Your 64, July 1985, Pages 40 to 43
A review of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Transcribed by David Kinder
[Note: The original has text running down the left hand side of each page,
with a transcript from the game on the right. The transcript is annotated
with various comments about the game. In this transcribed version of the
review, the main text comes first, followed by the transcript, with the
comments inserted at the appropriate point in the text.]
Don't Panic!
Yes, the rumours are true! Infocom's Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy will
soon be available on the 64. Taking up their towels, intrepid adventurers
Chris Palmer and Sue Denham take a walk round the wacky worlds of
Douglas Adams.
Over the past seven years there's been a couple of radio series, a TV
series, four books and a theatre production to celebrate the success of
former Dr Who scripter Douglas Adams' adventures of the crazy hitchhikers
that thumb their way around the galaxies. And now, following the trails
blazed by Atari, Apple and IBM users, you will soon be able to enjoy
Arthur Dent's adventures on the 64.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is entirely disk-based, but once you've
experienced the complexity of the adventure it'll come as no surprise that
the game takes up virtually all of the 340K disk. Along with the disk
there's a small booklet giving you a brief background to the adventure -
this comes complete with a number of small "goodies" that'll raise a smile
from dedicated hitchhikers: there's a pair of peril-sensitive sunglasses,
an empty plastic bag containing (we're told!) a microscopic space fleet,
some pocket fluff, and an order for the destruction of not only your own
home but the planet Earth too!
Thumbs Up!
Having notched up over 50 hours of dedicated adventuring in Hitchhiker's,
you could say that we ought to be experts on the game. Well, you'd be wrong!
We've been here, there and everywhere, and we've still not had a chance to
impart the knowledge that the answer to the universe's problems is 42. (I'm
sure it's 64 - Ed.) It sounds a little corny, but once you're actually in
amongst those loonies from the Heart of Gold you get the impression that
you're actually "writing" a story - with you as the lead character.
For those of you who've never encountered an Infocom adventure, a little
explanation. Infocom has coined the title "Interactive Fiction" for its
products, and that just about sums it up. In Hitchhikers, you can opt for
one of three types of description - verbose, brief and superbrief - which
means you'll get a couple of paragraphs on each location, or a couple of
reams!
The number of words you've got to work with is stunning. You're not left
with the frustration of spending hours racking your brains and the Thesaurus
for the right way to say something - and even when you type in something
silly, the computer comes right back with a funny reply that seems to make
sense... even if it does smack of Adams' bizarre sense of humour. You can
also compile your instructions into sentences, so phrases like "Turn on the
light then get up and get the dressing gown" are quite acceptable.
Perhaps the best test of the vocabulary is when you bump into another
character from the story - you can actually strike up an intelligent
conversation with them!
Couple this approach with the inimitable style of Douglas Adams and you end
up with something quite special. You begin the game as the human Arthur
Dent, a hapless individual from the doomed planet earth, but after a meeting
with Ford Prefect from the planet Betelgeuse, there's no end to the mess you
can get yourself into - even dying at the claws of the Bugblatter Beast of
Traal has you changing sex and ending up being chatted up by yourself at a
party in trendy Islington!
Probably because the books and so on have been so successful, the plot of
the game does not follow the original storyline. It starts in much the same
way, but soon you're left to your own devices. If you've read the books and
listened to the radio series, you've got a useful insight into the workings
of Mr Adams' mind... but there's little else to help you. Of course, you
don't need to read the books to play the game, but every little bit helps -
and you'll probably find yourself moseying down to the bookstore anyway to
see what you've been missing.
At the time of writing, the game has still to be published in this
country... although Infocom is reportedly "doing the deal" right now - so
watch this space for further details. Released in the US about a month or
two ago, it's gone from success to success - so lock away your sense of
reality, and prepare to experience the wonders of The Guide.
Zaphod: Well, you know, Arthur's just this guy, you know?
Ford: Still, not too bad for an ape with a digital fixation.
>go south
You can enter your home to the north. A path leads around it to
the northeast and northwest, and a country lane is visible to
the south. All that lies between your home and the huge yellow
bulldozer bearing down on it is a few yards of mud.
Guide: For some inexplicable reason, I've begun this adventure
on the most obscure and boring planet in the known universe. At
this point, readers from far-off worlds may be wondering if
beings like Mr. Prosser or the bulldozer are the dominant life
forms on Earth.
Mr. Prosser, from the local council, is standing on the other
side of the bulldozer. He seems to be wearing a digital watch.
He looks startled to see you emerge, and yells at you to get
out of the way.
The bulldozer rumbles slowly toward your home.
Zaphod: What Arthur has failed to grasp here is that there's
one force in the universe that can't be stopped.
