SUBJECT: WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO AN ALIEN?                     FILE: UFO2839



BY ERIN MURPHY for OMNI



The alien spacecraft settles noiselessly to the ground. Having been alerted by
radio signals several weeks before of the extraterrestrials' peaceful
diplomatic mission to Earth, world leaders stand ready to welcome the
visitors. As the aliens emerge, President Clinton steps forward on behalf of
his peers to greet them. He extends his hand and says . . .

Well, your guess is as good as ours on that count.

Omni asked Clinton recently what he would say to such an unprecedented
delegation. He never responded. Neither did First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton,
Vice President Al Gore, White House senior adviser George Stephanopoulos, or
the members of the cabinet. Health-care reform, the crime bill, and not
invading Haiti do make for a busy schedule, but couldn't they have found just
a couple of minutes to ponder such an intriguing scenario, particularly in an
era when more people than ever before believe that we are not alone in the
universe? Or, for the conspiracy-minded, do they have something to hide?

We posed our question to every member of Congress, to, and we're glad to
report that one intrepid senator from Tennessee sent us a delightful and
insightful answer, welcoming our fictional visitors as only a denizen of
Capitol Hill could. We canvassed staffers in virtually every branch of the
federal government as well, and the three responses prove that while humor may
be rare indeed in the government, it's not altogether extinct.

We didn't restrict our survey to the U.S. government. We asked world leaders,
governors of all 50 states and the U.S. territories, mayors of major U.S.
cities, and influential figures in the arts, science, the media, and other
fields. Four governors and one mayor sent us thoughtful responses, with the
wily governor of Puerto Rico concocting a truly stellar ad campaign for his
island's tourism industry.

We heard from three Pulitzer Prize-winners: Playwright Arthur Miller
delivered a cautionary message to would-be visitors, humorist Dave Barry has
a pressing question of his own, and Bloom County and Outland cartoonist
Berkeley Breathed relayed his version of Opus the Penguin's close encounter of
the third kind.

Cosmopolitan editor Helen Gurley Brown reminded us in her response that
traveling hundreds of light-years must be terribly draining. Not to worry,
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous host Robin Leach and author Harlan Ellison
have figured out the perfect refreshments to offer pinkish extraterrestrials.

Those are just a few of the fascinating responses we received.

Actually, some of the notes from our survey subjects telling us why they
couldn't answer our letter were even more entertaining. James Earl Jones, who
gave voice to the most imposing fictional alien around, Darth Vader, told us
via his publicist that he's "not comfortable with this kind of article and
does not feel he has anything to say in this context. "Maryland governor
William Donald Schaefer "prefers not to comment on possible extraterrestrial
beings visiting Earth. "David Letterman, according to his executive assistant,
is "currently putting all of his energies into making the show a complete
success." We were hoping that Dave would deliver one of his trademark Top Ten
lists, but since he didn't come through, we went ahead and made up our own.

Now we'd like to hear from Omni's readers. What would you say to a peaceful
alien delegation to Earth?

Joseph Duffey
Director, U.S. Information Agency
I would be torn, as many might be, between the impulse to be oh so serious and
the impulse to be very, very silly. In any case, I submit to you two
greetings, one for each impulse: "At last! An impartial jury for the O.J.
Simpson trial." Welcome, strangers. Were you lonely, too?

Jane Alexander
Chairman, National Endowment for the Arts
I would say, "Let me show you what it means to be human." And then I would
take them to the theater, the symphony hall, the opera house, the movies, the
museums. I would show them our great architecture and design, read poems, tell
stories to them, take them to see the paintings of da Vinci, Georgia O'Keeffe,
and Picasso, to a Greek tragedy or a comedy by Shakespeare, to hear Louis
Armstrong, Mozart, and Oklahoma! I would show them the grace of dancers, the
elegance of a bow passed across the violin's strings, and the profundity of a
child drawing a picture of her mother. And then, after a crash course in our
culture, when the gain insight into our imaginative life, our truest
expressions of our humanity, I would ask them: "What is art where you live?"
And I would hope to be swept up by their story. And I would hope that we could
go on telling each other our stories long after they had intended to fly away.

Leonard Nimoy
Actor and director
Due to language barriers and other sociological considerations, it is highly
unlikely that we will have any success with verbal communications. I have
therefore handed the assignment to my friend, Spock, who is highly skilled in
nonverbal diplomacy. I have great trust that he will handle matters
successfully.

