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From: [email protected] (Rob Jellinghaus)
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Subject: The soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ list (Part 1 of 4)
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Summary: This posting contains a list of frequently asked questions
   in the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm newsgroup, and a list of
   non-judgmental, frank, and in many cases sexually explicit answers.
   You are encouraged to read the sections that interest you and avoid
   the sections that do not.
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Archive-name: soc-subculture/bondage-faq/part1
Last-modified: 20 August 1997
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URL: http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/faq.htm
Copyright: (c) 1992-1997 Rob Jellinghaus
Maintainer: Rob Jellinghaus ([email protected])

The soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ List
Where the kinky knowledge resides!
Part 1 of 4

This list is posted monthly, on or around the 11th.
Last-modified: 20 August 1997
Please send additions, suggestions, etc. to [email protected]
If this posting appears truncated or damaged, contact me, also.

The World Wide Web version of this FAQ is at
       http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/faq.htm
Please make links to this page, rather than posting separate
Web copies of the text of this FAQ.

This FAQ list is copyrighted.  The full copyright notice appears at
the end of each part of the list; please respect it.

*Introduction* Soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm
is a Usenet discussion group, or newsgroup, about various topics
including sex and bondage. This FAQ list is my set of answers to some of
the most common questions in that group. You may find it interesting
whether or not you've encountered s.s.b-b itself.
This document contains explicit sexual information. If you do not wish
to view such information, I advise you to skip this document. If you
believe this document itself is obscene, I ask you to read my response
to question 20. Check out what's new with the FAQ!
There is an online {http://www.st.rim.or.jp/~tku/ASBFAQ/faq.html}
Japanese translation of the FAQ! Thanks very much to the translators!
There is also an online
{http://www.webcom.com/wunibald/asb_faq/index.html} German translation!
Not only that, there's an {http://www.nsm.it/smack!/italian/asbfaq.htm}
Italian translation too! Not being fluent in any of those languages, I
can't vouch for the accuracy, but that's OK with me. Any other
translators out there? Books could be and are being written about these
questions; remember, this is a thumbnail FAQ list. If you learn
anything from this list, hopefully it will be how many questions there
are to ask, and how much there is to learn! If you're concerned or
curious about issues that you feel are breezed over here, see the very
end of this FAQ for a list of wonderful books and sources of more
information. And if you want more ideas or discussion about anything,
well, what else is soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm for?

*The FAQs Themselves*
PART 1:
1. What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?
2. What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"?

3. What is a "safeword"?  4. When is pain not pain?
5. What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and physically?

6. Is everyone either a top or a bottom?  7. How can I learn to be a
good top?  8. How can I learn to be a good bottom?
9. Why is bondage fun? 10. Why is whipping fun?
11. What is body piercing? What is "C&B" play, or "genitorture"?
12. What is cutting/play piercing/burning/branding/electrical play? What
are "bloodsports"? 13. What is it about breath control? Is it safe to
make someone pass out?
14. What are "golden showers"? How about "scat"?

15. Is anal sex safe? Why do people do it? 16. What is "fisting"?
17. Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM? What is "real" SM, anyway?
18. What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes?
19. What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?
PART 3:
20. Why am I defending SM? 21. Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM
people abused?

22. Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural, immoral, unethical,
or unhealthy? 23. Isn't the bottom always in control?
24. Can someone _really_ be someone else's slave? 25. What are the
"codes"? 26. My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM?

27. I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it?

28. I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?

29. What's the deal with this anonymity stuff? 30. Are SM people being
politically and socially harassed?

31. Aren't there too many different topics on s.s.b-b?
PART 4:
32. I'm sick of certain topics on s.s.b-b. How can I avoid them? Also,
what's with all these ads? 33. I don't have access to
soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm; what can I do to get information about the
scene? 34. What are some books/magazines/organizations/stores/news
archives where I can get SM information or toys, or meet people in the
scene?

*FAQs about the FAQs* Some simple questions, answered simply.

o What about the alt.sex.bondage FAQ? Alt.sex.bondage was the first
Usenet BDSM newsgroup. It is currently overrun by advertising (as is all
the alt.sex hierarchy). When soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm came about, I
asked if I could convert the a.s.b FAQ (which I wrote) to the s.s.b-b
FAQ, and people said "sure!", and I never did it. Until now. The a.s.b
FAQ is now merely a reference to this one. I'm delighted to see how much
of the "a.s.b-of-old" feeling s.s.b-b has recaptured. (Now I have much
more of a life than I did then, which is basically why this FAQ has
slipped... hope I haven't let the community down too badly by doing so
much realtime pervery rather than virtual....) o How long have you been
running the FAQ? Since 1991. I've gotten a lot of thanks and suggestions
in that time, and I hope to make more time to work on the guts of this
FAQ, which is still (to my knowledge) the best free reference about SM
on the entire Internet. (If I'm wrong about this, please let me know
which sites are better, so I can add links to them!)

*The Appendices*

The appendices are available on the World Wide Web version of this
FAQ, {http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/faq.htm}

*Thanks for reading!* Hope you learned something! Remember, your
sexuality is wonderful; treasure it and nourish it!

