PETE AND BERNIES PHILOSOPHICAL STEAKHOUSE.
ISSUE 3, AND IT'S 1995 BY JINGO!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Written and/Or inspired by:-
D.L (that's me).
Pee Wee Lee (he's a little guy with a big heart)
Yoshi Tateshi (or something else I can't spell)
Sven Spangler (He's a twatter, or rather not to date)
Pete Murrey (of Murrey mint fame)
Bernard Bressley (of Carry-on 'oaf' fame)
Special guest star...
Ben Ohmart
Also staring...
Pippa Henderson (as Connie the Maid)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Foreword
Well kiddies Christmas is over and I hope Satan bought you all what you
wanted. I wanted a PPC upgrade for my LC475 but the bastard didn't bring me
one, I also wanted Mariah Carey but she was off stealing babies and so I
didn't have her. I don't ever fancy Mariah Carey, she reminds me too much
of this guy who used to play Bass in a band I was in a few years ago.
Well, our numbers are swelling and the subby's are still rolling in. SING
HOSANNA!
This issue will be jam packed with folly and I hope you like it.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article one: 6 American Gladiators pummelling a corpse with a oar.
FILM STAR FACTS: This week it's Michael J Fox.
1) Michael J Fox is the finger puppet of Satan.
2) Michael is slowly regressing. He was born a fully grown man but will
die a foetus.
3) Michael loves nothing better than stroking the smooth scaly skin of a
MantaRay.
4) Michaels favourite sport is Tiny Discus. His favourite discus is made
from the top of a Smarties tube and has the letter K on it. He once threw a
Smartie top with the letter J on it but was dismayed to see it return,
boomerang like, to him whilst striking a small child in it's course. This
is an ongoing trauma to Michael.
5) Michaels favourite sound is that of the men working in the chain gang.
6) Michael expresses himself through a series of whine-like noises emitted
through his nose.
7) Michael's sister is none other than British tit sensation Samantha Fox.
You may remember Samantha from her 1988 pop hit's 'Touch me (I want to feel
your body)' and 'Jizz in my pubes (but the pant's stay on)'. She is now a
successful zealot.
8) Michael put his ear to his wall once only to hear a murder in the flat
next door. When he went round there to tell them to keep it down he was
dismayed to find John F. Kennedy shot dead and an unknown man (later
identified as Burl Ives) with a big fancy gun in his hand. Michael phoned
the police and they gave him a 10 dollar cash reward which he spent on
cakes from a new cake shop which had just opened round the corner. And he
has an unusual way of proving it.
9) The J in Michael J fox stands for Jehovah.
10) Michael got arrested once for syphoning dish water from a dead seagulls
belly. It was a fair cop.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article two: A steam powered nose is OK John, but you'll never make a
living from it.
Things you never see on TV at Christmas....
* Liza Minella being raped by a gang of Portuguese dwarfs.
* Andie McDowell sitting on a Rabbi's head.
* Michael Nymans Hyman.
* A large building falling into the hands of a small child.
* Russian police laughing at Nine Cats.
* Douglas Barder wheeling himself into a burning building and emerging with
nothing on but a tutu and blonde wig.
* Keith Moon throwing paint at a crow.
* Her Majesty the Queen spitting at a painting of Sting.
* A 40ft clock which is permanently seven minutes fast.
* Various crabs running to feed a cow.
* An Eskimo staring spellbound at Carp.
* A large man in a Blue leotard throwing midget's at a clown.
* A painting of a fist next to a duck.
* Five guys named Moe.
* Ice Cube saying 'Flan' to a Jew.
* David Hasslehoff being force fed girl scout cookies.
* A large bag to 2 year old girls.
I mean , what is wrong with TV in England, it's just so bloody crap!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article three: I love children, physically if need be.
Christmas parties are not neat, they are shit. It's always the same deal,
you go, get messed up and leave feeling like a twat. It always starts off
promising, you are suave and undrunk, but as you get drunker you start
being a mite Len Fairclough and then things start getting out of hand.
you think you are being cool but with hindsight you realise this is not the
case, it's like 'HEY I LIKE YOUR DRESS!!' and the girl looks at you and
goes '???????' and starts backing off like she's just entered a room full
of Alien Cacoons. We are all no good with pick up lines though, at parties
we try to be so supercool but we have NO FUCKING IDEA. And it's always the
way that the girls who try to dance with you are dog ugly and the ones who
don't want to know are really cute and you end up shunning the ugly ones at
the beginning of the evening but by the end you think that all the girls
look good because you're really really pissed and you end up with a really
ugly girl and then you get nowt anyway and we don't really expect it
because we're not like that but when we're drunk we can't help but want to
have sex and if, by some fucking miracle, we did get to have sex we'd be so
drunk that we wouldn't be able to do owt.
