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NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:39:31 -0500
Subject: ADMIN: Flame FAQ (02 Apr 05)
From: Meffy Ellis <[email protected]>
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                                   Flames

  This is a post about flames and what we do about them in Callahan's.
  Please read it through carefully and help us keep flames and emotional
  injuries to a minimum by practising the policies described.

  If you're new to the Net and don't know what a ``flame'' is, then we
  hope you never have to learn first-hand. A flame is basically a nasty,
  deliberately hurtful, insulting, derogatory or abusive post. It's a
  shame they exist anywhere, but Callahan's is generally a group with
  less flamage than most others. That's a good thing, and we hope you'll
  agree we should keep it that way.

Contents

    * What to do About Flames
    * When Someone Attacks You
    * People are Not Perfect
    * Avoiding Accidental Flamage
    * When You are Charged with Attacking

What to do About Flames

  So what do we do if someone starts acting mean to you or someone else
  in Callahan's? The simple guideline is: ignore it. If you want to ask
  the person being nasty to stop, send e-mail. If you want to tell them
  they're an idiot, go have a cold shower. Do not post return flames -
  people will start thinking of you as a disruptive flamer too.

  Flamewars often cause a lot of people to get extremely upset and hurt.
  We don't want that to happen. The only way to stop flames is to not
  post any yourself. Believe us. Callahan's has lived through many
  flamewars in the past, and we don't want to have to do so again.

  Please note that disagreeing with someone is perfectly okay. Telling
  them they're stupid (or worse) because they disagree with you is not.
  Also, it usually isn't effective at getting them to listen to you, much
  less at converting them to your opinion.

  Another option is to post something funny. One of the more infamous
  Callahan's flamewars evolved into laughter when a patron posted a
  ``movie review'' which included critiques of the special effects and
  acting involved in the flame posts. This needs some creativity, but
  the results can be quite amusing, making good things out of bad.

  Avoid public discussions of a Patron's personality or posting style.
  Such discussions easily become intrusive and rude, and sound more like
  ``Let's all gang up on so-and-so'' rather than something constructive.
  Many Patrons here find this type of discussion even ruder than flames.

  Example: Patron A says something. Patron B questions it, and calls
  Patron A an idiot. At this point, patron C has two options: ignore it;
  or start calling patron B an asshole for being so insulting. The
  former option helps prevent flames, the latter fans them. In fact,
  this is exactly how almost every flamewar in Callahan's has started -
  because of patron C. So if two people start going head to head at each
  other - mind your own business.

  Important: All of these suggestions go a long way in reducing flames
  in Callahan's, but the Place should also be supportive. The flamee
  (the one being flamed) can often use some words of encouragement.

  Ignoring a flame thread may easily be misinterpreted as ignoring the
  person who is being flamed. This can feel like rejection, especially
  if this person is a relative newcomer. So if it looks as if someone is
  getting flamed or is being ignored, it's a nice idea to e-mail a quick
  message to them, asking if everything is all right, or sending some
  message of support. Or, post a neutral message supporting the flamee,
  without referring to the flames or the flamer at all.

  Not only will you be helping a flamethread to die down, but you will
  be doing something active and constructive to assist another Patron
  (the flamee) and after all, that's part of what Callahan's is about.

When Someone Attacks You

  Once more: ignore it.

  Ignoring flames is respected here in Callahan's. If you ignore a
  flame, you are not ``backing down'' or ``quitting''. It does not imply
  that you are conceding any points - it simply says ``You disagree with
  me, and you clearly aren't listening to me, so I'm dropping the
  argument.'' If you like, you can actually post this statement, but do
  it politely and then stand by it. If you post anything inflammatory
  back, then you are just as much to blame. It takes two to fight.

  If someone in a discussion starts attacking you personally rather than
  your arguments, take a breather (for an hour or more), and then
  analyse the post. Are there legitimate arguments in there, or is it
  just a personal attack? If there are points to which you can respond,
  do so, ignoring the attacks. You could also e-mail the person about
  the attacks, politely asking them to stop. If it continues, or there
  is no substance to their argument, ignore that person entirely. You
  can stay in the discussion if you want, but ignoring the attacks will
  help stop escalation into a full-blown flamewar.