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 31 July 1997
=======================================================================
* 1. 1. What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?*

The easy part first: B&D = "bondage & dominance" or "bondage &
discipline." S&M = "sadism & masochism." D&S = "dominance & submission."
People who read s.s.b-b are generally interested in ways to have sex
that are outside the mainstream. One of the recurrent threads on s.s.b-b
is the question of "what to call ourselves", since there is no one set
of sexual practices we all enjoy or are interested in, yet there is a
lot in common among all the things we talk about. Some people enjoy
submitting to another person, placing themselves under the power of
another, in a sexual context. It can be a very hot thing for someone to
say to you, "I'm yours. Use my body for your pleasure." This is D&S; one
person is dominating, the other submitting. Slave/master, harem
girl/sultan, boy/daddy, student/schoolmistress. D&S is an erotic power
game, where both people are getting off--one on the thrill of
controlling, the other on the thrill of being controlled. This is also
where the terms "top" and "bottom" come in; the top is, roughly, the
dominant; the bottom is, roughly, the submissive. What do tops and
bottoms do with each other? Well, one good possibility is they have lots
of hot sex. Another possibility is the top ties the bottom up in some
manner, which directly and physically puts the bottom at the top's
mercy, and then the top plays with the bottom, teasing, seducing,
frustrating, and hopefully finally satisfying. This is a bondage &
dominance sort of game. Some people enjoy playing with
punishment--"You've been bad and now I have to tie you up and spank
you!" That's bondage & discipline for you. Then there's the sort of game
described by S&M--"sadism and masochism". Whips, canes, nipple clamps,
all the wonderful things that are designed to cause, in greater or
lesser degree, pain. It can be a powerful thing to submit to someone
else who wants to hurt you; it's a fantastic gesture of trust. And as
will be discussed later, pain is not really pain anymore in an S&M game;
it becomes overwhelmingly intense stimulation, which when administered
by a skilled top can bring a bottom to entirely new heights of ecstasy.
Sometimes the D&S aspect becomes secondary to the sensual trip; you
don't have to enjoy obeying another's commands to enjoy being tied up
and whipped! And of course, pain (whether light or heavy) is only one
sort of sensation; there are many others, and all of them can be lots of
fun to play with. This sort of trip, merging pain and pleasure to create
an amazingly powerful experience for the bottom, is sometimes known as
SM: Sex Magick. The precise definitions of B&D, S&M, whatever, don't
matter so much as do the experiences they point towards. All these
areas, as you can see, overlap and intermingle in many many ways, but
for me they all meet in the single concept of Sex Magick: taking a
fantasy and turning it into reality, creating a magical space in which
your desire can come to thrilling life!
While we're sorta on the subject of abbreviations, here are some more:
motos = Member Of The Opposite Sex; motss = Member Of The Same Sex; IMHO
= In My Humble Opinion; BTW = By The Way; SO = Significant Other (i.e.
lover); SMBDLMNOP = SM and BD and whatever else it is that we're always
talking about here on s.s.b-b; "Munch" refers to "any social gathering
of local people who read s.s.b-b" (it's short for "Burgermunch", a
tradition started in Palo Alto); "plonk"--see a later question; WIITWD =
What It Is That We Do (a newer term than SMBDLMNOP); YMMV = Your Mileage
May Vary (i.e. this is my experience, yours may be different); ObBDSM =
"Obligatory BDSM"--if a post here contains little BDSM content, the
poster will put "ObBDSM: <some hot BDSM item>" at the end of the post;
YKINOK = "Your Kink Is Not OK"--see question 17... and of course FAQ =
Frequently Asked Questions.

Oh, and the reason I refer to SM behavior as "play" here is because,
well, it ain't work! Play means nothing other than activities done for
recreation and for pleasure, and hence "play" is a fine word for many
BDSM behaviors. Many of my friends use "play" similarly. (Though let me
begin the many YMMV's by stating that many other people who do BDSM
consider it to be a very real, and deep, part of their sexual
orientation; these people find that the term "play" doesn't adequately
express how important and fundamental these behaviors and relationships
are to them. I am increasingly finding myself to be one of these people.
And for still other people, some BDSM is play and some isn't. Confused
yet?) Just so it is totally clear at the outset, NONE OF THIS MATERIAL
ADVOCATES ANY KIND OF NONCONSENSUAL BEHAVIOR. What I am describing here
is a variety of ways for lovers to enjoy one another, if and only if
they both want to, and both give their consent. Anyone who claims that
this information is in some way advocating nonconsensual, criminal acts
is hereby charged with having failed to read and understand what I am
saying. When I use the term "SM" in this FAQ, I refer specifically to
consensual behavior. (See a later question for more on this.)

Finally, you've probably already noticed that we talk about more here
than just sex and bondage. If that bothers you, please, post something
_yourself_ about either or both topics! Complaining "where are all the
sex and bondage posts?" is unproductive; if you want to see more of
something, put it out there yourself. Everyone on s.s.b-b is posting for
their own reasons, which don't often include titillating strangers.

But then again, this whole group is _about_ titillation--about conscious
eroticism, about getting what you want, and the first step is often
admitting it. Read on, and enjoy! Who knows, you might be a different
person by the time you finish this FAQ... it's happened to others
before you :-)

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 31 July 1997
=======================================================================
* 2. What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"?*

SM has definite connotations of theater.  The fact that you are a
submissive while you're playing sexually does not mean you are a
pushover in real life, nor does your being a dominant while playing mean
that you are an overbearing egotist.  These are roles that you can play;
you are in some sense an actor.

Hence the concept of a "scene".  A scene is a particular interaction
between a group of players, usually revolving around a bottom.  It's not
a formal concept, just a handy way to describe the action.  "That was
the hottest whipping scene I've ever seen!"  "Our last scene really
pushed me, Master; I've never felt like that before."  Usually a scene
has a momentum of its own: you (a top) will begin
fucking/whipping/sucking/whatever your bottom, you'll both be
fantastically into it, one or both of you comes/peaks/starts getting
tired, and you wind down and rest for a while and talk about what worked
and what didn't, about how the scene was for you.