The worst part of Christmas parties is the following day when you realise
just how much of a twat you were. the previous evening everything seemed
just dandy, you were thinking how suave and sophisticated you were, but
when you think back on it the next day you see it with brutal clarity. And
if you see anyone else you met at the party on the street at any time in
the following 3 weeks you must avoid them because even though you can't
remember too much you just know that they would have been taking notes or
something and will be able to give you a detailed, blow-by-blow, account of
just how much of an asshole you really were.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Four: Piggie KILL
Sideburns are shitty and I'd never have them. I shave off my sideburns but
if I had to grow them I'd definitely go for the Dr. Phibes all-the-way
under the chin double-flange arc sweep style. None of my friends have
sideburns except Richie who used to have double-humperdink one-inchers
which looked a bit silly.
Of course another ideal solution would be the Graham Gardner pork-chop
semi-split 2-way-binge-burn style.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Five: Michael Douglas caught propping up a pie with gum.
FACTS FOR YOU TO SAVOUR- They're interesting, informative, and
fundamentally wrong.
* The three most known words in the world are 'Coke', 'Beatles', and
'Vague'.
* the fastest animal known to man is the aardvark.
* Douglas Barder is the Holiest man in Britain.
* Film 'mogul' Otto Preminger has the largest collection of latex in the
world.
* Light is seven times faster then soap.
* Ketchup is made from a mixture of ants blood and vinyl.
* Bruce Forsyth invented sound.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Six: Grown Men in love with insects.
INTERNET: Corruptor of children.
The internet. Harmless fun? As more and more people get onto the
'information motorway' the trade in hardcore kiddie/anal porn is
flourishing. Dr Keith Thisstlewaite, our resident expert in all matters
pornographic, takes a look at the way the new technology will set out to
corrupt our youth and, possibly, destroy life on earth as we love it.
--------------------------------------------------------------
(Exclusive extracts from 'Internet:Corrupter of society', published by
Faber and Faber, �19.95, available in shops now)
The internet. Harmless fun? As more and more people get onto the
'information motorway' the trade in hardcore kiddie/anal porn is
flourishing. For the last week I have been looking very hard at pornography
on the internet and my findings are sure to shock Dad's everywhere.
USERNET NEWGROUP GROUPS- The starting point for any pornography sick hunter
of flesh will undoubtedly be Usernet groupnews news (or WWW for short).
Here you will be confronted with images so sick that it would not be fair
for me to describe any of these shit-in-the-mouth, donkey-dick-up-a-girls-
arse type pictures all of which are a simple click away. With sick
Usenewsgroups such as:
Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.donkeys.dicks
Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.girls.drinking.monkey.piss
Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.girls.shitting.in.blokes.mouths.
Parents can't help but feel week and sick. If the abundance of sicko porn
on the useusenewsuse groups isn't enough for these sick men then the next
step is what's referred to by perverts as FPT sites....
PFT sites: It is believed that there are over 120,000 hardcore,cum-in-hand,
porno TCP sites on the internet. These sites can be accessed by children as
young as 5 and contain some of the worst examples of degradation known to
man, all at the push of a button. You would think that with all this
pornography that these PTP sites would try and keep quiet about their wares
but the truth is far more sinister. With one simple post, asking for
addresses of such shite, to the USENEWS group
alt.binaries.pictures.cartoons, I received literally thousands of replies
detailing the exact whereabouts of somewhere in the region of 900 hardcore
FTF sites. Shocking. Within an hour I had 'downloaded' over 500 pictures,
that's 1000 megabits of shame, which I immediately printed out and took to
my local police station for further action. Suffice it to say that within
the hour the police had arrested the perverts responsible and seized over
9000 floppy dicks full of these sick images.
So where is this technology leading us? To the very core of hades. I
believe that without some legislation, or even better simply cutting the
internet up with big wire-clippers, the world will end by the year 1997 at
the latest. Think about it. ACT NOW. Stop these perverts while you can. but
how? you ask. Simple, nip this sick wave of electronic porn in the bud,
kill the bastards responsible and anyone you find partaking. This is the
only way we can beat it.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Seven: Falling to the floor with mutton in my hand, treated like
Kermit.
Barbie rocks, Sindy's Shit. This may seem like a pretty fucking sweeping
statement I'm making and you may wish me to justify my feelings. The
situation is this, Barbie is cute and has a long graceful neck but Sindy
has a shorter neck and a square head and that shit isn't attractive it's
diabolical. Ken is a twat and I'm not saying that because I'm jealous at
all I'm just saying it because it's true. Barbie has only made 2 big
mistakes
1)The glitter hair look. This is the 90's honey, one look at your glitter
hair and you'd think it was the early 80's again.
