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"How Could Hell Be Any Worse?"
The zine created by and October 17/18, 1992
virtually maintained by ALL? NO, ALL!! #1 First issue! Oh
The Kokomo MOD Crew. joy! Another zine!
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POINT OF THIS E-ZINE
To cause awareness of the mighty ALL to the general public. If you know nothing
of ALL or the Basemaster General, you are correct in reading this.
STAFF:
Wooden. Metal? Half a tree? Wizard's? What? I give.
Seriously:
Matt - head honcho of the whole thing, most ALLular (listened to Descendents
for 2 years, ALL for 3 months). Can be reached at 2@13750 WWIVLink
or 2@3173 VirtualNet.
Net - Trent Reznor of Indiana: one of his MODs won the America Online MOD
contest, summer of '92. Co-member of Count Zero, along with Matt.
Thinks Matt is a complete freak.
Neuro - organizer of the Kokomo MOD Crew, which is himself and Count Zero.
Only recently set on the path to ALL (this summer), Neuro has learned
much, but not ALL about ALL. His BBS, the Matrix, (317) 455-0165, is
an invaluble asset to the Kokomo area, and to some who call from far
away. 1@13750 WWIVLink, 1@3173 VirtualNet.
INFLUENCES:
Descendents/ALL (duh)
NIN
Ministry
*** BIG BLACK *** <-- my personal favorite industrial band
The Replacements (Twin/Tone era)
Fugazi
Too Much Joy
The Spooners
Black Flag ("Damaged" era, Matt influence only)
Being really pissed off at women
Being rejected by women
Wanting to take hold of a blowtorch and kill everyone (CZ's "The Blowtorch
Song")
Matt's attempts to prove the non-existence of love
Denial of love, renouncement imminent
Alberich and the Ring of the Nibelung
Odin and Thor
Milo and Otis
Milo Bloom
Milo Aukerman
Asking people why Aukerman left the Descendents
Asking people if Tony Lombardo is still alive
Hating metal (Matt and Net)
Hating Halloween and the stupid traditions
Trying to score a hit from Steve Albini
Opus
Bill The Cat (for his intellectual qualities)
Steve Albini himself for hating everything
Bad Religion for our credo
A lot of other things
1.1 ................... Greetingage
1.2 ................... Slam List
1.3 ................... Reviews
1.4 ................... Mistakes We Have Made
1.5 ................... How To Just Say No, Thank You, You Scum
1.6 ................... Why?
1.7 ................... Can You Ski?
1.8 ................... ALLularity
1.9 ................... Milo Aukerman's Corner
1.10 ................... Goodbyeage
1.1 Greetingage
Hi. This is Matt. This is so much fun. Well, it will be when we start typing
things that actually make sense. This zine started from the ashes of another
trap I set for myself, so let's ALL enjoy it at my expense.
So. There's this girl I wanted to date. I swear.. I'm going to bloody give up
soon. On dating at ALL. I no longer care enough to put myself through it.
Bloody pointless waste of time, scrabbling over trying to impress a girl JUST
long enough for her to divert her attention to some subhuman prep school grad,
who invariably wears what he thinks is a cool sweater. Goddamn bunch of clones,
the lot of them. If it's always going to be this way (why not? has been
continually so far), then to hell with it.
Anyway. She and I talk for about a week, then I take the dive of calling her.
Big thing with me, calling girls. I fear the phone sometimes. So, I gather my
courage to call. I call, we talk for ten minutes, I'm doing fine. Then she
says something about some dude, and I ask about him. Guess just what the hell
she said. Guess. I'll bloody tell you what she said:
"Oh, he's my boyfriend."
I was proud of myself to no end. I kept my cool, and, without missing a beat,
replied, "Oh. Cool!" and kept talking. I don't even think she realized that I
liked her, which is both relieving and depressing.
