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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #46 |
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- Country Music Saved My Soul -
By Beaker
This is my fictional tale about my brief but enlightening trip to Hell.
Yes, it's kind of obvious where this story is going, but there are a few
surprises, so pay attention, ok? Fine then, here we go. ..
__________________________________________________________________________
It was just a regular Saturday morning. I woke up, got changed, ate some
sort of food substance for breakfast, and headed downstairs towards the
computer room. I had no idea that my life was about to change in a matter
of minutes. As I flicked on the power switch on my computer, the whole room
filled with a light, a kind I had never seen before. Then, without warning,
Satan pops out of my moniter. Now, it isn't every day that Lucifer himself
appears before you, let alone out of your moniter, so of course I was a bit
fascinated.
I asked him what he wanted. He said "You are scheduled to die. Time to
claim your soul. " Well, I wasn't about to die without a fight, so I
grabbed a knife off my desk (yes, I happen to have various types of
weaponry lying around my room for an incident such as this one), and
plunged it deep into his chest. He flinched, then laughed. "Puny mortal,
you cannot be rid of me so easily", he said as a portal in the floor
opened. He then grabbed me and jumped through the portal.
I saw a bright flash as I passed through, then my eyes began to focus
again. I took a quick look around, and comfirmed what I thought had
happened. I was in Hell. Limbo, as I prefer to call it. It isn't really as
anyone figured it. It's basically...nothing. Nearly nothing anyway. No fire
and demons like we were led to believe. It was basically just miles and
miles of plain flat land. As Satan led me through Limbo, we arrived at a
group of holding tanks, which held the souls he captured. These tanks were
labeled, as to identify the different types of souls he had. As I passed
by, I saw "Accountants", "Lawyers", "Door-to-door Salesmen", "Used
Car-Dealers".
Then we reached the tank labeled "Politicians". I looked inside, and saw
thousands of politicians, whether they were senators, mayors, governors,
vice-presidents, presidents, or whatever. They were all sitting there,
passing a joint, and laughing at how every one of them had screwed over
Amerikkka.
I looked away, and couldn't help but shiver at the sight of them. Then
Satan spoke, "Ok, we've arrived at our final destination. In you go. "
No. I wasn't going to die like this. It must be a mistake. It must be. I
even explained this to Satan. "Satan NEVER makes mistakes, eh!", he said.
At that, I frantically began to form a plan of escape. Then it dawned on
me.
There was only one thing that could save me now. Country music. There was
only one problem : I didn't have a guitar. Thank god Elvis was there to
give me his (wait a minute, what's Elvis doing in Hell?? Hmm...)
So I played my song(I call this song "My wife's a fucking BITCH!"):
o/~ I'm tired of working my ass off
For some crappy, cheap-ass pay
It's time to break out the ammo
Cause I fell like a'killing today!
(refrain)
Oh, I never thought my life would turn to shit
My life was fine, I paid my dues, I wasn't even rich
But that fateful day that I got married I found
My wife's a fucking BITCH!
Well, I grabbed my knifes, and I grabbed my guns
And went out in a psycho-rage
I saw an old lady across the street
And killed her with my twelve-gauge
Then I went right back to my place of work
Saw my boss as I opened the door
Took a big-ass knife and gutted him good
Left his entrails all over the floor
So I went back home and found my wife
She looked all nice and neat
I ripped out her heart and cut off her head
And had a nice meal of fresh meat o/~
With that last note, Satan screamed in agony. "You're too annoying for
me!", he said. He snapped his fingers, there was another bright flash, and
I was back in my bed. I thought it was a dream, until I noticed Elvis's
guitar on the floor. ..
__________________________________________________________________________
Well, that was the day I made history as the first soul to be rejected
from Hell. So remember, if Satan ever comes to claim your soul, turn to
country music as your savior.
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