2)Bedtime Barbie. the Barbie I know doesn't wear a pink sleeping bag to
bed, she wears pyjamas, preferably black silk, so put away your fucking
sleeping bag Barbie and get on those sexy things I bought you.
Apart from Bedtime Barbie and The glitter hair look Barbie has always had
her finger on the pulse of fashion and for that she must be thanked....
-----------------------------
Dear Barbie,
Hi, I am a big fan of your, how you say, cute bunny ass. You rock bitch and
here in Oslo we love your sexy looks for a sexy look doll you rock bunny-
honey. How you come over to Oslo and meet your many fan, we lick you bunny
ass and spread your bunny legs honey and we make you have sex with ken, at
gunpoint, in the Barbie camper van,it's so big.
We love your baby plastic titties, they are so small and they look like 10
year girl but we like plastic titties with no nipples like your Barbie
titties we love so much.
Please you write me letter and I use it for masturbation purposes and my
friends and we all have satan dance round letter and kill children for use
please you do?
Love
Sven Spangler.
Oslo.
----------------
Dear SvvEn,
Unfortunately Barbie cannot answer every letter she receives personally but
please except, on her behalf, a signed photograph of the worlds favourite
doll.
You will be pleased to know that in 1995 we, at Mattell, intend to bring
out a whole new range of accessories for Barbie and we hope that you will
enjoy these as much as you have enjoyed our previous successes.
Yours sincerely,
Kelly Anderson (on behalf of Barbie)
Head of Marketing,
Barbie Division.
Mattell toys inc.
---------------------
Dear Barbie,
I have written letter you and sent but you not answer me and bitch Kelly
Anderson she write for you and I want you write me or I kill Kelly bitch
for stopping you write.
I love you much Barbie and I think you not read my letter I sent and I told
you I wanted to meet you and you are pretty and I love you but Kelly bitch
make me angry and I tell friends and we dance satan round fire and say
'Kelly Anderson she die' a thousand times and she die?
you write back to me personally and I come to see you and not I kill you.
Love,
Sven Spangler.
Oslo.
----------------------
Dear SvvEn,
Unfortunately Barbie cannot answer every letter she receives personally but
please except, on her behalf, a signed photograph of the worlds favourite
doll.
You will be pleased to know that in 1995 we, at Mattell, intend to bring
out a whole new range of accessories for Barbie and we hope that you will
enjoy these as much as you have enjoyed our previous successes.
Yours sincerely,
Kelly Anderson (on behalf of Barbie)
Head of Marketing,
Barbie Division.
Mattell toys inc.
------------------------
Kelly Bitch,
You stop writing me and let Barbie write me or I kill you.
Svven Spangler,
Oslo.
--------------------------
Dear SvvEn,
Hello. I'm barbie. I got your letter. I love you. You are my best fan. You
wrote to Kelly. She's my friend. Please don't write to her anymore. I am
very busy. Please don't write to me anymore. Please. FOR GODS SAKE LEAVE US
ALONE!
Barbie doll.
----------------------------
Dear Barbie,
I leave you alone alright, in you grave. You don't fuck with me, I the
Meatrack master. You must die and Kelly bitch, she die too. I come to get
you Barbie Bitch. You don't and mess me and I get so very angry and the
voices they start and I kill you.
Sven,
Oslo.
-----------------------------
Sven,
As the legal representatives for Mattell Toys inc it is our duty to inform
you that your letters harassing Miss Kelly Anderson, an employee of Mattell
Toys inc, have been filed safely and will be used in evidence against you
should you persist in writing letters of this kind.
I must warn you that the offence you are committing is a serious one and
may result in severe fines, or even a stretch in jail. We trust that you
would not want this situation to go on any longer and are therefor sure
that all correspondence to Miss Anderson will stop henceforth.
Your sincerely,
M.T.Cockburn,
Gangtire and Brown,
New York.
----------------------
Mr. Cockburn,
I no write more. I'm sorry. I will kill you not and not Barbie and not
Kelly bitch.
Sven.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Eight: Anna Chlumsky with a smile and a prosthetic dick.
Here are 5 surefire ways of getting the sack (you know, from work and that)
* Rape your bosses daughter. Or better yet rape your boss.
* Run into an important meeting and shout to your boss 'It's your wife and
kids.....they're DEAD!' and then run into the corner of the room and
gyrate.