Berkeley Breathed
Cartoonist, Bloom County, Outland
Priorities would have to be decided, of course. Naturally, official victim
status would need to be established, a grievance group founded, and
letterheads designed. A suitable term for their minority would need to be
determined even before their feet, or tentacles, or ambulatory hair follicles
reached the ground from their craft. For instance, "alien of color" or
"noncolor" if pigment-challenged. The Los Angeles Times would have to be
informed of these terms and their stylebook appropriately changed. At that
point we could move forward to nailing down a merchandising deal. Anything
else would be small talk.

Pedro Rossello
Governor, Puerto Rico
Friendly star-travelers arrive. How do I greet them? All right. Let's see.
Well, I guess I could do worse than to give them our standard treatment . . .
"Welcome to Puerto Rico, the United States' Island of enchantment in the
Caribbean Sea . . . and--since the honor seems to have fallen to me--on behalf
of all God's creatures on this planet, welcome to Earth." Assuming they
understood that much in either Spanish or English. I might then be inspired to
add . . . "Don't take this wrong, esteemed visitors, but your decidedly
extraterrestrial appearance--coupled with your magnificent vehicle--have given
me an irresistible idea: Could you possibly stay around long enough to do a
couple of tourism-promotion commercials for us?" What an opportunity! I can
see it now:

                               for a certifiably
                               OUT OF THIS WORLD
                               Vacation Experience
sail, fly or warp-speed yourself to the Cosmic Continent of Puerto Rico!
"Great folks. Our favorite Earthlings." -- The Alpha Centauri Six

Obviously disposed to humor the homeboys, our guests readily assent. Then,
after I scramble my troops via cellular phone (trying to assemble a camera
crew at 3:00 in the morning), we engage in some small talk while waiting to
shoot the immortal endorsement spots. Sure enough, I ascertain that our sunny
soil has been selected as Landing Site One because the first Search for
Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) signals they received were transmitted
from the world-famous radio telescope situated in the mountains above arecibo,
Puerto Rico. What a deal! Are we on the map, or what? Is our admission as
America's 51st state a cinch, or what? Am I as good as re-elected, or what?
What, what, what? Alas, the alarm clock rang and I woke up. But it sure was
fun while it lasted.

Arno Penzias
Vice President of Research, AT&T Bell Labs
Personally, I'd like to make sure that both sides got a lot of preparatory
material before the folks in question actually set flipper on the Earth. Given
their evident technological superiority, we would probably have to take their
peaceful intentions at face value and help them get as much data about us as
they would care to have. Hopefully, that would give them enough insight to
avoid triggering a social calamity when one of them gets on a talk show, or
meets an overly ambitious politician. Assuming then, that I could leave such
practical cares aside, I'd tell them about our attempts to find the meaning of
life. Like us, they probably know more than they can prove. Perhaps we can
find some common ground in our contemplation of the universe we both inhabit.
I'd sure like to find out.

Dave Barry
Humorist
"Do you guys have cable?"

Paul Bohannan
Anthropologist and writer
What would I say to an "extraterrestrial delegation" visiting Earth? It seems
to me that it makes little difference what we say. Far more important is that
we listen and pay attention to what we hear. The most important single factor
would be overcoming our fears. Human nature developed evolutionarily in
situation that made it wise for us to distrust strangers. First contact
between Columbus and the Caribbean natives began on a friendly note--but both
were soon overcome by fear; the situation deteriorated fast, and Columbus
kidnapped several of them. The Pilgrims were greeted in English when they
landed--a local Indian had spent twenty years as a slave in England,
recognized them, and could talk to them. Unfortunately we have no record of
what either of them said. Cortes had a clumsy system of interpretation (from
Aztec to Mayan to Spanish via a Spaniard he had  "rescued" after some years
among the Maya, including a Mayan wife). The major question: Who is going to
be the interpreter? Do we trust the interpreter? How do we deal with our own
terror that these extraterrestrials have come to destroy us? How do we keep
from mobbing or killing or enslaving them? The problem is with ourselves at
least as much as with the aliens, no matter what problems they present. We
have to be sure we understand what, if any, problems they do in fact present.
What we hear from inside ourselves--our own fears--is or far greater moment
than what they hear from us (and, without that interpreter, wouldn't
understand in any case). Only then can we talk to them!

