I lay there, as I have for some time now, nothing has changed in the
time I've been here. I can see and hear the world pass me by, but I can not
move to do anything about it. I can not speak, nor do anything on my own.
Tubes bring food into my body, tubes push the air of life into my lungs, and
machines keep my heart beating.
I see the ceiling most of the time, occasional a nurse will close my
eyes and I will "sleep". Though I can't open my eyes on my own, they open
themselves. Then, after they've been open for a while, I regain a sort of
consciousness.
Some times the nurse will come in and sit my bed up and turn on the TV,
and some drab programs will flash by my line of sight, and I will lay there,
as I always do.
The days that hurt me are the days my mom comes to see me. She talks
with me, GOD! How I want to talk back to her, but I can't. After a while she
starts to cry, she always does. I can feel the tears in my eyes, but none
come, they never do. My mom will cry until she has to leave and then say, "I
love you...." I love you too mom, I love you very much. How I hurt. My
physical pain does not exist, but mentally I'm torn apart.
"He's not shown any improvement, he's brain is dammed beyond repair, he
is brain dead." came the words as my consciousness came back again. "What is
your decision?" I could just make out a doctor talking to my mother. My
mother looked at me, those eyes, so wet with the tears of her pain. Why could
I not cry for her.
My mother signed a paper, and broke down crying.
The doctor went of to the side of my bed, and I heard a click. What
could he be doing. Then at once I knew. I no longer heard the ping of the
heart monitor, the air pump no longer pumped the blessed air into my lungs. I
heard my lungs force themselves to work, my heart struggled to beat long
enough, long enough for what?
"I love you mom." the words came from my mouth with purpose and pride,
"Thank you..." my mom smiled back at me her eyes sad to see me go but happy
to know I was happy. "...I'm free..." those last words were something I've
waited to hear for so long.
I realized then that I not been truly alive, I was just holding onto a
flame that should have gone out long ago, I'm free. The last thing I heard
was my heart beat, one last strong time, and then I was a peace, so was my
mother, and that's all that matters.
The sky was dark and dreary. I felt the oppression of my labors upon me,
how could I have been such a fool al this time. "Easy" I say to no one. I
always fall for that face, no matter what happens. I am the ultimate fool.
I can still see her looking at me, that face that could change my life,
though never for the better. I often wonder what I see, or what I think when
she's around, but of course I don't think, my will is her's to command.
But once I leave and get into the trouble I always seem to bee in I
realize what a stupid idea that what I'm doing is, but of course then it's
too late.
Then I'll go to her and say something like "I can't believe that you
sent me into that!" or "What are you crazy, I could have been killed". But of
course I never say any of these thing, she just looks at me and I think how
selfish I've been and how much I just want to help her again, "Not this
time." I swear to any god that may be listening, "Not again!".
But these are fools words, I know that will happen.
"There you are, I was hopping you would be here soon." comes that dulcet
voice, I knew she was near, I could 'feel' her.
"Come in from the rain before you get sick." She beckons, she sounds so
sweat, so alone, so in need.... no I can't fall again.
But alas I go in the door, she holds my hand as she leads me into the
house.
"Hold me." How can I resist her request, I hold her, her body warms
mine, my aches and pains fade away, along with my will. I know already that I
am her's.
"You've been hurt so, let me heal you." She says taking off my shirt.
"Your wounds run deep this time, but I'm sure I can help you." she says
making it sound like I owe her something.
As she binds my wounds I let my mind go to a better place, a place I
hope I will one day find happiness in.
"You will heal fine, as always my pet. Now easy my needs." She says with
a longing look, "Satisfy the fire that is my desire." she smiles with her
little rhyme. She reaches over and unbuckles my paints, as easily as she
unbuckles my will. What follows can only be described as my total giving of
my essence to her. She takes my will then my body. I don't want to give, but
I must.
"I love you." she says as she drops off her what little remains of her
garments.
"I love you." I say as I pull out my gun, "But I must do this."
She looks at me, as if she had not seen the gun, but she knows it there.
She stands and raises her arms up, "Do what you must."
Pulling on the trigger is like pulling solid steel. I begin to doubt my
own strength, but at last I win, the hammer pulls back then slams forward
with a satisfying BANG.
"I love you." she gets out in a guttural blood chocked voice as she
slides to the floor.
"I love you" I say, almost said to see her lying there dead. "I hope to
find that place I dream of." My final words to the world as I pull the
trigger one last time, this time the barrel points towards me. Funny that I
find it easier to pull the trigger when the barrel is pointed at
me..........