Ford: Let me guess... entropy?
Zaphod: No, bureaucracy!
>panic
Not surprised.
The bulldozer rumbles slowly toward your home.
Reality intrusion: The use of the word 'panic' illustrates the
fact that you can say almost anything to the computer and still
get a 'sensible' reply.
Zaphod: What Arthur doesn't realise is that if he stays cool,
then everything will work out alright.
Ford: Alright! The Earth is about to be destroyed!
Zaphod: Have you ever seen Milton Keynes?
Ford: Point taken...
>lie down
You lie in the path of the advancing bulldozer. Prosser yells at
you to for crissake move!!!
Guide: Don't panic! Actions of this sort are quite normal for
inhabitants on this planet... past studies have shown that lying
in front of bulldozers is a much more intelligent pastime than
most of the other things they get up to.
>examine bulldozer
It's one of those really bug bulldozers that can actually crush
other bulldozers, let alone houses.
Ford: If only he'd had a towel with him.
Zaphod: Would it have helped?
Ford: No
Zaphod: Cute, real cute.
The bulldozer thunders toward you. The ground is shaking beneath
you as you lie in the mud.
Reality intrusion: Giving the impression of 'real time', you often
have to tap in the word 'wait' just so time passes and something
else happens. But if you're in a crisis, you can't do worse than
'wait' around for a bit!
>wait
Time passes...
The noise of the giant bulldozer is now so violently loud that
you can't even hear Prosser yelling to warn you that you will be
killed if you don't get the hell out of the way. You just see him
gesticulating wildly.
Zaphod: OK, so now the monkey's cool and having a restful time
until...
Ford: ...I arrive and let rip with a few choice bits of
information concerning Guildford, the Earth and alcohol.
Zaphod: How did he take it?
Ford: Very badly!
With a terrible grinding of gears the bulldozer comes to an
abrupt halt just in front of you. It shakes, shudders and emits
noxious substances all over your rose bed. Prosser is incoherent
with rage.
Guide: Quite why Arthur Dent has such an important role in the
universe is as yet unknown. However, here we see him 'saved' by
one of the many members of the Hitchhiker's Guide editorial team,
Ford Prefect, from the destruction of the Earth. And that's just
the beginning of his problems...
Moments later, your friend Ford Prefect arrives. He hardly seems
to notice your predicament, but keeps glancing nervously at the
sky. He says "Hello, Arthur," takes a towel from his battered
leather satchel, and offers it to you.
>go west
Reality intrusion: Although it looks more complete to type 'go west'
at this stage, there's no reason why a mere 'w' couldn't be used
instead. You'll find if you experiment a little with the
vocabulary, there are many shortcuts.
Pub
The pub is pleasant and cheerful and full of pleasant and
cheerful people who don't know they've got about twelve minutes
to live and are therefore having a spot of lunch. Some music is
playing on an old jukebox. The exit is east.
Zaphod: This is more like it. Now we're getting down to what the
universe is all about.
Ford: Drink?
Zaphod: Thanks, mine's a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
Ford: Typical.
Zaphod: Seriously, does drink help?
Ford: Even if it doesn't, it certainly helps to take your mind
off the present situation.
There is a barman serving at the bar. Behind the bar is a shelf.
It is full of the sort of items you find on shelves behind bars
in pubs.
Guide: Drinking in public houses passes for entertainment on
this paltry planet. And this is where we find our intrepid and
rather reluctant hero after his ordeal with the bulldozer -
needless to say, the bulldozer is the dominant lifeform on
planet Earth.
>listen to jukebox
The song is a Walker Brothers single, "The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine
Anymore".
Guide: Due to Douglas Adams' influence, I've been forced to
recollect certain facts that hark back to a rather dizzy period
in Earth's history that many refer to lovingly as 'the Sixties'.
Although the Earth will actually be destroyed in less than 12
minutes, many of its inhabitants believe that life stopped in
1969.
Ford: I suppose that's supposed to be a subtle hint. To think I
used to like the Walker Brothers.
Zaphod: Another subtle hint, don't eat the sandwich.
Ford: Given that description I hardly think that's subtle.
Zaphod: You never know when something that's unfit for human
consumption will come in useful.
Reality intrusion: Should you die at some later stage and don't
want to mess around with trivial details, you could cope with
the next section by typing 'Listen to jukebox then examine shelf
then buy cheese sandwich'.
Ford hurries after you.
>examine shelf
On the shelf behind the bar is the usual array of bottles, glasses
and soggy beermats, some packets of peanuts, and a plate of
uninviting cheese sandwiches.
Ford buys lots of beer and offers half to you. "Muscle relaxant..."
he says, impenetrably.
Ford: The trouble with that beer is that one too many gives you
one hell of a hangover.