* Order 400 boxes of expensive Chocolates on the consumable budget and fill
his office with them with a note saying 'from an admirer' and a picture of
you in the nude with a large erection (unless you are female in which case
a picture of Bill Clintons head superimposed onto the body of a priest (or
something))
* Steal a company car and crash it in a ditch with a note blaming your
boss.
* Use your bosses PC to FTP to a hardcore site and then leave it overnight
downing every file they have. When your boss arrives in the morning be in
his offices wanking over them, tell him what you've done and then invite
him to join you for a gangwank.
That should do the trick....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article nine: Men desperate to disguise their shiny scalp.
We have noticed that P&B has gone right downhill as of about two articles
ago and we would like to get it back on it's feet again. You will be aware
by now that the distribution has increased, and in return fir this we want
to offer you more. In order to do this, however, we need to know what type
of things you want us to organize. Accordingly we would appreciate you
taking the time to fill in this questionnaire.
Here is a list of the types of events we have thought about organizing.
Please indicate which ones you would be interested in (mark as many as you
like):
Silly sport's day (It's a knockout) ________
All day ice skating ________
Ten pin bowling ________
Skittles ________
Talking loudly at geese ________
Demonstrations against injustices ________
Craft fair/sale/jamboree ________
Various all-star extravaganza's ________
Theatre trips: Musicals ________
Comedy ________
Drama ________
Live sex shows ________
Mass suicide ________
Badger bating ________
Games of soggy biscuit ________
Swimming in piss ________
Dances: Disco ________
Barn dancing ________
Moshing ________
Cheese evenings ________
Cock fights ________
We are considering the possibility of perhaps buying some items of perhaps
DIY or sports equipment maybe for hire to readers on the cheap perhaps.
Do you think this is a fucking dope idea? YES/NO
If so please let us know which items you would find useful
Carpet/upholstery cleaner ________
Paint stripper ________
Barbecue ________
Baseball bat's ________
Whores ________
Winged mammals ________
Would you consider becoming part of Europes biggest porno mag
library? YES/NO
Isn't P&B the biggest pile of toss you've ever seen? YES/NO
Thankyou for taking the time to fill in this questionnaire, please E-Mail
it to someone (NOT US) who may be intensely confused by receiving it in
their mailbox.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article ten:......
Mr Ben Ohmart, who you should remember from the short story last issue.
Mailed us another one and I like his short stories so here is the new one.
I feel I must warn you that it's not like the other articles in this E-Zine
(but if you read last issue you'll know just what to expect)....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Silky
by ben ohmart
I was watching as she finished up, "- great hair. Go out and get it."
Then she smiled for years going on days, but I still didn't like that fleck
of white that was gracing her cheek. Moving around. Looking some kind of
nomadic pimple that you can't even squirt. A speck of light. I told the
director she looked like a Crawford slut-alike (who herself was coasting on
Marilyn Monroe's facial disfigurement with that huge black mole; a black
mole in space, ha, ha), but he said he liked the take, and what am I? Just
a guy moves the lights back and forth. A nobody with the kind of opinion
that makes you feel like a bus driver. Always the same route. Never go
where you want.
So the bitch got up, and creased her cheeks because you've got to get
like 10 to 15 full seconds of smiling at the end so that editors and tv
programmers have something to cut, so I knew her smile had cut into the
bone.
Matter of fact, she was bleeding in the cushion of the best white towels on
the market. The kind that feel like tissues but you wouldn't wipe your ass
on them. She went back to her cart. A mobile job that worked on a battery
and had lit mirrors and powder cakes of some kind of sizes. Strange. Looked
real bulky on that cart, as she lifted out. Matter of fact, the fucking
thing was making all kinds of whirring noises I just didn't understand
right then, like there was more weight on it than usual, as she went to the
trailer that was hers for the weekend shoot. She still had some close-ups
to do, but the director needed a whack off, and told everyone "Coffee!"
I got the power cable finally. Did the adjustment, because what my
"boss" didn't see for the next shot, he wouldn't care about. But that damn
spot of light... well, I had to fix it. Then, when I was working, did I
hear, like everybody else, the scream. And you know it's not a sound stage,
because they Always close them things up when the shooting starts. For some
reason, didn't sound like a shot to me.
Police kept us till the sun changed with the moon. Union says we go
off payroll at 7, and I don't have a life. I traded off to be kept a
"material hearer" for a gaffer who needed to get home who now owed me a
favor, so I told them 23 times what I heard, what I saw when I opened the
trailer. Gave them my motive, which was nothing, gave them my opportunity,
but too many people saw me from around the desert cart which was I don't
know where, since it moves all the time. Still I'll never forget the look
of that mega-model's bloody scalp. It was a joke some just don't get. I
mean, the red brains were just flaking off, and there'd be specks of
cartilage or something dripping down when they moved her onto the corpse
cart, except she wasn't dead. Mumbling. I remember wishing horror movies
could've been this realistic.
