(These are from my brother-in-law, Bob Ekstrom, in Pitt, MN:)
tongue:
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly
crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of
dead cow.
yogurt:
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated
and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods
that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other
two are goulash and squid.
recipe:
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't
own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
porridge:
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents.
The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid",
"hORRId" and "sluDGE".
preheat:
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time
before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be
burned when the food is put in, as well as when it
is removed.
oven:
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky
pieces of meat and poultry.
microwave oven:
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food
placed within the cooking compartment.
calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping
of a particular food.
arab coffee:
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
tiny cups at gunpoint.
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