Novice SM players may profit from actually taking this loose description
and using it to structure your first scenes.  If there's something you
want to try, first negotiate it with your partner; discuss what you want
out of the scene (bondage? orgasm?), what your limits are (no fucking,
no tickling), and what safeword you want to use (see the next question).
Then get "into scene"--assume your roles (if any), put on the collar
(or whatever), get into the mood to play... and play!  And after the
scene is over, take time to discuss what the scene felt like for each of
you.  Make sure to listen to your partner and learn how they felt, and
thank your partner for playing... after an intense scene, it's really
nice to cuddle and connect, rather than stopping abruptly and going
home.  A scene has a beginning, middle, and end; all three parts are
very important.  (And not necessarily disjoint; talking about how you
feel and what you want can continue right through the whole process!)

This "negotiation" concept in the SM community simply means open, honest
communication about what you do and don't want.  Negotiation in this
sense is not a bargaining process, where one person is trying to get
something at the expense of someone else; it's a win-win technique where
you're both talking about what you've done and what excites and doesn't
excite you, so you can feel more comfortable and turned on together.
It's completely legitimate to talk both about your fantasies and your
boundaries--about what makes you wet, _and_ about what makes you cringe
and tense up.  Telling your partner about things that you _don't_ want
them to do is valuable, as you deserve to have those limits respected...
and if you don't tell your partner those things, they may do them, and
neither of you will enjoy it.  (If you do express your limits, and your
partner ignores them, that's nonconsensual, and you will want to think
hard about whether you can trust your partner.  Negotiation can bring
these issues into clear focus, which can help.)

If you're just getting into SM, or just into a new relationship,
negotiation is a VERY valuable process.  It can be as upfront as "I'd
really like to kiss you, does that sound good?" or as nasty as "Tell me
your deepest darkest fantasy or I'm going to stop rubbing your cock!"
Talking about what you want from your sexual relationships can be
difficult at first, but the more you do it the easier it gets and the
more you get out of it!  And note that none of this is necessarily
specific to SM; negotiation is useful on all levels in all
relationships, whether they involve SM or not.  Consent is much more
than a simple "yes"--any relationship, and especially SM relationships,
will do better with lots of honest talk about what you both want, and
why, and how much, and what you _don't_ want.

There are some who feel that negotiating--talking--"ruins the momentum".
The image they seem to have is of the lovers who need say no words;
every touch, every action, is perfect.  That's great when it happens,
but it doesn't happen automatically.  My personal experience is that
talking upfront makes me feel much better about whoever it is I'm with,
and much more confident that they won't do something I'm not ready
for... this in turn means I can throw myself wholeheartedly into
whatever we've negotiated.  Plus, as you get to know each other better,
you'll know what you like and don't like... because you'll have
negotiated it!  THEN the momentum REALLY gets rolling!

The other connotation of "scene" applies to the whole B/D/S/M
population; sometimes someone will ask another SM player "Is X in the
scene?" or "I've seen Y around the scene before."  If you want to get
into the scene in this sense, look up one of the organizations I've
mentioned at the end of this FAQ list--especially the NLA, which may
well have a chapter in your area!  Doing this can be very worthwhile;
you can make new friends, get lots of good ideas, and find a community
that shares your interests.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
=======================================================================
* 3. What is a "safeword"?*

One of the thrills of SM is that it can stretch your limitations.  If
you enjoy this sort of play, you can naturally find yourself trying more
and more new things, accepting greater and greater levels of sensation,
doing and feeling more than you've ever done or felt before.

But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not telepathic. It
may be that you are the bottom in a whipping scene, and your top is
whipping you, and suddenly it doesn't feel good anymore!! and you want
them to STOP!!!  That is what a safeword is: a word that means "This
isn't working!  This scene is going wrong somehow!  Please stop!"

A safeword needs to be taken seriously.  Sometimes you may be playing
with a top you don't know that well, and if they do something to you you
don't want, it's important that you have a way to let them know,
IMMEDIATELY.  Especially if you're tied up or otherwise made helpless.

Everyone has their own favorite safeword.  I personally use "Yellow!" to
mean "Something's too intense; I need you to lighten up, but I don't
want to stop the scene," and I use "Red!" to mean "I'm in trouble and I
want everything to stop NOW, no more games, scene over, let me outta
here!"  Some people just have one flavor of safeword, and use "aardvark"
or some other weird word they'd never say in the context of a scene.  At
many parties, the universal safeword is "Safeword!"  It's up to you. All
it is is a safety valve for when things get out of control.  If your top
doesn't respect your safeword, it's a safe bet that they won't respect
other limits of yours, and you will need to decide whether you want to
play with someone who doesn't acknowledge your boundaries.

Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes.  It's important to realize
that no one is perfect, and if you as top do something that squicks your
bottom (i.e. pushes beyond your bottom's limits--"squick" is a recent
bit of s.s.b-b jargon), it doesn't mean you're a bad lover or a bad
person.  It only means that you ran into a limit you didn't know was
there, or you were tired or disconnected and not in tune with your
bottom.  It happens to everyone from time to time. If you as top feel
burned out and want to stop the scene suddenly, or you get a powerful
reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure how to continue, you can
use a safeword too; safewords aren't just for bottoms!  If you as bottom
feel like your top is pushing you, and you don't want to play anymore,
it's not fun, that's when you want to use a safeword--your top will be
glad you used it to tell them where you were at.

A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less. If
you're playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to come
back from the edge via a safeword... but if you need to, that's what
they're for.  Some tops deliberately push their bottoms until their
bottoms call safeword; this way, the bottom gets the experience of using
it.  A safeword that's never used can seem unusable, which isn't a good
property for a safeword.