After blasting S.O.D.'s live album for an hour, I felt slightly better. Then
after I ripped hell out of my room for awhile, I felt better than before. I'm
still pissed at myself for wasting both my time and hers, but oh well. I'm such
a fool. I bought ALL's new album, _Percolator_, today. I don't feel like
hearing it right NOW, however.. hopefully before the night's over. Right before
I began typing this all up, I was working on a new MOD. Loud, brutal, and
unforgiving.. I guess it's what I'm subconsciously trying to be. I've devised a
new motto for my half of the CZ/Kokomo MOD Crew MODs (I may .GIF this): "Brutal
Music From A Brutal Person." Better than "Cows Go Moo." Even "Cats Have Fur
And I Don't" is better than "Cows Go Moo."
Enjoy the damn issue, I didn't.
1.2 Slam List
Today, as you go through your daily life, keep in mind that these things and
people are worthy of scorn:
Life
Pretty girls that don't like you
Ugly girls that do
The Pixies
Top 40 Radio
AOR Radio
Any damn kind of radio
Paul Westerberg
Joe McCarthy's ghost
fIREHOSE
Women that fake orgasms in crowded restaurants
Mornings you wake up in a pool of snot/puke/blood
Mornings you wake up at all
The Pixies
Joy Division
Rap
Fraternities/Sororities/Other Savage Xenophobic Cliques
People that take S.O.D. seriously
People that take ANYTHING seriously
The KKK
Fascists
Buster Poindexter
The Pixies
Mindless people that must be told what to do and when to do it
Eccentric college professors
ANY college professors, except those cool ones that you actually learn from
Body Count (not because of the controversy, but because they're not that
great a band)
People that worship Ian MacKaye
People that worship ANYTHING
BBSers that don't have a clue as to what the hell they're doing
Arrogant people
Non-arrogant people
Any person that pisses you off
Any person that pisses ME off
People that breathe really loud
Churches
Puking
Being in love
School
The government
Rednecks
Lame music stores
Indiana
(Did I mention the Pixies?)
1.3 Reviews
SOUNDS:
(Note: None of these are necessarily new. Live with it.)
Chris Mars, _Horseshoes and Hand Grenades_
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I don't give a damn what anyone says about this album; it is a work of ART.
No wonder Westerberg threw Mars out of the 'Mats (which was just before the
band broke up.. duh).. he was afraid of being eclipsed by Mars.
Mars can equal Westerberg's writing prowess, no problem. He also has
musical diversity in his effluvia than Paul has had in his entire body in
the last few years. From rockers like "Popular Creeps" and "Ego Maniac"
(both of which possibly tributes to Westerberg) to slower tunes like
"Don't You See It", Mars evokes a wide range of emotions in the listener.
From contempt for the arrogant stars of "Popular Creeps" to pity for "Don't
You See It"'s misguided subject, the feelings are powerful, indeed.
There are some problems: Mars isn't necessarily a better singer than
Westerberg; he rather sounds like Eddie Money at times. Some of the songs
sound VERY similar.. one would think they're almost the same one. But,
these can be overlooked, as it's just an excursion into Chris' mind.
(released on Smash Records)
Don't waste your money. Bob Mould was better with H�sker than with this
lame-ass band. And Bob STILL can't sing worth a damn. It was cool in
1984, not so cool now, however.
(released on Rykodisc)
ALL, _Trailblazer_ (live album)
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Steadfastly holding to the ALLular traditions of coffee, food, and girls,
ALL blast their way into New York's CBGB's on this '88 live recording
(didn't I say that none of these would be new?). Some songs are the only
recorded accounts of new vocalist Scott Reynolds singing them, such as
bassist Karl Alvarez's "Skin Deep" and "Hate To Love", and drummer Bill
Stevenson's "Just Perfect". "Skin Deep" and "Hate To Love" are too
heart-felt not to be derived from some true experience; "Skin Deep" is
about being attracted by a woman's outer charms, and finding that she lacks
anything inside, while "Hate To Love" is simply about being rejected and
agonizing over it. Reynolds' "Box", which would, at first glance, appear
to be a song about a homeless person, has some reALLy cool talk breaks in
the middle, where Stephen Egerton's guitar gets partiALLy dischordant, and
somewhat metALLic. Another couple of standouts are live versions of
Stevenson's "She's My Ex" and Tony Lombardo's "Man-O-Steel". Things are
closed out appropriately with the Descendents' "Theme" rewritten by its
original author, Lombardo (who is NOT a member of ALL), called "Gnutheme".