Zaphod: Especially if you wake up and can't find your clothes or
your planet!
>buy cheese sandwich
The barman gives you a cheese sandwich. The bread is like the stuff
that stereos come packed in, the cheese would be great for rubbing
out spelling mistakes, and margarine and pickle have performed an
unedifying chemical reaction to produce something that shouldn't
be, but is, turquoise. Since it is clearly unfit for human
consumption you are grateful to be charged only a pound for it.
Guide: The introduction of food to pubs so infuriated many
publicans that anything more viscous than Guinness is treated
with the respect it deserves. As will probably be fairly obvious
from the description of what's on offer, Arthur would be well
advised to find some four-legged friend to share his lunch!
"Drink the beer." urges Ford. "It will help cushion your system
against the coming shock of the matter transference beam"
Ford: What Arthur doesn't realise is that he's shortly going to
learn one of the most important lessons for galactic survival.
Zaphod: You mean he learns how to hitchhike?
Ford: No, he learns how to leave a pub without paying.
Zaphod: But he's quickly going to have to come to his senses if
he's going to get much further.
Ford: Now that's subtle.
Guide: And so planet Earth was destroyed and indeed, areas such
as Chelsea and Kensington were reduced instantaneously to the
level of Milton Keynes.
Zaphod: Looks like Arthur's bitten the bullet.
Ford: I've seen you look a lot worse on Pan Galactic Gargle
Blasters.
Zaphod: Yeah, but that stuff makes me clairvoyant.
Ford: Hey, really?
Zaphod: I knew you'd say that!
>consult guide about douglas adams
The Guide checks through its Sub-Etha-Net database and eventually
comes up with the following entry:
Mostly harmless.
Ford: Who is this Douglas Adams anyway?
Zaphod: He's just this guy you know.
Ford: And how did he know that the answer to the universe's
problems is 42?
Zaphod: Hey look, even a monkey can multiply six by seven!
Ford: Oh.
Reality Intrusion: Although the storyline veers away from the
original books, you'll often come across an old friend... in
this case the Bugblatter Beast of Traal. And, unluckily,
sometimes the characters will be as nasty as they were in the
books!
With a vast savage roar, the Beast tears you limb from limb with
its tungsten carbide Vast-Pain claws and... well, do you really
want to know the rest? The point is that you have died. Everything
becomes...
Dark
Guide: We catch up with our tiresome traveller at the climax of
his inexpert dealings with the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of
Traal. Just prior to this, I thoughtfully provided him with some
invaluable information on the creator of this tale - it's only
fair he should know who's at the root of his problems.
>examine arthur
Arthur seems nice and terribly well meaning, but also terribly shy.
He has tried to start a conversation with you several times, but
still hasn't gotten past "Hello." He has an enormous, unsightly
ball of fluff on his jacket.
Ford: Arthur's not Arthur anymore - he looks an awful lot like
Trillian to me.
Zaphod: Hmm. Did I ever well you about that time with me and the
triple-breasted lady from...
Ford: No, and I don't think you'd better... this is a family
magazine.
Reality intrusion: Quite often you'll find your confusion is
almost as great as Arthur Dent's... but the best way to overcome
any problems is to try a few things. The worst thing that could
happen to you is... ah, but that would be telling, wouldn't it!
>touch
(darkness)
It does feel a bit cold and wet and squishy. There seems to be some
liquid at your fingertips.
Guide: Arthur now experiences a sensation that's almost, but not
quite, entirely unlike death. He'll soon find himself at a
rather uninspiring 'cheese and Twiglets do' in Islington
whereupon he'll make the startling discovery that he's not only
shifted in time and space, but also in gender.
>drink liquid
It tastes just like wine. In fact, you realise with growing
embarrassment that your hand is sitting in a glass of white wine.
Zaphod: Poor ol' Arthur, I suppose someone ought to tell him
about the mice at some point.
Ford: What? That they actually ruled the planet Earth?
Zaphod: Yeah.
Ford: No, the shock would probably kill him.
Zaphod: Yeah! Let's do it...
You're at a party being given by a distant and incredibly boring
acquaintance. Among the people you've been introduced to are a
shy, mousy fellow from the West Country named Arthur, and a
flamboyant guy named Phil. You've had too many drinks already, and
the room is beginning to buzz...
Guide: The best advice that can be given to anyone attempting to
unravel the logical results of improbability transfers (or
indeed, one of Douglas Adams' story lines) is - don't! You're
far better off checking in your reality at the desk, tearing up
your ticket and enjoying yourself. The golden rule to bear in
mind is that if you think it can't happen, it invariably will!
Marvin: Brain the size of a planet and they ask me to write for
Your 64... good grief!
