Airports are about the most blatently unorganized places of business one
could ever imagine. They are on the brink of shutting down. The minute the
FAA gets wind of how many actual near misses there have been, how many total
hours late all the planes have been all year, and how many thousands of bags
have been lost or damaged, they will have a hissy-fit. But dear old
daddy-raygun has padded things up with red tape to the point that it might
take a couple years for commissions to get their reports out.
For the sake of making airports safer, I say we help them rip themselves
apart from the insides. Let's bring these beuro-cats to their knees.
Some rent-a-car booths have shredders. Fill them up by putting all their
brochures in.
Use the reservation fones to get 15 or 20 rooms at every hotel
in the area. Use someone else's credit card to guarantee it all night.
This gives them sold out status til they find out they had 30 unsold rooms.
Call 4 or 5 cabs to the airport all going to the same place. They're
extremely competitive; and wont give up for half an hour or more. They might
even fight with each other.
Most airport payfones'll receive calls so no one is stuck there. Call for
alot of fonesex return calls.
If you can get to the microphone room you can make loads of rude or subtle
announcements.
Start out by checking the flight schedules and tell people the sign is stuck,
but their flight is a half hour late. 40 people missing a plane could be
quite interesting. Chances are the pilot'll sit there and they'll be really
late for their destination.
Then announce that a plane was cancelled. hehehe. They'll all go to book
the next open flight. Those that don't explain why they're switching might
empty the whole plane out.
If you see a really late flight, make a reservation fpr Micheal Hunt.
A competitor will try paging Mike Hunt, or "my cunt" over the PA system
offering an earlier flight hoping to get his traitor-esue business.
Complain to a clerk that they lost your luggage. Insist that you were on
such and suchn a flight and their computer must be screwed up. They'll go crazy
trying to track your lost luggage.
Find out the numbers of all the rent-a-car booths and have them all either
forwarded to Avis, or forwarded to the restaurant.
Fake a telefone conversation over the PA system between a drunk pilot and
an extremely abusive boss. "Just get some coffee and you'll be fine for the
next flight. It's a half hour from now."
Touch up all the rep-numbers for the AAA, Amex, and Citibank applications.
The people that put up the cards are on commissions. Someone else'll get the
bonus if you change the 4 to a 9 or a 5 to an 8.
Leave the restaurant hunched over holding your stomach and
sticking your tongue out. Wait a few minutes before making gagging noises.
Maybe you'll get a bystander to throw up. At any rate sales will be down
in there for hours; maybe days. This works especially well with 5 or 6 sick
people walking out.
Find out the name of a pilot scheduled for the next flight and call in sick
for him. Or call in as his wife and say he's needed at home immediately.
Fake a phone conversation between a maintenance guy and a plane's super. "We
are out of 14 guage washers to hold the right wing together." "Use silver duct
tape. We need that plane in haf an hour."
Get in line and demand your money back under an assumed name.
They'll have fun tracking Emilio Esteves' reservation. This works especially
good if you don't mind waiting thru a LONG line. It'll tie up all th people
behind you, making the line even more unbearable for the last guy.
Cut out 10% rent-a-car coupons and stuff them into the ATM machine. It'll eat
it and not let anyone use it for a day or two.
Grab a phone book and take out flight insurance on all kinds of people.
They'll spend all sorts of money sending out cover letters to each household.
Call security and tell them there is a fight in the lobby of the airport.
Take all the Jahova's witness magazines on the chairs and flush them down the
toilet. Replace them with a printout of this magazine.
Dress like a baggage handler and deliver all the suitcases to the wrong
planes. Or atleast get in there and swap nametags.
Crazyglue a quarter to the floor. That always drives people insane.
Pour mineral water on the waiting-room seats. You dont even see its there. It
looks real good on business suits.
Vaseline all the toilet seats. Makes people uncomfortable all day.
Bring a camera and say your with the press and you're there to greet the vice
president of the United States of America.