Sometimes a top will want to gag you, whether because you're being too
noisy or they want to increase your helplessness or you've been being
impertinent or whatever.  You may still want a safeword to let the top
know when a rope is too tight or the nipple clamps are pinching or
whatever.  Some people put a handkerchief in the bottom's hand; if they
let go and the handkerchief falls, they know there's something up.  I
personally use the old SOS signal: three loud yells spaced evenly; "Unh!
Unh! Unh!"  No gag I've ever seen can stop _all_ noise, and that signal
works even if my hands are in mittens or a strait-jacket and unable
to hold anything at all.

Before playing with someone, it's a good idea to negotiate, not only
what safeword you want to use, but how you'll handle it if you need to
use the safeword.  When you're just getting into SM, it's almost
inevitable that some scenes will end prematurely or abruptly.  If you
acknowledge this possibility in advance, and talk about what kinds of
comforting or remedy you might like, it'll make recovering from a mishap
a lot easier and more pleasant.  And because a scene goes wrong is no
reason to think that you or your partner is fundamentally bad or
untrustworthy--mistakes will happen.  (If your partner doesn't want
tohear your concerns about the mishap, though, or if they belittle or
deride your concerns, you may well be unable to avoid future mishaps. If
your relationship doesn't learn from painful experience, it may not be
ready to handle doing SM.  Of course, this kind of processing is a vital
part of _every_ healthy relationship, SM or not.)

Not every SM player uses safewords.  Some people into SM don't find them
useful for the style of play they prefer; more straightforward
communication suffices for them.  Some partners find their need for a
safeword gradually diminishes as they come to know each other better.
Some people do SM in which the bottom doesn't _want_ to have a verbal
escape route, for the duration of the scene.  (This "no-safeword" play
is also sometimes called "edge play.")  One thing that you will learn
about the BDSMLMNOP scene is that styles vary wildly, and peoples'
experiences are astonishingly diverse.  But for many people beginning
their explorations (and many who've explored enormously), safewords have
proved very helpful.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
=======================================================================
* 4. When is pain not pain?*

Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the things
SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being hit?
Where's the fun in getting bruised? Well, think about this. Have you
ever had intense sex and afterwards noticed bite marks on your neck of
which you had no memory? What happened was your love partner bit you,
HARD, hard enough that it bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt
of pleasure. If they bit you that hard when you _weren't_ having sex,
you would scream "OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are
sexually aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that
you usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable.
This is common knowledge. Another usual explanation is that the brain
produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for pain. You
actually get high off the sensation. The "runner's high" comes from
pushing the body painfully for so long that the endorphins kick in; the
rush you get after eating chili peppers comes from the same source; and
that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players to be whipped or spanked
or whatever. It's not pain, it's pleasure! All athletes that are
"hooked on exercise" are essentially masochists who enjoy stressing
their bodies to get that chemical response. So your friend who enjoys
being spanked may actually be a lot _less_ masochistic than your
average marathon runner! For just this reason, one well-known local
dominant uses pain as a reward, when she's topping a masochist. Pain as
a punishment can have the reverse effect, when your bottom _likes_
getting whipped! Endorphins are by no means The Single Explanation for
why masochists find intense sensation to be desirable. Not every
masochist floats away blissfully while being whipped, nor would they
all even _want_ to. The ways to experience intense sensation vary from
dreamlike rush to stinging ouch to irritating maddening burn to
soothing warmth to tears-in-the-eyes throbbing... and whatever the
sensation, there is likely someone who enjoys it. Also, pain is a
continuum. There are many different kinds of sensation that you can use
in your lovemaking--light scratches with fingernails, open-hand
spankings, pinches, squeezes... there are many many ways to touch
someone, and all of them can be enjoyable. Different people enjoy
different levels of sensation; "different strokes for different folks."
What may be a wonderfully sensual caress to one person may be
practically unnoticeable to another, and what may be a delightful
flogging to one person may be no fun AT ALL to someone else. Ongoing
negotiation is the secret to finding the happy medium. Some people
consider all this absurd. "How could you WANT pain?" The best answer I
can give is that some people simply seem to be calibrated differently.
They want _more_ sensation; they find the intensity thrilling and
exciting, whereas someone else might find it overpowering and agonizing.
People like different amounts of spice in their food; why not in their
sexual encounters? Each person experiences sensation differently, and if
you want more, there are safe ways for you to get it. Getting what you
want, safely, can make your life much happier. (For much more about
sensations and sensation play, I strongly recommend Pat Califia's book
_Sensuous Magic_. See the resource list at the end of this FAQ.)

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
=======================================================================
* 5. What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and physically? *

SM is often play, and as such is fun! But SM can also get intense and
powerful. Here are some useful tips for people just getting started.
First of all, communicate. Let your partner know what you want and don't
want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she
or he is feeling and thinking, and respect his or her limits. Establish
a safeword, and make it very clear that it will be taken EXTREMELY
seriously if used. DON'T assume that your partner shares a fantasy of
yours unless you've EXPLICITLY discussed it with them; just because
someone likes being blindfolded doesn't mean they'll enjoy being tied
up. And most important, give full permission to both people playing to
stop at any time for any reason; respect each other enough to commit to
call a halt and work things out if something goes wrong. Be sensitive.
SM play, which can (doesn't have to! but can) involve helplessness,
intense sensation, and psychological domination, is strong stuff; it can
reach deeply into someone's soul and bring up childhood traumas or
hidden fears, without warning. Be aware that you are swimming in deep
waters, and be respectful, loving, and careful. Don't let this reality
scare you away from SM, though, if you want to experiment; let it make
you more aware and open to what both of you are feeling. Most of all,
decide for _yourself_ whether SM (or elements of SM) has a place in
your sex life; don't listen when someone _else_ tells you "SM will be
OK for you" or "SM will not be OK for you". Only you can make that
decision.