Bruce Campbell
Actor, The Adventures of Brisco Country, Jr., Evil Dead
If friendly aliens happened upon our planet, my message to them would be very
simple: "What took you so long?!"

Kirk Fordice
Governor, Mississippi
"Welcome to the State of Mississippi, one of fifty United States of America,
on a planet known as Earth, third planet from the sun, located in this
beautiful outer fringe of the Milky way. We greet you in peace. We welcome you
in the same adventurous spirit that led you to break away from your home
planets--if indeed you come from planets--for we have a history of courageous
adventure all our own. Our country was discovered by a man who bravely went
against conventional wisdom that the world was flat in order to found a New
World--America. Brave souls from all continents of Earth left the only homes
they had ever known to come to this New World in search of freedom from
oppression of all kinds: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men
are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain
unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of
Happiness.--Declaration of Independence. We welcome you also in the names of
the brave men and women of Earth's space programs, who gave enormously of
their talents and lives to reach the moon and beyond. As you pass our only
natural satellite, please note the American flag symbolizing the "giant leap"
of faith, resources, and determination we made in achieving this victory over
the cold void of space. I deeply regret to say that it has been almost a
quarter of a century since we have ventured so far out again. This is
attributable to the shortsightedness of many of our past and present elected
leaders. It is my sincere hope that this, too, will pass and that, once again,
we will take to the stars in quest of knowledge and excellence--and the many
benefits that obtaining such knowledge bestows on all humankind. We commend
your obvious technological achievements from which we hope to learn. We invite
you to sample the great literature, artwork of all kinds, pinnacles of
philosophical and religious thought, and marvelous botany and wildlife
comprising our planet and history. Where a world and a species of enormous
potential. If you come to evaluate us, judge us on our successes as well as
our failures. While we have not always made the best use of our potential, we
are a species of much courage, capable of great understanding, conviction, and
achievement."

Harian Mathews
U.S. Senator, Tennessee
I would welcome extraterrestrial visitors to Washington, DC, by telling them I
thought I'd landed on a different planet myself when I came here two and a
half years ago. If they'd arrived during some days of the 103rd congress, I'd
have asked for a lift back to Tennessee. They'd probably be dropping Elvis at
Graceland, anyhow, and my native Nashvill is on the way. My first words would
be directed to my fellow senators. I'd say that if extraterrestrials can
traverse a galaxy to reach Capitol Hill, Republicans and Democrats should be
able to cross a carpet to reach a compromise. 1994 was an election year, so
extraterrestrials might be mistaken for newly arriving senators and
congressmen--many of whom already are suspected of being from another planet.
Of course, the extraterrestrials probably spent less to get here, and they
arrived by spaceship, whereas politicians usually reach Washington by telling
voters what an awful place it is. Most of all, I would welcome our new friends
with a particular hope: that the people of our worlds--not the governments or
ambassadors but the everyday folks who constitute the life of worlds--will
share wondrous possibilities. I would assure them we are not perfect nor is
our Earth ideal. But I also would say there is something in humanity that
tries to rise above our shortcomings. For that, we are worth knowing. I would
add my hope that the meeting of our worlds will make us both better than we
are alone.

Douglas Rushkoff
Author, Cyberia: Life in the Trenches of Hyperspace
My response may come off as flip at first, but it really does encapsulate what
I'd say if they came: "Please pardon our appearance while we remodel."

Tome Servo
Urbane robot co-host of Mystery Science Theater 3000
Okay, first of, let's not make the classic and erroneous assumption that
anybody who's able to hurl a can a few dozen light-years is automatically
smarter than us. I mean, sure, it's a momentous occasion and all, but we don't
have to fall all over ourselves to show them how friggin' great they are, do
we? I think you should let me handle this. First, I'd open with a joke. Let's
assume that if they're so damn smart to come there in the first place, they'd
know a little of the local tongue. If the aliens had butts, I might try the
classic, "Can I touch your butt?" That'd catch 'em off guard; it always does.
If they understood this risky yet sensitive greeting, they might immediately
sense our strength and vulnerability, the essentially dualistic nature of the
earthbound, eternally struggling for balance and equanimity, grasping for the
serene supernal, yet mired in he physical plane, the poignant, ironic,
fragile state of the world community. Then perchance they might offer us their
butts to touch, and a new age for humankind would open, the childhood endeth,
the future made manifest, a communion transcending, beyond time and space.
Then again they might hit me and go right back where they came from, so I
probably wouldn't open with, "Can I touch your butt?" Probably don't have
butts anyway, poor misshapen geeks . . . I'm sorry, what was the question
again?