  Another important thing to consider is that maybe you are taking
  things the wrong way. It's possible the person you think is attacking
  you is just stating something rather tactlessly, and they have no real
  gripe against you. Also, at least in Callahan's, most pushing of 'hot
  buttons' is unintentional. Don't assume the worst. If you start yelling,
  there will always be people who think you were the first one to get
  nasty.

People are Not Perfect

  Remember, nobody's perfect. People often have ``hot buttons'' - topics
  which make them extremely emotional, and these do not magically go
  away in Callahan's. If you accidentally start a topic which hits
  someone's ``hot button'', you need to be careful. You can keep
  talking, but be aware that reasoning with someone whose ``hot button''
  has been pressed is difficult, and can end up being painful if you are
  not prepared for the results. Also be aware that this can be true no
  matter how calm, reasonable, and polite that person normally is. If you
  don't think you can stay calm on the topic, just drop it. It'll earn you
  more respect than pulling out the napalm.

  Sometimes Patrons will discuss something which hurts other Patrons.
  and this may not be obvious. For example, a discussion of toy trains
  may seem innocuous - but to a Patron whose pet was just run over by a
  train, this may be extremely painful. We don't want to limit the
  topics discussed in Callahan's, so we all have to be aware that
  everybody thinks differently about things. Be tolerant.

  If a topic which makes you uncomfortable arises, you can always skip
  the thread. This both allows those interested in the topic to
  continue, and saves you a lot of grief. Do not tell anybody to ``shut
  up''. If people are actually flaming each other, you can send e-mail
  asking them to cool it, but remember: In public, ignore it.

Avoiding Accidental Flamage

  Misinterpretation is a common cause of flames, and one which can be
  minimised with some care. Posts convey only one thing: The words you
  have written. There is no tone of voice, and no facial expression.
  This means it is easy to mistake a humorous remark for an insult. The
  smiley symbol :-) was invented to mark non-serious comments intended
  as jokes. Some people think it's silly and don't use it, but they are
  the ones who attract replies like, ``Are you serious? I can't believe
  how stupid you are!'' If you use humour, use the smiley.

  Another thing to remember - which will help stop you from posting
  things which other people might think are flames - is that Callahan's
  is different from most newsgroups. We often discuss controversial
  topics here. Other groups devoted to such discussions are often just
  continuous raging flame-fests, where it helps to be gruff and loud in
  order to be heard. Here that sort of behaviour is inappropriate and
  will get you ignored. So if you are used to debating more heatedly in
  another group, take a second to check your flamethrower at the door.
  Perhaps more practically, don't post to Callahan's immediately after
  reading some group which always gets your blood boiling.

When You are Charged with Attacking

  We're all human. No matter our best intentions, we'll have bad days,
  be shorter-tempered, communicate poorly, and misunderstand things. And
  more often than not it is misunderstanding which leads to hot tempers.
  But none of us think of ourselves as the ``bad guys,'' so we may not
  even realise when we've hurt someone, stepped on toes, or crossed a
  line.

  If you ever get e-mail from someone saying you ``personally attacked''
  them, think about it for a while (again, at least an hour - go have a
  snack) before responding. You may have crossed the line, even in your
  own opinion. And you definitely crossed the line according to theirs.
  That person is no longer viewing you as a person discussing a
  different point of view, but as an attacker. If you still have points
  you want to make, tone it down, and they will be more likely to listen
  to you. An apology will go a long way to helping. Continue the way you
  did and they will just ignore you.

  And if anyone ever suggests you owe an apology for something you said,
  take it seriously. You have obviously upset somebody, whether you
  intended to or not. You can mention that you never intended to hurt
  anybody and apologise for inadvertently doing so. This will earn you
  respect, whereas ignoring the pain you have caused will certainly not.
    _________________________________________________________________

 Thanks to /*, John Palmer, Aahz, Randolph Fritz, Caithelin, Beth,
 Gecko-Boy, kitten, Brandon, Firehawk, Janet Miles, and undoubtedly many
 others.

 If you have any suggestions for changes to this file, please email
 Mephistoff Ellis at <[email protected]>.