Be honest. If you do not want to do something, don't let your partner
pressure you into it. When you begin exploring SM, you may often find
yourself with a partner who wants something more than you have
experience giving, or who's right now in the mood for something that
you're _not_ in the mood for. In my experience, it's generally better
to say, "Whoa, I think we're wanting different things. Let's talk."
Doing a scene when you don't really want to can result in anything from
a lukewarm scene to something you just wish was over. There is plenty
of time... honesty, and not pushing, will lay a foundation of trust
that will stand you in good stead later.

One especially charged kind of D/S play is dominance and submission, in
which the bottom gives up some of their freedom of choice to the top,
who can command them. Though many people with strong boundaries can play
like this perfectly safely (and indeed derive enormous happiness and
satisfaction from doing it), this kind of play can carry some real
emotional risks for people with low self-esteem. The risk is that the
dominant will wind up abusing their power, using the D/S dynamic to
make the submissive feel ever more worthless and powerless, and hence
willing to let the dominant take over more of their independence. If you
have issues around your personal sense of self-worth, and if you feel
that being submissive (albeit perhaps an enticing idea) might serve to
confirm and consolidate your negative self-image, you would do well to
think hard about whether D/S play is for you at this stage of your life.
The answer may well be "no." (And conversely, if you are considering
topping someone who wants to submit because they deserve no better, you
might consider whether you want a partner who thinks so little of
themselves.) In general, it's imperative for everyone who does SM to
look hard at their motivations and their boundaries, and to be clear on
whether the SM (whatever form it may take) is self-actualizing or
self-destructive.

It may not be all black-and-white, either; there may be some particular
activities or roles or words that will make you feel unsafe, scared, or
worthless, and you may well want to avoid those activities/roles/words.
That is exactly what negotiation is for; you have the right to do what
feels good to you and avoid what does not, and you have the right to
insist your partner respect your boundaries. (This goes for any
relationship, of course, BDSM or no.) The discussion of "when do
dom/sub relationships become excessive or abusive" is an ongoing one on
s.s.b-b, and for good reason; it's an important topic. BDSM may at times
be theraputic, but it is in no sense a substitute for therapy. It's been
said that "you can't take power from the powerless." A healthy D/S
relationship is grounded in mutual respect, and in the knowledge that
both partners are choosing this life in a fully informed, non-coerced
manner; the submissive is proud to submit, and the dominant is proud to
receive the gift of their submission. It is a very different thing from
an abusive relationship in which one partner controls the other
partner's entire world, with the goal of making that partner
irrevocably and helplessly dependent. Back to the physical plane: If you
are the top, and you are tying your bottom up, keep your attention on
what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be blissing out; it's up to
you to see that they're comfortable and kept amused. The "amusement" can
be as nasty as you please, but see that they don't get _bored_; that's
seldom fun.) Indeed, if you as top really _are_ displeased with your
submissive for breaking an agreement the two of you had made, ignoring
them or sending them away may be the harshest punishment you can
administer. But that's pretty advanced.) Remember AIDS. Almost
everything beyond closed-lips kissing and bare-skin contact is
potentially unsafe, unless some kind of latex barrier is used. No
unprotected contact between any combination of fingers, genitals, mouth,
and anus; use a latex dam (or saran wrap) for cunnilingus or rimming
(i.e. oral-anal contact), gloves for manual penetration, condoms on
dildos and dicks. Use water-based lubricants such as ForPlay,
Astroglide, Wet, KY Jelly; if the lube has nonoxynol-9 in it (which
kills HIV) all the better (but some are allergic to nono-9). OILS AND
OIL-BASED LUBES DISSOLVE LATEX; keep the mineral or massage oil away
from your gloves and condoms (and latex clothing for that matter!).
Blood, semen, female secretions, urine... all can carry HIV. Play hard,
but play safe. (One interesting thing about SM is that it expands the
range of safe ways for people to pleasure each other! But it also
expands the range of unsafe ways to play....) There are more safety
tips, but if you want the in-depth skinny check some of the books at
the end. Many tops come up with an SM safety kit, containing (among
other things) such items as a flashlight, duplicate keys for _all_
locks, bandage scissors (with one flat blade) for speedy bondage
removal, a first aid kit with all the standard first aid items,
disinfectant (such as Bactine or Hibiclens) for toys which come in
contact with bodily fluids, safer sex supplies (sometimes including
several varieties of lubricant--different people like different sorts),
and so on. See _SM 101_ (a book listed in the Resources section) for an
excellent description of such a kit. And there are some things that are
commonly regarded as potentially too dangerous to do unless you've been
taught by someone who knows. Suspension is one: there are lots of
things that can go wrong, and many of them can result in severe injury.
Crucifixion is an especially hazardous form of suspension. And body
piercing is also not for the novice; it takes know-how and precision,
and a mistake can result in a really big mess. Fortunately, most SM
activities, such as bondage, spanking, and teasing, are not nearly so
severe; you can start out light and build up the intensity as far as
you both want to go. Pay attention to what you're doing and use common
sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and
PRACTICE! You will learn quickly and you'll have fun all along the way,
and soon you'll be places you'd only dreamt about!

