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                         Real Viruswriter's Guide
                                 ver. 1.0

                        by Burnin' of UNKNOWN Prez
                              April 3rd, 2001
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 Introduction
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There are several writings out there which deal with the personality and
desires of viruswriters. Some are humorous, other are serious. Some presume
that viruswriters are sick, other are trying to prove otherwise. But I've
never seen a 'real' file about viruswriters. So, here's one.


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 Real viruswriters
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Real viruswriters are at least 15 years old

Real viruswriters are named after tough movie characters or Iron Maiden songs
  Real viruswriters with humorsence write their name in hex or key codes

Real viruswriters use SEH in their viruses
Corollary: real viruswriters know what SEH is

Real viruswriters are also cypherpunks
Corollary: they never use something as trivial as PC-Secure
Corollary 2: they find that NSA sucks

Real viruswriters not only code in assembly, but also bread it
Corollary: doesn't matter if a real viruswriter writes a macro virus for Word
  or codes an example program for those who want to learn BASIC, he does it in
  assembly

Real viruswriters think that Mac is the wimpiest thing ever built
Corollary: if a viruswriter is forced to use a Mac then he'll have a heart
  attack in 24 hours
Corollary 2: real viruswriters think that iMac makes a nice aquarium

Real viruswriters think that Winblows is the second wimpiest thing ever built,
  but use it because it's so common
Corollary: they want their creation to spread

Real viruswriters flame you when you enter the scene and they flame you
  because you didn't flame 'em back
Corollary: you get flamed no matter what you do
Corollary of the corollary: the first flamer was a real viruswriter

Real viruswriters know the difference between a virus and a worm

Real viruswriters are proud to be viruswriters and they aren't afraid nor
  shamed to say so
Corollary: if you happen to call them crackers you'll most probably wake up
  in a hospital

Real viruswriters have a website and e-zine, both named after them

Real viruswriters, in the days when Coderz.Net was still up, had sneaked past
  Evul and had their whole 11000+ virus collection on-line

Real viruswriters always have their revenge

Real viruswriters have written at least 3 polymorphic engines

Real viruswriters have written at least 2 compression engines

Real viruswriters know that SCAN is shit
Corollary: real viruswriters aren't afraid to say shit

Real viruswriters know that Norton AV is the worst Norton product ever

Real viruswriters are IRC addicts
Corollary: they're always late

Real viruswriters aren't afraid to use others' ideas or quotations
Corollary: half of real viruswriters mail is devoted to flaming because
  of stealing
Corollary 2: if a real viruswriter would live in a pre-computers era he/she
  would be a criminal or an "inventor"

Real viruswriters think that AVers and AV programs suck
Corollary: real viruswriter's work has retro-capabilities
Corollary to the corollary: a real viruswriter knows what the above line means

Real viruswriters find that every 3rd virus should have a destructive payload
Corollary: every payload they ever created was destructive

Real viruscoders keep a record about other viruswriters and their creations
  to avoid using an already used name
Corollary: they still use already used names because they like to see what
  happens
Corollary to the corollary: real viruswriters like to live dangerously

Real viruswriters read newspapers and operate fast if necessary
Corollary: there's a high chance that half of Bush's voters were actually
  viruses

Real viruswriters can go on-line where ever they are no matter what time it is
Corollary: they practically live in cyberspace

Real viruswriters don't create logs of their virus collection for putting it
  up in their web page
Corollary: they've uploaded everything they got and wrote a program which
  runs the scanners and ZIPs the output if someone uses the 'logs' link
Corollary to the corollary: the owners of VX servers sometimes wish they
  would mess around with something else then virii

Real viruswriters watch horror movies
Corollary: they think that digitized Jason would make a pretty effective virus

Real viruswriters think that the viral stuff in "Johnny Mnemonic" was bullshit

Real viruswriters find that the fact that the hackers in "Hackers" needed 5
 minutes and a dozen viruses to defeat 'GOD' proves that they were wimps