Egerton's guitar cooks on this one. A FINE album.
(released on Cruz Records)
ALL, _Percolater_
-----------------
Not the jazz-punk fusion I had feared. As a matter of fact, a DAMN good
album. Not in your face kind of music, rather kind of fun. "Hotplate" is
a dedication to an eatery of some sort and its owner, who Stevenson is
apparently obsessed with. "Gnugear (Hot)" is a kind of stupid joke-like
song about a guy that goes to buy new guitars and can't even tune one.
"Minute" was musically my favorite.. key of E, some cool changes in that
one. Also lyrically (kind of) fit my situation. I still miss Milo, but
while Milo was more of a screamer, Scott Reynolds is actually a singer.
But don't get me wrong, Milo eventually got better.
(released on Cruz Records)
BOOKS:
Get real. We're based in *^&$%^$ing KOKOMO. Think about it. We have one
real bookstore. And even that's in the state's scrubbiest mall.
Sorry. Kokomo's half-life makes me reALLy aggro.
SIGHTS:
I haven't seen anything lately. Nothing really pertinent to the genre
released here. Gee, what a surprise.
Oops. Attack of the "I Hate Kokomo" syndrome again.
1.4 Mistakes We Have Made
Matt - "The major mistake I made was wasting my time on that one chick and
probably pissing her boyfriend off. Oh well, I'm taller than most
everyone she knows, and I've probably seen her with him, so, BFD. I
wish I was dead, though. But that's not why. I'm just sick of
life. Maybe next ish will have Neuro or Net in charge. But, then
again, as has been pointed out, suicide in Kokomo is redundant.
We're dead already."
Net - "Not getting a Pro Audio Spectrum instead of a Soundblaster at the
start of summer."
Neuro - "Not getting a loan from the bank for a 1 gig HD. Also not shutting
Matt up about this stupid chick he keeps railing about. Matt: Move
on!"
1.5 How To Just Say No, Thank You, Scum
Grab the white, fat suburban P.O.S. by the starched collar of his Arrow
shirt, or by the fabric of his cool sweater, and shake the bastard until he
starts to cry and offer you money. Then, take your hand, fold 4 fingers
inward toward the palm, and the thumb across that, and BEAT THE HOLY SHIT
OUT OF THE LILY-WHITE LITTLE TEAM CAPTAIN PROM QUEEN LOVE SLAVE FROM ARMANI
HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suit-wearing little bastards had the damn things GRAFTED on at birth. No,
I'm okay, I just need my medication.
1.6 Why?
In this section, we attempt to answer the ALL-encompassing question: "WHY?"
Let us ponder this one: "Why am I so bitter?"
a) I was born that way?
b) Satan put a curse on me?
c) It's just because I'm a punk?
d) Because women think they can use and exploit me freely and they're
totally wrong because they're all a bunch of vain and self-centered
bitches? (Well, not all of them, because I have a few female friends
who are nice to me, which makes them okay.)
e) All of the above?
Shall we go with "e"? Yes, I think that we shALL.
1.7 Can You Ski?
Somehow the jokes that knocked me on my ass an hour ago lose something after
a drink or two. Maybe it's because alcohol is a depressant. Gee, that's a
cool choice to drink when you're depressed. Most suicidals are alcoholics, I
found out. I don't recall where or how I discovered this.
Life sucks, and then you ski. Can you ski? Take this quick test to find
out:
1. Do you have a sense of balance?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Huh?
d) Pittsburgh.
2. Do you know your name?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Pat Sajak.
d) Pittsburgh.
3. Can you use the word "dude" 12 times in a sentence?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Dude.
d) Pittsburgh.
4. Where do you live?
a) St. Paul.
b) Aspen.
c) Mars.
d) Boston.