Walter J. Hickel
Governor, Alaska
In 1936, I graduated from high school in Claflin, Kansas. I remember our
teacher telling our graduating class that within our lifetime, man would walk
on the moon. Now Claflin, Kansas, which is populated by German Catholics, was
a very religious community, and any talk of man going to the moon--God's moon-
-was not warmly received. But I could picture it in my mind. I saw it as clear
as a bell, and knew it would happen. Thirty years later, as Secretary of the
Interior, I stood at Cape Kennedy and watched as Apollo 11 lifted off,
destined for the moon. Since that time, I have been privileged to sit on the
National Space Board, where the focus of our mission was to design the first
manned colony on the moon. I have always believed that mankind should strop
warring and, instead, channel our energies into pioneering projects that serve
the progress of civilization. Whether that civilization is within a region, or
across international boundaries, or interplanetary, is not what's important.
My message to such a delegation of extraterrestrials would be: "We welcome you
in peace. We have much to learn, and much to teach."

Arthur Miller
Playwright
"Go back! Go back! You can get killed her!"

Edward G. Rendell
Mayor, Philadelphia
After a quick hello, I'd ask them if they had a cure for AIDS, unemployment,
crime, drugs, hopelessness, and the breakdown of the family. Hope springs
eternal!

Steve Allen
Writer and comedian
To Our Visitors:
We have translated the key part of your recent message as, "We are peaceful,
and we're dropping by for a visit." If ours were a largely rational universe,
your statement could be taken at face value. But our own judgment, on Planet
Earth, must inevitably be conditioned by long centuries of experience, and it
had been our finding that such protestations, when made by Earthlings, have
often been lies. If you are indeed peaceful you are unlikely to consider us
warlike. This is not because we fear you, and this largely because we know
practically nothing about you. We assume that because you have managed to
reach our part of space, you far exceed our own competence in matters
scientific. This, in turn, suggest that your intelligence is superior to our
own. Unfortunately, there has been no necessary connection, at least on our
planet, between intelligence and virtue, so as regards your either short-term
or ultimate intentions, we can do little more, for the present, than hope for
the best. But I must issue a warning, and it is one that I hope you will take
seriously. In saying this I intend no threat; I do not warn against acting on
such aggressive tendencies as you might harbor but rather of our own long
habituation to the most bloodthirsty behavior. There is scarcely a page of our
history that is not stained with blood. Secondly you should be aware, for your
own protection, that of all the hundreds of thousands of living creatures you
will find on our planet, we humans are, beyond the slightest question, the
most dangerous. It is true that there are other creatures that can inflict
harm, but they do so purely in self-defense or in accordance with their own
nature, to satisfy their hunger. That fearful creature known among humans as
the man-eating shark, for example, knows nothing of the human emotion of
viciousness. He si simply dangerous to other creatures when he is hungry. The
aggression of animals, therefore, is entirely understandable. The more ominous
aggression of humans has a large component of irrationality to it. You will
not even be able to depend on out acting in self-interest, for if that were
our only concern we would scarcely ever have initiated a war. And yet wars
have not only sporadically broken out to separate long periods of peace: it
has rather been the other way around. War seems to be our natural state, times
of peace come about because of either emotional, physical, or economic
exhaustion. Except for a few of us--who are often harshly criticized--we
humans do not seem to have any natural aptitude for peace whatever, partly,
perhaps, because peace is a blank, a negative, and absence of something,
whereas war is concrete, definite, and active. You will find that we humans
are remarkably gifted at waging war, whereas we are clumsy amateurs when
maintaining a peace. There is a certain amount of grim humor, I suppose, in
the possibility that, although we have traditionally, historically been
embroiled in tribal rivalries, your unexpected coming may serve to bring us
together  by forcing us to realize that we are, after all, one human family.
But whether this happy outcome results or not, I would suggest that you do not
long turn your backs on us. And yet--such is the mystery of life in our
peculiar corner of the universe that many of us are also capable of the most
exquisitely tender concern for our fellow creatures, an ability to love that
extends even to the lesser animals. It is from this primary, primitive
emotion, I suspect, that there comes our sometimes astonishing ability to
create beauty, whether that attribute takes the form of painting, music,
sculpture, poetry, drama, or any other art. Perhaps the greatest favor you can
bestow on us is to share your opinion of the purpose of life, for we have
neverknown what it is. There is no shortage of theories, of course, but they
are legion and many are mutually exclusive. It is tragic, in fact, that some
of our most savage wars have been among groups that differed in regard to this
one basic question. Most of us, in the total absence of an ability to explain
either the physical universe or the reason for its existence in the first
place, simply assume that there is some all-powerful spirit that has created
literally everything. But even our most intuitive theologians have always been
at a loss to explain why a benevolent deity would create poisonous snakes and
spiders, deadly plants, and billions of bacteria and viruses that will kill
millions all over our planet. It follow, therefore, that if you are in a
position to enlighten us on such age-old questions, we will be profoundly
grateful.

