Well, my first year of college is over, and I must say, not one roommate
has lasted an entire term living with me. With the sad departure of the last
jerk, I am now six for six. Okay, if I had been given compatible roommates, I
might have been more tolerant, but I always seem to wind up with the same
type of jerk that guzzles my root beer, is rude to my friends, never gives
me my phone messages, and fills my fridge with contraband substances.
Over the past few months, I have compiled a list of everything that I
did (and a few things I wanted to do) to get rid of this jerk. I have since
learned that Housing and Dining doesn't check to see if roommates are even
the least bit compatible, and that little form they make you fill out is
just rubbish. Therefore, there are probably several of you out there that have
jerk roommates, and it is for the benefit of those, and the humor of others
that I give you my official...
Guide to Getting
Rid of Unwanted Jerk Roommates
1. Mention that you spent some years as a student revolutionary
hiding in Canada. Stop. Look over your shoulder.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float
up out of your seat. When he turns to look, fall back down
and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything
he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the
cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him with
a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "Star Wars", "Akira",
"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that
it is for your performance art class (or hit him with the wrench).
16. Invite the Resident Assistant over just as your roommate fills
your fridge with beer. Ask the RA if he'd like a Coke, open the
fridge and pretend to be surprised; "Oh my, what's _this_ doing
here?"
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get your friends to
bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it.
Turn it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a
couple of weeks."
20. Praise The Computer. Call your roommate "citizen" and ask him
if he is happy. Every five minutes.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics
to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Make "glass candy" (recipe to be posted later). Shatter it
like glass and eat it front of your roommate saying it's a
Coke bottle.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Everytime one of his friends walks into the room, scan them with
a tricorder.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate
suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Twinkies in the bottom of a
trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash,
find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash
before you get hungry, demand that he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include
a list of grievances.
29. Put masking tape on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Install a set of gravity boots. Sleep in them.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Shave one eyebrow.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.
Accuse him of stealing them.
35. Remove your door. Replace it with a bead hanging or an animal
hide.
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then
stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower.
Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen candles of different colors and sizes on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that
start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. If he doesn't answer the question, answer it yourself, in
a different voice from your own.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under
there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe.
If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty
times while twitching violently.
43. Keep the room temperature at a level that only you can be
comfortable with, i.e., 65 F in the wintertime or below.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.
Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Have a "Pangea Software" Game Tournament in the room with all of
your friends. Put special emphasis on "Senseless Violence."
46. Sign him up (without his knowledge) for the assassination game
being run on the floor. Pretend to be pleasantly surprised when
he is "killed" in the middle of the night because you forgot to
lock the door.
47. Buy a copy of Pink Floyd's "Several Species of Small Furry Animals
Gathering Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict" and play it
at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that
it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Watch nothing but Japanese animation. Sing along (in Japanese)
to the soundtracks.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.
Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Before your roommate's big date, stockpile his pillow
with burritos while reciting the Kuma Sutra in pig Latin.
52. Wish your roommate "Happy small reptile day". Everyday.
53. Use a watergun for a TV remote control.
54. Call up his answering machine and leave messages on it for you
from various "political interests..."
55. Start a post-it note collection. When complete, wallpaper
the entire dorm room with it.
56. Meditate in a kimono in the living room when your roommate has
guests.
57. Raise an antfarm and "nurture" it by continously playing the
soundtrack to Oklahoma at the loudest level.
58. Clip ads out of Soldier of Fortune and Weaponmaster Quarterly.
59. Post a copy of "Why a Roommate is Better Than A Girlfriend"
on your door.
60. Have an invisible friend. Say you are giving him the silent
treatment.
61. Claim to your friends (in the presence of your roommmate) that you
once learned how to diagnose psychological diseases by simply
looking at people. Walk up to your roommate and whisper in his ear
that the Mayo Clinic is only four hours away by air.
62. Cultivate a lisp. Claim it's an accent.
63. Start a David Koresh fan club. Make buttons saying "I'm not
just a fan, I'm a member".
64. Say your roommate's name backwards. When he asks you about
this, mutter "Well, it worked for Superman".
65. Wallpaper the room with a "Bazooka Joe" comics collection.
66. Walk like an Egyptian.
67. Take karate lessons. Insist on practicing the screams and
moves in the room.
68. Buy old sofas so you can build forts with the cushions.
69. Insist on ending all lists with 69.
Author's Note: This is intended for the purposes of humor only! DO NOT
ACTUALLY DO THESE THINGS!!! Unless of course, if he deserves it. B-)