They won't.
I told my "version" to the guy in the tie who arrived sipping coffee.
They called it my version 'cause some of the other riggers, and a black
cameraman who kept saying he was Real disinterested but still stuck his
nose around, they kept changing their stories slightly as the night wore
them on. Eyes sagging or bagging, but I would usually work through the
night. I was used to this kinda shit. When you're paid to make night seem
like day, you get to know the moon intimate. I wasn't tired, and kept my
story the same. Damn shame, 'cause then I was the first let go.
Got back to the shack, really my library of lightbulbs and wires that
nobody can ground but myself, but the attic was feeling cold. Couldn't get
the sight of the supermodel out of my head, because I'd heard about the
others. Shirley MacLaine had lost hers. And I'm not being sexual. Then
somebody called Vanity, though I really doubt this one even Exists, because
I've never seen her. Then Miss Playboy for Jan. '89. Never touched the
twat, and only 1 was dead from it. Don't really remember which, but the
fact that they'd All been scalped for some reason drove me to no thoughts.
Had to go out to fill my head. I was suppose to be working on this flying
saucer model that lights up when it crashes into a kid's head. Had the foam
mask of the child from the horror film sittin' right here, to compare to,
to see if it fits. But I couldn't concentrate, went down, had a beer and a
slab of canned ham, couldn't get the awful truth out of my head.
Los Angeles is something hard to figure out when you see it in the
dark. The streetlights suck for that eerie effect, and if there's a
principal between lights, you're screwed. So I couldn't see a single
drunken face. One of LA's many respected citizens. I call 'em that 'cause
they're paid to stay on the streets, and I think that's mighty white of the
government. They think a lot of them.
I remember the smell, and thinking "this doesn't smell like death.
Doesn't smell like homeless." So I remember pausing for a few minutes for
them to get it right. Bastards didn't even try.
Park was great at this hour, because it felt deadly. I mean Really.
The fog of the early morning was like a sweat over the whole congregation
that was here. You couldn't go past an empty bench. Thought I saw a raped
girl in the bushes, but, you know, ha, ha, that's what I say is great 'bout
lighting! Wasn't anything there at all!
Though in all honesty, there was a couple of dangerous guys over to
the left of a clump of trees, sitting in a landscaped flower bed, chewing
on the leg of a dog that was still moving from loss of blood. Dog had a
collar that glimmered to me something as I passed. One of those cute names
ending in Y, like Fluffy, though that's cliche nowadays, but I could just
visualize the red face of the little girl, waiting up for a dog that
wouldn't come home. Or if it does, limps all the way in. That's drama. Now
that's drama, and I had to appreciate it.
The path went along, longer than I expected, except that I didn't
really need to get back. I'd locked the door, I was heading in the studio's
direction anyway. You get to the studio earlier, you can parlay more jobs
by jacking off people's egos. Even if My "boss" wasn't going to be in till
after 6:30, I could still get some supplemental income. Was then I passed
the nest. Looked interesting. More than that. Made me stop. The guy just
looked at me.
I could see his turds all around, like some kind of zoo, but I've
personally always found people much more interesting.
"Fag?" he asked with an English accent, and held out his hand. I
shook my head. What else could I do? He was perfectly lit, and I could see
the scalps, the fresh, most time blackened hair sets that kept him from
being literally on the street.
-------------------------------------------
The end.... Thanks Ben.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article eleven: Incredibly strange people marching to glory.
There is this new book out called 'How to make love all night' but don't
bother buying it! In this article I will give you all the advice you need
to 'fuck' all night.
So, Lads, you're out on the piss and you get pulled by a lady and she drags
you back to her flat and you know that she wants sex. What happens now is
you simply make your excuses and go to the bathroom, you may be some time
so tell her you have the shits or something. When you get to her toilet
beat off and shoot it all out. Then go back to her and if, by half an hours
time, you still haven't had sex simply go back to the bathroom and shoot
vinegar again. Then when the sex commences you will have no 'sperm' to
'ejaculate' and will therefor be able to maintain your sexual prowess for
hours. In the following days she will still live in hope that your
performance will be matched while you go back to your 'five minute shuffle'
pre-vinegar shot routine.Simply.
But what advice do we have for the ladies? Simple, just lay there and
pretend, blokes are gullible bastards.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Twelve: Bottom toys!
THE FILMS OF MARTY WILDE.