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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* 6. Is everyone either a top or a bottom?*

One perception that some people can have, looking into the scene from
outside, is that people are either tops or bottoms. Either you like to
dominate, or you like to be dominated. And sometimes novices become
confused, because they're excited by _both_ possibilities. The facts
are, everyone is different, and everyone has their own preferences. I
personally greatly enjoy topping my girlfriend, and also greatly enjoy
submitting to her. Some people _are_ tops in every play situation, just
as some are bottoms in every play situation--but I know people who top
men but bottom to women, people who sometimes switch roles multiple
times within one date, and every other spectrum of possibility! Whole
scenes can revolve around the "who's on top?" question. Maybe you can
have a wrestling match, and the person who gets pinned first will wind
up being tied up. Maybe you can set a timer, and when the timer dings,
it's time to switch positions! There are as many possibilities as your
imagination can dream of! Then again, maybe only one side of the balance
holds any appeal for you, and in that case, you'll want to play with
folks who have little desire for _your_ side... it takes all kinds, and
all kinds are out there. It is also the case that there is no necessary
relation between whether someone is dominant or submissive in everyday
life and whether they are a top or a bottom. Some of the most
domineering executives secretly love being abased and abused... it's a
chance for them to lose control, to give up responsibility. And some of
the most quiet, meek, shy-looking people you've ever seen turn into
demonic geniuses of pain and pleasure when given someone to play with.
It's not at all unheard of for someone who's done only one thing (for
example, bottoming) to one day start feeling the urge to top, or vice
versa. People change, preferences change, it's nothing unusual. This,
though, leads into the next question....

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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* 7. How can I learn to be a good top?*

When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat intimidating
to try playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it
before.  Here's this wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them.
You tie them up, and they're helpless, wriggling with anticipation and
lust... and now what do you do?

Play with them!  There are all kinds of common objects that produce
intense and enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless lover. Combs
for dragging across the skin, feathers for tickling a frantic foot,
clothespins (use a couple or use many in artistic rows--these can be as
intense as you want to make them!), ice cubes, chocolate syrup,
strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?), leather belts for slapping or
spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating, and of course your own
fingers, mouth, genitals, and everything else.  Enjoy taking your time
with your willing victim; drive them to distraction, then bring them to
the edge of ecstasy, then back off and make them beg for more!

Remember, you can set the mood as you wish.  You can be playful, amused
at your own ineptitude even while your bottom is moaning with desire.
You can be stern and commanding, sympathetic but nasty, jolly yet
sadistic--anything you please.  As long as you focus your attention on
your bottom, your bottom will have a great time!  Relax, go with the
flow, and if you stop enjoying it, call safeword--tops can use safewords
too.

Of course, there's no need to feel like you need to put all your
attention into pleasing your bottom; what's a good slave for if not for
pleasing their master?  I've several times played with my girlfriend and
used her for my own selfish pleasure, giving little attention to
hers--and she loved it!  But there is no doubt that with pleasure it is
as good to give as to receive.  Just remember, communicate, be sensitive
to what your bottom is feeling, and you'll have no problem.

The one thing that is quite important to remember as a top is that you
are responsible for your bottom.  As you begin playing with SM, you may
well be placing your bottom in situations in which he or she is
physically helpless and/or emotionally vulnerable.  It is important that
you recognize they are placing a great deal of trust in you, and in your
ability to handle any situations that may come up.  If you're in the
middle of a hot scene, and suddenly someone unexpectedly bangs on the
door, you may both be startled and shocked--but your bottom will be
immediately looking to you for protection.  If something happens that
you didn't expect, take care of your bottom _first_--reassure them that
you're not going to let anything happen to them, and then deal with the
problem calmly and sensitively.

And don't be limited by preconceptions of what you "ought" to be doing,
or worries about how you're not topping "correctly".  If you start to
feel pressured or insecure, take a step back, and ask yourself what
_you_ want out of the scene.  Sometimes, when I've been bottoming for my
girlfriend, she hasn't been in the mood to play with me sexually--so she
made me her slave and commanded me to... bathe her and wash her!  This
was lots of relaxed fun for both of us, and it let her unwind enough to
keep playing the way _she_ wanted to play.  Be honest, not only with
your bottom, but with yourself.  And if you are in the middle of a
scene, and suddenly your honesty says "I don't want to be doing this"
or "I don't know what my partner wants, or even what I want," then by
all means stop the scene--gracefully if possible. Better that than for
the scene to drag on until both of you are sick of it.

If you still don't have any ideas, and if your bottom is really hot to
trot, you can always start playing with your bottom and getting them
excited in whatever way you know how, and demand that they tell you a
fantasy of theirs, or you'll stop.  Talking dirty to each other--trading
hot fantasies, knowing that you can make then happen if you want to--is
the best way I know of getting ideas for scenes.  This actually goes for
ALL sexual play, whether it involves SM or not!

If you want detailed descriptions of positions, possible scenes, and so
forth, you would do well to find a copy of _Sensual Magic_ or _SM 101_.
See the resource list at the end of the third part of this FAQ (and
order some mail-order catalogs of SM books; lots of ideas!).  Or, post
with your questions to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, asking for any and
all suggestions.

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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* 8. How can I learn to be a good bottom?*

It can also be hard to learn to bottom, if what you're used to is
topping.  Giving up control, surrendering, can be a difficult thing,
when you're used to holding the reins in your hands.  If you find
yourself manipulating your top, trying to coerce them into giving you
what you want, then you're what is called a "pushy bottom"--a bottom who
is not really submitting, but just trying to turn the situation around
to the way they want it to go.

Some tops get off on bottoms who are defiant or subtly disobedient, and
use it as an excuse to punish; but for other tops, especially
inexperienced ones, it can be anything but fun.  Making your top feel
like they don't know what they're doing is no fun for either of you; I
know, I've been there, as the pushy bottom.  The solution?  The next
time you play, tell yourself that you are the top's property, that their
will is yours, and that your deepest desire is to please them. Before,
if they did something you didn't like, you might have suggested they try
it another way; now, they are doing exactly what they want to be doing,
and you are grateful they're doing it.  Let go of your urges to be in
control; surrender to them, and let them have their way with you.  I
guarantee you will have a lot more fun than when you were trying to top
from the bottom--I know I did!