Helen Gurley Brown
Editor, Cosmopolitan
I don't mean to be too sensible or realistic, but I doubt I would be able to
get anyplace near the peaceful extraterrestrials who visited Earth. They would
immediately be snapped up by Hard Copy, Prime Time, 20/20, I.C.M., Creative
Artists and other talent agencies, Elite and Eileen Ford and other modeling
agencies, and asked to be quests of honor at a dozen fundraisers . . . how
could you get to them? If I eve did, I would just say, "Hello, I'm glad you
finally got here. Are you feeling jet-lagged, dehydrated, or debilitated in
any way from your long trip? It's nice to see you."

George Carlin
Comedian
"Get out! Go back! Save yourselves! You don't know what you're getting into.
Prolonged contact with our species can only degrade your present standards,
whatever they are."

Bernard Shaw
Principal Anchor, CNN
I would not assume the delegation could speak or understand English. Nor would
I presume to be Earth's spokesman. I would run!

Brereton C. Jones
Governor, Kentucky
I was extremely intrigued by your question of how we would welcome an
extraterrestrial delegation visiting Earth. If a member of the delegation
stated, "Take me to your leader," I could explain that I am the leader of a
proud group of people known as Kentuckians. I also would explain that we are a
peace-loving people, and we are interested in learning about the other beings
in the universe. In addition, I would want to give them two items that I
believe would best explain who we are as a country. I would present to them a
copy of the U.S. Constitution, and a copy of the Bible. The Constitution, I
would tell them, is the compilation of rules that we as a people have chosen
to follow. The Bible, I would continue, is the compilation of rules that our
Creator has chosen for us to follow. I would explain that we do not always
abide by all of these rules, but that we are striving to do so, and that is
our ultimate goal. Then, I would conclude by inviting them to stay awhile, and
sample some of the many advantages Kentucky has to offer. They are simply out
of this world!

Chuck Yeage
Brigader General (retired) U.S. Air Force
It would depend on who, when, and where. In my opinion one cannot predict what
one would say to a bunch of extraterrestrial being unless we knew a few things
about the conditions of the meeting.

William Beecher
Director, Office of Public Affairs for the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission
My first instinct was a flip response. "What would you like for lunch?" But,
since you're obviously serious, I would ask how we could put together teams of
outstanding specialists from a cross-section of disciplines to explore ways of
trying to improve the quality of life on each planet, based on disparate
lessons learned in science, medicine, history, literature,and the arts.

Harlan Ellison
Writer
If, by some frenzied desalination of our murky gene pool between then and now,
exultantly ridding us of our hideous and undying xenophobia, I suggest that we
go out to meet them buck naked, our hands empty and palms up, extended and
open. And I suggest we say only this: "Help us. We are very young and we want
to know." Alternately, if we don't get the clean-up time, if it happens
tomorrow or Thursday, then there is only one thing we should say to visiting
aliens, and it is this: "So? You had a nice trip? Are you tired, want to wash
up, have a bite to eat? A nice piece of brisket, maybe, some fresh fruit?
Sweetheart, you'll suck an orange, you'll feel so refreshed! Then we can
chat."

Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Poet
Who could translate?

Robin Leach
Host, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
"Welcome--we hope you find us peaceful, too. What took you so long? We always
believed you were out there! Would you like some champagne and caviar to
celebrate your arrival? Then we have a million questions to ask you;
especially, how long have you existed and how long have you known about us?
And did you see E.T.?"



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