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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #34 |
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Stan The Flying Roach
The Full Story
ALL true
except for the good bits
by Locutus of Borg
In the beginning, Stan was just an ordinary roach. Born in a crack
in the basement floor at the Johnston estate, he did normal roach-type
jobs (but who cares what those jobs were, anyway). Stan was quite
satisfied with being an ordinary roach, until his entire family started
becoming missing. You see, the Johnstons hated all insects of all sorts,
and so they would happily step on the first insectoid they would see.
Stan's entire family was never found, and was thought to be victim to the
Johnston's evil doings. This got Stan rather riled up, and he decided he
had to do something.
He hopped up the basement steps in a rather roach-like matter, and
peered out into the living room from under the door. He saw the family
sitting on huge soft platforms (which he called "couches") watching some
big box on a table. He pondered how any somewhat thinking creature could
sit around all day and watch a box. He first thought the entire family was
stoned, or on some other type of numbing drug, but this proved not to be
the case. But he saw them plop in front of it, day in and day out,
practically worshipping it. And so he thought of his plan.
He speedily jumped from the step to under the couch. Lucky for him,
no one even noticed. He continued to scurry along, down to the
TV/Stereo/VCR rack. When he arrived there, he poked his antennae out. He
knew he was being watched, and his stomach sunk. It was Jimbo Johnston
watching our hero, the dumbest of all the Johnston clan, perhaps the
dumbest human creature ever on the planet. This little perverted goober
proclaimed it fun to capture roaches, pull off their legs, read them
various verses of the Bible to the tune of Psalm 69. Nutty boy.
Anyhow, our hero knew he was in some major trouble. His mind raced
for options as Jimbo raced for the tweezers. So Stan lept into the TV/VCR
rack, behind the VCR itself. He decided that hiding behind the surge
protector would be a great plan in the interest of stealth. Stan heard
Jimbo lumber back, tweezers in hand. His parents informed the idiotic moron
our hero had hid himself valiantly behind the VCR. So Jimbo thrust his hand
in the rack, blundering about with the metal tweezers, probing for any
sign of Stan.
Stan saw this, and lept on the tweezers to prepare his daring
escape. As he did, the tweezers found a target--the two big holes in the
power outlet. Jimbo got the brunt of the current and he received a quick
and cheap labotomy from it. Not like he lost anything from it. He fell
back, still shaking from the electricity. While Jimbo did that, the TV and
VCR both exploded in a blinding ball of energy. The explosions did a
pretty good job in toppling the rack. Stan was shocked immeasureablly by
the current, but it rearranged his brain in such a manner that his
intelligence greatly eclipsed the human brain (which isn't much, anyway).
The electric waves also caused his legs to spasm, which resulted in his
blasting off from the rack. His tiny body hurtled from the rack, just as
the rack toppled over. He hurtled along at terrifing speeds towards Mrs.
Johnston, which resulted in his bonking of her with his knees, then he
bounced off her unharmed. Now, Mrs. Johnston had a nice burn mark in her
forehead vaguely roach-shaped. Then he finally landed (well, crashed) on a
windowsill to get his bearings.
Upon further experimintation, Stan could control his flight speed
and direction. He took off again for the living room to see how much damage
and carnage he had acutally inflicted. He was met with the sight of a
hysterical Mrs. Johnston, a evenmore vegtable-like Jimbo, and a bewildered
Mr. Johnston. The two parents consoled themselves on the loss of their
television set. They rushed to collect the fragments of the television, in
the false hope it might be repaired. They picked up the comatose Jimbo and
threw him across the room to clear a path for them to collect the pieces,
and in the process he broke a few of his ribs. Stan smiled wickedly to
himself, as he knew that he had exacted his revenge against the evil
family. He grabbed the tweezers as a trophy and flew back down the stairs
to his home. He was hailed as a hero by the entire insect community. But
now he had superinsectoid powers, he felt he could do so much more. So, he
packed his possessions up and left the community, to help insects
worldwide.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Like you care.
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