Real viruswriters never hack any systems
Corollary: they infect it with a virus which gets all the necessary stuff

Real viruswriters never, ever, get infected
Corollary: they use someone else's computer for testing stuff

Real viruswriters can name at least 12 reasons why creating viruses is cool

Real viruswriters wear everything that suits their taste and is comfortable
Corollary: IRL you'll never know that you're talking to one
Corollary to the corollary: real viruswriters like 'stealth' in every
  situation

Real viruswriters worship Dark Avenger
Corollary: real viruswriters know who that was

Real viruswriters have any vx-zine ever released

Real viruswriters have ca. 122102 sources
Corollary: they forget to weed their source collection

Real viruswriters find that warez suck but use them because they're cheap

Real viruswriters find that warez puppies suck, but they also find that those
  are quite effective spreaders

Real viruswriters like to use the sentences 'lamer' and 'script kiddie'

Real viruswriters haven't since 1995 written any articles which were related
  to DOS viruses

Real viruswriters know that Bonchev is the shittiest AVer ever lived
Corollary: a real viruswriter "accidentally" mis-spells his name
Corollary 2: real viruswriters never use the word 'boza'
Corollary to the corollary: they know that only really sick bulgarians
  drink this stuff instead of using it as window cleaning liquid

Real viruswriters find that Frisk's a pretty ok dude

Real viruswriters think that real cyberpunks, real pyros and real anarchists
  would be cool if they'd just write viruses

Real viruswriters don't leave the scene for their wives and kids,
  instead they teach 'em to write viruses and bring them into the scene
Corollary: virusing will never die

Real viruswriters listen to hard music
Corollary: they would blow up Britney's head if they could

Real viruswriters listen to such strange music as made by Bang Gang

Real viruswriters know what 'records' are and even own a record player
Corollary: they got it cheap from some x no-name corner shop

Real viruswriters use ACE or RAR or OOP
Corollary: real viruswriters know that ZIP has no other purpose than spreading
Corollary 2: real viruswriters know that OOP is the English version of AMG
  but they still like it

Real viruswriters like to have fun
Corollary: that's the second reason why they write destructive viruses

Real viruswriters like macros for other reasons than virusing

Real viruswriters can spell but tend to use slang in small amount
  because they find it neat

Real viruswriters know that the main purpose of virii is to spread
Corollary: they always have with them a disk which carries infected programs

Real viruswriters know that they are the main force behind AI research
Corollary: they find that US scientists should be shot for taking the credit

Real viruswriters don't brag about their skills, instead they go and
  code something sensational

Real viruswriters like the word 'smooth' but don't use it

Real viruswriters know that every AVer who says "VXers should go to
  jail" stinks because he makes down those who provide him with a job
Corollary: most AVers stink

Real viruswriters are caffeine addicts
Corollary: a real viruswriter can't live more than 3 days without cola
  or coffee (or tea if he's British)
Corollary to corollary: real viruswriters think that in some situations
  it's ok to eat coffee-powder

Real viruswriters have written a virus for every OS they could get their
  hands on

Real viruswriters can code a virus in every language there is but prefer ASM

Real viruswriters have better things to say about ASM than just "it's cool"
Corollary: they say: "It's awesome"

Real viruswriters consider viruswriting to be a form of art

Real viruswriters know that VXers are the beginning and the end and AV people
  set their steps after them and not otherwise

Real viruswriters = BOFHs (or BUFHs) + virusing

Real viruswriters would never work for an AV company

Real viruswriters have nothing against anarchy and/or chaos

Real viruswriters are not punks-who-would-like-to-practice-some-anarchy
Corollary: they are maniacs-who-would-eliminate-the-whole-human-kind-right-
 away


-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 Conclusion
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So, perhaps you'll now watch with a different look at the little virii which
just trashed your harddrive, flashed your BIOS and blew up the monitor.
After all, it might have been written by a REAL viruswriter

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