Last Minute Anti Drug Test Provisions
Yet another sexy little text file brought to you by Rusty and The Italic
Squirrels. Written by Suid Lizard and Rhesus Monkey, edited by Captain Ross.
This text file was written for entertainment purposes only. Just because
somebody reads this text does not mean that they should try anything in it. This
file does not, nor does it's authors, advocate the use of drugs, or anything
like that. Even though you shouldn't try this, but you do anyway, it isn't our
fault if you get busted. Maybe it was YOUR mistake that got you screwed. Maybe
your piss was too clean for you to fake, maybe this whole text file is a load of
bullshit, you just don't know, so don't try this until you've done some research
in this sort of thing. Don't do drugs. Don't break the law. Don't wear dead
elephants as hats. Don't do anything you wouldn't want your grandmother to do.
Don't do anything.
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By reading further into this text you certify that you are not a law enforcement
officer, an employee of the federal government, or an acquaintance of an
employee of the federal government, or even an acquaintance of an acquaintance
of an employee of the federal government. You certify that you are not Suid
Lizard or Captain Ross's mom, or anyone else's mom. You certify that you are not
under 18 years of age. You certify that you are not over 18 years of age. You
certify that you are not 18 years of age. If any or all of the above statements
does not apply to you, then do not read further into this file, delete it if it
happens to be on your hard or floppy disks, and leave whatever site or BBS or
whatever it is you downloaded it from.
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Well, now that I've excluded about 99.9% of the population, all that should be
left are super intelligent cyborgs from the future, spider monkeys, and contract
violators who have let go of all their rights concerning this file.
The information in this file will not make you clean again if you smoked a joint
the week before the test. It will only help a little, giving your sample the
push it needs to pass. I'm not including a metabolite half life table, or what
to do if you have weeks and weeks until tested, because there are tons of long,
boring files with that information. If I had that information here, I'd be
writing a long boring file, and I know you don't need that.
So, you say that you have a drug test coming up in a week or so. You're system
is juiced with metabolites, and you need to make sure you have clean piss so you
can get a job, or whatever. There IS something you can do to save you're hide.
Let's assume that you aren't gonna borrow you're friend's sample, and that you
aren't going to inject clean urine into your bladder (it's been done.) There are
other ways to lower your count
Sort of Last Second
First thing you need to do is start drinking a lot of water. A LOT. While this
won't really be necessary until a day or less before you're tested, it's a good
idea to get into the habit. This does not clean metabolites out of your system.
It only dilutes your urine, so that it looks like there's less THC in you than
there really is.
There IS a problem with dilution, though, in that it can be seen fairly easily
by normal testing methods. When you dilute too much your urine becomes clear,
and concentrations of certain key chemicals, mainly creatine and acids, go way
down, making you a suspect of dilution.
Lucky for you, I'm going to disclose the secret of avoiding detection. As soon
as you know you're going to be tested, go down to the drug store and get
B-vitamin supplements, particularly B-12 and B-2. Start taking these at above
the normal dosage (double?) as soon as you buy them. The excess B vitamins will
be expelled from your system by way of the urine, and it will color your urine a
darker color of yellow. Next, start elevating your creatine levels. Eating red
meat and being sexually active will both help a small amount, but there is no
way to really raise your creatine levels (NOTE: You can always buy creatine at
GNC or wherever, but I've heard that you can get all messed up taking it and
your body stops making it. But then again, what the fuck do I know?) Many people
have naturally low creatine levels, and have failed the testing because of it.
There are two advantages of taking aspirin. Not only does it make your urine
more acidic, it also has been known to mask certain parts of the spectrum that
urine testing checks. This is also good. Take 4 aspirins the day of the test, 5
or 6 hours before they take your sample.
Finally, here's the fact that will make this text stand out above the rest.
Everybody out there tells you to excursive hard and burn fat cells before the
test. Thing is, they assume that you have a month or so notification. Excursive
does burn fat cells, but it just puts more THC metabolites into your blood and
urine. Your blood and urine are cleaned faster than your fat, but that's because
they're peed out in a more concentrated fashion, so it's more easily detected in
urine.
If you're really caught off guard and are being tested within the next 6 or so
days, you should cover you're fat reserves with more clean fat. This will make
sure that more of the fat that's being turned over does not release THC into
you're system. Gaining more fat cells means being inactive, eating a lot of
bacon, fried cheese, and bacon with fried cheese on it.
For Real Last Second
It's the morning of the test, and you're not taking any chances about your urine
stats. First thing you should do in the morning is take a piss. Second thing is
grab a big huge glass of water. Third is drink it. The first urine of the day is
the dirtiest, so it shouldn't be the one you submit to your labs. Try and piss
twice before you go to the piss police.
So, you're in the clinic now. The nurse just told you to fill a cup with urine,
but you're not quite sure if you've made the metabolite cut. There are a few
little tricks that you can do to take the edge of you're sample. First thing is
to not use the urine in the beginning of your stream or the end. These are the
dirtiest parts. Use just the middle (making sure you get enough). Also try
doping* your sample with water just a little. Your main concern when doping is
that the temperature doesn't drop below 90 degrees (90 is the bare minimum) and
that the urine doesn't become so clear and white that it looks freaky. When you
add water, try and make it sorta warm, so it doesn't screw up your temperature.
If you already lowered the temp. too much, there's something you can still do.
Close up the bottle and hold it under running warm tap water to heat up it's
contents. Here's a trick if you need to know what temperature the water is. Put
your hand under it. Adjust the temperature until you can't decide whether the
water feels hot or cold. When you reach this equilibrium your hand thinks the
water is about at body temperature. Your hand is wrong. The reading is different
for every person, but for me it's usually around 90 degrees. Things that can
screw up your temperature estimating other than your self include the
temperature of the room, and whether you had to make the water hotter or colder
to get to the temp. you're at now. Experiment to see how it works for you.
If you're really in a pinch, you could steal your sample from the tray. IN the
place where I get tested, they leave the samples right out in the open, and I
could yoink it, if I wanted. I'm not even sure if they'd re-test you, but at
least it would buy you some time. You could act pissed (no pun intended) and say
you're only free for some time.
*There are other ways of doping, adding stuff to your sample to make it seem
clean, than just adding water. I've heard a lot of things, but it seems to me
that adding something to your piss that isn't normally in piss is a bad idea to
begin with. I wouldn't recommend anything other that water, personally.
Well, that's it. You can e-mail Suid at
[email protected], and rhesus at
[email protected]
*If anyone contributed this text to a search engine, search for the following
string to see if there are more of my files for you to find.
"rhese589ndeeboiyzz6547fneerjabbler"