MARTY GOES BANANAS (1903)
This hilarious spoof of the day has Marty pitting his wits, again. They
love 'em all and in one sense he eats. Not for the squeamish, this film,
directed by none other. You'll laugh one minute, laugh the next, but in the
end you'll only cry as this film get's worse and then better and then a bit
worse. Again.
Love him or hate him, or simply have no opinion of him you can't help but
feel for Marty going banana's in the bahamas.
THE LOVE AFFAIRS OF MARTY WILDE (1881)
Why did the vicar cross the road? To see this film. This is the best of a
bad crop, but still miles better than many other films on the big screen
today. Who would ever believe that from such a humble origin Marty would
rise like a phoenix only to die very shortly afterwards. A good film, sort
of.
MARTY AND THE CASE OF THE MISTAKEN IDENTITY (1988)
Marty was good in this film, but nice hair as well, mmmm.
Critics were derided. This film was a flop. Critics walked out of the
cinema in a straight line and panned. Marty's fans were most surprised to
see marty in their bathrooms with a can of beans, and arthritis too.
A very poor film with a subliminal message. I don't repeat.
MARTY GET'S A NICE CAR (12BC)
In this film Marty goes one stage further, with hilarious consequences in
his pocket, in his lifetime, and in trouble.
We love you Marty, we do, Oh Marty we love you, critics were heard to cry,
but to no avail, Marty had had enough. Too much, too soon, I'm afraid, So
was Marty, but of what indeed? Marty was second to some, top to others, and
bottom to all. Indeed.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Thirteen: Leonard Cohen in padded Y-Front shame.
STAR INTERVIEW: This month its... WHITNEY HOUSTON!
P&B: Hi Whitney!
Whitney: Hello.
P&B: It's great to get this interview with you.
WH: It's great to be back in the UK.
P&B: So, when in the UK where do you hang out?
WH: Well, I love to see all the sites in London.
P&B: Do you go to Soho?
WH: No, not really?
P&B: Well, it's sleazy, you wouldn't want to go there. We hang out there
all the time, in peep shows and strip joints. They're OK but the beer is
pretty expensive. I heard you used to be a stripper.
WH: No, where did you hear that?
P&B: I think Darren told me, but he's pretty sick anyway. He has this
really sick sex fantasy about you. It involves jumping from the roof of a
church with a Monocle on his left eve and landing on your naked corpse.
He's a sick little fucking monkey.
WH:......................................................................................................................................
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
..............................(approx. 7 to 10 minutes
silence)............................................
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
P&B: Whitney. WHITNEY! Are you still there? (I think she put the phone
down)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article Fourteen:Falling to the floor with a goose in my hand, treated like
marzipan.
TELEVISION: FROM IT'S INCEPTION TO PRESENT.
Television is part of our everyday life, and it's importance looks set to
increase during the later years of the 20th Century. Not only can
Television be used as a learning aid for the young but it is also an
important reference point for generation after generation. Most events in
our lives can be matched to specific events, be it fact or fiction, which
we discovered through this great medium. News also reaches our homes very
quickly with the aid of television.
The Concept of televisual communication is a simple one. The television
screen is made u of many little dot's called pixels, which each display a
different colour and when all these pixels are together on the same screen
we can see the whole image. Television images are generated from
transmitters, scattered around the country, and these signals are picked up
by your ariel on the top of your house, sent down a cable in code until
they reach your television screen, or CRT, where they are decoded and shown
in a coherent form which we can all comprehend, that of crab.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article fifteen: If I had a hammer, I'd hammer at 3:30 against a priests
foot.
QUEST FOR PERFECT LOVE (parts 1-3)
We were in Spain and we were playing pool. It was me and gary and this girl
came out on the balcony in her underwear and started to dance
provocatively. You know these bands they have at cheapo hotels in Spain.
They always play 'Quondo Quondo Quondo' 'Quantanamera' and any other songs
beginning with 'QU'. So they were playing 'A kind of magic' by Queen and
this girl came out and started dancing provocatively. Like shimmying and
shit. And she was a lot older than us and really cute but I thought that I
would like to meet her. So, by counting up what floor she was on I
determined the number of her room to be 59 or something. however, I told
Gary and we laughed.
Later that night.....
We go to the pub, it's called Rocky's and it's one of those English pubs
over in Majorca that they have. And Gary and I had already had about 4
Whiskys wen we got there at 11:00. 3:00 in the morning and Gary has passed
out in the Pub's toilet and I'm settling the tab (about a tenner). So I
hoist up Gary and we leave. He sobers up a bit and we stagger down the road
and, eventually, get back to the hotel room. We are both very trousered. I
pick up my video camera and proceed to film the carnage when I have the
boos idea of finding the balcony girls room.