If you are still not quite getting what you want, as a bottom, this
solution may not last very long; you will probably want to talk to your
top about what your needs and desires are, and about how you can both
have fun getting to them.  But the time to negotiate about what your
bottom fantasies are, and how you might want to manifest them, is not
necessarily while you're in the middle of a scene which you've
pre-negotiated.  Don't get into the "Oh, yes, Mistress, anything you
want--um, uh, Mistress, you're not quite doing it right!" trap.  (Can
you tell I speak from experience here?)

Relax, and respond.  Quite often a top will enjoy topping you because of
your reactions--the way you wriggle, and squirm, and cry out.  If you
clench every muscle and strive to endure without giving _any_ sign that
you're feeling anything, your top may get frustrated with the lack of
feedback.  Let yourself feel.  And don't hold your breath!  Or rather,
don't forget to breathe. (If, of course, you _negotiated_ a "stoic
endurance" scene, that's different.  But don't feel you _have_ to act
that way.  I like it when my bottoms struggle--they have a safeword
if they need it....)

Of course, nothing is cut-and-dried; just because you're on the bottom
doesn't mean you're a puppet.  But there is a big difference between
being open and communicative, and trying to force things in your
preferred direction.  A good bottom is one who is enthusiastic, devoted
to their top's pleasure, willing to surrender to their top's will, open
about their own desires (in a respectful manner, of course), and happy
to be bottoming.

There's a piece of common wisdom that's been around the scene for a long
time, which is: the best tops are those who started at the bottom.  I
believe it's true.  If you have been there, felt the bite of the whip,
struggled to get free as you were brought slowly and teasingly to
orgasm, tranced out as the sensation from the clothespins washed over
and through you... then you will be much better able to guide someone
else through that intensely magical space as a top, because you will
literally have been there.  Plus, starting as a bottom means you'll pick
up a lot of hands-on (if you will) experience!  (And as with any
generalized statement about SM, there are plenty of people whose mileage
varies; bottoms who've never topped and never want to, or tops who've
never gone under and are still damn good.  But even such tops often
experiment with sensations on themselves before trying them with their
bottoms.)

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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* 9. Why is bondage fun?*

Lots of reasons.  For many people, the knowledge that they are helpless,
that someone else can do things with their body and they can't prevent
them, is a powerful turn-on.  "I'm going to make you come and there's
nothing you can do about it."  It's a very strong statement of trust to
let someone bind you helplessly, or even non-helplessly.  How erotic, to
feel yourself spread open, wanton and wet, and to see your lover
kneeling between your legs, ready to use you for their pleasure--or to
pleasure you unendurably....

For others, the simple sensation of bondage feels good.  Tight
constriction can create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight
bondage can be a sensory trip, just as a whipping scene can be. Bondage
can feel comforting, pleasantly confining; you don't need to worry about
anything, since what can you do?  You're all tied up, and all that's
left is to enjoy.

For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose
control.  It can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every
muscle straining against your bonds, trying to get your hands free to
smash your lover's face into your crotch, your body shaking.  If you
weren't tied down you'd hurt yourself!

For me, it's all three of these reasons :-)

An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage: putting your
bottom in some position (spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever) and
commanding them not to move... and then tormenting them! One kinky
variation on this is as follows: have your bottom hold their hands out
in front of them, fingers splayed, each fingertip touching the opposite
fingertip.  Put a penny between each pair of fingertips so they're
holding five pennies.  Now order them not to let a single one drop, on
pain of some punishment or other, and then go to work!  This works best
on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop.

There are a bunch of common-sense things to know about if you want to
get into bondage.  Most of these are pretty obvious, but they're stated
here because that's what a FAQ's for!  The basic idea, though, is to
experiment.  The first few times you won't really know what you're
doing, and that's fine!  Take your time trying different positions,
different kinds of rope, whatever.  And if you've got a new idea that
you want to try out before your big date... well, why not try it on
yourself?  If you can get into a position comfortably, you can probably
make your bottom comfortable in that position!

Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or turning
blue; those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the way it
ought to, and that isn't what you want to have happen.  If your bottom's
hands are bound inside mittens or some other place that's not accessible
to you, ask them to wiggle their fingers or toes or whatever and see if
they're losing any feeling.  It can be tricky to tie someone up without
making it too tight; in general, a good rule is to tie loosely with lots
of turns of rope.  You can tighten such a tie with just another turn
around all the rest, and it can be a real drag to have a bottom's foot
fall asleep in the middle of a scene; this kind of thing can feel very
annoying and distracting, and can make it hard for your bottom to
concentrate on what you are making them feel.

Silk scarves, bandannas, etc. also have this problem with tightening
under tension; sometimes they get so tight they have to be cut off. If
you're a novice, you may want to avoid these hassles by purchasing  a
pair of basic ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, velcro, or whatever) at
an adult toy store; and if you get embarrassed, remember the old standby
excuse: "It's a gag wedding gift!"

Handcuffs are sexy, but they can also be a pain.  Shoddy cuffs (the kind
you buy at the sporting goods store) are liable to break while being
worn--then you have to file them off.  If you want to play with
handcuffs, get a good quality pair; the usual brand is Peerless, and
they'll cost about $30, with a double lock so you can snap them on and
then lock them so they won't get tighter under pressure (as cheap cuffs
will).  Handcuffs are also bare metal, and aren't good to struggle
against, as they can easily pinch nerves... padded, buckling bondage
cuffs are better for those sorts of games.