5. Why do we have such a fascination with Pittsburgh?
a) Because Satan is in disguise, living there in sin with Jessica
Rabbit and Jim Morrison.
b) I don't know.
c) Okay, you're screwed up.
d) Whatever.
6. Does Steve Albini wear a sock hat in the winter?
a) Ah, but does he wear SOCKS?
b) What? You make no sense.
c) What does this have to do with skiing?
d) No, he throws them, on fire, at Al Jourgensen.
7. Can a pissed-off teen be considered an explosive?
a) No, but they make wonderful projectiles.
b) I'm not answering any more of your damn questions.
c) Get a life.
d) Matt is a god.
If you answered (b) to any questions, you can ski. If you answered (d) on
#7, you have been blessed my me as a deity. If you answered (b) to #7,
piss off! Don't be so damn hasty next time. It was the last question,
moron.
1.8 ALLularity
ALLularity, in one of its many forms, is coffee, food, and trying to fall
in love. The latter disagrees with my mood for the moment, but ALL goes
on.
1.9 Milo Aukerman's Corner
Dear ALL? NO, ALL!! Readers,
Hey, this is Milo, reporting from my hideaway of the last four years,
Tupelo, Mississippi. The home of the grade-school Elvis, so I've been led
to believe. I don't believe the stories about him being carted to school
in a white van, while he was forced to listen to John Denver for a
straight 4 hours before they could loose him on his teachers, however.
I've not been called stupid yet in my life in Tupelo.
It really pissed me off today.. went down to the store to try to find
Bill's band's new release, and they told me they didn't carry devil music.
I attempted to explain the concept of ALL (although I concede that I don't
know it that well myself), and simply received a blank stare and a burning
cross in my yard later that night for my generosity.
But "devil music"? How ridiculous. An association made by a feeble
mind. I wasn't (nor was Bill) nor would I EVER (Nor would Bill) be in a
band that drank blood onstage or off. Blood is ALLular, but only if kept
inside its container, i.e., the living body. We also didn't like the
look of pentagrams. Looked too angular; we liked symbols to be softer,
etc.
But, via a 4-month long wait, I eventually obtained a copy of
_Percolater_ from Cruz Records, direct. The postman gave me an odd look
when he delivered the package, then ran away. I hate these people. I
rather liked the album, although I wish they'd do some Descendents songs.
But the past is the past. I wish I had more to do though.. gets boring in
Tupelo.
Well, I will leave you ALL to have an ALLular day. May your dreams
become reality.
Milo
P.S. - One advantage to living in Tupelo.. I can get lost in a crowd so no
one recognizes me. Sometimes I forget who the hell I am. Not.
1.10 Goodbyeage
Well, we hope you enjoyed the first issue of ALL? NO! ALL!! Even if you didn't,
there'll bloody well be another. Because we're young, we're pissed, and we're
outspoken. Also, a good deal of the time, we're sober, so ALL the better.
Be ALLular to each other.
Matt, Net, and Neuro
1.11 Last Minute Additions
I don't care what you do with this, as long as it's distributed. Any
complaints with material? Direct them toward Matt. It's no one else's
fault. Like an issue? Sned a note Matt's way, via WWIVLink or VNet.
Sorry, no Internet or USEnet. *sob* I'm so sorry.. we are but a poor BBS
community..
The size of this issue sucks. It should be MUCH larger. I guess I was
just too pissed off. Oh well. Get used to it.
We agree with Bad Religion's theory of "How could hell be any worse?" If
you are an agnostic and want to write for us, contact us. If you are an
atheist and want to write for us, contact us. If you are a fanatic and
want to write for us... No. We want no radical viewpoints (except our
own) given out.
Next ish: A Listing of the Greatest Albums of ALL time.
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Matt - 2@13750 WWIVLink
"Baby, I want MORE!" ALL? NO, ALL!!!!! 2@3173 VNet
"The ezine from hell" Neuro - 1@13750 WWIVLink
"If I had a blowtorch..." October 17/18, 1992 1@3173 VNet
Net - Sorry, I just
didn't know.
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