So....I'm walking along the corridor in the hotel filming, and trying to
find her room and I think I find it and I'm shouting and shit and I don't
know whether I have woken her up or not but I don't care. I go back to the
hotel room and fall into bed and sleep.
There is no next day.
The day after that when we wake up we decide not to go back to Rocky's and
spend the rest of the holiday in the bar at the hotel. I never saw the girl
again and I would expect that I am lucky that her boyfriend didn't kill me
because I was making a lot of noise outside her room. The funny thing is, I
have video evidence to substantiate my claims! So I was waiting to play
pool and this little spanish girl comes over and gives me the cue. She
looks up at me and I melt. I was in love. The only minor problem was I was
19 and she was about 12. But trust me it wasn't a sexual thing, probably.
So I tell Gary and he laughs and cannot believe it. So I refer to her as
chocolate because I don't know her name and she made me melt, and her eyes
were chocolate brown. So I want to see her again but I don't know where she
is and she has too go to bed about 9 I would guess because that's when her
mum came to get her. So I see her a couple of times and these young English
boys are hanging out around her and I am angry with them but her mum comes
to get her, and she hands me the cue again and I gaze into her big brown
eyes and her mum shouts at her in spanish and they leave.
So there is this outside pool table and Gary and I are playing pool and
these real Spanish Guido's want to play and they think they are so cool but
Gary and I are drunk and they challenge us. They are cueing for about 10
minutes and taking it all really seriously but Gary and I are just joking
about and pulling off the most futile but successful shots ever. And we
win, big time and they are not pleased because Gary and I are laughing all
the time and being really stupid but they are very serious and these
Spanish girls are leaning out of their bedroom window being flirty with us
and I think they wanted us to film them, so I point my camcorder up at them
and they start to flirt, and I like this and so does Gary but the other
guys don't and later on when we go to bed we talk about them and say that
we should try to chat them up the following day. And so we go out the next
morning to the town centre to see if we can buy some records, but I don't
have much money, which is a shame. But we pass the girls in reception and
they all have not very nice teeth but they have nice bodies and black hair
and they are cutting a dash. And they look at us and I think that we are
on, but I am a bit reluctant because I have a girlfriend back in England
(this was 4 years ago) so I don't make a play. And the tour rep sees us and
hassles us because the day after we got there we were supposed to be going
to one of these meetings where they tell you about what great excursions
you could go on, but we don't show because we can't be arsed so she put a
note under the door telling us to go to the next meeting and we didn't show
at that one either for the same reason so this day she grabs us and starts
to get arsey and we realise that we had better go because if we don;t she
will not help us f we get in the shit which is, after all, what she is paid
to do so we tell her we will go to the next one. And that was on the next
day. So the next day comes and we haul our arses out of bed and actually go
to this meeting thing and she sits there and talks for about 30 minutes and
we decide to go on one of the trips so we pay he. But we only decide to go
because we think that what she is saying, the way she was saying it, was
very amusing so we laugh a lot because we have paid to go on this trip and
also make her like us. But it means we have to get up and about 8 in the
morning in a couple of days time. And we keep joking because she was saying
about this boat ride 'Oh, and then the boat turns the corner, and...'(and
this is in a broad Yorkshire accent, and trying to really build up a
tension), 'Well...what you see then, well I won't tell you but it'll take
your breath away' an I turn to Gary and say 'yeh, it's Mr. Wimpy giving a
blow job to Charlie Brown' and we laugh. And lot's of the time we talk
about Charlie Brown and Mr. Wimpy. And we think that Charlie Brown is the
sexiest cartoon character because his mouth is so sexy and we think that.
And so we go to this meeting and pay the lady our money and I still think
that she doesn't like us because we never bothered to go to any of her
other meetings but we looked around and there were not many cute girls
there and it was called the Hotel Lancaster and they had a 'Miss Lancaster'
competition and Gary and I wanted to see it so that we could check out the
girls but we didn't go in the end and I think we went to the pub instead or
went to watch the football. They were showing the football in the TV room
and it was the world cup semi finals and England were up against Germany
and we sat there and it was a lot of German people and a lot of English
people and we were all shouting and going crazy and things were going amok
and it was a very good time and we pretended that we knew all about
football but the fact is we didn't but we pretended like we did. So we are
sitting there shouting along England and all the Germans are going crazy
because, of course, they wanted Germany to win, and we were dismayed when
they did, though it was very close. So we decide to go to the pub but we
know that the next day we have to go on this trip and so we get an early
night. And we go to bed but we keep joking with each other about things and
it ends up that at 6 in the morning we get an alarm call but we are still
awake so we decide to go out and get something to eat and some cigarettes
because I didn't have any and so was forced to smoke the butts in out
ashtray. And we go out but all the shops are shut and so we can't get any
food or drink or cigarettes but the man in reception let us buy a packet of
crisps and in Spain the packets of crisps are really big and we get the
crisps and eat them all up but it leaves our mouths very dry and in the end
time comes to go outside and get on the bus and go on the excursion.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article sixteen: Brilliant whites at a price that'll fuck you up.