Do not leave a bound person alone.  Though it is a hot fantasy to tie
someone up in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators or other
devices buzzing away) and leave them to stew, in reality you must
consider: what if the house is burgled?  catches on fire? earthquake?
any sort of emergency?  Fun is fun, but a helpless person is just that:
helpless.  A willing partner is too precious to take risks with.

Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that puts
any pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to unconsciousness
quickly, as the carotid arteries go right to the brain. Likewise be
careful with gags or things tied in the mouth; as well as restricting
breathing, they can trigger a gag reflex, which could be really nasty if
the bottom can't get the gag out.  See another question on safewords
for use while gagged.

Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in any
sort of tight bondage, it can lead to less circulation to their head; if
you suddenly do something intense to that person, it may trigger a
headrush which could easily result in a faint.  Always use hooks which
can be released instantly even with the bottom's full weight on them
(these are sometimes called "panic snaps" and can be found in good
hardware stores), and keep a pair of bandage scissors handy in case
ropes or straps need to be cut loose.

Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is
handy, be aware it may heat up.  Likewise with candles; be careful when
you're waving flame around someone who's bound, as they can't flinch the
way unbound people can.

If you don't have anything handy to tie someone to, you can always tie
their wrists behind their back and then to their waist.  Or if your bed
doesn't hae any posts, you can wrap ropes around the legs of the bed and
spread-eagle your bottom that way.  In general, there are a million ways
to tie someone up, and a little practice--on your bottom or on
yourself!--will let you improvise in almost any situation.

Below I list a few sorts of common bondage devices mentioned here in
stories and postings.  If you read a term here which you don't
understand, write me and I'll add a description.

Mummification or Cocooning: About the most complete form of bondage is
to wrap someone up so they are completely immobile.  The most popular
way to mummify someone is with plastic wrap.  A common technique is to
wrap each limb separately, then wrap the arms to the sides, and then
wrap the legs together--and then help the bottom lie down on an adjacent
soft surface.  You can then cut holes (carefully!) to access any
especially sensitive areas, or wrap duct tape over it all for extra
security, or add gags, blindfolds, etc.  One way the body releases heat
is by sweating, and while mummified you can't sweat too much, so make
sure your bottom doesn't overheat--and have a blanket ready to cover
them with when you cut them out of their cocoon, using the bandage
scissors (obtainable from medical supply stores--one flat blade makes
cutting easier) which you of course have ready to hand.  And as always,
monitor your bottom very carefully; they are helpless, and your neglect
or inattention could spell disaster.

Hoods: Many leather stores and artisans make bondage hoods.  These are
typically constricted of leather or rubber.  Some have simple zippers,
and you zip them up to secure them.  Others have laces on the back and/
or the sides, to enable the hood to be laced more tightly, for greater
bondage effect.  Some hoods have eye holes, some don't.  Some hoods have
mouth holes, some don't. Some deluxe hoods have built-in earmuffs or
even space for earphones, for sensory deprivation.  Almost all hoods
have nose holes, for obvious reasons.  Hoods can restrict a bottom's
breathing quite seriously, and tops must remain continually aware of
their bottom's condition while their bottom is wearing a
hood--especially if the hood is combined with any form of gag.  Do not
leave a hooded bottom alone; breathing difficulty can come on quickly.
Some people believe that any hood without a zipper or other
extra-quick-release mechanism is too dangerous to use on a bottom.  In
any case, you should have some bandage scissors at the ready if the hood
needs to be removed in a big hurry.

Bodybags: If you like being bound, the ultimate extreme is bondage which
encompasses your entire body, leaving you with no motion whatever.
Bondage bodybags (or "sleepsacks") resemble a well-tailored, snug
sleeping bag, often made out of leather or spandex.  Spandex bodybags
are the least expensive, and if made from heavy enough spandex can be
very restrictive indeed.  Often bodybags have an opening at the upper
end, through which you slide your feet, pulling the bag up to your neck.
Many have other openings for genitals or nipples, so your botttom can
be pleasured or tortured while immobile.  Leather bodybags can be
arbitrarily complex (and expensive); some have built-in internal arm
sleeves to further minimize motion, or suspension straps so the bag,
bottom and all, can be lifted into the air.  Some have laces around the
outside so the bag can be cinched to a downright painful tightness.  If
you REALLY have money to burn, you can even get inflatable rubber
bodybags--get in it and pump it up, and float away!  Caveats about
breathing and quick-release apply here as well.

Hobble skirts: Fetish clothing is often designed not just to look good
and feel good, but to act almost as bondage in its own right.  Hobble
skirts are a perfect example: they are simply skirts which fit very
snugly from waist down to ankles.  Often the wearer can take steps of
only a few inches while wearing the skirt (thus the term "hobble
skirt").  When combined with a pair of high heels, these skirts can be
almost totally immobilizing, even without any other bondage.  Leather or
rubber are (again) the typical materials, though some dedicated tailors
make their own from velvet or satin or other sensuous materials.

Armbinders: Restraints, typically leather, that bind both arms behind
the back.  Some resemble large gloves that pull up over both arms and
buckle around the shoulders.  Others are straps that go down the middle
of the back and have attached wrist cuffs.  In general, there are lots
of kinds of bondage gear, and you can even invent your own....

Previous section Created 10 August 1995, last updated 10 August 1995
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Hope you learned something! Remember, your sexuality is wonderful;
treasure it and nourish it!

Contents copyright (c) 1992-1997 by Rob Jellinghaus.  Redistribution of
this FAQ or portions thereof from soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm to any
online or offline publication requires permission of the author
([email protected]).  Copies for individual use are OK.
--
Rob Jellinghaus   [email protected]   http://www.unrealities.com/robj

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