gained
confidence in my ability (with God's help) to take on the unknown
and not just survive, but to thrive.
In the case of my son, the idea of agere contra might be a little
bit too complex. Maybe it takes a more sophisticated understanding
of the world and yourself to put it into action. But there are
parts I think he can grok even at 5 years old.
Do the hard thing.
That's the heart I'm working on with him now. I think there's more
in that idea than just agere contra, too. As we face increasing
threats to employment through automation, focusing on doing and
learning what is hard is a generally safe way of proceeding. In
working in a group, taking on the hard part will instill a valued
social skill. Ethically it conditions him to avoid poor choices
through laziness. There's so much good that comes from choosing
the hard path.
Turning that lesson inward, I stare at my list of hobbies and
cringe. I flounder and fail to progress because I am lazy and do
whichever thing strikes my fancy. I need to be deliberate in my
practice or study. I need to do the hard things. Lets see what
I can do with that principle and some motivation.
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