Well, you know Jazz mags? (porno mags for those who didn't read last
issue). Well, if you actually read them you will know that a lot of the
text in them is mind-buggeringly funny. This article is a collection of my
favourite quotes from Porno mags, our female readers may be amused as they
probably don't read 'em, I find them funny anyway. (p) stands for 'Phone
sex line advertisement' and may have some further description of the ad
where necessary, (a) stands for other advertisement, (s) is for story or
article. Here goes....
* "These furless minxes are ready to except your seed"-Phone sex ad.
* "Untamed Nympho munches macho stud meat"-mag cover
* "Give the gift of Snizz"-Mag subscription offer.
*"YOU pick the hole, I'm in no position to argue with you"-Phone sex ad.
*"I just come to USA, Want big boom boom"-Oriental phone sex ad.
*"Polish my bootie!!"-Phone sex ad.
*"I love to rub my love nub while I talk nasty to you on the phone. Call me
and shoot your cum on my chest and I'll lick it up. YUM!!"-Phone sex ad.
*"Not justa horny experience but also an unusual, beautiful, and moving
one"-Ad for 'Pregnant love' Video.
*"These are the horniest Grannies in Europe and they're out to prove it"-
Ad for 'Granny sex' Video.
*"Our girls are sordid, filthy, tarts. They will use words like prick, nob,
wank, cunt, and fuck until you've spunked all over your hand!"-Phone sex
ad.
*"Depravity knows no bounds"-Ad for 'Heavy leather' magazine.
*"Vampire lesbian sucked my cock"-Ad for phone sex.
*"Marina is a 28 year old dark haired Polish girl with several long hairs
on her breasts"- Video ad.
*"She's beautiful (don't believe me, take a close look at her)"-Video ad.
*"I love to drink lot's of water and wet my panties"-PHone ad.
*" BANGED UP AND WANKED"-Phone ad.
*" Oyster Joyster"-Phone ad.
etc...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Article seventeen: A 14 necked dwarf being thrown at Berlin.
So that's the end again. As you can see, the 25 article ideal is dead for
good now. A short issue? No shorter than issue one but a bit shorter than
issue two.
Other stuff you should know- The next issue will be posted from a new E-
mail address so I may have to send one or two test messages to sort it out
before it all works but I'll try and keep it to a minimum of two.
If anyone wants to 'rap' for a while I (and possibly Pee-Wee) will be on
IRC (irc.demon.co.uk) on the 15th January 1995 at 10:00-11:00 pm GMT in the
channel 'pab', I'll be on as pete (as I usually am) so why not stop by and
chat about 'stuff'.
Any articles you want to send me should now come to the new address which
is...
[email protected]
I pretty much need some articles so if anyone wants to write anything then
that would be great.
Look out for a mention of PAB in '.Net' Magazine in the UK in January as I
wrote some stuff for it but don't know to what extent my contribution will
be included, I'll get a plug for PAB though so that's good, and at best my
full article will be included (and it looks pretty good at the moment).
The WEB page, provisionally titled 'Pete and Bernies Philosophical web
page' (or 'Fish, fur, and feathers' if Darren gets his way) should be up
sometime in January and will be 'all that', more info next issue as I'm
working on the web page as I write.
Also look out for an on-line interview with me (DL), PeeWee, and Svven in
the next issue of 'zone'. 'zone' is an E-Zine I think but it may be a paper
zine I'm not sure. If you know what 'zone' is then look for it but the full
interview will be on the web page, sorry to be vague.
Also keep an eye open for two new E-Zines I'm currently working on which
will be out in February. Ones called 'Psychobabble' and is basically a
collection of press cuttings I found to be scary in a manipulating sense,
and 'Uncle Boulans mini golf heaven' which is a collection of
Autobiographical stuff people will (hopefully) send in.
Check ALT.ZINES for further info and they will also be plugged in Jan's
'.Net' (I hope).
I also hope to post a mini-issue (Issue 3.5) to ALT.ZINES as a taster and
really an extended ad for the zine. I wont send it to subscribers though,
if you want it check the newsgroup late January.
Anyway, enough plugs (etc), and I'll see you next month.
Later!
D.L
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
